2013

Posted on September 13, 2013 by Az_RedDragon

I came in a little late and Ellis was talking about rubber on fire and smoking in the yard burning kids and the only thing I could think was, “I didn’t think he wore condoms.” And then I realized that he’s talking about doing burnouts. If you are doing burnouts or having sex you have to stop when the cops show up. You gotta respect the police for putting up with your stupid ass. El Diablo Blanco is fighting this weekend, that’s The White Devil for all you people not fluent in Messican. Some how talking about the Devil Blanco Ellis shat out this pearl of wisdom, “When you get to the top you’re competing with natural ability.” Which pretty much means that you already beat out all the people without the dedication and drive as you and are on a level playing field of learned skill. Just like Deathbone McGee on the mega ramp. I’m not sure what that means but I just wanted to write Deathbone McGee. Ellis got five pairs of Metallica tickets to give away, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry. Ellis sang his song last night called My Blood. The main lyric is “My blood is out to get me” and he said it’s a dark metal song about, well, his blood i guess. What do you expect, I haven’t heard it yet, get off my back! Ellis had Katie sing it too so we will eagerly wait for that EP to come out.

A black man in Union Square yelled I’m gonna punch the next white man I see, and he did. Then the guy hit his head on the sidewalk and went into a coma and died. Ellis recalled the night coming out of nightclub when some fucking asshole punched him square in the pace while he has his arms around two ladies. The same thing happened to another dude the next nite but the dude died and that could have been big daddy Jace cakes and then this recap would make no sense at all. He remembered that when he was a kid fights were scary and ugly so he never really wanted to be in a street fight which is a good idea because it’s stupid and you never know, you might die. On a lighter note they played, You Sir Are A Moron, they talked about Astrological signs, ghosts, going to space, being a hitman, fucking Larry King and dying with Joan Rivers bloated skeleton in your bed every week.

Roger Black, aka Yucko The Clown, came in talked about his new show Brickelberry about park rangers and people and trees and a talking bear and bestiality. Sounds like everything a cartoon about a sadistic bear cub can ever be. He also talked a little about being on Howard and being a part of the Wack Pack and some other shit about this one cunt who played him to get herself famous and broke his heart and is hopefully currently in a pit of snakes that have herpes and syphilis. Yukko also said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” Anderson Silva did an interview about his front kick the he has been doing since his days as a wee youngster and how Steven Seagal is full of shit.

There were more fight submissions for Ellismania 9 and if you want to participate, send your submissions to radiofightclub@siriusxm.com or fightclub@siriusxm.com or something, I don;t really know, I just pretend to know. Apparently the monkey cats that shit out the monkey cat shit coffee are kept in bad conditions. So if you are an animal lover that loves monkey shit coffee you are really bummed right now. A video of a store owner that

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

knocked out a robber with baseball bat was played today, so I found it for you too because I’m nice and shit. Fredericos is giving away free burritos on Monday now E.coli free! To be honest I was really stoked about this but then I found out that it’s only at the location that was serving the “shitting blood special” and not the one by me. I love me some free burritos. The Titanic Heritage Crusty Dusty Box Committee is mad at Redbull because they made a commercial that if the people that were on the Titanic had Redbull they would have been able to grow wings and fly to safety. This is bullshit, all that would have happened is the band that stayed on the boat would have played something more awesome like the Mexican Hat Dance or Breadfan. Also the Titanic committee said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” If Josh gets knocked out and jacked off by Nick Swardson after his fight, he’ll let Ellis put it on YouTube. I don’t know if Nick will knock out the bush baby but I do know that if you want to see someone jack off unconscious dudes you can go to YerMum@YouTube.com, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/1/2013

Posted on April 1, 2013 by bitPimps 中

First time we banged your mom, she said we were too bookoo. But we all knew that was bullshit & sure enough, she took every inch of the entire NYA platoon.

