EllisMania 9 is just around the corner! And EllisFam has some things to say to help you enjoy your time while attending EM9. From public service announcements and motivational comments, to general advice – these are things you should not only hear, but also… well, hear, I guess.
(by: @emilyinSD)
(by: @thegooser)
(by: @thegooser)
(by: @thegooser)
(by: @thegooser)
(by: @sharkchucker)
(by: @sharkchucker)
(by: @sharkchucker)
I came in a little late and Ellis was talking about rubber on fire and smoking in the yard burning kids and the only thing I could think was, “I didn’t think he wore condoms.” And then I realized that he’s talking about doing burnouts. If you are doing burnouts or having sex you have to stop when the cops show up. You gotta respect the police for putting up with your stupid ass. El Diablo Blanco is fighting this weekend, that’s The White Devil for all you people not fluent in Messican. Some how talking about the Devil Blanco Ellis shat 
out this pearl of wisdom, “When you get to the top you’re competing with natural ability.” Which pretty much means that you already beat out all the people without the dedication and drive as you and are on a level playing field of learned skill. Just like Deathbone McGee on the mega ramp. I’m not sure what that means but I just wanted to write Deathbone McGee. Ellis got five pairs of Metallica tickets to give away, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry. Ellis sang his song last night called My Blood. The main lyric is “My blood is out to get me” and he said it’s a dark metal song about, well, his blood i guess. What do you expect, I haven’t heard it yet, get off my back! Ellis had Katie sing it too so we will eagerly wait for that EP to come out.
A black man in Union Square yelled I’m gonna punch the next white man I see, and he did. Then the guy hit his head on the sidewalk and went into a coma and died. Ellis recalled the night coming out of nightclub when some fucking asshole punched him square in the pace while he has his arms around two ladies. The same thing happened to another dude the next nite but the dude died and that could have been big daddy Jace cakes and then this recap would make no sense at all. He remembered that when he was a kid fights were scary and ugly so he never really wanted to be in a street fight which is a good idea because it’s stupid and you never know, you might die. On a lighter note they played, You Sir Are A Moron, they talked about Astrological signs, ghosts, going to space, being a hitman, fucking Larry King and dying with Joan Rivers bloated skeleton in your bed every week.
Roger Black, aka Yucko The Clown, came in talked about his new show Brickelberry about park rangers and people and trees and a talking bear and bestiality. Sounds like everything a cartoon about a sadistic bear cub can ever be. He also talked a little about being on Howard and being a part of the Wack Pack and some other shit about this one cunt who played him to get herself famous and broke his heart and is hopefully currently in a pit of snakes that have herpes and syphilis. Yukko also said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” Anderson Silva did an interview about his front kick the he has been doing since his days as a wee youngster and how Steven Seagal is full of shit.
There were more fight submissions for Ellismania 9 and if you want to participate, send your submissions to radiofightclub@siriusxm.com or fightclub@siriusxm.com or something, I don;t really know, I just pretend to know. Apparently the monkey cats that shit out the monkey cat shit coffee are kept in bad conditions. So if you are an animal lover that loves monkey shit coffee you are really bummed right now. A video of a store owner that
mmmm, who wants a warm cup?
knocked out a robber with baseball bat was played today, so I found it for you too because I’m nice and shit. Fredericos is giving away free burritos on Monday now E.coli free! To be honest I was really stoked about this but then I found out that it’s only at the location that was serving the “shitting blood special” and not the one by me. I love me some free burritos. The Titanic Heritage Crusty Dusty Box Committee is mad at Redbull because they made a commercial that if the people that were on the Titanic had Redbull they would have been able to grow wings and fly to safety. This is bullshit, all that would have happened is the band that stayed on the boat would have played something more awesome like the Mexican Hat Dance or Breadfan. Also the Titanic committee said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” If Josh gets knocked out and jacked off by Nick Swardson after his fight, he’ll let Ellis put it on YouTube. I don’t know if Nick will knock out the bush baby but I do know that if you want to see someone jack off unconscious dudes you can go to YerMum@YouTube.com, OH!
This recap was written by Jenni Mazki. She took advantage of the opportunity to write a recap for NoYouAre, the same opportunity that is open to everybondy in the EllisFam. If you would like to write for NoYouAre just contact @bitPimps or @Az_RedDragon and they will tell you how. Head Dragons!
Be happy- don’t be pasty! Not only will you be one among the beautiful and happy tan society but people will like you more. In fact, maybe you should go and spend 10,000 hours outside working on your tan and be just as happy and likable as the happiest naturally tan person whom everyone likes. Or something like that. Personally, I advise copious amounts of sunscreen over this 10k tan session to try and minimize overall sun damage. Just make sure you aren’t albino, because no one will trust you as far as they can throw you. Also don’t be NBA player Blake Griffin for the same reason, and Tully is certain he can’t get Griffin off the ground.
