2014

Posted on April 10, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Is this pen gonna work? No? How about this one? Nope? Fuck. Dammit. I hate this pen. Uggghhhh…I need new pens so bad. Blah, blah, blah, this one will work, I guess. <3 <3 <3
Because, according to my notes, that is how the show started today!!!! In actuality…welcome to the recapiest recap of the recapable recapacapacap written by a lady wielding a vagina this week of The Jason Ellis Show!!! You’ve missed me!!! You know it!!! So many things have happened on the past couple of Thursdays, except not, because there was no show just some Best Of and you came to this site neeeeeeeding to see the beautiful words that I write and you were left wanting. I know. The horror. That’s probably why I got so many new followers on instagram without needing to post pictures of my butt or put copious amounts of cleavage in my avi. Yeah, I know, I know what goes on.

But really this time.

Welcome to your favorite site of recaps that has ever existed for The Jason Ellis Show! Ellis opened up the show today talking about how he has one microphone stick that says ‘host’ and another one which says ‘God’ and that’s a lot to live up to, but Ellis gets down with pressure and he is up for the challenge, so fuck you! Probably. Because, you know, there’s a lot of shit that you come up against in life, like being young and having to blow some people and your bones coming out of your arm, and while they may not have expressly happened to you, everyone has their shit stories (and if you don’t you’re either lying and we all hate you, or you live a charmed life and we’d all hate you if you weren’t so awesomely charmed) and you have to suck it up and keep on going. I don’t really know if Ellis got to that part of the message, but that’s the message he’s always throwing out there and I was driving by this point and that’s what I’m saying, so feel free to take it as gospel. From an atheist. Boom. Mind blown.

Anywhoooo…all of this talk of shit going down in your life and it being scary as shit having your bones come out of your arm (that almost happened to me when I was 8 and even being on the brink of having bones splinter and erupt through your flesh is pretty goddamn terrifying) snowballed into talk about scary movies and scary things and how the horror genre has made the shift from the Saw-based realistic (sort of) horror to the more supernatural horror movies that we have been getting over the last few years like…uh….I keep seeing a preview for Oculus which looks supernatural and terrifying….so that is my example. I don’t watch horror movies because my life has been horrific enough and I was scarred for life by Jason Goes to Hell when I was about 6 years old (seriously…I was present during a conversation about Michael Meyers about 2 years ago and I had nightmares about him for a week…it was a conversation…I didn’t even watch the fucking movie) and basically even the worst, non-scary movie out there will give me anxiety attacks for a month. I feel like I’ve said this before to you guys who are nameless and faceless and reading this, so, if that’s true…sorry for the re-hash of a re-cap…but it’s applicable, so fuck you at the same time…kind of. Ellis enjoys the ‘it can actually happen’ horror movies as opposed to Tully who likes the supernatural horror movies, because Ellis wants to see some movies where big wild animals like Lions, and Tigers, and Bears (oh my!) are walking around chewing on a still struggling Dorothy as opposed to linking arms with her and singing and dancing their way to Oz…because that shit is frightening for realsies. Tully explains that he prefers the supernatural horror because he, in real life, would get locked into a cage with a lion and be resigned to his fate and not surprised at the prospect of the lion attacking and mauling him to death, but he doesn’t really know how he would react if the supernatural forces out there were out to get him and tear him limb from limb with their supernaturalforciness. I get that. Either way…I’m not fucking watching. So there.

On the supernatural wave we shall surf further and talk of shadow people that Will saw as a child, and no- he was not referring to black people, he was talking about some sort of oogly-googly ghosties that would send Shaggy and Scooby Doo scrambling for the comfort of the nearest hilarious object to hide in. And even still speaking of the supernatural…how come the guys from those Ghost Hunter television shows were never contacted about having Ellis on their show? Wilson, where are you? Oh, wait, what’s that? They were contacted and they seemed none too eager to have a potentially adversarial person who doesn’t believe in the supernatural at all on the show? Oh. Well. Oh….jerks. It would have been entertaining. We all know by now that Ellis has absolutely no belief in the supernatural because he’s been all over the world and on all sorts of drugs and the closest thing that he’s ever come to a supernatural experience is when he put a can of Sprite down and it shimmied its way across the coffee table…but he kept his cool and did some googling…and it was from the condensation, guys, so calm down. Tully is pretty skeptical regarding the whole supernatural thing…I remember him briefly talking about an experience with a tape recorder or something and relating it to his own unknown psychic energy (except when he explained it, it didn’t involve the words psychic energy at all and sounded way more plausible) so I really think that he could go either way when confronted by the whole supernatural thing, which is why he is more scared by horror movies that are supernatural in nature. And I’m soooooo over typing out the word supernatural. Moving on, there was talk about Sasquatch and how they can’t exist, and people still think that they exist, and getting a budget to pull some wicked awesome squatch pranks on unsuspecting people.

Back from the first break, Tully tells us that there was a 63 year old woman in Tathta, Australia went for an annual swim with some other swimmers and never returned. Going from the news story he was reading, Tully told us all that no remains had been found and no one was really sure about what happened to the woman, other than she had apparently perished at some point during the swim, which is a pretty normally swam route, and they made a couple jokes about her being the weakest of the pack singled out and she was probably gotten by a shark. Well…good guess, guys, cause the news story that I turned up and linked to says that, yeah, a shark got her. Ellis informs us, his avid listeners, that shark attacks are on the rise because of everyone being bad to the environment, so you better watch the fuck out or you’re gonna get eaten by a shark. Get green or get dead is the sage advice that Mr. Tully bestows on us…and yeah…I’m never going into the ocean again. Except not, because I live on an island and the beach is where I like to live during the summertime. Al Gore apparently is a frisky fuck when it comes to massages and is always out for a happy ending, but never goes to any of the places where a happy ending is part of the package, and I don’t remember how that part of the conversation came about…probably something to do with the environment talk…but…there you go. On to more water creatures, Tully shows Ellis a video that he was turned on to by Justin and Maya (the people who donated oodles of money to hungry kids for the chance to hang out with Ellis) that showed killer whales chasing a boat which sounds like it could be a plot to a B-Horror Movie , but it was just a video and no one died, which is very unlike a horror movie. All’s well that ends well.

Ellis then gets talking about how he was listening to Faction this morning and he heard Rick Thorne spew a quick promo for The Jason Ellis Show, to which Ellis took extreme exception to. Why? Because he is being promoted as a pro-fighter/skateboarder and that’s not how he wants to be portrayed. Like. At. All. Why? Because he had one pro fight and he’s been retired from skateboarding, like, forever, and why can’t he just be called a radio host? Will comes in to explain that the couple of words are supposed to pique people’s interest who haven’t heard of the show anymore…and he and Ellis go back and forth with Ellis saying he would rather not promote the show at all (which is probably not his best idea ever) but if he had to, he wanted to be able to approve the way that it’s promoted (which is a much better idea and completely reasonable). Bitpimps was blasting my twitter feed with all of his hilarious succinct TJES descriptions and callers tried calling the show to put their two cents in…but the winners of the non-game were Tully with Extreme Punchmaster Jason Ellis, Jason Cupcake Ellis, and The Radio Boomerangatan Jason Ellis, and @sharkchucker with Sexual Degenerate Jason Ellis. Lmao. Way to go Sharkchucker. I personally agreed with @serutti who described it as ‘the best show that you aren’t listening to’ and was all ‘squeeeeeee’ that they got some TJES time, because I’m a geek like that and I go ‘Hey, I know them!’ They watched a couple of more videos including one where a guy and girl where high on Salvia, which is some sort of drug, and the bitch sounded completely from another planet because of it and did the ‘chick thing’ (according to Tully) where she got so high that she needed a hug. Yeah. I do that when I get too drunk. I need hugs. I get it. It’s annoying. They take a break here and I’m not making it a separate paragraph because back from the break they watch a video of an interview done in 1994 with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley where Paul Stanley won the respect of Tully by calling out Gene Simmons on his bullshit and which, if you didn’t listen to the show, you should go and check out, because it was pretty epic.

