Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/24/14

Sweet shit of Christ (which will be mentioned later on in the show today), I almost forgot it was my turn to do this today! But because of that, I got to hear an encore of Halo by Machine Head when I hit the rewind button on the online player to start at the beginning again, so fuck yeah for that. Since I’m too crunched for time to write a hilarious prologue, let’s get right into it, shall we? OK good, shut your gaping anus and pay attention. Today got started with Ellis talking about how shaving is a pain in the ass when you get old and all your hair has begun migrating from the places it used to be. Especially ass hair. But sculpting your chest hair is straight up doing too fucking much and you should mellow out if you’re doing it. Unless you’re in the UFC and it’s part of the corporate image, but everyone else should fucking stop. Shaving your balls can definitely make a difference at a job interview though, according to Tully. Jason is all about binge-watching Orange Is The New Black, and I still can’t bring myself to care about that show, but Tully has been all over every old Schwarzenegger movie that Netflix has to offer. Jason had some kind of drama with the ex due to some friend of her’s who’s been selling wolf tickets to a bullshit show and he had to defuse the situation but it’s still a headache when bitches be talking shit #AmIRight #NotAllWomen #ButAFuckinLotOfThem. The guys talked a while about how lying is not cool, especially cause lyin’ ass hoes be makin’ up stupid shit just for the sake of doin’ it cause they’re ain’t shit else they got going on that’s worth them devoting their time and energy to. And this kind of shit is why communication is key, ladies and gentlemen (especially you triflin’ bitches, you know who you are). Tully once sort of stalked an ex for one evening while wandering through New York back in the day, but she wouldn’t come down from her apartment long enough for him to slip her some Chloroform and take back what he rightfully discarded. Jason has been trying to arrange a family trip in an RV to go see the grand canyon, and the main concern is who’s gonna be the first carcass dragging behind the rear bumper after shitting in the RV. Jetta tried to explain that you can in fact empty the septic tank in a motorhome, but Ellis was not having any of it and will make his children walk fifty paces off the highway to shit in the desert. The guys discussed whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger was was doing coke with a fifteen year old girl on the set of any of the Conan movies, and how much liquor Andre The Giant could put down if he wasn’t dead from being humongously obese and french and an alcoholic. Tully found a prank video of a guy showing off his phone to some ladies and then it spontaneously gets a phone call from Drake, that’s right, the Canadian ex-pat emo R&B singer, and he’s been using this trick to slay the bitches cause human beings these days are a floundering cesspool of genetic filth and I for one am happy that climate change and poor access to proper nutrition in America will kill several million of them. I’m talking about both sides of this equation, the pick-up artist and any lady stupid enough to go on a date with him just cause he allegedly knows a shitty musician. He will impregnate one of you with an idiot baby that you will need public assistance to raise, and thus the cycle will continue, since poverty is hereditary as is being a fucking moron. The guys talked a while about some of the tricks that people have tried using to get in their pants, like one lady who was lurking the shit out of Jason while he was hanging out with Benji, and then she slipped him her number written on the inside of a candy wrapper or some such shit. And to come back around to my point about horrible human beings, remember the story about the little girl who got kicked out of KFC cause someone complained about all her pit-bull face scars? Well, that was a complete load of shit. Now, KFC is gonna give them $30,000 as a donation for her medical expenses, whether the story is true or not, but all the same, in the land of  frivolous lawsuits, it becomes pointless to have real problems that you need help with, especially when you can open a Kickstarter account to raise money for yourself for having an annoying job. Tully keeps seeing TV commercials for all of the horrible things we put women through, like weight loss pills and hair-removal flashlights and class action lawsuits regarding failed vaginal mesh surgery, and I see all of this too and it reinforces my belief that mother fuckers need to start having some quality control with their fellow human beings. Jetta was supposed to spin the wheel of doom yesterday, but couldn’t because of some shit or another, so Jason wanted to have him do it today. If you remember from whenever the hell it happened, Jetta does have a get out of jail free card, but Ellis still felt the need to berate him for a mistake he made in getting the studio ready for the show at some point. I kinda missed all of this yesterday, but it seemed like the kind of thing that could have been less of a major issue. But whatever, let’s hear some Metallica.


