Monthly Archives: December 2012

Show Re-cap For Friday 12/7/2012

Posted on by
Reply

Hey mother fuckers it’s time to jump over shit cuz it’s Friday! You know what the Swinghouse needs, a skate ramp sponsored by Slurpee, so Ellis can do his sick ass skateboard moves during the breaks or when ever he damn well feels like. Will’s voice is shot, probably karma getting back at him for sabotaging the buttons. Little Willy Cupcake defended himself in a hilarious mickey mouse during puberty fashion. The guys had a little advice for Rawdog to ease his performance issues during the Wreckoning. Mainly get

The Dolce Diet, apples and nuts!

drunk but not too drunk, like my prom date and she did fine. Ellis’s new maid was finding tiger turds and poopies everywhere, I’m not sure why but in these situations I find it best to not ask any questions. Ellis is also eating eating apple and nuts in accordance with the Dolce Diet. They said something about The Grateful Dead and Jason’s new intern, Lord Sear, the white Canadian one, is kicking ass, just so you know. The UFC goes up to 8% gay with fashion style and flair, and UFC guys fight, cry, something, something, broken bones, mad respect. Some South African chick called in who used to bar fight and wants to fight now but won’t shut the fuck up and probably knows Donald Schultz. Dana White is willing to have an all girl ultimate fighter season. There would probably be less crying and bitchy drama than this season.

Hollywood News, Lindsay Lohan is on bus with Wanted, I don’t know who the fuck they are wither but they probably have coke. The Notorious B.I.G.’s autopsy was released, surprise surprise, he died of gun shot wounds. War should be hand 2 hand? Brazil would kick everyone’s ass and then we would all have massive parades with trannies and girls with great asses. Nicole Kidman’s beaver was mentioned, so here it is. She peed on Zack Effron in a recent movie and that sparked the conversation of who would you like to be peed on? Rose Mgowan, Taylor Swift, Gwen Stephanie, Matt Damon? There was a lot of pee talk which is why I’m now in the bathroom writing this. That’s better. Kidman spoke to Dijour about Tom Cruze and their break up and how it made her sad and shit. Speaking of shit (segway), wanna be bros with Johnny Depp? Just sew your mouth to his ass, then he will be your bro for life! Devito and Perelman working on their marriage and love guru, Taylor Swift doesn’t know how to make relationships work.  Breaking News, Corona Dave spotted the Ellis impostor pumping gas while Elvis washed the windshield.

Here is the entire recap of Tully’s “Women, am I right?” segment. Some chick has Bigfoot DNA, dumbass. A physical therapist becomes double jointed arm wrestling. A 19 year old Nebraska teen stole a car, robbed a bank,  and then put it all on youtube. A  couples 3-some ends in gunshots after the dudes wife falls asleep and wakes to see her hubby tagging the other chick. A 60 year old Florida woman got lubed with olive oil but then asked for Pam and her boyfriend admitted to fucking Pam, she has a boat. A 27 year old Tennessee woman called rape because of bad sex. A Florida girl threatened her date with a kitchen knife and smashed his windows because shes a crazy bitch. Another Florida woman robbed man while having sex while driving, Reddragons to you sir. An Illinois woman hit tree because she was drunk and wanted to see the twilight movie. A woman cut up her boyfriend for taking the last colt 45, gangster. A mom and daughter duo are Fmaking porn together, keep it in the family. A woman burned down her house in fear of ghosts, and possible attic raccoons.  A woman claims to be allergic to wifi. A husband, his wife, and her sister went out and upon returning the girls got into a fight and the sister bit off the wife’s nose. And hoarder has 100 frozen cats, some a little more liquidy than others.

Now thats’ some cold pussy!

Prime minister huge tits declared .end of world so there will be a shortage of Vegimite in the next couple weeks. Don’t forget about Ellis’s auction to hang out with the guys and then go to a strip club and get knee jacked by a law student. Some gay kid in jersey wants an easy bake oven but they only make them in pink and purple. Waaaaaa. And finally, Final calls (conveniently named). Final calls were surprisingly good. They talked about tits, tittys, boobs, sweater meat, fun bags, balloon smugglers, bazoongas, bongos, flappers, love melons, nippleoons, zingers, rib cushions, pompoms, and moo moos. Ellis also made a bet with Josh on the UFC fights this weekend. If Josh gets all 4 cards correct and wins the coin toss (2 out of 3), Ellis will join josh at The Wreckoning slobbing know on some equestrian erection. Then there was talk about moto, lesbians  the friend zone, butt chugging addictions and the eerie silence of confusion, just like yer mums gynecologist makes as he stares into the abyss of her enormous hole of doom, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 12/6/2012

Posted on by
Reply

Oy Mate, It’s me Jason Ellis! I shit in your mom’s fishtank, Red Dragons ya cunt.

