Tag Archives: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Show Re-cap for Friday 5/2/2014

Posted on by
Reply

Welcome to the Friday recap. Here at the Friday recap we only have two rules, talk about the recap, and don’t stab Ellis. He’s on blood thinners for his ticker and if he dies this recap will be really boring. Katie has a job now and Ellis fending for himself like a big boy, cooking cleaning, and even making the bed. He doesn’t like making the bed though because he’s just gonna mess it up later. I told that same thing to my dad once and he said, “then why do you wipe your ass after you take a shit? You’re just gonna shit again later?” And that 04was the last time I ever wiped my ass, thanks dad. They talked about making toys out of junk and shit. Old school shoe box rockets, cardboard box castles, sticks with barbed wire wrapped around the end. Being a poor kid was awesome! The Vikings finale was also talked about and I don’t give a crap about spoilers so for those that missed it here is a summary of what happened:

Ragnar’s mom married this other dude and Ragnar hated his new stepbrother. They fought all the time until one day Ragnar’s step brother punched his dickhead real brother and they realized that they both have a common enemy and then joined forces and kicked everybody’s ass and started Prestige Worldwide.

Tully has finally been watching a bunch of old Arnold movies like Predator and Total Recal. But he hasn’t watched the pinnacle of the Schwarzenegger movie empire, Kindergarten 600full-kindergarten-cop-posterCop. Ellis talked about getting a Harley just to cruise and relax with style. This brought up the topic of style and how some style never dies, like wearing yellow undies and a bandanna with a bitchin handlebar mustache. Nobody questions your style when you’re ripping open your shirt and calling everybody brother!
Oh and Kevin still has diarrhea, cha cha cha.

Mickey Easterling was an old broad that died in New Orleans. But she wasn’t just buried in the ground, at her wake she was propped up on a bench, wore a party gown with a feather boa, a cigarette in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other. Even dead this lady is still more awesome than you. 2 Nonenal is the shit that comes out of old people skin that gives them the smell of death. But luckily now there is a Japanese soap that gets rid of it. Nursing home workers are stoked! Then they did more Wolfknife names. Go to OfficialJasonEllis.com and sign up. And remember, with every 100 packages you buy you get a free one year subscription to NoYouAre.

2012_08_1920x1080_wolfknives_01-1024x576

Canadian News EH! There’s a dead whale in Newfoundland and it’s the most famous thing in Canada since Beiber or Bob and Doug and the locals are fighting with Canadian Feds on who gets to keep it. Remember when you were in that garage band and you guys thought you were awesome and were gonna get tons of trim with your sweet licks? Well this is how you really sounded. Hell, some of you might actually be on this list of the 12 most horrific songs.


Ben Aflak has been banned from the Hard Rock Casino for being a total douche and a shitty actor. Plus they said he was counting cards. A woman hit a bicyclist and bitched about the damage, an Arizona, ummm woman? was arrested for beastiality for trying to fuck a horse, some rich dude bought his way into a race and totally trashed a Ferrari, and yer mum is still a ditch pig. That’s a wrap bitches, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/12/2013

Posted on by
Reply
bad_hitler

And that’s how the war started.

PFFSSHHHHH. It’s Monday, who cares. Ellis says it ain’t easy being cute if you don’t have fur, and skin is gross. World War Z has somehow become the highest grossing movie of Brad Pitt’s career and that leaves everyone confused because how the fuck is that possible? There’s so few quality movies being made in Hollywood that young and upcoming actors and writers are all like, “Big whoop, wanna fight about it?” I missed about 20 minutes and came back to baby Wolf Wipes, manly wipes for your manly ass. This spawned some conversation about other possible Wolf products, such as Wolf Moisturizer. 2 Chainz is gonna go broke because he’s not a savvy money saver. Remember that fish that thrives in Peru and loves to eat testicles? Now the fuckers are in a like in Illinois and a lake in Denmark. These motherfuckers have passports and travel, people! Watch your balls! After watching The Last Stand, Tully thinks Arnold Schwarzenegger has grown to be a better actor, but doesn’t get how he drove like 1,300 miles without ever stopping for a tank of gas. Ellis sold his jet ski, it’s going to a better home because Ellis has been neglecting it and it’s starting to show signs of depression and rebellion.

ellis_pendarvis_bouncy_house

It takes time, but one by one, all your children’s accomplishments with be destroyed.

