When Ellis was but a wee tike, he loved himself some breakfast cereals. Particularly, Australian Cocoa Puffs. You might be asking yourself, what makes American Cocoa Puffs different from Australian Cocoa Puffs? And the answer is simple. One is sugary chocolate goodness and the other is just plain old rabbit shit pellets.
Hey-oh!!! I finished listening to the show at like seven thirty for once…but due to the fact that I have a Hubbs and a Bub and a Pup to take care of…I still didn’t get a chance to start writing this thing until almost 11 at night. On the plus side…I found 40 bucks in the street tonight, so I’m going to go ahead and take that as Karma saying, “Keep fighting the good fight, bitch,” and keep doing what I’m doing. It would have been nicer to find a hundo…but beggars really can’t be choosers and I’m going to shut up about it before Karma thinks I’m ungrateful and my laptop crashes or something.
Opening up The Jason Ellis Show is that new intro that I’m sort of not really a hundred percent on, and neither is Ellis. According to him, it’s almost there, and he and Tully really love Aidan Ashley (who is the new voice on the intro) but it’s still a little bit lacking. To me…it’s still a lot lacking. I dunno…I turned to Hubbs after hearing it for the first time and said, “It sounds like she’s sad.” Because…she sounds like she’s sad. But, the good news is that Tully and Ellis both agree that there is indeed some more tweaking to be done before the show intro is where they want it and will be happy with it…at least for a while until they get the urge to change it again. They talk about perhaps sending out Kevin and Jetta to recruit people on the street to be featured reading from the script while working out, which brings Tully to the subject of working out in general. Tully tells Ellis and all of us that he started the Onnit Naked Challenge again this morning (after intending to do it for the past 5 months or so) and he did it in his backyard, which was embarrassing. Why did it make Tully so red in the face? Well, other than the fact that he was working out (if you aren’t getting all hot and sweaty then you just aren’t doing it right ladies and gentleman), there’s the fact that his wife’s office faces the backyard and he got super winded from doing the five minute exercise. Also, he spent the fifteen ensuing minutes walking around the house hiding from his wife while he recovered from the five minute workout, and he thought it was embarrassing because she sees buff guys at the gym. He does look at the brighter side and say that hopefully his wife sees it as, “well, at least he cares enough to try and get off his pudgy ass and is trying to get in shape”, or something like that. Ellis commiserates because, as we all know, he hasn’t been feeling on top of his game over the last couple of weeks and working out is hard. But it’s all about the big picture, guys, cause once Tully and Ellis get over their workout/fitness/bitchfest hump then their lives will be better for having had the struggle and the power to overcome. Yadda yadda…something inspirational.
This fitness talk spews into variety being the spice of life and the guys talking about whether they would pick a diet of bland food but the ability to sleep with a new woman every night over the tastiest diet of all time and having to be monogamous. Ellis doesn’t really see the allure of bland food and sex with a different girl every night, cause chances are you’ll be eating bland food and having bland sex. Tully says that, if he weren’t in the situation he were in (i.e. if he weren’t married and a daddy) he would choose the bland food and the endless sex buffet because he thinks it would be cool to just have sex with different chicks all of the time. Yeah, he knows that not all of them would be a ten in the sack, but I think he thinks it would be interesting because he would never really know what he was going to get. I mean, a bitch can talk all sorts of game and then lay in bed like a dead fish where a quiet little bunny turns into a fucking beast in the sack. That’s what I would find interesting about that deal and therefore I am attributing these thoughts to Tully as well, because he’s a deep thinker. Not to be mistaken, Tully does clarify that he is perfectly happy in the situation that he is in, but sometimes he likes to get all thoughtful and ponder the things that will never happen to him now that he has a ball and chain and baby to boot. They take a lot of calls at this point on love and relationships, hot sad wives, being stuck in a rut of dating the same kind of hot chick that never works out in the long run, and doing steroids and our favorite hosts dole out their winning advice of sounds like you need to move to a warm climate, try dating ugly chicks and stop meeting ladies at the bar, and don’t do steroids.
