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Show Re-cap For Friday 7/13/2012

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Danny O’Donnell vs Alicia Leii

Welp. It’s Friday the 13th, and a lot of you lucky mofo’s are already in Vegas for EllisMania 8. Nobody even invited me. So here I sit, writing a re-cap for your asses, clicking furiously on tweets tagged with #EM8, and getting my box of tissues ready for the bikini contest. But guess what? I lied to you guys again today. But it was a good lie, I swear it! I started shouting out @emilyinSD, @tank_yanker, & @mike_in_canada, claiming it was all of their birthdays. I saw several re-tweets and happy birthday wishes flying. It was glorious! Even though it may not have been their birthdays, just think of how good you made them feel by wishing them one! And guess what, you made my day that much more awesome too by perpetuating my lie! I’ve told you before, I’m a pretty fucked up individual. So see, it wasn’t a bad lie. We got to hear the usual suspects being introduced at the start of the show from Vegas. @DanOD5 turned up as JagerBeard, already drunk and high and sitting on Uncle Mayhem’s lap and semi-chubbed up. And that’s when the real JagerBeard came on the scene to take a large shot of Jager and it sounded like he almost hurled.

Dead Acid Cunt vs Some Hot Readhead in the “Yo Momma Round”

Weigh-ins sounded pretty hysterical with Alicia pushing Dan around and Rawdog telling Ruby that he’s ready to kick her 111 pound ass. Gay Bruediger weighed in at 190 pounds while Ellis weighed in at 198 – let’s just keep in mind that Mayhem was working the scales. Gay started acting a fool almost immediately and ended up threatening to beat up Tully and Rawdog if they played the Jingleberries song about him for his walkout music. There was a quick “Doing stuff with Rawdog” segment, which is always a pleasure to hear and very informative, especially the “how to put on a condom correctly” and “how to insert a tampon correctly” pieces.

Bikini contest winner showing one of her techniques

Rawdog’s go to foreplay move is “necking” and aggressively playing with “titties”, I’m ready for love just typing that shit. The bikini contest was next up on the list of show segments, there were 10 fine ladies who entered the contest and was almost widdled down to 9 after one of the contestants flashed her titties at the crowd. After security talked to her and saw her tits up close, she was allowed to stay and the competition continued. The entire contest was broadcast for free, in streaming HD on Ellismania.com. Shout out to Dead Acid Cunt (@freedrose) for being the runner up and Dead Acid Balls (@hendro9364) for banging that shit!

Your mom’s motto

The remainder of the time was spent with Ellis walking through the crowd taking final calls from fans in the crowd. There were quite a few people who apparently purchased their Wolfknives membership at the show, and they all got their gang names. Mayhem will be debuting his newest career skills tonight as a rapper, and I’m guessing Katie is getting banged in the butt later in the night. And that pretty much wraps up this re-cap, I hope everyone in Vegas for EllisMania 8 is having a great time and staying frosty! I have one last question for you. You know how sometimes when you see really, really, morbidly obese people and you aren’t sure if they’re a man or a woman? Wait, of course you do – you’ve seen your mom lots. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 7/10/2012

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Aggressive anal probably feels better than shitting out a kid.

Welcome to Tuesday’s re-cap of The Jason Ellis Show. The show stars Jason Ellis, probably most notably known as a professional daycare provider, Michael Tully, and Joshua Richmond. Only one thing in that last sentence isn’t true, can you guess which part? Sounds like Katie told Ellis that he’s a little weird when it comes to aggressive assplay, which sounds like a legit reason to be a little weird about it. The words “aggressive” and “assplay” right next to each other tend to invoke fearful thoughts. There was talk about how much of “sell out” someone might be, even if they’re rich. I don’t give two shits how rich I am, if the money is that good – I’d be out there putting my face on yogurt that makes your poops more regular if that brings me massive checks. I’m looking at you (and your tits), Jamie Lee Curtis.

I came here to drink beer and post a re-cap, and I’m almost done with the re-cap.

