Tag Archives: Big Fucking Mega Boat

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/9/2012

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You’re all wrong, it’s butt chugged piss!

It’s Tuesday and I want this stupid bitch client to get fucked with a Rambo knife, she’s such a stupid cunt. Okay, sorry. I just had to get that out. Look, nobody is gonna tell Ellis what to do, nobody is gonna tell me what to do, and nobody is gonna tell you what to do either. Fuck all that shit. Mayhem is flipping his shit? Duh. He’s gonna go through whatever it is he’s going through and hopefully he’ll pull himself back out of it and carry on. Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more. Shit, I did not mean to bust out some Kansas, that shit just happened. Sounds like Ellis might have gotten another book deal, it’s not 100% solidified, but it sounds like it might be close to that. Yelawolf was on Jude’s show sometime in the past, he left a bottle of his pain killers there – which Jude was ready to munch until Yelawolf came back to get them. We found out who the mastermind was behind Mayhem being completely fucked up at EllisMania 8, Jude. He gave him drugs. Can you believe Jude has never done coke? Me neither, that’s kinda fucking weird considering how into synthetics he is.

At least pretend to give a fuck.

That chick that sings with Death! Death! Die!, @lisadonnelly, was on the show today to hear her latest work on the “In The Water” song. She might sing about her alleged large dick in the song, but she’s unwilling to hump Ellis or Rawdog’s leg with her very real cookie. Ellis and Lisa sang an acoustic version of “Load” while Tully strummed the guitar, and I assume Rawdog just sat there being all sad while thinking about the load he shot on his now ex-girlfriend’s face. Ellis went into story mode and started telling of the time when his dad beat his ass because he wasn’t washing his car or something, that’s when everyone started chiming in to turn his story into song form – it was beautiful. More importantly, Lisa has a new album coming out soon, she’s unsure of the name of the album at this point, but you can pre-order or “pledge” to her album. Here comes a really cool thing, you can donate some money and do a song with her, or collaborate on song, etc. Just think of the possibilities, you could have your own “If You Love Me, Start Butt Chugging” jam or maybe something like “Dick Cancer Karate Chop”, you get the idea.

That’s not desire, she just needs to take a massive shit.

Multiple sex toy owner Adrianne Curry came on the show today, newly almost divorced and already with one boyfriend left in the dust. She said she fucked herself a lot while being married because Peter Brady (aka Christopher Knight) wasn’t fucking her, but maybe it’s because she’s a nympho and his old ass couldn’t keep up. She wants to have a monogamous fuckfest with someone, she’s not into multiple partners because she’s scared of catching a disease – so that would seem to strike Ellis off the list of a potential fuck partner. She’s also anti-butt stuff, including rim jobs – her words, “I know what comes out of my ass after all my protein shakes and Jager bombs, and it ain’t pretty.” She also claimed to have “swamp vagina” during her visit on the show. That is one classy broad, good to see all that charm school is paying off for her. Overall, she is a pretty good guest, she talks like “just one of the guys” and is pretty open when discussing herself.

America’s first and whitest Blood gang member.

Hey, you ever do any butt chugging? If so, get out of my sight. Wanna see an old guy holding a press conference about butt chugging? Well here you go! Guess who’s the new owner of www.fucktully.com? Nope, not some random fan, but Tully himself! He has no idea what he’s doing with it yet, but one could only be lead to believe that there will be some fuck Tully available at rock bottom prices. Everyone’s favorite, South African, racist, animal lover, and director of Big Fucking Mega Boat, Donald Schultz, stopped by the show today after doing the Bean and Playboy shows earlier. He says that he has been getting a lot of positive feedback from the movie, and after the release of BFMB, it’s unknown how long he can keep James Cameron and Judd Apatow at bay. Speaking of keeping cock hungry whores at bay, your mom is now all over Schultz’s tube steak smothered in underwear, which is weird because he’s not only racist, but white, and yet she wants him to “show her it’s true what they say about black men”, so he plans to stab her and steal her purse. OH!

Big Fucking Mega Boat Review by Branden

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The story begins with our hero Skeet McRib, a Lebowski-esque hulk of a man, sitting and watching music videos with a bowl of cereal. His wild jew-fro, tattoos and painted fingernails suggest he has a secret. The secret is soon revealed that he is a lethal assassin who employs a group of ninjas to attempt to kick his ass every morning. To keep his skills sharp. He oozes manliness that seems to act as a pheromone for asian women.
Elsewhere, A bearded trillionaire jogs on a treadmill on his yacht. Seemingly an innocent exercise in good health at first, we then learn that this treadmill has a much more sinister purpose: to power and Malmorphanize his yacht into the evil Big Fucking Mega Boat.

