It’s game time! Today’s game is “What’s on my balls” with @KevinKraftSucks as the contestant. No prizes, no real winners, just a blindfolded Cumtard trying to guess what is being put on his balls.
If you’ve ever wondered how Cumtard sounds in the throws of ecstasy, it sounds exactly like when he’s terrified. High quality & hilarious scream-fest ensues.
Download (link to MP3)
Goodness gracious me…I’m currently in a slight birthday cake coma. It was an Oreo Cookie ice cream cake that the Fat Kid picked out and I had ice cream on Sunday which puts my ice cream intake at a 200% increase compared to my normal ice cream eating habits. No, I’m not a normal person- I don’t really like ice cream that much. I’m also lactose intolerant so that might have something to do with it. I’m also mildly colorblind and I’m allergic to Tylenol and Aspirin. Wait, what? You didn’t come here to read about me? Whatever. I see how it is. Just another female to be used and abused by the predominantly male fan base of that guy you’re actually here to read about. I’m used to it.
On to that guy who talks on the radio every day (I only talk here once a week, why not get to know me a bit- I have boobies…he doesn’t)…Ellis opens up the show talking about how if you’re really not that good you should find something that you’re good at and milk that slot for everything that it’s worth. Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either but, Ellis, like me, is beautiful and in case you didn’t know- beautiful people like us don’t have to make sense. Really he’s talking about how he watched a movie and it was a good movie up until the end, and it probably would have been a better movie if the actor guy who’s that guy from that other movie that Ellis couldn’t stand was better at doing his job. It comes out that the movie was called Oldboy and the actor guy from that other movie (Jonah Hex) is called Josh Brolin and he’s a big deal in Hollywood and he’s probably only really able to get away with being a big deal because he’s handsome. One of the big beef’s that Ellis had with the movie was that the effects weren’t good cause at the end of the movie it was supposed to be twenty years later and Brolin came out looking younger than he did when he went in. That’s not right. Oldboy is also apparently the remake of some other movie which may or may not also be called Oldboy and Tully’s chick and CumTard are big fans of the original. Ellis suggests that someone should make a remake of the remake and make it suck less because if it sucked less it would be fucking amazing.
Speaking of movies and actors and visual affects and whatnot, Mr. Will Pendarvis himself comes into the studio to chime in on the subject because he watches True Detective and that show is the ish, mate. Do people still say that? ‘The ish’? I never really got it, but then again, people may have never said it and that could be one of the many, many lies that I tell on a daily basis that I think it the truth because on top of being sort of colorblind, lactose intolerant, and allergic to the most common painkillers known to man…I’m a bit crazy (but I assure you it’s mostly in that sexy, crazy, freak in the sheets kind of way). Anyway, Will says that True Detective is a great TV show and if they can make Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson look older and younger and fatter and thinner and whacked out on smack for television than they should be able to make that other guy look older for that movie called Oldboy. I mean…Old is even in the title, so you think they’d put in some effort there. Will then says that he thought McConnaughey looked golden and glowing like an Oscar while he was accepting his golden statue whom he probably lovingly calls ‘Ozzie’ and Ellis is no longer the biggest fan of McConnaughey in the room. However, Tully and Ellis call Wills sweet reminisce of McConnaughey (typing that name over and over is doing horribly things to my typing rhythm) being a golden god into question and Will challenges them to cue up some photographic evidence. And, wouldn’t ya know…he kind of does look overly dewy and golden and they must have put a ton of stage makeup on him before he went up to be on stage. Go figure. This all spirals into lots of McConnaughey talk- he’s awesome, he’s at the peak of his career, he’s awesome, he’s the new (albeit old) blood leading man that Hollywood needs right now, he’s awesome, he’s awesome, Surfer Dude, awesome, and really…I don’t want to type his name out again for a while. I do agree with Tully saying that the current Hollywood leading men are getting kind of stale because what more are we really going to see of DiCaprio, Pitt, Cruise, Clooney, etc., that we haven’t seen already? I mean, yeah, they are all great actors and they all have great range…but…none of them are pumping out anything that we haven’t seen before and McConnaughey (goddammit) is pushing the envelope and putting out some of the best stuff of his entire career. Go MM! Going to the phones there’s a caller who suggests Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf, DDD! Keytarist) as the next big thing in Hollywood, cause, why the fuck not, but he didn’t have any evidence or gossip, he was just throwing the name out there in the hopes of Beetleguiceing him into super Hollywood fame-dom. This gets the guys on the subject of Posey and the MTV version of Teen Wolf that he is currently killing it on a week to week basis and how MTV Teen Wolf is super dark and full of drama and murder and very unlike the 80’s Michael J. Fox version. Tully brings up that maybe the original script, the one that we have never got to see obvi, could have been filled with murder, Tenn Wolf dunking heads on the basketball court, raping cheerleaders (yikes, I hope not, I’d rather imagine some freaky/furry consensual sex but that’s just me), and all around carnage throughout the basketball season. It’s not that big of a stretch, motherfucker was a legit werewolf. More TV talk about how tv has gotten sweet and movies are going downhill. Tully postulates that Hollywood movies are looking to make the big budget ‘one size fits all’ filibusters that are going to bring in billions on a worldwide market and part of the price you pay for that is overall quality so far as plot and character development (which is you know, what makes a good movie actually good) whereas TV has all the benefits of the good technology, but is only looking to meet the demand of our country. TV has become a niche market and is getting better and better. I’ll take their word for it, because I really don’t watch television (see…fucking crazy bitch right here). A first time listener named Bob, Welcome Bob, called in to tell Ellis that he is hooked and he will continue listening, and thanks for talking about crazy, rapey, murder Teen Wolf werewolf, and well, then, that got awkward fast, but thanks for listening Bob! There is some talk about Law and Order SVU and basically getting the entire cast to come on the show and then go on to chit chat about some of the shows that Tully watches that Ellis should check out like Broad City and Louie. Oh…and there is some race in a desert happening next weekend. Sorry…Racing really doesn’t do it for me. It’s the Mint 400 or 500 or something and there’s gonna be a Tequila truck and Kenda Perez should be Ellis’ imaginary navigator in the happy place where Ellis is actually participating in the event, so that when they got stranded he could bang her, but make sure she knew that it was her idea so that she couldn’t be mad at him afterward.
