Show Re-cap For Monday 1/7/2013

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You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

Fucking Monday, oh how we all hate thee – you suck shit, Monday. Sincerely, the World. Guess what else sucks shit? If you said the Sirius XM Online player, you would be correct! Neither the new player or the basic player worked today, so unless you were in a vehicle, have a portable player, or can get on ellismania.com – you didn’t get to hear the show. Fucking shit ass, ass shits. Ellis confirmed that there are going to be no replays, at least any time soon. You can send him hate mail if you like, but it’s not going to change anything. However, he might get on the Rawdog Comedy channel for 1 hour by himself before the show to fill the gap. Tully came bearing incredibly late Christmas gifts today! For Ellis, a beanie he had made from the ass skin of babies, which of course is the softest material known to mankind. Ellis is thinking about growing a long-ass ZZ Top beard and increasing the roids. I think… I don’t know, I missed it because of this bitch ass, ass bitch online player. Rawdog sculpted his guns at the gym today, showed off his weird black hair triceps, and possibly may not be wearing underwear. Ellis went to watch some moto this weekend, said hi to some fans, stayed away from Carey, the chick married to that dude Pink because apparently some of his/her friends don’t like Ellis.

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

We got some Loutallica from Lou himself reading from some coffee table book of porn shit, which sounded a lot like my reading of erotic fiction during final calls, except with way more anal topics. I suppose that would make it Analtallica. Slaughter houses are killing live animals at a rate of 1 animal every 5 seconds or so, for 8 hours a day. So if a cow and a butcher both left Chicago on a train bound for New York, what time would they both get there if the train conductor was slaughtered? Would you be willing to spend more money on grass fed beef? I don’t know what that has to do with the price of fruit in Puerto Rico since they’ll still be slaughtered and eaten, but there’s an argument for somebody in there. Lance Armstrong may be contemplating his admission of using steroids, and I can’t think of anyone who really cares anymore. NFL quiz time with Tully, and renowned sports fanatic and Native American, Rawdog, lead off with an accidentally correct answer. Ellis and Rawdog traded mostly wrong answers back and forth until everyone just stopped keeping track of who had the most correct answers, the fans were declared the real winner’s here. Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Rawdog and his sister both had worms when they were younger and had to take pills to shit out a pile of putrid shit snakes. Yucky. He just remembers his butthole itching and feeling something wriggling around tickling his balloon knot and then had to take medicine. How they both got worms is a doggy butthole licking mystery for the ages.

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Hollywood news, and this time it’s not about JizzCult, it was about pictures of Justin Bieber allegedly smoking that sticky icky (ooh, ooh!) with some Smurfed out rapper named Lil Twist. Tully, best known for stalking Danzig, is now stalking Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Once again, he saw their nanny and them some place and is now just working up the courage to say “wassup” to his latest victims friends. Al Roker admitted he straight up sharted his pants while visiting the White House and had to go commando for the rest of the visit. Somebody broke up with somebody, I couldn’t pay attention because the only thing running through my brain was Al Roker shitting his Fruit of the Looms. George Clinton from P-Funk had to fork over the rights to a few of his songs because he owes the man. Matt Damon, Michael Douglas, and Steven Soderbergh had to shop their “gayer than Brokeback Mountain” movie about Liberace to HBO because they were the only people who would carry it. Josh Brolin got bro-rested for being piss drunk in bro-lic and Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced from The Joker and she gets half his shit just like that moon whore planned from the get go. Michael J. Fox is shaking (get it?!) things up with a new show about a newscaster with Parkinson’s – isn’t it funny how life imitates art?

Joanna Angel stopped by the show to do another round of sexy impressions with Rawdog. Instead of Santa and Mel Gibson, this time it was Kim Kardashian (Rawdog) and Lil Jon (Joanna) gettin’ freaky deaky on the dance floor. Final calls time, and once again, we all get to breathe a sigh of relief that we’re not as stupid as the dude that called thinking he was talking to Cumtard and warning everyone about McDonald’s. Another caller tried to pitch him some softballs to make him look less dumb, but he just wasn’t getting it. We’re used to stupid though, after all, we’ve shoved so much shit into your mom’s pussy hole that it’s like a clown car at a circus in Germany. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 1/4/2013

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Apparently when you lived in three countries and used to be a professional skateboarder and are a radio host, you can get all confused and shit. But it’s Friday and instead of getting confused it’s best to just not give a fuck and keep pushing forward to the weekend. You know what else is confusing? Swedish Fish, which were made by the Swedish who also love the Swedish Fist. Take my advise and be sure you don’t get the two mixed up. Fun fact of the day, Pigmy people eat other people and then shrink their heads. Its true, I did some fact checking and after that bullshit I just posted it anyway. Ellis and Rawdog got into a deep discussion about moto and the upcoming race. After the in depth analysis of Chad Reed, Vilipoto, Kawasaki, KTM, and what ever other stuff they were talking about, Ellis said that you can get a discount tickets for The Nuclear Cowboys in Ontario California by using the promo code, ELLIS. Then there was more moto talk. But more importantly, don’t miss EllisMania 8 1/2 this Saturday!