Guest! Guest in the studio! And oh boy what a guest because it was CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI and if that isn’t really his middle name he should have it changed!! Yes, that’s right, Christopher Meloni of Law and Order SVU Detective Elliot Stabler fame and new show Surviving Jack which airs Thursdays on Fox at 9:30pm fame was on The Jason Ellis Show…and I am such a nerd that I am going to say that that’s because THE JASON ELLIS SHOW IS THE BEST GODDAMN SHOW OF ALL TIME FUCK EVERYONE ELSE HOLY CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI!!!!!!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh my God, oh my God…this was the most exciting thing to me everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (yes, of course talking to Ellis and Tully killed it and so did hanging with Jude…but CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI, guys) and I was so happy and I loved the interview because he has such a sexy man voice (can you tell I love a guy with a great voice ::cough cough:: Jude ::cough cough::) and I did manage to pay attention and be squeaky happy and laugh out loud probably way more than was necessary. I’m not going to say it was the best interview to ever happen on the show because I’m not that insane or blinded by my love of older men…but it was a solid interview. Ellis got to talk to Meloni about loving Detective Stabler, how Ellis was in a movie and sucked at acting, and Meloni got to plug his new sticom, Surviving Jack. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship, even though Ellis thinks he pissed him off by being so gaga over Stabler even though Stabler hasn’t been on SVU in a while. But, seriously, let’s face facts, there’s no such thing as Law and Order SVU without Stabler…that show is, for all intents and purposes over. I encourage you to to listen to the interview on demand as my recap of the interview was basically me fangirling out of my face. Christopher Meloni wants to be on Children’s Hospital, is a dad, is fit, and is a hero to black people because he was Detective Stabler, and he is all for gay rights, called Johnny Depp ‘a cool cat’ (and I for real swooned because no young person calls anyone a cool cat), and…yeah. Yeah. No, I haven’t watched his new television show because I don’t watch tv anymore (except for The Walking Dead, The Following, and cartoons) but I may check it out on demand at some point because Meloni is a walking sexpot so far as I’m concerned. Yeah…like I said, check it out on demand because CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI.

After another break Katie is in the studio and she did the workout and the intro lines and she sounded sexy and wonderful and of course this is what Ellis should have done from the beginning. She went through the script twice and did a buttload of squats and…I wish I were cool enough to think that I could be in a position to want to be friends with her…but I’m not…so I prefer to just admire her from a distance and be like ‘i wish i were cool enough to want to be friends with her’. I love Katie. I love when she’s on the show, I love her instagram pics and her tweets…I’m a good stalker. The time that I commented on one of her pics and she commented back is a moment that I hold near and dear to my heart…it was like a year ago and I have yet to forget it. I don’t have a girl crush on her…but I really like her and think that she’s great. My crush is on @nikoort and I’m not afraid to say it. Boom. Anyway. After Katie does the workout and the intro they take a quick one song break to regroup and so she can catch her breath, and it’s time for the end of the show and some final calls. Ellis and Tully talk to a guy named Adam over skype who wants to be part of the biggest loser fight at EM10 and Ellis tells him that if he loses the most weight then he will find someone for him to fight. Also…anyone who’s trying for a biggest loser fight spot is the winner if they’re really going for it…because they are looking to better their lives and are gonna get more in shape and live longer…so woooooooooooo!!!! Final calls actually weren’t all that horrible and were interspersed with Ellis, Tully, Katie, Cumtard, and Wilson trying to come up with tortures for the Dice of Doom (basically the torture wheel on dice) and it all culminates with Cumtard getting karate kicked in the neck by Jason. Boom.

Things we learned on the show today (you missed this, admit it)

Tiggie saw Paranormal Activity 4 and has nightmares from it thanks to the bad thinking of Ellis’ ex brother in law :(

Will Sees Dead People

CumTard is back to pooping turds instead of rocket sharting diarrhea

Tully thinks Swamp Scottie is a character and not a real person

Group MMA Team Fighting is a really bad idea

#MadRespectPaulStanley

CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI

Christopher Meloni doesn’t scare black people at intersections…black people lurve him

Part of being in love is being afraid of losing the other person

Lemmy from Motorhead is a toadface and super unattractive sexually…but still fucks a lot of bitches

Tyler Posey ate at Chik-Fil-A, Ellis called him, TyPo took the pic off Instagram, and it was all no big deal and now TyPo knows not to eat there

Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new movie bombed…but it will surely be a cult classic

“You know I’m not lying when I say Motherfucker” – Jason Ellis

Show Recap for Thursday 3/20/2014

Posted on March 20, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Hey-oh!!! I finished listening to the show at like seven thirty for once…but due to the fact that I have a Hubbs and a Bub and a Pup to take care of…I still didn’t get a chance to start writing this thing until almost 11 at night. On the plus side…I found 40 bucks in the street tonight, so I’m going to go ahead and take that as Karma saying, “Keep fighting the good fight, bitch,” and keep doing what I’m doing. It would have been nicer to find a hundo…but beggars really can’t be choosers and I’m going to shut up about it before Karma thinks I’m ungrateful and my laptop crashes or something.

Opening up The Jason Ellis Show is that new intro that I’m sort of not really a hundred percent on, and neither is Ellis. According to him, it’s almost there, and he and Tully really love Aidan Ashley (who is the new voice on the intro) but it’s still a little bit lacking. To me…it’s still a lot lacking. I dunno…I turned to Hubbs after hearing it for the first time and said, “It sounds like she’s sad.” Because…she sounds like she’s sad. But, the good news is that Tully and Ellis both agree that there is indeed some more tweaking to be done before the show intro is where they want it and will be happy with it…at least for a while until they get the urge to change it again. They talk about perhaps sending out Kevin and Jetta to recruit people on the street to be featured reading from the script while working out, which brings Tully to the subject of working out in general. Tully tells Ellis and all of us that he started the Onnit Naked Challenge again this morning (after intending to do it for the past 5 months or so) and he did it in his backyard, which was embarrassing. Why did it make Tully so red in the face? Well, other than the fact that he was working out (if you aren’t getting all hot and sweaty then you just aren’t doing it right ladies and gentleman), there’s the fact that his wife’s office faces the backyard and he got super winded from doing the five minute exercise. Also, he spent the fifteen ensuing minutes walking around the house hiding from his wife while he recovered from the five minute workout, and he thought it was embarrassing because she sees buff guys at the gym. He does look at the brighter side and say that hopefully his wife sees it as, “well, at least he cares enough to try and get off his pudgy ass and is trying to get in shape”, or something like that. Ellis commiserates because, as we all know, he hasn’t been feeling on top of his game over the last couple of weeks and working out is hard. But it’s all about the big picture, guys, cause once Tully and Ellis get over their workout/fitness/bitchfest hump then their lives will be better for having had the struggle and the power to overcome. Yadda yadda…something inspirational.

This fitness talk spews into variety being the spice of life and the guys talking about whether they would pick a diet of bland food but the ability to sleep with a new woman every night over the tastiest diet of all time and having to be monogamous. Ellis doesn’t really see the allure of bland food and sex with a different girl every night, cause chances are you’ll be eating bland food and having bland sex. Tully says that, if he weren’t in the situation he were in (i.e. if he weren’t married and a daddy) he would choose the bland food and the endless sex buffet because he thinks it would be cool to just have sex with different chicks all of the time. Yeah, he knows that not all of them would be a ten in the sack, but I think he thinks it would be interesting because he would never really know what he was going to get. I mean, a bitch can talk all sorts of game and then lay in bed like a dead fish where a quiet little bunny turns into a fucking beast in the sack. That’s what I would find interesting about that deal and therefore I am attributing these thoughts to Tully as well, because he’s a deep thinker. Not to be mistaken, Tully does clarify that he is perfectly happy in the situation that he is in, but sometimes he likes to get all thoughtful and ponder the things that will never happen to him now that he has a ball and chain and baby to boot. They take a lot of calls at this point on love and relationships, hot sad wives, being stuck in a rut of dating the same kind of hot chick that never works out in the long run, and doing steroids and our favorite hosts dole out their winning advice of sounds like you need to move to a warm climate, try dating ugly chicks and stop meeting ladies at the bar, and don’t do steroids.

Steroids gets them back to talking about fitness because Tully says that he doesn’t think chicks are really into overly muscle-y dudes anymore. That was so totally an 80’s thing. And, speaking on behalf of the female population, no, we are not in to super muscle-y guys. Yeah, there are some chicks that dig that- mostly because they are probably super shallow and can’t find two neurons in their head to rub together long enough to get a synapse to fire and therefor just need something overtly manly to ogle and desire, but most chicks I know and most chicks I talk to…we want a regular guy. Yeah, it’s nice if you’re a fit guy who doesn’t get winded walking down the block, but guys with tons of muscles are horrible cuddlers. It’s like trying to get all mushy with a rock. A fresh chip of the boulder rock, not an ocean wave softened rock. But fitness has become a status symbol in society. It’s part of the package. You know that you’ve made it if you have a lot of money, have a good job, know how to dress yourself, drive a nice car, go out to schmancy restaurants, and are still fit. Fit is the cherry on top of the ‘you’re doing good in life’ sundae. I think it partly has to do with the fact that what is seen as ideal in society is often the thing that is hard to attain. Back in the day when lots of people were basically starving all of the time, being fat was the ‘in’ thing to do. People knew that you had it going on because you could afford to not only eat, but to indulge to the point where you were overweight while they continued digging their future grave in their backyard that would only ever get partially dug because they’d die from starvation in the process. Just like anorexia and bulimia are big in the fashion world because a model figure is seen as ideal…it is not something everyone can have and even the people who do have it try and kill themselves to maintain it. Now, we’re on a binge of fitness. Not really the worst thing ever. But it’s hard. It is hard to work all of the time, have a family, eat right, and get a workout in there. I know, because I’m the bitch who works out at home at midnight in her kids’ room cause he’s sleeping in my bed. So yeah..fitness equates with status. But also…sometimes you just want to eat pizza for dinner and then a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon the next morning. The struggle is real.