Back from the break Dr. Drew Pinsky is joining Ellis and Tully in the studio (yayyyyyyyy!!!! I LOVE Dr. Drew!!!) They start the segment off talking about a recent decision handed down by Massachusetts legal system that a man who was taking ‘upskirt’ photos of women was within his legal rights. Why? Well, because their Peeping Tom laws have a big loophole in the wording and state something along the lines of ‘well, bitches aren’t naked so…’ and Dr. Drew thinks that it is fucking insanity. I agree. Hubbs disagreed. Yeah. I know. I was driving when he said this and I almost swerved off the goddamn road. We got into an argument over it. Full on, half hour debate about it where the words, “This is the first time you have actually ever disgusted me” came out of my mouth (his response, “Really? The first time?”) and I was furious and refused to talk to him about it further. That whole silence thing lasted about two and a half minutes because I HAD to understand his point of view on this. His argument was that he thought it was good that Massachusetts ruled based on the existing law because the judicial system can get out of control handing down punishments based on loose interpretations of the written law. He also thinks upskirt photos are hot. Feeling like I no longer knew the man sitting beside me, I went further into the discussion because I just had to understand. Had to. I mean, I know what this man is going to say before he knows usually, and I felt like this was out of left field. It comes down to, no- no one should have their privacy invaded, no one should have photos taken up their skirt/dress without agreeing to it (he is of the opinion that porn star/wanna be porn star upskirts are hot, which I am perfectly fine with and in agreement with), and yeah, he would murder someone who did something like that to me. Thank fucking gods, because for a second there, I was really freaked the fuck out. As of this afternoon Massachusetts did pass a law which banned the act of taking ‘upskirt’ pictures in Massachusetts where the subject was unaware that they were being the object of someone’s fetish. Back to what happened on the show and not in my life (and I’m still of the opinion that you’re a bit nutty if you don’t wanna know what goes on in my life) Dr. Drew thinks this whole upskirt fiasco is just as insane as this spoiled little bitch who is suing her parents for child support, college support, and ‘I’m an asshole’ support in New Jersey. Nothing more on the subject was talked about because Dr. Drew mentioned how he wanted Ellis to be on the show so bad for the upskirt thing, but he wasn’t going to be on (the hot Attorney that Ellis would like to bone is on instead) and they get side tracked and never come back to the subject.
Instead they start talking about how they are a good gay couple. Haha. Seriously though. That wasn’t actually a joke, it was said by Ellis and Drew and I’m pretty sure everyone was in agreement. It happened because when Ellis asked Drew how he was doing, the good doc answered that he was feeling ‘weirdly emotional’ and Ellis pointed out that he’s always emotional, which is good, but he’s kind of like a woman. Dr. Drew took no offense to this because he thinks that women are more evolved and plain old better versions of people than the male counterpart (girl power, yo), and he thinks that he and Ellis pair up well because Ellis has brutal manliness that balances his girliness out rather nicely. Aw. Yay love! They chitchat about Drew’s show and his podcasts for a bit and Dr. Drew says he wants his show to be successful, but it’s also important for him to have it as a base for getting information out there to help people, because that’s why he got in the game. He’s passionate about things and gets fired up about things and talks over people (on accident) not just because the producers tell him to do so, but because he really fucking cares. And..
…and nothing. My app is fucked. I tried everything. I had a bit of a breakdown. But you made it this far and I’m going to assume that you have been thusly entertained because I’m fucking amazeballs, so I’m choosing now to tell you that although I managed to get the app working again for a while, it shit out again for the last hour of the show as well, so…I don’t know what happened. I’ll be waiting for the on demand/morning replay like the rest of you people out there. I am genuinely upset about it, but the other wonderful writers of this site told me to calm down, play with my boobies, and get some hugs from Hubbs (or something like those things) because it’s okay. Shit happens. And…that’s why I love writing here. Yes, I love the show, yes I love writing, but these guys…they’re solid, wonderful people who I can write a really unnecessarily long email to whining about things and they cyber hug me back into my happy place. Boom. I’m super sad I missed Dr. Drew. I love him. I never watch him on tv or listen to his podcasts (big fan I am, right?) but I’ve read a couple of his books (because I’m a geek and also because my sister was an abnormal psych major and I read every book she did, because I’m a geek) and I fricking loved them.