In Hollywood News the Twilight star Bronson Pelletier was arrested. Apparently airports don’t like it when you do this. Russle Crowe is getting shit for singing in Le Miserable, Lil Wayne got “Baked” tattooed in his face, Vern Troyer was photographed riding a pony, Ozzy might get an airport in Birmingham England named after him, Reddragons. Samuel Jackson tried to gat a reporter to say the N-

get along really really little doggie

get along really really little doggie

word, Snoop Dogg thinks his kids haven’t tried smoking pot yet, and the Hollywood News Queen, Lindsay Lohan has been evicted from her Hollywood mansion. A caller told the guys about a little league fight among the parents in Columbus Georgia, and here’s another one from Colorado. Ellis almost got his knob bit off by his puppy, Burger. Bad dog, very very bad dog. dog-dildo

A stripper in Cleveland did a never before done spin maneuver called the “Throw yourself off a balcony and die.” This story kicked off Women Am I Right? with special guest, Burt McCracken. Some chick called her ex-boyfriend over 700 times a day then ran over his mom. A pair of beaver eaters are trying to get a sperm donor to pay them child support for the load in a jar he gave them. Burt and the guys talked about the usual rock start stuff, sex, drugs, music, barf, skin tags, dicks, you know, the usual. The biggest breakthrough to come from this interview was the Burt is planning on moving to Australia, he hasn’t told his band yet. Then Will came in with his trademark game, ummm, I’m not sure what its called so we can just call it Will’s Topic Game. This brought up a lot of great discussions and opinions and I highly recommend listening to the repla….oh wait, never mind  But take it from me, you should have heard it, it was great!

Hey_Ladies_-_Bill_ClintonTully read a story about how former President Clinton lost the codes to launch the nukes for a couple weeks while he was in office. But who really want to launch missiles while your getting your knob slobbed by interns. Monsanto is making a genetically modified cucumber that will make your pubes fall out. Or your ass hair, depending on where you put it. There was another game that was attempted. The callers had to call in and make an animal sound and Ellis had to guess the animal. Sounds simple enough, except that almost all the callers are idiots. For example, one guy made a sound like a pig that was fighting with a dog in a pool of swamp moss, turn out that was yer mum calling and she dropped the phone in her lap, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/3/2013

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Today’s show is dedicated to the troops and to lesbians.  But not the lesbians that fuck women only, but the ones who will take a dick from time to time.  So for the lesbian troops out there, this one’s especially for you.  If your a twisted robot nympho that wishes you could impregnate Wall-E, this one’s especially for you!  What were the New Year resolutions for the crew you wonder….Ellis doesn’t have one, just his desire to dominate radio and be famous.  Rawdog on the other hand just wants to get out of bed half an hour after the alarm goes off.  He also wants to be more social in his life, maybe getting a little pussay if you know what I mean.  This all inevitably led to Rawdog needing to pump iron, so he can pump the ladies.  After a few callers admitted their tragic downhill turn in life due to Ellis and Rawdog not going to the gym regularly like they were going too, we got action.  So again, Ellis n Rawdog are going to the gym to work out, starting Monday, so let that inspire you to at least put down the fucking chocolate eclair and go outside.  This will also lead to about 1,000 new cases of STD’s accross the nation, well with all the action everyones gonna get being all ripped n shit.  Oh and Scott Greenstein gets mad pussy yo!

 

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Wall-E also enjoys a snowball now and then

 

So this lady found a video of her boyfriend fucking another chic, and posted the sex tape online to get revenge, but only ended up fucking herself over.  Ever wonder what happened to Bill the Scorpion?  Yeah me either, but he called the show from heaven.  Yeah he’s dead now and chillin with 2-pack up there, so there is a ghetto in heaven, good to know.  Sounds like heaven as made Bill a little less racist, but still irritable as all fuck.  He gave a shout out to the communists, butt chuggers and amish out there “Die Mutherfuckers!”  Love that guy and in case your not sure who Bill the Scorpion is, just ask Cumtard and he’ll break it down for you, along with what Red Dragons means and anything else  you need to know, love that guy too.  In case your not sure Bill’s dead, just ask Tully or Will and find out for yourself, the hard way!  While your at it, ask Jizz Cult about the black widow scare of ’88, or the bed bug massacre in ’92, crazy shit man.  Just don’t go pissing Shiny Shins off though, or end up like these two girls parents, just for not letting them use the internet.  And finally, if you’ve ever wanted to be Asian, Bob’s your uncle.

