2013

Posted on November 27, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Rawdog’s still not there. Talk about changing the show intro. I can see you’re deep in thought.

Welcome to the thing. The last show & recap for this week, right before the Thanksgiving holidays coma for us Americans. Before getting into the show, let’s go ahead and quickly address what’s on everyone’s mind. No, Rawdog is not there today. Yesterday, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis just said he wanted to take some time off and that’s all he knows. Then today, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis said he’s taken a leave of absence and may never be back. As the show intro was playing, apparently Ellis also said they have to get a new intro and that they should change it anyway. What does all that mean? I don’t know, read into that what you will. But it isn’t looking good. Moving on, Shoebox is in studio today. Ellis was gonna go to the gym today, but he had a vibe and went with it, so he went to the beach instead. While he and Katie and Burger were there, some random people were taking pictures of them. Ellis wants a little bit of side burns tattoo, not mutton chops a la Danzig or anything, but just a touch of knife burns.

Whose gonna blow me? Anyone? Anyone?

Hey stalkers! Wilson revealed that he and Christian live about a block from each other, so get your stalker maps out, make sure you have the proper tools, and you might want to look at a larger kill room. Everyone thinks Wilson is from Germany, some people yell things at him, other’s give him a nod & a wink, and superhero’s look at him in awe. Four years ago the police busted Chewbacca and Elmo in a drug ring in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, some people got shot, and a woman tourist got stabbed for not giving some homeless, crazy fucker a dollar. So if you’ve been planning to take a vacation to Hollywood to hob nob with the stars, you might wanna think twice about that because you’re basically going to pay for a trip to see and smell piss and shit and crushed dreams and if you’re lucky, you’ll only get robbed and shot once instead of multiple times. According to Mr. Hand, there’s also a “boys town” part of Hollywood that’s well known for a gay scene and getting a blowjob in 45 seconds or less. Beats Dominoes I guess.

Just cuz I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t get down to some Bone Thugs.

Did you know beer is better for you than Coke? It sounds just ridiculous enough that I can believe it. High-fructose corn syrup was invented by Satan and it is in pretty much fucking everything you eat and drink and it’s gonna kill you, probably tomorrow. The guys talked about old school ads for cigarettes, where doctors were advocating a certain brand of cigarette over the other, you know, because they care about your health and not the loot lining their pockets. But enough with the doom and gloom, it’s time for Bone Thugs‐n‐Harmony to come serenade us with super quiet “I’m high as hell” inside voices. It was hard to hear some of the Bones because they were so quiet. It almost felt like I was a hot chick and they were trying to run game on me or something, all suave and shit. They talked about their upcoming show tonight, how tight they are, and how they’re so tight they don’t know who in their group is married and who isn’t. They don’t go around smackin’ people in the grill anymore because they don’t wanna get shot, which I say is wise life choice. But don’t get flip the script and get it all mixed up, if you step, they’ll squash beef and cave in teef. They just want them and their fans to go out and have a good time, they try to steer clear of drama, Unless you count the time one of them got shot in the head. Or the time one of them accidentally shot the other one. And not the time one of them got kidnapped as a child along with his 3 sisters and found by John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. For sure not the time when a dead body got dropped off in front of one their homes. You know, it’s your typical wholesome story that could be part anyone’s childhood. All joking aside, it was a great interview and they had some interesting stories.

Breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is on iTunes now. Breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Google Play Music and is already #1 in the Metal section. Breaking, breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Amazon and is already a #1 seller in the Hard Rock & Metal section. You should go buy a copy like I did. All the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be one of the cool kids, right? Well, don’t come running to me when people start making fun of your music library for not having Big Fucking Mega Boat. Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking news time. It’s time to pass out the 2013 Yoko’s in this year’s Reverse Awards! Here are your categories and your winners:

Sorry winners of a Yoko. This is the reverse awards.

Best Religion: Scientology
Best Jingleberries Member: Bryan “Backbone” Cullen
Smartest Intern of All-Time: Anal Gay-Lewis
Smallest Clitoris: Brock Lesnar
Best TJES Guest Ever: Method Man & Redman
Best Wolfknife Nickname: Urethra Butt Butt
Least Radioactive Jew: Rawdog
Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet: “I didn’t come here for a hard time, I came here for a good time.” – Kid Rock
Realest Animal: Rawdog’s Dad
Most Uncreepy Male Star: Corey Feldman
The Rising Star Award: Kevin Kraft
Lifetime Achievement Award: Jaden Smith
Most Welcome Comeback: Andy Dick
Most Deservingly Famous: George Zimmerman
“Clean and Sober Living” Award: Lindsay Lohan
Most Alive Celebrity: Larry King
Smallest Butthole: Sam Rubin
Woman of the Year: Paula Deen
Man of the Year: Chris Brown

Bless this post, and bless all of you. Bless us everyone!

