2014

Posted on January 17, 2014 by Az_RedDragon

Why hello, I didn’t see you over there. Why don’t you pull up a chair and have a seat, I was just thinking about today’s Jason Ellis Show. Oh you missed it? Well let me tell you about it. The boys are broadcasting today from a magical place called Las Vegas during the ass ass titty titty ass titty ass festival otherwise known as the AVN Awards. To be more specific they are at The Hard Rock Hotel set up right in front of The Joint. Ellis forgot to bring his sleeping pills so he feels like a bag of microwaved dicks. None the less, the show must go on, and it did. The beginning of the show was mainly Ellis and Tully talking about the dick suckers, chronic masturbators, and pussy slayers that they see walking around. The first guest was Beatrice. She’s a nurse. She made out with Jason even though he has a cold, a bit irresponsible for a nurse in my opinion. Something else that Tully saw was two old lady’s selling something called the Magic Ball. It’s a bouncy ball that also has a dick on it. That way you can bounce and have things stuffed inside you. Fun times.
After the break the guys were joined by Little Stella Marie. She is a little person, a really little person, she’s a midget. And she’s, surprise surprise, a porn star. What we learned today is that she has a great sense of humor and a shallow vagina so she can only be half shafted. The next guest was the critically acclaimed porn actor Doug Benson. Okay I lied, he’s not critically acclaimed but he is on the show finally. Doug is no stranger to Wankfest and has been going for several years. They talked about porn stars, sober month, weed, Leonardo Dicaprio, and fucking fat chicks. The official porn star of The Jason Ellis Show, Joanna Angel, made her way to the coolest table of cool kids in the entire place to say hi and brag about how she turned her rockstar boyfriend into a porn star boyfriend. And we learned that he has small hands and a big dick, Joanna’s boyfriend, not Doug Benson, he has little hands and a little dick. He’s consistent. Speaking of small penis’s, Asphyxia stopped by too! But she just fell down and never said anything. It’s that kind is excitement you can expect here folks! Another thing you can expect is Asian girls with tiny vagina holes and stretchy buttholes.

Women, am I right!?! They’re talking about porn girls again. A woman in England is suing her divorce lawyer because he didn’t tell her she would no longer be married. Now they’re talking to a porn star again. And now they’re talking with Nicky Benz, you guessed it, a porn star. Starting to see a pattern yet? Here’s a new pattern, YouTube videos. Enjoy.

We came back with a new game called Who Gives A Shit About Porn Stars! And the answer is nobody. Much like Hollywood News, I am now refusing to write about them. So here’s a video.

Yup, still talking about porn, here ya go.

Back from and for a nice change of pace Tully admitted that this entire time he’s been farted on at least five different times today. Ellis told Doug how much he loves Katie and how therapy keeps him from killing everyone. Then they talked to a porn chick, Elizabeth Starr, who’s boobs are continuously growing and will probably kill her, and more walking dick warmers. Here’s another video.

This has been more than enough stories of dick sucking, anal, double and triple penetration, BD/SM, orgies, facials, gaping vagina holes, scat play, dildos, STDs, and masturbation for me, but it’s always nice visiting yer mum, OH!

Also check out Doug Benson’s new YouTube show at 4:15 pacific on Wednesdays at https://www.youtube.com/DougBenson.

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Posted on December 5, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Back again. It’s okay if you’re sick of me after this, cause I won’t be back until next week ;)

If you missed the show today that means you missed your opportunity to feed your Ellis Show obsession. If your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty, and you’re feeling itchy all over- you have come to the right place. A re-cap is almost as good as the real thing (I hope) so please feel free to feed your obsession here and be held over until the show replays in the morning. Shit. Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM where it’s not terrestrial radio and therefore the show can be opened by saying shit and talking about bald pussy. Your pussy falls out when you’re 80. Box, box, box, box (read: pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy). Tully wonders if there was a way that someone could listen to the show and tally up all of the things that they would never be able to get away with on terrestrial radio, but Ellis says that they are way too understaffed for anyone to be able to do that. However, Wilson knows the guy who played the bleep button while Howard Stern was on terrestrial so maybe he could do it. They talk a bit about how it must have been such a shit high pressure job to be the person bleeping Stern out all of the time because he had Stern to answer to as well as lawyers to answer to for why he chose to bleep or not to bleep (as that is the terrestrial radio question). Ellis comments that Will kind of has that shit job in satellite radio form, but Will vehemently denies this. Just kidding. Of course he does.

