Show recap for Thursday 3/6/2014

Goodness gracious me…I’m currently in a slight birthday cake coma. It was an Oreo Cookie ice cream cake that the Fat Kid picked out and I had ice cream on Sunday which puts my ice cream intake at a 200% increase compared to my normal ice cream eating habits. No, I’m not a normal person- I don’t really like ice cream that much. I’m also lactose intolerant so that might have something to do with it. I’m also mildly colorblind and I’m allergic to Tylenol and Aspirin. Wait, what? You didn’t come here to read about me? Whatever. I see how it is. Just another female to be used and abused by the predominantly male fan base of that guy you’re actually here to read about. I’m used to it.

On to that guy who talks on the radio every day (I only talk here once a week, why not get to know me a bit- I have boobies…he doesn’t)…Ellis opens up the show talking about how if you’re really not that good you should find something that you’re good at and milk that slot for everything that it’s worth. Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either but, Ellis, like me, is beautiful and in case you didn’t know- beautiful people like us don’t have to make sense. Really he’s talking about how he watched a movie and it was a good movie up until the end, and it probably would have been a better movie if the actor guy who’s that guy from that other movie that Ellis couldn’t stand was better at doing his job. It comes out that the movie was called Oldboy and the actor guy from that other movie (Jonah Hex) is called Josh Brolin and he’s a big deal in Hollywood and he’s probably only really able to get away with being a big deal because he’s handsome. One of the big beef’s that Ellis had with the movie was that the effects weren’t good cause at the end of the movie it was supposed to be twenty years later and Brolin came out looking younger than he did when he went in. That’s not right. Oldboy is also apparently the remake of some other movie which may or may not also be called Oldboy and Tully’s chick and CumTard are big fans of the original. Ellis suggests that someone should make a remake of the remake and make it suck less because if it sucked less it would be fucking amazing.

Speaking of movies and actors and visual affects and whatnot, Mr. Will Pendarvis himself comes into the studio to chime in on the subject because he watches True Detective and that show is the ish, mate. Do people still say that? ‘The ish’? I never really got it, but then again, people may have never said it and that could be one of the many, many lies that I tell on a daily basis that I think it the truth because on top of being sort of colorblind, lactose intolerant, and allergic to the most common painkillers known to man…I’m a bit crazy (but I assure you it’s mostly in that sexy, crazy, freak in the sheets kind of way). Anyway, Will says that True Detective is a great TV show and if they can make Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson look older and younger and fatter and thinner and whacked out on smack for television than they should be able to make that other guy look older for that movie called Oldboy. I mean…Old is even in the title, so you think they’d put in some effort there. Will then says that he thought McConnaughey looked golden and glowing like an Oscar while he was accepting his golden statue whom he probably lovingly calls ‘Ozzie’ and Ellis is no longer the biggest fan of McConnaughey in the room. However, Tully and Ellis call Wills sweet reminisce of McConnaughey (typing that name over and over is doing horribly things to my typing rhythm) being a golden god into question and Will challenges them to cue up some photographic evidence. And, wouldn’t ya know…he kind of does look overly dewy and golden and they must have put a ton of stage makeup on him before he went up to be on stage. Go figure. This all spirals into lots of McConnaughey talk- he’s awesome, he’s at the peak of his career, he’s awesome, he’s the new (albeit old) blood leading man that Hollywood needs right now, he’s awesome, he’s awesome, Surfer Dude, awesome, and really…I don’t want to type his name out again for a while. I do agree with Tully saying that the current Hollywood leading men are getting kind of stale because what more are we really going to see of DiCaprio, Pitt, Cruise, Clooney, etc., that we haven’t seen already? I mean, yeah, they are all great actors and they all have great range…but…none of them are pumping out anything that we haven’t seen before and McConnaughey (goddammit) is pushing the envelope and putting out some of the best stuff of his entire career. Go MM! Going to the phones there’s a caller who suggests Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf, DDD! Keytarist) as the next big thing in Hollywood, cause, why the fuck not, but he didn’t have any evidence or gossip, he was just throwing the name out there in the hopes of Beetleguiceing him into super Hollywood fame-dom. This gets the guys on the subject of Posey and the MTV version of Teen Wolf that he is currently killing it on a week to week basis and how MTV Teen Wolf is super dark and full of drama and murder and very unlike the 80’s Michael J. Fox version. Tully brings up that maybe the original script, the one that we have never got to see obvi, could have been filled with murder, Tenn Wolf dunking heads on the basketball court, raping cheerleaders (yikes, I hope not, I’d rather imagine some freaky/furry consensual sex but that’s just me), and all around carnage throughout the basketball season. It’s not that big of a stretch, motherfucker was a legit werewolf. More TV talk about how tv has gotten sweet and movies are going downhill. Tully postulates that Hollywood movies are looking to make the big budget ‘one size fits all’ filibusters that are going to bring in billions on a worldwide market and part of the price you pay for that is overall quality so far as plot and character development (which is you know, what makes a good movie actually good) whereas TV has all the benefits of the good technology, but is only looking to meet the demand of our country. TV has become a niche market and is getting better and better. I’ll take their word for it, because I really don’t watch television (see…fucking crazy bitch right here). A first time listener named Bob, Welcome Bob, called in to tell Ellis that he is hooked and he will continue listening, and thanks for talking about crazy, rapey, murder Teen Wolf werewolf, and well, then, that got awkward fast, but thanks for listening Bob! There is some talk about Law and Order SVU and basically getting the entire cast to come on the show and then go on to chit chat about some of the shows that Tully watches that Ellis should check out like Broad City and Louie. Oh…and there is some race in a desert happening next weekend. Sorry…Racing really doesn’t do it for me. It’s the Mint 400 or 500 or something and there’s gonna be a Tequila truck and Kenda Perez should be Ellis’ imaginary navigator in the happy place where Ellis is actually participating in the event, so that when they got stranded he could bang her, but make sure she knew that it was her idea so that she couldn’t be mad at him afterward.

