Good ol’ Kevin “Cumfat” Kraft rigs up 3 shock collars for the grand finale to Shocktober with guests Danny Kass and Dingo – 10/31/11
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Tag Archives: Rawdog
Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/30/2012
Dre ain’t gay, but his headphones are!
Coming to you live, from quite far away from the apocalyptic storm that has shat all over the Northeastern United States of Motherfucking America – it’s a Tuesday re-cap for your ass. Ellis woke up early to watch more Claire Danes movies, I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence or if he’s one more movie away from joining the Claire Danes street team. Tully’s kid is starting to be a real dickhead – his schedule is all fucked up from traveling to Japan and he hasn’t been sleeping, which means he and his wife haven’t been sleeping either. For the sake of humanity, some people are hoping Rawdog is sterile and instead shoots loads of Fanta, he also cannot do a handstand or even really get his legs in the air without help. Jude stopped on the show today after having yesterday full of hallucinogens and all day fucking, he’s sure there are at least a few homosexual rappers, but 50 Cent isn’t one of them. Do gay dudes ever fuck chicks? What percentage of gay dudes have never even touched a girl? According to Jude, DanOD5 was so faggy, it helped him pull more poon.
Stop domestic violence, support titty kung fu!
TJES correspondent, Bryan Cullen, called into the show to give us a live, on location, rock you like a hurricane, news update from the eye of the storm. The storm is going door-to-door giving people AIDs, this storm really is son of a bitch. Cumtard gave us some breaking Hollywood news – Disney has purchased Lucasfilm and so there will be a Star Wars Episode 7 in 2015, white people are pissed and black people don’t give no fuck no how, nah I’m sayin? Apparently Edward Furlong has not only gotten to fat shit status, but now he’s obtained wife beater status as well after being arrested at LAX for domestic abuse. Jude used to see him at parties every now and then, and fat shit wife beater actually stole a chick from Jude once. Octomom checked her gaping snatch into rehab and left her 14 little money makers with a nanny (or nannies and friends) while she gets off the pill train. And of course, we can’t talk pills without talking about Jude, Tully, and Tully’s dope sick wife. Okay, she’s not really dope sick, but she would be if she just picked up the fucking pace already.
If NYC falls to Sandy, the Republic of Jesusland is our last hope.
Backbone called back in to give us and update, the hurricane has now become a full on war, NYC is now bombing and shooting the storm. Shark people with metro cards are forming in the subways and planning a retaliatory attack. Cameron Diaz is not hot and you could pilot a supertanker between her tits, but that fact sure pisses some people off. Just ask the callers. Lucky us, along with Sandy2012 it’s also New Music Tuesday today. There was a band called Halitosis or some kind of osis that seemed okay, but the Red Solo Cup guy sounded like shit on a boot heal. Some chick kept repeating the word “touch” for what felt like 35 minutes, it may have been longer, I’m not sure because I blacked the fuck out. Bad news, the shark people have registered on Twitter and have put forth their demands. Good news, in a last ditch effort to save humanity, Tully registered shark people on Instagram. Your mom finally broke down and told the real story of how she started to be a whore. It all made sense, I remembered when you had asked me, “Why did the little girl drop her balloon?” I replied, “Because she was being raped in the mouth.” OH!
Show Re-cap For Monday 10/29/2012
Whatever life hands you, take it like a bitch.
Welcome friends, this is Monday’s re-cap and it’s going to feel so good once it slides it way into you, right to the top. Ellis spent the morning crying his eyes out after waking up super early in the morning and watching some sad-ass tear jerker of a movie called Evening. Hey, Dingo was on the show today, he’s horrible at guessing movies, thinks Helen Hunt is Meryl Streep, and they play retarded cows. Tully served Julia Roberts a coffee sometime in 1997, and no riots broke out – so that proves that Rawdog’s James Franco sighting at the movies doesn’t mean jack shit. Did you guys hear about the rain that is falling and the wind that is blowing in the American north east? People are shitting their pants, I assume because they’ve never been near a tornado that appears out of no where and wipes the fucking earth bare. At least with hurricanes, you get tons of warning and time. If they tell you to evacuate, do that shit. Otherwise, you bust a deal, you face the wheel.
Thy hurled and blacked outeth.
