Monthly Archives: September 2012

Show Re-cap For Friday 9/21/2012

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It’s Friday and I’m shooting rainbow loads.

It’s Friday, and while nobody is supposed to be giving a fuck, Ellis gave a little bit of a fuck for a very short time because he said these little wedges that you put in women’s shoes is one of the greatest inventions. He’s thinking about making secret ones for men so they can secretly be tall. Rawdog admitted that when he was younger, he saw them in catalog once and wanted those things so he could be taller. Ellis bought Katie a new pair of kicks and posted the picture, which of course rallied up some people who thought the shoes were gay. Tully thought maybe Ellis should kick Will (Jizz Cult) in the shins, but it was settled that Ellis would kick him in the calf – and he did. There was some talk about Russia and iPhone 5’s, but I ain’t talking about no fucking iPhone anything, so fuck that shit right in the shit chute. Apparently Steve Harvey is blowing up right now, I don’t know how, or why, and I really don’t care about him or his big teeth.

 

Let’s see Skrillex take on this dynamic duo!

George St. Pierre was on Criss Angel’s Mindfreak show, warning: by watching this video of two douches, you may cause a rip in the space time continuum. Linsanity is in the 90th percentile for the size of his head, which makes him an ideal candidate for headbutt champion of California. Eva Longoria is opening “SHe”, a steakhouse geared towards women, complete with small plates, a catwalk, and I assume bowls full of tampons instead of after dinner mints. And that has to be the dumbest sentence I’ve ever typed. Male genitalia is smaller than it was 50 years ago, they say stress, smoking, alcohol intake, and fat-assery are to blame – but I blame Detroit. Where have the muscle cars of old gone? Everyone’s driving a fucking minivan, and as well all know, it makes your dick shrink to drive a minivan. LMFAO is breaking up, does that make you want to SHIT or what? Okay, yea, I’m pretty much or what too. But I do feel bad for my daughter and Rawdog, what are they going to party rock to now? Kato Kaelin now says he thinks OJ was guilty, though he has no proof, I’m guessing OJ must have kicked his ass to the curb or something for him to come and say reveal this shocking opinion.

There was a game today where the intern (“Lightening Train”) showed pictures of Will, Rawdog, Tully, and Ellis to some people and they had to try and guess what crime they might commit. It was actually kinda funny, so if you missed it, I feel bad for you son – I got 99 problems but a radio bit ain’t 1. Wow. I’m a total cracker. Hey, you wanna see a pair of boxers that some freak jizzed in for 7 years? I don’t know why, I don’t know how, all I know is that’s one hell of an accomplishment and dedication to the cum storage game. Cum storage – every time I say it, it makes me think of the last time I saw your mother. I went to my local bar and sat down for a drink. “Hey, bitPimps, haven’t seen you in a while. How have you been?” asked the bartender. “Not bad, today has been fantastic. I was walking down by the railroad tracks and there was this naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her took her back to my place and had incredible sex for hours. It was amazing.” I said. “Good for you, man, was she pretty?” asked the bartender. “I don’t know, I never found her head.” OH!

Your mom always knew how to twerk it on the hood of a hunk of shit.

Mike Tully, Exposed!

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@bitPimps and @AZ_RedDragon get a chance to have a Q & A session with Michael Tully, who was smart enough to get into Oxford, yet New Jersey enough to work with fart jokes.

In an interview somewhere, it was written that you three don’t really have much in common and therefore don’t hang out much. Is that still or was it ever true? Have you all gotten closer and hang out more?
Five hours a day is plenty most days, plus emails, plus we do Death! Death! Die! together, make movies together, do website stuff together, etc. When we’re not working, we generally go our separate ways. That having been said, the experience and history of making the show together is a pretty strong bond.

Does your wife enjoy or share your sense of humor on the show? Does she ever listen to the show? And will we ever hear your wife as a quick guest on the show?
God bless her, she’s never listened for a second. I tell her the stuff that happens on air that I think she’ll find funny, but for the most part she’s far too cool to care about my job.

