Tag Archives: Rude Jude

Show Re-cap For Monday 12/10/2012

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Awkward porn is awkward.

It’s Monday, it’s colder than a well digger’s ass, and I’ve got a link to the sweetest fucking song/video that you must watch. Do puppies keep you at night because they’re chewing on your hands? Do you wake up in the middle of the night to watch porn where old ladies are doing young ladies? Well maybe you should. Or maybe Dingo should, because he just could not follow this story for the life of him. At first he thought it was mom on daughter, then he wasn’t sure what the scissor-kick-cookie-wiggle was, and I think he even started to think the topic was the new Spiderman movie. It took all three of the dudes to get Dingo back on track. Ellis initially started questioning his dick for a moment due to the weird underlying vibe the porn was giving off, at first he wasn’t into it, then he was, and then he went and banged out Katie. Manny Pacquiáo got clobbered hard enough over the weekend that people are already talking about his possible retirement from boxing all together. If you had to pledge your love to a new God and start going to church, which celebrity would it be that changes your life path and you start to follow? Chris Farley? Elvis Presley? Once again, Dingo went off the deep-end here claiming he’d follow Justin Bieber and Usher, or Quentin Tarantino, but not Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. It’s like I don’t even know Dingo anymore. Okay, so maybe I never really did know Dingo, but still.

For you people reading this, you probably already know oxycottonjohn (Yeahhhh Motherfuckers!) His little sister has setup a blog to accept donations for him and his mounting and very expensive medical bills. Please, if you can, help out a fellow EllisFam member. He’s a fucking great guy and would help you out if he could. Spread some love, you could use the good karma.

Not training for your fight because you still feel on your game?

Wanna see the worst free throw in the fucking history of basketball? Was that a relative of Rawdog’s? Was it Rawdog himself in costume? I’m pretty sure the answer to both is nope. Ellis has been teaching Katie pad work, not like pads for those light days in a girls life, we’re talking boxing here. Could we be seeing a “Dumped or Fired” fight at EllisMania 9, where Rawdog and Katie square off in the ring and the loser either gets dumped or fired? Time will only tell, but hopefully for the fans, this will become a reality. Some world champion mustache dude was there filming Dingo today, yup, that’s all there is to say about that exciting news – I guess at least he’s a world champion. Is it pronounced Appalachia or Far Fig Newton? Who gives a shit? Fight talk time. Ellis doesn’t think Shogun is finished, but a lot of other people do because he’s been getting his face rearranged quite a bit lately, but the only person who really knows is Mauricio “Shogun” Rua. B. J. Penn got beat again over the weekend and people still blame his laid back, weed smokin’ lifestyle for his lackluster performances of late. Nate Diaz flipped the bird on TV, is anyone really surprised that he would do this? He’s a bad-ass hoodlum, how could you think he wouldn’t do something like this eventually? I say more power to him.

Oh come on! I was just joking!

Quick, random thought: Am I the only one who thinks Maria Brink from In This Moment would be a lot hotter without the massive holes in her earlobes? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, some corpse fell out of the sky, it wasn’t a ghost, it wasn’t “Slimer” from Ghostbusters, but just a dude that tried to travel for free and in the wheel compartment of a plane. Which has been tried before by others, and most of them were just as unsuccessful as he was. And Darwin wins again. Tully had another celebrity sighting over the weekend while taking his son to the swings at the park, guess who was there? No, not Danzig. Yup, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were there. I assumed with their child as I believe Gavin is no longer into little kiddies at the park, but low-and-behold, Tully never mentioned anything about their kid. Make of that what you will. Kurt Russell’s nephew went to the same school as Rawdog once. Neat, right? Wrong. I can understand you liked Overboard or Big Trouble in Little China, but come on.

There was talk about Camino & Rick, but it’s all old and it’s all lame. Apparently there was a tweet, and then someone else tweeted, and then people had thoughts, and then it was on the fucking show. I don’t listen to C&R, I’ve tried, but it’s just not my thing. If you do listen to them, great. No big deal. I can’t believe anyone cares about any of this. Seriously. Jude popped into the studio just long enough to hand out vaporizer presents to everyone and then boom, he was gone just like that. Do you prefer white chocolate? You’re probably a gaycist. Don’t argue about it, just accept it and move on. There might be a few more things I’m forgetting, but really – are you even paying attention at this point? Me neither. Who cares. Well, actually, I’ll tell you about one time that your mom did care. You were sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and said, “Hey mom, pass the fuckin’ corn flakes.” She took you out back and whipped you with a rod then sat you back down and said, “Now would you like something from the table?” You said, “Well I sure as shit don’t want those fuckin’ corn flakes.” And that’s how I knew you were the spawn of my seed. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 12/3/2012

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Tanning beds are starving for huge fake boobs and bleach blonde hair. And sluts, too.

