Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013


Rawdog’s still not there. Talk about changing the show intro. I can see you’re deep in thought.

Welcome to the thing. The last show & recap for this week, right before the Thanksgiving holidays coma for us Americans. Before getting into the show, let’s go ahead and quickly address what’s on everyone’s mind. No, Rawdog is not there today. Yesterday, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis just said he wanted to take some time off and that’s all he knows. Then today, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis said he’s taken a leave of absence and may never be back. As the show intro was playing, apparently Ellis also said they have to get a new intro and that they should change it anyway. What does all that mean? I don’t know, read into that what you will. But it isn’t looking good. Moving on, Shoebox is in studio today. Ellis was gonna go to the gym today, but he had a vibe and went with it, so he went to the beach instead. While he and Katie and Burger were there, some random people were taking pictures of them. Ellis wants a little bit of side burns tattoo, not mutton chops a la Danzig or anything, but just a touch of knife burns.


Whose gonna blow me? Anyone? Anyone?

Hey stalkers! Wilson revealed that he and Christian live about a block from each other, so get your stalker maps out, make sure you have the proper tools, and you might want to look at a larger kill room. Everyone thinks Wilson is from Germany, some people yell things at him, other’s give him a nod & a wink, and superhero’s look at him in awe. Four years ago the police busted Chewbacca and Elmo in a drug ring in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, some people got shot, and a woman tourist got stabbed for not giving some homeless, crazy fucker a dollar. So if you’ve been planning to take a vacation to Hollywood to hob nob with the stars, you might wanna think twice about that because you’re basically going to pay for a trip to see and smell piss and shit and crushed dreams and if you’re lucky, you’ll only get robbed and shot once instead of multiple times. According to Mr. Hand, there’s also a “boys town” part of Hollywood that’s well known for a gay scene and getting a blowjob in 45 seconds or less. Beats Dominoes I guess.


Just cuz I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t get down to some Bone Thugs.

Did you know beer is better for you than Coke? It sounds just ridiculous enough that I can believe it. High-fructose corn syrup was invented by Satan and it is in pretty much fucking everything you eat and drink and it’s gonna kill you, probably tomorrow. The guys talked about old school ads for cigarettes, where doctors were advocating a certain brand of cigarette over the other, you know, because they care about your health and not the loot lining their pockets. But enough with the doom and gloom, it’s time for Bone Thugs‐n‐Harmony to come serenade us with super quiet “I’m high as hell” inside voices. It was hard to hear some of the Bones because they were so quiet. It almost felt like I was a hot chick and they were trying to run game on me or something, all suave and shit. They talked about their upcoming show tonight, how tight they are, and how they’re so tight they don’t know who in their group is married and who isn’t. They don’t go around smackin’ people in the grill anymore because they don’t wanna get shot, which I say is wise life choice. But don’t get flip the script and get it all mixed up, if you step, they’ll squash beef and cave in teef. They just want them and their fans to go out and have a good time, they try to steer clear of drama, Unless you count the time one of them got shot in the head. Or the time one of them accidentally shot the other one. And not the time one of them got kidnapped as a child along with his 3 sisters and found by John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. For sure not the time when a dead body got dropped off in front of one their homes. You know, it’s your typical wholesome story that could be part anyone’s childhood. All joking aside, it was a great interview and they had some interesting stories.

Breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is on iTunes now. Breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Google Play Music and is already #1 in the Metal section. Breaking, breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Amazon and is already a #1 seller in the Hard Rock & Metal section. You should go buy a copy like I did. All the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be one of the cool kids, right? Well, don’t come running to me when people start making fun of your music library for not having Big Fucking Mega Boat. Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking news time. It’s time to pass out the 2013 Yoko’s in this year’s Reverse Awards! Here are your categories and your winners:


Sorry winners of a Yoko. This is the reverse awards.

  • Best Religion: Scientology
  • Best Jingleberries Member: Bryan “Backbone” Cullen
  • Smartest Intern of All-Time: Anal Gay-Lewis
  • Smallest Clitoris: Brock Lesnar
  • Best TJES Guest Ever: Method Man & Redman
  • Best Wolfknife Nickname: Urethra Butt Butt
  • Least Radioactive Jew: Rawdog
  • Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet: “I didn’t come here for a hard time, I came here for a good time.” – Kid Rock
  • Realest Animal: Rawdog’s Dad
  • Most Uncreepy Male Star: Corey Feldman
  • The Rising Star Award: Kevin Kraft
  • Lifetime Achievement Award: Jaden Smith
  • Most Welcome Comeback: Andy Dick
  • Most Deservingly Famous: George Zimmerman
  • “Clean and Sober Living” Award: Lindsay Lohan
  • Most Alive Celebrity: Larry King
  • Smallest Butthole: Sam Rubin
  • Woman of the Year: Paula Deen
  • Man of the Year: Chris Brown

Bless this post, and bless all of you. Bless us everyone!