Sounds like Bubba The Cum Sponge’s ex-wife might be the one who released the tape of her and Hulk Hogan slapping skins, or whatever. But I don’t give a shit and suggest that you should not give a shit either. Somebody got zapped by a guard at the Castle of Tom Cruiseland, and still, I do not give a shit. Some chick that Rawdog knows got mistaken for Zooey Deschanel looking to buy a house in Burbank – which according to Rawdog is pure completely not true. And you know what my thoughts are on that? Don’t care and neither should you. Rawdog (dressed as a ninja) went to a Halloween party with a blacked out Cumtard (dressed as a pirate) this weekend. Before that though, they stopped at Rawdog’s place so he could chat it up with his gay roommates hot friend, who happens to be a girl. The real story here is that Rawdog fell asleep at the party (what an animal), wakes up and finds Cumtard drunk as fuck playing tracks on YouTube and dancing with 2 other dudes. The rest of the story was that Rawdog and Cumtard go home, they stop at Rawdog’s so Cumtard can use the bathroom. The big bomb dropped in this story? Cumtard left the door open. What. The. Fuck. And that was shitty story time with Rawdog and Cumtard.
Wuurt, Wuurt, in de Buurt! Time for the Reverse Awards!
2012 Reverse Awards were announced today, with over two thousand responses tabulated, here are your winners!
Smallest Butthole award goes to: Joanna Angel
Best Podcast award goes to: Mad Scientist Party Hour
Smartest Virgin award goes to: Rawdog
Least Punchable Face award goes to: Rihanna
Most Alive Celebrity award goes to: Will Ferrell
Smartest On-Air Comment award goes to: Gabi Richmond
Person With The Least Heads award goes to: Rihanna
Least Rapey Celebrity Father award goes to: Michael Lohan
She’s Still Got It award goes to: Courtney Love
Band Of The Year award goes to: Neutral Milk Hotel
Athlete Of The Year award goes to: Travis Pastrana’s agent
Least Smelly Box award goes to: Linda Hogan
Most Human Looking award goes to: Shaun White
Best Reality Show award goes to: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
Best Actor award goes to: Adam Sandler
Woman Of The Year award goes to: Nick Cannon
Man Of The Year award goes to: Jason “Mayhem” Miller
Now to final calls, mostly about stripper poles. One big dude that called in, he’s large and he spins around on his stripper pole without it falling down – the one thing I really took for this particular call was that he’s the only one who ever uses it. The only one who ever uses it. Let that sink in. Big dude. Only one who ever uses it. That’s sad. There were more calls about what Ellis should get into next, as a physical hobby. We heard all sorts of suggestions, and pretty much all of them were shot down in a blaze of glory by Ellis. Oh, also, we came up with a great Halloween costume idea, but we’re having a hard time finding just the right amount of cottage cheese to wear in our thighs, ass, and arms to really look (pound for pound) like your mother. OH!
Show Re-cap For Friday 10/26/2012
When its friday, and your not giving a fuck, how fast do you drive? Fast enough to fly by some dude, have him chase you down and yell “What’s Up Bitch?” Ellis did, and just stared the dude down until he left, Red Dragons! So he drives a little fast in his new bad ass Thomas Hayden Church approved Porsche, fuck off. Except Tully reminded him, and us all, the point that you may not just kill yourself, but you may kill others. Thanks Tully! We all know Ellis is a professional driver, and Rawdog can’t drive for shit, so I ask you who’s more of a risk? Old people is correct! Fucking old people should take buses every where, like a mobile old folks home. Also, drunks should now have to in their own Drink Drive lane, and if you can handle your booz more than the average Joe, you can get a Black Card Drivers License and bang mad whores! Of course all this is just leading up to the day we start having no traffic lights or stop signs. When that happens, Ellis will never drive his car again and Rawdog’s gonna lock himself in the bathroom with a helmet and never go outside again. Fucking Rawdog may be onto something this time, well with the helmet and when he told us that Canada has 4 nuclear bombs. Thats nice when compared to the US having over 100, and Australia having none mate. Of course, it only takes one to fucking ruin your fucking day, helmet or not!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
In Hollywood News, Justin Timberlake is going to make one of his friends do 100 hours of community service, what a dick. The dude, not JT, is a dick for making some wedding video with some homeless dude in pretty poor taste. You know who else is a dick, the lead singer for Foster the People, and Prince spotted it. While Prince was preforming a small show, the lead man for Foster the People was using his cellphone, and we all know how Prince is with anyone even looking at him let alone snap a picture, so he had security boot the Foster dude out of the show, despite his pleas of innocence. Red Dragons to you Prince! Do you think we could get about 100 EllisFam to show up to a Prince show, and simultaneously all pull out our cell phones and fucking blow his mind? You know what blows Ellis and Katie’s minds? The new LEGEND OF CONAN movie muthafucka’s! This news was so legendary that Ellis has to call Katie to give her the news live on air. Heres the catch, Arnold is also going to pair back up with Danny Devito to remake Twins…..only its Triplets this time, and with Eddie Murphy. Yeah so the new Conan movie should be pretty fucking sick. Sick enough to convince Ellis he’s gotta do steroids, and Rawdog too! Ellis was doubting his chances of landing Arnold on his show, but Cumtard, Tully and Rawdog seemed more optimistic. I mean if Covino and Rich can get him, then Ellis has to have a shot, right?