It’s a good thing that Ellis isn’t out of it today, even though he woke up super early, because Tully proclaims that he is not on top of his game but he will be giving it the old college try. Why is Tully out of it? No it isn’t one of his bouts of insomnia, he actually slept through the night…however while sleeping he dreamed a dream where he was so tired but so busy with shit that he never got the chance to sleep. Channing Tatum made a cameo, cause why not, and Tully was talking to him about Dream Tatum’s pending fatherhood, then he had one other person to talk to, then he had to get out of there and do some other errand, and then he’d be able to sleep. But by the time he looked at the clock in his dream it was 5 AM and he had to be up. So, he slept through the night dreaming that he was tired and deprived of a full night’s sleep. I can see how that mindfuck’s one into being a little off the next day. He may still be in the dream. This may be a part of the dream. Because, yeah, I’m sure that Tully’s dreams include me typing out a recap at 10:30 at night.

But, wait, why was Ellis up extra early this morning? Well, he had a meeting at Devin’s school this morning with the Mummy, principle, teacher, therapist, and a couple of other people about how Devin is doing and talking about her future. So Daddy Ellis had to get the kiddies up early and get everyone where they needed to be so he could be at the meeting at school (which he doesn’t like going to, because no one likes going back to school). The meeting went well and left Ellis feeling good about things because his daughter is beautiful, smart, and talented and even though she has some trouble focusing on things, she can get back on track and her future will be sweet. At some point the Mummy tells Ellis that she can tell that Ellis is doing really well because of his therapy, which is such a great thing of her to say, and Tully chimes in his agreement. Because Ellis is awesome and all that hard work is paying off. More kiddie related stuff occurred involving Ellis laying down the law to his backseat mini-me’s, telling them that they would get 2 warnings when misbehaving and then the third time he had to say anything they would deal with the pre-set consequences. It was tested out when they were stuck in traffic for 2 hours and it worked, when Ellis told them the 2nd time to stop fighting he reminded them that one more time means bye bye Devin’s dollies and Tiggie’s skateboards for the whole weekend, so the rest of the ride was spent talking and playing games. This made Ellis happy because he was dreading taking things away from his kids, because he wants them to have fun and be happy and he was afraid of his resolve and ability to not fold when being buttered up by a pair of butter-up experts.

Ellis has reached the end of his 30 day self imposed sobriety and he is feeling really good about it. No, he did not spark up last night because he fell asleep on the couch and had his forehead licked by a bald pussy (ha), but maybe after he beats up Mike Jasper after the show he’ll go home and party a bit. Ellis says that he highly recommends going sober for 30 days if you’re really getting the inkling that maybe you are indulging too much (on whatever you choose to indulge in) because it’s hard to give something up and if you don’t buckle then you feel good accomplishing something without lying to yourself about it.

That somehow segued into Ellis telling everyone that he was attacked on twitter by a fat lady, presumably after his latest Dr. Drew HLN appearance repeated on TV, for his comment about fat people being scientifically proven to be more stupid than fit people. He could have made jokes at the lady, but he didn’t, because she would have taken him seriously and he isn’t that guy and he doesn’t wanna be mean (even if only joking) to someone that is going to take it to heart. He sort of regrets making the comment in the first place because he doesn’t want to be taken the wrong way and he doesn’t want to be mean to people, he just wants people to feel good and take care of themselves. Another twitter attack came from some random guy who somehow came across the infamous video of him being piss charged (I stole that from Adam who didn’t die, because it made me laugh) on Ellismania.com and called him out to Joe Rogan and Huffington Post for ‘bashing’ someone who was mentally disabled for being homophobic. We all know that that isn’t the case and isn’t the motive behind how Ellis reacted, he was just reacting to a, literally, insane situation and he was prepared to defend himself if need be. He wasn’t bashing the woman for the fun of it, he was asking not to be dissed and threatened and told the lady that if she came at him he would not hesitate to defend himself. Case closed. The only reason it wound up on video is because he always has his camera on him for Ellismania.com purposes, and after walking away he told the restaurant that she was next to that the authorities should be called and she needed to be admitted to a hospital. The tweet from the random guy did open Ellis’ eyes to the fact that most homeless people out there aren’t just drug addicts who couldn’t keep their addictions from ruining their lives, but that they have mental disorders which keep them from being able to function in society. It’s the sad truth that many homeless suffer from mental conditions and they aren’t getting any help, and Tully talks about how the only answer is for there to be more institutions to be built to help and home these people. Treatment for all- those who can be treated successfully get released and can become functioning members of society, and those that can’t need to be taken care of until they day. However, the government doesn’t seem to want to take these steps.

