Show Re-cap For Tuesday 8/7/2012

Why do all fat women wear purple? That was the question that started today’s show. I think this is a question that may just plague at least 1/3 of the world’s population, NASA doesn’t even know. As with any Rude Judesday, he came on the show and apparently while Ellis was on vacation, Jude enjoyed getting a bunch of new listeners to his show – so shout out to his Caucasian ass. China could potentially invade the US because the majority of their population are males, and like parties that are sausage fests, a fight always breaks out. That’s why I recommend you all watch Red Dawn as much as possible, that way you know how we’re going to win and drive those reds back to their homeland. WOLVERINES! Sounds like a porn site wants to send TJES some swag, so be on the lookout for a possible Rawdog Fleshlight product line sometime in the future.

We got to hear some audio from Ellis’ interviews with some of the stars from The Expendables 2. The first interview was with Dolph Lundgren where Ellis says he found him to be one of the funniest in the movie, said he looks better than Clint Eastwood, and asks if he thinks his punches and kicks are better than Randy Couture’s. There were more questions but fuck that shit, I ain’t writing this shit down word for word. Next was his interview with Terry Crews and Randy Couture, which started out with Ellis saying Terry is a massive dude and Randy could beat up everyone in The Expendables 2, we didn’t get to hear him ask Terry if he has a massive penis though. We had to wait to hear the KTLA edited version of the interview, which turned out pretty good actually. However, we did get to hear a message on Ellis’ phone from Uncle Mayhem singing a song about how he loves Ellis and such.

The guys played some Olympics history trivia today, with all answers being either true or false. For instance, ancient Olympiads were required to be nude in their competitions – because you know, oiled up men wrestling is totally no homo. If you believe Rawdog’s trivia questions, ancient competitors would chew on animal testicles before competition, as an early form of steroids, which let’s be honest – sounds fucking hardcore. Tug of war was once an Olympic sport, which is totally acceptable considering badminton is currently a sport, and I think we all can agree that tug of war should come back. In the end, Jason ended up being the winner in today’s Olympic history trivia – which is pretty fucking amazing in itself, but there ya go. His prize? He get’s to give Shit Taco another new name, who shall now be known as Tuberculosis. Tuberculosis also claims to be a comedian, so he got a chance to tell a joke (it sucked) and plug an upcoming show he’ll be a part of.

Today was NMT, 3 weeks worth of it as a matter of fact. Turns out, it wasn’t as horrible as most, but still – I’m not writing much about it. I will say this though, there was talk of Syndrome of a Down and Downzig being something worth checking into. A caller had a real problem with that particular topic and called out the guys, especially Tully. Once the guys explained everything, the caller calmed down and saw that it’s not meant to be malicious and things moved forward. Considering many of the callers to the show, it was super surprising to hear him be intelligent about it – so shout out to that dude – good call. New segment today, “You’re dead to me”, where people that suck get put on notice, which I think for now is only Josh Koscheck. I imagine in just a few short days, there’s another person that will be on that list. Not just because they suck, but because you can’t be a mega-whore for your entire life without some kind of consequences – so make sure you say goodbye to your mother because soon, she’ll be dead to you as well. OH! (shit, that was dark)

Show Re-cap For Monday 8/6/2012

Now that Ellis is back from vacation and show is once again live, so is this mu’fuggin’ re-cap, you thug-ass, gangster-ass, bitches. Let’s just get right into it and start this bitch off like Super Fly TNT. Well that was the plan, but as the show started off, Ellis asked why us moron’s listen to him because he stuck M&M’s in his dick, oh and we’re obsessed and psychotic! Kind of sounds like a downer, if you didn’t know the show of course. It wasn’t a downer to me though, because I’m pumped up that the show is back and I can bombard twitter with my bullshit. He brought Tully (who had brunch next to Jeff Goldblum) back a gift from the duty free shop, a bottle of Johnny Walker green label. Ellis got a gift from @nickyknac, it was a painting of Rawdog. And all I got was this lousy blog. Sounds like Ellis got bombarded by people in Cabo, wanting him to do all sorts of activities as well as to buy some cocaine. Turns out the activities were good and the cocaine was bad. Ellis was getting recognized while on vacation, not by the locals, but by other tourists – most of whom recognized him from his appearances on The Howard Stern show. See, now that shit he said at the start of the show makes more sense (and now we’ve come full circle).