Wassup bitches!? It’s April 1st and that means I’m gonna go full on douche and play an April Fool’s joke or 3 on your asses. Better be on your toes, sisters! So with it being Monday, guess whose in studio today? If you said Uncle Mayhem, you’d be wrong because that ship sailed awhile ago, and Dingo has been coming in on Mondays for awhile now. Ellis was hanging out with old people while looking at a house, the old lady was cool, but the old guy was shaking his head at Ellis. Ellis was all like, “your pants, your belt buckle is on your belly button and I haven’t shaken my head at you in disgust.” He didn’t say that out loud, but he was thinking it – so maybe that old man got the telepathic message – or maybe not. Do you know what ghost hunters wear when they go out hunting for ghosts and other apparitions? Affliction Clothing. Ellis went running for his workout, Dingo has been running, but also skipping the running and instead eating, oh and Rawdog got invited to and participated in an orgy! April Fools, he is still in the friend zone.

In this monetary based world, if you’re not thinking about money, you’re either rich or dead.

Ellis has been worrying about money, so like anyone suffering through tough economic times, he bought 3 motorcycles over the weekend. But hey, he’s looking to move, maybe he’ll be without a pool, a smaller house, and maybe the kids will have to share a room, but things will work out and the kids seem to really like the idea of it all – so that’s what counts. Rawdog had a pround “big brother” moment yesterday. He’s little brother MC McJewyPants started spitting his flow and impressed his big brother with how much better he’s gotten in the past 6 months. Hey, how do you wanna die? Viking style on a flaming boat? Buried in the ground in case you can become a zombie? Burned into a pile of ashes in a crematorium? All this death talk spurred some pretty upbeat conversations, such as family members dying far too soon and supposed crematories that actually just give you a sack of ashes from a month’s worth of smoking in a dive bar. And with that, Tully tried to steer the conversation to a brighter side by mentioning it’s opening season for baseball and some dude in the NCAA broke his ma-fuggin’ leg. When it first happened, everyone was pissing their pants about how bad it was, but that really doesn’t compare to Clint Malarchuk’s accident.

Just watch Spiderman or something, you’ll be much happier.

Jon Jones has pulled out of his fight with Chael Sonnen, he just found out he has AIDs and the athletic commission will not allow him to fight due to the potential threat of other fighters contracting HIV. April Fools, the fight is still on. Georges St. Pierre has to back out of fighting Johnny Hendrix because he wants to be in a movie. Chris Weidman is preparing for his fight with Anderson Sliva, while Anderson is busy picking his balls, and learning how to speak like Steven Seagal. Hollywood news time, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers have tried to get her to go to rehab and then I trailed off because I’m so sick of hearing about her that I could literally puke, eat said puke, shit that puke out, eat the puke I just shit out, and then shit it out again and slather it all over my body. And that is no April Fools joke. Kim Kardashian is a big fat whale and her stupid shit sisters have all come out to defend her gargantuan structure and say that she is really pregnant, not just eating ice cream sandwiches. Rawdog can’t pronounce Liev Schreiber’s name, we shouldn’t be surprised. Halle Berry wants a law passed where you can’t photograph the young children of celebrities. Justin Bieber got confiscated in Germany. April Fools, it was his pet fucking monkey. Is this dude turning into Michael Jackson or what.

Is Rawdog going to start wearing make-up now too? Come on, buddy! Confront your roommate, if not for your own sakes, for all of ours!

And with that Rawdog brought out a new segment “See It Or Fuck It”, where Rawdog tells you about the movies coming out and Ellis says if he’d see it or not. First up, GI Joe. Survey says, go ahead and see it. Next up was another fucking Tyler Perry piece of shit. Survey says, if you’re black, you know you’re gonna go see that shit, if you’re white, come on. Next was The Host, it sounds horrible. Survey says, avoid that shit like you avoid family functions. Let’s just skip the rest, they’re all shit. Speaking of shit, Rawdog’s gay roommate clogged the toilet with his massive gay turds, and left that shit there for him to deal with. So what’d Rawdog do? Went to Jack In The Box to go potty. What. The. Fuck. Dude gets steamrolled by women, and now by his roommate too? Confrontation is not in Rawdog’s vocabulary, he just got friend zoned by shit. Pretty much everyone is ready to fly across the country to tell Rawdog’s roommate that he’s a dumb motherfucker and he better ~~cut the shit~~ plunge the shit or next time he’ll be eating it. A university study of people in different phases of sexual activity say that the more sex you have, the bigger your brain swells and throbs.