Ellis went hard in the kiddie pool over the weekend and he his now known as the fart monster. This is because he went to sit down in the water, had a pocket of air trapped in his shorts and bubbles came out. That’s when his ruthless children teased and tormented him as the fart monster. Tully’s kid had himself a little play date with his little screaming friend and he had to supervise all that shit. What’s the common thread between the two stories here? White people and how much they suck. Do families still go on vacation together and everyone wears matching shit like the Griswold’s? Yup. They sure do! Ellis caught some dad checking Katie out at the water park while his kid was drowning and Ellis had to tell the guy, “hey, you’re kid is drowning, dude” causing the guy to go back into dad mode for a minute. Hope he has good spank bank memory, too bad it’ll be forever stored right next to the image of his kid almost drowning. Lil Miss Ellis sent in a few Instagrams of him singing to Death! Death! Die! and a Michael Tully song for his chance to win an opportunity to sing with the band at EllisMania 9. Here’s him doing Awesome World, Load, and Will A Blank (from Retrofit). WolfknifeScottStapp sent in his video as well. So did DustyGrant57, singing U Can Go Fuck Urself. I think there was another one or two but I can’t find them.

nicklebean

Nicklebean is Googled far less than Nickleback

A couple in Tennessee are the latest in stupid parents that shouldn’t be parents. They couldn’t decide on a last name for their newborn son “Messiah”, and asked a judge, who told them to pick a different first name. This brought up all the other stupid names parents have tried naming their children, and there is no shortage of horrible names, you hear me Nicholas? According Tully, there was a time where he wouldn’t answer to anything but “Little Lenny” and then of course there’s Josh who wouldn’t answer to anything but the sound of coins being dropped in his piggy bank. HEYOH! (haha love ya buddy) Elon Musk, the guy behind Tesla Motors has unveiled his designs for the Hyperloop, a superfast transport system based on pressure tubes and levitating cars. Next up was a game to find out which search terms return more Google results. There were a few surprises, but for the most part the results were mostly what you’d expect. And in the 800 pound, crazy monkey in the room news, Uncle Mayhem has been arrested again for domestic violence.

i_want_some_of_that

Mayhem, please get off the drugs. You don’t want any of that shit.

Antonio Banderas and Mel Gibson have been confirmed in the line-up for The Expendables 3, joining Ronda Rousey, Harrison Ford, and a shitload more. There’s a new residential skyscraper in Spain that’s supposed to symbolize the economic turn-around in Spain or some shit like that, but the architects forgot to put elevators in it and have since resigned. Mexicans, am I right? HEYOH!  (haha Love ya Spaniards and Mexicans) And now, kiddies, it’s story time! One time, my best friend caught me jacking off while sniffing his sister’s panties. Funny thing is she was still wearing them. Needless to say, it made her funeral very awkward. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/29/2013

Posted on by
Reply
So you say you like romantic movies?

So you say you like romantic movies?

It’s Tuesday and your mom’s gash is still just a fucking mess, when is she gonna get that crooked shit straightened out, man? Whatever, it’s not like I care, I was just wondering. Chopper Read was pretty much an asshole, but a glorified asshole – at least in Australia, also he has no ears. Jude came in stuntin’ with a new glorious scarf, talking about how he does movie reviews with B-Real. Ellis feels like everyone is mad at him for having a Porsche, like he’s a rich snob or something, and Jude glaring at him while ranting about how people come from all over to help feed the homeless, then leave to go back to their mansions, and Jude’s left with a homeless dude shitting in front of his house. Jude’s into romance movies, so picture this – Jude getting dusted on K and trying to watch Sleepless In Seattle. According to Tully, Paul Newman is a million times cooler than Robert “Ball Bag” Redford, he’s the Garfunkel of Simon and Garfunkel. Tully also admitted to us that he cried at the end of the movie For The Love of the Game with Kevin Costner, and Rawdog admitted he cried watching Field of Dreams, also with Kevin Costner.

Gangster's, rappers, gangster rappers, and kitties. All of them, above the law.

Gangster’s, rappers, gangster rappers, and kitties. All of them, above the law.

Hollywood news time, some guy says he has a photo of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger performing a sex act – and then the 1 person who cares threw up. Ellis thinks one of his neighbors was filming him having sex in his pool, or maybe not, but either way he’ll sue his ass if it leaks out. Rick Ross was the victim of a drive-by shooting yesterday, 50 Cent joined Dingo when he speculated that Rick Ross staged the incident, because none of the bullets that were supposedly fired at him actually hit his car. Daughter of Tammy Knickerbocker from Real Housewives of Orange County, allegedly rammed several parked cars and punched a cop. Lindsay Lohan says she’s too ill to fly and therefore can’t show up to court, but she was photographed out shopping and smoking. You know that whole Chris Brown / Frank Ocean fight thing? Yea, from surveillance footage, neither one actually threw a punch, it was just their posses going at it. Justin Bieber grabbed the titty of one of his fans at a meet-n-greet, TJES groping expert, Will Pendarvis, confirmed it looked like a boob grab but questioned the fans age. Guess who has a moat around their virtual castle, that’s right, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen, and nobody really knows why – but it’s there. Whitney Houston’s brother says he introduced her to crack, not Bobby Brown, and the entire world is clamoring to explain to him that he might not want to go around bragging about it.