TJES opened to a seeming stream of random consciousness starting with the opening monologue from Ellis speaking about how tan people are more likable than the more pasty skinned (though you’re excused if you’re naturally pale and just not too glued to the boob tube to go outside). And no, Raw Dog, Canadians aren’t pale- they get their snow glow on.
However, just in time for school, we’ve learned that Raw Dog skipped a grade (maybe or maybe not for parental bragging rights), was strangled during a play date with an 8 year old future sociopath, and a few months really makes a difference in the physical attributes of developing teenagers. Raw Dog slipped under the radar (because PTSD is a bitch), while Tully was always on the small side of the scale due to his July birthday, and Ellis was mildly blown away by the entire conversation as he dropped out in the 7th grade- but he didn’t care about being cool…he cared about just trying to stay alive. Hopefully someone really does create a campaign letting kids know that things really do get better after the raging hormone mind fuck that is school, that life doesn’t end because you fail a class or don’t ask the girl to prom, and there is more important shit in life.
This all was interspersed with the 10,000 hour conversation- that despite lack of natural talent, if you work at something for 10,000 hours you can be just as good as the person with all the God-given talent who puts in that same work. Ellis is a firm believer that hard work and persistence gets you where you wanna be in life, and it goes right along with his ’you control your own destiny’ mind set.
Some Ellismania 9 talk! Some videos of potential fighters for the shock collar fight seem to include Screaming Hymen and Highlands Drifter. Mike Jasper will have a chainsaw…it will not be a real chainsaw, because it’s the Hard Rock Hotel, not the Thunder Dome. However, the Hard Rock has already marqueed the big event. The pre-party on Friday is at the new club Vinyl, and there are rumors of EM9 giveaways like free tickets, room upgrades, a motorcycle, and other TJES swag (I said swag, I know, try not to hate on me too hard). Also…Tera Patrick vs. Sam Rubin in…outfits? I see awesome potential here.
Will there be tickets to the Jason Ellis Circus featuring Jason Ellis the traveling Lion Abuser? I would pay money to watch Ellis whip the shit out of a lion trapped in the back of his Mad Max-esque escape vehicle while cops tried unsuccessfully to capture him. I don’t watch tv, but sounds like anything wayyyyyy better then the scripted unreal reality shows that are played all day every day. Special guest appearance by Raw Dog, the Surly Drinking Clown, because clowns weren’t previously creepy enough.
Wilson, the out of the problem gambler closet, spoke often in a segment about (10,000 hours!!) gambling. Yes, he has a system, but he also gets tons of free shit and has only lost thousands of dollars a time or two. A true addict has his system down. The guys mostly agree (except Wilson who may have been itching throughout the conversation and looking around for slots) that they would rather spend gambling money on more substantial materialistic things, so that as least they would have something to show for the money that they were spending.
Danny Brown, if you are listening, or reading, or maybe you are listening to someone read this, you were aware that you were getting head on stage, you’re lying when you say that you didn’t realize what was happening. Be honest, you were high, very high…and you’re lying.
Now, it’s time for the origins of those famous/cliche sayings that have been around forever and no one knows where they came from. Lets nip it in the butt. Bite the bullet because you’re gonna murder yourself (or you might be a Revolutionary War era soldier who needs amputation), the cat has your tongue because of random violent cat attacks on men calling little girls bitches, people in the 1500s were dirty and threw their kids out with the bathwater because men knew about the dangers of water and the monsters within, and Raw Dog believes that he would be a medieval wizard (even though his iPhone would no longer work and he would be as dumb as the rest).
Detroit had to close down one of their McDonalds due to the fact the workers were on strike because they can’t live on minimum wage. We all know minimum wage is a joke and McD’s and other soul sucking chains can afford to pay their workers more, but they won’t because it’s less money for their pockets. They proved to their employees that even with 2 jobs, their wages are unlivable, and maybe we should all be boycotting fast food chains. But Raw Dog will still probably eat it all. Raising the minimum wage for fast food super chains would be the lesbian scissor kick cookie tickle of economic stimulation, but are there macroeconomic repercussions we mathletes can’t foresee? All I know is that I was making 13 dollars an hour at an office job and I couldn’t afford to eat food and my apartment had two rooms that had no door and cost almost a thousand dollars a month (and was considered a steal). Ellis proposed, for all those living the single life, going out to get furry clothes and learning to live in the bush, cause that shit is free, and then you can just steal you a wife- caveman style. Agreed.
