Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/23/2013

Fucking Yamaha, I knew it!

Fucking Yamaha, I knew it!

What else would The Wing wanna do on a Wednesday, but ride a bull and be a cowboy.  Oh, and of course shout out to the man, the myth, the ledge Chad Reed…who’s currently in 3rd place overall, just ahead of TotoMotoPoto and Dungey.  Of course its gotta be due to his sabotage tactics, reminiscent of the Cold War or any 80’s movie.  He better have that shit handy if he ever faces Spider Man at next year’s A-1, that dudes got skills.  Death! Death! Die! got skills too, and laid down a fresh track last night, didn’t get to hear it yet, but were all wet with anticipation!  Of course the real task was reading Shoebox’s graffiti lyric sheet.  That reminds me, FUCK Revolver Magazine, and the Dallas Cowboys while were at it!  Just please never trust an awards show, or a Canadian who lives in -41 degree weather, again!  That goes for Beyonce too, stupid Milli Vanilli acting bitch.  Also, don’t trust anyone who owns an automatic weapon, but isn’t cool with them being banned or controlled, or some sketchy shit like that.  More gun talk, and some video of a dude who says kids won’t be allowed to own turtles if we ban assault rifles, but I couldn’t find it and it wasn’t that riveting.

 

 

Happy BDay Tully's Mom!

Happy BDay Tully’s Mom!

Hollywood News is always riveting, and so is Johnny Deep’s ex girl friend, who’s fucking some new chic, yup!  Arnold is more interested in fucking his old chic, lizard lips.  Speaking of Arnold, turns out Rawdog saw The Last Stand recently, and said it was damn good despite his gut going into the movie, and that it was only like 10th ranked after its opening weekend in box office sales.  What was #1?  Your Mama, seriously it was.  Of course none of those are a match for The Jew Box.  Ellis gave us a in depth recap of this masterpiece, starring Matisyahu, and whoever else is in the fucking movie.  Sounded good to me, especially the ‘Jew Buzzer’ scene, so be sure to get it up ya!  Do you know the difference between a Jew and a canoe?  Snoop Lion doesn’t know the first thing about being a Rasta, or so says Bunny Wailer.  Lindsay Lohan doesn’t know the first thing about a lot of things, plus she ain’t selling out either.  Adele isn’t selling out her kid or his name, shes just too stupid to pull it off is all.  Shia LaBeouf ain’t selling or sharing any of the shit he scored on the set of his next movie.  And last but certainly not least, please don’t follow @jew_box on twitter, dude called the show and its pretty fucking creepy.

 

A.K.A. EllisMate beating that pussy up yo!

A.K.A. EllisMate beating that pussy up yo!

Check this muthafucker here out, naked on a roof, jumps off roof, breaks into home, jerks it on rug, shits on sidewalk, rubs himself over kids clothes n shit, oh and it took place in Florida!  Jim Florentine took his place in Florida, after being 18 and laid only twice, he nailed a smoking hot chic first day in Florida.  He stayed for 2 years!  So what’s Jim been up to these days, who the fuck knows as he and Tully just spent the next hour comparing Ellismate’s sexual adventures lately, to hall of fame baseball careers such as Ted Williams, Randy “Big Unit” Johnson, and of course knuckleballer R.A. Dickey (Who has a long way to go to the HOF – just saying).  From 3-2 counts to inside-the-park home runs, Florentine and Tully fucking lost me on this one, but hilarious none the less.  Apparently Jim’s also big into asking his buddies for advice on the best moves to put on their ex hook ups.  Hey man, if you know a trick she loves, hook me up with that info homie.  And if you know a chic who’s cool with you shitting out a nugget, while having sex, I don’t fucking believe you for one second!  Of course Jim wasn’t here to talk about that, though you could have fooled me, instead he will take part in the Roast of Dee Snider, tomorrow night at 9pm ET on AXS.tv.  But enough about Jim, whats Ellis been up to?  How about shoving 18 gauge needles in his ass and getting fake Canadian birth certificates, Red Dragons to you my friend.

 

Find out on TJES!

Find out on TJES!