Back from the break, Tully let’s us know that, at some point, they will be doing the Unsigned Bands segment again on the show and if you have an unsigned band and want to send in some tunes, send it to submittoellis@gmail.com and maybe you’ll hear your band get made fun of on the radio. Or, you may even hear your band get a rare ‘hey, this isn’t completely shitty’ type of shout out. Also, Ellis and Tully have put out the call for props to have in the studio for guests to take instagram pictures with, so if you have something that you think they would like, please feel free to send them a picture and or description of that item to the above email address as well.

It’s time for, what may very well be, my favorite game on the show!!! The Etsy Thing! Which there is no intro for, so Wilson, where are you?!?!? Say some shit and let’s throw an intro together. What? What’s that Will? You don’t like doing intros and think that it’s embarrassing? But you’re so good at them! No one does them like you do (except for maybe THC, but he’s basically cheating by being as awesome as he is) and this game has been played a handful of times and needs an intro! Eventually Will spits some wonderful phrases out for an intro in return for Jetta doing a guest HateBean song, which he doesn’t completely suck at doing- but I had a way better idea for a chorus than the shit that he spewed, for the record, and now it actually is time for the Etsy Thing. The Etsy Thing, for anyone who doesn’t know, is when the guys have to guess what a random item on Etsy (on online store for random homemade shit) is being sold for. The items today were:

A hanging hairless cat bat sculpture for the lowlow price of $40
A fart in a jar for the bargain of $54
A magical living god ring that brings luck and genie wishes for $3000
A Camo/Hunter Orange knitted cock cozy for $12 (a steal!!!!)
A Fecal Love Mixtape with Authentic Pubic Hair for $17.14
Petrified Whale Vertebrae for $70
Prehistoric Fossil Poop for $12
A Taxidermy Toad coin purse for $25 (but you can’t have it, Ellis bought it)
Cock and Balls Catnip holding dick for $20
Crochet Boob Pillow with hand and nipple ring for $38
Alien Sex Business Card Holder for $9.99 (Tully swooped in and bought that one)
The Original Boob Scarf for $25
Hand Crafted Wood Flogger for $139.99

Ellis won the game and there were a lot of good and bad guesses and they were all pretty neck and neck up until the end. Tully is overall the best at the game, in my opinion, because he goes all deep into the mind of the Etsy folk and usually only gets a point snagged because he’s over when other people are off but under. That’s what she said. Maybe. But probably not. Before the break Tully rattles off some props that they may be interested in for instagram photos which include a conehead, chimp hands, blonde mullet wig, Viking helmet, hot dog hat, and battlesword.

Back from the second break Tully tells us that CumTard introduced him to a new genre of music that he is pretty sure a genuine attempt at creating a new genre and isn’t a joke. The genre is gay rap and the movement is being fronted by a rapper from Louisiana named Fly Young Red with his latest single called ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’ the video of which Ellis wouldn’t want his children to see because he doesn’t want to have to explain that to them yet. Upon saying this, Ellis thinks about how there is the existing double standard because if there were girls in place of the guys in the video he wouldn’t think twice about letting his children watch it, but if this video came on while his kids were in the living room he would get up and change the channel. Tully thinks that’s perfectly acceptable because there’s a difference between being against homosexuality and whatnot and not wanting to have to explain something to your kids just yet. Tully then brings up ‘The Gay Agenda’ and honestly, I’m not even touching that. I hate that phrase in genera for its inherent negative connotations. Gay people aren’t trying to take over the world, guys, they’re just trying to live in it.

Now…time for Hollywood News! There’s a lot going on in Hollywood, first on the list being that Pamela Anderson has come out and said that her children (who are 16 and 17) now know that she has a sex tape. They have not seen it, because no one wants to see their mom in that position…ever…but they do know that it exists. Tully brings up how it seems that there were more sex tapes being leaked back when you had to make a sex tape with an actual camcorder, as opposed to now where everyone has a perfectly capable camera in their pocket on the phone. Ellis thinks it’s because camera phones and phones are a major downer in the sack, but a camcorder makes you feel like you’re making a porno. Joe Francis (The Girls Gone Wild Guy) has said that he and his chick are ready to have a baby. Well…what if he has a girl? Ellis doesn’t think it matters either way because he’s pretty sure that Joe Francis plans on spending very little time with his child and is just ‘ready to have a baby’ to make his chick, who is super hot, happy. Mace…or Mase…or…I dunno, but he was a rapper turned religious guy turned rapper turned religious guy again back in the day and then fell off the radar, but he’s back in the news. He and his wife have a book and built a whole church and business about how to have a marriage as happy as theirs, and TMZ just recently discovered that Mace/Mase filed for divorce last year. The couple appear to have patched it up and are still together…but lol…have a marriage as good as ours that almost completely fell apart!!! Although, you can also look at it as…they’re marriage was about to end, but they managed to work it out and are still together. That’s called optimism, I believe. In some sad news, L’Wren Scott was found hanged in her apartment and her death has been ruled a suicide. She was a model/fashion designer, as well as being in a 12 year relationship with Mick Jagger, who was devastated by the news of her death. There are a lot of rumors surrounding her suicide, including her company being millions in the hole, Mick Jagger breaking up with her (which he denies), and The Rolling Stones hating her. Whatever the reason, it’s sad news, so I’m not going to make any jokes about it.

Back from the third break Tyler Posey, newest member of Death Death Die is in the studio. He is pumped to be back hanging out with Ellis and Tully and is even wearing a Wolfknives shirt, which is beyond awesome…and now…all of a sudden, the influx of really young sounding callers over the past couple of months is making more and more sense. TyPo chats with Ellis about Teen Wolf and is super happy that Ellis watches it, and they talk about him being in the band playing the Keytar, then get him to riff on the keytar and they share some stories, most notably one where Ellis tells about how the Burn Out King pulled off the Ultimate Burn Out in honor of Ellis’ father after he died and it was the burn out to end all burn outs. It was a pretty touching story, all things considered, and you could tell that it really meant a lot to Ellis. TyPo was a great, adorable guest, and although I can’t tell him from a hole in the wall I followed him on Instagram when Ellis tagged him in a photo cause if Ellis likes him, he can’t be all that bad, right?

Things we learned on the show today:

Devin has a bladder infection and Ellis was up at 345 AM meanwhile the Mummy slept until 11

Rick is a lovely guy

Women hate when you say “All women…”

Ellis is getting his RCH bike tomorrow

Valhalla Rising was a sick Viking movie #mudrape

It’s the Mexrichauns fault the TV keeps shutting off

Ken Block has a barbecue on his truck better than the one at your house

Vikings made awesome swords 800 years before anyone else did

You knew you were in with Dee if she brought you a bowl of nuts

Ellis had to put together Devin’s Heely’s and that’s pretty fucked up

The shocker should not be your go to sex move

James Franco doesn’t smoke weed

All Australians can do the best burn outs ever

Tiggie things a period is something that makes your butt explode in your pants

TyPo wants Ellis to dock him (and yeah…I had to google wtf that meant)

Hardcore’s girlfriend wants to have sex with TyPo

TyPo and Ellis both have dagger tattoos…cause they’re brothers, duh

Will’s life is made up of Pink Floyd, Lanyards, and Beans

Show Recap for Thursday 2/13/2014

Posted on March 13, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show where Jason’s brain may be falling out of the side of his ear. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. For the record, Tully thinks he sounds fine and normal, so maybe this is all just a false alarm and Jason’s brain is still fully attached to the inside of his head. Even though brains are sort of floaty and only attached by the brainstem and some flimsy membranes. But whatever. It’s probably still in there. Ellis has been playing a game on his phone but he has finished all of the levels and completely owned it because he’s awesome (seriously, there are two books about just how awesome he is) but he is wanting some more levels from it because no, he doesn’t want to get another game. It’s a racing game. Mad skills. Something like that. I dunno…I don’t play phone games and I tried this new thing today where I tried to listen to the show without pressing the pause button because that’s what seems to fuck up my app for SiriusXM and I therefore took about a quarter of the notes that I usually do and most of this is pure recall mixed in with the profanity that I spew while driving all day long. Tully plays a video game on his Wii and it’s Mario Kart and he seems to think that says something negative about him, but fuck that, because if you’re going to own a Nintendo and you’re mostly only playing one game…that game should be Mario Kart. He plays Mario Kart online a lot because it’s more of a challenge, but it’s also eye opening because he mostly plays against 7 year olds from Japan and there are a lot of them that he can’t beat. Some callers call about Ellis playing his phone game and he should play online because that’s how you unlock more boards, but there is one guy who says not to play online because it’s a bunch of 15 year olds talking shit to get you riled up. Ellis likes that there would be 15 year olds talking shit to him because he thinks that a 15 year old talking legitimate shit would be hilarious.