Ellis got to do some shit for KTLA where he had a chance to screen the new Expendables 2 movie and meet a few of the actors, such as Jean-Claude Van Damme, who claimed there was talk about a match with Georges St. Pierre. Everyone done barfing from laughing so hard? What a goddamned joke! Just because your old-ass plays a tough guy in a movie, doesn’t mean you’re really ready for some fighting action. According to Ellis, Dolph Lundgren has a big fuggin’ dome, and looks like he’s kind of a badass because of a scar he has somewhere on his face – but his nose is straight so he can’t be too bad – that or he’s rich enough for plastic surgery. There was talk about the UFC fights, which I haven’t gotten to see yet so I barely paid attention during that part, sorry. Hey, according to researchers – if your pupils are dilated like you’re tripping balls – it’s because you’re a homosexual. It’s science!

Ellis was banging Katie (while wearing his knee brace) on an outside bed when he heard somebody coming into their room. He jumps off her, she goes to talk to the dude with the quesadillas and he ends up slipping on the marble floor, tweaked his Mayhem knee and started screaming. The quesadilla man probably didn’t even flinch being that I’m sure he’s walked in on numerous people boning in their hotel room – at least that’s what I gather from reading the Letters To Penthouse articles. In other Katie news, Ellis lost a bet with Katie about his book being in a library. Sure enough, it was there – so she peed on his head. Now that’s a fucking bet for some “salty” characters. [insert laugh track] Rawdog was at the beach with his girlfriend, they’re both reading, and suddenly Rawdog starts experiencing pain in his thumb – it was a bee sting! Amazing story of courage, hope, and manliness.

Dingo was on the show today, he went to his older brother’s wedding in Australia, turns out his brother’s wedding turned into a bit of an intervention. Gotta love the family drama coming out at the best/worst times it possibly can. As bad as it sounds, the consensus seems to be that it was a good time for it to come about – at least in the sooner rather than later sense. Rawdog watched Cumtard drink his friend’s puss. Yup, I know you’re not surprised in the least, and neither am I. Apparently his friend got a really bad sunburn, to the point where his puss sack was leaking and that’s when Cumtard came into the scene. Not to be out-done, callers into the show resumed with their typical quality. Nobody can make a complete sentence or gather their thoughts long enough to spit out more than 2 words on a bunch of “uhhhh” shit. One of more of them tried to say something about Chick=fil-A’s secret seasoning or some shit, another few tried to ask “what’s the big deal?” about all of the latest Chick-fil-A news, and then I went to take a shit so I’m sure I missed something. And that about does it for this re-cap, the only thing left to do is congratulate you on your mother’s appearance in the Olympics. It must have been a real honor to see her fat ass as the helicopter in the opening sequence. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 7/20/2012

It’s Friday mother bitches! Or bitches of mothers, maybe? Just bitches? I don’t know. I’ll trust you to get in the right line. Monetarily speaking, on an average, Canadians are richer than Americans. Here’s what you gotta remember though. The US has a population of about 314 million, while Canada has about 35 million. Ellis went to the Rainbow bar with Katie for some tanning contest or some shit like that, and ka-chow! Dave Grohl was there and Katie has known him for years, and he’s never fucked her. So he’s cool in Ellis’ book, he seems cool to me, so he’s cool in my book too, what about your book? Is he even in your book? Have you ever opened your book? You should. Start gently and slow, then work your way to a faster pace – just don’t tear your page or you’ll never get to completion. What the fuck am I even rambling about? God, me! You’re talking crazy talk. Get yourself together, come on. Okay, new paragraph, start fresh. You can do this. Please excuse my pep talk to myself.