We found out Rawdog ain’t alone in his love of large areolas.  One Jim Florentine gave our furry friend the nod of approval when hearing the news.  Does that mean Robin Quivers has huge nip nips?  One can only dream….about this nasty bitch from Boston, who beats her man for fa’ting in the bed, the nod, while singing her smash hit with Ellismate, “Ha’d to Fa’t” – which was lame, but no where near as creepy as WesleyPipes-tallica.  Dick dog just wasn’t made for that riff, but the Ellis show is made for Jew jokes, needle talk, areolas and of course, shitting out nuggets while fucking some broad….or selling a BMW too, that’s kinda gnarly.  Jew Joke:  This kid asks his dad for fifty bucks, so the Jewish dad says “Forty bucks, what do you need Thirty bucks for?”   If that didn’t sell you on listening tomorrow On Demand, then how about inverted nipples, hairy nipples, and of course skittles popping out of nipples.  No, then its gotta be the baseball/Ellis sex life that has you intrigued.  For me, I personally am a huge fan of the Jew jokes, including my favorite joke about your mom…..she’s a Jew…..a ‘Load Jew’, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/22/2013

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

Wassup you filthy, shameful, fuckers of mothers and fathers? Let’s see what today’s show has in store for us. We got a new old show intro, the Taintstick Balls version made a comeback and I think that makes everyone happy. The guys took a little time to perfect their “balls” screams. Apparently there were a few people who were pissed that they weren’t live yesterday, and they’ve been invited to come to EllisMania and each of them get 1 minute to fight Ellis. In awesome news, Vitor Belfort knocked the shit out of that turd faced, neo maxi zoom dweebie, Michael Bisping! Jude came in with his shiny ass shoes and multicolored striped socks to lay his two cents on the table about MMA, and how he has yet to be jacked off by the girl who cuts his hair. Ellis went to the AVN awards over the weekend, and realized that porn stars on the red carpet aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. Who knew? Since Ellis was there with Katie and Malice, dudes were thinking he was banging both of them by himself, so there was no shortage of creepy dudes coming by fist bumping and trying to hang at their table in hopes of at least getting to watch them and jerk off or something.

Grab your soup and smokes, it's NMT.

Grab your soup and smokes, it’s NMT.

Wanna go see some acoustic metal? If you said yes, then check out Machine Head dates: Riverside, CA 1/23; San Diego, CA 1/24; Anaheim, CA 1/25; Fullerton, CA 1/26. This brought us to an early version of NMT, but before that, Tully saw an increasingly rare sight, some dude wearing a jean jacket with Agent Orange and rocker clothes and shit. You thought they were extinct, but oh no, there are still a few that exist. We got to hear some of that outlaw country stuff Johnny Knoxville was telling us about when he was on the show, and then a bunch of other garbage – with the exception of Adam Ant. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog makes a weird “I’m giving an amateur blowjob” face when he’s grooving to music. Coming up next was America’s favorite (after Rawdog’s mother) paper champ porn star, Belladonna, showcasing her deep throating skills on a massive dildo. She also provided some helpful information, if you purchase any toys (like a massive dildo), make sure it doesn’t smell or it’s going to burn your asshole.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

Then we got some shock collar movie review with Cumtard reviewing the movie “Dredd” that stars nobody you fucking heard of. Of course he got the shit shocked out of him, but the real twist here was that Ellis made him another bet, if Ellis watched the movie and thought it sucked, Cumtard had to suck a dick and get shocked during his oral performance. The twist? Ellis said he already saw the movie and thought it sucked! Enter Brockallina and a shock collar while Belladonna gave dick sucking advice to Cumtard, you know, to really spice things up and make everyone that much more happier. The movie sounds like it could be a pretty big piece of shit, but according to Cumtard and the Twitter-sphere, it’s a good movie – so IBM presents, you make the call. Belladonna stayed in studio to administer some excellent advice to a bunch of a different callers about all their different sexual questions. And I’ll tell you what, she’s way better than a Dr. Ruth. People used to think your mom, given her chosen profession as sex worker, would be good at giving sexual advice. Turns out her answer to every question was, “just close your eyes and try not to think about the fact that you’re eating shit covered in jizz.” Needless to say, most people didn’t take her advice and chose to just puked in her mouth, fuck it, and then left. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/17/2013