Back from the break Dr. Drew Pinsky is joining Ellis and Tully in the studio (yayyyyyyyy!!!! I LOVE Dr. Drew!!!) They start the segment off talking about a recent decision handed down by Massachusetts legal system that a man who was taking ‘upskirt’ photos of women was within his legal rights. Why? Well, because their Peeping Tom laws have a big loophole in the wording and state something along the lines of ‘well, bitches aren’t naked so…’ and Dr. Drew thinks that it is fucking insanity. I agree. Hubbs disagreed. Yeah. I know. I was driving when he said this and I almost swerved off the goddamn road. We got into an argument over it. Full on, half hour debate about it where the words, “This is the first time you have actually ever disgusted me” came out of my mouth (his response, “Really? The first time?”) and I was furious and refused to talk to him about it further. That whole silence thing lasted about two and a half minutes because I HAD to understand his point of view on this. His argument was that he thought it was good that Massachusetts ruled based on the existing law because the judicial system can get out of control handing down punishments based on loose interpretations of the written law. He also thinks upskirt photos are hot. Feeling like I no longer knew the man sitting beside me, I went further into the discussion because I just had to understand. Had to. I mean, I know what this man is going to say before he knows usually, and I felt like this was out of left field. It comes down to, no- no one should have their privacy invaded, no one should have photos taken up their skirt/dress without agreeing to it (he is of the opinion that porn star/wanna be porn star upskirts are hot, which I am perfectly fine with and in agreement with), and yeah, he would murder someone who did something like that to me. Thank fucking gods, because for a second there, I was really freaked the fuck out. As of this afternoon Massachusetts did pass a law which banned the act of taking ‘upskirt’ pictures in Massachusetts where the subject was unaware that they were being the object of someone’s fetish. Back to what happened on the show and not in my life (and I’m still of the opinion that you’re a bit nutty if you don’t wanna know what goes on in my life) Dr. Drew thinks this whole upskirt fiasco is just as insane as this spoiled little bitch who is suing her parents for child support, college support, and ‘I’m an asshole’ support in New Jersey. Nothing more on the subject was talked about because Dr. Drew mentioned how he wanted Ellis to be on the show so bad for the upskirt thing, but he wasn’t going to be on (the hot Attorney that Ellis would like to bone is on instead) and they get side tracked and never come back to the subject.

Instead they start talking about how they are a good gay couple. Haha. Seriously though. That wasn’t actually a joke, it was said by Ellis and Drew and I’m pretty sure everyone was in agreement. It happened because when Ellis asked Drew how he was doing, the good doc answered that he was feeling ‘weirdly emotional’ and Ellis pointed out that he’s always emotional, which is good, but he’s kind of like a woman. Dr. Drew took no offense to this because he thinks that women are more evolved and plain old better versions of people than the male counterpart (girl power, yo), and he thinks that he and Ellis pair up well because Ellis has brutal manliness that balances his girliness out rather nicely. Aw. Yay love! They chitchat about Drew’s show and his podcasts for a bit and Dr. Drew says he wants his show to be successful, but it’s also important for him to have it as a base for getting information out there to help people, because that’s why he got in the game. He’s passionate about things and gets fired up about things and talks over people (on accident) not just because the producers tell him to do so, but because he really fucking cares. And..

