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Show Re-cap For Tuesday 8/14/2012

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The ghost of Rawdog made his debut on the show today, he claims to have saw bright lights and Saint Peter trying to snowball him. If you were to believe this apparition, he said he told good old Saint Peter North that it was not his time, but we all know he loves his own load, so there ya go. Jude was also on the show today, talking about how he got all fucked up on morphine pills – which just might be the pill Tully has been looking for. And speaking of Jude and pills, he wants to shove a morphine pill up Rawdog’s sister’s butt, no biggie. However, Rawdog does not share Jude’s enthusiasm for his sisters holes and so he is cock blocking. This is a man that didn’t spit out his own load that got snowballed into his mouth because he didn’t want to make his girlfriend feel uncomfortable. When addressing the snowballing move to his girlfriend, he said “that’s kind of weird”, her response was “don’t be such a baby” Sweet Jesus! This chick is going to rule over the Rawdog, it’s starting to sound like an abusive relationship.

Keeping with the abusive relationship topic, Ellis said everyone should just leave Mayhem alone. He’s going through a tough time that he was unprepared for and it’s a hard transition to make. I really know nothing of Mayhem’s plight, but I do wish him all the best and you should too – if not only just to be a compassionate human. More talk about Staph Shaffington and his infected ding-a-ling, quite a few callers chimed in about the staph infections they’ve had in various places, such as on their balls, shaft, ass crack, etc. Shout out to all those staph genitals out there in the world, you make my eye twitch! In news that’s not really news at all, America is on the cusp of an obesity epidemic. Lot’s of people are overweight and many of them could probably do something about it, but choose not to. Whatever, there’s not much more you can really say about that except, BOOM-BOBBA-BOOM! Today was NMT, that is all. And now I leave you with a final thought, remember all those screaming sounds your mom makes when she’s getting DP’ed? Doesn’t it sound exactly like Stevie Wonder answering his clothes iron? OH!

P.S. Tully gave our site a shout out today at the end of the show! Thanks to @EllisMate, @RadioTFB, and @possiblytully because that gave us a boner!

Jersey Mike Song Parodies

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If you’re not familiar, 中Jersey Mike中 (@jerseymike334) made quite a few parody songs for TJES, most (if not all) have been featured on the show – some are still in use on the show to this day. And he was kind enough to send them over to us so we could share them with the rest of you! Enjoy, this guy made some legendary shit – show him some love!

Show Re-cap For Monday 8/13/2012

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Come at me bro-ball!

The Olympics are over, and so is our Olympic coverage. Sure, we never actually wrote one damned thing solely about the Olympics, but that’s just a minor detail we can ignore. I’ll say this though, I bet there was more porn watched online today since the start of the Olympics. I mean, no more of that sweet, sweet, underage poon flipping all over your TV is going to make an impact. By the way, we don’t condone getting sexually aroused by watching that sweet, sweet, underage poon on your TV – that’s just fucking irresponsible and disgusting. I think. Pretty sure. Yup, I’m sure. Speaking of shit that’s just wrong, Cumtard was in the studio today in place of Rawdog – I assume Rawdog’s absence is because his “friend” Mr. X has fallen seriously ill due to all the snowballing he’s been doing lately, and not that he’s at a wedding in New York.

You’d smash that.

Cumtard went to a tranny party this weekend, everybody got naked, slipped into the hot tub, and started getting jacked off by one of the trannies. He claims he stopped it after 3 tugs because he was starting to get a chubby, but I think he’s the only person who actually believes that part. Judging by the picture and eye witness accounts – including from his current house guest, he was flirting all night with this girl and leading her on. I guess if you strike out with a chick because you shit your pants, you’ve only got so many other options. However, the best thing about fucking a tranny is reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. Ellis Staph Shaffington has staph infection on his dick. You read that right. He showed it to Dingo, who promptly flipped the fuck out and said it looked like an over-sized herp. That has got to be fucking horrible, for everyone involved with that pee-pee. In case you missed it on Twitter over the weekend, Mayhem and Dana White traded tweets back and forth. The exchange seemed to start off friendly but quickly started to take an uncomfortable turn. I’ll say one thing about all that, it was the most entertaining thing I saw on Twitter Saturday. Here’s the start of the whole thing. Fuck Kony2012, Mayhem2012, am I right?

That’s how we roll.

Not one to be outdone, Mayhem also got arrested today for being naked, inside a church, and fucking the place up. After hearing of this breaking news, Ellis immediately went to break and sounded bummed out. I’m sorry to say this, but after the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking Mayhem might be slowly losing his mind – and so far that just might turn out to be true, he sure seems to be acting out quite differently than his usual antics. I sure hope that dude turns his shit around before he goes completely off the deep end. On a lighter note and in another “Hey, me and Ellis have this in common” story, he was on a boat with Katie and his kids and got caught in a badass storm. Guess who else got stuck on a boat in a badass storm? Yup, this guy – last week. See? That’s like the 2nd story we’ve had in common, we’re connected now, right? No? Yea, you’re probably right.

Your dad.