In other news, Ellis isn’t feeling too hot and he might be dying, but probably not, but his doctor should be calling him at some point today to let him know if he is dying and if he is what he could do. Tully is kind of also not on top of his game because he had some cocktails last night to fight a bout of mini insomnia and he feels bad about it because he had decided to quit drinking during the week and if he cheats he thinks it throws all of the good away. But he wasn’t sad drinking, he was delighted while he was drinking because if you’re going to go for something, then you may as well go all in. Ellis doesn’t have the kiddies this weekend, which is probably a good thing since he isn’t feeling too on top of his game, but it is Devin’s birthday this weekend and there is going to be a party. Ellis isn’t too clear on the party details, but he’s going even if he isn’t invited, because he’s the Daddy and the Daddy is always invited. He has to go shopping for her present tomorrow night and while from the outside it seems like it should be easy, but Ellis says that it can be kind of hard because she’s young and young kids see too many commercials and want stupid shit. I think it’s safe to say that she is not going to get rollerblades or Heely’s. Just saying. Ellis thinks that he is going to get her a new present and also do her room up a little bit because he just re-did Tiggie’s room and he thinks that Devin would like some new stuff to hang on her walls other than a giant painting by Grant Cobb. I think he’s right about that considering that one-she is a girl and girls love changing shit around randomly (I know because I am one and my friends and I used to reorganize and redecorate our rooms on a weekly basis for fun because girls are batshit insane and half lame when we’re growing up), and two- she did a mini revamp of her room by herself and moved her bed around all weird.

The show somehow segued into talking about being bald, hair loss, hair transplants, wigs, man wigs, and which celebrities have fake hair. The celebs that they talk about that Tully and Ellis believe have fake hair are John Travolta, Bruce Jenner, David Spade, Steven Segal, Nikki Six, and Tom Brady. They all have really good fake hair except for Bruce Jenner who has two separate hair lines and it’s so bad that even Tully can tell, and he admittedly is not the best at pointing out people who have had help in the hair department. Ellis thinks that it would be cool to have really good fake hair and he would like to have it for a week or so at a time so long as it looked good. He would be good advertising for a hair replacement place because, as Tully says, Ellis is the kind of guy who would admit that he has fake hair and tell everyone where he got it done. But, on the flip side of that, if Ellis got fake hair from somewhere and it didn’t live up to his expectations he would probably blast the shit out of it and no one would ever want to go to that hair place again. There are a bunch of callers who talk about being bald, their bald friends, and the places that they went to get fake hair, and a lady calls who used to attach the really good hair pieces to people for a living and she said they use wood glue which sounds super weird to me. Want my opinion? If you are losing your hair, just bic that shit, guys with no hair are fucking hot as hell and if you keep it tight I might ask to lick your head.

Back from the break Tully lets us know that a man in Northern England mysteriously lost his penis near a rest stop and the police shit down the highway to do a ‘fingertip search’ of the area while trying to find this poor guys schlong. Why is this mysterious? Well, we don’t know how the guy lost his dick (unfriendly rest stop glory hole, mayhaps?), and the cops (Or Bobbies as they are called in England and I wanted to be able to call them Bobbies) will neither confirm nor deny that they have found the missing member. Poor guy. Or not. The poor guy is in a medically induced coma and most likely is not aware that he is still missing his penis. Ellis agrees with the decision to put the guy on ice, because if he had his cock chopped off he for sure would want to be put on ice because what is the point of living without your cock??!?!?!?!?!?!?! I sure as hell don’t know the answer to that because I don’t have one…and I can’t exactly lose my vagina because it’s a hole. Boom. Advantage female gonads. Add that to the list of being way more discrete when aroused and being more fun to play with!

There is no good way to go from talking about chopped off cocks to Rob Dyrdek, so, let’s just start talking to Rob! There’s no more Fantasy Factory, ladies and gentleman. It’s over. Not really because there was one more new episode on tonight, but it’s already happened even though it hadn’t happened yet when they were talking about it, and we all know that Fantasy Factory will live on forever in the land of replays on MTV and MTV2. The interview with Rob was really good and really long and I took about 5 lines worth of notes so I will not be doing it justice and I highly recommend trying to catch the interview on the replay in the morning, or download and listen to it on demand. But anyway, although there will be no more new Fantasy Factory, Rob has a new show of some sort on Fox Sports One involving street skating and it seems to me to be a competition, legitimate sports show that will be an ongoing thing as opposed to a Fantasy Factory/Ridiculousness venture, but it’s awesome that it’s going to be on Fox Sports One because that’s a big deal. Apparently, while all of this was in the works Rob made a call to Dana White (you know, the UFC guy) and asked him to put in a good word for him over at FS1 to which Dana White responded, “Fuck yeah! I’ll call you right back,” and then called him right back and said, “you’re good”. Must be fantastic to have that powerhouse of a fucking human being backing you. Ellis should call Dana White and see if he can get on tv because it’s really only one phone call away. All kidding aside, Rob Dyrdek himself is a powerhouse of a fucking human being who has a great mind for business and branding and is obsessed with his career and may never get married. Wait, what? Ellis asked Rob if he has a girlfriend, which he does not, as he has broken up with the girlfriend pictured on his instagram. Or maybe she broke up with him once she realized that he wasn’t going to marry her. He may never get married because he’s going the Clooney route and is super focused on his career and is not in a rush to settle down with someone because he is not normal. I’m not calling him not normal or abnormal, he called himself that, and frankly, marriage isn’t for everyone and I don’t think that finding marriage less than desirable is all that abnormal. Especially for a rich guy. If shit doesn’t work out with a girl and you’re rich and married, half of your hard earned fucking money goes to her because she agreed to fuck you and then probably stopped fucking you. A man like Dyrdek has a lot on the line for bullshit like that. The other problem may also be that he isn’t dating the right girl because Ellis points out that he tends to date dime pieces who, although super hot, probably don’t match him on an intellectual level. Rob agrees that the perfect girl for him would be a smart girl who is also a dime piece (sorry, I’m taken) and maybe one day he will get married, but maybe not. They talk about Ellis and Wolfknives and getting shit in order and how Ellis could be so much bigger than he already is, but he might want to look into getting a business partner and surrounding himself with more business minded people who can help to execute the awesome ideas that Ellis has. Rob also had a lot of nice things to say about the Crypt Keeper, who also goes by Larry King, saying that he had a deep interview with him and Larry King is a genius. However, he did mention that some time after the interview he did with Larry King they ran into each other at a restaurant and King introduced him as a ‘big snowboarder’. SMH. Even I know that he’s a skateboarder and to be honest, the only other skateboarder I can name is Tony Hawk. They talk a bit about being famous and getting hounded by fans and paparazzi, which doesn’t happen all that much to Rob because he manages to be a low key guy and he knows how to play the game and doesn’t show up at the places where papas are constantly standing watch for famous people to annoy. It also gets brought up that Rob was a huge designed for DC shoes, which I didn’t know but Hubbs did (he basically only wears DC’s), and I thought it was funny cause the Bub just got his first pair of DC’s. Those fucking things were more expensive somehow than the ones that Joe wears, which makes no sense to me because they’re about a fifth the size, but, whatever. But you know what? Rob Dyrdek is awesome, he’s a powerhouse, and if you want to believe that you can do anything, check out the empire that this guy built.

Back from the break there’s another guest in the studio and her name is Alyssa Sutherland and she is from the show that Ellis currently loves on the History Channel called Vikings. And…I dunno if it was just me, but this interview was super fucking awkward. Like. It was bad. Not the interview. The awkwardness. I don’t really think anyone gave Alyssa the heads up on what kind of show The Jason Ellis Show is, but she was pretty touchy about a lot of things. It fascinated me. Like, how did no one tell this bitch what this is all about? It’s like throwing a seal into a tank with a shark and telling the seal that it’s just another fish. Damn. Just…damn. Alyssa is an Aussie who won’t tell Ellis or Tully how old she is, and she used to be a model but is an actress now. She didn’t like being a model all that much because she said it was mind-numbing, but she really enjoys acting and doesn’t like discussing her personal life, which Ellis found out real quick when he asked her if she were single. *Hiss hiss* I don’t know…maybe I just don’t like her. Ellis talks a lot about how she’s super hot, but even manages to offend her with that, and…I really didn’t like her that much. There. I said it. She’s not my kind of girl. Maybe it’s her publicists fault. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. They manage to talk about the show she’s on a little bit, they talk about Vikings in real life, she doesn’t like cats, she used to be in gymnastics…yaddayadda. I can’t. I didn’t like her. Hubbs laughed a couple times, but he didn’t hear the first ten minutes or so of her being on…so I’m not going with him on this one. Ellis straight out called her touchy and Tully said she was being overly defensive…and I agree. She needs to roll with the punches a bit more and then she’ll probably go far. She ended the interview with him by saying, “Thanks for having me and asking weird questions.” Whatever, bitch.