Gonna go on a date with a porn star? Both of these are going to be your friends.

This leads us into Eva Lovia (thanks @cogdeth, I didn’t hear who it was), who visited the show today. She’s an astrophysicist who proved the Virial theorem in stellar astrophysics. April Fool’s, she’s a 23-year-old porn star. Her and Ellis were supposed to go out one night and he opted to stay home instead, so they smoothed things over and told each other that they look better in person. Then they talked about when she started fucking, who she started fucking, why she started fucking, and other fucking related topics. She does other stuff too, like having fun and activities. But mostly of the fucking activity variety. Ellis wants to pump her for 6 seconds, she’ll let Rawdog pump her for 6 seconds as long as they’re both clothed. Rawdog claimed he could pump more than 4 times in 6 seconds, completely missing the joke Ellis made about him blowing his load too early. It was Dingo, pound-for-pound today’s funniest guest, who jumped on the opportunity to explain the joke to Rawdog. Poor guy.

Why didn’t The Lord take the uglier ones first?

Now is when the show moved to “Women, Am I Right?” and we were blessed with a plethora of even smarter women who do things like; blame trained squirrels for destroying their garden, fall out of their vehicles while reversing, along with many other stories, and why you should spill your man nectar on their outsides, not their insides. This brought a single, mini whorecaine into the studio, or better known as Katie. But she’s not stupid, ugly, or dumb. She is a little weird, but fuck it, she’s hot and has nice titties – you’d totally let her walk over your ass if she was yo baby momma, admit it. While we’re at it, I know you’ve been wondering why you cry so much during sex, it’s from the pepper spray, man. OH! Sorry, I know that’s a touchy subject for you. I also know what’s long and hard on you as well. The fourth grade. OH!OH! Which is also the sound your mom made upon her first double penetration. OH!OH!OH! And that’s what dyslexic Santa says. FUCK IT, I’M OUT!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 2/7/2013

Posted on February 7, 2013 by wiz1010

A long long time ago, in a far far away place, on a Thursday too coincidentally, someone somewhere made a huge mistake, accidental genius one might say, and let some Aussie washed up skate boarder hop on a microphone and riff. I don’t think it was Birdman he was referring too, and sharp things fucking suck dude. Drama nearby the swing-house studios. Cop cars and ghetto birds flying around, apparently looking for some former cop who went AWOL and started killing other cops n shit, fucking gnarly shit bro. Awso equawwy as fucking gnarwy, check out who’s in the Huffington Post sewwing his super accurate fortune cookies. Did you know when Ellis works out, Fionna Apple is too little, and Sepultura’s 1st album is too much. You can thank Rawdog for that first artist being on Ellis’s ipod. Speaking of Rawdog, he’s getting all cut up, well not yet but he is working out and getting into it, you go girl! Did you know phones make us bad parents? But not Tully, superdad got his twinkle twinkle skills down. Bindi Irwin, daughter of no longer with us superdad Steve Irwin, told Hillary Clinton to shove it, yo also go girl! She also is apparently in Bindi’s Boot Camp, but it ain’t no JewManji so I ain’t checked that out yet. Oh shit, how could I forget, Ellis was working the heavy bag when he felt something happen, possibly a slipped disc, or displaced rib, that or he’s pregnant, and the baby collapsed his lung, something like that….

Hey Hey it wasn’t my fucking idea!

