Welcome to another fun-filled Thursday from Crüe Town, but not actually. Ellis swears he feels cancer in his face and he’s threatening that face cancer with a doctor’s scalpel. He’ll have that shit cut out, a sweet face scar, and gold teef. Then he’ll be fresh to death and chillin like Gucci Mane (pronounced Mang) but way better and without an ice cream cone tattooed on his face. People are still catching flack over their Ugg boots, which are made out of the skin from a sheep’s asshole. In an odd reverse anti-Ugg boot debate, Twitch’s wife posted something on Instagram about Ugg sheep and some Ugg boot supporter reported her for it. God bless the Internet trolls with severe trolliosis. Cows, sheep, pigs, chickens, they’re all getting treated brutally – but god damn are they really useful and tasty. Some clothes made out of animals are more acceptable than others, such as gator skin underwear. That shit is sooo sexy. There’s some YouTuber’s making $1.4 million dollars (and more) a year just posting videos on YouTube. Ellis saw some chick that just makes videos of herself in room or whatever and she’s banking it, so now the question becomes, how the fuck can we get in on that shit and start making the kind of money where a point (.) doesn’t go before the cents part. The guys kicked around a few ideas on what they could film and post to YouTube to start making some bank, but the whole relationship between Ellis and Rawdog is what would work, but Rawdog doesn’t want to do anything that makes him the target of ridicule or anything that may be poking fun at him. That didn’t stop callers and fans coming up with some ideas the guys could potentially use on their quest for YouTube fame. In the end, it’ll probably never happen because Ellis wants it to be more like a scene from Silence of The Lambs where Rawdog is trapped in a well and Ellis screams at him to put lotion on his skin. Meanwhile, Rawdog wants it to be more like an episode of Laverne & Shirley.
Some dude in Japan four backpacks and being the civil Japanese citizen he is, he turned that shit in and it was packed with $48 million dollars worth of cocaine. Tully desperately wants to go to Ricky Carmichael moto school (RCU), and Jason can only think about geography because it sounds cold where RCU is. But all Josh is worried about is if Ricky Carmichael is there. At his own school. Where he teaches people. At Ricky Carmichael University.
Ellis continued his geography lesson and did better than one might tend to think, but he also had a few hiccups where everything was Sacramento or Michigan. Apparently Snook was in full on normal kid mode today, she didn’t want to wear leggings because they’re itchy. Ellis was trying to reason with her, but she wasn’t having any of it, so he did what all us dad’s do. We tattle to mommy and let mommy play the bad guy. Except mommy never is the bad guy on anyone else’s part except her own, so just what would happen in my house, happened in Ellis’ house. The kid got what she wanted, because it’s just easier that way. This brought on a discussion about kids drinking coffee at really young ages and how crazy that is. I couldn’t imagine waking my daughter up for school, she’s tired, and I put out a few lines of cocaine next to her cereal bowl for the little pick-me-up she needs to start her day. Going back to pants for a minute, a caller named John cannot wear pants unless he absolutely has to and has freed himself of the tyranny of pants, and I say unto him, good on you sir! Keep fighting the good fight.
Oxycotton John called up after the previous John, he’s going to get a new liver! The hospital called and said come on down, trade in your old liver and walk away with a new one! So shout out to him, we all hope you have a successful surgery and a speedy recovery, homeboy! Tully has never watched The Ultimate Fighter series, but he did last night and it completely sucked! Just kidding. Tully didn’t watch it, but not joking – it did completely suck because there were no fights, just more crying. Some people are backpedaling now about the GSP / Hendricks fight, now saying that GSP won due to the number of strikes, even though GSP’s face and Dana White totally disagree.
Aaron Carter just declared bankruptcy. Who is Aaron Carter you say? And I’ll tell you, don’t worry your pretty little head about it, trust me. You’re better off not knowing who he is. But real talk for a second. People be filing for bankruptcy like it’s going out style, am I right? You know I am. Wilson is out sick today, but since he never stops working, he sent in a story about an FCC proposal to allow cellphone usage during flights. Jetta came up with a game called “Guess the fetish” for the guys to play, oh and we learned that he’s a basketball stud. Maybe. We don’t know that for sure. It’s a little premature to assume he’s a basketball stud. Okay, just know he played basketball once. Anyway, Jetta went through the Internet searching for some fetishes and will quiz the guys to see if they can tell what the fetish is based on the scientific name. As you can imagine, there were a lot of fucked up “philias” and “isms” and I don’t have time to look all them up, but that can be a game you play yourself, go look them up and then try to masturbate to completion to any of them. If you finish, that might be your fetish.
There’s a new world’s tallest water slide being built and I think it’s supposed to be wedgie free. Ellis has a friend (possibly Moses Itkonen) in the studio who refuses to speak, and he’s not friends with Rawdog, you, me, or the Pope, just Ellis – so there. The show was looking for calls from police officers, but only for about 10 seconds. After that, Shoebox came in not bearing any gifts, but he promises he will bring them in tomorrow. What gifts? Hard copies of the new Death! Death! Die! album. So he got a bit of an ass chewing for being a big fat liar, liar, pants on fire – caught it on a telephone wire. Cats leave shit crystals all over the place, they’re pretty nasty. We ended up hearing from cops about cops that fuck citizens, fuck Crips, fuck other cops, and generally just fuck and stuff. Then more Uggs versus Peta versus sheep versus minx versus cows talk. Sounds like Joanna Angel wants to book D!D!D! to play at an after party after the AVN awards and Tully can go as long as he wears his chastity belt. Best. Gig. Ever. And that pretty wraps up this recap, the only thing left to do is leave you some words of wisdom – so I’ll quote my wife: “Quit being such a lazyass and do something!”