 

Shit Sully LOOK OUT!!!

Shit Sully LOOK OUT!!!

 

Russia has declared beer to no longer be part of their food pyramid, but Vodka is still a key to any nutritious diet.  So what advice can the show give to teens out there struggling to make it in this crazy world?  How about kill yourself, which was the answer to the majority of such questions as “My girlfriend gets mad I rollerblade” or “My friend has keeps having crushes on the same guys I like”….yeah just fucking off yourself.  One chic was dating a cowboy, cause mom said cowboys are fucking hot, and dude beats her and does drugs n shit, yeah she should probably just kill her mom.  So should this other teen bitch whos got a 25year old sister with a little rug rat, sleeping in her room at her parents house cause she ain’t got a job or a life.  Anyways, back to the kill yourself people….Can I get pregnant with my underwear on…..can I get pregnant by swallowing load….I am a teen girl and want a baby – ok especially this bitch!  You get the drift, some funny shit if you wanna go back n check it out.  If you do, be sure to stick around for the bitch whos on her 16th day of heavy menstruation, its a hoot!

 

You maybe wanna get that shit checked out lady

 

New Adventure’s with Danny and the Dingo Cumtard everybody.  Every time that Kevin fucks up on the show, Ellis is going to torture him.  So today’s torture was the ol’ hot waxing the armpits, but while Cumtard made little kitty cat noises.  This go around they didn’t have the professional shit that ladt brought in, but just some store bought shit that wasn’t the same, but Cumtard persevered thanks to his meds he’s back on.  They make it harder for him to blow his load, but they keep him leveled out.  He’s also cut back on drinking as well, good on ya mate!!!  Andy Dick on the other hand doesn’t drink at all anymore, and also came by the show to spit on Tully Sully and Rawdog Mandog for old time sake.  He also came bearing gifts of 2% of the US is adopted, and 40% of crazy people in mental homes are adopted, fuck.  Then it hit him, Andy Dick has been on The Jason Ellis Show before.  He remembers someone smoking weed in the parking lot of swinghouse, probably Mandog I’m sure.  Anyways, Andy stopped in to tell Ellis how awesome his show is and that the Dick is now dating guys exclusively, 5 to be exact.  He’s also kinda bummed that Howard Stern hates him and wishes he could get a minute with him to apologize.  A big heart to heart between Jason Ellis, Andy Dick, Michael Sully and of course Mandog, eventually leading to one key point in all this, if you adopt a child, you MUST read them “Our Chosen Child“, or roll your dice on those percentages Andy gave you earlier.

 

                          DING!

 

In tribute to Andy Dick’s relationship status, Ellis decided to knock the dust of a classic, ‘Dude Is It Gay’.  Before that though, Mandog’s stories of circle jerking it and snowballing came up, to which the idea of swallowing your own load made even Andy throw up in his mouth.  You disgust me Mandog, but you also entertain me so its cool bro!  The circle jerk however really caught Andy’s interest, so much so he plans to stop by the show more often to hear more jewels from his cuddly little friend.  Well that and the chance to meet Thomas Haden Church, who wouldn’t want to be a friend of the show?  Back to Dude Is It Gay, and it is gay to get molested for 6 flags tickets, and to be peed on by any dude, famous R&B star or not.  A new twist to Dude Is It Gay this time, twitter questions.  “Dude is it gay if I tweet @ellismate gay?” is the gayest question ever asked on the show, twitter or phone.  Its not gay to clip your fingernails, but Mike Sully is flaming gay for cutting his with scissors, then using a file to get them just right.  @stapleneck is gay for every and any eskibro he issues, and everything @mike_in_canada tweeted is super Gandalf gay.  Oh shit that reminds me, earlier Sully did a story on some kid who tried to rob a store, and called his mom for a ride home…….but she couldn’t answer as she was in the middle of a pterodactyl with @AZ_RedDragon, @bitPimps and yours truly, OH!

 

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/2/2013

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  Happy New Year Bitches!

