Hi everybody! It was great seeing you all in Vegas, what a blast we had together! I met so many new faces, we shared laughter, stories, food, and good times. We’ve got a lot to cover today, so let’s just dive right into it, shall we? So today’s show was pre-taped, yesterday, about the events from the day before, but aired on Faction today. Let’s try and do this. It’s really not that hard. We already covered Friday’s live show, but we didn’t get to talk about HATEBEAN’s first and last performance that night, nor the Tiger Box concert later that same night, after HATEBEAN! Only HATEBEAN was live on OfficialJasonEllis.com, Tiger Box however, was not – though I believe it was filmed and will eventually be on the site as well. See? Simple, right? Continue reading
It’s Friday, bitches! I’ll be your host for today, bitPimps here filling in for my brother from another vagina, AZ_RedDragon, while he’s off marrying his sister or watching his sister get married, I forget which. TJES is broadcasting live from the Roosevelt in Hollyweird, with a bunch of chicks with tits. Oh, and let’s not forget Hotdog & his donkey dick are there, ready to get some action. Of course the crew is there, except for Wilson – he’s back at the studio schmoozing up on Shannon The Animal Gunz. Nipplopolis and her husband are there, so is Fonzo – lucky fuckers. Everyone has been notified that Hotdog is a virgin and has never felt a boob, a butt, or anything. Oh, by the way, this is all streaming free on OfficialJasonEllis.com. Jetta tried to rally the girls to play some nude limbo, not a single chick spoke up. So Katie tried to rally the girls to see if anyone wanted to do some nude arm wrestling against her, nobody said shit again until finally one of the girls nominated another girl to do it. Champagne is popping to try and get the girls to loosen up and participate in anything other than chatting with each other. On an odd / interesting note, Joanna Angel doesn’t like her nipples played with, but she’s cool with 6 dicks and a finger in her ass. Go figure. Joanna started to dominate Katie, she really came out of the gate strong by asking her to sit / lay down. hahaa Things turned a little more violent after Katie was being choked & asked to be slapped, which Joanna obliged to the point she thought maybe Ellis was going to beat her up for slapping Katie so hard.
Back from break and it’s time for Katie to defend her arm wrestling title, this time against Jessie Lee. Two more chicks arm wrestled for Over The Top supremacy and the Mexican chick straight up cheated by using both hands and an illegal titty grab on her opponent. Some chick there who writes porn & tests out masturbation products for women has not tested a product because she was worried that it might produce air in her vagina which would kill her via air-embolism. Anyway, she lost her arm wrestling bout. Two more chicks are up for their turn at the Over The Top challenge, the cheating Mexican and a fully mixed chick with a ghetto booty. I think the half-breed chick won, then she went for the previous winner and took her out as well. Now is the championship round with Katie and Larry? I don’t know, that’s what it sounded like, it’s the mixed breed chick. So they go at it left handed and Katie won. Next round was right handed and mixed chick won. Vagina inflation update from Cumtard, theoretically, you could die from air in your vagina. Now, on to limbo, except nobody wants to limbo – at least not in without a nice set of heels to wear. Things finally started getting under way with about 6-8 contestants. It got whittled down to a group of 3 super flexible women, all of whom tied for champion of the limbo contest. For his efforts holding the limbo pole, Hotdog got a hot Mexican’s ass twerking on his pee-pee.
