2013

Posted on December 9, 2013 by bitPimps 中

It’s Monday, get excited!

Yo. I’m bitPimps and this is how post a fuckin’ re-cap. Why the fuck is every other fuckin’ word outta my fuckin’ mouth a fuckin’ fuck word? Because I’m fuckin’ learning how to be a fuckin’ man from this fuckin’ guy. But fuckin’ seriously. Welcome to fuckin’ Monday’s show. STOP IT! Sorry. My man training is becoming a bit of a habit. Ellis has been humbled. Sometimes he thinks he’s not scared of stuff and that we’re all a bunch of pussies. But he likes stretching, vitamins, and not getting hurt and having to go to the hospital – it scares him a little. Friday he ate some pastries, Saturday he ate more pastries and went to ride moto with some dudes (and moto dudes are gnarly), and Sunday was pay the price day. He couldn’t jump anything because he was afraid he was gonna eat shit, so this made him feel shitty because moto dudes just go for it and make it look easy. The moto dudes even tried to make the jump safer for Ellis, but he talked himself out of all of it and never did hit the jump. However, he’s determined to go back and hit that jump like a sick cunt and not eat shit. Dingo knows literally everybody, including famous people, rich people, and people more powerful than Shaq. He knows so many people that 2014 is already looking like a stand-out year for TJES, because Dingo will get them in as long as they’re more powerful than Shaq. Dingo takes what he does very seriously, but nobody actually knows what the hell he does. He doesn’t snowboard anymore. He used to announce snowboarding, but not so much anymore. He pitched the Danny & Dingo show, but not anymore. Dingo. He just is. Dingo and Jetta are one item away from dressing up exactly like each other, so expect some early morning phone calls between the two for coordination purposes. But sometimes Dingo sticks out like a fart in an elevator when he’s in Australia because he’s more American, and Tully sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl when he’s in New Jersey because he’s not an orange skinned guido.

MMA news? Wilson has you covered!

Remember how last week people suggested the show watch Call of the Wildman Turtleboy? Surprise! It sucked. It was about a busted lamp at grandma’s, a cave, and Turtleboy’s pet raccoon. So Friday Night Fights were on Friday, if you can imagine that. Dingo was too busy chatting it up with Gerard Butler and didn’t see any of it, but Kenda Perez did and she called into the show to talk about it and how massive of a head Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva has. Tully was a bit confused when the announcers said Mark Hunt looked in phenomenal shape because he looks like he’s one Baconator on a pretzel bun away from a bedridden life. Shogun looked like he wanted to murder James Te Huna, and pretty much did by knocking him out. After Kenda, Wilson came in (his pants, OH!) to record a new MMA News button for the show. Katie also came in (not like that, it takes her longer. OH! OH! OH! Nope, not there.) to help pitch ideas and say a few things for the button. What was Dingo’s contribution? Pound for pound and karate chop! Bravo, you ledge! Everyone went around the room adding their contributions to what will no doubtedly be the most sought after MMA News button in the land.

I’m about to chivalry all over your face!

Something like 63% of Americans agree that chivalry is alive and well. And I’d have to say that in some shape, way, or form, it is – for the most part. Supposedly 1 in 7 men will offer their seat on the bus or train to a woman. I’m guessing those are for the hot women, not the slobs. Supposedly 1 in 3 men say they never assist mothers with infant / toddlers in strollers. You know this is because nobody wants to be around a screaming brat for any longer than they to be. Supposedly 1 in 5 men say they will regularly pull out a chair for women. I assume this is strictly for practical joke purposes. 82% of women surveyed said they would prefer to pay on dates. Yeah, right. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? Supposedly 89% of women said they would not accept help carrying their own bags. You’re just asking to get mugged at that point, right? Women want to be treated as equals, so of course some of the old-fashioned chivalry would not happen in today’s world. Is there even a need to throw your cape down over a puddle for a woman to walk on? Not if you live anywhere near a society. And if you don’t, you’re living subsistence life style so the woman is used to getting dirty. All this is about being a gentleman. And if you’re not one, you’re probably partly responsible for Honey Boo Boo. But chicks, you could be partly responsible too if you’re just a pure piece of trash who can’t even respect herself. Paris Hilton’s brother Lindsay Lohan’s friend dad party Dingo and I just shat my poop out. And that about does it for today’s re-cap. I sure do hope you enjoyed it, because I made it myself, slaved over it for hours, making just right, thinking of all your favorite things. So… Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks. OH!