You have known Cullen for quite a while. Did you meet through work or were you friends before either of you started working in radio? Give the scoop the relationship between you two?
Bryan found an ad I placed in a music newspaper called the East Cost Rocker. It said (I kid you not) “14 year-old guitarist tired of the bullshit.” We were in bands together in our teens, then he got into radio and then helped me get started.

You like to cook. Some chef’s don’t like to reveal their secrets, but would you give us your recipe for your salsa?
Mexican is more my wife’s forte, so my salsa recipe is her salsa recipe. But sure: Grill red peppers until they’re pretty well charred, then chill. Remove the stem and guts and chop. Mix with chopped tomato, red onion, cilantro, kosher salt and one or two chopped chili peppers. I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but that’s the basic thrust of it. (The Mexicans have gotten an amazing amount of mileage out of six or seven basic ingredients.)

If you could go back in time, would you: A) Puke on Carson Daly’s dick, B) Kick DanOD5 out of EllisMania 8, C) Start punching Rawdog in the dick during his internship, or D) Not masturbate on that bus The Jingleberries keep reminding us about?
A-C don’t really move me. Masturbation has been very good to me in general, but if I had to pick, I’d go with D.

Whether joking or not, has your wife ever called you “Round Eye”, “8 Mile”, “Gai-ko”, or “Baijo”? And have you ever called her “Yoko”, “Bomb Watcher”, “Godzilla Snack”, or “Bukakke Warrior”?
I’m glad you asked me this, because I often feel like, when we mention my ‘Asian wife,’ some people are picturing a mail order bride. She’s from Japan, but she was raised in Milwaukee. (To reiterate, that’s her salsa recipe above.) At one point or another, I’ve called most of the women in my life ‘Yoko,’ but that’s never been a race-based thing.

During the Barefoot Adventures of Tully, what was the craziest thing that you have ever done or encountered?
In retrospect, riding the NYC subway was a pretty deranged thing to do.

Were you happy during your break from the show, or did you miss it?
You know how, when you finish high school, or college, or however far you go in school, you realize that your last summer vacation is the last extended time off you’ll have until you’re too old for it to matter? Yeah…..No, I did not mind having nowhere I needed to be for a year. And besides, there were always reasons for me to stop by the show.

What moment stands out to you the most during your time on The Jason Ellis Show?
Hard to pick a single one. When I go home tired from laughing, or when we’re in the zone for an extended period of time, that always feels good. I like it when we’re doing something that the three of us find funny that I know no other radio show would ever be doing. And I liked the time Slash and I bonded over using the same guitar picks (Tortex extra thick).

What is your favorite memory from any of the Ellismania events?
I would be lying if I did not say it was one of the times when a roomful of people were chanting my name. That’s not something I ever expected to happen, under any circumstances. The first couple Taintstick shows at Wasted Space had a great ‘Is this really happening?’ vibe to them.

Are you still writing screenplays in your spare time?
Yes. I don’t have much spare time but, now that my album is done, other than the show and the new D!D!D! album, I have something I’m really hoping to finish up (sports drama).

Your CD “Retrofit”, is it something you’ve always wanted to do, or something you did because you currently have the resources available? And why is Rawdog so jealous that he wouldn’t play it on New Music Tuesday?
More about the resources. I had a bunch of old semi-finished songs, and I realized there was no reason not to have recordings of them. I’m so glad I did that, and so thankful to Christian for helping make it so great. It’s funny and minutely endearing that Josh has so much integrity about NMT. I hope everyone can tell that I don’t actually care about his (admittedly hateful) snub.

Sophies choice, Jason or Josh. Josh is young with his entire life ahead of him but Jason has kids and a radio career on the rise, or do you scrap them both and start The Mike Tully Show?
I’m not sure I understand the question. If you’re saying we hypothetically have to remove one guy from the show, then I hypothetically start writing a glowing reference for Josh right now.