Wrapping up the show there is some Hollywood News involving Rocky- The Musical. Ellis and Tully are not fans of musical theater. At all. They think it’s for old rich people who still think that’s a valid form of entertainment. And now I’m going to get all defensive. Who likes that shit? I like that shit. A lot. I know it’s geeky and dorky and ‘Oh God, you’re one of those‘ but I am a straight up Musical/Theater junkie. I would totally sign up for a life where people broke out into song and dance on a daily basis for next to no reason because THAT SHIT IS FUCKING AMAZING! I have showtunes on my ipod. I acted in them all throughout school as well as doing some outside productions, I have friends who majored in Musical Theater in college, are on Broadway (or Off-Broadway), and full on make a living out of it. Musicals are hands down the shit. And you know what? My daddy digs musicals and so far as I am concerned, he is the voice of God, so that’s all the proof I need that Musicals are next level amazeballs. Matthew McConnaughey talked to Snuffaluffagus (the Canadian Greek Dr. Drew) about how he came up with his ‘Alright, alright, alright’ catch phrase, and Ellis commented about how seeing actors as they really are ruin it for him, and they talk about how George Lopex told Ellen that he has quit drinking after passing out on the floor of a casino. Before you know it, it’s final calls, and people can’t talk on phones.

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellisfam Tom was on KCAL9 wearing a Death Death Die T-shirt

There’s something going on outside of the studio- lots of emergency vehicles

Weird Al’s parents died from Carbon Monoxide poisoning and that’s super sad

Any problem can be solved using Ellisfam Google

Cullen is a Bitter Baldy

CumTard is super pumped about his Rogaine shampoo

Rob Dyrdek is so amazing that Ellis even says it when he isn’t around

Rob Dyrdek is going to die at the age of 105 after being shot into space at 104 and hanging out there for a while

Rob Dyrdek is never going to be sold on getting a prostate exam. Ever.

Ellis used to want to achieve ‘paparazzi on his dick’ level fame, but is glad that he doesn’t have to deal with them

NYC turns you into a heartless, tunnel vision, asshole (allegedly)

Alyssa Sutherland was starstruck by Rob Dyrdek

There are creepy dudes in Tully’s neighborhood and his doors are seriously locked

Final caller is so right about Long Island, New York loving TJES (I know, cause that’s where I’m from, you go caller guy)

Final callers really suck still

If you’re going to cheat on your wife, get divorced, you’ll wind up being less of an asshole

Floyd Mayweather may have kidnapped and beaten some guys he thought stole jewelry from his house

Rich people are rich so they can ingest disgusting things like caviar and champagne

Kool Aid is way tastier than Champagne

So yeah…hopefully next week I’ll be back to taking notes because I’m not super happy about how this turned out. It may also be that I kind of am hating on Alyssa Sutherland. I don’t hate her, but I think I’m taking out some of my bad mood from yesterday on her. I’m sure she’s a lovely human being…but I would also really like to see a video of her getting blasted in the face by a potato during a food fight. Just sayin.

Show recap for Thursday 3/6/2014

Posted on March 6, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Goodness gracious me…I’m currently in a slight birthday cake coma. It was an Oreo Cookie ice cream cake that the Fat Kid picked out and I had ice cream on Sunday which puts my ice cream intake at a 200% increase compared to my normal ice cream eating habits. No, I’m not a normal person- I don’t really like ice cream that much. I’m also lactose intolerant so that might have something to do with it. I’m also mildly colorblind and I’m allergic to Tylenol and Aspirin. Wait, what? You didn’t come here to read about me? Whatever. I see how it is. Just another female to be used and abused by the predominantly male fan base of that guy you’re actually here to read about. I’m used to it.

On to that guy who talks on the radio every day (I only talk here once a week, why not get to know me a bit- I have boobies…he doesn’t)…Ellis opens up the show talking about how if you’re really not that good you should find something that you’re good at and milk that slot for everything that it’s worth. Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either but, Ellis, like me, is beautiful and in case you didn’t know- beautiful people like us don’t have to make sense. Really he’s talking about how he watched a movie and it was a good movie up until the end, and it probably would have been a better movie if the actor guy who’s that guy from that other movie that Ellis couldn’t stand was better at doing his job. It comes out that the movie was called Oldboy and the actor guy from that other movie (Jonah Hex) is called Josh Brolin and he’s a big deal in Hollywood and he’s probably only really able to get away with being a big deal because he’s handsome. One of the big beef’s that Ellis had with the movie was that the effects weren’t good cause at the end of the movie it was supposed to be twenty years later and Brolin came out looking younger than he did when he went in. That’s not right. Oldboy is also apparently the remake of some other movie which may or may not also be called Oldboy and Tully’s chick and CumTard are big fans of the original. Ellis suggests that someone should make a remake of the remake and make it suck less because if it sucked less it would be fucking amazing.

Speaking of movies and actors and visual affects and whatnot, Mr. Will Pendarvis himself comes into the studio to chime in on the subject because he watches True Detective and that show is the ish, mate. Do people still say that? ‘The ish’? I never really got it, but then again, people may have never said it and that could be one of the many, many lies that I tell on a daily basis that I think it the truth because on top of being sort of colorblind, lactose intolerant, and allergic to the most common painkillers known to man…I’m a bit crazy (but I assure you it’s mostly in that sexy, crazy, freak in the sheets kind of way). Anyway, Will says that True Detective is a great TV show and if they can make Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson look older and younger and fatter and thinner and whacked out on smack for television than they should be able to make that other guy look older for that movie called Oldboy. I mean…Old is even in the title, so you think they’d put in some effort there. Will then says that he thought McConnaughey looked golden and glowing like an Oscar while he was accepting his golden statue whom he probably lovingly calls ‘Ozzie’ and Ellis is no longer the biggest fan of McConnaughey in the room. However, Tully and Ellis call Wills sweet reminisce of McConnaughey (typing that name over and over is doing horribly things to my typing rhythm) being a golden god into question and Will challenges them to cue up some photographic evidence. And, wouldn’t ya know…he kind of does look overly dewy and golden and they must have put a ton of stage makeup on him before he went up to be on stage. Go figure. This all spirals into lots of McConnaughey talk- he’s awesome, he’s at the peak of his career, he’s awesome, he’s the new (albeit old) blood leading man that Hollywood needs right now, he’s awesome, he’s awesome, Surfer Dude, awesome, and really…I don’t want to type his name out again for a while. I do agree with Tully saying that the current Hollywood leading men are getting kind of stale because what more are we really going to see of DiCaprio, Pitt, Cruise, Clooney, etc., that we haven’t seen already? I mean, yeah, they are all great actors and they all have great range…but…none of them are pumping out anything that we haven’t seen before and McConnaughey (goddammit) is pushing the envelope and putting out some of the best stuff of his entire career. Go MM! Going to the phones there’s a caller who suggests Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf, DDD! Keytarist) as the next big thing in Hollywood, cause, why the fuck not, but he didn’t have any evidence or gossip, he was just throwing the name out there in the hopes of Beetleguiceing him into super Hollywood fame-dom. This gets the guys on the subject of Posey and the MTV version of Teen Wolf that he is currently killing it on a week to week basis and how MTV Teen Wolf is super dark and full of drama and murder and very unlike the 80’s Michael J. Fox version. Tully brings up that maybe the original script, the one that we have never got to see obvi, could have been filled with murder, Tenn Wolf dunking heads on the basketball court, raping cheerleaders (yikes, I hope not, I’d rather imagine some freaky/furry consensual sex but that’s just me), and all around carnage throughout the basketball season. It’s not that big of a stretch, motherfucker was a legit werewolf. More TV talk about how tv has gotten sweet and movies are going downhill. Tully postulates that Hollywood movies are looking to make the big budget ‘one size fits all’ filibusters that are going to bring in billions on a worldwide market and part of the price you pay for that is overall quality so far as plot and character development (which is you know, what makes a good movie actually good) whereas TV has all the benefits of the good technology, but is only looking to meet the demand of our country. TV has become a niche market and is getting better and better. I’ll take their word for it, because I really don’t watch television (see…fucking crazy bitch right here). A first time listener named Bob, Welcome Bob, called in to tell Ellis that he is hooked and he will continue listening, and thanks for talking about crazy, rapey, murder Teen Wolf werewolf, and well, then, that got awkward fast, but thanks for listening Bob! There is some talk about Law and Order SVU and basically getting the entire cast to come on the show and then go on to chit chat about some of the shows that Tully watches that Ellis should check out like Broad City and Louie. Oh…and there is some race in a desert happening next weekend. Sorry…Racing really doesn’t do it for me. It’s the Mint 400 or 500 or something and there’s gonna be a Tequila truck and Kenda Perez should be Ellis’ imaginary navigator in the happy place where Ellis is actually participating in the event, so that when they got stranded he could bang her, but make sure she knew that it was her idea so that she couldn’t be mad at him afterward.