This has nothing to do with the re-cap, I just thought it was impressive as fuck.

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Posted on December 5, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Back again. It’s okay if you’re sick of me after this, cause I won’t be back until next week ;)

If you missed the show today that means you missed your opportunity to feed your Ellis Show obsession. If your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty, and you’re feeling itchy all over- you have come to the right place. A re-cap is almost as good as the real thing (I hope) so please feel free to feed your obsession here and be held over until the show replays in the morning. Shit. Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM where it’s not terrestrial radio and therefore the show can be opened by saying shit and talking about bald pussy. Your pussy falls out when you’re 80. Box, box, box, box (read: pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy). Tully wonders if there was a way that someone could listen to the show and tally up all of the things that they would never be able to get away with on terrestrial radio, but Ellis says that they are way too understaffed for anyone to be able to do that. However, Wilson knows the guy who played the bleep button while Howard Stern was on terrestrial so maybe he could do it. They talk a bit about how it must have been such a shit high pressure job to be the person bleeping Stern out all of the time because he had Stern to answer to as well as lawyers to answer to for why he chose to bleep or not to bleep (as that is the terrestrial radio question). Ellis comments that Will kind of has that shit job in satellite radio form, but Will vehemently denies this. Just kidding. Of course he does.

It’s a good thing that Ellis isn’t out of it today, even though he woke up super early, because Tully proclaims that he is not on top of his game but he will be giving it the old college try. Why is Tully out of it? No it isn’t one of his bouts of insomnia, he actually slept through the night…however while sleeping he dreamed a dream where he was so tired but so busy with shit that he never got the chance to sleep. Channing Tatum made a cameo, cause why not, and Tully was talking to him about Dream Tatum’s pending fatherhood, then he had one other person to talk to, then he had to get out of there and do some other errand, and then he’d be able to sleep. But by the time he looked at the clock in his dream it was 5 AM and he had to be up. So, he slept through the night dreaming that he was tired and deprived of a full night’s sleep. I can see how that mindfuck’s one into being a little off the next day. He may still be in the dream. This may be a part of the dream. Because, yeah, I’m sure that Tully’s dreams include me typing out a recap at 10:30 at night.

But, wait, why was Ellis up extra early this morning? Well, he had a meeting at Devin’s school this morning with the Mummy, principle, teacher, therapist, and a couple of other people about how Devin is doing and talking about her future. So Daddy Ellis had to get the kiddies up early and get everyone where they needed to be so he could be at the meeting at school (which he doesn’t like going to, because no one likes going back to school). The meeting went well and left Ellis feeling good about things because his daughter is beautiful, smart, and talented and even though she has some trouble focusing on things, she can get back on track and her future will be sweet. At some point the Mummy tells Ellis that she can tell that Ellis is doing really well because of his therapy, which is such a great thing of her to say, and Tully chimes in his agreement. Because Ellis is awesome and all that hard work is paying off. More kiddie related stuff occurred involving Ellis laying down the law to his backseat mini-me’s, telling them that they would get 2 warnings when misbehaving and then the third time he had to say anything they would deal with the pre-set consequences. It was tested out when they were stuck in traffic for 2 hours and it worked, when Ellis told them the 2nd time to stop fighting he reminded them that one more time means bye bye Devin’s dollies and Tiggie’s skateboards for the whole weekend, so the rest of the ride was spent talking and playing games. This made Ellis happy because he was dreading taking things away from his kids, because he wants them to have fun and be happy and he was afraid of his resolve and ability to not fold when being buttered up by a pair of butter-up experts.

Ellis has reached the end of his 30 day self imposed sobriety and he is feeling really good about it. No, he did not spark up last night because he fell asleep on the couch and had his forehead licked by a bald pussy (ha), but maybe after he beats up Mike Jasper after the show he’ll go home and party a bit. Ellis says that he highly recommends going sober for 30 days if you’re really getting the inkling that maybe you are indulging too much (on whatever you choose to indulge in) because it’s hard to give something up and if you don’t buckle then you feel good accomplishing something without lying to yourself about it.