Self proclaimed ledge Steven Seagal has a new posse to teach front kicks to while overlooking the Arizona public school system. I wonder if Seagal uses the same facial creme Ellis got in the mail today? Whateves right – Remember DirtShark from DirtShark.com fame, if you don’t he came on the show a while back with a moto dude, and personally it was some of the shittiest TJES I’ve ever heard, still better than 96% of the shit out there though. Anyways, this dude seems to get sweeter by the minute, starting with his Sharklets he’s bringing by later to play a game, kinda sweet huh. So the game has some questions that need to be answered ahead of time, and Rawdog Ellis n Tully were the first to go. Short n sweet, Ellis fucks like he plays rugby, while Rawdogs a sorta table tennis kinda guy. While Tully’s Mom’s best feature is her smile, Ellis’s has to be her tits. Tully refuses to fuck hatians, Ellis wont do a Nazi, and Rawdog is against slamming any retards. Women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, drive or play basketball on TV per Ellis. About then Tully committed to a plan to go softy McFrostington on ’em saying women shouldn’t cry without a shoulder to cry on, PFFFfag. And how much on a first date should you spend? Rawdog calculated the average over his last ~~few~~ dates, he spent 70 bucks. Ellis was willing to spend whatever it takes, while Tully would pay whatever she costs…..kinda the same thing idn’t it?

This is why Rawdog will Never go to jail!

Bitch Had It Coming News is just fucking nasty, and sounds like a NoYouAre joke to me. What would happen to your ass in jail? Well we all remember that Rawdog is doomed as a drug mule so there goes his ass. Ellis thinks he’d be raped for sure, or shanked, or both, at the same time. Wonder if Rawdog would get shanked, possibly Tully thinks somebody would have too even if just cause they finally can kill someone. And what if you fuck a dude in jail, do you come out of jail with a totally different outlook on ass and whos it is? This and more on The Jason Fucking Ellis Show Barry Damn It! So yesterday I told you not to quote me on the email address for Unsigned Farts, and hopefully you didn’t. If you have an Unsigned fart, email it to jellis@siriusxm.com. Shout out to all you muthafuckers who sent in farts n burps for today’s vulgar display of awesomeness. Truth though, if your gonna make one of these, you gotta try to get the vocals and the fart/burp together at the same time. Except for that dude who said “I cum under it from under” you keep doing what you do homie! Aussie News is just lame man, fucking pussies. If Ellis were president, he’d not only ban birthday singing at restaurants but set a minimum grade for all meat. This of course doesn’t apply the Bee restaurants and their famous Honey Burgers, I mean really. Mexicans Am I Right? So did they take all the shitty jobs from the 14 year old white kids, or are today’s youth just too lazy or good for working the drive through at Burger King? Who knows, but they got cool cars and their chicken is pretty fucking slammin’ too.

p17inacnbn1v61nrflddvhqg7b3_X41Y41_280x190

Tara

Gemma

So remember that game and those Sharklets that DirtSharks bring by, well he brought ’em by, say hello to Gemma and Tara. One’s from Australia the other New Zealand, and both looking for that guy whos a FGC (Future Green Card). They also both sweat Dingo, but then again it is fucking Dingo right! Ellis had to school ’em on who was the first to make it America, really just revealing he’s getting up there a little in years. Turns out these two chics live a few blocks away, and are willing to stop by everyday if the show just provides beer. You thinking what I’m thinking…..Dingo’s fucking really cool huh. One of them’s sponsored by Monster n one hosts something on Fuel TV, blah blah blah blah. Look they’re pretty fucking hot, and if you ran the show you’d be sweatin’ this opportunity, plus we got a game. Today’s game is brought to you by DirtShark Wednesdays so get it up ya! So you remember earlier Tully n freinds answered a few questions, well apparently so did Will Shindarvis, Cumtard, and the intern guy, and the Sharklets had to answer them. Winner gets a date, loser got off lucky cause there was no penalty this go around. First off, these chis are a lot of fun I’m sure, so Tully’s romantic soft thought out shit just didn’t cut it. The fucking intern don’t really matter yet, so theres that. Rawdizzle did ok, since he does draw the line at sticking shit in his ass without asking if you wanna a piece of the Dog. Will read the questions and sabotaged Ellis’s answers, so The Wing was fucked from the start. Despite Will’s antics, he still fell short with his chess like fucking skills, and his answer that practically begged for a date with these chics. So would I leave out, oh shit Cumtard from sector Cumtard of Planet Cumtardia, well despite his bull riding skills in the moon bounce, he got stiffed on the date he won, and instead was jsut offered to take His Shirt off in front of them…..he respectfully declined.