Ellis got a raise and a new contract today, so he’s on for another 2 years. That’s good news, the bad news is that today is the last show for 2 weeks while he goes on a vacation to Cabo, word is he’s a massive fan of the Red Rocker. Rawdog will be staying in LA for his vacation and getting back on finishing the “Big Fucking Mega-Boat” movie. I don’t know what Tully is doing for his vacation, but he wears a fucking swimming cap while he swims laps at the YMCA. Let’s all point and laugh! I also do not know what Pendarvis will be doing for his vacation, but I have to assume that he’ll be writing depressing poetry and taking lonely photographs. Tom Cruise is so fucking creepy that while preparing for the movie American Psycho, Christian Bale used him as inspiration after seeing the lifeless, nut job eyes Tom was sporting.

John Salley (@thejohnsalley) came on the show today and started hocking some natural male enhancement supplement. By the way, he’s an ex-NBA champion, radio host, this, that, and probably something else as well. I don’t really know this dude at all or anything about him, and as the interview first started, I was very skeptical. Turns out, it was an interesting interview and he seems like a cool enough guy, he actually has shit to say. He did call Jason, “John Ellis” though, that was kinda funny. Hey, did you know it’s in the Death! Death! Die! rider that Tully gets a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black? That’s a rock star move right there! Some chick called in to the show to say that she had a dream about Jason the other night, she was going to leave her husband to be with Jason. Stalker alert!

Quite a few people called in telling Ellis to have a great time while on vacation, and others called in to warn him not to get caught in the crossfire of drug cartel wars. Some people think it’s nothing to worry about, and others say all of Mexico is a war zone. And that’s why whenever I travel, I like to pack automatic weapons. Sure, now days it prohibits me from traveling anywhere, but boy, if I did, and someone started warring with me, watch the fuck out! If you really want to find out the in’s and out’s of traveling, you should really ask your mom. She’s been all over the place, from the soup kitchen downtown to the run-down shit shack crack house, all the way over to the seedy motel that charges by the hour. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s because she’s a total whore who sells her festering pussy out to anyone with a spare cigarette. I’m just saying that she… just kidding. That’s exactly what I’m saying. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 7/19/2012

Welcome to the smooth sultry sounds of today’s re-cap. It might be all that but it doesn’t hold a candle to Rawdog’s sexy voice. Tully made him use it and seduce him, and I don’t

¿Quién es este Van Halen hablas de?

know about the rest of you, but my pants were ankle bound in no time. Josh’s now regular lucha libre partner has never heard of some of the most iconic bands in my lifetime and for sake of time I will not rant about that. Instead I will wait until Josh unleash this epic ten song selection of “white boy” rock and see what she says, then I shall unleash the feathered hair fury! Ellis finally arrived, probably traffic again, and noticed that someone ate the fucking mint. WHO ATE THE FUCKING MINT! It was Jude, apparently he had a bad case of the zactlys and the mint was necessary at the time. He apologized and will promptly replace the fucking mint. Then I’m pretty sure they started talking about eating in the bathroom, the “bitchen.” I think my brain blocked this from itself because that’s fucking gross. The 5 second rule DOES NOT apply in the bitchen, it it falls, tough shit.

 

I used this hand!

The actor, Fred Willard was caught with his dick in hand at an adult movie theater and was arrested by a peeping tom cop who claimed he was “Jacking his rod.” What kind of a world do we live in when a man can’t watch porn in a public porn place and flog the bishop or pet the one eyed snake, wax the wood, butter the corn, choke the chicken, fumble your frank, hump your hand, flick your dick, whack your pud, shag your shank, shampoo the moose, wrestle with Jimmy, wait, what was I talking about? Oh well, moving on. Hey fatty, money you used to buy that double bacon four pounder you got a Shit Donalds King is going to support some sort of religious based, hate the different, owners and their charities. Enjoy.

