Tag Archives: Will Smith

Show Re-cap for Monday 6/24/2013

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Happy Fuck Yeah Day!

Happy Fuck Yeah Day!

Happy ‘Fuck Yeah’ Day to you and yours, thanks to the one, the only Young Wing.  It’s true, we no longer refer to today as Monday, but just Fuck Yeah Day, google that shit if you don’t believe me.  While your at, google how fucking sweet hard candies are, especially the red ones per Ellismate, but fuck the Yellow!  Pound for pound, Dingo questioned what hard candy was, I mean fuck bro your grandma has that shit on hand without question, and I should know!  You should know to never trust a hash tag, or any commercials for that matter.  If you do find yourself with millions to spend, just make your own commercial, not advertising anything other than your sweet ass self!  If you have hundreds to spend, you can get a billboard and be sweeter than the majority.  If you find yourself like me with a few singles to drop, will post your shit on NoYouAre, OH!  Sorry that wasn’t funnier, and Tully’s sorry he isn’t sorry.  Meanwhile, Dingo says coke is still raging on the scene, but not like the 80’s – Molly is the new meth in case you were wondering.  What about Rawdog you ask?  he’s sick and on the show, infecting millions of #EllisFam with his Radio Jihad, despite knowing Jason’s rules on bringing Aids into Swinghouse’s Shitbox.  On a much more positive note, Ellismate had one of these this weekend, and it all started with Twitch hooking him up with a free room.  The skinny, moto with the kids who instead wanted to go to Grandma’s, so Movies and room service…..but then Ellis did get to take Tiger to Pala and roll a little, but Young Young Wing rolls a lot and with no regard for Fuck Yeah Day.  Sure he own’s it on a BMX, but this was only his third time riding and he fucked shit up, even putting it to some little girl who couldn’t pass Tiger, despite her ‘Moto Families’ constant push.  Hell of a day  for the little guy I’d say, far from the day Rawdog, the other little guy had on Friday.  Tully brought it up, cause he pissed in the Illusionist’s Puke, and he liked it!  So I ask you America, and Canada, and of the coast of Madagascar, how do you baby sit Rawdog?  Ask if he’s sick today, check if he’s had any chic-fil-a, and make sure he flushes the toilet – atta boy!

 

 

 

key_art_hollywood_newsPaula Dean apologized, a few times, and still didn’t quite get it right.  But turns out thats enough for Rawdog to still eat at her restaurants, zing!  Kanye West and Kim Kardashian blah blah blah blah blah.  Aaron Carter got fucked up.  Jim Carrey is in Kick Ass 2 against his own will.  Vagina is ok in the Ellis house, but not Ass or Dick!  Taylor Swift has a stinky box….would have been a much more successful shirt.  Michael Jackson would have died either way after roughly 60 consecutive days without sleep.  Scottie Pippen beat the shit out of some dude in Malibu.  Justin Bieber is banned from a Vegas Club……a sky diving club!  If you got shit tons of money, you can rent like DiCaprio or Willis’ pad per day or month, but you don’t so fuck off.  Scott Weiland got hitched while Will Smith got ditched from the Independence Day sequels coming soon.

 

 

I am.........Turd Man!

Turd Man and the NYPD working together at last

God Bless You! cause you are that fucking important after all.  What if God did bless you, with one wish, would you ask he “cake you in the right direction”?  Really people, what can God do for you?  If your Rawdog, and you overcome the urge to ask for money cause thats how your wired, you’d obviously want to be taller.  Tully would just ask for money.  Ellismate, his athletical abilities back, and some luscious locks while your at it!  Of course they all missed the most obvious choice, super powers.  The catch, cause there always is, you can’t choose your name.  So no Super Jew, or Jewper Man, nah son your Golem a.k.a. Turd Man!  Now thats outta the way, what to do with these God giving super powers?  If your a fan of Doing Stuff With Rawdog, may I suggest you listen to the replay tomorrow and Bob’s Your Uncle.  Let’s just say the Mexican Drug Cartel and Al Qaeda ain’t sweating shit with this doofus on the loose.  Turd Man not only lacks simple North/South direction, but he couldn’t find water if he fell out of your mom’s anus.  From bullets ricocheting and killing civilians to somehow only the United State of Delaware surviving Tully’s wrath, truly a good time for all those involved!  Oh, and you get a bonus Rawdog workout segment too with a generous and well deserved round of applause, you furry mother fucker you!