Steroids gets them back to talking about fitness because Tully says that he doesn’t think chicks are really into overly muscle-y dudes anymore. That was so totally an 80’s thing. And, speaking on behalf of the female population, no, we are not in to super muscle-y guys. Yeah, there are some chicks that dig that- mostly because they are probably super shallow and can’t find two neurons in their head to rub together long enough to get a synapse to fire and therefor just need something overtly manly to ogle and desire, but most chicks I know and most chicks I talk to…we want a regular guy. Yeah, it’s nice if you’re a fit guy who doesn’t get winded walking down the block, but guys with tons of muscles are horrible cuddlers. It’s like trying to get all mushy with a rock. A fresh chip of the boulder rock, not an ocean wave softened rock. But fitness has become a status symbol in society. It’s part of the package. You know that you’ve made it if you have a lot of money, have a good job, know how to dress yourself, drive a nice car, go out to schmancy restaurants, and are still fit. Fit is the cherry on top of the ‘you’re doing good in life’ sundae. I think it partly has to do with the fact that what is seen as ideal in society is often the thing that is hard to attain. Back in the day when lots of people were basically starving all of the time, being fat was the ‘in’ thing to do. People knew that you had it going on because you could afford to not only eat, but to indulge to the point where you were overweight while they continued digging their future grave in their backyard that would only ever get partially dug because they’d die from starvation in the process. Just like anorexia and bulimia are big in the fashion world because a model figure is seen as ideal…it is not something everyone can have and even the people who do have it try and kill themselves to maintain it. Now, we’re on a binge of fitness. Not really the worst thing ever. But it’s hard. It is hard to work all of the time, have a family, eat right, and get a workout in there. I know, because I’m the bitch who works out at home at midnight in her kids’ room cause he’s sleeping in my bed. So yeah..fitness equates with status. But also…sometimes you just want to eat pizza for dinner and then a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon the next morning. The struggle is real.
Back from the break, Tully let’s us know that, at some point, they will be doing the Unsigned Bands segment again on the show and if you have an unsigned band and want to send in some tunes, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and maybe you’ll hear your band get made fun of on the radio. Or, you may even hear your band get a rare ‘hey, this isn’t completely shitty’ type of shout out. Also, Ellis and Tully have put out the call for props to have in the studio for guests to take instagram pictures with, so if you have something that you think they would like, please feel free to send them a picture and or description of that item to the above email address as well.
It’s time for, what may very well be, my favorite game on the show!!! The Etsy Thing! Which there is no intro for, so Wilson, where are you?!?!? Say some shit and let’s throw an intro together. What? What’s that Will? You don’t like doing intros and think that it’s embarrassing? But you’re so good at them! No one does them like you do (except for maybe THC, but he’s basically cheating by being as awesome as he is) and this game has been played a handful of times and needs an intro! Eventually Will spits some wonderful phrases out for an intro in return for Jetta doing a guest HateBean song, which he doesn’t completely suck at doing- but I had a way better idea for a chorus than the shit that he spewed, for the record, and now it actually is time for the Etsy Thing. The Etsy Thing, for anyone who doesn’t know, is when the guys have to guess what a random item on Etsy (on online store for random homemade shit) is being sold for. The items today were:
- A hanging hairless cat bat sculpture for the lowlow price of $40
- A fart in a jar for the bargain of $54
- A magical living god ring that brings luck and genie wishes for $3000
- A Camo/Hunter Orange knitted cock cozy for $12 (a steal!!!!)
- A Fecal Love Mixtape with Authentic Pubic Hair for $17.14
- Petrified Whale Vertebrae for $70
- Prehistoric Fossil Poop for $12
- A Taxidermy Toad coin purse for $25 (but you can’t have it, Ellis bought it)
- Cock and Balls Catnip holding dick for $20
- Crochet Boob Pillow with hand and nipple ring for $38
- Alien Sex Business Card Holder for $9.99 (Tully swooped in and bought that one)
- The Original Boob Scarf for $25
- Hand Crafted Wood Flogger for $139.99
Ellis won the game and there were a lot of good and bad guesses and they were all pretty neck and neck up until the end. Tully is overall the best at the game, in my opinion, because he goes all deep into the mind of the Etsy folk and usually only gets a point snagged because he’s over when other people are off but under. That’s what she said. Maybe. But probably not. Before the break Tully rattles off some props that they may be interested in for instagram photos which include a conehead, chimp hands, blonde mullet wig, Viking helmet, hot dog hat, and battlesword.
