Tag Archives: Jason Ellis

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/16/2013

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twerkin_belly

If you can’t be fit, might as well twerk that belly, son!

Happy Tuesday readers, it’s me, bitPimps, filling in for the birthday boy, shit_toboggan. Have you wished him a happy birthday yet and told him how beautiful his cock is? Fantastic, let’s see what was in store for us today on the show! Did you know that most people have shit on their hands? It’s true. Ellis is running with world champion boxers, not underwear, but actual people. I mean, he probably still wears underwear too, but you get what I’m saying. He feels as tired as Lance Armstrong’s dead ball. Tully thought it was crazy to have a slice of cucumber in his water, turns out though that he now thinks it’s the shit. Big day at Tully’s childhood home in the past. His sister got a piece of brillo pad in her spaghetti, they told the manager and then BAM! Free dessert for the whole family! Who says getting terrible shit in your food has to be a bad thing, right? Tully once hooked up with an Irish chick he wanted his wet American dick because she knew she’d never make it to America. Freedom wad! Wads for peace! Red, white, and wad! They may take our wad, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM! Ok. Did I beat that into the ground yet?

best_album_cover

You may have a nice album cover, but you’re no Jack The Cunt.

Jude stopped on the show today, he’s feeling all inspired now that Ellis is training, Tully is starting his road to fitness, and Rawdog has been doing his workouts. Now Jude’s starting to ramp up his exercise routines and says he started porking out a bit while he was in New York. Jude was banging this chick the other day (he didn’t gas out), his buddy comes over to pick up some pills, so he talked the chick into a threesome with his buddy. He fronted pills to his pal and got him a blowjob from the chick, and then when his friend goes to leave, he says, “you got a bit of belly there!” I assume that dude knows that non-sharing mushroom chick that Rawdog knows. Jude thinks poor people have AIDs, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck poor people. Maybe that’s why Jude got kicked off the Instagrams for the third time. RIP JuderMcDuder. Now that Jude dresses like the oppressor, nobody in Detroit will talk to him anymore, including his friends. First time in the history of the universe we got to hear a new song from Death! Death! Die! (featuring Dingo & Rude Jude), called Jack The Cunt.

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Got my t-shirt mentioned, not used, but a mention is good enough.

A post office in Alabama was evacuated last week after a package started leaking liquid, and some Bamites (?) were rushed to the hospital only to find out the leaking liquid was KY lube. Mayhem was in the news recently, while wielding a knife, he said a comeback to the cage is possible after he has 2 knee surgeries. Speaking of comebacks, Tito Ortiz had posted a now removed post & picture of him on the steps of the Bellator offices and said something inferring he might be fighting for them, but then says “time to look elsewhere”, so who knows. And speaking of t-shirt companies, Ellis is trying to come up with t-shirt ideas. Fans of the show can draw up their own designs and if chosen, Ellis will collaborate on it with you and give you some free shit for your troubles! Send your submissions to tshirt@ellismania.com between now and August 15th. Rumor is spreading that Michael Bisping got knocked out while training at Wild Card for being a dick, but that’s just a rumor as of right now. A woman in Tennessee went to see a doctor, and instead of needing a backiotomy, the doctor diagnosed her with “Ghetto Booty.” He gave her some pain pills and then presumably told her shake it like a saltshaker because she got all like “word?” and he was all like “what?” The Onion put out a story that George Zimmerman won the lottery and shitload of people fell for it, not knowing The Onion is a satire news site. A guy in Seattle crashed and 8-year-olds birthday party, stole 2 slices of pizza and some balloon animals like a god damned legend! Apparently there is a Swollen Members song called Kyla and at the very end of the song, you can hear Ellis and others screaming Red Dragons.

So you say you want more news?

It’s Tuesday July 16, 1968 and it’s New Music Tuesday time. And that’s all I can really tell you about it, otherwise it might rip a hole in the space-time continuum and then we’re all fucked. In reality, I can’t tell you because my kid had her iPod stolen so I had to deal with that shit while they were going through NMT. Awesome. Good times, good times. Hollywood news time. And that’s all I can really tell you about that as well, otherwise I’d have to give two shits, and I don’t. And with that, I’ll leave you with this. What did the Mexican get for Christmas? My daughter’s fucking iPod! OH? Nah, that’s not that funny, I’m just mad. Let me try again. An African American boy and his dad are taking a walk on the beach. Suddenly, the boy notices a Caucasian boy and his dad, and the white boy holding his dad’s penis. The African American boy sees this and wants to do the same. So he proceeds to ask his dad, “Daddy, can I hold your penis while we’re walking?” His dad says, “No, you cannot.” “But, please! Let me hold it.” said the boy. The dad replies, “No, I wont let you do that” The boy demands, “I WANT TO HOLD IT, COME ON!” So the dad finally replies, “Okay, okay! But stay where I can see you!” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/15/2013

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rawdog_the_chronic

Thug life.