A caller named John calls the show to tell Ellis that he shouldn’t feel any regret over how he handled the situation as John has Manic Bipolar Disorder and has been in the situation where he was the crazy person and he is thankful for the people who were there to get him the help that he needed, even if it meant being hospitalized until he was stable again. John further went on to explain that Ellis is completely right about saying that fat people are, on average, not as smart as more fit people, so he shouldn’t feel bad about saying that either. He did offer the advice that maybe he should rephrase himself so it would be more clear that it’s not that fat people are stupid, it’s that because of their increased body mass, they aren’t getting the optimal amount of blood flow to their brains (since it’s busy oxygenating the rest of their body) and they have 15% less brainpower popping off as opposed to a person at their normal body weight. Good call, thanks John!!! Tully brings up that he found an article that talked about a study where a group of young people were given IQ tests and as they got older those with lower IQ’s are more likely to be obese as they grow up and those with higher IQ’s tend to be more fit. So the question still remains: does being fat make you stupid, or does being stupid make you fat? And it’s not to say that thin people are all geniuses and fat people are all morons- it’s about the averages. Tully brings up that Mayor Ford up in Canada may be an amazing level of reckless but he had to have been smarter than the average bear to get there in the first place, and Chris Christie (NJ Governer) is a front runner for the next presidential race. Ellis doesn’t think that America is going to have a fat president because appearing presidential doesn’t include being fat, and Tully points out that the last seriously overweight president was William Taft about a hundred years ago. Because, you know, it’s all about looking presidential…it’s not about the issues or anything crazy like that.

Coming back from the break Ellis and Tully want to talk about McDonald’s and the fast food workers purported strike and protests which were supposed to occur today (although I don’t know if any actually did) and this is an issue that they talked about a couple of months ago when the word started getting around that the minimum wage workers at McDonald’s wanted more money because 7 bucks an hour is not a livable wage no matter where you are in America. It was a super long segment and I’m gonna do my best to sum it up quickly because it was a lot of repeating of what was said the last time all of this was discussed. SO. No one on the show is an economist (and I’m not sure how many listeners are either) so they aren’t trying to have the answers. All they are doing is agreeing is that there is a problem. People who are working full time in menial jobs (not just fast food workers, but anyone who works full time hours and can’t make ends meet) deserve to make a wage that pays the bills and puts food on the table and in many jobs this is just not the case. There must be something that can be done on a corporate level to change this. The working middle class and the poor are facing a gap that’s larger than ever between them and the super rich (who just keep getting richer) and something has to be changed. There were a lot of callers who threw in their two cents and a lot of people were tweeting their opinions (shout out to @bitpimps and @mike_in_canada who didn’t have their noses up Tully and Ellis buttcrack for once…lmao) because it’s an issue that everybody feels passionately about. Ellis wants everyone to basically boycott fast food like McDonald’s and Chik Fil A since they are shit for you health wise and because they shit on the people who work for them. They both want people to be able to live. Fast food is a cog in the machine, they sort of need to be there, but there has to be a way to make it all work. The end. That’s all i’m saying here (even though I will say I do feel a blog coming on for Filterlessness).

Now, for some Cock News. Cialis is the shit! Apparently, you only need a half of one unless your junk is totally broken. Take a half of one of those puppies for a special occasion, go into bat-mode, and get your freak on. Back in 1983 there was a Urologist at a good old fashioned Urology convention who decided to do a presentation about the future of treatments for erectile dysfunction- that one day people would be able to take a pill and get hard. He then proceeded to share his discovery of a current treatment for erectile dysfunction which includes injecting a muscle relaxant directly into the penis making you hard for hours. He performed it on himself before beginning the lecture and stepped out from behind the podium, dropped his pants, and then urged members of the audience to experience the effectiveness by touching it. Women screamed and presumably ran from the building crying and scratching their eyeballs out because it was 1983. Finally…someone came across an article regarding how individual US States measure up…so to speak…and tweeted it to Tully which he gracefully stole and claimed as his own. Yeah, it was me. You’re welcome, Tully. The biggest dicks in the country belong to the men in the great state of North Dakota and the smallest peckers are hanging out in Mississippi…if you wanna know where your state lies click on the link.