That somehow segued into Ellis telling everyone that he was attacked on twitter by a fat lady, presumably after his latest Dr. Drew HLN appearance repeated on TV, for his comment about fat people being scientifically proven to be more stupid than fit people. He could have made jokes at the lady, but he didn’t, because she would have taken him seriously and he isn’t that guy and he doesn’t wanna be mean (even if only joking) to someone that is going to take it to heart. He sort of regrets making the comment in the first place because he doesn’t want to be taken the wrong way and he doesn’t want to be mean to people, he just wants people to feel good and take care of themselves. Another twitter attack came from some random guy who somehow came across the infamous video of him being piss charged (I stole that from Adam who didn’t die, because it made me laugh) on Ellismania.com and called him out to Joe Rogan and Huffington Post for ‘bashing’ someone who was mentally disabled for being homophobic. We all know that that isn’t the case and isn’t the motive behind how Ellis reacted, he was just reacting to a, literally, insane situation and he was prepared to defend himself if need be. He wasn’t bashing the woman for the fun of it, he was asking not to be dissed and threatened and told the lady that if she came at him he would not hesitate to defend himself. Case closed. The only reason it wound up on video is because he always has his camera on him for Ellismania.com purposes, and after walking away he told the restaurant that she was next to that the authorities should be called and she needed to be admitted to a hospital. The tweet from the random guy did open Ellis’ eyes to the fact that most homeless people out there aren’t just drug addicts who couldn’t keep their addictions from ruining their lives, but that they have mental disorders which keep them from being able to function in society. It’s the sad truth that many homeless suffer from mental conditions and they aren’t getting any help, and Tully talks about how the only answer is for there to be more institutions to be built to help and home these people. Treatment for all- those who can be treated successfully get released and can become functioning members of society, and those that can’t need to be taken care of until they day. However, the government doesn’t seem to want to take these steps.

A caller named John calls the show to tell Ellis that he shouldn’t feel any regret over how he handled the situation as John has Manic Bipolar Disorder and has been in the situation where he was the crazy person and he is thankful for the people who were there to get him the help that he needed, even if it meant being hospitalized until he was stable again. John further went on to explain that Ellis is completely right about saying that fat people are, on average, not as smart as more fit people, so he shouldn’t feel bad about saying that either. He did offer the advice that maybe he should rephrase himself so it would be more clear that it’s not that fat people are stupid, it’s that because of their increased body mass, they aren’t getting the optimal amount of blood flow to their brains (since it’s busy oxygenating the rest of their body) and they have 15% less brainpower popping off as opposed to a person at their normal body weight. Good call, thanks John!!! Tully brings up that he found an article that talked about a study where a group of young people were given IQ tests and as they got older those with lower IQ’s are more likely to be obese as they grow up and those with higher IQ’s tend to be more fit. So the question still remains: does being fat make you stupid, or does being stupid make you fat? And it’s not to say that thin people are all geniuses and fat people are all morons- it’s about the averages. Tully brings up that Mayor Ford up in Canada may be an amazing level of reckless but he had to have been smarter than the average bear to get there in the first place, and Chris Christie (NJ Governer) is a front runner for the next presidential race. Ellis doesn’t think that America is going to have a fat president because appearing presidential doesn’t include being fat, and Tully points out that the last seriously overweight president was William Taft about a hundred years ago. Because, you know, it’s all about looking presidential…it’s not about the issues or anything crazy like that.