Back from break and we got a story of a man whose buddy stuck an air-compressor hose in his buddies ass and blew his guts up. Oh, and food is now served! Hotdog has disappeared into the bathroom, allegedly to get a quick jerk session in before he starts judging boobs. He may also be a little drunk already, after-all he’s only had a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich to eat so far. But enough about blown out guts and sandwiches, let’s get Hotdog feeling some boobies. He’s going to freestyle how he feels them, no coaching involved. He’ll be standing behind each set of tits, taking the back route, under the arm, all the way to titty-ville. So the first set of tits are from Jessie Lee, and how did Hotdog like them? “I can’t lie, they feel pretty awesome.” was his lackluster response. Second set of titties, I don’t know this chicks name, his response was pretty much the same, except he added he thinks he might like bigger tits better, to a set of smaller tits. Class act, that Hotdog. hahaa Third set of tits were those of Phoenix Askani, she’s into buttholes and weed, and she’s drunk. Hotdog grabbed his 3rd set of tits and Phoenix feels like she’s getting a mammogram. Fourth set of titties are those from someone I don’t know, she doesn’t know her own Twitter, so it’s cool. He not only felt her boobies, she showed him her wee-wat. Fifth set of titties are those of Jenna Valentine, she has massive jugs and Hotdog had to really put his back into it. In the end, who won? Everyone. Fuck it, when tits are out, there are no losers.
Back from break and it’s time for some chicks to workout, breathe heavy, and say stuff. Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen have showed up, strictly in a professional capacity of course. There’s about 10 girls participating in this at the same time. Some girls will be doing squats with kettle bells while the others will be doing ladder climbs for 45 seconds to 1 minute. I’ve gotta pull a Hotdog here and say, I’m not gonna lie, it started out sounding like that German gape porn and turned into something out of one of the Saw movies or something. hahaha The Mexican chick is telling her story about almost lighting a man on fire to Callen and Schaub – you may remember how into pain play Callen was last time he was on the show. Brendan Schaub will now show the girls some Jiu-Jitsu technique by laying on his back while a girl will get into his guard and try to escape or tap out. After she taps (or escapes hahaha) another girl will take her place to try escaping as well. But first, Callen has to get in a 5% gay guard to show the girls what they will be doing and the girls are demanding Schaub takes off his shirt. Schaub took out three chicks as well as a surprise attack by Katie, so Schaub gets to have his arm raised for beating up 3 different chicks. The ladies are starting to sound like drunk construction workers making cat calls and getting a little rapey with there demands to get Schaub nude, grab his dick, etc. He may need to be escorted out with security, I don’t know. It’s time for a break and the pin the tail on the donkey, or “stick a pin in Cumtard’s ass”, whatever you wanna call it. And yes, he will donning the C-string.
Back from break and Cumtard and his yam bag in a c-string are apparently a hit with the ladies, they keep screaming and smacking his ass. Whitney is enamored by Cumtard’s c-string. It took awhile to get the ladies going as they were on the bed taking pictures and such. Eventually things got under way and some ladies put some pins right in his curdled ass. Phoenix seemed to really take pleasure in her turn as she not only stuck the pin in his ass, but then proceeded to slap it home several times. This Dave dude from the UFC who came with Whitney via Onnit has given Cumtard his last warning, his dick is way too close for comfort. Oh yeah, and that Kellie chick who is friends with Katie took the body wash she co-created with Ellis and ate some of it, it tasted salty. There ya go. Chicks were also getting some anal lube from their throats. Somewhere along the way, Christian Hand snuck his way into the party, he’s never turns down an opportunity to meet some semi-naked hot chicks. The remainder of the show was spent talking with “Mr. Miami Club Scene” Brendan Schaub, fighting, UFC, and big booty babes he doesn’t discriminate against. Ellis is off to Minnesota, he will be racing this weekend and it will be on some ABC Sports channel, so check that out if you want. And there you have it folks. Enjoy your weekend, like the rest of us enjoyed your mother, over, and over, and over, and over… Rinse & repeat.