Back from the break (/broken siriusXM app of doom from hellshitfucker) it’s time to talk about that date that Mr. Kevin Kraft went on with Alexa the Pornstar. Because yes folks, he did bang her, and yeah…he’s going to see her again once she’s back from New York. The story goes that Alexa was on the show with Dilleon Harper and AJ and another pornstar whose name I do not recall and did not catch and Kevin knew her publicist, Laney, and Laney then suggested that Alexa do his podcast. She agreed and she and Kevin hit if off (or at least she didn’t hate him) and bonded over death metal bands and video games and she did the podcast and then still didn’t hate him. So he mentioned that there was a concert that weekend and asked if she was going. She wasn’t but he tried to schmooze some tickets as an inside guy and failed miserably. But, she went and got her own ticket and they went to the show together anyway. Before the show, Alexa had even texted him during the week to come and hang out, but Kevin declined because he’s CumTard and doesn’t party it up during the week because he’s a big boy and has a job to do. Tully and Ellis took offense to this because it’s kind of his job to go out with a pornstar and come in the next morning with a great story about it. Really, he’s not the most organized human being ever, so how bad would staying out too late really fuck his job performance? Anyway…so they went to this concert together and hung out with some of her friends there and the party wound up back at CumTard’s apartment because Alexa invited her friends there because she was too wasted to remember that they were her friends, not his, and he was too wasted to say no to someone who has a cookie. The party was pretty rowdy, CumTard and Alexa wound up getting locked out of his room after they had already been inside of it because her friend came in and starting boning some dude on the floor and Alexa didn’t want to hear her friend making sex noises. Some callers and Will had a problem with that because she’s in porn and shouldn’t she be used to it? But I get it and here is my perspective on that. Yeah, Alexa is in porn and her friend may or may not also be in porn and if she is they quite possibly have been in porn together and heard each other making porn sex noises…but…this wasn’t porn. This was real life, not acting in a porn movie. Those were real sex noises that her friend was making not the ‘laying it on thick’ noises that pornstars make for the sake of porn. Sex, no matter what kind of sex, is an intimate sort of thing and really, the only sex noises I want to hear that aren’t coming out of speakers are my own…I wouldn’t want to hear any of my friend’s sex noises. I mean…I’ve heard some random people’s and even that was kind of awkward. My sex noises are fantastic…but I doubt any of my close girlfriends want to hear me being fucked. I was at my biffle’s house on Saturday and yeah, I showed her my tits and she showed me hers and we talked…but I don’t wanna know what she sounds like when she’s getting pounded. So…anyway…Kevin was drunk, Alexa was drunk, there were people fucking in his room, some guy wound up peeing in a cranberry juice jug and Sunday must have sucked while he was cleaning up the multitudes of used condoms and slippery sex juice doorknobs and jugs of random stranger piss. But…he seemed alright with it. Tully thinks he was taken advantage of. I don’t know. He’s Cumtarded. He didn’t have sex with Alexa that night because by the time they got into bed she wasn’t in the mood, but he did have sex with her the night before, and it was good and she was in control and they had sex in a few different positions. He wore a condom, she didn’t suck his dick, and he said it lasted around ten minutes. I’m assuming they both enjoyed it as they are still talking and have plans to see each other again, so I’m going to say congratulations to CumTard for being the only person to take advantage of the fact that he’s on a big satellite radio show other than Ellis.
What we learned on half of The Jason Ellis Show Today:
Matthew McConnaughey is sweet
J Lo keeps her boys’ moisturized
Woody Harrelson is living a sweet life
On screen couples probably bone at least once in real life, to get it out of the way, but the women are probably weird about it afterward
You need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf
Tully has a hard time keeping his classic movie monsters death methods straight
Jason Mamoa wanted to hang out with Ellis at the Chateau Marmont
Richard Belzer is a sick cunt (and that’s a compliment)
Matthew McConnaughey in Dallas Buyer’s Club made Tom Hanks in Philadelphia look like he had the common cold
You can’t drink through the drunk
Al Bundy having a black belt is old news, but Modern Family doesn’t suck
Dr. Drew thinks Piers Morgan is misunderstood
Bindy Irwin is teaming up with SeaWorld and is a sellout because her mother is an American
Death by snake is the worst death by animal ever
Sex with CumTard is exactly what you’d think it is- Very Awkward
35% of porn broadcast in Canada has to be made in Canada
Don’t punch girls in the face during sex unless you know what you’re doing on a BDSM level and you’re both way into it
The girls who really want anal are the ass whores who bring it up to you
Ellis is officially old because he was too busy to have sex with a pornstar
Hockey all day, Porn all night- Oh, Canada
So, you wanna know who lost the bet?
Here we go again, the moment you’ve all been waiting for – the Magical Mystery Miracle Monday Re-cap! It’s magical because I sprinkled fairy dust on it. It’s a mystery because I have no idea what I’m going to be writing. It’s a miracle because I don’t even know what I’m doing. Contrary to some beliefs, “midget” is not the preferred word you should be working into your vocabulary, it’s “little person” and Dingo agrees so that makes it true. Although you might not want to blindly put your faith in Dingo’s knowledge because he also thinks you could bust out “hashtag midgie” and be in the clear. Dingo texted Ellis while watching moto, he didn’t text Tully though – which is weird because Tully’s big time into moto. Also, he’s a sharp dressed man as of late, with his shirt, shoes, and hair. Anyway, Ken Roczen and Ryan Villopoto crashed at the start of a race and Dingo is way too excited about it. He’s also super excited about Ivan Tedesco being eaten by another rider’s bike. Ellis’ Russian neighbors are getting all “Shit Storm Is Coming” on him & Katie. They parked their shitbox across the driveway, essentially blocking it. Katie tells them they can’t park there and that starts the back-and-forth relations between the US and Russia. Ellis pulls up and notices the landlord (who’s an older gentleman) talking to the Ruskies and then see’s Vlad The Commie Bastard giving the old man the finger. So Ellis was all like “HEY!” and the Red was all like “пошел на хуй!” and then everyone got confused and we started talking about The CCCP people turning other peoples’ car stereos on? You can see how one could get confused with all this, thus creating further tensions in relations between the US and Russia. So… Oscars. Yeah. But no. You know the rules, I don’t write about that shit. I will tell you this though, there was a bet and the loser will have to cross-dress and take 5 selfies with strangers. So who’s the lucky guy that gets to be the fairest of them all? Break time!