Fucking Oath Mate – Just Like Me Mum

Coming soon Im sure, Ellismate approved pasties. They’re just stickers, but they work like a champ, and damn near were tested live in the studio. Its not insertion so its mellow, much like final calls were. Anyone could have called in to talk to these chics, or DirtShark even, but nope they were just about all for The Wing. Hey Ellis, whats it like for you and your chic to wanna fuck everyone all the time? Yo Ellis, tell me more about old man balls on your chic at swinger parties. Ellis, Ellis, did Rawdog microwave anymore cum? Dirtshark did let us know to look for the possible ‘Chad Reedets’ coming soon, allegedly maybe? Ever wonder what its like to watch TV with Ellis? Poto, Pussy, Poto, Punching, Poto, Pussy, Punching, Pussy, Poto! Glad to not the The Hills in there, cause everyone knows Josh Hansen is a huge start in Australia. Its weird I know, much like Americans and their fascination with wallabies as pets. Not as weird as Ellis’s nickname with his real friends – Bubbles! Yeah but I don’t know him that well so I ain’t calling him that, ya didn’t heard me. I am however calling your grandma after i wrap this recap up so I can stick skittles up ass, fuck her, and let her taste the rainbow, OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 1/18/2013

Posted on January 18, 2013 by Az_RedDragon

Life sucks but if it’s bad then it will be good later but the bad needs the good otherwise the good will be bad. Get it? Here let me demonstrate, this blog used to be small, only me and @bitPimps, now it’s huge with up to and possibly more than a dozen readers! Still confused? Its like a hooker with no arms or legs, you just gota be good at suckin dick. Ellis has no cancer or aids because he’s a champion who has a plan and takes opportunity when it comes, also his skin doctor said so. Ellis’s mom might visit or get new boobs she’s not sure, but that’s just how they roll down in Australia. Speaking of plastic surgery, Ellis is thinking about getting Botox to make his eyes “less tired” looking. Here’s the chain saw bird. Josh has been working out but it also looks like he is getting fatter. The light run and chicken nugget diet doesn’t seem to be pulling the results that he has hoped.

Manti Tay’o of Notre Dame had girlfriend die and made a bit to-do about it and shit but it turned out that he never had a girlfriend in the first place. I really don’t give a shit and if you do then here is a link for you. Today was New Music ~~Tuesday~~ Friday, lucky us. Will.i.am and Brittany Spears made some shitacular music together,

I rock so hard that I just shit myself!

Mackamore and Ryan Lewis did more crap, 2 Cellos ruined more good somgs, and ASAP Rocky did something else that probably sucked. But more importantly in Finish news, and in Korean news. Kelly and Sam visited from Toronto and played Tullys Steven Segal true/false game. Did you know that Segal loves wine? And that he is so full of shit that he actually believes the shit he spews to the point that he might be one of the most fascinating dudes ever. Oh and Kelly didn’t lose so there wont be any dick sucking but Sam is gonna slob some major know toinight!

Lance Armstrong did roids and told Oprah, woopiddy-fuckin-do. Hollywood news, who gives a fuck, it’s Friday and I don’t live there. During Final Calls we learned

NOT A DRAMATIZATION!!

that if you get drunk and stabbed it’s probably because you hang with stabby people. Ozzy set his house on fire, and that’s metal as fuck. Joe Rowe is in love with Two Two so much that he sand about him. Andy Dick stopped in for the last 15 minutes and talked about weed, brain damage, tap dancing, ambiguously gay famous people, Joe Rogan, broken bones, and sang a song about stalking his neighbor and finger banging her. I was very happy to hear this, not because the song was good, but it’s nice to know the Andy Dick is treating yer mum so well, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 12/4/2012

Posted on December 4, 2012 by bitPimps 中

We’re just here for the strippers and midgets, bro!