So, in a display of how awesome the show has become in all these years, ICE T IS IN THE HOUSE BEEYITCH!!! In case you didn’t catch it, Body Count released a new album recently, which is probably why Ice is out doing stuff and talking to people and hanging out on the west coast when his day job is on Law And Order out on the east side. The guys talked music and stuff for a while and Ice T likes satellite for the fact that you don’t have to be radio rock to get played there, and Jason mentioned his own bands without mentioning that one song from the last album that originally came about as him making fun of the lyrics from Cop Killer. There was some talk about the use of the word FUCK and how it’s all situational, but if you need to say “Fuck The Police” it’s important not to censor yourself or let anyone else do it to you. Ice told us about his experience working on Law And Order, and it’s been pretty good to him cause he can play the one kind of cop he doesn’t hate and protect fictional innocent people from the hard shit going on in the streets. Ice gave a little back story on the ups and downs of Body Count throughout the years as well as a quick rundown of how they came about to make the newest record, and aside from losing their bass player to a drive-by and their drummer to leukemia, they’re still fucking shredding. And if you don’t believe me, check them out at the Mayhem Festival and also some metal festival that’s going on up in Canada that I didn’t catch the name of. Ice T told stories of all the big names in punk, hardcore and metal that he’s worked with, and how being a rock star can be really awesome cardio as long as you time your breaks well. Jason and Ice talked training and fighting and how it’s different when you’re an adult but it never hurts to know how to snap a crackhead in half, especially if you’re girlfriend’s around to see it, cause that’ll give her a massive lady boner. The guys talked about the new video for Talk Shit Get Shot cause TMZ had a problem with Body Count making a music video with a shitload of white people, but the real story was that the casting was thrown together in way too short a time and all they could get was honkies, plus Ice T is a pretty fair skinned black person, so it’s not a black on white crime thing. But it all boils down to Ice T hating those internet tough guy bloggers who talk all kinds of head about shit from a completely one sided perspective over some shit that’s just one small minority opinion on something that really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. And as a person who complains on the internet regularly, I can see his angle. Ice and the boys talked for a while about the ins and outs of dealing with fame journalists (paprazzi) and how no matter how worthless and disgusting they are as people, they mostly act that way cause they’re spiteful so if you treat them with a little dignity and courtesy, they’re a lot less likely to go out of their way to fuck up your day constantly. Tully was at the beach with Linsanity this weekend and saw the paparazzi stalking Gwen Stefani’s kids AGAIN, which made him think that maybe she’s calling them to let them know where she’s gonna be. The guys talked a while about how Ice doesn’t have to turn in his hood pass for playing a cop on TV cause all of his friends know who he is and the only people talking shit were people who didn’t know him before the fact. Old ladies think he’s a hero, and his charity is continuing to be Ice T and staying out of the ghetto. The guys played a cut off the new Body Count record and let Ice get back to whatever surely more important stuff he had to do in LA that day. But before they let him leave, he had to play his band’s cover of Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies and that shit was cut off by the Sirius/XM on demand player, but I’m sure I can find it on YouTube when I get the chance. I caught the first couple drum beats, it sounded pretty good. Definitely worth my time.


