Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/17/2013

One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

Thursday, star date: 1.17.2013 Would you want a man’s ass hanging on a wall in your home, if so, what would you do with it? Come on, you know what you’d do with it, don’t ya. You little dirty birdy. Tully is tired of his @possiblytully twitter name and is looking for something new. Before we could really get some suggestions going, a guest walked into the studio. Enter, Johnny Knoxville and him giving Ellis some praise and talking about he and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie The Last Stand. He also spoke of some past issues with fucking (people other than his wife) and the therapy he believes helps him with his issues. Knoxville also revealed that he didn’t really start jacking off until he was about 19 years-old, he tried at the ripe age of 14, but then dropped out for about 5 years. He wasn’t on very long, but was a good guest nonetheless. According to a doctor at Harvard University, us humans are infested with tiny versions of this spawn from hell.

It's fucking oozing ranch!

It’s fucking oozing ranch!

In little bitch news, some little 4 year-old girl had a mouth full of metal teeth for awhile like Jaws, the James Bond villain. Apparently she went in for a few cavities and came out a goddamned thug with major street cred, however, she didn’t want them shits so now she’s got her grill all fixed up like normal. In Australia news, this dude went to Subway and posted a picture of his 11 (not 12) inch sandwich, spurring others to measure their sandwiches, low-and-behold, nobody got a real fucking footlong from Subway. Speaking of sandwiches, some tranny named Eva Lin (?) that was in the studio had another tranny’s fist and arm in her ass, up to the elbow! Holy meatball sub, Batman! Next, it was time for a game called “Dick Chicken”, but first – we needed music for it. So the guys set forth making some nice tunes (containing no lame licks) to put everyone in the mood – or at least put Rawdog in the mood to be caught jerking off by his gay roommate. Basically, here’s how the game goes, the tranny pulls out her dick and starts to walk towards a blindfolded contestant. The contestant has to guess when to say “stop” before the tranny dick hits them in the face. Who lost? Rawdog, of course. And for losing, he got to put on lipstick and kiss Cumtard’s ass – like a lot.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber got another new tattoo, it’s Roman numerals for 1975 – for the year his mom was born. Skrillex had a birthday, with cake & candles & his hair on fire. Kourtney Kardashian said she’s super excited for her sister Kim to use her tits to feed both of their children. Britney Spears might be headlining in Vegas as hotel chains are in bidding wars to get her act at their shithole. Charlie Sheen is going to be a grandfather, from his 28 year-old daughter he had with some chick back in his high school days. Jason Statham might be ending his relationship with some stupid hot bitch, apparently he’s been partying it up and she’s mad at him for it. Michael Lohan said his daughter, Lindsay, is not a hooker – which is probably true, I’m sure she just fucks a lot. Jodie Foster made a speech at some awards ceremony and pretty much confirmed that she is indeed a lesbian, was anyone really surprised? Anyway, gay and straight people both found a way to have a problem with what she said and/or didn’t say. It’s kinda like your mom, nobody is ever satisfied with her, she’s just a cum receptacle. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 1/11/2013

Dicks, piss, diarrhea  welcome to another average Friday here on The Jason Ellis Show. Do you hate other peoples annoying habits like shaking their leg, cracking their knuckles, masturbating in public bathrooms? Tully does and he’ll kick you in

The Sham Wow can soak up nearly a pint of blood after being beaten by a hooker!

The Sham Wow can soak up nearly a pint of blood after being beaten by a hooker!

the cunt if you annoy him too much. Focus and motivation will make you strive even during a recession because people with that will not settle for anything less, like the Sham Wow guy. Ellis was saying that he wants more actors on the show so we here at NoYouAre are reaching out to all the celebrities that read this blog and ask them to go on The Jason Ellis Show, if you won’t do it for us, then do it for yourself. Kim Kardashian made a quick in studio appearance and said that Khloe has better looking vagina and that hers looks like a roast beef sandwich that was run over by a train of hatchets.

The geniuses in the porn industry have developed porn that reacts to your physical

One out of three has shit their pants.

One out of three has shit their pants.

movement and emotions. It will finally be nice to have someone still trying to blow you while your curled up in the corner crying into an empty tissue box. Speaking of porn, the Nuclear Cowboys have a special EllisFam section at their shows and the only way to get a ticket in that section is to use the super secret code “Ellis.” Kevin presented his comic book quiz today. He worked very hard to make this quiz and spent countless hours making every question perfect. It sucked. The Unsigned Bands segment will be on Monday with a super secret special celebrity guest. My guess is McConaughey.

