Show Re-cap For Monday 1/7/2013

You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

Fucking Monday, oh how we all hate thee – you suck shit, Monday. Sincerely, the World. Guess what else sucks shit? If you said the Sirius XM Online player, you would be correct! Neither the new player or the basic player worked today, so unless you were in a vehicle, have a portable player, or can get on – you didn’t get to hear the show. Fucking shit ass, ass shits. Ellis confirmed that there are going to be no replays, at least any time soon. You can send him hate mail if you like, but it’s not going to change anything. However, he might get on the Rawdog Comedy channel for 1 hour by himself before the show to fill the gap. Tully came bearing incredibly late Christmas gifts today! For Ellis, a beanie he had made from the ass skin of babies, which of course is the softest material known to mankind. Ellis is thinking about growing a long-ass ZZ Top beard and increasing the roids. I think… I don’t know, I missed it because of this bitch ass, ass bitch online player. Rawdog sculpted his guns at the gym today, showed off his weird black hair triceps, and possibly may not be wearing underwear. Ellis went to watch some moto this weekend, said hi to some fans, stayed away from Carey, the chick married to that dude Pink because apparently some of his/her friends don’t like Ellis.

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

We got some Loutallica from Lou himself reading from some coffee table book of porn shit, which sounded a lot like my reading of erotic fiction during final calls, except with way more anal topics. I suppose that would make it Analtallica. Slaughter houses are killing live animals at a rate of 1 animal every 5 seconds or so, for 8 hours a day. So if a cow and a butcher both left Chicago on a train bound for New York, what time would they both get there if the train conductor was slaughtered? Would you be willing to spend more money on grass fed beef? I don’t know what that has to do with the price of fruit in Puerto Rico since they’ll still be slaughtered and eaten, but there’s an argument for somebody in there. Lance Armstrong may be contemplating his admission of using steroids, and I can’t think of anyone who really cares anymore. NFL quiz time with Tully, and renowned sports fanatic and Native American, Rawdog, lead off with an accidentally correct answer. Ellis and Rawdog traded mostly wrong answers back and forth until everyone just stopped keeping track of who had the most correct answers, the fans were declared the real winner’s here. Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Rawdog and his sister both had worms when they were younger and had to take pills to shit out a pile of putrid shit snakes. Yucky. He just remembers his butthole itching and feeling something wriggling around tickling his balloon knot and then had to take medicine. How they both got worms is a doggy butthole licking mystery for the ages.

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Hollywood news, and this time it’s not about JizzCult, it was about pictures of Justin Bieber allegedly smoking that sticky icky (ooh, ooh!) with some Smurfed out rapper named Lil Twist. Tully, best known for stalking Danzig, is now stalking Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Once again, he saw their nanny and them some place and is now just working up the courage to say “wassup” to his latest victims friends. Al Roker admitted he straight up sharted his pants while visiting the White House and had to go commando for the rest of the visit. Somebody broke up with somebody, I couldn’t pay attention because the only thing running through my brain was Al Roker shitting his Fruit of the Looms. George Clinton from P-Funk had to fork over the rights to a few of his songs because he owes the man. Matt Damon, Michael Douglas, and Steven Soderbergh had to shop their “gayer than Brokeback Mountain” movie about Liberace to HBO because they were the only people who would carry it. Josh Brolin got bro-rested for being piss drunk in bro-lic and Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced from The Joker and she gets half his shit just like that moon whore planned from the get go. Michael J. Fox is shaking (get it?!) things up with a new show about a newscaster with Parkinson’s – isn’t it funny how life imitates art?

Joanna Angel stopped by the show to do another round of sexy impressions with Rawdog. Instead of Santa and Mel Gibson, this time it was Kim Kardashian (Rawdog) and Lil Jon (Joanna) gettin’ freaky deaky on the dance floor. Final calls time, and once again, we all get to breathe a sigh of relief that we’re not as stupid as the dude that called thinking he was talking to Cumtard and warning everyone about McDonald’s. Another caller tried to pitch him some softballs to make him look less dumb, but he just wasn’t getting it. We’re used to stupid though, after all, we’ve shoved so much shit into your mom’s pussy hole that it’s like a clown car at a circus in Germany. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 12/10/2012

Awkward porn is awkward.