Back from the break Dr. Drew Pinsky is joining Ellis and Tully in the studio (yayyyyyyyy!!!! I LOVE Dr. Drew!!!) They start the segment off talking about a recent decision handed down by Massachusetts legal system that a man who was taking ‘upskirt’ photos of women was within his legal rights. Why? Well, because their Peeping Tom laws have a big loophole in the wording and state something along the lines of ‘well, bitches aren’t naked so…’ and Dr. Drew thinks that it is fucking insanity. I agree. Hubbs disagreed. Yeah. I know. I was driving when he said this and I almost swerved off the goddamn road. We got into an argument over it. Full on, half hour debate about it where the words, “This is the first time you have actually ever disgusted me” came out of my mouth (his response, “Really? The first time?”) and I was furious and refused to talk to him about it further. That whole silence thing lasted about two and a half minutes because I HAD to understand his point of view on this. His argument was that he thought it was good that Massachusetts ruled based on the existing law because the judicial system can get out of control handing down punishments based on loose interpretations of the written law. He also thinks upskirt photos are hot. Feeling like I no longer knew the man sitting beside me, I went further into the discussion because I just had to understand. Had to. I mean, I know what this man is going to say before he knows usually, and I felt like this was out of left field. It comes down to, no- no one should have their privacy invaded, no one should have photos taken up their skirt/dress without agreeing to it (he is of the opinion that porn star/wanna be porn star upskirts are hot, which I am perfectly fine with and in agreement with), and yeah, he would murder someone who did something like that to me. Thank fucking gods, because for a second there, I was really freaked the fuck out. As of this afternoon Massachusetts did pass a law which banned the act of taking ‘upskirt’ pictures in Massachusetts where the subject was unaware that they were being the object of someone’s fetish. Back to what happened on the show and not in my life (and I’m still of the opinion that you’re a bit nutty if you don’t wanna know what goes on in my life) Dr. Drew thinks this whole upskirt fiasco is just as insane as this spoiled little bitch who is suing her parents for child support, college support, and ‘I’m an asshole’ support in New Jersey. Nothing more on the subject was talked about because Dr. Drew mentioned how he wanted Ellis to be on the show so bad for the upskirt thing, but he wasn’t going to be on (the hot Attorney that Ellis would like to bone is on instead) and they get side tracked and never come back to the subject.

Instead they start talking about how they are a good gay couple. Haha. Seriously though. That wasn’t actually a joke, it was said by Ellis and Drew and I’m pretty sure everyone was in agreement. It happened because when Ellis asked Drew how he was doing, the good doc answered that he was feeling ‘weirdly emotional’ and Ellis pointed out that he’s always emotional, which is good, but he’s kind of like a woman. Dr. Drew took no offense to this because he thinks that women are more evolved and plain old better versions of people than the male counterpart (girl power, yo), and he thinks that he and Ellis pair up well because Ellis has brutal manliness that balances his girliness out rather nicely. Aw. Yay love! They chitchat about Drew’s show and his podcasts for a bit and Dr. Drew says he wants his show to be successful, but it’s also important for him to have it as a base for getting information out there to help people, because that’s why he got in the game. He’s passionate about things and gets fired up about things and talks over people (on accident) not just because the producers tell him to do so, but because he really fucking cares. And..

…and nothing. My app is fucked. I tried everything. I had a bit of a breakdown. But you made it this far and I’m going to assume that you have been thusly entertained because I’m fucking amazeballs, so I’m choosing now to tell you that although I managed to get the app working again for a while, it shit out again for the last hour of the show as well, so…I don’t know what happened. I’ll be waiting for the on demand/morning replay like the rest of you people out there. I am genuinely upset about it, but the other wonderful writers of this site told me to calm down, play with my boobies, and get some hugs from Hubbs (or something like those things) because it’s okay. Shit happens. And…that’s why I love writing here. Yes, I love the show, yes I love writing, but these guys…they’re solid, wonderful people who I can write a really unnecessarily long email to whining about things and they cyber hug me back into my happy place. Boom. I’m super sad I missed Dr. Drew. I love him. I never watch him on tv or listen to his podcasts (big fan I am, right?) but I’ve read a couple of his books (because I’m a geek and also because my sister was an abnormal psych major and I read every book she did, because I’m a geek) and I fricking loved them.

Back from the break (/broken siriusXM app of doom from hellshitfucker) it’s time to talk about that date that Mr. Kevin Kraft went on with Alexa the Pornstar. Because yes folks, he did bang her, and yeah…he’s going to see her again once she’s back from New York. The story goes that Alexa was on the show with Dilleon Harper and AJ and another pornstar whose name I do not recall and did not catch and Kevin knew her publicist, Laney, and Laney then suggested that Alexa do his podcast. She agreed and she and Kevin hit if off (or at least she didn’t hate him) and bonded over death metal bands and video games and she did the podcast and then still didn’t hate him. So he mentioned that there was a concert that weekend and asked if she was going. She wasn’t but he tried to schmooze some tickets as an inside guy and failed miserably. But, she went and got her own ticket and they went to the show together anyway. Before the show, Alexa had even texted him during the week to come and hang out, but Kevin declined because he’s CumTard and doesn’t party it up during the week because he’s a big boy and has a job to do. Tully and Ellis took offense to this because it’s kind of his job to go out with a pornstar and come in the next morning with a great story about it. Really, he’s not the most organized human being ever, so how bad would staying out too late really fuck his job performance? Anyway…so they went to this concert together and hung out with some of her friends there and the party wound up back at CumTard’s apartment because Alexa invited her friends there because she was too wasted to remember that they were her friends, not his, and he was too wasted to say no to someone who has a cookie. The party was pretty rowdy, CumTard and Alexa wound up getting locked out of his room after they had already been inside of it because her friend came in and starting boning some dude on the floor and Alexa didn’t want to hear her friend making sex noises. Some callers and Will had a problem with that because she’s in porn and shouldn’t she be used to it? But I get it and here is my perspective on that. Yeah, Alexa is in porn and her friend may or may not also be in porn and if she is they quite possibly have been in porn together and heard each other making porn sex noises…but…this wasn’t porn. This was real life, not acting in a porn movie. Those were real sex noises that her friend was making not the ‘laying it on thick’ noises that pornstars make for the sake of porn. Sex, no matter what kind of sex, is an intimate sort of thing and really, the only sex noises I want to hear that aren’t coming out of speakers are my own…I wouldn’t want to hear any of my friend’s sex noises. I mean…I’ve heard some random people’s and even that was kind of awkward. My sex noises are fantastic…but I doubt any of my close girlfriends want to hear me being fucked. I was at my biffle’s house on Saturday and yeah, I showed her my tits and she showed me hers and we talked…but I don’t wanna know what she sounds like when she’s getting pounded. So…anyway…Kevin was drunk, Alexa was drunk, there were people fucking in his room, some guy wound up peeing in a cranberry juice jug and Sunday must have sucked while he was cleaning up the multitudes of used condoms and slippery sex juice doorknobs and jugs of random stranger piss. But…he seemed alright with it. Tully thinks he was taken advantage of. I don’t know. He’s Cumtarded. He didn’t have sex with Alexa that night because by the time they got into bed she wasn’t in the mood, but he did have sex with her the night before, and it was good and she was in control and they had sex in a few different positions. He wore a condom, she didn’t suck his dick, and he said it lasted around ten minutes. I’m assuming they both enjoyed it as they are still talking and have plans to see each other again, so I’m going to say congratulations to CumTard for being the only person to take advantage of the fact that he’s on a big satellite radio show other than Ellis.