GO TO ONNIT.COM and enter a contest to get a free motorcycle! It’s for charity and Onnit does good things SO FUCK YOUR PROBLEMS JUST DO IT!!! Check your tits and balls for lumps too, cause cancer is a mother fucker! And if you have both tits and balls, well there’s probably a lucrative career in porn for you! Tully let a nice black lady fondle his balls to check for lumps and said it was a fantastic experience AND he didn’t have cancer!!! I’m sure the Dave Matthews band live performance in the background certainly made it a much more relaxing environment. Jason was listening to some lady he heard at the pride parade while he was in the shower and said it’s way more annoying when water is splashing on you than it is when everybody’s drunk and sun-stroked and FAAAAAAbulous. Tully found a video of a guy surfing a fucking massive wave and getting shitwhipped straight into the ocean cause that’s what happens when you’re not incredibly high level in the surfing world and take on a wave you probably shouldn’t. He came back to it again though, and got it handled on the second try, did even better than some fuckwit on a jet ski. There’s another video of a 10 year old skate prodigy going full tard at the Venice beach skate park and fucking himself up transitioning through the bowls or something like that. But hey, none of that is as dangerous as crystal meth, especially if you’re in Florida, and you get so high that you think someone is an alien and decide to start stalking them with an unregistered gun and talking crazy shit loud enough for someone to hear it and call the cops on you for being crazy and high on meth. He also said he was “a big deal” and had 100,000 Asian flowers, or something like that cause meth. Speaking of meth, it’s time for the Etsy game!!! Where Jason finds disturbing, kitschy gifts for his girlfriend and the rest of us think of more reasons to murder hipsters!!! Some of the fine goods the guys were able to find in the deep dark recesses of the Etsy this week were a flame patterned barbecue apron with a full on cock, balls and pubes (only $30!), a handmade life size replica of the hydraulic loader suit from the movie “Aliens” with working but not fully functional hydraulics (made entirely out of garbage and spare parts, a mere $1,600!!!), a 100% vegan cat fur suit (which seems fucking impossible to me, but  you can own it for a scant $715 and it seems that a big part of the price is the realism factor of it!!!), a hoarder doll house cause in this day and age why the fuck not? (IT CAN BE YOURS FOR ONE EASY BUT RIDICULOUS PAYMENT OF $400), a painting made of vomited ink on three different canvasses (and what better price to pay for hazardous waste than $250?!?!?!?), a doll’s head bar of soap (for the one time only price of $10), a magical mystery box which could include jeweled beetle wings, porcupine quills, blown out bird eggs, rodent bones, shark teeth, Jesus Christ’s fossilized testicles, just basically a lot of animal parts and crap she found in the woods (no declared value for any of the possible contents, but you could either get a great deal or be completely fleeced by buying this box for $30), extra large buffalo scrotum for making baby toys or candy dishes out of (all at an outrageous deal of $32.95), a heart shaped locket filled with breast milk for the fucked up mother in all of us (at a mere $28), a leather sex mask with droopy dog eyes (a bargain at twice the price of $239), a gray fox’s FACE!!! no skull or other components included (for the doorbuster price of $7.95), and finally, a fossilized prehistoric turd from an unknown animal, very possibly a dinosaur (AT THE BIBLICALLY LOW PRICE OF $10,000) and once more, let it be known that idiots with money are a wide open market for stupid things that other people don’t want.