You’re reneging on the bet?
Saturday, book signing, at a book store, not going to Trampoline World, going to another place, but you won’t know where unless you go to the book signing. More Oscars bullshit. Tully had a hot black chick with a shaved head smile really big at him at a bus stop. He turned away, looked back again – she’s still got a huge smile for him. He turns, looks back again, still all teeth. He turns again, she’s still smiling. Hot chick at a bus stop smiling maniacally. rules state that she’s bat shit crazy and you should walk away. Oh. Yeah. So you wanted to know who has to wear that dress, right? It’s Jetta. And Jetta is drawing the line at buying his own dress, mainly because he has such a hard time finding a dress that’s fun and exciting, but not too slutty. This led to a road we’ve all heard nearly every person on the show go down. The old, “I’m broke & don’t have enough time to go do this stuff” boulevard of broken dreams, because you know. They’re super busy in life, totally unlike the rest of the world. Turns out, he must have the world’s cutest puppy eyes because he’s been absolved from the bet and no longer has to go through with it. Hey, remember how they talked about using Skype on the show on Friday? Well today, they tried it out and it actually worked out pretty well, I assume because Sirius XM had no involvement in making it happen. HEYOH! Anyway, the Skype thing could really open some new possibilities for the show and fans alike. Break time!
Having fun in those strip clubs that don’t allow nudity?
Dingo has restless leg syndrome, or maybe he’s just hopped up on those energy drinks. Ellis is going to be Dr. Drew again tonight and he’s going on the Kevin & Bean show at some point during the week. It sounds like strip clubs in California suck ass, how is it a strip club if there are no bare titties? It’s weird, Florida strip clubs look like shit too, at least compared to St. Louis, where there are no tops, no bottoms, and the chick is going to be full on nude by the 3rd song. This brings up some ass talk, Tully’s not into big asses, Ellis is, but that’s no real surprise – black chicks are one of his weaknesses. More Skype calls, some chick was ready to get all blow jobby on the call, but that had to get shut down before word got back to NYC, which has Will’s nuts in jar. Will also tricked some poor unsuspecting female into Skyping with him. Poor girl will probably never be heard from again. Dingo says he’s never done any weird jerkoff sessions, which of course makes him a god damned liar and a likely candidate for super weird jerkoff sessions. This prompted some calls about dudes jerking off while in the driver’s seat, jerking off in a principal’s office, jerking off in a submarine, and other similar jerking off stories. We also got a clit story in there as well, because it’s unfair to others if the show is too dick-centric. Tully asked well known history buffs, Ellis and Dingo, a few questions about what happened on this day in history – such as when we bombed the “Hochi Man Trail” as a “fuck you, we’re outta here” to Vietnam. Or Helen Keller, the girl whose father famously invented the bra while she was busy murdering Polish people in Amsterdam. Or The National Anthem, which contrary to what they teach in schools, was written before Jimi Hendrix. This led us into final calls, which was pretty short actually. And that, my friends, ends this recap. And maybe your life. OH!
Has it been a week already? Yeah. It has. Deal with it- I’m back :)
And speaking of ladies…Ellis opens up the show with some applause and he welcomes the gentlemen and ladies out there listening to The Jason Ellis Show. Especially the ladies, because he knows that there are some ladies listening, even if some of those ladies are listening to purposefully make themselves angry and pissed off and get them all bent out of shape for nothing and…do ladies really do shit like that? Yeah, probably, it wouldn’t surprise me. I mean, there are always those people who are more ‘happy’ when they are miserable…but…it makes me shake my head at the human race, on behalf of…the rest of the human race. Speaking of ladies again…Tully has some thoughts on fat chicks. Apparently Tully off-hand noticed what seems to be a regular maneuver for some of the heavier set ladies, and upon noticing and then purposefully looking for it he has concluded that overweight ladies tend to pull the backs of their shirts down subconsciously (probably) throughout the day (but especially when getting off of the elevator) because (he thinks) that they are self conscious about their appearance because they are aware that they are overweight and that makes him sad for them because no one wants to walk around feeling self conscious all of the time. Will comes in to the studio to weigh in on this issue because he is a fat lady and he confirms Tully’s suspicious. He says that the back of the shirt pull is a move that overweight people do to in order to make sure that their fat rolls aren’t hanging out and offending people. I’m going to interject my opinion here, so, warning- I know for a fact that I pull the back of my shirt down on the reg throughout the day. I actually have a combo move where I pull down the back of my shirt and hike up my pants by the belt loops. I am not an overweight lady (in case you were wondering). So why do I do it? I do it because I am a lady shaped lady and I have thighs of thunder and when I walk they pull my pants down (double this if I’m wearing knee socks because it makes it worse). I don’t wear a belt because I think belts suck, I don’t have fat rolls that hang out, but I am aware that my pants are slightly being tugged out of position and I want to put them back where they belong, and then I have to tug my shirt down because my feathers are all ruffled from fixing my pants.