Holy shit. Did you see Monday’s re-cap of Friday’s show? It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. Let’s see if I can do a better job with today’s re-cap! Aaaaand done. There ya go! All I had to do was get the name of the post and date right. HAHAA! Okay, all kidding and razzing aside, lets see what we have in store for us today, or actually. Let’s start with what we don’t have in store for today, Dingo. We got no Dingo today, he’s in Jamaica or some shit. And then we got spoken to about tits, deep, deep underwater, aliens inside of us, and gaping. Angler fish are fucked up looking and they’ll explode if they’re not in the deep, deep underwater depths of the ocean. Are there any monster’s that have fucked to spawn another monster? It appears that yes, indeed, there was a baby Godzilla. Ellis isn’t a dog beater, he’s salty with Burger Ellis, but not all abusey and shit. Bas Rutten is like the Bruce Wayne of southern California. Ellis thinks his ex-wife might be going to clubs full of only rich guys. This brought up rich dudes that pay for a matchmaking service to hook them up with potential wives. Why do these rich guys need a matchmaker? Probably because they’re uber assholes that don’t really care about the other person, they just want a hot trophy to fuck and someone who they can string along by enticing by dangling the all mighty carrot (money) in front of their faces. Ellis thinks Gabe Ruediger will end up backing out of his fight with Ellis, and Ellis says he might just go into a career of boxing once he demolishes him. Oh, and Rawdog recorded a rap single with his little brother, MC Young Yiddishy, over the weekend.

soul_sister

Look, that’s just badass.

So, that Asiana Airlines crash that happened? They’re going to sue KTVU-TV over broadcast of racist fake pilot names, those being: Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow. Talking about the reporters who were fooled into reading those names, up came the reporter lady that fell while stomping grapes and made funny noises while having the wind knocked out of her. Then there was Trayvon Martin talk, and holy shit I ain’t even gonna get into this shit storm of a discussion. I’m sure there are plenty of outlets for you to read and discuss it if you like. Anyway, that discussion took up the better part of an hour, so let’s see what was next. Over 70 percent of American’s keep their smartphones within 5 feet from them and 12% have used their smartphones while making whoopie. Rawdog’s doggy-style partner, Karla Lane, was on the show today and Rawdog does not want Ellis to put his balls on her. We found out that it’s specifically Ellis that Rawdog has an issue with when it comes to Karla. He’s okay with her career and multiple cocks, but anything to do with Ellis, he get’s super territorial. It seems to be the foreskin, because both Rawdog and Karla have an aversion to it. Rawdog has been doing more doggy style and he also had his first shower sex recently, so shout out to his cockery skills.

That last exchange between Ellis, Rawdog, and Karla re-hashed some feelings from a few weeks ago, what has come to be known as the infamous Chick-Fil-A incident of 2013. Tully thought Ellis was making a bigger deal out of it than Rawdog was, things got a little heated but simmered down fairly quickly and the show moved on. In case you didn’t know, Ellis has an Instagram (@wolfmate) and he got 4,700+ likes on a video of his lizard skateboarding and doesn’t know how he got that many views. And that pretty much wrapped up the show, minus of course all the final callers that still don’t understand that you’re supposed to talk the show out, not ask questions. Speaking of fuctarded people. What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina?
Only one fifth of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded. OH!

easter_bunny_waits

Sweet dreams childrens!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 7/11/2013

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Devon Ellis! You better not be reading this or we’re going to tell your mummy and daddy, young lady!

shine_and_shinier

Hide yo kids, hide yo’ wives, cuz NYA is ruining young minds up in hurr!