AUSSIE NEWS YA FUCKIN’ CUNTS!!! Apparently, Australians just can’t stop pissing into their own mouths, so much so that they’ve taken to creatively calling it “bubbling” and it is taking the nation by storm. Just proof that when you live in an isolated country, you will run out of things to do and sometimes creativity will take a turn for the worse. People are even doing it in public at rock festivals and skate parks all across the land. As common as it is though, most of the people still think it’s fucking weird and gross (as they should), they just aren’t doing much about it. Tully saw a book called the “Worst Case Scenario Handbook” and it describes some plausible solutions to when shit goes really bad, like surviving a plain crash miles away from any kind of help, or how to do a J-turn and ram a car out of your way, shit like that. This brought up the question of who would Hot Dog eat if he was trapped in the studio for months and everybody else was dead? Nate said that Kevin would be the first, even though he has head cysts. Kevin would try to win him over with belly rubs and such before hand, but that would not protect him from being barbecued in an empty oil drum for the enjoyment of the Faction staff on casual Friday. The guys agreed, and after EM10, Cumtard will be ground into marshmallowy sausages and the fans are all invited for beer and tard-brats in the parking lot of the SiriusXM high rise in downtown LA. Tully floated a few more of these worst case scenarios to see what the guys might do in unusual circumstances, like what would you do to survive an elephant stampede? Jason would make it a point to get the fuck out of the way, as most people should, Tully would try to climb a tree which is actually one of the suggestions the book made cause the elephants would be trying to avoid them, and Hot Dog would also try to get the fuck out of the way but somehow when he suggests it he sounds like an idiot. Luckily though, if an elephant finds your corpse they will have the decency to bury you. Next, how do you stop a car with no brakes? First obvious answer is the “EMERGENCY BRAKE” as most every vehicle is equipped with, just try not to swing it too hard or you’ll roll it. Tully would try coasting it to a stop, but if your brakes are out it’s probably not the best plan cause you wouldn’t know you’re brakes were out unless you were trying to stop, so in that case he would just turf it and let the car go were it wants to. Hot Dog would try downshifting if it were possible on that particular vehicle, and if that doesn’t help then just turf it, a la Michael Tully. Next, what would you do if the elevator you’re riding in just started falling? Ellis would knock out Hot Dog and use his carcass for padding, Tully would try to time a jump like some shitty action movie and we would all laugh at his funeral, and Hot Dog would do a hand stand cause he does not value his own survival. Here’s one, how would you escape from a boa constrictor? Conventional wisdom is that you don’t and become tasty snake treats, or rip the fucker’s head off if at all possible. There were more of these, and probably final calls and stuff, but I fell asleep watching the shittiest movie ever and got too busy at work this morning to listen to the last 20 minutes of the show, but luckily it’s almost time for another one so whatever I missed today shall be made up for in spades!


Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Recap for Thursday 3/20/2014

Hey-oh!!! I finished listening to the show at like seven thirty for once…but due to the fact that I have a Hubbs and a Bub and a Pup to take care of…I still didn’t get a chance to start writing this thing until almost 11 at night. On the plus side…I found 40 bucks in the street tonight, so I’m going to go ahead and take that as Karma saying, “Keep fighting the good fight, bitch,” and keep doing what I’m doing. It would have been nicer to find a hundo…but beggars really can’t be choosers and I’m going to shut up about it before Karma thinks I’m ungrateful and my laptop crashes or something.

Opening up The Jason Ellis Show is that new intro that I’m sort of not really a hundred percent on, and neither is Ellis. According to him, it’s almost there, and he and Tully really love Aidan Ashley (who is the new voice on the intro) but it’s still a little bit lacking. To me…it’s still a lot lacking. I dunno…I turned to Hubbs after hearing it for the first time and said, “It sounds like she’s sad.” Because…she sounds like she’s sad. But, the good news is that Tully and Ellis both agree that there is indeed some more tweaking to be done before the show intro is where they want it and will be happy with it…at least for a while until they get the urge to change it again. They talk about perhaps sending out Kevin and Jetta to recruit people on the street to be featured reading from the script while working out, which brings Tully to the subject of working out in general. Tully tells Ellis and all of us that he started the Onnit Naked Challenge again this morning (after intending to do it for the past 5 months or so) and he did it in his backyard, which was embarrassing. Why did it make Tully so red in the face? Well, other than the fact that he was working out (if you aren’t getting all hot and sweaty then you just aren’t doing it right ladies and gentleman), there’s the fact that his wife’s office faces the backyard and he got super winded from doing the five minute exercise. Also, he spent the fifteen ensuing minutes walking around the house hiding from his wife while he recovered from the five minute workout, and he thought it was embarrassing because she sees buff guys at the gym. He does look at the brighter side and say that hopefully his wife sees it as, “well, at least he cares enough to try and get off his pudgy ass and is trying to get in shape”, or something like that. Ellis commiserates because, as we all know, he hasn’t been feeling on top of his game over the last couple of weeks and working out is hard. But it’s all about the big picture, guys, cause once Tully and Ellis get over their workout/fitness/bitchfest hump then their lives will be better for having had the struggle and the power to overcome. Yadda yadda…something inspirational.