Coming back from the break Ellis and Tully want to talk about McDonald’s and the fast food workers purported strike and protests which were supposed to occur today (although I don’t know if any actually did) and this is an issue that they talked about a couple of months ago when the word started getting around that the minimum wage workers at McDonald’s wanted more money because 7 bucks an hour is not a livable wage no matter where you are in America. It was a super long segment and I’m gonna do my best to sum it up quickly because it was a lot of repeating of what was said the last time all of this was discussed. SO. No one on the show is an economist (and I’m not sure how many listeners are either) so they aren’t trying to have the answers. All they are doing is agreeing is that there is a problem. People who are working full time in menial jobs (not just fast food workers, but anyone who works full time hours and can’t make ends meet) deserve to make a wage that pays the bills and puts food on the table and in many jobs this is just not the case. There must be something that can be done on a corporate level to change this. The working middle class and the poor are facing a gap that’s larger than ever between them and the super rich (who just keep getting richer) and something has to be changed. There were a lot of callers who threw in their two cents and a lot of people were tweeting their opinions (shout out to @bitpimps and @mike_in_canada who didn’t have their noses up Tully and Ellis buttcrack for once…lmao) because it’s an issue that everybody feels passionately about. Ellis wants everyone to basically boycott fast food like McDonald’s and Chik Fil A since they are shit for you health wise and because they shit on the people who work for them. They both want people to be able to live. Fast food is a cog in the machine, they sort of need to be there, but there has to be a way to make it all work. The end. That’s all i’m saying here (even though I will say I do feel a blog coming on for Filterlessness).

Now, for some Cock News. Cialis is the shit! Apparently, you only need a half of one unless your junk is totally broken. Take a half of one of those puppies for a special occasion, go into bat-mode, and get your freak on. Back in 1983 there was a Urologist at a good old fashioned Urology convention who decided to do a presentation about the future of treatments for erectile dysfunction- that one day people would be able to take a pill and get hard. He then proceeded to share his discovery of a current treatment for erectile dysfunction which includes injecting a muscle relaxant directly into the penis making you hard for hours. He performed it on himself before beginning the lecture and stepped out from behind the podium, dropped his pants, and then urged members of the audience to experience the effectiveness by touching it. Women screamed and presumably ran from the building crying and scratching their eyeballs out because it was 1983. Finally…someone came across an article regarding how individual US States measure up…so to speak…and tweeted it to Tully which he gracefully stole and claimed as his own. Yeah, it was me. You’re welcome, Tully. The biggest dicks in the country belong to the men in the great state of North Dakota and the smallest peckers are hanging out in Mississippi…if you wanna know where your state lies click on the link.

In the spirit of charity, Ellis and Tully came up with a way to make some money for a charitable donation….TJES calendars!!! The calendars will feature members of the staff as well as friends from the show and all proceeds (not any of the Kim Kardashian percentage bullshit) will be donated to a charitable organization that wants their money. The calendar will feature Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Wilson, Katie, and (so long as they consent) Dingo, Jude, Johanna, Butterballs, Cumtard, and Christian in various scenarios including Wilson in a vat of beans with a confederate flag lanyard, Christian as Mr. Clean, Dingo as Princess Leia (complete with the buns), and Jetta in a bikini washing his Jetta. So many callers offered up wonderful ideas, and there was much protesting from Wilson about being in his vat of beans, even though it was he who suggested it in the first place.

Mike Jasper is in the studio (although at first he couldn’t get in) and they come back from the break talking about how people in Manhattan Beach are harassing Great White Sharks. Yes, you read that correctly, PEOPLE are going into the water to bully the SHARKS. Ellis is all for it, because then maybe the sharks will tell each other to lay off eating humans for a bit, and Tully is now convinced that when he was at a beach one town over that he did, in fact, see a shark. In other, much more sad news, a 9 year old boy in Compton was shot and killed in a drive-by, which sucks balls. Why is it always that innocent victims seem to be the victims instead of the targets when these guys are supposed to be gangster? Probably because they are asshole pussies who do it from far away.

Wrapping up the show Tully brings up that they are thinking about doing a new segment which involves them watching ridiculous television shows and then letting us know what they think of them, so they asked for listeners to tweet some suggestions for shows to watch, and then they were going to move on to the next segment. But they never got to the next segment as the phones began lighting up with suggestions from listeners who weren’t listening. But the guys didn’t mind and Tully compiled a list of shows for them to watch, and they decided to start with watching Turtle Man, which is a show about a backwoods man who does animal control with his bare hands and two teeth- suffering all the bites and spit along the way. Time for final calls? Yes, but no, because Adam is on the line waiting to not die and Ellis doesn’t wanna talk to anyone else because everyone really enjoyed the job that Adam did yesterday, and he did a fine job as well today.