Yo dude bro-bro dudes-bro! It’s Tuesbro, so let’s see what the bro’s have for us on today’s bro-show, you know, bro? I missed the first 20 bro-down minutes or so of the show, so I’m not sure what the topic was, but I came in right when Mayhem volunteered his mother to fight Rawdog. A blind man also called and offered to fight him as well. Not everyone can agree upon what is the cutest puppy, but one thing is for sure, Rawdog just might be the cutest puppy of them all. Deaf people definitely have deaf pride, all trying to rub their deafness in everyone’s faces, telling you they can feel sound vibrations and shit. But who would win in a war with deaf people versus blind people? What about midgets? Why aren’t midgets for sale yet? Some things in life just don’t make any sense. Lot’s of stripper talk today, their stripper tactics, their stripper games, and stripper etiquette. Ellis popped Katie in the face today with some jabs while they were doing some boxing for a workout. She liked it and wanted more, biatch be cray, yo!

Steven Seagal teaches dudes how to wrestle, too!

Hollywood news time, Gary Busey’s bankruptcy case is now closed, but he still owes $450,000 to the IRS. Demi Moore’s banging some new young dude, and guess what? Tully knows him. Katt Williams is back in the news after leading cops on a chase, he stopped at Target and slapped the shit out of an employee. Katt seems to be out his gotdamn mind. Kim Kardashian is still in the middle east, but with what looks like herpes. Nick Lachey got into a fight with a San Diego Chargers fan, he was making fun of some other dudes shirt (tough guy stuff), this dude’s wife told him to eat shit or something, and then Nick-bro flipped out and got kicked out of the game. Frankie Muniz had a mini-stroke at the mini-age of 27, which would suck large-balls, so let’s hope his mini-ass gets back into better health. In the late 1980’s, Brad Pitt was caught with Mike Tyson’s wife, Robin Givens. Red Dragons! Tyson also revealed that he was high on cocaine while filming The Hangover. Randy Couture made a half joke that he would only come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal, so Seagal said he’d fight him for free at some place where there are no witnesses. Hugh Hefner had some chick leave him at the isle just before their wedding, but now it’s back on. Yay for money!

Fuck your Christmas songs, you need a Slayer tree topper!

New Music Tuesday Christmas edition today, we got hear new hits from such awful acts as Cee-Lo, John Travolta & Olivia Newton John, August Burns Red, Backstreet Boys, Colbie Caillat, Thousand Foot Krutch, Rod Stewart, Tracey Thorn, Flatulenta, Blake Shelton, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and fucking finally Sufjan Stevens as the pick of the week. All of it was absolutely terrible and was hell on Earth for most of us. Breaking news, Sal Masekela is ~~dead~~, no wait, X-Games are ~~dead~~, no, that’s not right either, Sal & ESPN broke up, yes, that’s correct. He will no longer be hosting X-Games. I wonder if they’ll remain friends and send each other Christmas cards? This whole Sal & ESPN thing spawned a massive conversation about hosts and people who interview athletes at sporting events. Aussie news, crocodiles are getting their Christmas dinners in early, sounds like they’re eating children left and right, I don’t even think they served yams.

Wanna have lunch with Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully? Tough shit, motherfucker. Just kidding, you can go bid on your chance to win that life altering moment, and when you win, prepare to fingered with mind tongue. In cock news, George Takei said he jacks off to completion in the shower while thinking of Ellis. You might not want to donate your spermies to a lesbian couple unless you have some sort of legal document that states they can’t come back after your ass for some duckettes. What is the difference between your mom and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. OH!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Steven Seagal

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/13/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/1/2013

Show Re-cap For Thursday 2/7/2013

Show Re-cap For Friday 1/18/2013

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 12/4/2012