And there you have it, folks. The Yoko’s pretty much wrapped up the show all neat and tidy. There were a few short final calls, oh, and a mention that either tomorrow or Friday, there will be something “special” on Faction, but that’s all that was said. I assume you’ll have an opportunity to hear old or best-of shows for most of the day or something like that. That’s my best guess anyway. So I guess I should wrap this up huh? Pop quiz hotshots! Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they become Targets. OH! Happy Skanksgiving to all my American trick ass bitches and gangsta-ass swingin’ dicks. Happy get up and go to work like normal to all my Canadian molettes and moles. And shout to all the girls I’ve loved before.

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 9/5/2012

I basically stared at this for the entire Lycans discussion.

Wassup party people in the place to be? I’m filling in for @AZ_RedDragon today because he’s having a fucking dinner party – I know what you’re thinking, I didn’t know he was such a debutante either. HEYOH! Actually, he’s having dinner with @azkellie and @FaceplantLauren and I assume his wife and kids. If going by the songs Ellis played during the breaks today, this is a love filled show today. Ellis got woken up by Paris Hilton today, sure, it was just in his dream, but still. He’ll be moving out of his apartment soon, he plans on giving all his shit to Goodwill so he doesn’t have to move jack shit, solid idea when you get tons of free shit. The DogFather used to read bedtime stories to Rawdog and would do character voices to match the story – including Elmer Fudd, he’s got a wicked awesome Elmer Fudd. More talk about Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, I’m still not sure what this is, but it sounds like another vampire movie and that means it can fuck itself right off my TV, I don’t care how hot Kate Beckinsale is. Shitting and farting in front of your significant other isn’t really all the cool – you’re just asking for trouble because one or both of you are going to end up calling the other a nasty motherfucker.

If you keep eating that shit, you’re gonna pay for it!

Jennifer (Rawdog speak) Jessica Simpson is now sponsored by fat lady snacks Weight Watchers because she’s gained a lot of weight after mowing through Mac-n-Cheese and shit while she was pregnant, and she refuses to run because according to her, her titties are too big. There was quite a bit of time spent on her fatness and diet, which is okay, but I’m done talking about her dumb ass. The real deal Holyfield is that if you get fat and don’t do anything about it, you’ll look for any excuse to justify your fatness. Oh, and don’t scarf down a shitload of “comfort food” (and no, M&M’s do not fall into that category) while you’re pregnant, it’s not doing you or that spawn in your belly, any good. A possible solution is changing your diet to the Ellis Diet, water, dick, and vodka. A listener sent in an email from 2010 that appeared to have Lindsay Lohan as one of the recipients. It outlined who was going to be suing her ass, the skrilla she’ll need to pay for all that shit, and the duckettes she at the time didn’t have to cover anything but a booger. Hilary Duff’s giant head is married to Mike Comrie’s massive dome, and if they boink to make a baby, it will be Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira. There was talk about Octomom porn, I Googled and then shut down my computer – that was enough for one day.

Stick to roller disco, Borneo. And stop with the orangutan sex slave trade.

Some poor orangutan was kept as a sex slave, with repeat customers – and that’s pretty fucked up, man. Why would you prefer to fuck an animal instead of a human? I don’t have an answer for that one. Shout out to Borneo, you monkey fuckers top the list as the most fucked up shithole on the planet. Speaking of fucked up shitholes, we got to hear some new drops today, straight from The DogFather’s mouth (or shithole if I may), showcasing his speech impediment that Rawdog still doesn’t accept as fact. It’s fucking amazing, there’s no way Rawdog doesn’t hear it, he’s pwaying dumb. And for the record, I don’t mean to be offensive when I call The DogFather’s mouth a shithole, it’s more a term of endearment, witerawwy.

World’s Greatest Wednesday came back today! Except it took forever and a day to get going because Will “Shiny Shins” Pendarvis fucked the button bar up like some kind of orangutan fucker or something. For that, he had to create some new intros for the show, which he completely botched the words on most of them – but whatever, he did his famous “radio thing” that’s he’s been known for since the 80’s. On a quick, but completely unimportant note, we found out Lightening Train (aka El Gato) fucked a half Mexican, half Chinese stripper. Anyway, because Ellis is going to be boning Katie in a hot air balloon, WGWtopic for today was “world’s greatest thing to do in a hot air balloon”. And here’s your top 10 in order from 1st to last:

If humans can wear a Bane mask, so can animals.

  1. Bang Katie with a Bane mask on
  2. Get a champagne blowjob from Katie
  3. Pay the pilot to wear a gimp suit
  4. Howl in Katie’s ass
  5. Dress up as Batman and Robin and fuck Katie
  6. Blindfold the pilot and fuck Katie
  7. Put a cubic zirconia around Katie’s neck while fucking her from behind
  8. Fire a flare gun as your cumming from fucking Katie
  9. Get a female pilot and have a threesome
  10. Play “I believe I can fly” from a loudspeaker

Satan called into the show today, he’s in Kansas, he still sounds scary but he’s really dropped off the map and his music is starting to suck. I think Shoebox must be mixing his shit because you can barely hear Satan over the tracks. So here’s what we’ve learned today: Don’t fuck with Lycans, don’t eat mac-n-cheese and expect to lose weight, don’t fuck orangutans, don’t lend money to Lindsay Lohan, don’t fuck with the button bar, and don’t Will-Will the Will unless you’re ready to Will. And for godsakes, you’re old enough to know better by now, you have to stop licking your mom’s cooter, you don’t know where that thing has been. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 8/31/2012

Did I won?