But anyway…Will pulls the back of his shirt down because he’s overweight and he doesn’t want to offend the public with his fleshy Wilson rolls. Ellis says that he understands because when he’s ‘fat’ he wears big hoodies and hides in them, or he wears a tight t-shirt and a jacket, because that’s how Benji Madden taught him how to dress when he’s fat, because Benji was a fat kid and was good at dressing himself so that he didn’t appear as heavy as he was. The trick? Wearing a fitting t-shirt and a jacket. You should always wear clothes that fit you if you want to look your best. Will asks Ellis how he should dress to hide his fat and Ellis tells him to just keep on keepin on because he hides his fat well. Good job, Wilson, you don’t look like a big bag of shit. *claps* This then turns into a conversation about being healthy, eating healthy, and looking your best, or not. Tully asks Will what he eats on a daily basis and Will doesn’t want to talk about it at first because it’s terrible. He only eats two meals a day (which blows Ellis’s mind) and he usually chows down on a PB&J during the day at some point and for dinner has some sort of chicken and pasta. Ellis really can’t believe that Will only eats two meals a day because he would die and he usually eats two times in the four hours that he’s at the studio. Will says it’s because he doesn’t have the time and then proceeds to ask Ellis for some tips to improve his diet so he can eat more and eat healthier. But there is a caveat, that being, that he wants tips that involve absolutely no cooking (because Will just may be a hobo, or he just can’t cook). Ellis outlines that he should eat some sort of breakfast like Starbucks Oatmeal without the brown sugar and to put protein powder in it or one of the fruit plates with the hardboiled egg (but don’t eat the bits of processed Turkey because…processed turkey), for lunch he can have fish tacos with avocado because that feels like cheating when it isn’t, and dinner…everyone has time to cook dinner, right? They kind of get into an argument about people having time in their lives for cooking and Ellis keeps telling Will to do it the night before or in the morning, but Will basically works from 6 in the morning until 10 at night. Tully invites Will over for a Taco dinner with him and his wife tonight because Will can’t remember the last time he had a home cooked meal and home cooked meals are like Oxygen for Tully. He neeeeeeeds them. They talk about how if you eat out a lot you can’t make the excuse that shopping at Whole Foods is too expensive, because you’ll actually probably wind up saving money unless you buy 27 dollar Whole Foods steaks (that aren’t that great). And it’s better for you. They take calls and people talk about their weight loss methods, changing their lives, and losing weight and Shantanee gets a shout out from a caller because she looks damn fine. I can’t stop looking at her either. That face!!!! I dunno…this healthy eating talk bums me out a bit because I used to eat pretty healthy, cook at home a lot and all that rot, but now Hubbs and I are both out of the house from seven in the morning until like eight or nine at night and it’s hard to fit in cooking and eating. We suck. We eat like once a day (at night) and subsist on fluids throughout the day. It’s why I never feel bad about my one a day 20 ounce Pepsi habit…I totes have room for the calories after a day filled with nothing but water, Vitamin Water Zero and a low cal Monster Energy drink. It’s also prolly why I don’t feel super on point right now…It’s a quarter after ten and that’s all I’ve consumed. If you wanna know about eating healthy check out The Dolce Diet books, that’s the first thing I’m doing when I go back to having a normal job!
Ellis is going to be on Tom Green’s TV show tonight, which is pretty cool, be he straight up got told no by the dumb people over at Chelsea Handler’s show, which is shitty, because what the Hell did Ellis do that deserved a no? Some people who have never watched her show would tune in just to see Ellis on (like me and Hubbs, for instance) and maybe those people would like it enough to tune in more regularly. Whatever. Maybe Ellis is just too awesome. Tom Green got a car off Craigslist and it’s a 1979 Z-28, which Hubbs says is a Camero and I’ll take his word for it because I know cars come in pretty and ugly shapes and colors and that’s about it. Tom Green’s car is a piece of shit and has already broken down on the highway, which he is pumped about for whatever crazy Canadian reason his brain came up with, but he has taken a picture of The Awesome Guide to Life in that car, so it’s a solid win overall. Tom Green’s TV show is on tonight with Ellis at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific (do the math for the in-between) and I’m sure Ellis was awesome and will confirm that with my DVR after I am finished writing this.
Tully has been listening to the replays in the morning lately and he thinks that they are doing a great fucking job. They are the Seinfeld of Radio, they have a show about nothing, and it is the best show about nothing that there is. Boom. Tully has mentioned a few times now that he’s been listening to the show in the morning and Ellis said yesterday (I think) that it’s funny how Tully started listening to it once he stopped. But, this morning as Ellis took young Tiggie to school he checked to see if the replay was still on and he listened to it for 15 minutes, and he agrees with Tully- they are doing a great job. They have a great show about nothing and he can say that it’s the best show that is on the air right now, because he’s given a lot of different shows a fair go of listening and there is just no contest. He may not have said that there is no contest, exactly, but that’s what I wrote down. Tully really thinks that 2014 has been a stellar year for The Jason Ellis Show so far (I agree, for what it’s worth) and he feels a real responsibility to the listeners because this show makes a lot of people’s days better, and he wants to make sure that he does his job well so that happens more often.