It’s Thursday and people are testing my shit, what’s up with that shit, huh? Fuckin’ hell. Space helmets, Prometheus robot sticking a finger in your drink, and World War Z idiot. I don’t know what any of that is about (thanks work) and next thing I knew they were talking about having crazy gills, being able to swim like a dolphin, looking like an old shriveled ball sack, and swimming at the bottom of the ocean. Aquaman and old fish people could not swim as fast as a shark. So, everybody good and lost like me? Fantastic! Let’s see how much more I can miss because people are fucktarded. When’s the last time you hung out with an old guy and he wasn’t an ex-marine? Rawdog thinks he’ll be a cool old person and thinks he’s an “old soul” plus he likes camomile tea. Ellis’ ex, Andrea, thinks Ellis is racist against the Jews, but in reality he only hates Rawdog and her ex-boyfriend.

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Rawdog leaving Nana’s house.

Rawdog thinks his sister, Dumb-Dumb Snaggle-Tooth, is smart – like all the Jewish girls he knows or ever met, including his mother and Nana. He also thinks Asians are generally smart, but he can’t explain why they can’t drive and there are no Asian Nascar champs – go figure. Tully, on the other hand, thinks Albanians are stupid, genetically pre-disposed to be dumb as fuck. Remember yesterday how Ellis talked about his daughter seeing some stuff online? Yeah, well, turns out No You Are might be partially to blame for that. So uh… sorry about that! Makes sense though. NYA is written by a bunch of 8 year-olds. KACHOW! Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen and move on, cool? Cool. So uh, you on some of that d-ball son? It’s slang for “Duribol” which is an anabolic steroid typically injected in your ass.

creepy_phone

What’s more terrifying, old people or Freddy Krueger?

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Rawdog & his girlfriend have his & her towels.

There’s a new anti-gay law in Russia, if you have any kind of homosexual propaganda and you could be fined and spend time in the polar clink. What’s even more weird is that unbeknownst to Rawdog, his girlfriend texted Ellis to ask him not to do anything to Rawdog’s cock and balls anymore now that he’s using them more. Ellis wants to have an Alice In Chains party and play more Alice In Chains on Faction. So the guys went through a bunch of their songs and picked out several to be put in rotation. This moved into some Elvis Costello song searching, but just for a bit because there’s just not enough time to delve into his deep tracks. When I suggested more Oingo Boingo and Rawdog agreed, it earned him a dick punch and me another lashing from Ellis and Will. So far today NYA has been bad and now me, I swear, this is not how my mother raised me! Corey Taylor (Slipknot) has a new book out that deals with the supernatural. It’s called: “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process)” God damn that’s a long title. Brian Stann has retired from the UFC. That’s enough news for you, now it’s time for the Google auto-complete game that you don’t get to play, so there! I’ll tell you this much, Ellis and Rawdog have both gotten plane boners before, on long plane rides with some vibration and viola, they had plane boners. We were all having lots of fun with the game. And then Mayhem walked into the studio and brought that shit to a loud, screeching, halt.

come_on

Me yelling at Mayhem, who is yelling on the radio.

After a break and prepping for Mayhem’s antics, we came back to Hollywood news. Luckily for you, I was stuck in traffic so you’re going to get the abriged version. Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket, Lil Twist got nabbed for DUI with a blunt in his hand, Joe Rogan has a new show on SciFi, and then there was some other stuff. The leader of the Church of Scientology, yeah, his wife has been missing since 2007 – nobody knows where the hell she’s at or heard from her and anyone who asks about her is told that it’s none of their business. Sounds legit. Johnny Depp wants to buy the Wounded Knee site and give it back to the Oglala Sioux Tribe. Jason Ellis’ mom (technically, he’s Hollywood, right?) texted him to say she just watched the Howard Stern interview with him and says she never protected his father or something. There’s a new movie out called Sharknado, it’s on TV tonight, and it’s full of C and B movie stars. This movie makes me think the guys should make Jewclone. It’s a cyclone full of the Jews in the Holocaust, sounds pretty good right? What about a porno called Jewkkake? No? Fine.

jar-jar_bangs

Even still, nobody likes Jar-Jar.

Mayhem has a new clothing line and he wants to sponsor Ellis, the deal? Ellis will do it as long as Mayhem never tweets Dana White again, ever. No deal, of course. And that pretty much wraps up today’s recap. Thanks for stopping by and reading, we hope you return tomorrow for another exciting recap filled with laughter, important life lessons, and factually true stories like this one. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.” The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.” The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 7/3/2013

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kenyas_space_program

Just in time for the 4th, Kenya unveils their space program.