If The Jason Ellis Show hosts ruled the world, or at least were the triumvirate of Presidents in charge of America, they would start off their first presidential campaign by unleashing hell with common sense in the year of hilarious terror. As presidents they plan on weeding out the undesirables among us mighty Americans through a series of clever ruses booby trapped to do away with those who respond. Instead of Mount Rushmore, they would be featured on Mount Kushmore, which would probably go down in history as the most bad ass monument in the world. Among those who must die are drivers of the new Bacon car by Ford (because bacon is apparently so over and if you dip your bacon in chocolate get over yourself!!!!), Khloe Kardashian lovers, pedophiles, crackheads, murderers, people who are morbidly obese, people who watch too much television (bc let’s face it, obviously they’re obviously pasty on top of it), people on welfare who also buy drugs, people ordering from QVC, smokers, cock fighters and dog fighters, and possibly Raw Dog if he successfully creates pneumatic tubes to replace highways. From what they listed, it seems I would survive the initial purge and live to see FreeWorld, the Annual Burning Man Bloodbath, and their State of the Union. I’m sure Ellis would also have no more problems arranging Ellis Moto-Mania.
Other tidbits worthy of note are:
If you listen to the Jason Ellis Show on demand, Sunday’s ’Best of’ shows at 3pmand 9pm eastern are actually chock full of extra hilarity goodies care of Cullen, and are 4 to 5 hours long.
Rude Jude has a block on the new Jason Ellis Channel on Saturday at 6pm eastern.
Don’t hoard gold if you’re anticipating the end of the world. Everlast will laugh at you, and you will have no future children to pass it to because you will be dead as you can’t eat or drink gold (without painful consequences, at least).
The guys at On It may be Ellis’ personal hit squad, he received a very heavy head in a box from them.
We may one day see Ellis with a Jack Nicholson receding hairline haircut with the added bonus of a wolf face.
August 29, 2013 would have been Michael Jackson’s 55th birthday.
Blood is thicker than water for the exact opposite reason that you think.
The Loch Ness looks like it has seaweed in it.
Jason Ellis for president.
Do what Tully says and visit PatriotGuard.org
Happy Thursday said no one ever! Ellis is feeling the pain of his workout and today on the mean streets of Hollywood a crazy 200 pound white broad called Ellis a N bomb and a F bomb and tried to flinch him then pissed while staring him down. Being quick on his feet he
Nice glasses, no really, I mean it. Please don’t kill me.
was able to get it all on Ellismania.com. Also on Ellismania.com is Ellis’s new signature sunglasses. Okay I don’t know if that’s where you get them for sure but it’s a pretty good bet. They started talking about teachers and shitty smart parents that bug them too much with all their brainy brains and having to do good in school because you can’t just get “dummy” jobs anymore like digging ditches or working in the oil fields of Canada. They also talked about starting your own business or getting on TV but I wasn’t really listening, I was busy digging a ditch.
And back from the music break we are graced with Hollywood blabber mouth Sam Ruben. He thinks that he can fight Tara Patrick in Ellismania 9, either because he likes hitting girls or because he enjoys punching chicks, but I’m sure it’s all in good fun. They talked something about a charity bike ride, shit about The Today Show, and a whole bunch of other Hollywood shit that I tend to drown out. The only thing worse than Hollywood News is Hollywood News on steroids. Then for a nice turn of events they talked about movies, actors, my balls, Rawdog’s diet, Ellismania fights, and this one guy that did that one thing with the other dude that was totally rad.
How I expect the Tera Patrick fight will go.
All porn productions have been shut down because an unknown performer has tested positive for HIV. Even this is the second case since 2004 you know that all the anti porn blue balled mother fuckers are gonna crow about shit that they have no business sticking their pretentious noses into. Ellis’s arm is sore because he tore something while working out so he’s taking it easy to heal. Unfortunately he doesn’t have the money to hire a masseuse to work it out. Happy endings are expensive. Rawdog plans on doing cardio 
much like the Onnit challenge but easier. A Northern Arizona family got lost at sea while trying to escape the government for religious causes. Being from Arizona it’s safe to say that they had no nautical experience and should have died at sea like God intended them to do. God doesn’t like idiots either. Tully thinks that all the crazies and bible thumpers and every other skitzo that hates the government should be given Wyoming. That way they can live in whatever kind of chaos they prefer. Besides, nobody’s using Wyoming anyway, it’s like that corner of Americas back yard that has an old tire and a few pieces of wood and a rusty bicycle from the 50’s.
An English chick is going to marry a man on death row who shot a dude at 16 and then strangled another inmate earning his spot in old sparky. Hope they don’t forget to wet the sponge. Crazy people, am I right! Some dumbasses called and then one smart dude called suggesting that they have a comic open for DDD and it’s defiantly a suggestion to consider. Then there were more dumb callers but this time it was on purpose in the quest to find the dumbest caller and there are quite a few great contestants.