This fitness talk spews into variety being the spice of life and the guys talking about whether they would pick a diet of bland food but the ability to sleep with a new woman every night over the tastiest diet of all time and having to be monogamous. Ellis doesn’t really see the allure of bland food and sex with a different girl every night, cause chances are you’ll be eating bland food and having bland sex. Tully says that, if he weren’t in the situation he were in (i.e. if he weren’t married and a daddy) he would choose the bland food and the endless sex buffet because he thinks it would be cool to just have sex with different chicks all of the time. Yeah, he knows that not all of them would be a ten in the sack, but I think he thinks it would be interesting because he would never really know what he was going to get. I mean, a bitch can talk all sorts of game and then lay in bed like a dead fish where a quiet little bunny turns into a fucking beast in the sack. That’s what I would find interesting about that deal and therefore I am attributing these thoughts to Tully as well, because he’s a deep thinker. Not to be mistaken, Tully does clarify that he is perfectly happy in the situation that he is in, but sometimes he likes to get all thoughtful and ponder the things that will never happen to him now that he has a ball and chain and baby to boot. They take a lot of calls at this point on love and relationships, hot sad wives, being stuck in a rut of dating the same kind of hot chick that never works out in the long run, and doing steroids and our favorite hosts dole out their winning advice of sounds like you need to move to a warm climate, try dating ugly chicks and stop meeting ladies at the bar, and don’t do steroids.

Steroids gets them back to talking about fitness because Tully says that he doesn’t think chicks are really into overly muscle-y dudes anymore. That was so totally an 80’s thing. And, speaking on behalf of the female population, no, we are not in to super muscle-y guys. Yeah, there are some chicks that dig that- mostly because they are probably super shallow and can’t find two neurons in their head to rub together long enough to get a synapse to fire and therefor just need something overtly manly to ogle and desire, but most chicks I know and most chicks I talk to…we want a regular guy. Yeah, it’s nice if you’re a fit guy who doesn’t get winded walking down the block, but guys with tons of muscles are horrible cuddlers. It’s like trying to get all mushy with a rock. A fresh chip of the boulder rock, not an ocean wave softened rock. But fitness has become a status symbol in society. It’s part of the package. You know that you’ve made it if you have a lot of money, have a good job, know how to dress yourself, drive a nice car, go out to schmancy restaurants, and are still fit. Fit is the cherry on top of the ‘you’re doing good in life’ sundae. I think it partly has to do with the fact that what is seen as ideal in society is often the thing that is hard to attain. Back in the day when lots of people were basically starving all of the time, being fat was the ‘in’ thing to do. People knew that you had it going on because you could afford to not only eat, but to indulge to the point where you were overweight while they continued digging their future grave in their backyard that would only ever get partially dug because they’d die from starvation in the process. Just like anorexia and bulimia are big in the fashion world because a model figure is seen as ideal…it is not something everyone can have and even the people who do have it try and kill themselves to maintain it. Now, we’re on a binge of fitness. Not really the worst thing ever. But it’s hard. It is hard to work all of the time, have a family, eat right, and get a workout in there. I know, because I’m the bitch who works out at home at midnight in her kids’ room cause he’s sleeping in my bed. So equates with status. But also…sometimes you just want to eat pizza for dinner and then a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon the next morning. The struggle is real.

Back from the break, Tully let’s us know that, at some point, they will be doing the Unsigned Bands segment again on the show and if you have an unsigned band and want to send in some tunes, send it to and maybe you’ll hear your band get made fun of on the radio. Or, you may even hear your band get a rare ‘hey, this isn’t completely shitty’ type of shout out. Also, Ellis and Tully have put out the call for props to have in the studio for guests to take instagram pictures with, so if you have something that you think they would like, please feel free to send them a picture and or description of that item to the above email address as well.