A set of double D tits is better to have for a year than a set of dog’s balls on your face, fact!  Oh, and its Thursday, also fact!  From here on out its total bullshit, so lets get to it.  Ellismate is still doing his home jail house workout, but is stuck in between ripped and Rawdog.  Meanwhile, at the Ellis estates, #burgerellis got his first x-ray today, Red Dragons to you my puppy friend.  Hey, if your ever in Vegas at Drais Afterhours, be sure to look for Jason Ellis, catching VIP treatment and taking photos n shit.  Turns out Kit Cope has a friend who was in Vegas this weekend, and saw Ellis there, high on ecstasy with some Asian chic.  Only Ellis wasn’t in Vegas, so what the fuck – We have an imposture!  Of course Ellis hit Kit up on the air to try and get to the bottom of it, and Kit quoted a line from the fake Ellis “I am Jason Ellis and I make lots of money talking on the radio”.  Cumtard tried to get in touch with Drais, but everyone’s still sleeping so it remains a mystery.  Dogs are dumb, babies are dumber, and baby dogs are dumberer than all.  Not this dog yo, he be riding it til the wheels fall off.  So naturally that video led to Tully, drunk off his ass of course, verse a dog in a race to the death.  Sounds cool, but not sure about the legality’s of that.  If we were in Thailand though, game fucking on! Sounds like Ellis wants to take the show there for a few weeks, and maybe get a group salad tossing with Josh to bond as brothers.  Tully did point out the 3-7 AM time frame, but again, game fucking on!  Its not likely to happen though, as they can’t even get out to Ellis, Kansas let alone friggin Thailand.  One Day!

 

Rawdog just misses his McGriddles…

Mike Dolce joined the show to talk diet and health n shit, and if you listen to the show for health and to get good advice about it, you want to go back and check this out.  Mike’s a trainer for a shit ton of UFC fighters like Vitor Belfort, Johnny Hendricks, Quinton Rampage Jackson and many others.  He helps them cut weight, but not by starvation, rather a good diet and discipline, fucking sucks I know.  Dude knows his shit, which is as basic as eating earth grown stuff every 2 to 4 hours while awake, and til your satisfied not full.  Sure you gotta change up your lifestyle, but you don’t have to be nuts about it.  Mike on the other hand carries a book bag with a day of food and supplies n shit, such as almond butter, oat bran, and hemp hearts (What the fuck is a hemp heart?).  He’s written a few books on it, which Ellis and Rawdog each plan to try out.  For Josh, he will be checking out Living Lean, while Ellis is more of a 3 Weeks to Shredded guy.  Of course Rawdog is the Darth Vader of nutrition so we shall see how he does.  Other cool shit we learned, just cause its 100% natural don’t mean shit, bleach can be 100% natural and ain’t good for you.  Alcohol is a poison anyway you slice it, but weed is mellow as long as ingested not inhaled, since its better than any prescription drug you can get.  Also you need 9 hours of sleep a night, and avoid Crossfit all together as its gayer than you are my homo friend.

 

                 Oh yeah, DING!

 