Ellis starts talking about being a personal trainer and having his own shark, tiger, wolf dojo after a caller who’s a personal trainer calls in the show and it would be a confusing dojo with orgies where Ellis walks around in karate pajamas that have a dick hole cut out of them. Tully brings up something about an Olympic Mexican and orgies and…I kind of missed it to be honest…but do you need more info than that? I mean, let your imagination fill in the gap for about three minutes. Let your mind fill with the vision of a Mexian Olympian from back in the day and the orgies that he stopped going to because he went to them enough to finally be bored of them. Don’t you want that in your life? To have orgies happening around you so often that you just start saying no to them because, been there, done that? This somehow gets Ellis talking about American Idol and how he only really likes the initial audition part of the show and J Lo is super hot. The J Lo thing was my segue to talking about Tully talking about Marc Anthony, who is her ex, and how his other ex wife is trying to sue him for more child support money. His first wife is a former Miss Universe and she currently gets 18 thousand dollars a month in child support from him and wants it upped to 113 thousand dollars. Seriously, bitch? Seriously!!!!! What the fuck does your kid need 113 thousand fucking dollars a month for? The even more ridiculous part of this story…is that Marc Anthony can afford it because motherfucker rakes in 1.25 million dollars a month. A month. That’s 15 million bucks a year. I still think Miss Universe is out of her fucking mind. I mean, Marc Anthony’s not a shit guy, either, he gave J Lo a 4 million dollar ring when the divorce went through- he romanced her pants off during a divorce. You know she was signing the divorce papers with one hand and jerking him off with the other. You also should know that’s not my joke, that was either Tully or Ellis, you know, one of the guys who gets paid to be awesome and funny for a living.
Back from the first break, Tully brings up that Ellis has been an instagramming fool lately? Why? Because he’s posting pictures sent to him by fans of them doing cool shit with their copies of ‘The Awesome Guide to Life’ and sending the people with the best pictures some care packages. So, if you’re reading this, tweet or DM or instagram your pics and hopefully he’ll share it on his social media, think that you are the best, and send you some free shit!!!!! Get on it!!! You don’t need me to tell you his handles, you already know them!!!! Also, if you are one of the people making a fuss over guns or grenades or whatever…please shut up. No one cares. You may care, and the person wasting their time fighting with you may care, but…shut up. You aren’t going to get anything accomplished. Tully says that he’s over the debates and just doesn’t get involved because it’s pointless. It is pointless. Comments make people unafraid of being loud and stupid. It’s the curse of the internet. Ellis agrees, because the King and Queen are always on the same page lately, and adds that, for the record, he doesn’t think the guy with a grenade on his table is a bad guy. They get to talking about some gun rights/laws and such, and Ellis thinks that hunting if you’re hunting for food is cool, but he doesn’t live a life that’s greatly impacted by whether or not he can use a gun so he really doesn’t care all that much. For Tully it comes to: guns for hunting are cool, guns for killing people are terrible, and he’s not allowed to have an opinion because he didn’t grow up around guns, so, whatever.
Time for some MMA Breaking News! Dana White and the UFC have announced that there will be no more fighters on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Ellis says that this is going to be bad news for some of the older guys in the UFC game because it’s basically the only reason that they still are in the game, but he’s not really against the decision to do it (and neither is Tully) because those guys are past their prime anyway. However, it’s gonna suck big time for Vitor Belfort who has admitted that he is on TRT and he’s supposed to be fighting Chris Weidman for the middleweight belt and you can’t get off TRT once you’re on it. Is there even a way to test to see if someone is using TRT as opposed to having naturally high testosterone levels? Tully tells Ellis that testosterone occurs in everyone at different levels naturally, so unless there’s a way to specifically test for TRT they would have to set a really really high threshold for how much testosterone is considered ‘fishy’, but a caller does call in a few minutes later to say that it can be tested for and is able to be differentiated between TRT and naturally occurring testosterone. Bad news for UFC fighters who are on TRT, this could be a game changer. Ellis says that maybe they should start a new sport for guys who are on steroids and TRT where he and Tully were the announcers because that shit would be out of control. People’d be dying left and right, they could have a Super Heavyweight Class, a Brontosaurus class, and people could knock each other’s brains out. Tully is all for it, after all- it isn’t going to create more roiders…it’s just going to give the ones that already exist a place to go. In other MMA news, GSP says that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Ellis says that he should probably just start shutting the fuck up because he seems to be complaining a lot lately. Ellis then talks about watching Ultimate Fighter: Canada vs Australia last night and how the Canadians were kicking the Aussie’s asses, and it wasn’t fun for him to watch. He also thinks that Canadians have the advantage with sports that start in the United States because the US is just a couple hours away in the car and they get to know about the stuff faster and can get down here a lot easier.
It’s Acadamy Award time and Betsey suggested to the show that the guys bet on who is going to win in the important categories. What does the loser have to do? They have to dress up as a woman and solicit pictures (5 to be exact) with strangers while in drag. Ellis really doesn’t want to have to do that (but I think he’d make a pretty lady lmao) but he’s going to make the wager anyway because he’s a good sport. The categories they are betting on are Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director. Now…remember that order because here is who the guys picked for each of those:
Tully: Gravity, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and ‘Gravity Guy’ Director
Ellis: Dallas Buyers Club, Matthey McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and Gravity Director
Jetta: Her, Matthew McConaughey, Cate Blanchett, Jonah Hill, Jennifer Lawrence, and Steve McQueen
CumTard: Wolf of Wall Street, Matthew McConaughey, Judy Dench, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and O’Russell.