…and nothing. My app is fucked. I tried everything. I had a bit of a breakdown. But you made it this far and I’m going to assume that you have been thusly entertained because I’m fucking amazeballs, so I’m choosing now to tell you that although I managed to get the app working again for a while, it shit out again for the last hour of the show as well, so…I don’t know what happened. I’ll be waiting for the on demand/morning replay like the rest of you people out there. I am genuinely upset about it, but the other wonderful writers of this site told me to calm down, play with my boobies, and get some hugs from Hubbs (or something like those things) because it’s okay. Shit happens. And…that’s why I love writing here. Yes, I love the show, yes I love writing, but these guys…they’re solid, wonderful people who I can write a really unnecessarily long email to whining about things and they cyber hug me back into my happy place. Boom. I’m super sad I missed Dr. Drew. I love him. I never watch him on tv or listen to his podcasts (big fan I am, right?) but I’ve read a couple of his books (because I’m a geek and also because my sister was an abnormal psych major and I read every book she did, because I’m a geek) and I fricking loved them.

Back from the break (/broken siriusXM app of doom from hellshitfucker) it’s time to talk about that date that Mr. Kevin Kraft went on with Alexa the Pornstar. Because yes folks, he did bang her, and yeah…he’s going to see her again once she’s back from New York. The story goes that Alexa was on the show with Dilleon Harper and AJ and another pornstar whose name I do not recall and did not catch and Kevin knew her publicist, Laney, and Laney then suggested that Alexa do his podcast. She agreed and she and Kevin hit if off (or at least she didn’t hate him) and bonded over death metal bands and video games and she did the podcast and then still didn’t hate him. So he mentioned that there was a concert that weekend and asked if she was going. She wasn’t but he tried to schmooze some tickets as an inside guy and failed miserably. But, she went and got her own ticket and they went to the show together anyway. Before the show, Alexa had even texted him during the week to come and hang out, but Kevin declined because he’s CumTard and doesn’t party it up during the week because he’s a big boy and has a job to do. Tully and Ellis took offense to this because it’s kind of his job to go out with a pornstar and come in the next morning with a great story about it. Really, he’s not the most organized human being ever, so how bad would staying out too late really fuck his job performance? Anyway…so they went to this concert together and hung out with some of her friends there and the party wound up back at CumTard’s apartment because Alexa invited her friends there because she was too wasted to remember that they were her friends, not his, and he was too wasted to say no to someone who has a cookie. The party was pretty rowdy, CumTard and Alexa wound up getting locked out of his room after they had already been inside of it because her friend came in and starting boning some dude on the floor and Alexa didn’t want to hear her friend making sex noises. Some callers and Will had a problem with that because she’s in porn and shouldn’t she be used to it? But I get it and here is my perspective on that. Yeah, Alexa is in porn and her friend may or may not also be in porn and if she is they quite possibly have been in porn together and heard each other making porn sex noises…but…this wasn’t porn. This was real life, not acting in a porn movie. Those were real sex noises that her friend was making not the ‘laying it on thick’ noises that pornstars make for the sake of porn. Sex, no matter what kind of sex, is an intimate sort of thing and really, the only sex noises I want to hear that aren’t coming out of speakers are my own…I wouldn’t want to hear any of my friend’s sex noises. I mean…I’ve heard some random people’s and even that was kind of awkward. My sex noises are fantastic…but I doubt any of my close girlfriends want to hear me being fucked. I was at my biffle’s house on Saturday and yeah, I showed her my tits and she showed me hers and we talked…but I don’t wanna know what she sounds like when she’s getting pounded. So…anyway…Kevin was drunk, Alexa was drunk, there were people fucking in his room, some guy wound up peeing in a cranberry juice jug and Sunday must have sucked while he was cleaning up the multitudes of used condoms and slippery sex juice doorknobs and jugs of random stranger piss. But…he seemed alright with it. Tully thinks he was taken advantage of. I don’t know. He’s Cumtarded. He didn’t have sex with Alexa that night because by the time they got into bed she wasn’t in the mood, but he did have sex with her the night before, and it was good and she was in control and they had sex in a few different positions. He wore a condom, she didn’t suck his dick, and he said it lasted around ten minutes. I’m assuming they both enjoyed it as they are still talking and have plans to see each other again, so I’m going to say congratulations to CumTard for being the only person to take advantage of the fact that he’s on a big satellite radio show other than Ellis.