In the spirit of charity, Ellis and Tully came up with a way to make some money for a charitable donation….TJES calendars!!! The calendars will feature members of the staff as well as friends from the show and all proceeds (not any of the Kim Kardashian percentage bullshit) will be donated to a charitable organization that wants their money. The calendar will feature Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Wilson, Katie, and (so long as they consent) Dingo, Jude, Johanna, Butterballs, Cumtard, and Christian in various scenarios including Wilson in a vat of beans with a confederate flag lanyard, Christian as Mr. Clean, Dingo as Princess Leia (complete with the buns), and Jetta in a bikini washing his Jetta. So many callers offered up wonderful ideas, and there was much protesting from Wilson about being in his vat of beans, even though it was he who suggested it in the first place.

Mike Jasper is in the studio (although at first he couldn’t get in) and they come back from the break talking about how people in Manhattan Beach are harassing Great White Sharks. Yes, you read that correctly, PEOPLE are going into the water to bully the SHARKS. Ellis is all for it, because then maybe the sharks will tell each other to lay off eating humans for a bit, and Tully is now convinced that when he was at a beach one town over that he did, in fact, see a shark. In other, much more sad news, a 9 year old boy in Compton was shot and killed in a drive-by, which sucks balls. Why is it always that innocent victims seem to be the victims instead of the targets when these guys are supposed to be gangster? Probably because they are asshole pussies who do it from far away.

Wrapping up the show Tully brings up that they are thinking about doing a new segment which involves them watching ridiculous television shows and then letting us know what they think of them, so they asked for listeners to tweet some suggestions for shows to watch, and then they were going to move on to the next segment. But they never got to the next segment as the phones began lighting up with suggestions from listeners who weren’t listening. But the guys didn’t mind and Tully compiled a list of shows for them to watch, and they decided to start with watching Turtle Man, which is a show about a backwoods man who does animal control with his bare hands and two teeth- suffering all the bites and spit along the way. Time for final calls? Yes, but no, because Adam is on the line waiting to not die and Ellis doesn’t wanna talk to anyone else because everyone really enjoyed the job that Adam did yesterday, and he did a fine job as well today.

Things we learned on the show today:

Porto’s is going to bring Ellis free pastries

Don’t dwell on your issues- do something about them

The 10s are pitting the 2s and 3s against the 1s

Ellis didn’t get the mummified 2 headed rabbit off Etsy :(

The Used gave a shout-out to DDD on twitter

A skinny neck means you probably have a skinny dick

Ellis was going to be a gigolo until Tony Hawk got him a job in radio

The Crocodile Hunter probably should have died wayyyyy before he died

Ellis is NOT GETTING FUCKING SICK

Coppertone has the most wide spread pedophillic ad of all time

Ellis goes around curing Koala’s of herpes

Friday night fights will be on Friday nights

Ellis will be on HLN with Dr. Drew again next Thursday

Don’t try to steal painkillers from 75 year old cancer patients

You can bid to hang out with Ellis for charity on charitybuzz.com and for a chance to prove you’re as cool as Betsey

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 11/21/2013

Posted on November 21, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Check out my Instagram!

Welcome to another fun-filled Thursday from Crüe Town, but not actually. Ellis swears he feels cancer in his face and he’s threatening that face cancer with a doctor’s scalpel. He’ll have that shit cut out, a sweet face scar, and gold teef. Then he’ll be fresh to death and chillin like Gucci Mane (pronounced Mang) but way better and without an ice cream cone tattooed on his face. People are still catching flack over their Ugg boots, which are made out of the skin from a sheep’s asshole. In an odd reverse anti-Ugg boot debate, Twitch’s wife posted something on Instagram about Ugg sheep and some Ugg boot supporter reported her for it. God bless the Internet trolls with severe trolliosis. Cows, sheep, pigs, chickens, they’re all getting treated brutally – but god damn are they really useful and tasty. Some clothes made out of animals are more acceptable than others, such as gator skin underwear. That shit is sooo sexy. There’s some YouTuber’s making $1.4 million dollars (and more) a year just posting videos on YouTube. Ellis saw some chick that just makes videos of herself in room or whatever and she’s banking it, so now the question becomes, how the fuck can we get in on that shit and start making the kind of money where a point (.) doesn’t go before the cents part. The guys kicked around a few ideas on what they could film and post to YouTube to start making some bank, but the whole relationship between Ellis and Rawdog is what would work, but Rawdog doesn’t want to do anything that makes him the target of ridicule or anything that may be poking fun at him. That didn’t stop callers and fans coming up with some ideas the guys could potentially use on their quest for YouTube fame. In the end, it’ll probably never happen because Ellis wants it to be more like a scene from Silence of The Lambs where Rawdog is trapped in a well and Ellis screams at him to put lotion on his skin. Meanwhile, Rawdog wants it to be more like an episode of Laverne & Shirley.