Here we go, bust out your to-do lists and start checking off that 1 thing you did and take stock of the 99 other things you have not done yet. Donald Schwartz is supposed to be filming and editing Friday’s show at the go-kart track, so you should be able to see that on officialjasonellis.com at some point. Dingo promises to wait until 4PM or so to shut the event down, like he did last time when he purposely pulled a Nipplopolis and went the wrong way on the track. So else besides Dingo likes Steve Aoakley? EDC or CDC or BBC or something or another is selling more tickets than Coachella or some shit. Basically, Dingo had another very exciting and busy weekend filled with drinking and naps. Ellis has managed to work in 3 shits today already, Dingo did a little one, and Tully got ripped off with his shit today. Nobody feels good about a terrible shit. Did you know Christian James Hand took his scuba certification in the Hudson river? Yup. That’s pretty gross. My player kept cutting out so I’m kind of lost in all this. Some how this segues into when Ellis was younger, his dad had a panel van, all decked out that he’d take to panel van shows and look all cool with custom shag carpet and shit. Oh yeah, and his dad tried to teach the kids how to barefoot ski because real men do it barefoot. Something about Urijah Faber and taking skydiving to a whole new level with MMA while skydiving. I don’t know if I heard that right, but if I did, that sounds pretty fucking stupid.
Aubrey Marcus called into the show today. He learned Ellis has already taken his 3 poo’s, had a cheat day yesterday, and has no nuts of the macadamia variety. So workout talk. Nothing helps you lose weight like long, protracted workouts. So what you want to do is do really short bursts of hardcore workout stuff then kind of go back to a normal, easier pace, and then do a hardcore burst again. You keep that cycle going and you’ll burn calories and lose weight like God himself came down and sucked the fat right out of your cock and tits. It’s all about abs and ass, abs and ass. Another, less healthy, and unattractive option could be anorexia, but I’m pretty sure nobody recommends that route. Most people take fish oil pills for the brain and insides, but Dingo used to put fish oil in his hair for awhile. I don’t know if that made his hair smarter or just smell like your mom’s vagina. So remember when @CrackerStacker6 tested out the speech jammer and tried rapping along to Put Your Balls On It? Go give it a listen if you haven’t heard, he also did a version of Target Practice that was hilarious as well. Well Tully asked Cullen to put his lyrics over the music track so they could let Dingo listen to it. It completely cracked everyone up and then it was time for Dingo to try to speak using the speech jammer. He fumbled around a bit, but was more like a woman about because he’d just stop and they’d have to prompt him to keep speaking.
Back from the break, it’s time to play the dating game – with a twist. Two of the three “suitors” will be using the speech jammer while answering the contestants questions. The suitors will be Nate Hotdog (not using the speech jammer), Cumtard, and Jetta, both of whom will be using the speech jammer. The contestant is retired porn star Kayla Paige. She likes a manly man, so of course all contestants offer up the fact that they have a hairy ass. Nate was coached by Ellis & Tully into talking about how big and veiny his cock is and how he wants to jam it in her butt. Basically, suitor #3, Nate Hotdog, increasingly got more and more vulgar until he was shitting a crystal ball into her ass while cumming. So who’d she up choosing? Suitor #1, Jetta. There was a ton of laughs during the segment and at one point Dingo fell out of his chair. On a side note, Kayla gets to go out on tour for 2 weeks with Limp Bizkit. You tell Ellis & Tully we’re biting their tongues to play nice and didn’t make any disparaging comments about the Bizkit.
What kind of shit have you killed? At what age? Did you feel bad about it? Are you a serial killer in training? Most all of us have killed something at least once in our lives, the difference is if you had a boner while you did it or not. So somebody, lord knows who, submitted a link to 16 Musicians Losing Their Shit On Stage, at approximately 1:13 PM CDT on June 19, 2014 that was on the show today. That’s not important though, what is important are the ones I think were the top 3: And those were Biggie Smalls getting pissed at his DJ, Billy Joel getting pissed at his band, and Michael Jackson getting pissed at Slash for his epic guitar solo. Give them all a watch, it’s pretty funny. Final calls time, what would you do if you were 1980’s Billy Joel for 1 day? Dingo might take a nap and then do a bunch of cocaine. But really, everyone would just get on a private jet, fuck Christie Brinkley, dump her off in Provo, Utah and then try to pick up a bunch more women to worship your Piano Man cock. And that’s all I got for ya, stay frosty!