Skeet McRib continues about his day, getting into his car pausing only to look at a picture of his best friend and lover, who we assume is passed because of the powerful emotion that comes over the face of this stone of a man. The audience’s heart sinks and you want to just reach out and punch him square in the dick. This powerful on screen moment is quickly interrupted by a malevolent looking bunny who jumps onto screen. You can see it in Skeet’s eyes that he has seen this bunny before. Skeet slams the accelerator and an epic car chase ensues that ends abruptly when Skeet outwits the bunny rabbit and bails out of his Porsche and lets it burst into flames as the rabbit follows and crashes his monster truck.

We cut to a priest, Radley Mancakes, standing in front of a church. There is regret in his eyes, as well as retribution. Skeet approaches and asks for Mancakes’ help. Skeet explains he is terrified of rabbits, and needs Radley’s help. Radley pulls out his big fucking mega gun and vows to help his dear friend, and we learn the dark past of the Mancake. However, Radley hears Skeet wrong and instead of hunting rabbits starts to hunt moose.
We cut to President Queefer Sutherland addressing the nation in a staunch and confident tone about the incoming threat of Big Fucking Mega Boat and assure the citizens that they have built their own Big Fucking Mega Boat and will deal with the problem…..His plan doesn’t work and the government’s boat was just not big or fucking enough to deal with the Big Fucking Mega Boat.

JägerBeard the pirate is lying washed up on a hollow sounding shore covered in vegetables. He looks like the kind of pirate that likes the taste of his own semen. Skeet approaches and Jäger Beard explains vegetables are his biggest fear.

Skeet has a flashback that reveals his lover to be Chad Kroeger. This is where the movie get out of hand in my opinion because the actor chosen to play Chad Kroeger is much too badass and manly to be Chad Kroeger. They say the devil is in the details, but Skeet and Chad share a passionate kiss and vow their love for one another right before Chad is mauled by a bunny rabbit. The movie pulled me back in here because I could totally see Kroeger getting killed by a bunny rabbit, along with his best friend Josh Koscheck.

The pieces fall together for Skeet a he realizes the BFMB uses your darkest fear against you. JägerBeard and Skeet decide to team up against the mega boat.
A fucking Moose, mate.

JägerBeard and Skeet speed through the water on high powered water machines, racing towards the BFMB. The BFMB senses the danger and fires vegetables and bunnies at the incoming threat, killing JägerBeard.

With his lame friend (who obviously didn’t care about helping the team out dead in the water) dead in the water Skeet boards the BFMB and infiltrates it’s lower levels. Skeet comes upon the sinister man from the beginning of the movie who reveals himself to be THE Pierce Johnson. Pierce and Skeet have a brief martial arts battle where the two come to a draw, knowing each other to be equals. Pierce reveals that he is not in fact the mastermind of the BFMB and the boat has a mind of its own.

Skeet emerges on the deck of the boat and seems victorious for some reason until he notices a small, but supple young breast in the waters. A big fucking tit rabbit emerges from the water and Skeet is forced to battle his biggest fear(message!). Skeet stabs the tit rabbit in the vagina and eats/tongue fucks the wound and thrusts his sword at the rabbit.
Dead Tit Rabbit. Chad Kroeger and JägerBeard are seen in the sky congratulating Skeet and letting him know it will be ok. JägerBeard sucks off Chad Kroeger with a feverish enthusiasm. Kroeger’s taken care of baby.
A fucking Moose mate. Cookie bomb. Moose.

That may have been longer than the script. Thanks for the laughs guys, hope I give you one or two.

Fuck your mother,

Branden (@CrackerStacker6)

The Big Fucking History of “Big Fucking Mega Boat” – Part 1 (History)

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For a movie that is only a reported 22min long and has been billed by J.Ellis as one of the worst things he’s ever seen, it has taken a long, long road to being made. Part 1 of the History of BFMB starts at the initial idea, the plans with Donald Schultz, developing the script , all the way up to just before they started filming.