Jesus is such a prankster, after all, Backstreet Boys exist.

Jesus is such a prankster, after all, Backstreet Boys exist.

Can the show summon Jesus? It doesn’t seem that way, as Jesus did not appear or even call into the show. Tully’s motherfuckin’ baby has been keeping his ass up all night long, so he’s got video of his wife singing songs and shit that he plays for the little motherfucker to try and get him to sleep. Aren’t those little motherfuckers cute when they’re sleeping? AJ McLean and his airbrushed fingernails (no Lee Press-On Nails for that man) came into the studio to help save our asses from another NMT with Rawdog. He’s making jewelry and women’s lingerie now, which coupled with his fingernail art, and his man-crush on Ryan Reynolds might lead one to question his sexual orientation, but make no mistake – he’s married. He talked about kissing Britney Spears on a basketball court when he was 13 and some other stuff, and then Rawdog got his little Jew claws on the reigns and took over with NMT, no matter what AJ did to try and stop it. After that, we got to make up potential death metal band names for AJ and Ellis, none were mentioned much less acknowledged except the ones AJ made up, so that was pretty neat. Just about as neat as when your dad stuck his dick in a vice and let the neighbor shit on it. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/23/2013

Posted on by
Reply
Fucking Yamaha, I knew it!

Fucking Yamaha, I knew it!

What else would The Wing wanna do on a Wednesday, but ride a bull and be a cowboy.  Oh, and of course shout out to the man, the myth, the ledge Chad Reed…who’s currently in 3rd place overall, just ahead of TotoMotoPoto and Dungey.  Of course its gotta be due to his sabotage tactics, reminiscent of the Cold War or any 80’s movie.  He better have that shit handy if he ever faces Spider Man at next year’s A-1, that dudes got skills.  Death! Death! Die! got skills too, and laid down a fresh track last night, didn’t get to hear it yet, but were all wet with anticipation!  Of course the real task was reading Shoebox’s graffiti lyric sheet.  That reminds me, FUCK Revolver Magazine, and the Dallas Cowboys while were at it!  Just please never trust an awards show, or a Canadian who lives in -41 degree weather, again!  That goes for Beyonce too, stupid Milli Vanilli acting bitch.  Also, don’t trust anyone who owns an automatic weapon, but isn’t cool with them being banned or controlled, or some sketchy shit like that.  More gun talk, and some video of a dude who says kids won’t be allowed to own turtles if we ban assault rifles, but I couldn’t find it and it wasn’t that riveting.

 

 

Happy BDay Tully's Mom!

Happy BDay Tully’s Mom!

Hollywood News is always riveting, and so is Johnny Deep’s ex girl friend, who’s fucking some new chic, yup!  Arnold is more interested in fucking his old chic, lizard lips.  Speaking of Arnold, turns out Rawdog saw The Last Stand recently, and said it was damn good despite his gut going into the movie, and that it was only like 10th ranked after its opening weekend in box office sales.  What was #1?  Your Mama, seriously it was.  Of course none of those are a match for The Jew Box.  Ellis gave us a in depth recap of this masterpiece, starring Matisyahu, and whoever else is in the fucking movie.  Sounded good to me, especially the ‘Jew Buzzer’ scene, so be sure to get it up ya!  Do you know the difference between a Jew and a canoe?  Snoop Lion doesn’t know the first thing about being a Rasta, or so says Bunny Wailer.  Lindsay Lohan doesn’t know the first thing about a lot of things, plus she ain’t selling out either.  Adele isn’t selling out her kid or his name, shes just too stupid to pull it off is all.  Shia LaBeouf ain’t selling or sharing any of the shit he scored on the set of his next movie.  And last but certainly not least, please don’t follow @jew_box on twitter, dude called the show and its pretty fucking creepy.

 

A.K.A. EllisMate beating that pussy up yo!

A.K.A. EllisMate beating that pussy up yo!

Check this muthafucker here out, naked on a roof, jumps off roof, breaks into home, jerks it on rug, shits on sidewalk, rubs himself over kids clothes n shit, oh and it took place in Florida!  Jim Florentine took his place in Florida, after being 18 and laid only twice, he nailed a smoking hot chic first day in Florida.  He stayed for 2 years!  So what’s Jim been up to these days, who the fuck knows as he and Tully just spent the next hour comparing Ellismate’s sexual adventures lately, to hall of fame baseball careers such as Ted Williams, Randy “Big Unit” Johnson, and of course knuckleballer R.A. Dickey (Who has a long way to go to the HOF – just saying).  From 3-2 counts to inside-the-park home runs, Florentine and Tully fucking lost me on this one, but hilarious none the less.  Apparently Jim’s also big into asking his buddies for advice on the best moves to put on their ex hook ups.  Hey man, if you know a trick she loves, hook me up with that info homie.  And if you know a chic who’s cool with you shitting out a nugget, while having sex, I don’t fucking believe you for one second!  Of course Jim wasn’t here to talk about that, though you could have fooled me, instead he will take part in the Roast of Dee Snider, tomorrow night at 9pm ET on AXS.tv.  But enough about Jim, whats Ellis been up to?  How about shoving 18 gauge needles in his ass and getting fake Canadian birth certificates, Red Dragons to you my friend.