One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

Thursday, star date: 1.17.2013 Would you want a man’s ass hanging on a wall in your home, if so, what would you do with it? Come on, you know what you’d do with it, don’t ya. You little dirty birdy. Tully is tired of his @possiblytully twitter name and is looking for something new. Before we could really get some suggestions going, a guest walked into the studio. Enter, Johnny Knoxville and him giving Ellis some praise and talking about he and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie The Last Stand. He also spoke of some past issues with fucking (people other than his wife) and the therapy he believes helps him with his issues. Knoxville also revealed that he didn’t really start jacking off until he was about 19 years-old, he tried at the ripe age of 14, but then dropped out for about 5 years. He wasn’t on very long, but was a good guest nonetheless. According to a doctor at Harvard University, us humans are infested with tiny versions of this spawn from hell.

It's fucking oozing ranch!

It’s fucking oozing ranch!

In little bitch news, some little 4 year-old girl had a mouth full of metal teeth for awhile like Jaws, the James Bond villain. Apparently she went in for a few cavities and came out a goddamned thug with major street cred, however, she didn’t want them shits so now she’s got her grill all fixed up like normal. In Australia news, this dude went to Subway and posted a picture of his 11 (not 12) inch sandwich, spurring others to measure their sandwiches, low-and-behold, nobody got a real fucking footlong from Subway. Speaking of sandwiches, some tranny named Eva Lin (?) that was in the studio had another tranny’s fist and arm in her ass, up to the elbow! Holy meatball sub, Batman! Next, it was time for a game called “Dick Chicken”, but first – we needed music for it. So the guys set forth making some nice tunes (containing no lame licks) to put everyone in the mood – or at least put Rawdog in the mood to be caught jerking off by his gay roommate. Basically, here’s how the game goes, the tranny pulls out her dick and starts to walk towards a blindfolded contestant. The contestant has to guess when to say “stop” before the tranny dick hits them in the face. Who lost? Rawdog, of course. And for losing, he got to put on lipstick and kiss Cumtard’s ass – like a lot.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber got another new tattoo, it’s Roman numerals for 1975 – for the year his mom was born. Skrillex had a birthday, with cake & candles & his hair on fire. Kourtney Kardashian said she’s super excited for her sister Kim to use her tits to feed both of their children. Britney Spears might be headlining in Vegas as hotel chains are in bidding wars to get her act at their shithole. Charlie Sheen is going to be a grandfather, from his 28 year-old daughter he had with some chick back in his high school days. Jason Statham might be ending his relationship with some stupid hot bitch, apparently he’s been partying it up and she’s mad at him for it. Michael Lohan said his daughter, Lindsay, is not a hooker – which is probably true, I’m sure she just fucks a lot. Jodie Foster made a speech at some awards ceremony and pretty much confirmed that she is indeed a lesbian, was anyone really surprised? Anyway, gay and straight people both found a way to have a problem with what she said and/or didn’t say. It’s kinda like your mom, nobody is ever satisfied with her, she’s just a cum receptacle. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/16/2013

35w1xqSo Cullen put together another nice Best of, but that was yesterday.  Today is live bitches!!!   Yeah so Ellismate’s been sick the past couple of days, he just didn’t want to get Tully and Rawdog sick, I mean fuck Will right?  On top of being sick, the Wing also dropped his new iPhone 5 in the pool, Tiggy’s sick too and saying ‘Hell Yeah’, and that of course means the ex ain’t to happy either.  But all us fans is happy we got us a live show today, and that we got to hear DavidLeeRothtallica today, stemming from this vocal only track of ol’ Diamond Dave doing Running With The Devil.  Ok I was kidding, who gives a fuck about him, back to the show.  Tully says Linsanity is officially smarter than a dog while Rawdog has still been going to the gym and says his pecks feel firm, wanna touch?  Burger Ellis has been pissing everywhere and eating carpet, yup!  And your boy Young Wing not only had a credit card cancelled for some bullshit reason, but he also had to hear some moronic callers swearing you can put a cut onion in a room with you, and it will suck up the aids and gay in the air.  Grandma also says you can cut up potatoes and put them in a sock, rock your little potato necklace, and get mad bitches but no herpes.  This same tactic is often used by Kayne West, who was caught on tape being a douche bag while Samuel Jackson and Spike Lee were being bigger douche bags, its about 30 seconds in.  Oh, and Jay-Z hugged Tully this one time, thats about it.