In today’s Hollywood News, Lindsay Lohan is filming a movie called Canyons or something where she is naked most of the time. This I might actually go and see. Except that according to the panel of vagina experts, Irish chicks have oddly colored and wrinkly pussies. Some drug dealer is suing some other famous dude for stealing his name to become famous, Charlie Sheen is trying to buy himself some Karma points. Taylor Swift got dumped again, but my sources say that it is because she doesn’t have a vagina. My sources are idiots and they drink too much. Quentin Tarantino got pissed at reporter because he kept asking the same shit everybody always asks him, see for yourself.

My plan is working perfectly.

My plan is working perfectly.

Today was the debut of the never heard before segment, Get The Clit Off Your Chest, where girls can call in and talk about all the shitty things guys have done to them in the sack. Some of the things mention were unintentional ass stabbing, small dicks, two pump chumps, uncoordinated ground n pounders, torn foreskin maguillacuttys, apologetic fucks, premature ejaculating hobos, more tiny dicks. Final calls were mostly about dicks, then my app cut out and the heavens smiled on me so I didn’t have to listen to the rest of the nonsense. But what I did have to listen to was yer mum bitching about how long it takes for her to get her tampons shipped to her since she has to get them specially made, OH!


Extra super absorbant for those loose leaky vag caverns, OH!

Extra super absorbent for those loose leaky vag caverns, OH!


Show Re-cap For Friday 12/21/2012

Hey mother fuckers, news flash, the world didn’t end and its Friday! But some people thing that the world might end today, but fuck those fucks, they don’t know nothing about nothing.  Ellis is finally off Stars2 because they keep fucking up his replays.  I guess the bentlysuits in New York are paying attention.  There will not be any replays for a little while but in time they will figure out if Ellis will get his own channel or if they will just play the replays on Faction41.  This, however, might be a sign that the four horsemen have arrived and apparently Tully is one of the responsible parties for their arrival.  Bently is in the Swinghouse today looking hot, still modeling a little, and is now an event coordinator so she won’t have to suck old man balls.  The Texas DJ, Billy Madison, was brought up again today and they talked about some of the bits that he does on his show. Like Vagina Funerals, Crazy Things You See At Work, Honk If Your Horny, Am I A Slut If, and many other favorites that you can hear originally on The Jason Ellis Show.

The guys did a gift exchange, you know the usual gifts, smokes, chocolate, kangaroo meat, a book about The Smiths.  aussie kid has poisonous snake eggs, roo invades house, want to watch a video where a drunk Aussie falls through a fence?  Or a video of an Aussie getting interviewed after a sex shop caught on fire? Is this Aussies dumbest Hoon?  What the fuck is a Hoon? This would be the video of the Aussie that got drunk and tried to ride a croc, but all the videos that I found suck, so fuck that.  Nashville isn’t just country music and inter-family relations, its a nice place to visit, and Texas is a place poopsockwhere men are men and sheep are scared! Some lady was the victim of the poo sock attacker on train and I laughed when I heard this so I get a special seat in Hell.  American sports have too many commercials, according to everyone.  And speaking of everyone, this segment has been brought to you by Verizon Wireless, can you hear me now? In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the ladies love a clean smooth hair free ass. People shouldn’t have to keep calling in to ask Ellis how to shave their intimate parts, but if you ask me, I always use Gillette Fusion Proglide, for against the grain closeness with comfort. A girl called in and said that she liked to be choked but she needed to teach her boyfriend how to choke her properly and without that weird “I wanna kill you” vibe.  How to choke a bitch has been brought to by The Home Depot. Because we have shovels, and that hole ain’t gonna dig itself.

In today’s Hollywood News, Kat Williams is gettin heat for being a pimp, Lohan didn’t want to kiss crack faced Charlie Sheen, Madonna yelled at some smokers at her concert and then threatened to cancel the show, Kelly Osbourn is hot, some magazine is looking for pictures of Lohan in Pennsylvania, Devito still trying to get Pearlman back, a bunch of famous people thanked Obama for being cool about weed, Arnold’s hair resembles that of Hitler’s, and all of this has been brought to you by Instagram, because your pictures are our pictures and we don’t give a fuck what you say about it.  After Hollywood News they did, Get The Cock Off Your Chest end of the world holiday edition. There were a lot of people looking to clear their conscious of their dirty little deeds and the segment was very entertaining. Get The Cock Off Your Chest was also sponsored by KY Jelly, getting cocks off since 1904.