What we learned on half of The Jason Ellis Show Today:

Matthew McConnaughey is sweet

J Lo keeps her boys’ moisturized

Woody Harrelson is living a sweet life

On screen couples probably bone at least once in real life, to get it out of the way, but the women are probably weird about it afterward

You need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf

Tully has a hard time keeping his classic movie monsters death methods straight

Jason Mamoa wanted to hang out with Ellis at the Chateau Marmont

Richard Belzer is a sick cunt (and that’s a compliment)

Matthew McConnaughey in Dallas Buyer’s Club made Tom Hanks in Philadelphia look like he had the common cold

You can’t drink through the drunk

Al Bundy having a black belt is old news, but Modern Family doesn’t suck

Dr. Drew thinks Piers Morgan is misunderstood

Bindy Irwin is teaming up with SeaWorld and is a sellout because her mother is an American

Death by snake is the worst death by animal ever

Sex with CumTard is exactly what you’d think it is- Very Awkward

35% of porn broadcast in Canada has to be made in Canada

Don’t punch girls in the face during sex unless you know what you’re doing on a BDSM level and you’re both way into it

The girls who really want anal are the ass whores who bring it up to you

Ellis is officially old because he was too busy to have sex with a pornstar

Hockey all day, Porn all night- Oh, Canada

Show Recap for Thursday 2/27/2014

Posted on February 27, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Has it been a week already? Yeah. It has. Deal with it- I’m back :)
And speaking of ladies…Ellis opens up the show with some applause and he welcomes the gentlemen and ladies out there listening to The Jason Ellis Show. Especially the ladies, because he knows that there are some ladies listening, even if some of those ladies are listening to purposefully make themselves angry and pissed off and get them all bent out of shape for nothing and…do ladies really do shit like that? Yeah, probably, it wouldn’t surprise me. I mean, there are always those people who are more ‘happy’ when they are miserable…but…it makes me shake my head at the human race, on behalf of…the rest of the human race. Speaking of ladies again…Tully has some thoughts on fat chicks. Apparently Tully off-hand noticed what seems to be a regular maneuver for some of the heavier set ladies, and upon noticing and then purposefully looking for it he has concluded that overweight ladies tend to pull the backs of their shirts down subconsciously (probably) throughout the day (but especially when getting off of the elevator) because (he thinks) that they are self conscious about their appearance because they are aware that they are overweight and that makes him sad for them because no one wants to walk around feeling self conscious all of the time. Will comes in to the studio to weigh in on this issue because he is a fat lady and he confirms Tully’s suspicious. He says that the back of the shirt pull is a move that overweight people do to in order to make sure that their fat rolls aren’t hanging out and offending people. I’m going to interject my opinion here, so, warning- I know for a fact that I pull the back of my shirt down on the reg throughout the day. I actually have a combo move where I pull down the back of my shirt and hike up my pants by the belt loops. I am not an overweight lady (in case you were wondering). So why do I do it? I do it because I am a lady shaped lady and I have thighs of thunder and when I walk they pull my pants down (double this if I’m wearing knee socks because it makes it worse). I don’t wear a belt because I think belts suck, I don’t have fat rolls that hang out, but I am aware that my pants are slightly being tugged out of position and I want to put them back where they belong, and then I have to tug my shirt down because my feathers are all ruffled from fixing my pants.

But anyway…Will pulls the back of his shirt down because he’s overweight and he doesn’t want to offend the public with his fleshy Wilson rolls. Ellis says that he understands because when he’s ‘fat’ he wears big hoodies and hides in them, or he wears a tight t-shirt and a jacket, because that’s how Benji Madden taught him how to dress when he’s fat, because Benji was a fat kid and was good at dressing himself so that he didn’t appear as heavy as he was. The trick? Wearing a fitting t-shirt and a jacket. You should always wear clothes that fit you if you want to look your best. Will asks Ellis how he should dress to hide his fat and Ellis tells him to just keep on keepin on because he hides his fat well. Good job, Wilson, you don’t look like a big bag of shit. *claps* This then turns into a conversation about being healthy, eating healthy, and looking your best, or not. Tully asks Will what he eats on a daily basis and Will doesn’t want to talk about it at first because it’s terrible. He only eats two meals a day (which blows Ellis’s mind) and he usually chows down on a PB&J during the day at some point and for dinner has some sort of chicken and pasta. Ellis really can’t believe that Will only eats two meals a day because he would die and he usually eats two times in the four hours that he’s at the studio. Will says it’s because he doesn’t have the time and then proceeds to ask Ellis for some tips to improve his diet so he can eat more and eat healthier. But there is a caveat, that being, that he wants tips that involve absolutely no cooking (because Will just may be a hobo, or he just can’t cook). Ellis outlines that he should eat some sort of breakfast like Starbucks Oatmeal without the brown sugar and to put protein powder in it or one of the fruit plates with the hardboiled egg (but don’t eat the bits of processed Turkey because…processed turkey), for lunch he can have fish tacos with avocado because that feels like cheating when it isn’t, and dinner…everyone has time to cook dinner, right? They kind of get into an argument about people having time in their lives for cooking and Ellis keeps telling Will to do it the night before or in the morning, but Will basically works from 6 in the morning until 10 at night. Tully invites Will over for a Taco dinner with him and his wife tonight because Will can’t remember the last time he had a home cooked meal and home cooked meals are like Oxygen for Tully. He neeeeeeeds them. They talk about how if you eat out a lot you can’t make the excuse that shopping at Whole Foods is too expensive, because you’ll actually probably wind up saving money unless you buy 27 dollar Whole Foods steaks (that aren’t that great). And it’s better for you. They take calls and people talk about their weight loss methods, changing their lives, and losing weight and Shantanee gets a shout out from a caller because she looks damn fine. I can’t stop looking at her either. That face!!!! I dunno…this healthy eating talk bums me out a bit because I used to eat pretty healthy, cook at home a lot and all that rot, but now Hubbs and I are both out of the house from seven in the morning until like eight or nine at night and it’s hard to fit in cooking and eating. We suck. We eat like once a day (at night) and subsist on fluids throughout the day. It’s why I never feel bad about my one a day 20 ounce Pepsi habit…I totes have room for the calories after a day filled with nothing but water, Vitamin Water Zero and a low cal Monster Energy drink. It’s also prolly why I don’t feel super on point right now…It’s a quarter after ten and that’s all I’ve consumed. If you wanna know about eating healthy check out The Dolce Diet books, that’s the first thing I’m doing when I go back to having a normal job!

Ellis is going to be on Tom Green’s TV show tonight, which is pretty cool, be he straight up got told no by the dumb people over at Chelsea Handler’s show, which is shitty, because what the Hell did Ellis do that deserved a no? Some people who have never watched her show would tune in just to see Ellis on (like me and Hubbs, for instance) and maybe those people would like it enough to tune in more regularly. Whatever. Maybe Ellis is just too awesome. Tom Green got a car off Craigslist and it’s a 1979 Z-28, which Hubbs says is a Camero and I’ll take his word for it because I know cars come in pretty and ugly shapes and colors and that’s about it. Tom Green’s car is a piece of shit and has already broken down on the highway, which he is pumped about for whatever crazy Canadian reason his brain came up with, but he has taken a picture of The Awesome Guide to Life in that car, so it’s a solid win overall. Tom Green’s TV show is on tonight with Ellis at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific (do the math for the in-between) and I’m sure Ellis was awesome and will confirm that with my DVR after I am finished writing this.

Tully has been listening to the replays in the morning lately and he thinks that they are doing a great fucking job. They are the Seinfeld of Radio, they have a show about nothing, and it is the best show about nothing that there is. Boom. Tully has mentioned a few times now that he’s been listening to the show in the morning and Ellis said yesterday (I think) that it’s funny how Tully started listening to it once he stopped. But, this morning as Ellis took young Tiggie to school he checked to see if the replay was still on and he listened to it for 15 minutes, and he agrees with Tully- they are doing a great job. They have a great show about nothing and he can say that it’s the best show that is on the air right now, because he’s given a lot of different shows a fair go of listening and there is just no contest. He may not have said that there is no contest, exactly, but that’s what I wrote down. Tully really thinks that 2014 has been a stellar year for The Jason Ellis Show so far (I agree, for what it’s worth) and he feels a real responsibility to the listeners because this show makes a lot of people’s days better, and he wants to make sure that he does his job well so that happens more often.

Ellis starts talking about being a personal trainer and having his own shark, tiger, wolf dojo after a caller who’s a personal trainer calls in the show and it would be a confusing dojo with orgies where Ellis walks around in karate pajamas that have a dick hole cut out of them. Tully brings up something about an Olympic Mexican and orgies and…I kind of missed it to be honest…but do you need more info than that? I mean, let your imagination fill in the gap for about three minutes. Let your mind fill with the vision of a Mexian Olympian from back in the day and the orgies that he stopped going to because he went to them enough to finally be bored of them. Don’t you want that in your life? To have orgies happening around you so often that you just start saying no to them because, been there, done that? This somehow gets Ellis talking about American Idol and how he only really likes the initial audition part of the show and J Lo is super hot. The J Lo thing was my segue to talking about Tully talking about Marc Anthony, who is her ex, and how his other ex wife is trying to sue him for more child support money. His first wife is a former Miss Universe and she currently gets 18 thousand dollars a month in child support from him and wants it upped to 113 thousand dollars. Seriously, bitch? Seriously!!!!! What the fuck does your kid need 113 thousand fucking dollars a month for? The even more ridiculous part of this story…is that Marc Anthony can afford it because motherfucker rakes in 1.25 million dollars a month. A month. That’s 15 million bucks a year. I still think Miss Universe is out of her fucking mind. I mean, Marc Anthony’s not a shit guy, either, he gave J Lo a 4 million dollar ring when the divorce went through- he romanced her pants off during a divorce. You know she was signing the divorce papers with one hand and jerking him off with the other. You also should know that’s not my joke, that was either Tully or Ellis, you know, one of the guys who gets paid to be awesome and funny for a living.

