Hey it’s me again pulling a NYA double shift, not to be confused with yer mum pulling double shafts. Ellis said that some people can cure cancer with their brain and because he is a pseudo celebrity on a media platform broadcasting to literally hundreds of people at a time. You know what else is true? Continue reading
Hi everybody! It was great seeing you all in Vegas, what a blast we had together! I met so many new faces, we shared laughter, stories, food, and good times. We’ve got a lot to cover today, so let’s just dive right into it, shall we? So today’s show was pre-taped, yesterday, about the events from the day before, but aired on Faction today. Let’s try and do this. It’s really not that hard. We already covered Friday’s live show, but we didn’t get to talk about HATEBEAN’s first and last performance that night, nor the Tiger Box concert later that same night, after HATEBEAN! Only HATEBEAN was live on OfficialJasonEllis.com, Tiger Box however, was not – though I believe it was filmed and will eventually be on the site as well. See? Simple, right? Continue reading
It’s Friday and everyone is busy telling social media how much they don’t give a fuck, and we here at NYA are usually no different. But today is special. Today is the birthday of someone you all know and love. Today is a day to give a fuck and celebrate. But keep it quiet…not everyone knows…and we’re planning a surprise…so let’s keep it for the end.
Dingo when he woke up in the hospital with no memory.
OMG sisters! I’ve missed you soooo much! XOXO’s and stuffs. After the week long break, the show is back and so are the recaps. This must mean contract negotiations are going well for Ellis. Nothing is finalized yet, but it looks very promising and he’s excited and will tell us all as soon as he can. Which works out well for him because he doesn’t want to lose his job. And it works out well for us fans too, because we get to continue listening to our favorite show. Dingo, 28 years young, has some shit to tell us today. He took the week off as many of us did. On about Wednesday, he turned the drinking knob up to 11 and carried that through to the 4th. He knew he had to fly to Vegas on Saturday, so Friday around noon he started getting worried he might miss his flight since he’s been up for 2 days drinking heavily and partying with all his friends, excluding Paris Hilton. Everyone avoided her house even though she sent out a mass text to let everyone know she was having a party at her house. Everyone has already banged her twat out so why bother going, right? Anyway, the 4th, it’s noon, Dingo’s concerned about potentially missing his flight. So he takes a substance to help him stay up, but you’re not supposed to take this substance that puts you into a hole, so to speak, while drinking. He’s at this mega house, a massive party house, a Hollywood royalty house. He starts feeling woozy, goes to the bathroom and throws up and thinks he’s gotten past it. He’s on the couch, he feels hot, he goes outside and feels like he’s going to puke again. He’s given a bucket and blacks out. He wakes up with doctors around him and he’s in the hospital. He’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is and doctors are trying to tell him how he managed to get there. Apparently he was stumbling around the beach throwing up, a stranger see’s him and gets paramedics to take him the emergency room in Malibu. They hook him up to an IV and the doctor says that’s all he can do for him and gets the paramedics to take him to the hospital in Santa Monica. They don’t know his name, he couldn’t be traced back to this mega home or friends. He made it to the airport with a plastic bag containing the board shorts and tank top he was wearing during his blackout, gets to Vegas in time for the fireworks and to introduce Nick Cannon. His new management company took him to the UFC fights and is still feeling pretty shitty so he smartly skips having any drinks in Vegas. Ahhh, the days of being young and doing the kind of drugs you can feel have aged your body by a decade.
So, he used a tool you say? What could it be? Oh, thanks Dingo!
Not to be outdone, Tully hit up 7-11 and mowed down a shitload of Doritos. He’s wondering how many Doritos he’s willing to admit to having. Has a bunch of food, some beer, and some smokes and almost goes into a Dorito hole. Ellis just stayed by the pool all day with the kids (yes, I’m including the youthful Katie here – HA!) and applying sunscreen to Devin every 20 seconds. Some strange kid wanted him to buy him a toy or some shit, another kid wanted to keep trying to pour water over his head and he’s wondering where the fuck the parents are. Then he see’s a kid go over to the edge of the pool, squat down, and release a bunch of little turd logs into the pool. Mr. and Mrs. Tully also saw a little kid face plant in from them and end up having to parade the kid around to try and find the parents because they weren’t around either. Parenting, apparently in LA, very few people actually do it, leaving behind pussy kids and annoying kids. Oh, and before I forget. Katie can’t throw up, she wasn’t feeling well, took some charcoal pills, and tried sticking her finger down her throat but it wasn’t working. So, it was up to Ellis to use a “tool” to help get the job done, which it did. As Ellis and Tully did a graceful dance around what this magical “tool” was, Dingo, well known for his masterful wordsmith abilities, blurts out, “dick in the mouth”. Oh. And also while Wilson was in Alabama, he never once heard the “n” word.
Ellis flirting with Kenda.