Thats Jew-elery hunter to you!
So if you like pepsi over coke, your an idiot. And if you drink pepsi with a yellow cap, your a jew. And if I say ‘your a jew’, thats racist, but if I say ‘he’s a jew’ is perfectly cool. Did you follow all that? Tully did, and he’s onto the whole Lord of the Rings being all racist and shit. Smeagol’s kinda like a jew chasing the ring around and all. Gollum is named after “Golem” the jew monster! Sounds to me like Lord of the rings is more jewish that Josh himself, well since he doesn’t even know, let alone celelbrate all the jewish holidays as Ellis found out. Rawdog defended himself by saying theres so fucking many Jewish holidays that its hard to remember them all. Ellis wasn’t buying it, but after a phone call to the jewiest of them all, the illustrious Shuli who comfirmed jews even have a holiday for building a hut, Ellis kinda backed off on Trust Fund Baby. Shuli also told us that technically jewish people aren’t supppose to work or do shit on Fridays. Kinda gives Who Gives a Fuck Fridays a whole knew meaning!
Women need the hoop the be lowered cause they fucking suck at basketball, says the coach of the UConn Huskies. Dudes right, I mean would you at least be more willing to watch the WNBA if chics were just dunking on each other like Shaq? Would you be more willing to watch it if they were all naked and Jackie Chan-ing each other all over the court? I rest my case! Ellis made a case for Shaq Diesel to be a host on America’s Got Talent, and Tully made a better point with reminding us Blue Chips was about Shaq’s only decent movie. Just cause the guy can’t hit a free throw to save his life, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be decent next to Howard Stern. Speaking of TV hosts, Simon Cowell is on the prowl, allegedly banging the shit out of Carmen Electra. Fuck yeah Simon! I mean really, other than banging the shit out of ’em, what are women good for? How about 87 gallons of breast milk, a ride on a manatee, and a snatch to hide your meth pipe….Woman, Am I Right? You know what Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant are good for? Check it out………………….
Arnold wasn’t hitting the roids that hard for the 2nd Conan movie
Some dude called on with serious IBS. Serious enough he was taking morphine to ease the daily pain he experiences. I never knew the shit could get that bad! Either way though, this dude was seriously stoned. Ellis talked to him, and tried to help him see his life in a better way, and go seek rehab. I hope that dude goes! I also hope this other caller goes too, somewhere way far away from his wife since she not only won’t fuck the dude almost 3 years after having a child, but she freaks out on him if he jerks off as well. This pissed Tully off to no end, and caused Ellis to suggest either AshleyMadison.com or taking a shit on her chest and leaving. Ellis even said it wasn’t as bad as this when his first wife was smashing plates over his head. But it’s not all just the ladies not giving it up, some dudes are lame asses too apparently. Not Ellis or Tully of course, and well Rawdog, he’s just an animal. If your one of those dudes, and you need to please your lady, take the advice of Ellis and try some Pool Lube with your lady. If you one of us fans of the show, then you may want to check out the last hour, as Tully revealed some more old clips from around 2007-2008. A bunch of cool shit here to go back and check out, from an Army dude busting a load while shooting at the enemy, to Deegan doing burnouts in the studio, to the 1st ever Dude is it Gay? This was shit from back when Ellis had a myspace account. I used to have a myspace account, in fact thats how I first met your mother and I’ve been fucking her ever since, OH!
Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/25/2012
So its the last time you have to give a fuck this week and all you need to do is go back and listen to todays show. You know its a Fucking Classic by the intro and by Ellis admiting he’s not the smartest man in the world. He was smart enough to con Cumtard into testing Nair hair removal on his ballsac, but we’ll get to that later since Cumtard had to run and buy the shit first, and thats why he isn’t the producer of the show. Anyways, lets get to RawDogs dream of receiving oral from Prometheus, how fucking creepy is that? Not as creepy as Ellis chasing his kids around the house in a wig as their “other mommy” and freaking poor Tiggy and Snookie out. Oh that reminded Tully about some male/female couple he saw this weekend battling over who was the mommy, for real! This got the show started on if its worse to have a weird straight parent, or a weird gay parent? Not that gay is weird, but on top of being weird they are gay. We didn’t find the answer out to that, but we did find out a few big names that have struggled with such a task, like one of the dudes that directed The Matrix and Cloud Atlas, the singer from Against Me, and and of course legendary rocker Dave Mustaine. Whatever the situation is, Tullys cool if his wife wants to be a dude. Eiffel Tower and all man thats his best friend. Its just the potential Barry White voice that comes with the hormones that freaks him out the most.