What we learned on half of The Jason Ellis Show Today:

Matthew McConnaughey is sweet

J Lo keeps her boys’ moisturized

Woody Harrelson is living a sweet life

On screen couples probably bone at least once in real life, to get it out of the way, but the women are probably weird about it afterward

You need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf

Tully has a hard time keeping his classic movie monsters death methods straight

Jason Mamoa wanted to hang out with Ellis at the Chateau Marmont

Richard Belzer is a sick cunt (and that’s a compliment)

Matthew McConnaughey in Dallas Buyer’s Club made Tom Hanks in Philadelphia look like he had the common cold

You can’t drink through the drunk

Al Bundy having a black belt is old news, but Modern Family doesn’t suck

Dr. Drew thinks Piers Morgan is misunderstood

Bindy Irwin is teaming up with SeaWorld and is a sellout because her mother is an American

Death by snake is the worst death by animal ever

Sex with CumTard is exactly what you’d think it is- Very Awkward

35% of porn broadcast in Canada has to be made in Canada

Don’t punch girls in the face during sex unless you know what you’re doing on a BDSM level and you’re both way into it

The girls who really want anal are the ass whores who bring it up to you

Ellis is officially old because he was too busy to have sex with a pornstar

Hockey all day, Porn all night- Oh, Canada


Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/2/2013


Sure gonna miss that guy.

Ah, Monday reader. We meet again. I know why most of you are here today, you’re wondering about Rawdog. So let’s just hurry up and get that out of the way, shall we? He’s gone. Ellis does not want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to take any calls about it, he said it twice on and that’s all he wants to do. Finally, in the last hour of the show, Ellis addressed it 1 time and 1 time only. Ellis, Tully, & Will all agree that Josh no longer wants to be the person he was or do the stuff he was hired to do. Therefore he quit (took a leave of absence.) and they wish him all the best. Ellis isn’t happy about it, but the show must go on. So… welcome to December. America, how was Thanksgiving? Canada, how was work? New music (kinda) to start the show today, Big Fucking Mega Boat Theme, and then the old intro, which I’m sure Ellis was super happy about. Ellis had a dream that he got cancer and had only 30 days to live. But this isn’t Nightmare On Elm Street, so it’s just a dream. This shouldn’t be surprising to any of us, but Dingo knows quite a fucking lot about Matthew McConaughey and his personal activities with home improvements and such. There was talk about the movie Dallas Buyer’s Club, hence the 30 days to live dream and McConaughey talk. Why don’t musicals make it clear that the movie is going to be a musical? Ellis took his kids to a movie and asked his daughter what she thought about the movie. She replied with “it was okay, too much singing.” See Hollywood? Cut this shit out. Nobody likes your new musical movies, this isn’t 1921. Just stop it. Ellis also took his kids to go ride moto over the weekend and it sounds like all of them had a really fun time, even Snook. Except for the 6 hour drive there. And except for the part where the track was closed for 2 hours. And the part where some bitch at Zaca Station Mx stepped on his dog and told him to get lost. And some dude that insulted his son and called his ex-wife a name. But whatever, emu farm! Wait. No. Fuck that shit. Kids fighting. Ex is pushing buttons. 6 hours worth of driving back with not enough moto. And then Big Daddy Jayce Cakes lost it. Snooks crying, Daddy is crying. And after a long weekend of so much awesome, and then to have it all come crashing down at the end, it’s tough not to break down a little. But such is life.


Noooo! Dingo, don’t look at the phone!