Some 16 year-old caller says his 17 year-old buddy went to the hospital and blew a .38, which really isn’t that great at that age – he should definitely be blowing at least aggressive 7’s. I should try to squeeze in a joke about 38 Special here, but I’m just not into it so you’ll have to make something up on your own. Hey man, weed should be legal, know what I’m sayin’? Ya feel me? Get it now? Do ya? Lots of callers had lots of opinions about alcohol and smoking weed and all types of ill shit. It was neat. And by neat, I of course mean snorefest. I’m pretty sure we all have “me and/or a friend drank too much” and “legalize weed, man” stories, they’re all pretty much the same. In some lying ass article, men don’t always need to have sex, sometimes they just want to cuddle – coincidentally, they call those men, women.

31 flavors under each roll of fat

In the saddest news possible, the band Chumbawamba is breaking up after 30 years. I know, I know. I’m already working on a fan site dedicated to Chumbawamba, where we can all gather and share our thoughts and talk about all the good times we’ve had while Tubthumping. Several callers claimed to have “funny stories”, and as you can guess, none of them were funny – the best part is that Shoebox lost $10-$15 dollars on betting whether or not the caller’s stories would be funny or not. They weren’t. New Jew Music Tuesday was tolerable today, mostly because Yelawolf (@Yelawolf) dropped some new shit today, even though nobody could figure out the lyrics, it still sounded good, and then the new “Slingin’ Cream” song was played today as well. Speaking of slingin’ cream, your mom and her “friend from work” have been tag teaming the delivery guy from Baskin Robbins for free treats since back in the day, when they were just 185 pounds. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 7/9/2012

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Guess who… it’s me, bitPimps! I’m back and ready to lick you where you shit, you motherfuckers! Did you all miss me? You better have. EllisMania 8 is this coming weekend, some of you will be there in Vegas, some of you will be watching on PPV on Ellismania8.com, and some of you will be living vicariously through others. The god-damned A6K is being worked on again, one can only hope that means that it is being turned into a port-a-potty. Ellis has been looking at places to rent and is pretty much letting his 7 year-old daughter pick out the place, so most likely it’s going to have some kick ass shit that kicks all kinds of asses. Rawdog is still putting his penis inside of a girl’s vagina on a pretty regular basis, so shout out to that stud muffin. Ellis still has a hole in his dick from blue balling a whore about a month ago, before getting back with Katie. And dry hand jobs are fucking 6th grade bullshit, and that’s all there is to it.

If you watched the UFC this weekend, you saw Chael lose to Silva. I’d feel like a fucking moron if I talked as much shit as Chael and then lost. Equally, I’d feel the same way if Steven Seagal was part of my fucking entourage and shit. Speaking of Steven Seagal, he looked like Steven Van Zandt, he looked fucking ridiculous. This was Tito’s last fight before retiring, and looks like he made the right choice because he lost his fight against Forrest. In other fight news, a rapper beat up another rapper, amazing right? The Game apparently threw fists at 40 Glocc, and there were a lot of n-bombs thrown as well – but nobody got shot son, so according to Ice Cube, it was a good day. Canada is banning foreign strippers in favor of home grown, beady eyed, whiter than rice on a paper plate in a snow storm, women. I predict the one strip club in Canada will be going back to trading furs and pelts within the next arriving Nor’easter. Oh, and in preparation for his fight with Ruby Renegade, Rawdog will not smoke any pot until after the fight, he’ll just eat pot. Way to put the hammer down and take thing seriously, my man!

Apparently some softballers are into TJES, a whole gaggle of them are listening at any given time so just be aware of that. Some dumb bitch with big tits from Australia turned herself into authorities after trying to commit robbery. I’m not sure why I even repeated that, it’s not news or noteworthy, I mean besides her having big tits. I guess what it boils down to here is that if you have nice tits, I’ma talk about ya. Why do I get the feeling that watching the Playboy channel is like watching Cinemax? Neither have money shots, so basically it’s like going to a strip club and getting a boner and leaving with blue balls, only a lot worse. Would you blow your best friend if they really, really, wanted it and begged you for it, and they were in a really tough spot? I didn’t think so, by the way, I’m not sure our friendship is working out anymore. Just kidding. We’ll always be more than friends, we’re digital lovers. One thing that is no joke, it’s the meat curtains your mom has for pussy lips. They starred in the movie Rocky, in the meat locker scene, getting punched by Rocky. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 6/29/2012