And now, final thoughts of the Rawdog Memorial Show… actually, it’s more of a story. One day, guy goes to your mom’s house and tells her that he only wants to spend 5 bucks. She thinks for a bit, then says, meet me in the bedroom down the hall and on the left. The guy goes to the bathroom and then walks to the bedroom. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick, it’s like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” She crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time. The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” She smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.” OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 8/10/2012

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Led Zeppelin needs to come back, or 80’s glam rock. One of them. Because older women need some shit to listen to and I guess reminisce about. Big, crispy hair, the Brat Pack, it’s all going to bring back memories of when they had a tighter box. Ellis had a couple meetings, some good news, some bad news, some hidden news, some mediocre news, and he can’t talk about any of that shit, so fuck it. It’s Friday. You know Tom Cruise? I mean, not know him, but know who he is? You do, right? He’s that chick that got married to that younger, taller dude? His full name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. It looks like Superman IV, and he just might be the Superman of skin care cream. Ellis is talking about getting on more channels, and I don’t care what you say, because that would be awesome like Blossom. Rawdog’s friend “Mr. X” had a question about after he came on his chick, she licked it up, and then wanted to kiss him. Sounds like it was all meant as a silly after sex joke thing, but Mr. X has to put a stop that shit if he don’t want it. Homey don’t play that snowball game.

Anne Hathaway. Tully will accept the fact that you may think she’s pretty, but he will not accept the fact that you may find her sexually attractive. And according to Ellis, she most likely has a smelly ass – he can just tell. And according to me, she’s the type of girl that would snowball her boyfriend as a joke. So it has been said, and now written, and so it shall be. It’s the law of the land. Who wins between a vampire, a predator, a liken, and aliens? Who gives a shit? Some bored dude thinks Google is racist because he thinks one of their Google Doodles depicts a black man running on a watermelon track. That’s fucking ridiculous. Google is racist because they depicted that same black man holding one of the “O”‘s in one Google Doodle, and then the next day that same “O” was missing.

Some chick that battled bulimia, which left her without a gag reflex, was demonstrating how she has no gag reflex and accidentally swallowed a butter knife. What makes this fucking whack is, this isn’t the first time she accidentally swallowed a goddamned knife. Women. Tully’s looking for a good, reliable opiate pill to take – which we all know Rude Jude could hook him up like a rock star – but regardless, as one might imagine, TJES listeners had tons of suggestions. I don’t even remember how this topic got started, but there was a debate on whether you’d rather fight a horse sized duck, or a bunch of duck sized horses. I haven’t started tonight’s pill poppin’ party yet so I can’t give a well thought out answer to that. But what I can give you an answer to is the question your mom is always asking – “hey baby, want some company?” And the answer to that is: Put your hands behind your back and get on your knees, you’re being arrested for prostitution. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 8/7/2012

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Why do all fat women wear purple? That was the question that started today’s show. I think this is a question that may just plague at least 1/3 of the world’s population, NASA doesn’t even know. As with any Rude Judesday, he came on the show and apparently while Ellis was on vacation, Jude enjoyed getting a bunch of new listeners to his show – so shout out to his Caucasian ass. China could potentially invade the US because the majority of their population are males, and like parties that are sausage fests, a fight always breaks out. That’s why I recommend you all watch Red Dawn as much as possible, that way you know how we’re going to win and drive those reds back to their homeland. WOLVERINES! Sounds like a porn site wants to send TJES some swag, so be on the lookout for a possible Rawdog Fleshlight product line sometime in the future.

We got to hear some audio from Ellis’ interviews with some of the stars from The Expendables 2. The first interview was with Dolph Lundgren where Ellis says he found him to be one of the funniest in the movie, said he looks better than Clint Eastwood, and asks if he thinks his punches and kicks are better than Randy Couture’s. There were more questions but fuck that shit, I ain’t writing this shit down word for word. Next was his interview with Terry Crews and Randy Couture, which started out with Ellis saying Terry is a massive dude and Randy could beat up everyone in The Expendables 2, we didn’t get to hear him ask Terry if he has a massive penis though. We had to wait to hear the KTLA edited version of the interview, which turned out pretty good actually. However, we did get to hear a message on Ellis’ phone from Uncle Mayhem singing a song about how he loves Ellis and such.

The guys played some Olympics history trivia today, with all answers being either true or false. For instance, ancient Olympiads were required to be nude in their competitions – because you know, oiled up men wrestling is totally no homo. If you believe Rawdog’s trivia questions, ancient competitors would chew on animal testicles before competition, as an early form of steroids, which let’s be honest – sounds fucking hardcore. Tug of war was once an Olympic sport, which is totally acceptable considering badminton is currently a sport, and I think we all can agree that tug of war should come back. In the end, Jason ended up being the winner in today’s Olympic history trivia – which is pretty fucking amazing in itself, but there ya go. His prize? He get’s to give Shit Taco another new name, who shall now be known as Tuberculosis. Tuberculosis also claims to be a comedian, so he got a chance to tell a joke (it sucked) and plug an upcoming show he’ll be a part of.

Today was NMT, 3 weeks worth of it as a matter of fact. Turns out, it wasn’t as horrible as most, but still – I’m not writing much about it. I will say this though, there was talk of Syndrome of a Down and Downzig being something worth checking into. A caller had a real problem with that particular topic and called out the guys, especially Tully. Once the guys explained everything, the caller calmed down and saw that it’s not meant to be malicious and things moved forward. Considering many of the callers to the show, it was super surprising to hear him be intelligent about it – so shout out to that dude – good call. New segment today, “You’re dead to me”, where people that suck get put on notice, which I think for now is only Josh Koscheck. I imagine in just a few short days, there’s another person that will be on that list. Not just because they suck, but because you can’t be a mega-whore for your entire life without some kind of consequences – so make sure you say goodbye to your mother because soon, she’ll be dead to you as well. OH! (shit, that was dark)