Hey, have you heard about Amazon’s Prime Drone Delivery? Yeah, well, it ain’t happening anytime soon. Speaking something not coming anytime soon, Cumtard is in studio now to play some Ellis Jeopardy. If you’ve been keeping track, the reigning champion is also the score keeper, Tully – and don’t you dare dispute that. Unless you say Dingo of course. He knows everything about everyone. Amazon? Yeah, they had a meeting with Dingo about their Drone, because Dingo is a drone expert. Video games? Who ya gonna call? Dingo. Call of Duty was modeled after Dingo’s life, kind of. McDonald’s? They meet with Dingo to figure out when to bring the McRib back. The show Entourage? Yeah, he wrote it first. Since Dingo knows everything and everyone, it’s only fair that he had to wear the shock collar for the last few questions, which really bummed him out. Actually, he just completely shut down and wouldn’t talk any longer until the shock collar was removed and then BAM! Dingo all back in yo’ face, son! He got mad again when other’s were talking over him and his fascinating Perez Hilton story. Things were getting back to normal when suddenly we heard intensity in ten cities, not the song, but the kind we’ve heard recently between Ellis and Rawdog. This time it was between Ellis and Dingo. Dingo looked at his phone and wasn’t paying attention while Ellis was talking to him. They had a short, small dispute and then things calmed back down and that was the end of Ellis Jeopardy.


Celebrate sober?

Hey, Death! Death! Die! is the #1 metal album in Canada and #1 metal album in America, making it the #1 metal album in the world. Now punch yourself in the dick and know that it’s also the #1 rock album in Canada. No rub your dick until you have some pre-cum and then stop. Now you have blue balls on two different levels. Dr. Drew’s people reached out to Ellis about being on his TV show again, but he won’t be TUF because fuck all that shit, it looks like it hurts! Apparently people are still talking trash on some other people on TV. No, really. Crazy, right? I didn’t get to see a single fucking anything, Happy Thanksgiving long weekend to me, right? Wah. Sounds like Chris Holdsworth won his fight. People are mad at Diaz and Rousey, I guess for not saying something entertaining, not being nice, or some shit like that. Hey, you that guy that goes to the club or the bar and flirts with every chick until you lure a size 14 chick with nice skin into your van? If so, you’re “that creepy guy” other people are snickering at. But if you do that shit online, nobody knows exactly how creepy you are. So get with the times man! Use the Internet. Get that skin suit made! Morph into the beautiful butterfly you’ve been seeing yourself as! Allegedly, of course. Pendarvis’ brother will be on Adventure Time tonight, an episode he wrote and he plays the main character. So be sure to check that and then be really mean to him because that’s what he thrives on. Just kidding. There is a show. He does have a brother. But he probably wouldn’t appreciate you being mean to him. That’s not how you were raised. Most likely. And that pretty much wraps it up. So what’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 2/21/2013

You Tell 'em Jewels, I mean Ellis

You Tell ’em Jewels, I mean Ellis

Well kids, gather around the ol’ camp fire and listen up to the Thursday tales from The Jason Ellis Show.  So uh you know how when you have puffy socks on and you can’t tell where the shoe stops and the skin begins?  And that feeling you get when your snuggled up in your sheets is as close to feeling your insides as you’ll ever get.  Look kids, your uncle Ghostload ain’t gonna lie to ya, the first hour isn’t going in any Backbone official recaps anytime soon……but still better than 98.2% of the other shit out there -so- How could you say no to having a pussy for one year, and still keep your cock n balls?  You can’t – gotta try it once right!  But no tits though, that’s just too much, and would you get all emotional and shit as part of the package, this and more but first.  Good old Sam Rubin joined the show again to shoot the shit, plus his Oscar red carpet show coming up, and totally disrespect the show.  Did you know he doesn’t even follow Young Wing after he gave him a nice EllisFam Flex to boost his followers?  Of course Ellis called him out on it, and Sam just replied he subs that out so let’s just ask the guy who runs Sam’s twitter.  Yeah well that dude called, and basically said that’s BS, even despite Sam’s attempt to blame a glitch in twitter.  Honestly, who gives a fuck about twitter, but its principals that matter here.  Other shit – Sam owns a blackberry, and had his twitter followers go from 10,000 to 100,000 in a day or so, but then magically down to 30,000 shortly thereafter.   Whatever dude – He’s a dick to Tully, totally full of it and proud to say so.  Check out his red carpet shit or whatever your mom wants you to do.  There is this video of Andy Dick on Sam’s show going ape shit on Howard Stern.  Other than that, check out Bernie with Jack Black cause Tully said so.