Here we are, last show of the week thanks to the 4th of July. MURICA! Ellis thinks it would be great to have Stern’s lovely locks, but he also believes you can create your own lovely locks, as he’s done with his head tattoo. It’s fun to make up stuff in your head, and sometimes it can be more satisfying than the shit you’re doing in real life. Tully has matured, as a musician. He used to play heavy and loud music, but now, other than Death! Death! Die!, he wouldn’t be looking to play the heavy stuff – but maybe more cracker soul type music. We got to hear some rap from the boys, should radio shows turn to just rapping and beats like Swayzizzle in the mornings. Culver City just be called Ball City, so you know what you’re gonna get when you go there. More talk about future Rawdog as a daddy, he thinks he’ll cut his fast food intake at least in half. And he’ll just sneak out of the house when he has to go get his McDonald’s fix, leaving his kids to fend for themselves with celery and carrots.

shannon_gunz

Who is Shannon Gunz, you ask?

Hospitals spend enormous amounts of money removing even more enormous objects from peopes’ asses. And with that, it’s NMT on Wednesday time. The best part? When Will had to record a New Music Wednesday button that talked about Josh “The Jewish Monster” Richmond beating the shit out of Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz, with his Jewish claws. Nelly has a new album out, and I only mention that because he’s from St. Louis, but I’m sure it sucks just as much as the rest of the stuff out today – errr… yesterday. Whatever. Jay-Z apparently has a few songs on his new album that deal with him being a dad and how he had nobody around to teach him how to be a man or good father, so he’s learning that now. This led us into Shannon “The Animal” Shenanigans Gunz Gunz being in studio to go against Rawdog in the primal challenge. If Rawdog beats Gunz, he gets to grab her box (over the jeans) and Gunz beats Rawdog, she gets to show Ellis her tits. Surprisingly, no vomit noises from Rawdog after his workout, but we did hear some nice grunting coming from Gunz while she did her workout. Wait, wait… scratch that, we finally got some vomit from Rawdog while Gunz was making girl tennis grunts and that’s when millions of wads were simultaneously blown around the globe. In the end, Shannon beat Rawdog, didn’t barf, and could talk on the radio right afterwards – so I guess she gets to show her tits to Ellis.

barney_my_pebbles

Women & Barney, am I right?

Women, am I right? time! Some chick saw a Muslim guy and freaked out because she thinks Muslim cab drivers drive for a year or so to save up money so they can blow themselves up. Then she called 911 to complain that she felt threatened by the Muslim driving the cab she was in. A female weather reporter doing umm, the weather, saw a little bug on the projector while doing her thing in front of the green screen and flipped the fuck out. A woman in Oklahoma called 911 after she got stuck in a charity donation bin. Two sisters in Miami got pulled over, the sisters switched spots (driver to passenger) and both got arrested for DUI. A woman in Massachusetts called police and said she had been abducted, but she just locked herself in trunk because she didn’t want to be arrested for DUI. A woman in New Zealand glued her lips shut and tried to call police for help by grunting over the phone. A couple having sex in an SUV ran over a woman who called 911 on them. A family of 3 from Ohio were arrested for attempting to sever fingers of a romantic rival with pruning shears. A woman in Kansas City, MO poured gas on a bus rider and threatened to light motherfuckers on fire because she wanted that god damned bus seat.

blurred_porn

It’s not porn if the Aflac duck is in it.

I forgot the rest while I was driving in traffic, so we’ll just have to skip ahead to some chick that started a website full of videos of couples “making love” (or whoopee) instead of fucking like in porn. Her idea is that the world will be full of better lovers if they watch boring missionary intercourse instead of porn star maneuvers. Little Timmy won’t expect to blast his load in little Jenny’s face, and shit will go back to the 1800’s where everybody was stiff, boring, smelly, and the complete opposite of hot. Oh, and her site is a pay-for service so you little kids with working credit cards, there ya go. Talk about dumb ideas, what horny kid is gonna opt for watching old & fat people making love when they can see cock starved whores gobble up wad like it was elixir from the fountain of youth, for free? Some would even argue that porn has made the world better. Could you imagine if you never got blow jobs or titty fucked? That’s just wrong. And with that, I’ll wrap up this re-cap so I can go make a brine for these chickens I’ma be smoking tomorrow for the 4th! Have a good rest of the week and weekend errybody! Oh, speaking of food and ‘Murica, let’s be real assholes and take a minute to make jokes about people from another country! Ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they. How do you start an Ethiopian rave party? Stick a piece of toast on the ceiling. What’s positive about Ethiopia? HIV. And what do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? Showing off. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/1/2013

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the_eh_team

Not even the “Eh-Team” could stop me!