Is there anything else you would like to say, shoutout, plug, or just get off your chest?
Really just thanks. Between the last Ellismania and my album release, I’ve had a lot of contact with listeners recently, and a lot of reminders of how much I really like 90% of them.

THE END

Shout out to @possiblytully for taking the time to answer our questions and for all the laughs he gives us on the radio! He’s smarter than you and he has his own album on the charts, what do you got besides a whorish mother?
You can buy Tully’s new album “Retrofit” on Amazon or iTunes.
You can listen to & download the free tracks “Auto-da-Fe” and “Will a Blank” on Tully’s BandCamp page.

Related posts: The Musical Mind of Mike Tully, interviewed by Nate Phillips
2012: This Year In Tully Images

Show Re-cap For Thursday 9/20/2012

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Who gets tired of titties?

Guess who again? That’s right, filling in for my colleague who is indisposed at the moment, but not to worry! The lawyer said there’s not enough evidence to hold him much longer and until there’s a trial, he can have limited contact with the general public. We started the show off with some DogCenter with Dingo and Tully, while we waited for Ellis to get his ass in the studio – topics included tits and ass. Titties are fucking awesome, but you already knew that. And if titties weren’t covered, you might not like them as much. HAHHAHAHAAA! Yeah, right. According to some callers, going around topless is legal – except if you cause some kind of commotion. Take that with a grain of salt, remember, these are callers we’re talking about here. All I know is way more chicks should go around topless, I think everyone would be in a way better mood – do it for the children of tomorrow, today!

While you were talking about celebrities…

Ellis had to go to the hospital for a massive needle in the side of his ass, his ex-wife hates him and won’t pick up her phone, and he had to drop the kiddies off at school and shit – so that’s why he was late. Driving an hour and half in traffic blows. Also, it sucks to suck, but it rules to rule. The guys were reminiscing about EllisMania 8, even while Forrest Griffin was beating the shit out of DanOD5, Danny still took Alicia and Tully to school, and Dingo just about died because he was puking for 20 minutes. Fiona Apple, who’s kinda hot, got arrested for possession of hash. Amanda Bynes, who suffers from butterface, got kicked out of her gym class. Paris Hilton, who’s basically a walking herpes purse, was recorded saying most gay men have AIDS and are “disgusting”. DMX, who’s not hot, ain’t havin’ none of that Google shit. And Dingo, after being taunted about his manliness from Tully, proved he was man enough to rape Rawdog by um, raping him.

Kill me now, or yourself. Either way.

Rawdog came up with a new game called “Name that tune, chopped and screwed”, but there had to be a pot of money for the winner to receive. He put in $5 bucks, but refused to put one more dollar in the pot – so we got the silent treatment while Rawdog was made to feel like a greedy person of a specific ancestry. It took awhile for everyone, besides Rawdog, to get into the game – and they seemed to miss some super easy ones, but nailed the harder ones – Ellis ended up winning the pot, $9 whole dollars. Pendarvis got his Wolfknives name today, as voted on by the listeners, and I believe “Jizz Cult” ended up as the winner. I was going to give you the top 10, but the online player apparently no longer allows me to step back in time – so I missed what they were while driving home and hitting the liquor store. But it’s all good – you’re not even reading this far. So do you remember how Octomom received an offer of $10,000 to pose for some magazine? Your mom got the same offer, but from National Geographic. OH!

If You Were To Give Me A Nickname Or Call Me A Name, What Would It Be?

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As a game for everyone to play, I asked a simple question “If you were to give me a nickname or call me a name, what would it be?” and asked everyone to use the hashtag #bitPimpsShouldBeCalled and here are the responses: Continue reading →

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 9/19/2012

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This is my sexy face.

