Here we go again, the moment you’ve all been waiting for – the Magical Mystery Miracle Monday Re-cap! It’s magical because I sprinkled fairy dust on it. It’s a mystery because I have no idea what I’m going to be writing. It’s a miracle because I don’t even know what I’m doing. Contrary to some beliefs, “midget” is not the preferred word you should be working into your vocabulary, it’s “little person” and Dingo agrees so that makes it true. Although you might not want to blindly put your faith in Dingo’s knowledge because he also thinks you could bust out “hashtag midgie” and be in the clear. Dingo texted Ellis while watching moto, he didn’t text Tully though – which is weird because Tully’s big time into moto. Also, he’s a sharp dressed man as of late, with his shirt, shoes, and hair. Anyway, Ken Roczen and Ryan Villopoto crashed at the start of a race and Dingo is way too excited about it. He’s also super excited about Ivan Tedesco being eaten by another rider’s bike. Ellis’ Russian neighbors are getting all “Shit Storm Is Coming” on him & Katie. They parked their shitbox across the driveway, essentially blocking it. Katie tells them they can’t park there and that starts the back-and-forth relations between the US and Russia. Ellis pulls up and notices the landlord (who’s an older gentleman) talking to the Ruskies and then see’s Vlad The Commie Bastard giving the old man the finger. So Ellis was all like “HEY!” and the Red was all like “пошел на хуй!” and then everyone got confused and we started talking about The CCCP people turning other peoples’ car stereos on? You can see how one could get confused with all this, thus creating further tensions in relations between the US and Russia. So… Oscars. Yeah. But no. You know the rules, I don’t write about that shit. I will tell you this though, there was a bet and the loser will have to cross-dress and take 5 selfies with strangers. So who’s the lucky guy that gets to be the fairest of them all? Break time!
Saturday, book signing, at a book store, not going to Trampoline World, going to another place, but you won’t know where unless you go to the book signing. More Oscars bullshit. Tully had a hot black chick with a shaved head smile really big at him at a bus stop. He turned away, looked back again – she’s still got a huge smile for him. He turns, looks back again, still all teeth. He turns again, she’s still smiling. Hot chick at a bus stop smiling maniacally. rules state that she’s bat shit crazy and you should walk away. Oh. Yeah. So you wanted to know who has to wear that dress, right? It’s Jetta. And Jetta is drawing the line at buying his own dress, mainly because he has such a hard time finding a dress that’s fun and exciting, but not too slutty. This led to a road we’ve all heard nearly every person on the show go down. The old, “I’m broke & don’t have enough time to go do this stuff” boulevard of broken dreams, because you know. They’re super busy in life, totally unlike the rest of the world. Turns out, he must have the world’s cutest puppy eyes because he’s been absolved from the bet and no longer has to go through with it. Hey, remember how they talked about using Skype on the show on Friday? Well today, they tried it out and it actually worked out pretty well, I assume because Sirius XM had no involvement in making it happen. HEYOH! Anyway, the Skype thing could really open some new possibilities for the show and fans alike. Break time!
Dingo has restless leg syndrome, or maybe he’s just hopped up on those energy drinks. Ellis is going to be Dr. Drew again tonight and he’s going on the Kevin & Bean show at some point during the week. It sounds like strip clubs in California suck ass, how is it a strip club if there are no bare titties? It’s weird, Florida strip clubs look like shit too, at least compared to St. Louis, where there are no tops, no bottoms, and the chick is going to be full on nude by the 3rd song. This brings up some ass talk, Tully’s not into big asses, Ellis is, but that’s no real surprise – black chicks are one of his weaknesses. More Skype calls, some chick was ready to get all blow jobby on the call, but that had to get shut down before word got back to NYC, which has Will’s nuts in jar. Will also tricked some poor unsuspecting female into Skyping with him. Poor girl will probably never be heard from again. Dingo says he’s never done any weird jerkoff sessions, which of course makes him a god damned liar and a likely candidate for super weird jerkoff sessions. This prompted some calls about dudes jerking off while in the driver’s seat, jerking off in a principal’s office, jerking off in a submarine, and other similar jerking off stories. We also got a clit story in there as well, because it’s unfair to others if the show is too dick-centric. Tully asked well known history buffs, Ellis and Dingo, a few questions about what happened on this day in history – such as when we bombed the “Hochi Man Trail” as a “fuck you, we’re outta here” to Vietnam. Or Helen Keller, the girl whose father famously invented the bra while she was busy murdering Polish people in Amsterdam. Or The National Anthem, which contrary to what they teach in schools, was written before Jimi Hendrix. This led us into final calls, which was pretty short actually. And that, my friends, ends this recap. And maybe your life. OH!