It’s time for, what may very well be, my favorite game on the show!!! The Etsy Thing! Which there is no intro for, so Wilson, where are you?!?!? Say some shit and let’s throw an intro together. What? What’s that Will? You don’t like doing intros and think that it’s embarrassing? But you’re so good at them! No one does them like you do (except for maybe THC, but he’s basically cheating by being as awesome as he is) and this game has been played a handful of times and needs an intro! Eventually Will spits some wonderful phrases out for an intro in return for Jetta doing a guest HateBean song, which he doesn’t completely suck at doing- but I had a way better idea for a chorus than the shit that he spewed, for the record, and now it actually is time for the Etsy Thing. The Etsy Thing, for anyone who doesn’t know, is when the guys have to guess what a random item on Etsy (on online store for random homemade shit) is being sold for. The items today were:

  1. A hanging hairless cat bat sculpture for the lowlow price of $40
  2. A fart in a jar for the bargain of $54
  3. A magical living god ring that brings luck and genie wishes for $3000
  4. A Camo/Hunter Orange knitted cock cozy for $12 (a steal!!!!)
  5. A Fecal Love Mixtape with Authentic Pubic Hair for $17.14
  6. Petrified Whale Vertebrae for $70
  7. Prehistoric Fossil Poop for $12
  8. A Taxidermy Toad coin purse for $25 (but you can’t have it, Ellis bought it)
  9. Cock and Balls Catnip holding dick for $20
  10. Crochet Boob Pillow with hand and nipple ring for $38
  11. Alien Sex Business Card Holder for $9.99 (Tully swooped in and bought that one)
  12. The Original Boob Scarf for $25
  13. Hand Crafted Wood Flogger for $139.99

Ellis won the game and there were a lot of good and bad guesses and they were all pretty neck and neck up until the end. Tully is overall the best at the game, in my opinion, because he goes all deep into the mind of the Etsy folk and usually only gets a point snagged because he’s over when other people are off but under. That’s what she said. Maybe. But probably not. Before the break Tully rattles off some props that they may be interested in for instagram photos which include a conehead, chimp hands, blonde mullet wig, Viking helmet, hot dog hat, and battlesword.

Back from the second break Tully tells us that CumTard introduced him to a new genre of music that he is pretty sure a genuine attempt at creating a new genre and isn’t a joke. The genre is gay rap and the movement is being fronted by a rapper from Louisiana named Fly Young Red with his latest single called ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’ the video of which Ellis wouldn’t want his children to see because he doesn’t want to have to explain that to them yet. Upon saying this, Ellis thinks about how there is the existing double standard because if there were girls in place of the guys in the video he wouldn’t think twice about letting his children watch it, but if this video came on while his kids were in the living room he would get up and change the channel. Tully thinks that’s perfectly acceptable because there’s a difference between being against homosexuality and whatnot and not wanting to have to explain something to your kids just yet. Tully then brings up ‘The Gay Agenda’ and honestly, I’m not even touching that. I hate that phrase in genera for its inherent negative connotations. Gay people aren’t trying to take over the world, guys, they’re just trying to live in it.

Now…time for Hollywood News! There’s a lot going on in Hollywood, first on the list being that Pamela Anderson has come out and said that her children (who are 16 and 17) now know that she has a sex tape. They have not seen it, because no one wants to see their mom in that position…ever…but they do know that it exists. Tully brings up how it seems that there were more sex tapes being leaked back when you had to make a sex tape with an actual camcorder, as opposed to now where everyone has a perfectly capable camera in their pocket on the phone. Ellis thinks it’s because camera phones and phones are a major downer in the sack, but a camcorder makes you feel like you’re making a porno. Joe Francis (The Girls Gone Wild Guy) has said that he and his chick are ready to have a baby. Well…what if he has a girl? Ellis doesn’t think it matters either way because he’s pretty sure that Joe Francis plans on spending very little time with his child and is just ‘ready to have a baby’ to make his chick, who is super hot, happy. Mace…or Mase…or…I dunno, but he was a rapper turned religious guy turned rapper turned religious guy again back in the day and then fell off the radar, but he’s back in the news. He and his wife have a book and built a whole church and business about how to have a marriage as happy as theirs, and TMZ just recently discovered that Mace/Mase filed for divorce last year. The couple appear to have patched it up and are still together…but lol…have a marriage as good as ours that almost completely fell apart!!! Although, you can also look at it as…they’re marriage was about to end, but they managed to work it out and are still together. That’s called optimism, I believe. In some sad news, L’Wren Scott was found hanged in her apartment and her death has been ruled a suicide. She was a model/fashion designer, as well as being in a 12 year relationship with Mick Jagger, who was devastated by the news of her death. There are a lot of rumors surrounding her suicide, including her company being millions in the hole, Mick Jagger breaking up with her (which he denies), and The Rolling Stones hating her. Whatever the reason, it’s sad news, so I’m not going to make any jokes about it.