MMA News time with Kenda (not Kendra) Perez. Ellis received no drunk texts from Kenda over the weekend, so that pretty much means she was with her boyfriend and he must be working his way into her heart as well as her panties. Joe Rogan temporarily got put on blast by Dana White for asking Rousey if she was willing to rescue the UFC 176 PPV event in less than a month because it currently has no main event. Dana then later exonerated Joe and all is well between the two again. Chris Weidman put doubts to rest with his win over Lyoto Machida. Urijah Faber beat the brakes off Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres and it sounds like Urijah has had a falling out with Duane Ludwig. In TUF 19 finale, BJ Penn retired after his TKO loss to Frankie Edgar. And Ben Askren heckled “fat” Johny Hendricks and “bald” Dana White. Also, Chael Sonnen got fired from FOX Sports and UFC broadcasting. Speaking of people getting fired, here we go. Anthony Cumia, yes, the bitter old gal from Opie & Anthony also got fired. Apparently it was over some racist shit he said on Twitter. Whatever. I don’t care. Maybe not so coincidentally, new segment time with “Dude, Will This Get Me Fired?” The major bit of entertainment here was how we learned that Cumtard wiped his ass, between his legs, while standing up. Some chick he worked with at McDonalds that he tried to flirt with caught him with a wad of shitty toilet paper in his hand, dick hanging out, and standing like some kind of mental patient. Then we get another bomb dropped on us when Tully admits he’s not sure he’s ever wiped while sitting down, he always stands up to wipe. That means there are people walking among us who stand up to wipe. You know Tully & Cumtard can’t be the only two in the world. I never would’ve known, and you said the show isn’t informative.
Donald Schwartz, poaching, and history get me so hot!
Donald Schwartz called into the show to talk about how much it costs if you want to go poach a rhino. I might have written that wrong. He doesn’t condone poaching, matter of fact he flat out is opposed to it, he just knows a lot about it. He’s also opposed to beheading people, but also may allegedly know a lot about it. Also, apparently killing cool lions causes the pussy lion population to increase. I’m not sure how, but if Schwartz says it does, then I’ll take his notoriously racist* word for it. *Disclaimer: Donald isn’t really a racist, he just plays one on TV. Also, I’m joking again. He, as far as I know, has never played a racist on TV. Anyway, shit is in trouble. Animals. The ocean. All of it. And if they’re in trouble, then we’re in trouble. And nobody wants to report to the principal’s office for this one. Trust me. Or don’t. Trust Donald. See if I care. Just trust someone for once in your life. Wait. That might be a bad idea. Just go to awf.org, there are pictures there!
Ever heard of Jordan Haskins? Me neither. Apparently he’s running for 95th District Michigan State House Representative and he used to be into “cranking” which is supposedly a sexual fetish where he removed spark plug wires from cars, sat in them with the engines running, sparking, and making noises, while he jerks off. Time for some notable moments in world history with Ellis and Dingo. The Dalai Lama was a Korean dude who invented yoga, wears a dress, and is not the CEO of Apple. The bikini was invented by Dingo’s mom when she was born and his dad wore a blue one and got the nickname Blueberry. Amelia Earhart did not steal babies, but was the last female bohemian who made the world’s best/worst lemonade. Ever. She also went on a walkabout until women had rights, and then pissed off men threw her in the ocean. Lyndon B. Johnson signed up for civil rights which gave rights to civil people in 1964 and then promptly gave those same rights to everyone except for Dingo’s mother. That girl that sued Kobe Bryant was pissed because he tried to crack open the backdoor and she was not into the butt jams and so she sent text messages to the FBI and Kobe quickly bought his girl a ring with a massive rock, thereby apologizing for splitting another ladies butthole apart which required stitches. In the butt. Butthole stitching. The Battle of the Little Bighorn was between Colonel Mustard and Chief Sitting Pond, up in Canada. Neither dude took any shit, but eventually Colonel Mustard was killed by Indians (feather, not dot) and they were all like, “fuck that cracker-ass cracker.” People at the time were all like “that’s fucking bullshit, man!” But nowadays, people are like, “well, fuck that Mustard guy” because as a whole, we were dicks to Indians (feathers, not dots) and that pretty much marked the invention of fire water. John Gotti was the father of gangster rapper Irv Gotti, he invented prohibition, the Gotti necktie, and suits. The Statue of Liberty and french fries were gifts from France just say “hi, we like you” and we accepted both gifts which made our entire population fat, but fully pleased and in need of a nap. The French are still waiting for us to send them a statue of Hulk Hogan. The Watergate burglars where a family that robbed banks and information from Secret Services and sold them to the Chinese, but were caught by Deep Throat, who turned out to be Tom Hanks and was romantically linked to Richard Nixon. Alexander The Great was gay, but the greatest of all time, he hunted elephants, owned Rome, and participated in orgies like a champ. Somebody put mercury on their dick and poisoned him and then he died. The Salem Witch Hangings were real, not just a story to make kids stop eating cookies at night. They tossed witches in water, if they drowned, they were not witches, if they floated, they were witches. This was of course all before anyone learned how to swim. Benjamin Franklin flew kite, which created electricity because he put a key on that kite and then lightening was like, BOOM! Entrepreneurship to you, sir! And that concludes our history lesson for today, kiddies. Now, how would you kill Dingo? By grenades at the Grenade Games? Him on an ice rink with a bunch of rocks and you and your drunk friends get to stone him to death? Think of your best and then keep it to yourself because the show is over by now.