A woman's mind is complicated

A woman’s mind is complicated

Check out this year’s front runner for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars.  So this muthafucker here just lost his gay porn star mind.  Shout out to Scott Green and his #FullHomo ass, a true EllisFam ledge from way back if you don’t know what’s up.  Sounds like he may have an upcoming role in the potential masterpiece Gory Hole.  Think of a glory hole in Hostel, and let your mind wander.  Its gonna get pretty nasty, but hard first, then just nasty – check it out!  More nasty for that ass, this chic here was arrested for fucking her pit bull in public.  I really ain’t got no advice for that bitch….or any of these bitches on your favorite segment, Teen Talk.  This is where Rawdog reads off some questions for teen magazines and Tully n Ellis answer them.  So, if you suffer from an online boyfriend who lives in Iraq and you love him but don’t know what to do, or maybe just don’t know how to give a good blow job and need help (Don’t we go over this like once a week?), and if not that I’m sure your 17 and dating a 25 year old who just found out and is now pissed…..What do you do?   Nah, wasn’t shoot yourself this go around, but yeah some dumb bitches and more on that to come.  Did you know Cumtard is filling his free time from not answering the phones by working Craig’sList for guests and/or a new job?  More Teen Talk – Can you get preganat from precum?  Friends with pill and college dude addictions.  Some chic who lives with her grandma and isn’t allowed to fuck her boyfriend yet.  You get the drift – they should all shoot themselves, or just get the AIDS and be done with it!



Hollywood News time kids – Josh Borlin and Diane Lane are getting divorced even though he “allegedly” beat her who give a shit.  Lindsay Lohan lost her lawsuit against Pitbull.  Friend of the show Jackson Strong showed up on TMZ, but with a shirt on this time.  Hey man, seriously, who is the biggest loser on The Jason Ellis Show?  Is it Cumtard, or how about Will ‘JizzCult’ Pendarvis III?  Nah, its Rawdog with Sam Rubin as a close second, OH!  Riveting talk from here boys n girls.  Let’s talk hair!  Is Rawdog going bald?  Should he get the Jason Newsted with long hair in a pony tail and shaved sides?  Isn’t Will’s hair just the greatest, he’s so dreamy.  Think that’s not hot shit – Check out Beard Talk and how Tully’s got too much stubble.  OK, Beard Talk sucks, back to Hair Talk – Did you know Rawdog had blue hair back in high school?  Apparently Ellis used to dye his hair a lot too, and may explain why he’s bald as a muthafucker.  Dave Lombardo is out of Slayer for trying to get all smart and shit, and that ain’t fucking metal so fuck that dude he’s out!  Good shit -King Mo Lawal fights tonight in Bellator so if you read this in time go check that shit out!  Not only does Shia LaBeouf wanna fuck his mom more than us here at NoYouAre, but he wants to fuck Alec Baldwin too, but he’s on his own there!  Finally in Hollywood News, Matthew McConaughey has lost his fucking mind, but not that sweet ass hair….and here’s how!



         Seriously Dude!

Women Am I Right?  Truck Yeah you are if your a hair dresser lady in the UK who put $1000 a month into the wrong account cause well you know.  Trucker Yeaher if you know a guy from a dating sight, but never met, and give him $450K for his new gold mining business.  Truckest Yeahest if you shoot your free throws like this bitch.  All of a sudden shit got fucking Sirius at The Jason Ellis Show when Will ran into the studio with scissors and other sharp objects to slash up Rawdog’s face.  Why you ask?  Just a zit, but still that dude held a knife to the Illusionists face and took off a piece, Red Dragons Will!   Back to Women Am I Right, am i right?  So if your Valentine’s Day sucked, you can feel better after reading about this crazy bitch and what she bit of of her boyfriend.  Tully says a woman on average spends over 1 year of her life putting on makeup, and I call bull shit – its at least 5+ my friend.  And finally, we have ourselves a winner ladies and gentlemen – Women Am I Right?  Oh and Ellismate had a Jew Cookie and the fortune inside didn’t really apply to him – so be sure to check out and get it up ya super accurately!


“Gory Hole” starring Jason Ellis, Rawdog and Scott Green


So I told ya the show wasn’t a huge success today, but still better than 4 hours of Mad Dog Russo, fucking hell man.  However, Ellis did do that super cool phone call thingy at the end of the show – Ya know where he just takes calls, but with no one else there – just Ellis and the fans – one on one – mano y mano, well uno y uno.  It’s basically Final Calls on steroids which is pretty bad ass.  Nothing too sweet other than Bieber talk and why Ellis doesn’t do hard drugs anymore, for the umpteenth time.  But once in a while you do come across a gem, and today it was the caller’s idea of a contest where a caller is on the show for an extended period of time, maybe an hour, and gets to just fit in and riff and see how it goes.  Not sure what then end game is here, but fuck it I’m in!  Ellis also did reminisce on Wolf Knife Laser Torch and its origins.  Other than that, I’d like to thank Barry for giving me the strength to persevere through Sam Rubin’s bullshit, and I’d like to thank the Dog Father for making those tasty little Jew and Honky Cookies we all love so much, and most of all I’d like to thank your grandmother for getting that dingle berry off my ass that had been there since at least last weekend……with her teeth, OH!