Okay, okay, I’m back, it’s great to be back and I couldn’t think of a better way to come back than on Canada Day – especially after infiltrating the land of the mole people the week before. Hold the applause, please. What was my mission, you ask? Well, this was an operation with several missions, some of which I can tell you after being debriefed, and some of which I cannot tell you – unless you have the proper security clearance. First, I located and GPS tagged as many entrances to underground mole tunnels as possible. Then I found a crude cell built to hold one Mike Tully. Soon after, I found evidence that the Richmond family may have been involved in treason. And finally, I was to find a cure for moliosis – a disease that causes some Canadians to lose their sense of humor, especially in cases where jokes mention Canada. Oh yea, and the show is back too, after an impromptu cancellation of last Friday’s show. I have no idea what that was about, some say it was punishment, some say it was sickness, and yet others say it was Dom’s fault. Speaking of which, he seems to be missing from today’s show. Did he get 86’ed while I was away? I didn’t hear anything about it when listening to OnDemand.

grumpy_fish

Everything except hand jobs.

Did you know woolly mammoths are Jews? They have curly hair coming off the sides of their ears, like Jewish people. “Bleeding” Burger Ellis is in studio today, farting and bleeding all over the place and in a diaper. Rawdog hasn’t told his mom that he’s dating a porn star. Actually, he hasn’t told any of his family, but it’s mommy that’s the big one that might have an issue with it. The other girl he was sliding his dick into, right to the top? Yea, he dumped her non shroom sharing ass to the curb. But only after he pummeled that pussy like trout meat one more time. Here’s something. Tiger got to meet Shaq! And here’s something else. Tully was an honorary Girl Scout for 10 years, sitting in on brownie meetings and shit, poor bastard. Sounds like Shannon Shenanigans Gunz will be doing the workout with/against Rawdog on Wednesday! Which makes me wonder if she’ll accidentally queef while doing burpies. Jesus, what is wrong with me. Hand jobs aren’t sexual intercourse according to someone from some where. Sounds legit. Also, hand jobs make the world go ’round, along with loads to the face.

rondal_mcdonald_piggies

Slave to the McNuggets.

Chris Weidman called into the show today. A lot of people seem to think that he has the tools to beat Anderson Silva and end Silva’s reign as the middleweight champion. He (and other’s) say he’s better than Chael Sonnen and that he will make Silvia look human in a stand-up battle. He seems super laid back and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be mentally broken before the fight. Guess we’ll all find out this weekend when he fights Silva and UFC 162. If you don’t remember, Weidman was on the show before while they were in New York and had his house destroyed by hurricane Sandy. This led us into Rawdog’s workout. Rawdog says that Ellis picking on his shoes fucks up his workouts. So instead, Ellis will sing a song about how awesome Rawdog is while he’s doing his workout. It seemed to help get him focused and motivated, but it didn’t stop the after workout vomit session that he always has.

no_pudding_pops

Fuckin zippit bloopity shiggy doo a shoopa doopa appah clappah whoogly

The X-Summer X-Games were in Munich, X-Germany over the weekend and blah, blah, blah X-who gives an X-shit. A woman from Arizona was arrested for smuggling drugs from Mexico in her vag. She had a long, thick, chunk of meth in a condom that was so big, it had to be surgically removed. Something about Robin Thicke and dirty words, don’t care. Alec Baldwin got mad at some assfuck who tried to disrespect at his wife and then apologized for it because he tweeted some shit about the gay guy being a queen or something. Pendarvis realized that in the past few weeks, he’s called a straight man a queen – and I think he meant it maliciously and should publicly apologize. Wait. No. I don’t think he should apologize for that actually. J-Lo sang a few songs and some dude died. I don’t know, that’s as much Hollywood news as I’m willing to hear. More importantly, I really want one of those old school pudding pops. Chocolate banana to be precise. Bring that shit back Cosby! And with that, I leave you with this… A priest, pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink. OH!