But seriously, I don’t know what this huge red bump is on my balls? Are you there? HELLO!? Oh shit! Wrong window, sorry all. I was chatting with my umm, friend, for another friend. Anyway, it’s Monday and it’s time for the “Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus” re-cap! Is it Ellis’ fault that there are a lot of fake, big tits in porn? I don’t know, but I’m okay with it. Will Rawdog find his face? He’s trying his best at the decorating his face game, and it’s coming along, but he’s got some room to grow into his face. Back to titties. Titty talk brought Jude into the studio to explain that in his twenties, he was very anti-big boob bitches, until he started banging moms and you know mommy titties start to sag and get all pancaked, so they get some upgrades. Nobody likes to cartoonishly fake or bad tit-job jugs. Tully might have a thing for 12 year-olds, he’s okay with tiny booby buds, and is also very anti-fake tits, bleach blonde hair, etc. Speaking of chewed up titties thanks to having children, shout out to @Cullensaidthis and his wife for making a baby! Ellis saw Pendarvis was getting on some tail last night, and it wasn’t his mom, no, it was his son!

Hey son, wanna make out during this Slash jam session?

Will we be seeing voice activated cars? A resounding “fuck no” is the answer. Just look at how well Siri works. More importantly, Ellis has his new voice altermacation machine all hooked up and gave us some Kanye style speaking and other voice altering tests. That one chick from England who everyone things is… Royally hot (HA!) is pregnant, or so they say – it could just be gas. What if you were able to be the King of England? Would you walk around dressed as Ming the Merciless and eating cake? Of course, Rawdog finds issue with this and wonders just how cool would it really be to be the King and thinks he’d rather be Paris Hilton. Guess who else stopped by the show to talk tits and touring? That’s right, Slash. He’s got short term memory loss and sometimes forgets where he’s been and/or who he’s met, does this really surprise anyone? Slash says he likes moto and follows Ellis and his moto antics, he thinks it’s very entertaining. On a separate note, Slash has a motherfucking Vegas style nightclub inside his house, next to his motherfucking studio, inside his house. That’s the tits! In a bid to be Super Dad, Slash’s 1110-year-old son is into skating and isn’t really helping him by busting out the Slash name – his son wants to do it all on his own. Will came in to play a game with slash, “Can you guess who’s rider this is, based on the crazy requests & rules” and it bummed Slash out. Slash invited Ellis, Tully, & Rawdog over to his house / nightclub this weekend, and you’re not invited – so there.

Slash has porn in the background all time, either on screen or in person. You do not.

Hollywood news, the short and intense version, starts with Lindsay Lohan in trouble yet again, this time for not paying her taxes. Charlie Sheen gave her $100k to help pay off her shit, I’m guessing because she hooks him up with some killer nose candy. She’s also being sued by the Lifetime Network because she wasn’t supposed to drive or something and she drove anyway. Recycled recycling talk reared it’s ugly head on the show today when a caller chimed in to say, “recycling helps” to which Rawdog responded “nu-uh, Penn & Teller said it was bullshit” and there you have it folks, clear as mud and straight from the horses crotch region. That spurred a bunch of opinions from people all the way from LA to Sector Cumtard – but we don’t really care about any of that, do we? Of course not. In other news, on the hottest day of the summer, Barney the Boil Sucker was sitting at home when his phone rings. “Barney the Boil sucker” He says. A woman replies “I have a boil that needs sucking.” Barney says, what’s you address, I’ll be right over. He finally gets there in the 95 degree heat and when she answers the door Barney is greeted by a 425 pound woman who has broken out in a profuse sweat, wearing nothing but a stained up bed-sheet. She is huge, big as a truck, and smells of old dairy products and body odor. She tells Barney that the boil is on her taint, but being the professional that he is, he soldiers on. He starts wading through the layers of sweaty fat, pushing the layers back behind him until he at last comes to the boil. It is huge, red and is topped off by a white-head full of puss. He takes a few deep breaths and begins to suck on it. As he is sucking the puss by the mouthful the lady lets go a little fart, unable to control herself from the pain of the boil. Barney, incredulous, shoves his way out of the fat and hollers, “Hey Lady, what are you trying to do? Make me sick?” And that’s why Barney the Boiler Sucker has never again accepted a call from your mother. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/20/2012

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Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a young Paul Newman & Clint Eastwood. It’s a young Peter Newman & Carl Eastwood. They were made in Nigeria.