Awkward kisses.
When SXM keeps cutting out.
Here we go, bust out your to-do lists and start checking off that 1 thing you did and take stock of the 99 other things you have not done yet. Donald Schwartz is supposed to be filming and editing Friday’s show at the go-kart track, so you should be able to see that on officialjasonellis.com at some point. Dingo promises to wait until 4PM or so to shut the event down, like he did last time when he purposely pulled a Nipplopolis and went the wrong way on the track. So else besides Dingo likes Steve Aoakley? EDC or CDC or BBC or something or another is selling more tickets than Coachella or some shit. Basically, Dingo had another very exciting and busy weekend filled with drinking and naps. Ellis has managed to work in 3 shits today already, Dingo did a little one, and Tully got ripped off with his shit today. Nobody feels good about a terrible shit. Did you know Christian James Hand took his scuba certification in the Hudson river? Yup. That’s pretty gross. My player kept cutting out so I’m kind of lost in all this. Some how this segues into when Ellis was younger, his dad had a panel van, all decked out that he’d take to panel van shows and look all cool with custom shag carpet and shit. Oh yeah, and his dad tried to teach the kids how to barefoot ski because real men do it barefoot. Something about Urijah Faber and taking skydiving to a whole new level with MMA while skydiving. I don’t know if I heard that right, but if I did, that sounds pretty fucking stupid.
Aubrey will rape your entire family just to get a workout in.
Aubrey Marcus called into the show today. He learned Ellis has already taken his 3 poo’s, had a cheat day yesterday, and has no nuts of the macadamia variety. So workout talk. Nothing helps you lose weight like long, protracted workouts. So what you want to do is do really short bursts of hardcore workout stuff then kind of go back to a normal, easier pace, and then do a hardcore burst again. You keep that cycle going and you’ll burn calories and lose weight like God himself came down and sucked the fat right out of your cock and tits. It’s all about abs and ass, abs and ass. Another, less healthy, and unattractive option could be anorexia, but I’m pretty sure nobody recommends that route. Most people take fish oil pills for the brain and insides, but Dingo used to put fish oil in his hair for awhile. I don’t know if that made his hair smarter or just smell like your mom’s vagina. So remember when @CrackerStacker6 tested out the speech jammer and tried rapping along to Put Your Balls On It? Go give it a listen if you haven’t heard, he also did a version of Target Practice that was hilarious as well. Well Tully asked Cullen to put his lyrics over the music track so they could let Dingo listen to it. It completely cracked everyone up and then it was time for Dingo to try to speak using the speech jammer. He fumbled around a bit, but was more like a woman about because he’d just stop and they’d have to prompt him to keep speaking.
Back from the break, it’s time to play the dating game – with a twist. Two of the three “suitors” will be using the speech jammer while answering the contestants questions. The suitors will be Nate Hotdog (not using the speech jammer), Cumtard, and Jetta, both of whom will be using the speech jammer. The contestant is retired porn star Kayla Paige. She likes a manly man, so of course all contestants offer up the fact that they have a hairy ass. Nate was coached by Ellis & Tully into talking about how big and veiny his cock is and how he wants to jam it in her butt. Basically, suitor #3, Nate Hotdog, increasingly got more and more vulgar until he was shitting a crystal ball into her ass while cumming. So who’d she up choosing? Suitor #1, Jetta. There was a ton of laughs during the segment and at one point Dingo fell out of his chair. On a side note, Kayla gets to go out on tour for 2 weeks with Limp Bizkit. You tell Ellis & Tully we’re biting their tongues to play nice and didn’t make any disparaging comments about the Bizkit.
Someone’s gonna get fingered!
What kind of shit have you killed? At what age? Did you feel bad about it? Are you a serial killer in training? Most all of us have killed something at least once in our lives, the difference is if you had a boner while you did it or not. So somebody, lord knows who, submitted a link to 16 Musicians Losing Their Shit On Stage, at approximately 1:13 PM CDT on June 19, 2014 that was on the show today. That’s not important though, what is important are the ones I think were the top 3: And those were Biggie Smalls getting pissed at his DJ, Billy Joel getting pissed at his band, and Michael Jackson getting pissed at Slash for his epic guitar solo. Give them all a watch, it’s pretty funny. Final calls time, what would you do if you were 1980’s Billy Joel for 1 day? Dingo might take a nap and then do a bunch of cocaine. But really, everyone would just get on a private jet, fuck Christie Brinkley, dump her off in Provo, Utah and then try to pick up a bunch more women to worship your Piano Man cock. And that’s all I got for ya, stay frosty!