And there you have it, folks. The Yoko’s pretty much wrapped up the show all neat and tidy. There were a few short final calls, oh, and a mention that either tomorrow or Friday, there will be something “special” on Faction, but that’s all that was said. I assume you’ll have an opportunity to hear old or best-of shows for most of the day or something like that. That’s my best guess anyway. So I guess I should wrap this up huh? Pop quiz hotshots! Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they become Targets. OH! Happy Skanksgiving to all my American trick ass bitches and gangsta-ass swingin’ dicks. Happy get up and go to work like normal to all my Canadian molettes and moles. And shout to all the girls I’ve loved before.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/25/2013

Posted on November 25, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Getting gassed at the dentist.

Hello reader, how are you? I’m doing fine, thank you for asking! I just wanted to tell you good luck. I’m counting on you. Ellis went to the dentist today, he’s got numb face and he had to tell the dentist to keep that gas going as they were grinding down his toof. He hasn’t gotten his goldie teef yet, but he was such a big boy that the dental assistant chick gave him some chocolate. He’s boned a dental assistant before, a couple times actually. She had blown out titties but got them shits fixed. Dingo needs his own chair in the studio, a Dingo chair one might call it, that he can get his sweaty hands all over. Dingo cooked dinner the other night and cut his poor wittle finger. He cooked a turkey burrito in a pan and he’s been known to make a lasagna once or twice. What’s that? The show seems different today for some reason, you say? That may be explained by the fact that Rawdog isn’t there, but Cumtard is. Absolutely nothing was mentioned about Rawdog’s absence, so anything would be speculation at this point. I’m sure whatever it is/was will eventually be addressed as that’s how the show (and real life) has always worked. Ellis went to get a massage, had a towel over his face, and when he flipped over, he felt his pee-pee lay over towards his hip. When the massage was done, he got up to see what kind of view was revealed and felt like a creep. But a creep who is packing heat.

Your pajamas were how much?

Dingo’s wearing $190 pajamas today, for that amount of money you’d expect him to be constantly orgasmic, but he just seems comfortable. Dingo and Ellis have decided to burn their Uggs, which has to be the best decision ever because, wow. Ellis is a bit of a soap connoisseur now and he’s not falling for any of those cheap as soap gimmicks anymore, so watch out Irish Spring! In an effort to get candy, he got some rose scented shit sprayed on him and went around asking people to smell him. Dingo’s just waiting for the soap rash discussion, but that never came. Instead, we heard about a 12-year-old, crying Dingo who got scabies and passed it on to all his friends. Sounds like Wilson got himself a new haircut and a new lanyard and has allegedly been fucking the fat off himself. He reminded the guys that the go kart track that they’re going to Tuesday is having a toy drive for poor people and if you can, bring 100% of a full toy, not 10% of a toy like Kim Kardashian. Ellis and Dingo have been having strange dreams lately, Ellis thinks his is from the Alpha BRAIN and Dingo thinks his is from a RZA week.

Whenever Cumtard is on the show, everyone wonders what the punishment is going to be.

So this dude in Washington, IL filmed a tornado going straight for his house, tornado hunter’s Tully and Cumtard question the legitimacy of the video, but you can decide for yourself. Ellis got his Porsche fixed (not really, it’s gotta go back) and then somebody hit it, denting the exhaust pipe, marked it up, and THAT is why we can’t have nice things – because people suck. In case you haven’t heard, Cumtard has one of them phone apps out, called Freaky Scenes, and he’s gets more chances to plug it today by answering some trivia questions, wrong answers mean he’s eating some death dealing dog food from China. Let’s just say he didn’t leave the show hungry and you probably wouldn’t know the name of his app if I didn’t just post a link to it. Tully got a call from his bank saying someone tried to use his debit card with a fake ID of him and of course it was in Inglewood because Inglewood is always up to no good. “We live in a world.” ~Dingo Let that one sink in a blow your fuckin’ mind. Ellis will be on terrestrial radio tomorrow morning, on The Heidi & Frank Show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber has perfume or wears perfume or both. Angelina Jolie bought Brad Pitt an island for $20 million. Common man Dingo say’s that’s chump change. Mick Jagger is now a great-grandfather. Jason Momoa has a man cave and invited Ellis to come over some time, even gave him his phone number, so he might be on the show one day – the tale of two Jasons. Manny Pacquiáo won his fight against Brandon Rios in the first ever pay-per-view boxing card from China. Ellis started to talk about his incident with Beacher of Beacher’s Madhouse and Dingo quickly cut that conversation off like someone was talking about murder for hire over the telephone. Seems like Dingo now hates that dude and doesn’t want him to get his name mentioned even if just to say “fuck that guy”, which Dingo did actually say. Nobody knows whats up with that and it doesn’t look like the fans will ever know – and I’m okay with that because I said fuck that guy before it was cool to say fuck that guy. Also, apparently people are mad at Dingo for posting a picture of Miley Cyrus on his Instagram. I don’t really care one way or the other, so I don’t know what to say about that. Ellis got sent some Duck Dynasty shit for his pets and Dingo ain’t about to let anyone hate on that shit. This spurred on some callers who treated us to their duck and deer calls. Oh, and we got to hear “Smoked Out Clit” from Death! Death! Die! and Everlast.

How to silence Dingo.

Breaking news, Cumtard did not eat death dealing dog treats from China. After he started feeling like shit and forcing himself to vomit it all up, news on the wire was Wilson had played a dastardly trick and Cumtard actually just ate beef jerky. Wilson, you sly minx! Back to the news of the stars desk, Dingo Dingerton went to the AMA’s, he talked about how just fucking incredible, best thing since sliced bread, Imagine Dragons were. Of course he had to name drop Miley, Rihanna singing “garbldey arrrhhhg I forget” (which sounds like a kick ass song title), Nelly was there giving a shout out to the Lou. Thankfully Shoebox came in bearing gifts to steer the conversation away from “Dingo name drops more people in 60 seconds than anyone would think possible.” That lasted all of 90 seconds before Dingo steered us right back into name dropping thing. Shoebox chimed in with some real talk about wanting to fuck Miley. Then back to Dingo for his obligatory Miley name drop and to let us know he’s been to the AMA’s for 3 years now, again. Eventually Ellis had to tell Dingo to shut the fuck up for a minute so someone else could talk. No offense to Dingo, even though it sounds like it. I just could care less about the AMA’s and hate having to recap about that garbage. More power to Dingo for being in the mix in that world. I’ll have you know this man risked his life once. In the passenger seat of a truck. That was being driven by a professional. In the middle of a dessert. Where other driver’s drive past you and if you’re in serious trouble, they stop to help or call out for help. And where helicopters fly above checking the progress of drivers. HAHAA But seriously, thems jokes. Dingo was getting kind of heated for his terrifying rendition of being the passenger in a Baja truck. And finally, two lepers were playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off. OH!

Come to NYA for the recaps. Stay for the entertainment. Am I right? I’m right, right!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/18/2013

Posted on November 18, 2013 by bitPimps 中

You wanna have $ to donate to charity? You gotta listen to WuFinancial advisers.

Here it is, what you’ve been waiting all weekend for. It’s Monday, Monday, MONDAY! Live, from the planet earth, it’s The Jason Ellis Show Recap! Get it in ya! MONSTER RECAP MONDAAAAY! Alright, you sold on it yet? I’m sold on it. Do you say “effin” or “friggin” or “freakin” or some variation there-of for “fuckin”? I understand. Sometimes you gotta do it, but sometimes you gotta let that genie out of the bottle, too. Try it. Say it. I’ll wait for you. Somebody said something about Katie’s laugh on Jason’s Instagram and he almost told that person that their neck was pregnant, but he didn’t. He’s not going to waste his “effin” time being all bitter and mean and “shibbidy”. Dingo got to hear about sweaty hands and Brian Deegan and how much time and energy Deegan used to waste on a hating. Bloods and Crips, one of them is better than the other, Wilson is part of MS13, Rawdog ain’t scurred of any of them because he’s Jewish for life, and Tully thinks Hollywood is really just a giant shithole. His new neighbors were scoping him out since they’re the new kids on the block and the neighbors are wondering if that means their hood is turning to shit. Betsy is donating $7,500 to charity like some kind of badass – which is fucking badass – therefore she’s badass. But nobody can figure out why she likes the show because she’s got way more class than anyone there. Tiggy’s still bringing the pain to the dirty, stinking, red headed kid at soccer. He scored 8 goals, thereby solidifying his first major step in becoming the next David Beckham. He’s definitely already surpassed Rawdog, who had the most soccer balls stolen from him during a game. How are professional athletes making so much money and getting so many breaks? Even though they’re rich as fuck and have a glamorous life, a lot of them end up broke as shit. Cry me a “effin” river.

Bomb threat? TJES ain’t scurred.

Breaking news with Wilson Pendarvis! The cops have the building surrounded and the streets blocked off because of a suspicious looking package / potential bomb threat. Which of course means that TJES could literally be on the verge of blowing the fuck up. Will’s oddly looking out the window, listening to multiple police scanners, frantically pushing buttons on his massive phone, and praying a bomb will go off to end his pain and misery. Breaking Richmond family news with Rawdog! His sister Gabi, aka “The Tooth”, is now engaged and ready for an adulterous relationship soon. Just kidding. Congratulations to her clavicle breaking ass, but fuck her fiancé because none of us know him. He could be a sweet dude, but we’ll never know. Ellis took the kids and Katie horseback riding over the weekend. And just like you’d imagine someone named “The King of The West” would do, he took a cell phone call while riding and did an interview over the phone. Hey, did you know Ellis used to skateboard? Yup, he sure did. He also watched the Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth show this weekend, as did I, and it was fucking great. Circling back around to professional athletes and how stupid they are with money, everyone had their butthole clinch a bit when Tyson talked about being charged $8,000 for towels. Not because they were awesome towels, but because he wasn’t watching what shit-dick Don King was doing with Tyson’s money.

It hurts not so much here or here, but all over.

UFC news time, Rawdog did not watch it, GSP retained his title against Johny Hendricks (who spells Johnny with 1 N?), even though a ton of people thought he lost, including Dana White. A lot of GSP fans are pissed that anyone has an issue with him winning, of course, and apparently those people don’t like anyone to have an opinion that differs from their own. Dana was livid with the decision and blamed The Nevada State Athletic Commission, saying “they have a lot of work to do, that they make him sick, and they better figure out how to not destroy, not only the sport of boxing, but this sport, too.” Hendricks also weighed in on the matter and says he doesn’t care if GSP retires or not, he just wants what is clearly his, the belt. Josh Koscheck was brutally knocked out by Tyron Woodley in the first round, leaving many to question if Koscheck has the chin for MMA anymore. Chael Sonnen was man-handled by Rashad Evans on Saturday, eventually leading to a knockout of Sonnen, which left me shrugging my shoulders because I’m not a big fan of either of those guys. But I’d say Chael needs to stick to his TV game and by the looks from the fight, Rashad probably has a chance to stick around fighting for awhile. Robbie Lawler won his fight with Rory MacDonald in a decision left to the judges. And finally, according to Dana White, Jon Jones has withdrew from UFC 170 due to injuries.

A proud Wilson in his new Red Dragons jeans.

In other big news, your Ugg boots, the ones made out of sheep skin? Yeah, they’re made out of sheep skin and a sheep has to die for you to look ridiculous. Okay, that doesn’t actually qualify for big news, but this does. Next Tuesday, November 26th is the release party for Big Fucking Mega Boat, with a live show at some go kart track and everyone is invited, even Wilson. According to local Thailand expert, Dingo, those people are greasy and he used to be full of grease as a young boy in Thailand. NFL news time with expert professional football statistician, Rawdog. Peyton (nay Paytaun) Manning threw the ball towards other guys that were themselves running towards the goal. There was a 2 hour windy mud delay in Chicago creating what might have been the longest football game in the history of tennis. Somebody kicked a field goal and then they won. Stealers beat the Lions by going hard in the paint for rebounds. Wilson is sporting some Red Dragons jeans that make his butt look incredible and cause people to scream Red Dragons anytime he passes by shaking his money maker. Just ask Katie. And Ashley. And your mom.

Jason says the show is repping Onnit hardcore, but oddly, they never mentioned a contest sponsored by Onnit because Onnit wants to give back to TJES fans. Strange, because you’d think a shitball website dedicated to TJES & running a contest by Onnit would be worthy of a mention, but nooooo. (Calm down, it’s a joke.) Anyway. This brought us into an episode of “You sir, are a moron.” The first topic up, should you have the right to burn the American flag? Next topic, how many times jerking off in one day is too many? Next, who is the most over-rated musician of all time? Next, would you turn your mom in if she killed someone? And then, what if your wife had an outtie belly button? I think there was another one before that, but I missed it. Next, is it wrong to give money to organizations like PETA? And finally, what is the highest job in “office” (political) would anyone on the show be qualified to hold? So there ya go, questions without answers to keep you up at night. But good news, I have one more question, this time with an answer to help give you closure. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? He cried because his wife got it in the divorce, along with the farm, his 3 kids, his happiness, his money, and his dog named Tim. Oh and his dignity. And there you have it. “Don’t die” is Ellis’ saying, so I’ll end this recap in my own way, while saying pretty much the same thing.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/11/2013

Posted on November 11, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Shout out to NYA’s only reader. Our only friend.

Hello Bungday, we meet again. Hello readers, we meet again. Hello walls, how’d things go for you today? The shit you hear inside your head maybe like what a snake hears via it’s belly. Who fucking knows, science? SOMEONE GET ON THAT, PRONTO! Dingo has a sweet gold chain on today, so says Ellis. Rawdog has a replica of a chain like Dingos, it’s plastic, painted gold, and from a fair or some shit – you know, baller status shit. The studio is moist today, so is Dingo, and people in the Philippines, so shout out to them – but fuck that typhoon Haiya, no shout out for that typhoon. Fall Out Boy shout out the Philippines, Tully even saw them tweet it, still, no shout out to Fall Out Boy either. Dingo went snowboarding on Saturday and got shit-whipped. Dingo also agree’s that Katie has a great ass, no homo. People see your face differently than you see your face, which is why everyone seems to ask you, “what’s up with your fucking face?” If you got a true mirror, where your image is reversed so you can see yourself like others see you, then you too can hold your vomit back. Just kidding. I’m sure you look splendid. Very pretty. Beautiful even.

More titles to read to your children at bedtime.

Ellis bought his kids the Shaun White skateboard ramps, because… Well, I don’t know why. Whatever. Anyway, he had parenting stuff this weekend, Tiger kicked some goals – not that kind – but literal goals in soccer, 6 to be exact. Some stinky kid was there. Nobody said shit to Stinky McGee, but everyone was waiting for him to burst into a shit-smelling cloud of nasty. Tiger scored on Smelly Turd-Turd which made daddy proud because red-headed Greasy Shitfartington was being a fuck knuckle. Tully met Thomas the Train. I remember when my kid was into that shit, it fuckin’ sucks and it’s even kinda creepy. Anyway, he got serious douche chills because of all the shame and passive-aggressive behavior that show teaches children, but now it was in real-life form, right in front of him. Rawdog did not meet Thomas, instead, he mentioned The Berenstain Bears and how he thinks it was a Christian based cartoon. And if anyone needs Jesus, it’s all y’all motherfuckers and Mr. Adultery himself, Rawdog.¹ Actually, he’s not Mr. Adultery for the time being as he broke up with Karla over the weekend. You can tell he’s bummed, but it sounds like he also felt it was for the best, but of course still feels bad about it.

Pretty much everyone’s face when they’re trying to hurry up and finish masturbating.

Tully finally came clean. No, he’s never fucked Wilson’s ex-wife. He did however tell us that the new Death! Death! Die! album is planned to come out of the proverbial closet² on Tuesday November 26th and there will be an on-air release party. He also says that the website should be updated within the next day or two where the album will be on pre-sale for you to pre-order and pre-cum. Also, he’s never bought a chick a dildo, but has bought plenty of vibrators. For women. And nothing too crazy, like a vibrating fist or Thor hammer. Also, he’s the best total package his wife has ever met. He thinks. Actually he feels really confident about that, he might not be the best cocksmith, but it was enough to rock his wife’s world. But as everyone knows, the real test for any marriage is the Rawdog test. If Rawdog bangs your wife and she doesn’t go back to him, you won. But if her Rawdog appetite is insatiable, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. Oh, and chicks that are too hard to make cum, that’s on them, not you. I mean, as long as you’re trying and not a total dick, or treating them in a way they don’t want to be treated. Also, its okay if the chick tells you that she needs to finger herself or she’s not gonna be able to cum. Lots of chicks can’t cum with just a cock jammed in their wee-wat. If you’re not okay with it, maybe you need some therapy. Or maybe she hates you and your smelly balls. Who knows, but you better ask somebody.³

Wait. What? Hendo got knocked out?

A new draft of the California bill to force porn stars to wear condoms is out, now they want porn stars to wear goggles. Which clearly is an attempt to force the porn industry to make more material for the goggle-fetish porn fans and screw over the jizz on my eyeball-fetish porn fans. Ken Block isn’t in porn, but he does have a new video out today, Gymkhana SIX, and it does not star Vin Diesel, or Rob Dyrdek. Ken called into the show and confirmed that indeed, his new video came out today, but he said nothing about not being in porn – so what I’m saying here is that he might actually be in porn.⁴ Vitor Belfort and Dan Henderson fought over the weekend and Vitor won by TKO in the first round, which might have included the very first time Hendo has been knocked out, even if just for a second. Jeremy Stephens won by knockout 40 seconds into the fight with a head kick. Want more MMA news? Head on over to your favorite MMA news website. What? No. I don’t have one to suggest to you, do your own damn clicking. Moving on, a Russian performance artist freaked out tourists when we nailed his nads to the street. He said it was a metaphor for Russian society, but nobody gets it. Red Bull is not in porn, but they too have a video out. Actually, they have a lot of videos, but this one is about a half-mile long supercross rhythm section.

How’d you react to the show logos that you couldn’t see? Be honest.

Ellis needs a logo for the show, and not the one on the show’s signature cum rag. So they sent Wilson some logos and before he even showed anyone, he sent them shits back because they looked like hell. Before we could get into logos though, Wilson’s wearing a Sam Rubin style watch that was given to him by a phone company to switch his service. Now, back to logos that we can’t see. Wilson flipped through several options and gave minimal descriptions for the listener’s, such as “then there’s this one” which really gave everyone a good visual representation of the logos. Ellis had a meeting with his new manager today, sounds like he’s stoked and thinks it will be beneficial to errybody. NFL talk time, Rawdog won this weekends round of bets with Tully on who would win, someone was supposed to get shocked or something and Ellis read a portion from his book. Oh, and racism. I have no idea how all this ties into to one another, I didn’t catch all of that part so you’ll just have to suffer. Hey, remember that site Ashley Madison? Some Brazilian chick is suing them for 20 million because her wrists hurt from typing up so many fake profiles for the site. And before I forget, OH!⁵

Footnotes:
¹ Just joking. That pretty much puts me in the clear, right?
² I know, that makes little to no sense. Just roll with it.
³ Or don’t. See if I give a shit.
⁴ Eww.
⁵ What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Babies can get cancer.

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013

Posted on October 31, 2013 by jenni_mazky

It’s Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!! Which, at first was going to be exciting and great and then turned in to my own personal shitfest, but thank the maker (that I don’t actually believe in) for The Jason Ellis Show to distract me from punching cunty bitches in de face. Also, it being Halloween explains why there’s a Racist Blackface Zombie in the studio in Josh’s place…and…what the hell is the deal with zombies being super popular anyway? Um, guys, they’re awesome- that’s the deal. They are super versatile and range from comedic to drama and horror purposes, and The Walking Dead juggernaut has only made zombies more awesome and has kept them popular because if Daryl Dixon was a real person I’m pretty sure he and Ellis would be besties with matching zombie ear necklaces.

Prior to the beginning of the show Sam Rubin was having a meeting with Ellis so they could bounce around some ideas for television shows that’ll get Ellis on the air and then he sort of stuck around for the first part of the show to shoot the shit with the guys and toss around some more tv show ideas. Sam says that he was super excited for his meeting with Jason, but feels like he sucked balls and that’s because he’s dealing with Ellis who isn’t afraid to tell anyone what he thinks no matter who he’s talking to. But it does seem like they laid a little bit of brick down on the yellow brick road which will lead Ellis to TV land. Sam seems to be a fan of just having a camera follow Ellis around and tape his wacky slapsticky life (which may or may not be all that wacky and slapsticky) but Ellis says that it isn’t enough, there needs to be an angle. A racist zombie angle, perhaps?!?!?!?! Tully brings up the point that there really aren’t that many reality shows around anymore that are just a camera following someone around anymore, that reality shows have become wayyyyyy more heavily produced and are more concept-driven and capture an all around lifestyle. The guys and Sam break down the current reality TV sub-genres which include shows focused on famous people because some people are so famous that audiences will tune in just to watch them, there are the reality shows where audiences tune in to gawk at live action train wrecks like Honey Boo Boo, and there are the concept reality shows that try and have some sort of substance and tend to have a good mix of shenanigans. They toss around some ideas for pitches for a show for Ellis and what seems to be a winning idea is the Jason Ellis version of the Ultimate Fighter, which to me sounds like The Ultimate Fighter meets Real World/Road Rules challenge, and culminates in Ellismania. Tully has another idea where there could be a TV show about the radio show interspliced with recorded out of studio segments like Andy Dick’s Fart Hunters.

As I said, Sam Rubin is on for the first part of the show, and to be honest every time he’s on he gets a little more on my nerves and makes me want to shoot myself in the face because he loves to hear himself talk too much and the only reason that I tolerate him is because he has the know how and the drive to get Ellis a tv show. He tells tales about working on E! with Julianna Rancic and how he thought he was going to be hired for a permanent spot until he went into a meeting and accidentally talked the network out of hiring him. Ellis is on the hunt for a new manager because he thinks that it will help things like Ellismania run smoother and help get more people on the show, and as we all know, the show getting bigger is a win for everyone. Jason talks about how Ellismania 9 was inspiring for him, despite all of the shit, because he realized that with everything that went wrong, Ellisfam adapted and rolled with it because fans of radio shows really are more attached and dedicated and loyal than fans of television shows. Sam talks about how he thinks they should get some sponsors together and buy their own radio station because running a radio station can’t be all that hard, which pisses Wilson off. Wilson tries to school Sam a bit on how it’s no easy thing running a radio station, but Sam kind of gives him the brush off and Tully then basically tells Sam that he’s stupid.

All the while Racist Zombie is staring at Ellis’s head tattoo thinking of his big, juicy, meaty brain that he would love to nom on. Ellis mentions that when he was on vacation he noticed that he has less hair (when it grows in) but that doesn’t really matter because he has a bitchin head tattoo. And you can have one too!!!! Ellis says that, yeah, it hurts, but he thinks anyone can do it. He’s trying to decide what to add on to his head tattoo for sideburns, because he wants to tattoo his head/face area more because he doesn’t want to look like his dad (and hearing that made me a little sad because…yeah).

Now, in MMA news, Lyodo Machida beat down Mark Munoz by kicking him in the head and knocking him out in the first round. And Ellis missed it because he was on vacation and it blew his mind a little bit that Machida knocked out Munoz in the first round. Diego Sanchez and Gilbert Menendez also fought recently and had what Ellis described as the best fight that he had ever seen, which is really saying something considering he recently witnessed Sam Rubin duke it out hardcore with Tera Patrick (hahaha). But seriously, these guys went so hard that Dana White gave them both a $60,000 bonus for wailing on each other so spectacularly and making everyone who watched sure to tune in for the next fight. On the Ultimate Fighter, Cody had a hard time cutting weight to the end that he didn’t cut weight and he quit. He probably should have manned up and taken a salt bath with a loose butthole to make the cut, but instead he cried about missing his kids and made Ellis roll his eyes. In the girl fight the small girl whom Rawdog thinks is cute beat the bigger girl because if the small girl gets you on the ground she is going to end your life. Rawdog swears that he watched it and thought that the fight came to a decision, but in fact, the bigger girl tapped out to avoid her arm being broken by the smaller girl. Which made Tully and Ellis wonder how many people watch sports on television and completely miss what is actually happening. You know what people should watch and know what’s going on? Ellismania Cross…with zombies. People would be so glued they wouldn’t be able to miss a thing.

Next the guys whittle down the categories for The Reverse Awards and the categories this year are: Man of the Year, Woman of the Year, Most Alive Celebrity, Smallest Butthole, Best Movie, Best Band, Clean & Sober Living Award, Most Deservingly Famous Award, Most Welcome Comeback, Lifetime Achievement Award, The Rising Star Award, Most Un-Creepy Male Star, Best Wolfknife Name, Best TJES Guest Ever, Smallest Clit, Smartest Intern, Best Jingleberries Member, Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet, Realest Animal, and Best Religion. Among the categories cut is the Biggest Dick category? Why? Because it involves too much speculation. But the guys do debate for a while whether or not Ken Jeong’s dick is the micro dick as portrayed in The Hangover, and if he was really jacked off by a spider monkey? Ellis also speculates that The Rock probably has a micro dick, along with all other pro-wrestlers because why else would they feel the need to bulk up that much? The locker room at the WWE is the new House of Horrors Halloween attraction that you shouln’t miss if you want to be irrevocably scarred for life.