Show Re-cap For Friday 1/11/2013

Dicks, piss, diarrhea  welcome to another average Friday here on The Jason Ellis Show. Do you hate other peoples annoying habits like shaking their leg, cracking their knuckles, masturbating in public bathrooms? Tully does and he’ll kick you in

The Sham Wow can soak up nearly a pint of blood after being beaten by a hooker!

The Sham Wow can soak up nearly a pint of blood after being beaten by a hooker!

the cunt if you annoy him too much. Focus and motivation will make you strive even during a recession because people with that will not settle for anything less, like the Sham Wow guy. Ellis was saying that he wants more actors on the show so we here at NoYouAre are reaching out to all the celebrities that read this blog and ask them to go on The Jason Ellis Show, if you won’t do it for us, then do it for yourself. Kim Kardashian made a quick in studio appearance and said that Khloe has better looking vagina and that hers looks like a roast beef sandwich that was run over by a train of hatchets.

The geniuses in the porn industry have developed porn that reacts to your physical

One out of three has shit their pants.

One out of three has shit their pants.

movement and emotions. It will finally be nice to have someone still trying to blow you while your curled up in the corner crying into an empty tissue box. Speaking of porn, the Nuclear Cowboys have a special EllisFam section at their shows and the only way to get a ticket in that section is to use the super secret code “Ellis.” Kevin presented his comic book quiz today. He worked very hard to make this quiz and spent countless hours making every question perfect. It sucked. The Unsigned Bands segment will be on Monday with a super secret special celebrity guest. My guess is McConaughey.

In today’s Hollywood News, Lindsay Lohan is filming a movie called Canyons or something where she is naked most of the time. This I might actually go and see. Except that according to the panel of vagina experts, Irish chicks have oddly colored and wrinkly pussies. Some drug dealer is suing some other famous dude for stealing his name to become famous, Charlie Sheen is trying to buy himself some Karma points. Taylor Swift got dumped again, but my sources say that it is because she doesn’t have a vagina. My sources are idiots and they drink too much. Quentin Tarantino got pissed at reporter because he kept asking the same shit everybody always asks him, see for yourself.

My plan is working perfectly.

My plan is working perfectly.

Today was the debut of the never heard before segment, Get The Clit Off Your Chest, where girls can call in and talk about all the shitty things guys have done to them in the sack. Some of the things mention were unintentional ass stabbing, small dicks, two pump chumps, uncoordinated ground n pounders, torn foreskin maguillacuttys, apologetic fucks, premature ejaculating hobos, more tiny dicks. Final calls were mostly about dicks, then my app cut out and the heavens smiled on me so I didn’t have to listen to the rest of the nonsense. But what I did have to listen to was yer mum bitching about how long it takes for her to get her tampons shipped to her since she has to get them specially made, OH!


Extra super absorbant for those loose leaky vag caverns, OH!

Extra super absorbent for those loose leaky vag caverns, OH!


Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/2/2013


  Happy New Year Bitches!

Its’ been a long time, we shouldn’ta left you, without a dope recap to step to.  But their fucking best of’s, and we got shit to do.  Today was live though, first of the year, and started with the reminiscing of that time Ellis got that one chic to put a phone in another girls ass, and called in on the air, and he thanked his mom.  Its shit like that he does to help the world, so EllisFam like you and i don’t get all pissed off with the morons living amongst us.  So the next time some idiot cuts you off in traffic, and fucks your lady, you can thank Ellis for not getting so pissed.  So what happened over the break for the fellas?  Rawdog didn’t get laid, but did go to some formal party with Bentley and did get to jerk off his roommate when the ball(s) dropped.  Tully got all spur of the moment n shit and took his wife n kid to Palm Springs so he could hang at a gay bar.  Ellis took his kids n lady to Mammoth Mountain, got ’em ski lessons n shit, and told Katie to Harden The Fuck Up for all the wrong reasons.  Thank god Jude showed up to spare us the drama and instead bring us stories of babies painting playpens in shit.  Jude also got the recap of the Reckoning from Rawdog, who is now a real man, taking that dick like he did, and is ready for a kick ass 2013, you go girl!  OH, and whats a new years break without movies?  Ellis saw Jack Reacher said its was pretty fucking good.  Tully saw Ted and also said it was pretty fucking good.  Rawdog saw Django Unchained, also saying its was pretty fucking good.  Jude on the other hand, saw Django Unchained as well, but in a black neighborhood, and its was not a pretty fucking good idea, but the movie was kinda sweet.  And everyone should see Killer Joe cause Thomas Hayden Church is the fucking man and you can suck it!