 

 

Why You Don't Beat It On XMas Day!

Why You Don’t Beat It On XMas Day!

So what will Rawdog buy Tully and Ellis with his Trust Fund, which is due at age 35?  Nothing, he’s Jewish, OH!  Just kidding, but seriously the Jingleberries are some bitches (That we love and respect!) for retracting on Rawdog’s shitty beard as man-boy-ly as it may be.  Pornhub.com is full of bitches, doing some really cool shit too, and they say these are the 11 days of the year that we ain’t jerking it…using a computer!  So remember that special guest Ellis was referring to last week?  Yeah well it wasn’t Stupid Tits who was back on the show to preform his infamous impressions.  If you’ve never heard of Stupid Tits, he’s a former intern who’s metal as fuck, and if you’ve never heard him do an impression, well you must go back and check this out.  Spot on Mitt Romney, Jackie Chan, Jenny Lopez ass and all, James Bond and not the shitty David Craig one either!  This dude sent chills down our spines with the likes of Hulk Hogan, Batman while chowing Catwoman’s carnival, Dracula chowing whoevers beave, and of course Rawdog who is the king of eating pussy as we all know.  Some hilarious shit here to hear, and a Stupid Tits side note, he’s no longer in All Gods Kill but instead front man for Lazarus Casket, check him out!

 

 

 

Metal As Fuck

Metal As Fuck

So remember that special guest Ellis was referring to last week?  Yeah well it was former Metallica bassist, and current shredding ledge, Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Jason Newsted.  Honest opinion folks, fucking bad ass interview here and worth every minute of your time.  Ellis and Newsted just flipped it back and forth…12 years tomorrow when Newsted left Metallica….Newsted’s proud of Ellis for that shark heart eating incident….no shooting elk at Newsted’s place…Newsted eats left overs….yeah don’t let that last one throw ya, good radio here.  Oh, and of course, Unsigned Bands!  But this wasn’t any ordinary Unsigned Bands, no this time we had actual advice and help and shit, it was weird!  Just a few that we heard from, ‘Teleport’ with that micro penis dude from Vermont, ‘The Wad’ from Puerto Rico or there abouts, ‘Young General’ who’s lawyer sent in the tape, ‘Rusty Hook‘ who’s not that bad, and legends in the unsigned bands game ‘Cuddle Crew‘.  Jason Newsted really gave some legitimate advice to these fuckers, and one last band of note, Death!Death!Die!.  Yeah Tully slipped in “Pain of Time”, and Jason Newsted gave it honest review, and yes Shoebox the vocals are too low!  He did justify why it was low, had to be for the guitar or some nerdy shit good reason.  He also said the singer was pretty good, and the dude on keyboards fucking killed it.  Be sure to check out the “Metal” EP and NewstedHeavyMetal.com.

 

 

#FuckTullyHellYeah

#FuckTullyHellYeah

Obama said fuck you to Star Wars!  Donald Schultz says fuck you to the blicks, but thats in a best of somewhere.  Today was live, and so were the animals Schultz brought in for Ellis ‘Snake Box’ he’s been envisioning.  Schultz and his boy Mark, from The Reptile Outlet who came in to help, say a big snake isn’t ideal for this box as they’re too hard to care for.  Nah Mate, how about this “friendly spider”?  Its a huge tarantula, with 1/2″ fangs which suck out the insides of beetles like slurpee’s.  Well picture that in a tank, hanging from the ceiling, with webs inside of skulls and shit, just starring at you with those straws for teeth, and tell me its friendly. Seriously though this thing doesn’t bite humans, just insects and male spiders, fucks them up bad like!  No name for our furry friend yet, but its sounds like she will be a huge part of the show to come.  I do however have a name for our furry friend who also is huge, and can suck the cum out of anyone with her straw like fangs, its Your Mom, OH!