Dana White, the man the myth the legend, called the show to shoot some UFC breeze with the wing.   I wonder if Dana owns a $450 Starbuck’s metal card?  Not sure, but I can guarantee you he own’s quite a few assistants, all of which are hotter than Ellis’s new assistant Ryan.  Ryan’s a happy dude who loves the Dead Kennedy’s and is from Vancouver.  Back to Dana White, so he’s “friggin’ awesome” and he loves Ellis, thinks the wing is the coolest.  So anyways, which fight is Ellis most pumped to see asked Dana, how about the Cain Velasquez/Junior dos Santos fight which ain’t even this weekend.  FUCK, stupid brain say dumb things go DUH!  Rawdog fed him a few of the fights on this weekends free UFC on FOX5, and Ellis is siked to see both the Benson Henderson/Nate Diaz and the BJ Penn/Rory MacDonald fights, calling Benson Henderson a ‘freak horse human’ so check it out.  Ellis also was a bit pissed at the final on this season’s Ultimate Fighter, but its Team Carwin no matter what happened for him.  Ellis added he was going to go check the videos from the weigh-ins, which Dana reminded him haven’t even happened yet.  Moral of the story kids, if you like to hear Dana White, go back and check this out as you may never hear him again on TJES after today!  In other meaningless news, Snakes on a Plane ain’t just a shitty movie anymore.  This other dude blamed a cat for the murder of a lawyer.  Last but not least, Rory MacDonald dresses like a French Canadian fag, and Tully’s wife is madly in love with Manny Pacquiao.

 

Well no fucking wonder….

Not much today in the way of Hollywood News, just the grammy’s.  Rawdog played a bunch of gay award-winning gay music to show Ellis what was hot this past year.  Maybe Death! Death! Die! can be in next year’s Grammy nominations, I mean shoebox knows a guy.  Just record a clean version of Big Funky Mega Boat and its on like Donkey Kong.  If I may be serious for a second, #fucktully for reminding us about Ghost Dad, i mean really dude.  But not for beating Linsanity with pillows and thundersticks, thats just fucking cool and necessary. Cats kill babies, its all true, and all over the internet.  They literally will “take the breath” of your infant, so watch out.  Stars too will literally take the Ellis show, and just fuck it up to beyond recognition, or so thinks Ellis. He’s fucking done with those assholes, they don’t care and can’t get it right.  His original intention for even being on that shit station was to fucking put it to Covino n Rich.  But those dudes turned out to be cool and care about radio n shit, and with all the fuck ups over the years, its just time to move on.  Will kill joyed any Faction replay ideas since too many people like punk and need a channel for it.  Whatever happens, we will always have our little noon to four on the west coast to look forward too, and Sirius on demand if we miss it, except in Canada I hear.  And your mom always has her Skechers and Crossfit training to look forward too as well, oh and like 13lbs. of shit and load we’ve been saving up for her, OH!

The son of a superfan informs J.Ellis that he died – 12/6/12

Posted on by
Reply

A very strange call today ended with a bomb. The caller was the son of a superfan who had recently died in a motor vehicle accident…

Download (link to MP3)

During the call the son mentioned the father had called in for “Get The Cock Off Your Chest”. Here is that call – 4/24/12

Download (link to MP3)

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 12/5/2012

Posted on by
Reply

Aw Shit – The Remix!

Dude, its totally Wednesday, and I totally party….do you like to party? Ellis can party his ass off, since he ain’t having heart attacks while pumping iron at the wing’s gym like he thought he was yesterday.  Good shit to know, that and he wears leggings.  Sounds like Ellismate’s knee is working again, just in time to get shredded and fuck some models.  Speaking of fat bitches, is there such a thing as a 400 lb. lady with a skinny child?  Who cares, what’s really important is if you are cool being seen with said fat bitch, if the sex is good of course.  Tully is/was, and of course his boys hated on him, but how’d they’re book rank on the New York Times Best Seller List?  Apparently the Metal Militia tent at the X games is the spot to snag you a keeper just FYI!  Meanwhile, Rawdog has dumb taste buds, hates spinach, and is Down With The Sickness.  In fact, did you know Disturbed wrote that tune about the illustrious Illusionist?  Straight into UFC on FOX this weekend, and Ellis’s ass is taking on your mom so check it out.  Conveniently, Manny Pacquiao is fighting this weekend too with some free preliminary fights on some shit channel, but not against Floyd Mayweather as he is still ducking!  Both of those cock suckers top the Forbes list of highest paid athletes.  Then Rawdog told us a tale, of him opening his front door to numerous chics, one of which was that hot chic he thought he had a date lined up with, and taking shots with these chics in his kitchen.  The story lead to the club, doesn’t it always, with Rawdog’s roommate joining him and the 4 ladies on a 45 minute walk, only to stand in a two block long line.  The story ends with the hot chic that Rawdog is fond of, walking off with his roommate, and Josh being left uncomfortably with the 3 remaining chics.  He left and went home, the end!

 

      Happy Holidays from the assholes at NoYouAre!