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Ronnie Faisst

Happy WGAFF mofo’s! The guys, along with @UnderwearWolf and @TheDingoInSnow, are at the X Games so that’s where they did the show from today. Apparently while the show was on, it was a pretty big sausage fest – one would assume because it’s too early for whores to be up, like vampires, they’re active at night. Also, since Ellis comes from the X Games world and is friends with so many people in that world, this is going to be jam packed with name drops. The first guests on the show were Ronnie Faisst (@ronniefaisst) and Diogo Simoes (@diogosimoes1) as they were watching some step-up moto practice. As you could imagine, being at the X Games, it’s hard to take callers and read twitter so interaction was pretty limited. It doesn’t make for the greatest of radio shows, but hearing Faisst say that he doesn’t touch his weiner because Jesus doesn’t approve was pretty fuckin’ hilarious.

Carey Hart

Next on the show was Carey Hart (@hartluck) talking about how he hurt his back and his hand recently and this will be his last X Games, but he will continue other shit like the Dew Tour and racing trucks. He says he just can’t keep up, he’s getting older and getting hurt more so it’s time, but he will continue to ride on his own, just not compete. He also jacks off at times even though he’s still getting play from his wife, Pink (@Pink). Next up was Jamie Bestwick (@jamiebestwick), all of you should be very familiar with him because Ellis loved doing unfavorable impressions of him for almost a year straight. I think one of the most entertaining parts of his interview was when he called it a “Teeyoter” instead of “Toyota” and “Tuckson” Arizona instead of “Tucson”, gotta love those Brits. Poor Rawdog was getting teased, in a friendly way, from all the guys about his eating habits and how deep his belly button is, due to chicken nugget breakfasts and hamburger dinners.

Brian Deegan

Let’s see, who’s next… Brian Deegan (@mmgeneral) and him talking about how his spleen or kidney or both split like a hotdog and he’s always wondered if they just didn’t need a spare and took his. We finally got to hear Rawdog call out what he was watching, a la JagerBeard, but completely sober and not in character – which is very similar. Ellis asked Bry Like A Deegan what he thought about Ken Block while they were talking rally. Not one to beat around the bush much, Deegles says Ken is a good driver, a great marketer, but not so much of a racer. Mitchie Brusco (@Mitchiebrusco84) was next up on the show, he’s that 15 year-old skater kid that called a 900 number or some shit. They kind of grilled him too, in a friendly way as well, and he seemed to take everything in stride and with a really good attitude, so that’s pretty cool of little dude. It’s speculated he could take Rawdog in a fight too. Still, as cool and accomplished as he is at such a young age, it’s weird to hear a 15 year-old on the show, but I get it.

Hooters chicks

Hooter’s girls stopped by to bring some wings for the guys, low and behold, Ellis recognized both of them from the pageant he had just previously judged. In case you missed the pageant, one of those chicks (the hot one maybe? not that one, the other one) said it re-airs this Sunday, but she’s a woman so who knows if that’s true or not. I mean, we all know women don’t know shit from apple butter. Cullen (@Cullensaidthis) was nice enough to snap and share a photo of @imVictoriaBrown and some other chick named Afton Storton or something. Robbie Maddison (@robbiemaddison) came on the show and said he had just did a stunt in an upcoming James Bond film, but couldn’t talk about it. When asked what’s the furthest he’s jumped, his answer was “I don’t know”. So there ya go kiddies, watch out for those concussions! And like Bestwick, we get to make fun of his foreigner speech habits, as he called a “Mercedes” a “Merseedies”.