CumTard came in the studio today. I think it was to talk a little about his fight with @Shit_Toboggan but it was probably just to give the guys another bag of pubes. He left after only a short time which was my favorite part of the segment. A tuna diver off the coast of Mexico wrestled and killed a great white shark. I have officially put this guy in the Hall of Manly Men for being the Manliest Man in the world. Take that Dos Equis guy! The Kottonmouth Kings came into the Swinghouse today promoting their new album. Instead of the straight forward boring interview, Ellis decided that they needed to play a game and the loser has to smoke the pubes that Kevin brought in. The game was created by Josh and much like the flaming plane crash that is associated with NMT, this was no different. He made a game that consisted of a number of brain teasers and tests. The KMK’s did suprisingly well and Tully and Ellis then had to smoke the crotch garden that was given earlier. It was a good appearance and they mentioned a few times that people should go to www.kottonmouthkings.com, they even mentioned that they will post video of Ellis and Tully smoking the pubie doobie.

Final calls were pretty standard and the “Matterdaddy” guy called in again. I think that i am starting to enjoy his persistence, he is truly dedicated to his shitty joke. Before I forget, Ellis will be on vacation next week, so plan your whining and bitching accordingly. Me on the other hand will have afternoons free to spend with yer mum, trying to figure out which wrist watch is mine that I found in her vagasaurus, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 7/18/2012

As many of you are hobbling through this week, some still suffering your post EllisMania depression, we learn that Jason’s love tap he received from Mayhem is a torn MCL. For those not too familiar with human anatomy, the MCL is the doohickey that is connected to the thingamajig and controls the whatsit. Pretty basic stuff. Ellis’s vacation in Cabo is set and he is looking forward to it. He believes that he will return a changed man, and Mexico has a strange way of doing just that. I myself can never look at a donkey and a middle aged Senorita in fishnets the same way again. Matthew McConaughey was mentioned and due to the noise of heavy machinery all i heard was bits and pieces that not only declare but support the reason that he is one of the coolest dudes ever.

Paul Gaylord, from Prineville, Oregon, got the Bubonic Plague when he was wrestalin with some pusssayyyyy! If you live in Oregon and like your fingers don’t pet the stray kitty. This public service announcement has been brought to you by this guy. A pair of girls was attacked by a beaver. I swear I’ve heard this joke in a bar somewhere. And in New Guinea there are Cannibal Cults, not to be confused with Cannibal Corpse, that are eating the dicks of men, not to be confused with Nickelback. Also in New Guinea there is a fish that loves the nuts, but unfortunately we all know fish don’t have lips so this is a rather toothy fellating. Wear a cup. Speaking of sucking nuts, Chick-Fil-A doesn’t back gay marriage. In fact the owner or CEO or Head Fucktard came out in the press saying that they don’t think its right or some shit. This is going to start a massive protest at their chicken sandwich franchises and they should be prepared for absolutely fabulous looking picketers, glitter bombings, and the endless hours of Cher songs.

Today was Worlds Greatest Wednesday and the subject was, The Worlds Greatest Thing To Do In The Last Hour Of Your Life. And your final top 10 are…..

10. Hunting deer with a cruise missle

9.   Have gay sex in a Chick-Fil-A resturant

8.   Make a celebrity sex tape with Oprah on a pile of money

7.   Smoke a joint with Willie Nelson

6.   Viewkkake: Shooting your load on the entire cast of The View

5.   Impregnating maids with Arnold Schwarzenegger

4.   Real life “Fuck, Marry, Kill”

3.   Charity jam a bunch of hot chicks with AIDS and Herpes

2.   Create a rollerblading contest, hosted by Nickelback, and blow up the building

and your winner, thanks to Shantanee and her mega 10 million vote, is…..

1.   Frame Jay Leno for murder!

I’m really going to need some Preparation H

Speaking of murder, I saw yer mum at the Chick-Fil-A, and no, she wasn’t giving blow jobs for sandwiches, that’s uncalled for. She was however, taking bets on how many she could fit up her slam box. Want to know the winning number? So do I, when I last checked she was still cramming them up her greasy snatch hole like it was a garbage disposal, OH!