 

 

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Purple Limp Erections Are Kinda Godly!

Penis Pumps, Dick Pills, and do any hair restoring products truly work?  Yeah you may wanna just stop after the last segment if you do catch that replay I was telling you about, but when in Miami!  Penis pumps will get you that nice cold numb purple limp boner you’ve been looking for cause penis pumps fucking rule!  Viagra is ten times better, so just on math alone Viagra fucking rules!  No one really called on the hair care tip, but there were certainly enough Rawdog pity party pussies on the phones to fill the void.  From there, straight ass n booze, I mean another Ellis and Rawdog war of words.  Those two argue like brothers, or little girls, or your mom n dad when I forget my socks again.  You see, its kinda like Bobby Fisher and your grandmother battling over a grueling game of chess, with the inevitable God giving super powers waiting in the wings for the champion to seize and abuse.  Now your grandmama ain’t ever been known to win even a game of checkers, but on this said day, well let’s just say thats how she always knows when and where Turd Man, or just a turd in general is going to be, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/15/2013

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postcard

Allow me to play you the song of my people!

Until now, you have remained safe. Until now, you have remained untouched. We give you, the opportunity, to feed your obsession. NYA! Ellis thinks Quentin Tarantino is a fat old lady and over-rated, Cha-Chingo Unchained (or Jango & Change as Dingo calls it) was shit, and the movie Lincoln sucked. Apparently Dingo got to watch Apollo 13 in school and nobody really knows why, or if he was even really in school, or what kind of product he uses in those luscious locks of his. There was something about gluten, Judd Apatow, and some mother trying to control the world. I have no idea what they were talking about, neither did Tully and I’m guessing neither did you. Maybe it was something about Gwyneth Paltrow? Or that Mexican maid on Family Guy? I don’t know. Rawdoggie-poo got a gift from his Nana, he gets tickets to a music festival in Chicago. There was a ton of movie talk that literally went all over the place. We did find out that Rawdog pretty much hates Ben Affleck, except in Dazed ‘n Confused, and we also learned he didn’t see Good Will Hunting because he thought it looked dumb. You just know he was like, “Big deal, a janitor can do math? I’m smarter than that!” Katie’s birthday present was two nights at a hotel with room service and shitload of movie watching, hence all the movie talk. EllisMania 9 is back on, it is scheduled for October 13th and Katie will be fighting Rawdog. However, all that was overshadowed by the news of explosions near the finish line at the Boston Marathon.

swag

Fuck Dom’s shirt, I got that swag!

Some cop got all over zealous on a German tourist and said some dumb shit. Miesha Tate had her face fucked up by Cat Zingano, but everyone seems to agree that the fight was stopped too soon, but we’re also talking about a woman referee here so, yeah. Uriah Hall lost his fight, which kind of surprised quite a few people, after watching him put everyone he fought in a BAMbulance. Urijah Faber won his fight, but does anyone really give a shit – I mean besides that butt-chin of his? Ellis farted in front of Katie this weekend, a conscious fart, not a fart in his sleep. Tully’s never had a big farting issue at home, but he has started to try and curb the extreme burping. Dingo and his girlfriend both fart in front of each other, and they’re okay with that. Chicks shit – it’s true, and this spurred at least one caller whose chick pinched a loaf, took a picture, and named it – and that’s pretty fucking disgusting. Another dude walked in on his girlfriend taking a shit and heard it plop in the water – and that’s pretty fucking disgusting as well. Anybody catch moto over the weekend? Me neither. You can bet someone is fast while the others are slow, though. Dom “Lil’ Bane” the producer’s birthday was this weekend as well, he spent his 30th birthday all by his lonesome. Apparently he’s all dressed up today, trying to look like Jude, but instead looking more like Lewis Skolnick. Rawdog said he shirt is classy and is backing his style, so that right there tells you all you need to know. Dom says that he’s constantly working, even when he’s watching TV – and oddly enough, he doesn’t even own a TV.

katy_perry

Hollywood news does not come from your pussy.