Its’ been a long time, we shouldn’ta left you, without a dope recap to step to.  But their fucking best of’s, and we got shit to do.  Today was live though, first of the year, and started with the reminiscing of that time Ellis got that one chic to put a phone in another girls ass, and called in on the air, and he thanked his mom.  Its shit like that he does to help the world, so EllisFam like you and i don’t get all pissed off with the morons living amongst us.  So the next time some idiot cuts you off in traffic, and fucks your lady, you can thank Ellis for not getting so pissed.  So what happened over the break for the fellas?  Rawdog didn’t get laid, but did go to some formal party with Bentley and did get to jerk off his roommate when the ball(s) dropped.  Tully got all spur of the moment n shit and took his wife n kid to Palm Springs so he could hang at a gay bar.  Ellis took his kids n lady to Mammoth Mountain, got ’em ski lessons n shit, and told Katie to Harden The Fuck Up for all the wrong reasons.  Thank god Jude showed up to spare us the drama and instead bring us stories of babies painting playpens in shit.  Jude also got the recap of the Reckoning from Rawdog, who is now a real man, taking that dick like he did, and is ready for a kick ass 2013, you go girl!  OH, and whats a new years break without movies?  Ellis saw Jack Reacher said its was pretty fucking good.  Tully saw Ted and also said it was pretty fucking good.  Rawdog saw Django Unchained, also saying its was pretty fucking good.  Jude on the other hand, saw Django Unchained as well, but in a black neighborhood, and its was not a pretty fucking good idea, but the movie was kinda sweet.  And everyone should see Killer Joe cause Thomas Hayden Church is the fucking man and you can suck it!

 

 

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Couldnt find a naked one armed man holding an arm….

Maryland got the gay, allowing their states first same sex marriage.  Tesla is more than just a shitty decent 80’s band, but also a bad ass electric car thats Ellis Show approved and American made brother!  Who had the worst New Years you wonder, maybe this woman Tully ran into at Fat Burger that not only broke up with her boyfriend, but her car broke down and she slept the night in the parking lot.  I’m sure someone out there has a worse story, and maybe it involves a car ride up a long windy road, in Australia of course, and your stopped by a naked man, covered in blood, holding an arm.  If so, dude you totally shoulda called the show, cause Ellismate had a box of shit he needed to get rid of to whoever had the best story involving the naked blood covered arm carrying man, and how he fucking got their in the first place.  Quite a few callers with some good ideas n shit, but none of which can be put into words, so go back and listen for yourself.  Of course, if you were curious what Rawdog or Tully would do in a situation with this crazed maniac…..Tully would just turn around n leave, while Rawdog would reason with the fine gentleman.

 

 

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Another Rawdog Classic!

Hollywood News time muthafuckers!  Kim Kardashian had a baby, oh shit thats not news worthy never mind.  Kayne West fucked Kim Kardashian and made that bitch have a baby, thats Hollywood News!  Justin Bieber was smoking weed in his Ferrari and some paparazzi dude got ran over for talking shit, says Rawdog.  Then Tully, being super dad n all, had a long heart to heart with us all on the dangers of the paparazzi, and on listening to Rawdog and not reading the story for yourself, seriously people.  Then shit got real realer when a mysterious wooden box showed up that Ellis thought could contain a bomb or snakes maybe.  Problem solved, they just got Cumtard to open the box, which contained…….some cool super cross thingie sent from Trey Canard #41 moto dude, who’s got a movie out about his 2012 life story titled REvival 41, check it out.  I’m sure you’ll check out Rawdog’s new movie coming out one day, you know the romantical comedy about Shoebox and Adrianna Curry….oh and Ellis will also be making a movie, well a documentary, about Rawdog making his movie = video gold!  Anyways back to Hollywood news with Rawdog, about how Katt Williams got into a fight with Sooge Knight and managed to film the shit on his phone.  Nick Stahl, dude was in Terminator 3, was arrested by the Celebrity Jerk Off Cop.  Latrell Sprewell, the man the myth the legend, knows how to fucking party, but has racist neighbors.  Hugh Hefner has made one lady super fucking rich in like 10 years.  If you google image search ‘100 year old dicks’…….well, you know.  Lady Gaga hates her fans that hate themselves.  Did Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt do it?  Matthew McConaughey did it, again, for the 3rd time.  Theres your fix of what happened in Hollywood while we were all having TJES withdraws, good on ya.