Back from the third break Tyler Posey, newest member of Death Death Die is in the studio. He is pumped to be back hanging out with Ellis and Tully and is even wearing a Wolfknives shirt, which is beyond awesome…and now…all of a sudden, the influx of really young sounding callers over the past couple of months is making more and more sense. TyPo chats with Ellis about Teen Wolf and is super happy that Ellis watches it, and they talk about him being in the band playing the Keytar, then get him to riff on the keytar and they share some stories, most notably one where Ellis tells about how the Burn Out King pulled off the Ultimate Burn Out in honor of Ellis’ father after he died and it was the burn out to end all burn outs. It was a pretty touching story, all things considered, and you could tell that it really meant a lot to Ellis. TyPo was a great, adorable guest, and although I can’t tell him from a hole in the wall I followed him on Instagram when Ellis tagged him in a photo cause if Ellis likes him, he can’t be all that bad, right?

Things we learned on the show today:

Devin has a bladder infection and Ellis was up at 345 AM meanwhile the Mummy slept until 11

Rick is a lovely guy

Women hate when you say “All women…”

Ellis is getting his RCH bike tomorrow

Valhalla Rising was a sick Viking movie #mudrape

It’s the Mexrichauns fault the TV keeps shutting off

Ken Block has a barbecue on his truck better than the one at your house

Vikings made awesome swords 800 years before anyone else did

You knew you were in with Dee if she brought you a bowl of nuts

Ellis had to put together Devin’s Heely’s and that’s pretty fucked up

The shocker should not be your go to sex move

James Franco doesn’t smoke weed

All Australians can do the best burn outs ever

Tiggie things a period is something that makes your butt explode in your pants

TyPo wants Ellis to dock him (and yeah…I had to google wtf that meant)

Hardcore’s girlfriend wants to have sex with TyPo

TyPo and Ellis both have dagger tattoos…cause they’re brothers, duh

Will’s life is made up of Pink Floyd, Lanyards, and Beans


Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.

But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.

Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.

Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.

Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.

You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.

May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.

The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.

Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.

Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.

The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. is a style that we all can agree on.

Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.

Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:

  •  a copper meditation pyramid for $55
  • a claw predator ring for $125
  • a Haitian VooDoo penis enlargement charm for $9.87
  • a banana woman love doll (that you shouldn’t wash) for $700
  • a 7 1/2 inch Hentai Dildo with suction cups for $60
  • a dolphin stuffie with vagina for $33
  • a raccoon penis bone for $9.95
  • an heirloom custom seashell craft for $10
  • a mummified two headed rabbit for $40
  • a photo plate featuring a hawk eating a sea lion placenta for $69.99
  • a faux fur fox tail butt plug for $54.99
  • a padlocked Doritos locos taco for $55
  • a jar of human toenails for $25
  • a ‘Roshanda’ (penis titty with human and fur hair and teeth) for $95
  • a graduation day penis sculpture for $25
  • a crocheted pair of Adam and Eve for $75

How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).

Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.

Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.

And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.

Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves

Ellis relates to engines

Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday

Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys

Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife

Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number

Protest the war, not the warriors

Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better

People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree

What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis has new videos up

Abe isn’t there for final calls

Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics

Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist

Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao

Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo