Tag Archives: New Music Tuesday

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 12/4/2012

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We’re just here for the strippers and midgets, bro!

Yo dude bro-bro dudes-bro! It’s Tuesbro, so let’s see what the bro’s have for us on today’s bro-show, you know, bro? I missed the first 20 bro-down minutes or so of the show, so I’m not sure what the topic was, but I came in right when Mayhem volunteered his mother to fight Rawdog. A blind man also called and offered to fight him as well. Not everyone can agree upon what is the cutest puppy, but one thing is for sure, Rawdog just might be the cutest puppy of them all. Deaf people definitely have deaf pride, all trying to rub their deafness in everyone’s faces, telling you they can feel sound vibrations and shit. But who would win in a war with deaf people versus blind people? What about midgets? Why aren’t midgets for sale yet? Some things in life just don’t make any sense. Lot’s of stripper talk today, their stripper tactics, their stripper games, and stripper etiquette.  Ellis popped Katie in the face today with some jabs while they were doing some boxing for a workout. She liked it and wanted more, biatch be cray, yo!

Steven Seagal teaches dudes how to wrestle, too!

Hollywood news time, Gary Busey’s bankruptcy case is now closed, but he still owes $450,000 to the IRS. Demi Moore’s banging some new young dude, and guess what? Tully knows him. Katt Williams is back in the news after leading cops on a chase, he stopped at Target and slapped the shit out of an employee. Katt seems to be out his gotdamn mind. Kim Kardashian is still in the middle east, but with what looks like herpes. Nick Lachey got into a fight with a San Diego Chargers fan, he was making fun of some other dudes shirt (tough guy stuff), this dude’s wife told him to eat shit or something, and then Nick-bro flipped out and got kicked out of the game. Frankie Muniz had a mini-stroke at the mini-age of 27, which would suck large-balls, so let’s hope his mini-ass gets back into better health. In the late 1980’s, Brad Pitt was caught with Mike Tyson’s wife, Robin Givens. Red Dragons! Tyson also revealed that he was high on cocaine while filming The Hangover. Randy Couture made a half joke that he would only come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal, so Seagal said he’d fight him for free at some place where there are no witnesses. Hugh Hefner had some chick leave him at the isle just before their wedding, but now it’s back on. Yay for money!

Fuck your Christmas songs, you need a Slayer tree topper!

New Music Tuesday Christmas edition today, we got hear new hits from such awful acts as Cee-Lo, John Travolta & Olivia Newton John, August Burns Red, Backstreet Boys, Colbie Caillat, Thousand Foot Krutch, Rod Stewart, Tracey Thorn, Flatulenta, Blake Shelton, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and fucking finally Sufjan Stevens as the pick of the week. All of it was absolutely terrible and was hell on Earth for most of us. Breaking news, Sal Masekela is dead, no wait, X-Games are dead, no, that’s not right either, Sal & ESPN broke up, yes, that’s correct. He will no longer be hosting X-Games. I wonder if they’ll remain friends and send each other Christmas cards? This whole Sal & ESPN thing spawned a massive conversation about hosts and people who interview athletes at sporting events. Aussie news, crocodiles are getting their Christmas dinners in early, sounds like they’re eating children left and right, I don’t even think they served yams.

Wanna have lunch with Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully? Tough shit, motherfucker. Just kidding, you can go bid on your chance to win that life altering moment, and when you win, prepare to fingered with mind tongue. In cock news, George Takei said he jacks off to completion in the shower while thinking of Ellis. You might not want to donate your spermies to a lesbian couple unless you have some sort of legal document that states they can’t come back after your ass for some duckettes. What is the difference between your mom and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/27/2012

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Remember the first time you saw Cumtard? Of course you do.