It’s Monday, it’s colder than a well digger’s ass, and I’ve got a link to the sweetest fucking song/video that you must watch. Do puppies keep you at night because they’re chewing on your hands? Do you wake up in the middle of the night to watch porn where old ladies are doing young ladies? Well maybe you should. Or maybe Dingo should, because he just could not follow this story for the life of him. At first he thought it was mom on daughter, then he wasn’t sure what the scissor-kick-cookie-wiggle was, and I think he even started to think the topic was the new Spiderman movie. It took all three of the dudes to get Dingo back on track. Ellis initially started questioning his dick for a moment due to the weird underlying vibe the porn was giving off, at first he wasn’t into it, then he was, and then he went and banged out Katie. Manny Pacquiáo got clobbered hard enough over the weekend that people are already talking about his possible retirement from boxing all together. If you had to pledge your love to a new God and start going to church, which celebrity would it be that changes your life path and you start to follow? Chris Farley? Elvis Presley? Once again, Dingo went off the deep-end here claiming he’d follow Justin Bieber and Usher, or Quentin Tarantino, but not Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. It’s like I don’t even know Dingo anymore. Okay, so maybe I never really did know Dingo, but still.

For you people reading this, you probably already know oxycottonjohn (Yeahhhh Motherfuckers!) His little sister has setup a blog to accept donations for him and his mounting and very expensive medical bills. Please, if you can, help out a fellow EllisFam member. He’s a fucking great guy and would help you out if he could. Spread some love, you could use the good karma.

Not training for your fight because you still feel on your game?

Wanna see the worst free throw in the fucking history of basketball? Was that a relative of Rawdog’s? Was it Rawdog himself in costume? I’m pretty sure the answer to both is nope. Ellis has been teaching Katie pad work, not like pads for those light days in a girls life, we’re talking boxing here. Could we be seeing a “Dumped or Fired” fight at EllisMania 9, where Rawdog and Katie square off in the ring and the loser either gets dumped or fired? Time will only tell, but hopefully for the fans, this will become a reality. Some world champion mustache dude was there filming Dingo today, yup, that’s all there is to say about that exciting news – I guess at least he’s a world champion. Is it pronounced Appalachia or Far Fig Newton? Who gives a shit? Fight talk time. Ellis doesn’t think Shogun is finished, but a lot of other people do because he’s been getting his face rearranged quite a bit lately, but the only person who really knows is Mauricio “Shogun” Rua. B. J. Penn got beat again over the weekend and people still blame his laid back, weed smokin’ lifestyle for his lackluster performances of late. Nate Diaz flipped the bird on TV, is anyone really surprised that he would do this? He’s a bad-ass hoodlum, how could you think he wouldn’t do something like this eventually? I say more power to him.

Oh come on! I was just joking!

Quick, random thought: Am I the only one who thinks Maria Brink from In This Moment would be a lot hotter without the massive holes in her earlobes? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, some corpse fell out of the sky, it wasn’t a ghost, it wasn’t “Slimer” from Ghostbusters, but just a dude that tried to travel for free and in the wheel compartment of a plane. Which has been tried before by others, and most of them were just as unsuccessful as he was. And Darwin wins again. Tully had another celebrity sighting over the weekend while taking his son to the swings at the park, guess who was there? No, not Danzig. Yup, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were there. I assumed with their child as I believe Gavin is no longer into little kiddies at the park, but low-and-behold, Tully never mentioned anything about their kid. Make of that what you will. Kurt Russell’s nephew went to the same school as Rawdog once. Neat, right? Wrong. I can understand you liked Overboard or Big Trouble in Little China, but come on.

There was talk about Camino & Rick, but it’s all old and it’s all lame. Apparently there was a tweet, and then someone else tweeted, and then people had thoughts, and then it was on the fucking show. I don’t listen to C&R, I’ve tried, but it’s just not my thing. If you do listen to them, great. No big deal. I can’t believe anyone cares about any of this. Seriously. Jude popped into the studio just long enough to hand out vaporizer presents to everyone and then boom, he was gone just like that. Do you prefer white chocolate? You’re probably a gaycist. Don’t argue about it, just accept it and move on. There might be a few more things I’m forgetting, but really – are you even paying attention at this point? Me neither. Who cares. Well, actually, I’ll tell you about one time that your mom did care. You were sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and said, “Hey mom, pass the fuckin’ corn flakes.” She took you out back and whipped you with a rod then sat you back down and said, “Now would you like something from the table?” You said, “Well I sure as shit don’t want those fuckin’ corn flakes.” And that’s how I knew you were the spawn of my seed. OH!