Back from the first break, Tully brings up that Ellis has been an instagramming fool lately? Why? Because he’s posting pictures sent to him by fans of them doing cool shit with their copies of ‘The Awesome Guide to Life’ and sending the people with the best pictures some care packages. So, if you’re reading this, tweet or DM or instagram your pics and hopefully he’ll share it on his social media, think that you are the best, and send you some free shit!!!!! Get on it!!! You don’t need me to tell you his handles, you already know them!!!! Also, if you are one of the people making a fuss over guns or grenades or whatever…please shut up. No one cares. You may care, and the person wasting their time fighting with you may care, but…shut up. You aren’t going to get anything accomplished. Tully says that he’s over the debates and just doesn’t get involved because it’s pointless. It is pointless. Comments make people unafraid of being loud and stupid. It’s the curse of the internet. Ellis agrees, because the King and Queen are always on the same page lately, and adds that, for the record, he doesn’t think the guy with a grenade on his table is a bad guy. They get to talking about some gun rights/laws and such, and Ellis thinks that hunting if you’re hunting for food is cool, but he doesn’t live a life that’s greatly impacted by whether or not he can use a gun so he really doesn’t care all that much. For Tully it comes to: guns for hunting are cool, guns for killing people are terrible, and he’s not allowed to have an opinion because he didn’t grow up around guns, so, whatever.

Time for some MMA Breaking News! Dana White and the UFC have announced that there will be no more fighters on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Ellis says that this is going to be bad news for some of the older guys in the UFC game because it’s basically the only reason that they still are in the game, but he’s not really against the decision to do it (and neither is Tully) because those guys are past their prime anyway. However, it’s gonna suck big time for Vitor Belfort who has admitted that he is on TRT and he’s supposed to be fighting Chris Weidman for the middleweight belt and you can’t get off TRT once you’re on it. Is there even a way to test to see if someone is using TRT as opposed to having naturally high testosterone levels? Tully tells Ellis that testosterone occurs in everyone at different levels naturally, so unless there’s a way to specifically test for TRT they would have to set a really really high threshold for how much testosterone is considered ‘fishy’, but a caller does call in a few minutes later to say that it can be tested for and is able to be differentiated between TRT and naturally occurring testosterone. Bad news for UFC fighters who are on TRT, this could be a game changer. Ellis says that maybe they should start a new sport for guys who are on steroids and TRT where he and Tully were the announcers because that shit would be out of control. People’d be dying left and right, they could have a Super Heavyweight Class, a Brontosaurus class, and people could knock each other’s brains out. Tully is all for it, after all- it isn’t going to create more roiders…it’s just going to give the ones that already exist a place to go. In other MMA news, GSP says that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Ellis says that he should probably just start shutting the fuck up because he seems to be complaining a lot lately. Ellis then talks about watching Ultimate Fighter: Canada vs Australia last night and how the Canadians were kicking the Aussie’s asses, and it wasn’t fun for him to watch. He also thinks that Canadians have the advantage with sports that start in the United States because the US is just a couple hours away in the car and they get to know about the stuff faster and can get down here a lot easier.

It’s Acadamy Award time and Betsey suggested to the show that the guys bet on who is going to win in the important categories. What does the loser have to do? They have to dress up as a woman and solicit pictures (5 to be exact) with strangers while in drag. Ellis really doesn’t want to have to do that (but I think he’d make a pretty lady lmao) but he’s going to make the wager anyway because he’s a good sport. The categories they are betting on are Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director. Now…remember that order because here is who the guys picked for each of those:
Tully: Gravity, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and ‘Gravity Guy’ Director
Ellis: Dallas Buyers Club, Matthey McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and Gravity Director
Jetta: Her, Matthew McConaughey, Cate Blanchett, Jonah Hill, Jennifer Lawrence, and Steve McQueen
CumTard: Wolf of Wall Street, Matthew McConaughey, Judy Dench, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and O’Russell.
Now…with they way they went, and with me having seen absolutely none of the nominated films…it seems to me like Jetta is screwed. I mean…Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard’s picks were all pretty much the same, and Jetta went in the opposite direction, so he’s kind of fucked unless there is some sort of upset at the Acadamy Awards. But…maybe that’s a good thing because he’d make the most convincing female, in my humble opinion.

Back from the break they are watching a video where there is a preacher farting a lot and I had gone to pee and that is the exact thing Hubbs said when I asked him what I missed, so this really run-on sentence part of the recap is brought to you by Hubbs. After the farting preacher, Tully tells Ellis that in Harlem, NY there is a super homophobic Church sign which is blaming Obama for releasing the ‘gay demon’ and telling black women to watch out or they’ll lose their men to white gay men. It’s super offensive, but also really funny and Ellis says that of course the gay apocalypse would be started by the white man. But don’t worry, what happens in gay zombieland- stays in gay zombieland. Ellis is going to make a shirt that says that, and I will totally wear it. Jetta, CumTard, and Hardcore the Intern have been working on finally putting together the Sting Pong table but they had to stop before finishing because they have to bang some things into place and cant do that while other shows are on the air. Ellis tells them to ‘Shawshank it’ and make other noise to cancel it out. They do this on the air and it literally sounds like a bunch of animals going batshit crazy at the zoo. Wilson tries to poop on their noisy party, but he isn’t successful, and they Shawshank it twice before Ellis says they should cool it and do it again in a little bit.

They play a game which was thought up by @Mike_in_Canada and it’s called Sex, Sports, or Animal and involves them listening to short audio clips where some sort of something (either sex, sports, or animals) are making noise and they have to guess which is which and then they watch the corresponding video clip for ‘the reveal’. There is no way for me to recap this, but it was a hella funny segment. Hubbs and I played along and Hubbs was really good at it. I sucked really bad and I think I guessed ‘sports’ for almost everything that I heard because I thought everything sounded like tennis or ping pong. They had a caller playing around with them in each round, and the callers actually didn’t do so bad, and the ones who guessed correctly got sent to the prize chamber and might never be seen again. A lot of the sounds that turned out to be sex involved tranny’s, so apparently CumTard spends a lot of his time watching Tranny porn, which is odd considering he is super against things going in his butt. They did a bonus round which, to me, sounded like a really long submission to Unsigned Farts, and made me want to vomit because my mind also went to the most disgusting form of porn that probably doesn’t exist involving people having explosive diarrhea and sex at the same time. Turns out it was a video of a chick with a seriously blown out hole getting ass fucked and then blowing the load out of her gaping ass. They watched/listened to that bit for wayyyyyy longer than necessary and Ellis said it was the nastiest ass that he had ever seen.

Rounding out the show we are reminded that Ellis is/was on Tom Green’s show on the AXS network tonight (and I’m still sure he was awesome) and you should/did watch that at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific time. Tully asks Ellis about the upcoming book signing and suggests that Ellis get that RSVP online invite thing out by tomorrow so that people have a week to respond, and Ellis says he’s going to talk to people at Trampoline World about reserving space and how he’ll bring shit in his truck to give away to people. They do Women, Am I right where we get to hear about a grown ass woman who wants to change her name to Sexy from Sheila, a woman who tried to poison her husband by putting poison in her own vagina, a woman who tried to kill her hospitalized husband by putting fecal matter into his IV, a woman who faked her own kidnapping and launched a gigantic manhunt for herself after calling the police to get out of a date, and a woman who called the cops to try and get banged by a cop and then called the cops again when the cop wouldn’t bang her. I am ashamed on behalf of my sex, but this reminds me of the conversation I had yesterday with Hubbs about how I’m not a girly girl, so at least there’s that. Maybe I have a guy mind or something. I don’t know. I don’t know why woman do these stupid, stupid things…and…ugh. Just ugh.

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellis is the ugly nose in the middle of your beautiful face

Tully thinks Will is very fuckable

Ellis gets his meals made for him by Katie

Will can’t fry an egg

28% of adult Americans don’t know how to cook

Vitor Belfort needs to get a spoon sponsor immediately

Devin wants a pet chicken and it’s all Katie’s fault

Chickens are loud, annoying, hideous beasts

Ellis wants a 4ft tall rooster with Thug Life tattooed across its chest

Thanks for having the most ridiculous English speaking accent ever, GSP

Tully hates award shows

CumTard thinks Cate Blanchett has a fart mouth

Christian hates Jared Leto

2014 is clearly the year of Squib

Ellis absolutely hated Gravity

Hardcore is honest about the nothing he does at the Studio

Tully is going to miss Hardcore once he’s gone

Spain is making sausage out of baby poop

Sex, Animals, and Sports sound too similar for comfort

If you give someone a kidney, you don’t own them for life

HateBean has new songs

Don’t die caller trying to do the recap should never have tried to do the recap

Tully got crazy on liquid vicodin back in the day when he had the flu because he didn’t know what hydrochodone was

Tame that na-na

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

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Show Recap for Thursday 2/27/2014