Ellis talking to Rawdog

Some dude in Japan four backpacks and being the civil Japanese citizen he is, he turned that shit in and it was packed with $48 million dollars worth of cocaine. Tully desperately wants to go to Ricky Carmichael moto school (RCU), and Jason can only think about geography because it sounds cold where RCU is. But all Josh is worried about is if Ricky Carmichael is there. At his own school. Where he teaches people. At Ricky Carmichael University.

Ellis & Tully looking at Rawdog for not paying attention.

Ellis continued his geography lesson and did better than one might tend to think, but he also had a few hiccups where everything was Sacramento or Michigan. Apparently Snook was in full on normal kid mode today, she didn’t want to wear leggings because they’re itchy. Ellis was trying to reason with her, but she wasn’t having any of it, so he did what all us dad’s do. We tattle to mommy and let mommy play the bad guy. Except mommy never is the bad guy on anyone else’s part except her own, so just what would happen in my house, happened in Ellis’ house. The kid got what she wanted, because it’s just easier that way. This brought on a discussion about kids drinking coffee at really young ages and how crazy that is. I couldn’t imagine waking my daughter up for school, she’s tired, and I put out a few lines of cocaine next to her cereal bowl for the little pick-me-up she needs to start her day. Going back to pants for a minute, a caller named John cannot wear pants unless he absolutely has to and has freed himself of the tyranny of pants, and I say unto him, good on you sir! Keep fighting the good fight.

Rawdog loves pants. I mean he really, really loves pants.

Oxycotton John called up after the previous John, he’s going to get a new liver! The hospital called and said come on down, trade in your old liver and walk away with a new one! So shout out to him, we all hope you have a successful surgery and a speedy recovery, homeboy! Tully has never watched The Ultimate Fighter series, but he did last night and it completely sucked! Just kidding. Tully didn’t watch it, but not joking – it did completely suck because there were no fights, just more crying. Some people are backpedaling now about the GSP / Hendricks fight, now saying that GSP won due to the number of strikes, even though GSP’s face and Dana White totally disagree.

Celebrities can’t manage their finances. Boo hoo.

Aaron Carter just declared bankruptcy. Who is Aaron Carter you say? And I’ll tell you, don’t worry your pretty little head about it, trust me. You’re better off not knowing who he is. But real talk for a second. People be filing for bankruptcy like it’s going out style, am I right? You know I am. Wilson is out sick today, but since he never stops working, he sent in a story about an FCC proposal to allow cellphone usage during flights. Jetta came up with a game called “Guess the fetish” for the guys to play, oh and we learned that he’s a basketball stud. Maybe. We don’t know that for sure. It’s a little premature to assume he’s a basketball stud. Okay, just know he played basketball once. Anyway, Jetta went through the Internet searching for some fetishes and will quiz the guys to see if they can tell what the fetish is based on the scientific name. As you can imagine, there were a lot of fucked up “philias” and “isms” and I don’t have time to look all them up, but that can be a game you play yourself, go look them up and then try to masturbate to completion to any of them. If you finish, that might be your fetish.

There’s a new world’s tallest water slide being built and I think it’s supposed to be wedgie free. Ellis has a friend (possibly Moses Itkonen) in the studio who refuses to speak, and he’s not friends with Rawdog, you, me, or the Pope, just Ellis – so there. The show was looking for calls from police officers, but only for about 10 seconds. After that, Shoebox came in not bearing any gifts, but he promises he will bring them in tomorrow. What gifts? Hard copies of the new Death! Death! Die! album. So he got a bit of an ass chewing for being a big fat liar, liar, pants on fire – caught it on a telephone wire. Cats leave shit crystals all over the place, they’re pretty nasty. We ended up hearing from cops about cops that fuck citizens, fuck Crips, fuck other cops, and generally just fuck and stuff. Then more Uggs versus Peta versus sheep versus minx versus cows talk. Sounds like Joanna Angel wants to book D!D!D! to play at an after party after the AVN awards and Tully can go as long as he wears his chastity belt. Best. Gig. Ever. And that pretty wraps up this recap, the only thing left to do is leave you some words of wisdom – so I’ll quote my wife: “Quit being such a lazyass and do something!”