Things we learned on the show today:

Porto’s is going to bring Ellis free pastries

Don’t dwell on your issues- do something about them

The 10s are pitting the 2s and 3s against the 1s

Ellis didn’t get the mummified 2 headed rabbit off Etsy :(

The Used gave a shout-out to DDD on twitter

A skinny neck means you probably have a skinny dick

Ellis was going to be a gigolo until Tony Hawk got him a job in radio

The Crocodile Hunter probably should have died wayyyyy before he died

Ellis is NOT GETTING FUCKING SICK

Coppertone has the most wide spread pedophillic ad of all time

Ellis goes around curing Koala’s of herpes

Friday night fights will be on Friday nights

Ellis will be on HLN with Dr. Drew again next Thursday

Don’t try to steal painkillers from 75 year old cancer patients

You can bid to hang out with Ellis for charity on charitybuzz.com and for a chance to prove you’re as cool as Betsey

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

Posted on December 4, 2013 by jenni_mazky

I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.

But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.

Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.

Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.

Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.

You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.

May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.

The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.

Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.

Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.

The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. PatriotGuard.org is a style that we all can agree on.

Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.

Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:

a copper meditation pyramid for $55
a claw predator ring for $125
a Haitian VooDoo penis enlargement charm for $9.87
a banana woman love doll (that you shouldn’t wash) for $700
a 7 1/2 inch Hentai Dildo with suction cups for $60
a dolphin stuffie with vagina for $33
a raccoon penis bone for $9.95
an heirloom custom seashell craft for $10
a mummified two headed rabbit for $40
a photo plate featuring a hawk eating a sea lion placenta for $69.99
a faux fur fox tail butt plug for $54.99
a padlocked Doritos locos taco for $55
a jar of human toenails for $25
a ‘Roshanda’ (penis titty with human and fur hair and teeth) for $95
a graduation day penis sculpture for $25
a crocheted pair of Adam and Eve for $75

How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).

Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.

Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.

And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.

Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves

Ellis relates to engines

Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday

Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys

Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife

Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number

Protest the war, not the warriors

Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better

People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree

What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis

Ellismania.com has new videos up

Abe isn’t there for final calls

Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics

Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist

Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao

Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/2/2013

Posted on December 2, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Sure gonna miss that guy.

Ah, Monday reader. We meet again. I know why most of you are here today, you’re wondering about Rawdog. So let’s just hurry up and get that out of the way, shall we? He’s gone. Ellis does not want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to take any calls about it, he said it twice on EllisMania.com and that’s all he wants to do. Finally, in the last hour of the show, Ellis addressed it 1 time and 1 time only. Ellis, Tully, & Will all agree that Josh no longer wants to be the person he was or do the stuff he was hired to do. Therefore he quit (took a leave of absence.) and they wish him all the best. Ellis isn’t happy about it, but the show must go on. So… welcome to December. America, how was Thanksgiving? Canada, how was work? New music (kinda) to start the show today, Big Fucking Mega Boat Theme, and then the old intro, which I’m sure Ellis was super happy about. Ellis had a dream that he got cancer and had only 30 days to live. But this isn’t Nightmare On Elm Street, so it’s just a dream. This shouldn’t be surprising to any of us, but Dingo knows quite a fucking lot about Matthew McConaughey and his personal activities with home improvements and such. There was talk about the movie Dallas Buyer’s Club, hence the 30 days to live dream and McConaughey talk. Why don’t musicals make it clear that the movie is going to be a musical? Ellis took his kids to a movie and asked his daughter what she thought about the movie. She replied with “it was okay, too much singing.” See Hollywood? Cut this shit out. Nobody likes your new musical movies, this isn’t 1921. Just stop it. Ellis also took his kids to go ride moto over the weekend and it sounds like all of them had a really fun time, even Snook. Except for the 6 hour drive there. And except for the part where the track was closed for 2 hours. And the part where some bitch at Zaca Station Mx stepped on his dog and told him to get lost. And some dude that insulted his son and called his ex-wife a name. But whatever, emu farm! Wait. No. Fuck that shit. Kids fighting. Ex is pushing buttons. 6 hours worth of driving back with not enough moto. And then Big Daddy Jayce Cakes lost it. Snooks crying, Daddy is crying. And after a long weekend of so much awesome, and then to have it all come crashing down at the end, it’s tough not to break down a little. But such is life.