Couldnt find a naked one armed man holding an arm….

Maryland got the gay, allowing their states first same sex marriage.  Tesla is more than just a shitty decent 80’s band, but also a bad ass electric car thats Ellis Show approved and American made brother!  Who had the worst New Years you wonder, maybe this woman Tully ran into at Fat Burger that not only broke up with her boyfriend, but her car broke down and she slept the night in the parking lot.  I’m sure someone out there has a worse story, and maybe it involves a car ride up a long windy road, in Australia of course, and your stopped by a naked man, covered in blood, holding an arm.  If so, dude you totally shoulda called the show, cause Ellismate had a box of shit he needed to get rid of to whoever had the best story involving the naked blood covered arm carrying man, and how he fucking got their in the first place.  Quite a few callers with some good ideas n shit, but none of which can be put into words, so go back and listen for yourself.  Of course, if you were curious what Rawdog or Tully would do in a situation with this crazed maniac…..Tully would just turn around n leave, while Rawdog would reason with the fine gentleman.




Another Rawdog Classic!

Hollywood News time muthafuckers!  Kim Kardashian had a baby, oh shit thats not news worthy never mind.  Kayne West fucked Kim Kardashian and made that bitch have a baby, thats Hollywood News!  Justin Bieber was smoking weed in his Ferrari and some paparazzi dude got ran over for talking shit, says Rawdog.  Then Tully, being super dad n all, had a long heart to heart with us all on the dangers of the paparazzi, and on listening to Rawdog and not reading the story for yourself, seriously people.  Then shit got real realer when a mysterious wooden box showed up that Ellis thought could contain a bomb or snakes maybe.  Problem solved, they just got Cumtard to open the box, which contained…….some cool super cross thingie sent from Trey Canard #41 moto dude, who’s got a movie out about his 2012 life story titled REvival 41, check it out.  I’m sure you’ll check out Rawdog’s new movie coming out one day, you know the romantical comedy about Shoebox and Adrianna Curry….oh and Ellis will also be making a movie, well a documentary, about Rawdog making his movie = video gold!  Anyways back to Hollywood news with Rawdog, about how Katt Williams got into a fight with Sooge Knight and managed to film the shit on his phone.  Nick Stahl, dude was in Terminator 3, was arrested by the Celebrity Jerk Off Cop.  Latrell Sprewell, the man the myth the legend, knows how to fucking party, but has racist neighbors.  Hugh Hefner has made one lady super fucking rich in like 10 years.  If you google image search ‘100 year old dicks’…….well, you know.  Lady Gaga hates her fans that hate themselves.  Did Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt do it?  Matthew McConaughey did it, again, for the 3rd time.  Theres your fix of what happened in Hollywood while we were all having TJES withdraws, good on ya.



Scientology is wierd enough, but some dude wrote “The Church of Fear” exposing some shit about the odd religion, such as an impenetrable fortress built in the desert for aliens to find when we all eventually die off.  Oh and Tully has some fucking sweet Japanese underwear that are silky smooth.  Shout out to one Todd Richards for hooking up with some Go Pro cameras, fuck yeah!  You know what else happened over the break, UFC 155 bitches.  I didn’t watch it though, but Cain Velasquez is your heavyweight champ again, battering Junior Dos Santos in the rematch to take back the belt.  There were other fights too, but whatever bro go read up on that shit its old news.  The new news is Ellis is gonna get killed by all of MMA for punching Ronda Rousey, in the future when shes on his show and tries to snap him in an arm bar.  Also in the future, Cain Velasquez will have to fight Alistair Overeem a.k.a Ovaries a.k.a. Walrus Man, whos all jacked up on steroids n raw feeder fish, had to be there.  In case you weren’t there in the beginning, when Ellis got that one chic to put a phone in another girls ass, and called in on the air, and he thanked his mom – he played the vintage audio for you.  In case you weren’t there over the break, when we weren’t writing recaps, and were TP-ing your moms, while I can’t show you the pics from that alleged day, this outta give you a good idea….