You know it’s Tuesday when I say it is. You can trust me. Ellis has been watching a lot of porn lately and noticing a plethora of weird dicks, testicles, and vaginas running around out there in the wild. He’s also made a decision that he has to stop running and hiding by watching porn, he has to go to Australia and face some demons. Ellis is 41, Faction is on channel 41, and George H. W. Bush was the 41st President – and numbers don’t lie! No idea what that means, but it’s gotta be something, right? Tully always got the cheap shit version of toys, like Transform Bots or GI Jerry (Rawdog got GI Jew, The Great American Hebrew), and staying true to form, Jude used to sharpen popsicle sticks into daggers. Why can’t Ellis just push a “Simulcast” button that automatically patches Jude and his show into TJES? I’ll tell you why, because Swinghouse, that’s why. And why doesn’t Jude have his own show without Lord Sear, called “Rude Awakening” (title courtesy of Tully)? I’ll tell you why, because Lord Sear would smother Jude with cotton candy and gravy and eat him. Rawdog can’t say black names without Jude pissing his pants in laughter, come to think of it, Rawdog can’t say much without somebody laughing until they puke. Jude enjoyed his day off yesterday with some new designer drug that isn’t illegal yet, it gave him a whole body buzz, the lights twinkled, and it gave him the urge to eat butthole – which he did.

Nigeria is kind of a fucked up place, a funny fucked up place.

Now that Jude’s sister has moved in with him, he’s got a new masturbation rig all set up. He props his iPad up on some crumpled up blankets and pillows, proceeds about his business until he starts getting a neck cramp from looking off to the side and that’s his cue to hurry up and bust his nut. Meanwhile, Ellis (aka Dr. Dick) has porn going all the time because if he doesn’t fuck Katie until it changes the way she smiles, she’s not happy. Jude claims that science says that semen makes women happy and I have to agree, haven’t you noticed how your mom comes home in a great mood every night? Dustin called into the show to say he’s fucking his lesbian cousin’s wife, and he’s also living with them. His carpet munching cousin knows they’ve been cuddling and kissing. And who is Dustin you ask? He’s the dude that got shot and hung up on because he wouldn’t turn down his radio and kept giggling like he was in a tickle fight in the green room with Will Pendarvis and Cumtard. Do you have a flesh zipper in the middle of your balls? You should, or you’re a goddamned freak of nature. Scientific proof came in that fat people are not only stupid, but are also happier in general than skinnier people. Which makes sense, if a bag of chips makes your big ass happy, then think what 87 bags of chips could do for you! In Nigerian news today, click-pop-clickity-click-aids-pop-poppity-click! Click-click-pop, clicky-aids-poppy-clickity-pop. The only thing not completely accurate about that last bit was the American accent on the clicks and pops, other than that, it’s spot on.

Not a lot has changed in Nigeria over time, but one of the biggest changes was AIDs.

Who’s ready for a massive burnout? Kranky is and you are too, right? Note the fist and the “we’re number 1” finger in the air – fuckin ledges, mate. Let’s watch another burnout, shall we? Whiteboy Pee (aka Rasta Mayhem Miller) stopped by the show, he’s dyed his hair & facial hair black like Hollywood Hogan and is wearing a new shirt. Mayhem’s been getting bored lately, so he offered Rawdog to put on the Hulk Hands and give him a pop in the face every now and then, so naturally Rawdog put the Hulk Hands on the wrong hand and then proceeded to punch Mayhem as hard as he could in the most friendly way possible – so basically a love tap. Hollywood news time, that umm, guy that does the voice of Elmo? Yea, he’s now resigned after having a second alleged incident with another tight, young, underage boyhole. Jackie Chan’s old and tired and said he’s not going to risk his life anymore to sit in a wheelchair or risk his life to get a disease from having poop in his dickhole. I missed whatever else was said here because bitches be trying to make me work and shit, yo. When I came back, Wayne Coyne, the singer from The Flaming Lips, shut down an airport by packing a fucking grenade in his luggage, which went over about as well as a turd in a punch bowl or a genocide in some poor country. Nas hasn’t been paying his taxes, and so his wages shall be garnished. And like Fletch, you just know he’s going to hate the idea of garnishing his wages. I missed some more of this segment when bitch-ass ass-bitches wanted me to do more work. How dare they!