There are now two people on twitter who aren’t fans of TJES morning replays on Faction. Sorry guys, it’s only going to get worse. Ellis got a new camera so now Ellismania.com is even better. Tully always forgets that he is being recorded for Ellismania.com while he is on the air and doesn’t particularly like being on camera because he is more fidgety that the Rain Main when he is on camera…which is probably why he didn’t get the job after his screen test at E! But, we still love him, so long as he doesn’t fidget too much when pitching show ideas.

In Hollywood news….Janice ‘Faggy DickDick’ Dickinson and her crazy I Heart 911 lifestyle (because she calls them allllllllll the time guys) helped to stop a robbery in progress and is being touted as the craziest hero of all time as she says, “I am keeper of the gays.” John Cryer, who is the castmember of Two and a Half Men who looks the most like he did when he started on the show, is being sued by his ex-wife for more child support for their 13 year old son. Previously he had been paying a respectable eight grand a month in child support and now his ex wants nearly ninety thousand dollars a month so that his 13 year old can throw better parties and feel less ostracized by the other 13 year olds in town. Rawdog says that with his eight grand a month he knows what it’s like to live like a middle class teenager…and I’m still shaking my head at that. I’m pretty sure most regular middle class teenagers where I’m from have a part time job so they can make maybe a hundred extra bucks a week, not a hundred grand a year. To no one’s surprise, including her own, Lindsey Lohan is off the wagon again. And that is sad. She should play guitar and wear a bandanna like Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and learn to keep her nose clean.

Time to play a game!!!! It’s the Halloween edition of TJES Jeopardy guest starring the Former (but first and not former in our hearts) Li’l Miss Jason Ellis. Li’l Miss does a great job throughout the game, staying neck and neck with Tully (the reigning champ) right up until the end. Some gems from the game: Larry King is the ghost turd news reaper, Darth Vader has a bong in his helmet and he is your father, Gary Buscie is Kaiser Permanente fried, if your dick is going to explode don’t be afraid of going to the hospital, Wilson used to want to fire Ellis all of the time but Ellis wasn’t scared, and Iggy Pop is at the point in his life just before all his juices leave his body. Final Jeopardy is something associated with Halloween that is black, furry, has tons of friends, and is ripped off by the human race and deserves government housing. It’s not a werewolf, it’s not a spider, and it’s really really really not an Orc. It’s a bat!!!!!! Stupid.

Wrapping up the last part of the show there’s talk about a 12 year old allegedly finding a razor blade in his M&M’s after going trick or treating earlier this week. The lesson to be learned here? You will be punished for living in a lame town where you go trick or treating before Halloween and your mother probably has Munchausen By Proxy and is loving getting attention from this. She will also probably sue M&M’s and ruin children’s lives everywhere. Also, the couch for the studio finally arrives! The bitchin couch was designed by Grant Cobb, looks awesome, and totally fits in the studio (thank goodness). Tully also talks about how Halloween is probably the top holiday for casual sex encounters, because all the sluts come out. The actual sluts and the girls who only do their strut slut on Halloween are probably way more willing to have freaky costume sex on Halloween as opposed to any other day of the year. Also at the end of the show we get to hear some horrible sex advice from Tully, who got it from Cosmo, and the reactions to it from Racist Zombie and Rachel (Ellis in his robot girl voice). Some good advice to take away from this segment? Don’t fucking listen to sex tips from anyone at Cosmo because you will get punched in the face after tugging on your man’s pubic hair and putting pepper up his nose right before he orgasms. And honestly, if you’re dumb enough to do either of those things, you deserve a good punch in de face. At the very end of the show the guys also mention that they’ve been spending some time listening to the new Death Death Die! Album which is due to be released soon, and they all find it better than they expected. Ellis talks about listening to his song ‘My Blood’ while his blood (his kiddies) were in the backseat of the car. Tiger thought it was awesome, but Devin didn’t like it, which is basically what Ellis expected.

Things we learned today:

Ellis wants to have sex with girls dressed up as clowns

Tortilla chips sell more than potato chips

Racist Zombies have racist sneezes

Everybody in LA overtalks everything

Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z *are* 2 seperate books by Max Brooks

Kid Rock is the people’s philosopher

Katie made breakfast for the kids and Ellis thought he could marry her, but he won’t

If it’s wrong to make out with your dog after he licks your kid’s butt, Tully doesn’t want to be right

Pirates give you type 2 diabetes

Rachel might be a hermaphrodite

I’m pregnant, and it’s yours

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Tag Archives: Will Pendarvis

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/25/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/18/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/11/2013

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 10/31/2013