He-man leads to 80’s toys, leads to the “Battleship” movie,  and then the 1st spark of “BFMB” – 2/1/12 – 8min

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Allison Eastwood will be the director for BFMB? – 2/3/12 – 2min

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Malin Akerman in studio and Grant’s “Kawaski” tattoo leads to the mention of Sgt. Kawaski and BFMB – 2/9/12 – 4min

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David Faustino gets pitched BFMB – 2/14/12 – 1min

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Shoebox gets pitched BFMB – 2/15/12 – 2min

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Donald Schultz in studio to discuss sets and script ideas for BFMB – 2/21/12 – 50min

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Donald Schultz returns, claims he has a submarine for the movie? Lots more movie ideas- 3/8/12 – 43min

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Rawdog will be the MGM Lion – 3/14/12 – 3min

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The idea of go karts at K1 Speed is announced and the characters/actors are set – 4/4/12 – 72min

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Show Re-cap For Thursday 9/27/2012

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Welcome to a LIVE Thursday show, brought to you by Pressed Juicery and all their juicy goodness. Apparently some construction dudes accidentally cut the string that connected the two cans between the Swinghouse and New York causing the last two days to be without live shows. Rawdog came in with a new style that he ripped off from Tully but even with the new digs, he’s still not going to race Tiger in a simple bicycle course. The Lightning Train was late today, because of school or some stupid shit. He revealed that he too has kidney stoned and he probably got them from sharing the same drinking fountain

No Bacon shortage around here!

as Rawdizzle. He’s also diabetic and eats like shit 3 out of 7 days, so don’t get too attached to him. Lin Sanity fell out of bed and landed on his 90 percentile melon, but he’s okay. This led to the discussion of kids getting hurt and stitches and breaking bones and shit. I’m a dad and I know from experience, the dents in their head pop back out over time, and if not, just keep that part of their hair a little long. Oh yeah, there’s a bacon shortage, sorry fatty.

If your a Japanese billionaire with a lesbian daughter what do you do? Answer, give a reward to any dude that can get her to marry him. She is looking for a guy with a great sense of humor, loves the outdoors, likes sushi, and has a vagina. Ellis is having a Big Fucking Mega Party at his new house and your invited. Wait, nope sorry, wrong list. He was asking for ideas for things to have at this said party that you won’t be at and most of them sounded pretty awesome. Most of them. Other people should learn to punch themselves in the dick hard enough to prevent any procreation. Ellis suggested that Josh break up with his dominatrix and go stag to the party so he can get some stank on his hang low from some grade A poon. He declined, isn’t that cute. If you are one of the lucky few that get to go to the party, remember party rule #1, don’t put your dick in the chocolate fountain, EVER! This goes for any party.

Someday robots will drive us around so that we can do more important stuff like email or work or jack off while searching midget mermaids on Google. 50 Cent doesn’t want you to masturbate, because the bible said so. But I go to the Church of Hayden and according to Father Tully the 11th commandment says “Thou shalt jack thy dick like thee owes thy money.” Slash wants Jason to go to some show that he is doing because he “adores” Jason. How cute, bromeos. Dude is it gay? FUCK NO, its Slash, you’d jack his dick just out of respect let alone go to a show by request. A bunch of people said that the show went off air and those people were probably really stoked about that because right after they started New Music Tuesday, on Thursday. To my surprise it was mostly good. Rawdiggity played the new A7X, Black Label Society, Dokken, and his pick of the week, some shit by Dead Mouse. Fuck you I know that’s not how its supposed to be spelled but the dude makes the same music I did when I was 6 on my toy keytar, so fuck you. And in case you missed it because you couldn’t listen to the entire show, the new Death!Death!Die! song, Big Fucking Mega Boat, was debut today. Thanks again to Cobra Tits for having a clip of that for us to hear.

Don’t touch your pee pee yo!

The phones started working again just in time for Final Calls, and right at the beginning Jason’s old Australian buddy, Greg, gave us a bit of radio gold with a Gregtallica voice mail. A dude called in seeking advise because his marraige is shitty and his “crazy ass” wife wants to start going to church (I’m not touching that), Burbank Dave called in again with a solution to the phone problems (Maybe he could just let them use his phone), and a dude called in about some liquor that should sponsor DDD, he got through 5 times and each time he picked up where he last left off (my hats off to you sir). Don’t forget that tonight is Donald Schults and Allison Eastwood’s premiere of their new show where they help animals or something. Speaking of helping animals did you know that yer mum used to volunteer down at your local animal shelter? No, that’s probably because she got caught in the middle of a canine orgy, dog food and hair flying everywhere, and that was just from her cunt, OH!