Final calls time. During Final Calls they talked about football, chubby truckers, shout out to the veterans, roses, Cullen, Cullen’s fat baby, a slippery slope of death, Jerry Springer, a self racist black man, Master of Puppets, Uncle Jesse from Atlanta, merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, stinky dinky and wrinkle poles, the fucktard of the year, fuck Tully, Canada, and Jingle balls. 1321645583363

This is the last recap of 2012 and those of us here at NoYouAre would like to wish you a safe and happy Christmas, Hanukkah, or what ever the fuck else it is you do to get drunk in December. We would also like to thank yer mum, her prices are fair and she always helps pay for the Penicillin, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 12/18/2012

You gonna masturbate with that bleeding cock or what?

You gonna masturbate with that bleeding cock or what?

HOLY SHIT Y’ALL! WHO FARTED? Hahahahaaa! Man, I’m a killer. Anyways, let’s all just calm the fuck down for a second here and remember, it’s Tuesday, and we’ll never forget! At least until Friday, actually, maybe tomorrow, I promise. Have you ever thought you were gonna die? Terrifying wasn’t it? Yea, you betchya. Ellis was in a Soundgarden video this morning, doing things and stuff. He also smashed his head and it left a mark. Turns out it was from a dildo – that’s right, a dildo related injury to the dome is how you know your life is headed in the right direction. Rawdog had a sex related injury once, his girlfriend got on top of him the wrong way and I assume he got that weird boner pop that don’t feel too good. Some MMA fighter broke his dick too, poor motherfucker had to get dick stitches too. Cumtard, the rolling rave machine, squeezed his dick so hard to stop himself from pissing that he pinched the tip of his off. Who scalps their own dick? Queue the callers, all with dick injury pecker wrecker stories, and if you’re a male listener, you spent the majority of the time cringing. Maybe today should be exploding dick awareness day? 12/18/2012 Never forget!

A wreath of Franklins...get it?

Speaking of celebrities… A wreath of Franklins…get it?

Instagram terms of service has changed and everyone is going ape shit. Basically, they can use your username and photos, sell that shit and give you no duckettes in return. This isn’t anything new among the larger social media websites, Facebook, Four Square, etc. all have terms of service that are very similar, your shit is not private, if you want full privacy, don’t upload content to social media websites. Or, you can just do whatever Pink decides you should do. Some dude that hacked Scarlett Johansson’s phone and leaked nude photos of her got 10 years in the clink. “Flocka Claus” is a thing on Twitter. Donald Trump won a $5 million dollar judgement against an ex-Miss USA contestant. Charlie Sheen donated like $75k to some girl with cancer, so Stevie Wonder donated $100k and then sang to her, just to fuck with Sheen. Tom Cruise has specified zones for his house staff, they can’t just go walking all willy nilly through his crib. They also had to pass a bunch of tests and shit, which isn’t crazy at all, nope, not at all. Lindsay Lohan has asked friends to start sending letters to a judge in an effort to make her look not so fucking stupid. Cameron Douglas, son of Michael Douglas, got his leg broke on a $100 bounty or some shit while serving time in the slammer for dealing meth and shit.

Last minute gift ideas for mom or Rawdog? We got you covered!

Last minute gift ideas for mom or Rawdog? We got you covered!

Moscow’s own super racist, anti-gay soccer fans want an all white, non-gay team to represent their community, and they also say they are not racist. New video today of Doing Stuff with Rawdog, where he tries to do an ollie on a skateboard, you can go see that tomfoolery on if you want. NMT year’s end round-up version today, being that this is the last Tuesday in this year of our Lord Wolfknives 2012. There’s also a new blog where Rawdog will be posting NMT playlists and writing other things for about a month or so before he gets bored with it and moves on to something else. To be honest, even though this was one of the shittiest years in music, it was also the best NMT we’ve heard in awhile. I think mainly because I’ve heard most of the songs on today’s list, or maybe it’s because we got to hear the guys’ and friends of the show favorite songs from 2012. Things got so exciting that Burger Ellis pissed on Big Daddy Jayce Cake’s jacket! Consider it payback for the broken leg. Fuck it, I’m done. Great news! Your mom won the “Classiest Lady In The Hood 2012” award when I overheard her say, “What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can’t gargle with sand.” OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 12/3/2012

Tanning beds are starving for huge fake boobs and bleach blonde hair. And sluts, too.