It’s Wednesday and you’re stuck with me again! HAHAHAA! MUHAHHAA! I’m filling in for my bronie @AZ_RedDragon so you’re just gonna have to put up with me. The show actually started a few minutes early today, and Ellis already doesn’t like where he lives. He’s going to start training Katie in the art of war, wait… not war, boxing I think. Rawdog went to Ralph’s (a supermarket) while stoned. I don’t know how that’s news or even note worthy, but there ya go. In other news, Lady Gaga has gotten chunky. She said she’s laying off the alcohol and is now smoking more weed, and I assume scarfing down Zagnuts like they were the last thing on Earth.

Shame! Shame on all of you!

Since yesterday, Rawdog is continuing to receive threats, except now it has escalated into a kick to de face or a potential lynching. Ellis says everyone working for United Airlines is fat, they suck, and if their serving drinks – their ass shouldn’t be hitting you while they serve said drinks. Also, Ellis says Amy Schumer is a little chubby (compared to Katie), and then guess who called into the show shortly after that? Yup, Amy Schumer. She wanted to know what exactly was said because her feelings were hurt, and Ellis fessed up to what he said. There was a point there where she specifically said she wouldn’t come on the show any more and that would be the last time they talked. However, things got a little more clarified and it appeared to end on good terms, only time will tell for sure. If nothing else, it made for some interesting radio when she called in.

This is the only blue ice you’ve ever seen.

That company that made the hologram Tupac? Yea, their dead as disco now, broke as fuck, so no hologram Elvis or Michael Jackson for you! Noted MIA racist known as Donald Schultz stopped by the show, he’s been super busy with shows and entertainment shit and that is why it’s been several months since he’s been on the show. Schultz tried to tell us that planes routinely jettison human waste and fuel, which in the US is totally fucking false. That shit might happen in South Africa or in the movie Joe Dirt, but not in this corner of the world. Anyone else noticed all the song breaks today? I sure did, Ellis didn’t seem real into it, and sure enough – later in the show he admitted he’s sick and if Rawdog and Tully didn’t take over or some sluts called in, we would be left with a best of or something else. Some John dude sent in an audio clip of him AIDs farting and that seemed to cheer Ellis up a little bit.

If she’s pregnant, she must be a slut, right?

Thankfully there were some potential sluts that called into the show, so onward we went! One caller likes to lick pussaaay, another caller fucked a dude 3 or 4 times in one night, and survey says they are not sluts. Then we got another caller, she slept with 2 dudes (months apart) but both dudes live with each other and she’s a screamer – DING – she’s a slut. Some chick would get drunk and mess around with a dude wearing a Scooby-Doo outfit on while he fingered her, she thought his dick was too small so she didn’t fuck him. Not a slut. Yet another potential slut called in, she was 17 and at a house party looking for her girlfriend, she opens a door – no friend, just some dude – so she fucked him. She continues looking for her friend, this time behind door #2 – again, no friend only a dude – so she bangs him too. Continuing her quest, she opens door #3, and again no friend, just a dude – so naturally she fucked him as well. DING – DING – DING, she’s a slut. Another chick slept with her friend’s “boyfriend”, who she claimed “they aren’t really together, together“, so we’re left with the question of what the fuck does that mean and of course a DING, she’s a slut.

Did you hear Monica “Chunky Cheeks” Lewinsky is writing a tell all book about her time with President Clinton, who she alleges has an insatiable appetite for threesomes. Anyone else find it funny that the cow used “insatiable appetite” in her sentence? A bra-less Katie with sweaty boobs stopped in during finals calls. There’s no real significance here other than boobs, I’ll write about tits 9 times out 10, that’s just how I am. Continuing today’s theme of “chunky”, I ran into your mom one time while she was working at a gas station. I walked in and asked her, “Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?” She reaches over and grabs a Kit Kat Chunky and sets it on the counter. “No,” I said, “I wanted a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch.” OH!