 

 

Scientology is wierd enough, but some dude wrote “The Church of Fear” exposing some shit about the odd religion, such as an impenetrable fortress built in the desert for aliens to find when we all eventually die off.  Oh and Tully has some fucking sweet Japanese underwear that are silky smooth.  Shout out to one Todd Richards for hooking Ellismania.com up with some Go Pro cameras, fuck yeah!  You know what else happened over the break, UFC 155 bitches.  I didn’t watch it though, but Cain Velasquez is your heavyweight champ again, battering Junior Dos Santos in the rematch to take back the belt.  There were other fights too, but whatever bro go read up on that shit its old news.  The new news is Ellis is gonna get killed by all of MMA for punching Ronda Rousey, in the future when shes on his show and tries to snap him in an arm bar.  Also in the future, Cain Velasquez will have to fight Alistair Overeem a.k.a Ovaries a.k.a. Walrus Man, whos all jacked up on steroids n raw feeder fish, had to be there.  In case you weren’t there in the beginning, when Ellis got that one chic to put a phone in another girls ass, and called in on the air, and he thanked his mom – he played the vintage audio for you.  In case you weren’t there over the break, when we weren’t writing recaps, and were TP-ing your moms, while I can’t show you the pics from that alleged day, this outta give you a good idea….

 

 

OH!

                                              OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 12/21/2012

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Hey mother fuckers, news flash, the world didn’t end and its Friday! But some people thing that the world might end today, but fuck those fucks, they don’t know nothing about nothing.  Ellis is finally off Stars2 because they keep fucking up his replays.  I guess the bentlysuits in New York are paying attention.  There will not be any replays for a little while but in time they will figure out if Ellis will get his own channel or if they will just play the replays on Faction41.  This, however, might be a sign that the four horsemen have arrived and apparently Tully is one of the responsible parties for their arrival.  Bently is in the Swinghouse today looking hot, still modeling a little, and is now an event coordinator so she won’t have to suck old man balls.  The Texas DJ, Billy Madison, was brought up again today and they talked about some of the bits that he does on his show. Like Vagina Funerals, Crazy Things You See At Work, Honk If Your Horny, Am I A Slut If, and many other favorites that you can hear originally on The Jason Ellis Show.

The guys did a gift exchange, you know the usual gifts, smokes, chocolate, kangaroo meat, a book about The Smiths.  aussie kid has poisonous snake eggs, roo invades house, want to watch a video where a drunk Aussie falls through a fence?  Or a video of an Aussie getting interviewed after a sex shop caught on fire? Is this Aussies dumbest Hoon?  What the fuck is a Hoon? This would be the video of the Aussie that got drunk and tried to ride a croc, but all the videos that I found suck, so fuck that.  Nashville isn’t just country music and inter-family relations, its a nice place to visit, and Texas is a place poopsockwhere men are men and sheep are scared! Some lady was the victim of the poo sock attacker on train and I laughed when I heard this so I get a special seat in Hell.  American sports have too many commercials, according to everyone.  And speaking of everyone, this segment has been brought to you by Verizon Wireless, can you hear me now? In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the ladies love a clean smooth hair free ass. People shouldn’t have to keep calling in to ask Ellis how to shave their intimate parts, but if you ask me, I always use Gillette Fusion Proglide, for against the grain closeness with comfort. A girl called in and said that she liked to be choked but she needed to teach her boyfriend how to choke her properly and without that weird “I wanna kill you” vibe.  How to choke a bitch has been brought to by The Home Depot. Because we have shovels, and that hole ain’t gonna dig itself.

In today’s Hollywood News, Kat Williams is gettin heat for being a pimp, Lohan didn’t want to kiss crack faced Charlie Sheen, Madonna yelled at some smokers at her concert and then threatened to cancel the show, Kelly Osbourn is hot, some magazine is looking for pictures of Lohan in Pennsylvania, Devito still trying to get Pearlman back, a bunch of famous people thanked Obama for being cool about weed, Arnold’s hair resembles that of Hitler’s, and all of this has been brought to you by Instagram, because your pictures are our pictures and we don’t give a fuck what you say about it.  After Hollywood News they did, Get The Cock Off Your Chest end of the world holiday edition. There were a lot of people looking to clear their conscious of their dirty little deeds and the segment was very entertaining. Get The Cock Off Your Chest was also sponsored by KY Jelly, getting cocks off since 1904.

Final calls time. During Final Calls they talked about football, chubby truckers, shout out to the veterans, roses, Cullen, Cullen’s fat baby, a slippery slope of death, Jerry Springer, a self racist black man, Master of Puppets, Uncle Jesse from Atlanta, merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, stinky dinky and wrinkle poles, the fucktard of the year, fuck Tully, Canada, and Jingle balls. 1321645583363

This is the last recap of 2012 and those of us here at NoYouAre would like to wish you a safe and happy Christmas, Hanukkah, or what ever the fuck else it is you do to get drunk in December. We would also like to thank yer mum, her prices are fair and she always helps pay for the Penicillin, OH!