Now…with they way they went, and with me having seen absolutely none of the nominated films…it seems to me like Jetta is screwed. I mean…Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard’s picks were all pretty much the same, and Jetta went in the opposite direction, so he’s kind of fucked unless there is some sort of upset at the Acadamy Awards. But…maybe that’s a good thing because he’d make the most convincing female, in my humble opinion.
Back from the break they are watching a video where there is a preacher farting a lot and I had gone to pee and that is the exact thing Hubbs said when I asked him what I missed, so this really run-on sentence part of the recap is brought to you by Hubbs. After the farting preacher, Tully tells Ellis that in Harlem, NY there is a super homophobic Church sign which is blaming Obama for releasing the ‘gay demon’ and telling black women to watch out or they’ll lose their men to white gay men. It’s super offensive, but also really funny and Ellis says that of course the gay apocalypse would be started by the white man. But don’t worry, what happens in gay zombieland- stays in gay zombieland. Ellis is going to make a shirt that says that, and I will totally wear it. Jetta, CumTard, and Hardcore the Intern have been working on finally putting together the Sting Pong table but they had to stop before finishing because they have to bang some things into place and cant do that while other shows are on the air. Ellis tells them to ‘Shawshank it’ and make other noise to cancel it out. They do this on the air and it literally sounds like a bunch of animals going batshit crazy at the zoo. Wilson tries to poop on their noisy party, but he isn’t successful, and they Shawshank it twice before Ellis says they should cool it and do it again in a little bit.
They play a game which was thought up by @Mike_in_Canada and it’s called Sex, Sports, or Animal and involves them listening to short audio clips where some sort of something (either sex, sports, or animals) are making noise and they have to guess which is which and then they watch the corresponding video clip for ‘the reveal’. There is no way for me to recap this, but it was a hella funny segment. Hubbs and I played along and Hubbs was really good at it. I sucked really bad and I think I guessed ‘sports’ for almost everything that I heard because I thought everything sounded like tennis or ping pong. They had a caller playing around with them in each round, and the callers actually didn’t do so bad, and the ones who guessed correctly got sent to the prize chamber and might never be seen again. A lot of the sounds that turned out to be sex involved tranny’s, so apparently CumTard spends a lot of his time watching Tranny porn, which is odd considering he is super against things going in his butt. They did a bonus round which, to me, sounded like a really long submission to Unsigned Farts, and made me want to vomit because my mind also went to the most disgusting form of porn that probably doesn’t exist involving people having explosive diarrhea and sex at the same time. Turns out it was a video of a chick with a seriously blown out hole getting ass fucked and then blowing the load out of her gaping ass. They watched/listened to that bit for wayyyyyy longer than necessary and Ellis said it was the nastiest ass that he had ever seen.
Rounding out the show we are reminded that Ellis is/was on Tom Green’s show on the AXS network tonight (and I’m still sure he was awesome) and you should/did watch that at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific time. Tully asks Ellis about the upcoming book signing and suggests that Ellis get that RSVP online invite thing out by tomorrow so that people have a week to respond, and Ellis says he’s going to talk to people at Trampoline World about reserving space and how he’ll bring shit in his truck to give away to people. They do Women, Am I right where we get to hear about a grown ass woman who wants to change her name to Sexy from Sheila, a woman who tried to poison her husband by putting poison in her own vagina, a woman who tried to kill her hospitalized husband by putting fecal matter into his IV, a woman who faked her own kidnapping and launched a gigantic manhunt for herself after calling the police to get out of a date, and a woman who called the cops to try and get banged by a cop and then called the cops again when the cop wouldn’t bang her. I am ashamed on behalf of my sex, but this reminds me of the conversation I had yesterday with Hubbs about how I’m not a girly girl, so at least there’s that. Maybe I have a guy mind or something. I don’t know. I don’t know why woman do these stupid, stupid things…and…ugh. Just ugh.
Things we learned on the show today:
Ellis is the ugly nose in the middle of your beautiful face
Tully thinks Will is very fuckable
Ellis gets his meals made for him by Katie
Will can’t fry an egg
28% of adult Americans don’t know how to cook
Vitor Belfort needs to get a spoon sponsor immediately
Devin wants a pet chicken and it’s all Katie’s fault
Chickens are loud, annoying, hideous beasts
Ellis wants a 4ft tall rooster with Thug Life tattooed across its chest
Thanks for having the most ridiculous English speaking accent ever, GSP
Tully hates award shows
CumTard thinks Cate Blanchett has a fart mouth
Christian hates Jared Leto
2014 is clearly the year of Squib
Ellis absolutely hated Gravity
Hardcore is honest about the nothing he does at the Studio
Tully is going to miss Hardcore once he’s gone
Spain is making sausage out of baby poop
Sex, Animals, and Sports sound too similar for comfort
If you give someone a kidney, you don’t own them for life
Don’t die caller trying to do the recap should never have tried to do the recap
Tully got crazy on liquid vicodin back in the day when he had the flu because he didn’t know what hydrochodone was
Tame that na-na
The pee-pee fairy is real!