Hollywood news time. Comedian Kevin Hart was arrested for DUI. And if you’re like me, you’re saying “who”? If you’re like Ellis, you’re saying, “Carey Hart’s mom”? This little bit of totally not news was milked for what seemed like, and was close to, 30 minutes. Justin Bieber visited Anne Frank’s house and wrote in the guestbook: “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” That Bieber kid, what a cunt. Lauryn Hill didn’t file taxes in 2005, 2006, and 2007, claiming that she “withdrew from society at large due to what she perceived as manipulation and very real threats to herself and her family.” Also, she’s looking like shit these days. Jada Pinkett Smith clarified her “open marriage” to Will Smith remark by saying that each of them can do whatever they want because they trust each other. So, yeah. Sounds like they can still fuck whoever. Hugh Jackman was shaken after a stalker threw an electric razor filled with her pubes at him, guess that crazy bitch thought Wolverine could use some more facial hair? Chi Cheng, bassist of the Deftones died 5 years after a car crash left him in a coma. And Clint Eastwood went to Coachella, which makes it officially the stupidest music festival of all.

In “My insane logic knows no bounds” news, Rawdog refuses to admit that Black Sabbath is better than Neutral Milk Hotel. Hey, wanna know how best to survive a nuclear bomb exploding? First, you wanna not be any where near that motherfucker. Second, you think you’re far enough away, but no, go further man. Third, don’t look at it. And fourth, curl up in a ball and await to be vaporized or grow an eyeball on your taint. And this is where my computer decided to take a shit and so far never come back. Lucky for you, I have an awesome phone to finish this fucking thing. And luck for your mom that I finished in her mouth instead of on her tits, because that open wound on her titty from her abscess probably would’ve made things that much worse. OH!

Show Re-cap for Friday 4/5/2013

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Happy BallsMy balls are awesome, they’re beautiful, they’re happy, and my balls are always bouncing
to the left and to the right, it’s my belief that my big balls should be held every night. Will loves the show like a child he hates who shits all over everything. Which pretty much means that given the chance, Will would drive all of us into a lake with the doors and windows locked because he loves us so very much. Rawdogs hair is getting better, Jason and Tully decided that it needs to be messy on purpose but not messy because he’s a fucking slob. If he does that then it will be garunteed that he’ll get laid. That or just do seven minutes on Ridiculousness, bitches love Ridiculousness. Speaking of Rawdog on TV, he wants to be on it but not do TV stuff. This brought up the discussion of TJES having its own television show. It wouldn’t just be  aTV version of the radio show like Howard does because that shits been done to death. It would be more of a skit/radio show/whatever the fuck they want show. Most of this time was being used to think of bits to do. And don’t forget to go to Cuteness.com and vote for Ellis and Burger in their cutest celebrity pet contest. (Click the link, trust me)

In Pot News, for the first time ever the majority of Americans think pot should be legal. Also in related news, umm, wait, what was I talking about. I feel like having some nachos. Tully brought back the Men Am I Right segment and a farmer misspelled his girlfriends name,shark stupid man when he cut a marriage proposal into his crops. A man reported an explosion in his home, he wanted to have a nice relaxing hot have so naturally he heated up his can of shaving cream on the stove. A man shot his girlfriend, kinda. She was preheating his oven and she didn’t know that’s where he stored the clip and bullets to his .45. I still blame the woman for that one, she should know that a dude isn’t going to use the stove for cooking, stupid girl. Then some super gross dude made a bar book where all the recipes includes semen. In the UK a man was driving erratically and then he was pulled over, not for drinking or anything like that, but for rockin the drum and bass. The dude was rocking out so hard that he was in the zone! And the winner of today’s segment is a man who was arrested for the 50th time, but this time he was arrested for stealing booze and giving away shots to people in the park.

Benji+MaddenBestie McBestington, aka Benji Madden came into the Swinghouse today. Apparently his recording session was delayed so he graced us with his presence. They talked about how much they respect and appreciate women, baking, motivation in the workplace, and the satisfaction of a job well done. Benji also talked about being the old guy in music production and how its hard to realize that all this stupid new stuff is kinda the same stupid new stuff that we liked when we were young. Then they talked about being on reality TV but he would only be on for music related stuff like The Voice. Benjis brother Joel is nominated for a loogie in Australia for his work on Australias The Voice TV show. And that’s all I have to say about that.

On to the Blowgies! A super gay competition with some super not gay contenders. The object of this competion is for two guys to give the most seductive, most loving, and most sexy blowjob to the big dicked rollerblader that they can while being judged by Foxxy (@Foxxy702), Eva Lovia (@MissEvaLovia), and Alice March (@alicemarchxxx). Long time listener, Fuck You Dude was the first contender and after slobbing knob like a seasoned veteran he got an impressive score of 20 out of 30. Perry was up next, it was expected that he wouldn’t be able to compete with FYD’s incredible fellatio skills but with some dick to face slapping and remembering to work the balls he came out with an amazing score of 25 out of 30! In the end Perry left with the title of best straight guy blow job on a mannequin dick.