Back from the second break Tully tells us that CumTard introduced him to a new genre of music that he is pretty sure a genuine attempt at creating a new genre and isn’t a joke. The genre is gay rap and the movement is being fronted by a rapper from Louisiana named Fly Young Red with his latest single called ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’ the video of which Ellis wouldn’t want his children to see because he doesn’t want to have to explain that to them yet. Upon saying this, Ellis thinks about how there is the existing double standard because if there were girls in place of the guys in the video he wouldn’t think twice about letting his children watch it, but if this video came on while his kids were in the living room he would get up and change the channel. Tully thinks that’s perfectly acceptable because there’s a difference between being against homosexuality and whatnot and not wanting to have to explain something to your kids just yet. Tully then brings up ‘The Gay Agenda’ and honestly, I’m not even touching that. I hate that phrase in genera for its inherent negative connotations. Gay people aren’t trying to take over the world, guys, they’re just trying to live in it.
Now…time for Hollywood News! There’s a lot going on in Hollywood, first on the list being that Pamela Anderson has come out and said that her children (who are 16 and 17) now know that she has a sex tape. They have not seen it, because no one wants to see their mom in that position…ever…but they do know that it exists. Tully brings up how it seems that there were more sex tapes being leaked back when you had to make a sex tape with an actual camcorder, as opposed to now where everyone has a perfectly capable camera in their pocket on the phone. Ellis thinks it’s because camera phones and phones are a major downer in the sack, but a camcorder makes you feel like you’re making a porno. Joe Francis (The Girls Gone Wild Guy) has said that he and his chick are ready to have a baby. Well…what if he has a girl? Ellis doesn’t think it matters either way because he’s pretty sure that Joe Francis plans on spending very little time with his child and is just ‘ready to have a baby’ to make his chick, who is super hot, happy. Mace…or Mase…or…I dunno, but he was a rapper turned religious guy turned rapper turned religious guy again back in the day and then fell off the radar, but he’s back in the news. He and his wife have a book and built a whole church and business about how to have a marriage as happy as theirs, and TMZ just recently discovered that Mace/Mase filed for divorce last year. The couple appear to have patched it up and are still together…but lol…have a marriage as good as ours that almost completely fell apart!!! Although, you can also look at it as…they’re marriage was about to end, but they managed to work it out and are still together. That’s called optimism, I believe. In some sad news, L’Wren Scott was found hanged in her apartment and her death has been ruled a suicide. She was a model/fashion designer, as well as being in a 12 year relationship with Mick Jagger, who was devastated by the news of her death. There are a lot of rumors surrounding her suicide, including her company being millions in the hole, Mick Jagger breaking up with her (which he denies), and The Rolling Stones hating her. Whatever the reason, it’s sad news, so I’m not going to make any jokes about it.
Back from the third break Tyler Posey, newest member of Death Death Die is in the studio. He is pumped to be back hanging out with Ellis and Tully and is even wearing a Wolfknives shirt, which is beyond awesome…and now…all of a sudden, the influx of really young sounding callers over the past couple of months is making more and more sense. TyPo chats with Ellis about Teen Wolf and is super happy that Ellis watches it, and they talk about him being in the band playing the Keytar, then get him to riff on the keytar and they share some stories, most notably one where Ellis tells about how the Burn Out King pulled off the Ultimate Burn Out in honor of Ellis’ father after he died and it was the burn out to end all burn outs. It was a pretty touching story, all things considered, and you could tell that it really meant a lot to Ellis. TyPo was a great, adorable guest, and although I can’t tell him from a hole in the wall I followed him on Instagram when Ellis tagged him in a photo cause if Ellis likes him, he can’t be all that bad, right?
Things we learned on the show today:
Devin has a bladder infection and Ellis was up at 345 AM meanwhile the Mummy slept until 11
Rick is a lovely guy
Women hate when you say “All women…”
Ellis is getting his RCH bike tomorrow
Valhalla Rising was a sick Viking movie #mudrape
It’s the Mexrichauns fault the TV keeps shutting off
Ken Block has a barbecue on his truck better than the one at your house
Vikings made awesome swords 800 years before anyone else did
You knew you were in with Dee if she brought you a bowl of nuts
Ellis had to put together Devin’s Heely’s and that’s pretty fucked up
The shocker should not be your go to sex move
James Franco doesn’t smoke weed
All Australians can do the best burn outs ever
Tiggie things a period is something that makes your butt explode in your pants
TyPo wants Ellis to dock him (and yeah…I had to google wtf that meant)
Hardcore’s girlfriend wants to have sex with TyPo
TyPo and Ellis both have dagger tattoos…cause they’re brothers, duh
Will’s life is made up of Pink Floyd, Lanyards, and Beans