So there I was… listening intently to my favorite show when suddenly it dawned on me. “Hey! It’s Monday and I’m supposed to be writing a re-cap!” Cool story, huh? Yeah. Well don’t worry. I’m here! So first things first, the show is from that place where a lot of bimbos are kept, lots tan people (aka Mexicans) are running around, and everyone wears goofy sunglasses that way too large for their heads. Ellis is doing his best to fight the pee-pee fairy, you know – it lives in your underwear and steals the last drop of piss from your wiener. Tully just lives in denial to the pee-pee fairy because he wears really dark underwear, therefore never seeing the tell-tail signs of the pee-pee fairy or his skidmarks. Ellis saw his ex-wife cry in front of Katie. Tiger was getting weirded out about this half black, half white kid chasing him at Sky Zone or whatever trampoline world place they were at to celebrate his birthday. Ellis was busy blowing up balloons and making “blow me” jokes when he saw Devin, mommy, & grandma b-line it to the bathroom. Turns out there was some weird family issue with the aunt and it got pretty uncomfortable and a little tense. Ahhh, family. We’ve all got one. Well most of us do, unless your family is dead or didn’t want you as a child and left you by a trash can at a Walmart. What? Did I say something wrong? Break time!
Ready for training?
And we’re back! Joey Diaz is in studio and we’re talking about the smartest kid ever, who sold Girl Scout cookies outside of a weed dispensary. Joey thinks Ellis looks like the ultimate road warrior, this lead to Joey telling the story of how he knew the key grip or something from the Mad Max movies, which led into Dances With Wolves and failing eye sight as you age. What? You can’t see the connection? Joey recently quit smoking weed, now he just vaporizes it. A lot of it. If you’re familiar with him, you know he’s been a heavy weed smoker for a long time. No, I mean a heavy into weed. Like he out baked Doug Benson heavy. This is him trying to bring his lungs back into shape so he can really start seeing the benefits of jiu-jitsu. We got to hear about how CoCo used to carry around a machine gun and acquired a trunk load of cocaine and how he went to prison. Again, if you’re familiar with Diaz, he’s got more stories than Stephen King and almost all of them are pretty crazy. He kidnapped a dude in 1988, bumped into the dude again in ’94 and tried to apologize but as one might expect, it was accepted. He tried to friend the guy on Facebook, the guy wouldn’t accept his friend request and then a quarter of a century later, the guy calls up Joey on his podcast and finally accepted his apology. See? He’s got some pretty gnarly stories. He talked about the recently deceased Harold Ramis and how he got to have a short part in one of his movies and picked his comedy brain for a couple days. Basically, I could write on for days and days about all the entertaining stories and life this guy has lived, but I just don’t have that kind of time. Fuck, I think the Internet might even run out of 1’s and 0’s if I typed all that shit. So if you want more Joey, catch him on his podcast, catch him on The Joe Rogan Experience, catch him in movies, catch him on Twitter, Facebook, you can catch this guy in a lot of place – just Google him. Break time!
When shit gets outta hand, Bourne-Tard is ready to keep people in line.
And we’re back! Aussie News time with the suicidal reproduction of mouse like marsupials who fuck themselves to death. Time to start paying the price for the bets that were made on the UFC fights this past weekend. To revisit, Tully bet if Rousey lost, he’d drink his own pee, if McMann lost, Cumtard would have to drink his own pee. Rousey won – even though people think the fight was stopped too soon – so that’s sippin’ on some pizzurp time for Kevikins. Cumtard also lost his bet with Ellis since Cummins lost, so now Cumtard will eat normal shit for 45 minutes and then eat a vomit inducing onion. In other MMA News, Cyborg really wants to take out Rousey but feels like Rousey and Dana White are doing all they can to avoid that fight, which isn’t surprising to hear come from Cyborg. A lot of people would like to see that fight happen, but the odds are probably pretty slim that it ever will. Let’s face it, Cyborg isn’t the most well liked fighter, lots of claims of her roid use, she doesn’t want to fight at the champion’s weight, and many people think she’s never fought anyone as good as Rousey. In who gives a shit news, Hulk Hogan is coming back to the WWE, brother. Moto News with Mike Alessie’s incident with Broc Tickle, where Alessie straight up took out Tickle. That bullshit earned him a fine of $4,000 from the AMA and a bunch of hate from fans, riders, and pretty much everyone except his daddy. Break time!
Remember how much Jason Bourne couldn’t handle even smelling onions?
And we’re back! This time with Cowfucker News. Old, inside show joke? Nope. There actually was news about a cow fucking duo busted by a farmer. Now, piss drinking time – allegedly. And there we go. Ok, that was a bit anti-climatic, right? Well it should come as no surprise that this isn’t the first time Tard-Tard has been sippin’ on some pizzurp. So, the only way to remedy this is to put the shock collar on him and make him start eating the onion. Houston, we have vomit. Before he could even get a mouthful in, he started gagging and spitting. The best way I can describe the sound of what happened during the bit is to have you imagine a mentally challenged person fucking the tracheotomy hole of another person, in an insane asylum, while two Japanese chicks barf into bowls who then trade bowls, and begin to consume each other’s vomit, causing them to vomit the other person’s vomit back up, but they vomit the vomit into the tracheotomy hole while the mentally challenged person continue to fuck it. Did you cum yet? Wilson’s super happy about all this because he’s in the middle of trying to hire a new employee while all this is going on, which you just know makes the person looking for a job there, super excited about their potential future career there. And now I just have one final story for you before putting a ribbon on this bitch and calling it my gift to you.
Anyone? Yes? No? Just me?
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure – I think maybe she choked.” Get it? Because he put his dick in her mouth. Instead of giving her oral sex. Get it? OH! (pee on you)