And finally, Manny Santiago (@Mannyslaysall) and Twitch (@twitchthis) were the last ones to stop by the show. And of course Twitch and Ellis had to express their undying love for one another as only two crazy fuckers can. By pulling down their pants and pressing each half of their gay love tattoo on their legs together to form the love bond and insulting one another as much as possible. Holy shit rope! Was that not a star packed re-cap or what? You know what’s funny about all those names listed above? It doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the full list of famous, not famous, homeless, and down right disgusting people your mom has filled her putrid fuckhole with. OH!

Your mom thanking Spiderman when she was way younger

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 6/26/2012

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I speak the truth! Just kidding

Holy shit! Did you guys hear the news that rocked the world today? Rawdog is now engaged to that chick he’s been dating and they plan on moving to Rhode Island because that’s where her family is from, so no more Rawdog on the show and Rude Jude will be taking his place! Fucking huge bummer, but could be kinda cool having Jude on, right? Well that would be some shocking Asia news if I wasn’t totally lying my ass off right now. Really though, he hates hot chicks just as much as he hates MMA fighters, but loves a chick that can twirl a baton. As Tully has speculated before, Rawdog really does enjoy when he gets punched in the nuts with the Hulk hands. This was confirmed today when Rawdog punched himself right in the dick, harder than Tully has ever punched him. In other, actually truthful news, Ellismania8.com is now online and ready to siphon the money out of your pockets. You know how Ellis ran into Big Black while he was in Miami doing the Hooters judging shit? Yea, well now Big Black wants to help judge the bikini competition at Ellismania 8! That’s motha fuckin’ dope, y’all! Do work, son!

MMA makes you gay

Ellis got his A6K back after West Coast Customs had finished fixing it up, the inside looks brand new, has a navigation system for dumb dumbs in it, all the electronics work in it without breaking all the other shit, and now he’s in love with West Coast Customs. Rightfully so I assume. They offered to fix up the outside of the truck as well but he declined, probably a wise choice or it would’ve come back with massive wings and glitter on it or some shit. All kinds of trash talk flying between Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen, sounds like Anderson is finally losing his shit and says he’s basically going to ruin Chael’s face for all his trash talking. We all know a lot of fighters do this to help sell tickets, but Anderson has never really gotten into the whole trash talking game so it is rather odd to hear him go off like that. Sad vegetables aren’t as good as happy vegetables, which makes total sense when you think about how they were raised. I mean, if the vegetables’ parents were abusive or addicts, one would expect life to be much more difficult for the young vegetable.

Facts about your mom

Good news for @Dutch_RDS, he’s getting his shot to fight at Ellismania 8 in the blindfold shock collar fight – so congratulations to him! Ellismania 8 is getting bigger and bigger by the fucking day with guests such as Kit Cope, Danny Martinez, Kenji Gallo, Gabe Ruediger, Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Big Black, Mayhem, and more! You shitheads that get to go to Ellismania 8 are lucky as fuck. I hope you all enjoy yourselves and you better take a metric shit ton of photos and videos so the rest of us can live vicariously through you! 50 Cent got in an accident when a Mac truck rear-ended his SUV, sources say the Mac truck is now in hiding after receiving death threats. Today was new music Tuesday, and fuck all that noise, we ain’t talking about it. That Laura chick that gave Ellis his current voice altimication machine was on the show today to give him another fuckin’ TC-1000 Boner Jam Fucker Upper v2.74 altimication machine that has a touch screen and shit. I want one so bad but I ain’t got $800 to be pissing away just so I can call my wife with a creepy voice.

I got the magic stick

More Wolfknives members called in to get their names today, and according to my accounting records there is currently $2.4 million dollars worth of memberships. Also, I am not an accountant and I keep no records – for legal purposes. Some dude who has at least two ex-wives and is an investigator, watched his first ex-wife have sex with some dude. I’m guessing the whole trust issue thing came into play while he was practicing his Magnum PI skills on her. Speaking of practicing, your mom has been going to the gym a lot lately. After all the dudes are done working out and smooching themselves in the mirrors, they all got in a circle with your mom in the middle and took turns shitting in her mouth. You thought there was gonna be a circle jerk story there, didn’t you? Don’t lie! But seriously, she has been going to the gym and putting the 25 pound kettle bells in her snatch. You have to tell her to stop, people are complaining. OH!