How I picture the callers, but less funny. Yaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
If you want to win stuff and fight at Ellismania 9 then send in your video of yourself hitting a heavy bag for three minutes to Juliet, The Web Mastress, at fightclub@ellismania.com. You can also send in your singing videos through Instagram, just take a video of yourself singing a Death Death Die or Taintstick song and put @wolfmate and #ellismania9 on it. Heather Mills now has a silver metal for skiing in the New Zeland solemn skiing something or other, not bad for a one legged bitch. Ever wonder what it would be like to watch Mike Tyson play Mike Tyson’s Knockout? Well wonder no more! A dude on bath salts went on an ass kicking spree punching a kid and taking his skateboard, kicking a dog, beating a dude with a shovel, and pushed a man in a wheelchair down the street saying, “You’re coming with me!” I’m not gonna lie, that last one made me laugh. The Huntington Beach Bad Boy is at the end of his internship today. He is going back to school tomorrow where you can hear him on collegeradiocrap.com.ed.au. Or ChapmanRadio.com whichever steaming pile of shit you prefer to listen to. Also follow him on Instagram, @AdamMann24, where there are riveting pictures of him and Wilson in some artsy fartsy filter. They ended the show with the high speed recap guy. If this guy reads these please get in contact with myself, @Az_RedDragon or @bitPimps. Or you can just tell our mum because you’re poundin that pussy yo!
Oh yeah, OH!
Allegedly, it might give you ball cancer. Allegedly.
Today is a day. So welcome to it! On this day in history, NASA was created and Wil Wheaton was born. In more important news, we’ve got bush! And we’ve got a live show today. Apparently Ellis got a lot of shit on Instagram while he was off for 3 whole days with strep throat. I’ll pass along on the message to anyone who gave him shit, “Fuck you, I’m out. You couldn’t last 10 seconds. I’m out.” So there ya go, haters. Now you’re gonna have to go find someone else with strep throat to hate on. Dingo is close to overdosing on homemade meatballs. He’s feeling pretty shitty because he’s been eating more of those meatballs than your mom has eaten men’s balls. Jeff Goldblum greeted Tully’s baby, and he also saw Andy Richter recently. So meet the newest socialite on the scene, Michael Tully! Rawdog is going to start up a Jason Ellis garden where he gives daily updates on watering, growth, potting soils, etc. to keep everyone thoroughly entertained. Gay Bar Wars no Gay Bar Stores no Bar Rescue, there we go, Bar Rescue was on TV and it’s a show. And it’s on TV. Ellis is recommending it, even though he makes fun of the dude’s face. Me, on the other hand? Do yourself a favor stay away from it, it’ll give you ball cancer. DJ Go For It (aka DJ Blue Steel) says the whole Bar Rescue show is fake as fuck. Surprise!
Ding, ding, ding, ding!
The most expensive burger in the world was served this week, it’s grown from cultured stem cells of a single cow and cost about $385,000. Lab grown burger, mmmm. Also in burger news, some dude ordered 1,000 extra slices of cheese for his Whopper. The world’s youngest chess grandmaster was crowned, bitch be 9-years-old and Asian. Moto news time. Over the weekend, James Stewart won Spring Creek Nationals for the first time this season. Trey Canard was second overall and Ryan Dungey was third overall. In the 250’s, Eli Tomac won his fourth victory of the season and took the lead in the season standings. In UFC news, Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson won his fight against John Moraga. Rory MacDonald beat Jake Ellenberger in a total lackluster fight. Robbie Lawler kicked Bobby Voelker in de head and won that shit. In UTI news, Michael “It doesn’t tickle when I piss on my balls” Tully has himself a urinary tract infection, diagnosed by Dr. Michael Tully, Ph. D. Probably not all that surprising, Rawdog and Cumtard have both had urinary tract infections as well.
Bruce Willis is a fan of NYA!
A man from Maine was sentenced to a week in jail after he left shit smeared on the floor and up the wall of a federal courthouse’s bathroom. He blamed his medication for shitting his pants and creating the mess. The real question is, why do they want that man to shit in more of their facilities? According to Dingo, this kind of thing happens all the time with snowboarders when they take a hard slam, they blast human mud out of their ass – so watch out for that during the upcoming X-Games! Segway into talk about EllisMania 9, fights, and who will be in it. Ellis is obviously fighting Gay Bruediger again. The musical chair fight and shock collar fights are a must. Then it was time to let the fans try and come up with some fight ideas. I missed a lot of this part thanks to work, the online player cutting out on me. the mobile player not working correctly, and a myriad of other shit. Oh well. I’m not going to keep going back only for the fucking player to crash out on me on the same god damned spot every time. Which brings me to this. A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears her clothes off and exclaims, “Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?” A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman. “Iron this.” OH!