 

Find out on TJES!

Find out on TJES!

We found out Rawdog ain’t alone in his love of large areolas.  One Jim Florentine gave our furry friend the nod of approval when hearing the news.  Does that mean Robin Quivers has huge nip nips?  One can only dream….about this nasty bitch from Boston, who beats her man for fa’ting in the bed, the nod, while singing her smash hit with Ellismate, “Ha’d to Fa’t” – which was lame, but no where near as creepy as WesleyPipes-tallica.  Dick dog just wasn’t made for that riff, but the Ellis show is made for Jew jokes, needle talk, areolas and of course, shitting out nuggets while fucking some broad….or selling a BMW too, that’s kinda gnarly.  Jew Joke:  This kid asks his dad for fifty bucks, so the Jewish dad says “Forty bucks, what do you need Thirty bucks for?”   If that didn’t sell you on listening tomorrow On Demand, then how about inverted nipples, hairy nipples, and of course skittles popping out of nipples.  No, then its gotta be the baseball/Ellis sex life that has you intrigued.  For me, I personally am a huge fan of the Jew jokes, including my favorite joke about your mom…..she’s a Jew…..a ‘Load Jew’, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/17/2013

Posted on by
Reply
One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

Thursday, star date: 1.17.2013 Would you want a man’s ass hanging on a wall in your home, if so, what would you do with it? Come on, you know what you’d do with it, don’t ya. You little dirty birdy. Tully is tired of his @possiblytully twitter name and is looking for something new. Before we could really get some suggestions going, a guest walked into the studio. Enter, Johnny Knoxville and him giving Ellis some praise and talking about he and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie The Last Stand. He also spoke of some past issues with fucking (people other than his wife) and the therapy he believes helps him with his issues. Knoxville also revealed that he didn’t really start jacking off until he was about 19 years-old, he tried at the ripe age of 14, but then dropped out for about 5 years. He wasn’t on very long, but was a good guest nonetheless. According to a doctor at Harvard University, us humans are infested with tiny versions of this spawn from hell.

It's fucking oozing ranch!

It’s fucking oozing ranch!

In little bitch news, some little 4 year-old girl had a mouth full of metal teeth for awhile like Jaws, the James Bond villain. Apparently she went in for a few cavities and came out a goddamned thug with major street cred, however, she didn’t want them shits so now she’s got her grill all fixed up like normal. In Australia news, this dude went to Subway and posted a picture of his 11 (not 12) inch sandwich, spurring others to measure their sandwiches, low-and-behold, nobody got a real fucking footlong from Subway. Speaking of sandwiches, some tranny named Eva Lin (?) that was in the studio had another tranny’s fist and arm in her ass, up to the elbow! Holy meatball sub, Batman! Next, it was time for a game called “Dick Chicken”, but first – we needed music for it. So the guys set forth making some nice tunes (containing no lame licks) to put everyone in the mood – or at least put Rawdog in the mood to be caught jerking off by his gay roommate. Basically, here’s how the game goes, the tranny pulls out her dick and starts to walk towards a blindfolded contestant. The contestant has to guess when to say “stop” before the tranny dick hits them in the face. Who lost? Rawdog, of course. And for losing, he got to put on lipstick and kiss Cumtard’s ass – like a lot.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber got another new tattoo, it’s Roman numerals for 1975 – for the year his mom was born. Skrillex had a birthday, with cake & candles & his hair on fire. Kourtney Kardashian said she’s super excited for her sister Kim to use her tits to feed both of their children. Britney Spears might be headlining in Vegas as hotel chains are in bidding wars to get her act at their shithole. Charlie Sheen is going to be a grandfather, from his 28 year-old daughter he had with some chick back in his high school days. Jason Statham might be ending his relationship with some stupid hot bitch, apparently he’s been partying it up and she’s mad at him for it. Michael Lohan said his daughter, Lindsay, is not a hooker – which is probably true, I’m sure she just fucks a lot. Jodie Foster made a speech at some awards ceremony and pretty much confirmed that she is indeed a lesbian, was anyone really surprised? Anyway, gay and straight people both found a way to have a problem with what she said and/or didn’t say. It’s kinda like your mom, nobody is ever satisfied with her, she’s just a cum receptacle. OH!