I drew you a picture!

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

Posted on November 7, 2013 by jenni_mazky

I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds. A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

Show Re-cap for Friday 3/29/2013

Posted on March 29, 2013 by Az_RedDragon

You can get energy from nature, not solar, wind, fossil fuel, or killer tree energy but happy grass on your feet energy. As you know its Easter weekend and nothing says family and friends like talking about crucifixions. Nobody crucifies any more, not even those crazy terrorist fucks. Probably because it’s such a brutal and slow way to die, most died of suffocation and exposure and tetanus from rusty unsteralized nails. Pendarvis is going to bring in some ghost hunters to try to convince Big Daddy Jase Cakes that ghosts are real by showing him their “best evidence.” This will be rather entertaining as Jason will most likely tell them that they are all fucktarded and might even make one of them cry. But with this topic the guys did think of a new show, a ghost hunting show but at the end after they don’t find shit, they just scare the shit out of Rawdog. But no matter how full of shit the ghost hunters are, Chris Angel is more full of shit than them all. Tully wants to learn the secrets of fortune tellers and psychics, mainly just to fuck with people. In Crystal Meth News, a 60 year old man was arrested for the distribution of meth for the 6th time and planned on using the money to open a sex shop, and did I mention that he’s a Catholic Pastor? Easter is Sunday, and EVERYTHING cool stops so people can get dressed up go to church and find colored eggs. Then they talked about Disneyland and how it’s a cool place except for the kids, and the lines, and the expense, and the characters that always try to molest you. But other than that it’s a lot of fun.

In Hollywood News, Lil Wayne is having seizures because he has epilepsy, not drug abuse wink wink nudge nudge. There was a huge party at Biebers house thrown by Little Twist, Justin’s friend that wrecked his Lambo. Lindsay Lohan took a ton of shit from wardrobe after guest appearing on Anger Management but claimed that she had a deal worked out with producers, bullshit. Cysco did the thong song in a sports bar, I would provide the link but be honest, nobody gives a shit. More Lohan news, she tried to avoid being photographed in Brazil by hiding under a table during some promotion job. In MMA News, the Diez camp is filing a complaint over the GSP fight claiming that the weigh ins weren’t correct and there was improper and suspicions drug screen issues.

Joanna Angel came into the studio today to play a sex question game. With every wrong answer, Ellis delivers pain, and Josh delivers insults. Well, he’s trying to insult. Asphixia was supposed to be here as well but she didn’t show so the master of pain, Dom sat in. It was a rather hilarious game with answers such as, giraffes, 50 calories, seventeen hundred loads, and to look like a vagina. Then there was an Easter vs Passover duel of stupidity. Tully and Rawdog, with help of super hot Jew, Joanna, looked up facts about the holidays and tried to claim which one was the dumbest. After hermaphrodite rabbits, raining frogs, burning bushes, and peeps, it was concluded that Easter was better because horseradish sandwiches are just fucking gross.

Here are todays results of the Greatest Riff contest:

More Than A Feeling
Back In Black – Winner

Welcome To The Jungle
Highway To Hell – Winner

Back In Black – Winner
Highway To Hell

Walk This Way – Winner
Hells Bells

Life In The Fast Lane – Winner
Paradise City

Walk This Way – Winner
Life In The Fast Lane

Back In Black – Winner
Walk This Way

Final calls were lame as usual. A few people trying to vote on the greatest riff 30 minutes after it ended, the usual penis compliments, a few lame ass jokes, same ol shit. I hope you all have a happy Easter. My favorite memory of Easter was when all the eggs had been found except one. Everyone looked and looked but we couldn’t find it, we gave up figuring that the dog might have ate it or something. Well, a few weeks later yer mum came by again and had a most unusual stench. She said it started a couple days after Easter and she doesn’t know why. Well guess what, I found the last Easter Egg deep in yer mums basket, OH!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Joanna Angel

Show Recap for Friday 1/17/2014

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 11/21/2013

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

Show Re-cap for Friday 3/29/2013