Noooo! Dingo, don’t look at the phone!

Hey, have you heard about Amazon’s Prime Drone Delivery? Yeah, well, it ain’t happening anytime soon. Speaking something not coming anytime soon, Cumtard is in studio now to play some Ellis Jeopardy. If you’ve been keeping track, the reigning champion is also the score keeper, Tully – and don’t you dare dispute that. Unless you say Dingo of course. He knows everything about everyone. Amazon? Yeah, they had a meeting with Dingo about their Drone, because Dingo is a drone expert. Video games? Who ya gonna call? Dingo. Call of Duty was modeled after Dingo’s life, kind of. McDonald’s? They meet with Dingo to figure out when to bring the McRib back. The show Entourage? Yeah, he wrote it first. Since Dingo knows everything and everyone, it’s only fair that he had to wear the shock collar for the last few questions, which really bummed him out. Actually, he just completely shut down and wouldn’t talk any longer until the shock collar was removed and then BAM! Dingo all back in yo’ face, son! He got mad again when other’s were talking over him and his fascinating Perez Hilton story. Things were getting back to normal when suddenly we heard intensity in ten cities, not the song, but the kind we’ve heard recently between Ellis and Rawdog. This time it was between Ellis and Dingo. Dingo looked at his phone and wasn’t paying attention while Ellis was talking to him. They had a short, small dispute and then things calmed back down and that was the end of Ellis Jeopardy.

Celebrate sober?

Hey, Death! Death! Die! is the #1 metal album in Canada and #1 metal album in America, making it the #1 metal album in the world. Now punch yourself in the dick and know that it’s also the #1 rock album in Canada. No rub your dick until you have some pre-cum and then stop. Now you have blue balls on two different levels. Dr. Drew’s people reached out to Ellis about being on his TV show again, but he won’t be TUF because fuck all that shit, it looks like it hurts! Apparently people are still talking trash on some other people on TV. No, really. Crazy, right? I didn’t get to see a single fucking anything, Happy Thanksgiving long weekend to me, right? Wah. Sounds like Chris Holdsworth won his fight. People are mad at Diaz and Rousey, I guess for not saying something entertaining, not being nice, or some shit like that. Hey, you that guy that goes to the club or the bar and flirts with every chick until you lure a size 14 chick with nice skin into your van? If so, you’re “that creepy guy” other people are snickering at. But if you do that shit online, nobody knows exactly how creepy you are. So get with the times man! Use the Internet. Get that skin suit made! Morph into the beautiful butterfly you’ve been seeing yourself as! Allegedly, of course. Pendarvis’ brother will be on Adventure Time tonight, an episode he wrote and he plays the main character. So be sure to check that and then be really mean to him because that’s what he thrives on. Just kidding. There is a show. He does have a brother. But he probably wouldn’t appreciate you being mean to him. That’s not how you were raised. Most likely. And that pretty much wraps it up. So what’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013

Posted on November 27, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Rawdog’s still not there. Talk about changing the show intro. I can see you’re deep in thought.

Welcome to the thing. The last show & recap for this week, right before the Thanksgiving holidays coma for us Americans. Before getting into the show, let’s go ahead and quickly address what’s on everyone’s mind. No, Rawdog is not there today. Yesterday, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis just said he wanted to take some time off and that’s all he knows. Then today, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis said he’s taken a leave of absence and may never be back. As the show intro was playing, apparently Ellis also said they have to get a new intro and that they should change it anyway. What does all that mean? I don’t know, read into that what you will. But it isn’t looking good. Moving on, Shoebox is in studio today. Ellis was gonna go to the gym today, but he had a vibe and went with it, so he went to the beach instead. While he and Katie and Burger were there, some random people were taking pictures of them. Ellis wants a little bit of side burns tattoo, not mutton chops a la Danzig or anything, but just a touch of knife burns.

Whose gonna blow me? Anyone? Anyone?