But seriously, I don’t know what this huge red bump is on my balls? Are you there? HELLO!? Oh shit! Wrong window, sorry all. I was chatting with my umm, friend, for another friend. Anyway, it’s Monday and it’s time for the “Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus” re-cap! Is it Ellis’ fault that there are a lot of fake, big tits in porn? I don’t know, but I’m okay with it. Will Rawdog find his face? He’s trying his best at the decorating his face game, and it’s coming along, but he’s got some room to grow into his face. Back to titties. Titty talk brought Jude into the studio to explain that in his twenties, he was very anti-big boob bitches, until he started banging moms and you know mommy titties start to sag and get all pancaked, so they get some upgrades. Nobody likes to cartoonishly fake or bad tit-job jugs. Tully might have a thing for 12 year-olds, he’s okay with tiny booby buds, and is also very anti-fake tits, bleach blonde hair, etc. Speaking of chewed up titties thanks to having children, shout out to @Cullensaidthis and his wife for making a baby! Ellis saw Pendarvis was getting on some tail last night, and it wasn’t his mom, no, it was his son!

Hey son, wanna make out during this Slash jam session?

Will we be seeing voice activated cars? A resounding “fuck no” is the answer. Just look at how well Siri works. More importantly, Ellis has his new voice altermacation machine all hooked up and gave us some Kanye style speaking and other voice altering tests. That one chick from England who everyone things is… Royally hot (HA!) is pregnant, or so they say – it could just be gas. What if you were able to be the King of England? Would you walk around dressed as Ming the Merciless and eating cake? Of course, Rawdog finds issue with this and wonders just how cool would it really be to be the King and thinks he’d rather be Paris Hilton. Guess who else stopped by the show to talk tits and touring? That’s right, Slash. He’s got short term memory loss and sometimes forgets where he’s been and/or who he’s met, does this really surprise anyone? Slash says he likes moto and follows Ellis and his moto antics, he thinks it’s very entertaining. On a separate note, Slash has a motherfucking Vegas style nightclub inside his house, next to his motherfucking studio, inside his house. That’s the tits! In a bid to be Super Dad, Slash’s 1110-year-old son is into skating and isn’t really helping him by busting out the Slash name – his son wants to do it all on his own. Will came in to play a game with slash, “Can you guess who’s rider this is, based on the crazy requests & rules” and it bummed Slash out. Slash invited Ellis, Tully, & Rawdog over to his house / nightclub this weekend, and you’re not invited – so there.

Slash has porn in the background all time, either on screen or in person. You do not.

Hollywood news, the short and intense version, starts with Lindsay Lohan in trouble yet again, this time for not paying her taxes. Charlie Sheen gave her $100k to help pay off her shit, I’m guessing because she hooks him up with some killer nose candy. She’s also being sued by the Lifetime Network because she wasn’t supposed to drive or something and she drove anyway. Recycled recycling talk reared it’s ugly head on the show today when a caller chimed in to say, “recycling helps” to which Rawdog responded “nu-uh, Penn & Teller said it was bullshit” and there you have it folks, clear as mud and straight from the horses crotch region. That spurred a bunch of opinions from people all the way from LA to Sector Cumtard – but we don’t really care about any of that, do we? Of course not. In other news, on the hottest day of the summer, Barney the Boil Sucker was sitting at home when his phone rings. “Barney the Boil sucker” He says. A woman replies “I have a boil that needs sucking.” Barney says, what’s you address, I’ll be right over. He finally gets there in the 95 degree heat and when she answers the door Barney is greeted by a 425 pound woman who has broken out in a profuse sweat, wearing nothing but a stained up bed-sheet. She is huge, big as a truck, and smells of old dairy products and body odor. She tells Barney that the boil is on her taint, but being the professional that he is, he soldiers on. He starts wading through the layers of sweaty fat, pushing the layers back behind him until he at last comes to the boil. It is huge, red and is topped off by a white-head full of puss. He takes a few deep breaths and begins to suck on it. As he is sucking the puss by the mouthful the lady lets go a little fart, unable to control herself from the pain of the boil. Barney, incredulous, shoves his way out of the fat and hollers, “Hey Lady, what are you trying to do? Make me sick?” And that’s why Barney the Boiler Sucker has never again accepted a call from your mother. OH!