It’s Friday, and I can put it in your motherfuckin’ mouth, I mean if you like. Okay, just let me know I guess. Sharks don’t ever enjoy anything, they don’t like the taste of fish, people, or probably even weed – they’re just terrifying. Ellis went to go surfing today, there were no waves, and then there were waves, and then there was a hot Asian chick on a long board. Get all that? Good! Rawdog is the guy who doesn’t like liking things, which includes pretty much everything except nuggets, hot pockets, ice tea, and weed. Hey, if you say “bathing suit” or “swim suit” – you’re “out of the loop” cuz that shit’s gonna change, it needs to change, it’s time for a new name – and less quote usage from me. I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one who woke up this morning thinking about how in the blue fuck you could honestly masturbate with shit. That’s just fucked up no matter how you slice lather it, you’re looked at in the same light as a murderer.

Doors, how do they work?

Exciting news, a fucking tornado was spotted in my area on radar and by a trained spotter, my phone’s banging out alerts and the local sirens are going off. I’m sitting here tweeting and taking notes on the fuckin’ re-cap – for you – for YOU! The DogFather (who is now selling fortune cookies) and some dude named Matt (who is a Navy Cytologist) came on the show today. There were more speech impediments fwying awound than in that “special” cwass you were in at gwade school. In “Women, Am I Right” news, 50 people wasted half the fucking day looking for a missing woman, whom was also part of the fucking search party. What a twat. There was certainly no shortage of articles for this segment today, but I’m not re-typing all that shit. Just go to CNN or something, I’m sure half that site is filled with dumb bitches making amazing news stories.

I’m not gonna lie…

There were several dudes that called in today to say that they can’t finish while fucking their really super hot wives, they take the Rawdog method and finish later by themselves. You, sirs, are suspects. Some Canadians stole a shitload of maple syrup from the strategic maple syrup reserves, threatening to disrupt the global market on maple fucking syrup. USA? Oil reserves. Canada? Maple syrup reserves. And IBM presents, you make the call. Mia Isabella, a transvestite porn star who Ellis and Rawdog say is hot as fuck, stopped by the show today. At the age of 4 she told her parents she was a girl, got her tits done at age 18, she’s from America but of French, Puerto Rican, & Jamaican decent, and has a full line of transvestite sex toys. The guys played a speed dating game with her, and I can honestly say I never want to hear Ellis whisper hitting on a chick, ever again. Rawdog’s technique sounded exactly like a radio interview – go figure, Tully’s sounded like what you’d think, and Charles the intern sounded like an overly confident, unattractive, fat guy with herpes.

You cannot vote for this… thing.

Clint Eastwood spoke at the RNC last night, looking and sounding old, and making an utter fool of himself as he miserably tried to poke fun at Obama and make jokes. I think the best thing he said was how conservatives don’t go out “hot doggin’ it”, I laughed like a little school girl at that because to me, hot doggin’ means to stick your dick between a girls two ass cheeks and start pumpin’. The guys watched one of the videos I sent of this chick flipping out on a New York City subway train, and then they went to town watching about 4 others that Rawdog found after watching the first one. Most of them have made their rounds on the Internet, but they’re still kinda fun to watch. If I find the time and motivation, maybe I’ll hunt down the links for you – but don’t hold your breath. Unless you want to, just don’t blame me if you get a headache or die or something like that.

Is this racist?

And here we go again, I just got home and more tornado alerts and sirens. Do you see? See how much I love you guys? I heard one of the best callers in awhile on the show, he said Canadian’s should have their babies in the mud – and he might be on to something there. But then, the dumbest caller of the called on to say everyone else was dumb, so naturally, he got motherfuckin shot in the dome, split his wig, sprayed noodles, blasted, etc. Lesson’s from today’s show are? Well, there’s a lot, some were touched on in this re-cap, some from yesterday’s re-cap, and the rest? You’re just gonna have to hope you don’t do them. One extra lesson I can share with you though is, do not – under any circumstances, eat anything your mother cooks for you, she snowball’s into everything she cooks. OH!

Psycho Mike & Dr. Drew (History)

Psycho Mike and Dr. Drew finally made it in studio yesterday. I have that interview, but first let’s listen back to the history of Loveline, Celebrity Rehab, Dr. Drew, and Psycho Mike on The J.Ellis Show.

Slash was on Loveline, J.Ellis learns who Psycho Mike is. – 8/24/10

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Rawdog and Will reveal their dislike for Dr. Drew, Psycho Mike calls the show. – 1/11/11

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Ellis’s first appearance on Loveline – 2/1/11

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Psycho Mike in studio with special guest Dr. Drew Pinsky. – 3/19/12

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