PFFSSHHHHH. It’s Monday, who cares. Ellis says it ain’t easy being cute if you don’t have fur, and skin is gross. World War Z has somehow become the highest grossing movie of Brad Pitt’s career and that leaves everyone confused because how the fuck is that possible? There’s so few quality movies being made in Hollywood that young and upcoming actors and writers are all like, “Big whoop, wanna fight about it?” I missed about 20 minutes and came back to baby Wolf Wipes, manly wipes for your manly ass. This spawned some conversation about other possible Wolf products, such as Wolf Moisturizer. 2 Chainz is gonna go broke because he’s not a savvy money saver. Remember that fish that thrives in Peru and loves to eat testicles? Now the fuckers are in a like in Illinois and a lake in Denmark. These motherfuckers have passports and travel, people! Watch your balls! After watching The Last Stand, Tully thinks Arnold Schwarzenegger has grown to be a better actor, but doesn’t get how he drove like 1,300 miles without ever stopping for a tank of gas. Ellis sold his jet ski, it’s going to a better home because Ellis has been neglecting it and it’s starting to show signs of depression and rebellion.
Ellis went hard in the kiddie pool over the weekend and he his now known as the fart monster. This is because he went to sit down in the water, had a pocket of air trapped in his shorts and bubbles came out. That’s when his ruthless children teased and tormented him as the fart monster. Tully’s kid had himself a little play date with his little screaming friend and he had to supervise all that shit. What’s the common thread between the two stories here? White people and how much they suck. Do families still go on vacation together and everyone wears matching shit like the Griswold’s? Yup. They sure do! Ellis caught some dad checking Katie out at the water park while his kid was drowning and Ellis had to tell the guy, “hey, you’re kid is drowning, dude” causing the guy to go back into dad mode for a minute. Hope he has good spank bank memory, too bad it’ll be forever stored right next to the image of his kid almost drowning. Lil Miss Ellis sent in a few Instagrams of him singing to Death! Death! Die! and a Michael Tully song for his chance to win an opportunity to sing with the band at EllisMania 9. Here’s him doing Awesome World, Load, and Will A Blank (from Retrofit). WolfknifeScottStapp sent in his video as well. So did DustyGrant57, singing U Can Go Fuck Urself. I think there was another one or two but I can’t find them.
A couple in Tennessee are the latest in stupid parents that shouldn’t be parents. They couldn’t decide on a last name for their newborn son “Messiah”, and asked a judge, who told them to pick a different first name. This brought up all the other stupid names parents have tried naming their children, and there is no shortage of horrible names, you hear me Nicholas? According Tully, there was a time where he wouldn’t answer to anything but “Little Lenny” and then of course there’s Josh who wouldn’t answer to anything but the sound of coins being dropped in his piggy bank. HEYOH! (haha love ya buddy) Elon Musk, the guy behind Tesla Motors has unveiled his designs for the Hyperloop, a superfast transport system based on pressure tubes and levitating cars. Next up was a game to find out which search terms return more Google results. There were a few surprises, but for the most part the results were mostly what you’d expect. And in the 800 pound, crazy monkey in the room news, Uncle Mayhem has been arrested again for domestic violence.
Antonio Banderas and Mel Gibson have been confirmed in the line-up for The Expendables 3, joining Ronda Rousey, Harrison Ford, and a shitload more. There’s a new residential skyscraper in Spain that’s supposed to symbolize the economic turn-around in Spain or some shit like that, but the architects forgot to put elevators in it and have since resigned. Mexicans, am I right? HEYOH! (haha Love ya Spaniards and Mexicans) And now, kiddies, it’s story time! One time, my best friend caught me jacking off while sniffing his sister’s panties. Funny thing is she was still wearing them. Needless to say, it made her funeral very awkward. OH!