It’s Tuesday and nobody really knows anyone until you see them flip the fuck out. Example: Tully punched a bed once. Actually, that’s slightly misleading as Tully confirmed he’s the kind of guy that would plot your death if he were mad enough. Rawdog cried when he broke up with his chick. But hey, Usher and Justin Timberlake have cried before too, so don’t be a mother motherfucker. Speaking of Ursher (as Ludacris likes to call him) he’s a shitty singer but a good dancer, at least that’s what we hear. But can Ursher dance if his goddamned life is on the line? Probably not, he’s gonna die. There might be a dance off between the guys, the gauntlet seems to have been thrown down so we’ll have to see what kind of thuggery comes from this. Ellis thinks he may have damaged his secondary dick vein, not the main vein, we’re talking about the taggling dummy on the right side. Let’s hope this doesn’t have an adverse effect on his dance moves, should the dance off take place. It’s been suggested that Cumtard, the reverse fag-hag, could sell his own greatest hits album full of farts, vomits, and shits – for the low, low, price of $1.99! But the real question is, can dude dance his ass off? According to Cumtard, the majority of girls at a metal show are swampy, fat, beach ball chicks, which sounds a lot like a Juggalette.

Hell to the yeah they are baby, and that’s why we love you failed Hollywood starlets.

I don’t know if Satan just visited the phone lines or what the fuck went on, but callers were totally out of their shit shellacked gashes just before first break today. Hollywood news time, that crazy kid from Two and a Half Men? He’s still insane, and the guy in his whack job video that sat next to him? He had a pistol jammed in that kid’s ribs the entire time. Actually, that’s probably not true, but it would’ve made for a way better story. Remember Anna Nicole Smith? Her 6-year-old daughter wants to be a Guess model. No word on if she’s preparing by doing bumps of Fun Dip. Brad Pitt is filming a new movie, so your wives, girlfriends, what have you can diddle their axe gashes to that. He dumped $1,100 dollars into a charity bucket on a whim, he also dropped a load in several hot bitches’ buckets – allegedly. Halle Berry, Matthew McConaughey, and Jared Leto – what do they all have in common? Gout. That’s not true either, Leto had gout, Berry had bad relationships, and McConaughey had his run, so lets move on. R. Kelly is illiterate and pees on underage girls – Red Dragons, and Dolly Parton entered a drag competition and lost to others who were dressed as her – ouch.

Never doubt yourself, if these shitheads can make an album, you can do something too! I don’t know about defying gravity like this dude, but still.

You ever surfed on a red wave? And I don’t mean “have you ever eaten a chicks gash while she was on her period” kind of red wave, I mean a real, salt water, ocean – that’s red though. Me neither. But you know what we’ve all done? NMT. Alicia Keys was up first with Nicki Minaj and that bitch will give you gash rash. Next up was someone whose name sounded like “nostrils” so I was expecting something completely different. 50 Cent was up next, I don’t know how the fuck Adam Levine worked his skinny gash into the mix, but I don’t think it ups his street cred at all. Roc Marciano was up next, he used to part of Flipmode Squad and I’m guessing he wishes he still was, because the track we heard sucked a red wave. Yes, that kind. I don’t remember the rest, there was some jazz and jazzcult, but no jizzcult. More gash news, some dude was married to this chick for 20 years, turns out that chick he was married to was born a man. BA-ZING! You just got gashed, son!

Fuck it, I’m outta here. This re-cap is complete.

Final calls, let’s see if they’re anywhere near as fucktarded as today’s earlier calls. I walked in on the last part of Rawdog doing some freestyle rap – unfortunately, I have no idea what that was about. Some dude called about his snooping ass girlfriend getting mad at him for watching porn and I think I heard something about her never masturbating before – which has to be pure bullshit. Quick question. Would you lose respect for Rob Dyrdek if you caught him masturbating eight guys in his backyard? Well, this is the type of shit you need to start thinking about! Back to final calls. People still just don’t get it. People keep completely dropping the ball here. I’m going to give you a helpful tip, honestly. If you get through and the music starts playing at the end of the show – take advantage of the shit by SPEAKING, FARTING, SINGING, ANYTHING! Seriously, it doesn’t matter, the airwaves are yours! Alright, now that we have PSA out of the way, let’s talk about that massive bump on your mother’s forehead and how it got there. When she was little, people used to hang her from a clothesline and spin her until she puked. That’s not what did it though. Turns out, stopping her from spinning by using a shovel is what gave her the bump and the mental capacity of a 7-year-old. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/20/2012

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Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a young Paul Newman & Clint Eastwood. It’s a young Peter Newman & Carl Eastwood. They were made in Nigeria.

You know it’s Tuesday when I say it is. You can trust me. Ellis has been watching a lot of porn lately and noticing a plethora of weird dicks, testicles, and vaginas running around out there in the wild. He’s also made a decision that he has to stop running and hiding by watching porn, he has to go to Australia and face some demons. Ellis is 41, Faction is on channel 41, and George H. W. Bush was the 41st President – and numbers don’t lie! No idea what that means, but it’s gotta be something, right? Tully always got the cheap shit version of toys, like Transform Bots or GI Jerry (Rawdog got GI Jew, The Great American Hebrew), and staying true to form, Jude used to sharpen popsicle sticks into daggers. Why can’t Ellis just push a “Simulcast” button that automatically patches Jude and his show into TJES? I’ll tell you why, because Swinghouse, that’s why. And why doesn’t Jude have his own show without Lord Sear, called “Rude Awakening” (title courtesy of Tully)? I’ll tell you why, because Lord Sear would smother Jude with cotton candy and gravy and eat him. Rawdog can’t say black names without Jude pissing his pants in laughter, come to think of it, Rawdog can’t say much without somebody laughing until they puke. Jude enjoyed his day off yesterday with some new designer drug that isn’t illegal yet, it gave him a whole body buzz, the lights twinkled, and it gave him the urge to eat butthole – which he did.

Nigeria is kind of a fucked up place, a funny fucked up place.

Now that Jude’s sister has moved in with him, he’s got a new masturbation rig all set up. He props his iPad up on some crumpled up blankets and pillows, proceeds about his business until he starts getting a neck cramp from looking off to the side and that’s his cue to hurry up and bust his nut. Meanwhile, Ellis (aka Dr. Dick) has porn going all the time because if he doesn’t fuck Katie until it changes the way she smiles, she’s not happy. Jude claims that science says that semen makes women happy and I have to agree, haven’t you noticed how your mom comes home in a great mood every night? Dustin called into the show to say he’s fucking his lesbian cousin’s wife, and he’s also living with them. His carpet munching cousin knows they’ve been cuddling and kissing. And who is Dustin you ask? He’s the dude that got shot and hung up on because he wouldn’t turn down his radio and kept giggling like he was in a tickle fight in the green room with Will Pendarvis and Cumtard. Do you have a flesh zipper in the middle of your balls? You should, or you’re a goddamned freak of nature. Scientific proof came in that fat people are not only stupid, but are also happier in general than skinnier people. Which makes sense, if a bag of chips makes your big ass happy, then think what 87 bags of chips could do for you! In Nigerian news today, click-pop-clickity-click-aids-pop-poppity-click! Click-click-pop, clicky-aids-poppy-clickity-pop. The only thing not completely accurate about that last bit was the American accent on the clicks and pops, other than that, it’s spot on.

Not a lot has changed in Nigeria over time, but one of the biggest changes was AIDs.

Who’s ready for a massive burnout? Kranky is and you are too, right? Note the fist and the “we’re number 1” finger in the air – fuckin ledges, mate. Let’s watch another burnout, shall we? Whiteboy Pee (aka Rasta Mayhem Miller) stopped by the show, he’s dyed his hair & facial hair black like Hollywood Hogan and is wearing a new shirt. Mayhem’s been getting bored lately, so he offered Rawdog to put on the Hulk Hands and give him a pop in the face every now and then, so naturally Rawdog put the Hulk Hands on the wrong hand and then proceeded to punch Mayhem as hard as he could in the most friendly way possible – so basically a love tap. Hollywood news time, that umm, guy that does the voice of Elmo? Yea, he’s now resigned after having a second alleged incident with another tight, young, underage boyhole. Jackie Chan’s old and tired and said he’s not going to risk his life anymore to sit in a wheelchair or risk his life to get a disease from having poop in his dickhole. I missed whatever else was said here because bitches be trying to make me work and shit, yo. When I came back, Wayne Coyne, the singer from The Flaming Lips, shut down an airport by packing a fucking grenade in his luggage, which went over about as well as a turd in a punch bowl or a genocide in some poor country. Nas hasn’t been paying his taxes, and so his wages shall be garnished. And like Fletch, you just know he’s going to hate the idea of garnishing his wages. I missed some more of this segment when bitch-ass ass-bitches wanted me to do more work. How dare they!

Today was of course NMT and I know you couldn’t be more excited about it! That’s why I’m going to be a total poop-dick to you and say absolutely nothing about it. Now is about the time I’d ask you something like “what is the different between an abortion and sand?” and tell you that you can’t eat sand. But I’m not going to do that today. No. Instead I’m going to tell you how I normally do my laundry. Step 1: Fill bathtub with warm water. Step 2: Add laundry detergent. Step 3: Place your mother in the bathtub and shoot her up with a nice speedball. Step 4: Wait until your mom starts convulsing in the bathtub. Step 5: Throw my dirty laundry into the bathtub. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/6/2012

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What the fuck is your problem? Come at me bro!

Hey fucker, did you vote? Well did ya? Huh? Vote? VOTE? DID YOU VOTE? Fucking hell, we’re almost over it, and I know we’ll all be much happier when we stop hearing about politics and shit. Oh, and when Rawdog has to suck that dead horses dick. Speaking of which, dead horse dick guy called into the show to confirm details on the 10-12 inches of limp, dead horse dick he will be sending to the show. Shit is getting serious, folks. Ellis has decided that he’s going to be a weightlifter. Make of that what you will, but sounds like Rawdog will joining Ellis at the gym, pumping iron. Bets are already rolling in on when Rawdog will be quitting his new found love for weightlifting. HOLY SHIT! Ellis and Tully almost got knocked over by the zit on Rawdog’s temple, Tully thinks it’s big enough to be registered to vote. Canadians are all wondering what it’s like to vote in a leader of the free world, and boy are they’re bitter about it. What do you think about having a vampire as a President? Who cares, Jude came in to the studio and he don’t give a shit about that or Joe Biden’s hair line. Know what else? Jude don’t snitch, except when it’s on Rawdog, because that shit’s fun as fuck son!

I look the same after lifting weights as I do when I go to Home Depot.

Nobody else could fit in the studio because of that fetus of zit growing on Rawdog’s head, so Ellis took matters into his own hands and aborted that thing. I thought I heard a spank noise and crying afterwards, but that may have just been my imagination. Hollywood news times again, Lindsay Lohan did or said something or another, I’m not sure. All I know is she’s not worth talking about, plus I can’t stop thinking about that goiter on Rawdog’s head. Kirstie Alley said her and Patrick Swayze fell in love on the set of some piece of shit movie, but they were both already married so they never actually physically fucked, only emotionally. Ellis will be going to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, who all have great tits, and Katie had never seen National Lampoon’s Vacation until last night. Nobody really knows how that is even possible, but then again, nobody really knows what trimester that thing on Rawdog’s head was in. Would you live with Ewoks? Some people think Ewoks are adorable, Ellis would marry 17 of them, and thanks to Tully, we learned way more than we needed to know about Ewoks. Is JizzCult really Superman? Does this explain why he always disappears? Is he out there fighting crime? We’ll never know his real identity or how deep his love is for Cumtard.

This is why you don’t see any pictures of your mother as a child.

Will weed be legalized today in Colorado? HAHHAHAAAMOTHEROFPEARLHAHHA Fuck no, even if it passed, some shit dick would leak shit out of their dick until it was illegal again. What a dick full of shit. Will murder be legalized in West Virginia? You better hope the fuck not, because there’s going to be an influx of pussies from West Virginia making an exodus, maybe into your state. The rest of those crazy fuckers will be looking to murder some shit in their murdering-ass state. New Music Tuesday flashback to November 6, 1992 – will it be good or will it be shit? Things kicked off with some Rage Against The Machine, which is fucking kick your grandma down a flight of stairs awesome! Things went straight to shit from there with Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Whitney Houston, and Jade. Ice Cube kind of picked up the pieces of shit that had fallen from the previous three gaping bands, The Pharcyde, and Kool G Rap & DJ Polo helped as well. Then we had some sad ass Leonard Cohen, followed up by some gay ass Bon Jovi, some stupid ass Biohazard, some punk ass NOFX, and some hokey ass Ween. Next up, Ellis Jeopardy, or what I like to call, Tully’s going home with an extra 6 bucks. Then final calls, and we all know how well those usually go so no surprises there. You’re grandpa used to tell all his friends a joke that involved your mom. It went like this, “How do you make a 10 year-old girl cry twice? Wipe your bloody cock on her teddy bear.” And that’s why still to this day, your mother cries when someone gives her a teddy bear and 10 bucks. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/30/2012

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Dre ain’t gay, but his headphones are!

Coming to you live, from quite far away from the apocalyptic storm that has shat all over the Northeastern United States of Motherfucking America – it’s a Tuesday re-cap for your ass. Ellis woke up early to watch more Claire Danes movies, I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence or if he’s one more movie away from joining the Claire Danes street team. Tully’s kid is starting to be a real dickhead – his schedule is all fucked up from traveling to Japan and he hasn’t been sleeping, which means he and his wife haven’t been sleeping either. For the sake of humanity, some people are hoping Rawdog is sterile and instead shoots loads of Fanta, he also cannot do a handstand or even really get his legs in the air without help. Jude stopped on the show today after having yesterday full of hallucinogens and all day fucking, he’s sure there are at least a few homosexual rappers, but 50 Cent isn’t one of them. Do gay dudes ever fuck chicks? What percentage of gay dudes have never even touched a girl? According to Jude, DanOD5 was so faggy, it helped him pull more poon.

Stop domestic violence, support titty kung fu!

TJES correspondent, Bryan Cullen, called into the show to give us a live, on location, rock you like a hurricane, news update from the eye of the storm. The storm is going door-to-door giving people AIDs, this storm really is son of a bitch. Cumtard gave us some breaking Hollywood news – Disney has purchased Lucasfilm and so there will be a Star Wars Episode 7 in 2015, white people are pissed and black people don’t give no fuck no how, nah I’m sayin? Apparently Edward Furlong has not only gotten to fat shit status, but now he’s obtained wife beater status as well after being arrested at LAX for domestic abuse. Jude used to see him at parties every now and then, and fat shit wife beater actually stole a chick from Jude once. Octomom checked her gaping snatch into rehab and left her 14 little money makers with a nanny (or nannies and friends) while she gets off the pill train. And of course, we can’t talk pills without talking about Jude, Tully, and Tully’s dope sick wife. Okay, she’s not really dope sick, but she would be if she just picked up the fucking pace already.

If NYC falls to Sandy, the Republic of Jesusland is our last hope.

Backbone called back in to give us and update, the hurricane has now become a full on war, NYC is now bombing and shooting the storm. Shark people with metro cards are forming in the subways and planning a retaliatory attack. Cameron Diaz is not hot and you could pilot a supertanker between her tits, but that fact sure pisses some people off. Just ask the callers. Lucky us, along with Sandy2012 it’s also New Music Tuesday today. There was a band called Halitosis or some kind of osis that seemed okay, but the Red Solo Cup guy sounded like shit on a boot heal. Some chick kept repeating the word “touch” for what felt like 35 minutes, it may have been longer, I’m not sure because I blacked the fuck out. Bad news, the shark people have registered on Twitter and have put forth their demands. Good news, in a last ditch effort to save humanity, Tully registered shark people on Instagram. Your mom finally broke down and told the real story of how she started to be a whore. It all made sense, I remembered when you had asked me, “Why did the little girl drop her balloon?” I replied, “Because she was being raped in the mouth.” OH!