Hey stalkers! Wilson revealed that he and Christian live about a block from each other, so get your stalker maps out, make sure you have the proper tools, and you might want to look at a larger kill room. Everyone thinks Wilson is from Germany, some people yell things at him, other’s give him a nod & a wink, and superhero’s look at him in awe. Four years ago the police busted Chewbacca and Elmo in a drug ring in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, some people got shot, and a woman tourist got stabbed for not giving some homeless, crazy fucker a dollar. So if you’ve been planning to take a vacation to Hollywood to hob nob with the stars, you might wanna think twice about that because you’re basically going to pay for a trip to see and smell piss and shit and crushed dreams and if you’re lucky, you’ll only get robbed and shot once instead of multiple times. According to Mr. Hand, there’s also a “boys town” part of Hollywood that’s well known for a gay scene and getting a blowjob in 45 seconds or less. Beats Dominoes I guess.

Just cuz I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t get down to some Bone Thugs.

Did you know beer is better for you than Coke? It sounds just ridiculous enough that I can believe it. High-fructose corn syrup was invented by Satan and it is in pretty much fucking everything you eat and drink and it’s gonna kill you, probably tomorrow. The guys talked about old school ads for cigarettes, where doctors were advocating a certain brand of cigarette over the other, you know, because they care about your health and not the loot lining their pockets. But enough with the doom and gloom, it’s time for Bone Thugs‐n‐Harmony to come serenade us with super quiet “I’m high as hell” inside voices. It was hard to hear some of the Bones because they were so quiet. It almost felt like I was a hot chick and they were trying to run game on me or something, all suave and shit. They talked about their upcoming show tonight, how tight they are, and how they’re so tight they don’t know who in their group is married and who isn’t. They don’t go around smackin’ people in the grill anymore because they don’t wanna get shot, which I say is wise life choice. But don’t get flip the script and get it all mixed up, if you step, they’ll squash beef and cave in teef. They just want them and their fans to go out and have a good time, they try to steer clear of drama, Unless you count the time one of them got shot in the head. Or the time one of them accidentally shot the other one. And not the time one of them got kidnapped as a child along with his 3 sisters and found by John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. For sure not the time when a dead body got dropped off in front of one their homes. You know, it’s your typical wholesome story that could be part anyone’s childhood. All joking aside, it was a great interview and they had some interesting stories.

Breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is on iTunes now. Breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Google Play Music and is already #1 in the Metal section. Breaking, breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Amazon and is already a #1 seller in the Hard Rock & Metal section. You should go buy a copy like I did. All the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be one of the cool kids, right? Well, don’t come running to me when people start making fun of your music library for not having Big Fucking Mega Boat. Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking news time. It’s time to pass out the 2013 Yoko’s in this year’s Reverse Awards! Here are your categories and your winners:

Sorry winners of a Yoko. This is the reverse awards.

Best Religion: Scientology
Best Jingleberries Member: Bryan “Backbone” Cullen
Smartest Intern of All-Time: Anal Gay-Lewis
Smallest Clitoris: Brock Lesnar
Best TJES Guest Ever: Method Man & Redman
Best Wolfknife Nickname: Urethra Butt Butt
Least Radioactive Jew: Rawdog
Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet: “I didn’t come here for a hard time, I came here for a good time.” – Kid Rock
Realest Animal: Rawdog’s Dad
Most Uncreepy Male Star: Corey Feldman
The Rising Star Award: Kevin Kraft
Lifetime Achievement Award: Jaden Smith
Most Welcome Comeback: Andy Dick
Most Deservingly Famous: George Zimmerman
“Clean and Sober Living” Award: Lindsay Lohan
Most Alive Celebrity: Larry King
Smallest Butthole: Sam Rubin
Woman of the Year: Paula Deen
Man of the Year: Chris Brown

Bless this post, and bless all of you. Bless us everyone!

And there you have it, folks. The Yoko’s pretty much wrapped up the show all neat and tidy. There were a few short final calls, oh, and a mention that either tomorrow or Friday, there will be something “special” on Faction, but that’s all that was said. I assume you’ll have an opportunity to hear old or best-of shows for most of the day or something like that. That’s my best guess anyway. So I guess I should wrap this up huh? Pop quiz hotshots! Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they become Targets. OH! Happy Skanksgiving to all my American trick ass bitches and gangsta-ass swingin’ dicks. Happy get up and go to work like normal to all my Canadian molettes and moles. And shout to all the girls I’ve loved before.

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Jason Ellis

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/9/2013

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/2/2013

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013