Hi kids, mommies home!
LTIFOOYMWIFH, which means Laugh Til I Fall Out Of Your Mom While Im Fucking Her….you had to be there! Whoever was their at the studios before the show is into some creepy shit. Tully came across some legal pad with a To-Do list on it that was left behind in the studio. What was on it? Shit like “Buy fuck pinata” and “DVR Boston Legal”, sick right! Well we never found out what a fuck pinata is, and we don’t give a fuck about Boston Anal, but we did get a new sweet website out of the deal (Only if your 18 of course). We did find out that yesterdays trial producer Valerie left behind some perfect audio for pranking your friends. Don’t believe me, just ask Sluggo or Katie, both of whom were put up to the task. Sluggo wasn’t phased one bit, but Katie on the other hand may have been a little flustered by the whole deal. She ended up calling back and scaring Rawdog half to death with a few N-bombs that were all out of love. Speaking of N-bombs I love, Obama was on the Jay Leno show and it was a hoot. He shared tales of driving a Chevy Volt and how he isn’t allowed a cellphone, hilarious shit. Meanwhile Axl Rose was on the Jimmy Kimmel show and he really showed up. Axl has a Halloween tree that he uses to mind fuck other kids in the neighborhood, kinda cool. Check out either of those two videos if you’d like, but you must check out and vote for this years 2012 Reverse Awards. One note on this years awards, Joe Simpson (Nominee for “Least Rapey Celebrity Father”) has filed for divorce after allegedly coming out of the closet to his family, in case that changes your mind in any way. Nothing changes when it comes to how much fibromyalgia sucks, and how difficult it is to spell. Morgellons is another disease that is both hard to spell and fucking sucks, but is it even real? Tully told us something that isn’t real, well over exaggerated at least, Japanese dudes don’t all sniff school girl panties purchased at a near by vending machine. Man that Tully is one polite muther fucker, unlike the 10% of celebrities that tweet or instagram while taking a shit. Celebrities like Queen Latifah, Naughty By Nature, Michael Tully, The Fugees all of whom of from the shitty great state of New Jersey…………and then the “Coolest Man In The World” walked into the studio:
Rawdog, RZA and Jason Ellis – RED DRAGONS!
Fuck yeah thats the RZA! He stopped by to promote his new movie that comes out November 2nd, The Man With The Iron Fists. RZA has been working on his comedy and staying of the pot ninja, oh and this movie since 2006. He’s pumped, Ellis Tully and Rawdog are pumped, the soundtrack is on steroids, get it up ya! Russell Crowe is in the movie, but unfortunately his band didn’t make the cut for the soundtrack. Crowedog had to study the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard for his role in the movie which is odd and intriguing. Enough about the movie, whats good with the RZA? He’s been laying off the weed like I said, especially the Cali shit. Not when he’s with Snoop Lion though, you never turn down a doobie from the Dog Father! Apparently Method Man hasn’t turned down a doobie, blunt, or even a seed since who knows when, Tical! Did you know Ellis met RZA back in the day in Australia? Yeah, RZA didn’t either, but Ellis said he was a cool dude back then, and still is. The RZA called Rawdog a “Scientist” and made his fucking week! I personally suggest going back and listening to this interview if you get a chance.
Don’t look too long or you’ll catch a ‘contact fag’
Oh yeah, Cumtard! He finally got back with the Nair, the regular shit and the shit specifically for men. But since Ellis didn’t want to catch contact fag, Cumtard had to cut a whole in a box for his balls to poke through. So after a heated battle of shit fucking with Jizz Cult, Cumtard was ready and the “Smartest Box In The World” was born….and it was downhill from there. Cumtard applied some regular nair to one nut, and the for men shit to the other and let it sit for a while. It took a little bit of time, and only a little bit of pain, for Cumtard to tell us the ‘for men’ is a little lighter of the ball sting. Thats some good shit to know. So is the fact this former NY cop is off the streets, after being arrested for plotting to kidnap, rape, murder, and eat women. This reminded Ellis n Tully it was ok for one to eat the other in a pinch to survive, and Rawdog couldn’t do shit about it really. Rawdog probably couldn’t do shit with a wild turkey if he had to catch one either, but this didn’t stop Ellis from wondering how sweet it would look on Ellis Mania if he tried. You could say it may have a chance to be the best video of all time huh? Well good luck beating the current #1 video on EllisMania.com, “Oh Fuck Red Dragons!”. Speaking of which, Im off to get your mom to scream the same thing right now!