 

In Hollywood News, you only have 8 days left to bid on a day with The Jason Ellis Show and a trip to the strip club of your choice.  If your not a dick, Ellis n Tully may even splooge splurge on a lap dance for ya!  John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John released their sex tape……how else was I gonna get you to click that fucking link, its just a shitty Xmas video she forced him to do at gun point.  One of those little punks from Home Improvement got a DUI.  The Olsen twins are at it again, with a new $55K backpack thats got PETA and local drug dealers pissed.  Meanwhile, in other Hollywood News, in Portugal, Anderson Cooper’s eyes are as pussy as he is.  Oh and if your in Kentucky, vote for Ashley Judd to be your Senator.  Onto one of today’s guest, Mia Isabella 2011 XBIZ/URBANX TS Performer of The Year, in the studio to help the kids.  Honestly, she sucks on the radio like most of us would, but she had a good cause and it led to a pretty funny game.  First, she’s repping little kids who need shoes, at some event tonight at Mickys, but I didn’t get much more than that.  Of course Ellis has more swing than she does, and got Globe to hook it up with a few pairs to help the kiddies.  And onto the game, with Cumtard of course, that involved him drinking champagne out of each person’s shoe, either off their foot or brought from home.  5 shoes total, one each from Ellis, Tully, Rawdog, Mia and Jizz Cult all filled with some shitty $3 bottle of New Year’s finest.  Cumtard was able to guess two shoes correctly, those of Mia and Ellismate.  Of course he wasn’t able to nail the “Grainy” tasting shoe of Jizz Cult, or “Fucking gross” shoe of Rawdog, and certainly not the Athlete’s Foot infested shoe of one Tully McTullyvich. Of course everyone is a winner, Mia’s cause got some shoes donated, Ellis got radio gold, Tully got the cock of his foot, Rawdog didn’t really win shit and Cumtard won the rest of the bottle of bubbly.  Here’s to $425 gold pills that make your shit glitter, and to Kenny, whoever the fuck that is.

 

 

           Ya Heard Me

So we found out that Rolling Stone magazine is comprised of a bunch of white dudes who think Sir Mix-A-Lot still has legitimate street cred. They posted a sneak peek of 5 of their Top 50 hip-hop songs of all time.  I personally am a huge fan of rap and this list ain’t awful, but is clearly based on historical importance as opposed to overall song quality, but what the fuck do I know…..that this bitch here is nasty – been fucking her dog for 13 years now.  As if fucking little kids isn’t enough, Penn State is at it again, only fucking Mexicans over now with racism.  Rawdog was at it again, saying he hates China cause they got small areolas, and he’s got a point.  Meanwhile, this dude got forced to do home repairs at gunpoint in San Jose, the New Jersey of San Francisco.  The New York Post is catching shit for posting a photo of a dude about to get creamed by a subway train on the cover.  Breaking news:  Today, December 5th, 2012 on the Jason Ellis Show, Rawdog was correct!  Mark it down, it don’t happen that often folks.

 

 

 

Come on, who’s gonna notice…

Bert McCracken was today’s other guest, dropping in fashionably late.  This dude is just about the definition of a rock star, and a listener to the Ellis show, or a huge smoke blower.  He’s fresh out of rehab and sober now, and also not allowed in Canada for the next 10 years, Red Dragons!  The Used will be playing in the 2013 Take Action Tour so get it up ya.  For today though, its ‘Get The Cock Of Your Chest’ with Blasko Bert McCracken.  If your a fan, go check the intro to this shit, Smokin’ Load Frazier for days crack.  Bert was kind enough to start us off, with a tale of a chic giving him a BJ, then demanding he pay her $80 after completion.  Sounds like a Sunday afternoon for Ellis, but 6 of one, half dozen of the other.  Bert did Dr. Drew some dude who jerks it in front of unknowing strangers on the internet.  Some literal sex offender called in about old ladies, fuck that guy.  Another dude was dropping loads into a MILF’s shampoo bottle.  A teacher pooped in some kids book bag, ya know the usual shit.  We did have a chef war between Bert and Tully, neither backing down to defeat.  Some other dude called in saying he used to eat a ton of oatmeal, and spray it all out his ass into big cup, and then piss and cum in said cup, and your mom would drink it, shit that out and drink that…..wait shit I never got through to the show, OH!