“If she’s not winning watches then she’s not doing it right!” – A porn star

Wesley Snipes is back in society to continue his battle against vampires and space ship hijacking replicants. Something about Halle Berry. The Game ate at some restaurant and tweeted that he tipped the waiter six grand but lied. Busta Rhymes got into a fight over a cheeseburger. Titty. Joel Madden has great new hair cut. It’s rumored that Will and Jayda Pinkett Smith have an open marriage, but she said no and then said Will can do whatever he wants, like a boss. Snoop Lions record is coming out, in case you need something to waste your money on and burning it has become boring. Unsigned bands will be back next week. If you want you band to be shit on just send an MP3 to Ellisparodies@gmail.comIMG_9237

Final Calls were with only Ellis, everybody bailed to go find some hookers and coke for the weekend. Here are some of the things we learned during Final Calls today. When you walk in on your boss jackin his dick, leave and pretend nothing happened. Ellis is going to Nuculear Cowboys on Saturday, but if you see him and his kids don’t say fuck, shit, pussy, ass, cock, damn, piss, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, or hell yeah in front of Ellis’s kids. If your a pill head that can’t poop try snorting Metamucil, that shit will get your shit flowing fo-sho! A grown ass man should be able to piss all over his room if he wants. Ellismania on hold for now while Ellis gets things reorganized and calmed down. He wants to make sure everything is done right and the only way to do that is to do it himself. And the last thing we learned today is that the best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one. Unless the new girl is yer mum, never ever ever get under yer mum, it’s like the Bermuda Triangle of flesh and tits and hair, OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 5/4/2012

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We’ve made it! It’s Friday my friends, and I guess you can give 1 fuck today but only if you are a Beastie Boys fan. Will Smith might be who the bitches wanna go balls deep with now-a-days. He’s a pretty wholesome guy, probably doesn’t beat Jada or even drop loads on her face. Ellis had a hot blonde walk past him and he was searching for one of the pickup lines from yesterday’s show but couldn’t think exactly how they went. He was checking Twitter and boom, this same chick mentions how she just saw Ellis. So he DM’s her and says he was going to hit on her, she says “you should’ve, don’t be scurred” and he in turn said “I’m not, you should go out with me sometime” and then digits.

We might be seeing a new game in the near future, Cry Challenge. I’m not sure if there’s one signature move you could pull to edge out a victory, I think it will have to be based on how much you actually fall apart. I know what I’d try for though, I’d get that bottom lip quivering like a naked bitch in a blizzard, then get the water works breaking the dam, I’m talking snot dripping, slobber, tears, standing in a puddle of my own piss – you won’t be able to fuck with that kind of breakdown. Cumtard came on the show today, like as in was on the show, he didn’t seriously cum on the soundboard or anything. Now that that’s clear, he was there to play a game they’ve played before, Stinko De Mayo, where they will be blindfolded and have to smell some stuff and try to guess what it is. The exciting part about today’s game? Pendarvis will be participating! Pendarvis almost immediately flipped the fuck out when he took his first sniff and asked if it was cum, which was really 4 day-old scrambled eggs. I think Will ended up guessing 2 of the 4 items and amazingly, he didn’t vomit though it sounded like he was close to it. Rawdog was the next contestant, and ended up guessing 1 of the 4 items, also no puking even though it sounded imminent on the 3rd item. Super-Dad Tully was up next, he’s used to smelling baby shit and vomit so he might be immune to smells, he ended up going 0 for 4 – and again, no hurling.

Rawdog’s sister Gabi (@GabrielleRich) also stopped by the show today, with the idea of promoting her boyfriend’s new bar / barber shop or some shit. Rawdog got to put some of the pickup lines to use on his sister. Awkward. And then we got to play “Ask a bitch”, featuring Gabi Richmond, an admitted bitch. There wasn’t much to this one, except the one caller who had half his dick blown off in some god forsaken country. At first, I thought the dude was lying, but his story and descriptions matched up way too well so sounds as if it’s true. Poor dude, but he had a really great attitude about it so that’s cool. Oh yea, Rawdog arm wrestled his sister. You all know how this is going to end, Rawdog lost. And that about covers it, stay safe and have a good weekend all y’all. And make sure you’re mom stays safe too, make sure she has plenty of wire hangers around the house so she can keep performing her own abortions. OH!