Today was of course NMT and I know you couldn’t be more excited about it! That’s why I’m going to be a total poop-dick to you and say absolutely nothing about it. Now is about the time I’d ask you something like “what is the different between an abortion and sand?” and tell you that you can’t eat sand. But I’m not going to do that today. No. Instead I’m going to tell you how I normally do my laundry. Step 1: Fill bathtub with warm water. Step 2: Add laundry detergent. Step 3: Place your mother in the bathtub and shoot her up with a nice speedball. Step 4: Wait until your mom starts convulsing in the bathtub. Step 5: Throw my dirty laundry into the bathtub. OH!

Cullen vs. Hurricane Sandy – 10/30/12

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Well done Backbone.

Download (link to MP3)

Bonus: The Cullen Intro!

Download (link to MP3)

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/6/2012

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What the fuck is your problem? Come at me bro!

Hey fucker, did you vote? Well did ya? Huh? Vote? VOTE? DID YOU VOTE? Fucking hell, we’re almost over it, and I know we’ll all be much happier when we stop hearing about politics and shit. Oh, and when Rawdog has to suck that dead horses dick. Speaking of which, dead horse dick guy called into the show to confirm details on the 10-12 inches of limp, dead horse dick he will be sending to the show. Shit is getting serious, folks. Ellis has decided that he’s going to be a weightlifter. Make of that what you will, but sounds like Rawdog will joining Ellis at the gym, pumping iron. Bets are already rolling in on when Rawdog will be quitting his new found love for weightlifting. HOLY SHIT! Ellis and Tully almost got knocked over by the zit on Rawdog’s temple, Tully thinks it’s big enough to be registered to vote. Canadians are all wondering what it’s like to vote in a leader of the free world, and boy are they’re bitter about it. What do you think about having a vampire as a President? Who cares, Jude came in to the studio and he don’t give a shit about that or Joe Biden’s hair line. Know what else? Jude don’t snitch, except when it’s on Rawdog, because that shit’s fun as fuck son!

I look the same after lifting weights as I do when I go to Home Depot.

Nobody else could fit in the studio because of that fetus of zit growing on Rawdog’s head, so Ellis took matters into his own hands and aborted that thing. I thought I heard a spank noise and crying afterwards, but that may have just been my imagination. Hollywood news times again, Lindsay Lohan did or said something or another, I’m not sure. All I know is she’s not worth talking about, plus I can’t stop thinking about that goiter on Rawdog’s head. Kirstie Alley said her and Patrick Swayze fell in love on the set of some piece of shit movie, but they were both already married so they never actually physically fucked, only emotionally. Ellis will be going to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, who all have great tits, and Katie had never seen National Lampoon’s Vacation until last night. Nobody really knows how that is even possible, but then again, nobody really knows what trimester that thing on Rawdog’s head was in. Would you live with Ewoks? Some people think Ewoks are adorable, Ellis would marry 17 of them, and thanks to Tully, we learned way more than we needed to know about Ewoks. Is JizzCult really Superman? Does this explain why he always disappears? Is he out there fighting crime? We’ll never know his real identity or how deep his love is for Cumtard.

This is why you don’t see any pictures of your mother as a child.

Will weed be legalized today in Colorado? HAHHAHAAAMOTHEROFPEARLHAHHA Fuck no, even if it passed, some shit dick would leak shit out of their dick until it was illegal again. What a dick full of shit. Will murder be legalized in West Virginia? You better hope the fuck not, because there’s going to be an influx of pussies from West Virginia making an exodus, maybe into your state. The rest of those crazy fuckers will be looking to murder some shit in their murdering-ass state. New Music Tuesday flashback to November 6, 1992 – will it be good or will it be shit? Things kicked off with some Rage Against The Machine, which is fucking kick your grandma down a flight of stairs awesome! Things went straight to shit from there with Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Whitney Houston, and Jade. Ice Cube kind of picked up the pieces of shit that had fallen from the previous three gaping bands, The Pharcyde, and Kool G Rap & DJ Polo helped as well. Then we had some sad ass Leonard Cohen, followed up by some gay ass Bon Jovi, some stupid ass Biohazard, some punk ass NOFX, and some hokey ass Ween. Next up, Ellis Jeopardy, or what I like to call, Tully’s going home with an extra 6 bucks. Then final calls, and we all know how well those usually go so no surprises there. You’re grandpa used to tell all his friends a joke that involved your mom. It went like this, “How do you make a 10 year-old girl cry twice? Wipe your bloody cock on her teddy bear.” And that’s why still to this day, your mother cries when someone gives her a teddy bear and 10 bucks. OH!