Oxy John, The Complete Story (History)

Posted on November 28, 2012 by CobraTits

Posted on November 27, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Remember the first time you saw Cumtard? Of course you do.

It’s Tuesday and nobody really knows anyone until you see them flip the fuck out. Example: Tully punched a bed once. Actually, that’s slightly misleading as Tully confirmed he’s the kind of guy that would plot your death if he were mad enough. Rawdog cried when he broke up with his chick. But hey, Usher and Justin Timberlake have cried before too, so don’t be a mother motherfucker. Speaking of Ursher (as Ludacris likes to call him) he’s a shitty singer but a good dancer, at least that’s what we hear. But can Ursher dance if his goddamned life is on the line? Probably not, he’s gonna die. There might be a dance off between the guys, the gauntlet seems to have been thrown down so we’ll have to see what kind of thuggery comes from this. Ellis thinks he may have damaged his secondary dick vein, not the main vein, we’re talking about the taggling dummy on the right side. Let’s hope this doesn’t have an adverse effect on his dance moves, should the dance off take place. It’s been suggested that Cumtard, the reverse fag-hag, could sell his own greatest hits album full of farts, vomits, and shits – for the low, low, price of $1.99! But the real question is, can dude dance his ass off? According to Cumtard, the majority of girls at a metal show are swampy, fat, beach ball chicks, which sounds a lot like a Juggalette.

Hell to the yeah they are baby, and that’s why we love you failed Hollywood starlets.

I don’t know if Satan just visited the phone lines or what the fuck went on, but callers were totally out of their shit shellacked gashes just before first break today. Hollywood news time, that crazy kid from Two and a Half Men? He’s still insane, and the guy in his whack job video that sat next to him? He had a pistol jammed in that kid’s ribs the entire time. Actually, that’s probably not true, but it would’ve made for a way better story. Remember Anna Nicole Smith? Her 6-year-old daughter wants to be a Guess model. No word on if she’s preparing by doing bumps of Fun Dip. Brad Pitt is filming a new movie, so your wives, girlfriends, what have you can diddle their axe gashes to that. He dumped $1,100 dollars into a charity bucket on a whim, he also dropped a load in several hot bitches’ buckets – allegedly. Halle Berry, Matthew McConaughey, and Jared Leto – what do they all have in common? Gout. That’s not true either, Leto had gout, Berry had bad relationships, and McConaughey had his run, so lets move on. R. Kelly is illiterate and pees on underage girls – Red Dragons, and Dolly Parton entered a drag competition and lost to others who were dressed as her – ouch.

Never doubt yourself, if these shitheads can make an album, you can do something too! I don’t know about defying gravity like this dude, but still.

You ever surfed on a red wave? And I don’t mean “have you ever eaten a chicks gash while she was on her period” kind of red wave, I mean a real, salt water, ocean – that’s red though. Me neither. But you know what we’ve all done? NMT. Alicia Keys was up first with Nicki Minaj and that bitch will give you gash rash. Next up was someone whose name sounded like “nostrils” so I was expecting something completely different. 50 Cent was up next, I don’t know how the fuck Adam Levine worked his skinny gash into the mix, but I don’t think it ups his street cred at all. Roc Marciano was up next, he used to part of Flipmode Squad and I’m guessing he wishes he still was, because the track we heard sucked a red wave. Yes, that kind. I don’t remember the rest, there was some jazz and jazzcult, but no jizzcult. More gash news, some dude was married to this chick for 20 years, turns out that chick he was married to was born a man. BA-ZING! You just got gashed, son!

Fuck it, I’m outta here. This re-cap is complete.

Final calls, let’s see if they’re anywhere near as fucktarded as today’s earlier calls. I walked in on the last part of Rawdog doing some freestyle rap – unfortunately, I have no idea what that was about. Some dude called about his snooping ass girlfriend getting mad at him for watching porn and I think I heard something about her never masturbating before – which has to be pure bullshit. Quick question. Would you lose respect for Rob Dyrdek if you caught him masturbating eight guys in his backyard? Well, this is the type of shit you need to start thinking about! Back to final calls. People still just don’t get it. People keep completely dropping the ball here. I’m going to give you a helpful tip, honestly. If you get through and the music starts playing at the end of the show – take advantage of the shit by SPEAKING, FARTING, SINGING, ANYTHING! Seriously, it doesn’t matter, the airwaves are yours! Alright, now that we have PSA out of the way, let’s talk about that massive bump on your mother’s forehead and how it got there. When she was little, people used to hang her from a clothesline and spin her until she puked. That’s not what did it though. Turns out, stopping her from spinning by using a shovel is what gave her the bump and the mental capacity of a 7-year-old. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/26/2012

Posted on November 26, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Santa may be a little creepy, but is he pure evil?

It’s Monday again, some of us are still waking from our turkey comas and still cleaning out the butt gravy from our gashes. The fucking voice machine was all shitted up at the start of the show, but Ellis the fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician called in his trusty co-fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician, Pendarvis, to help get things straightened out. Everyone’s been around family over the holiday, so everyone’s stressed to the fucking maximum. Get this shit, Rawdog rode an ATV over the holiday, in full dress-up with helmet and goggles. Yup, you read that right. Not one to be outdone, Ellis taught Katie how to ride moto over the vegan gothsgiving break as well. Apparently there is photographic evidence of both of their feats, but I haven’t seen either photo yet, therefore this is all alleged hearsay. Santa is a magical white guy, and that’s final. Also, Mrs. Claus’s vagina is barren, she cannot have children and that’s why it’s okay for Santa to creepily watch little sleeping children. Tully went to see Santa over the break, no word on what he asked for though. Ancient religions ate buttholes at mass, it’s a life giving force that most people deny themselves.

Thanksgiving? Why don’t you give thanks that it only comes once a year?

The Smartest Box In The World has made a debut appearance on EllisMania.com interviewing Sean Connery, so you can go watch that if you like seeing hairy balls masquerading as titties. While debating how much vaginal tearing Sean Connery has caused, we found out that Tully has fallen asleep during sex and possibly during the act of licking cookie, and Cumtard has faked orgasms like some kind of rigid bitch with a serious love for flannel and a hatred for razors. Ellis banged with a pair of chicks panties on, all Jimmy Tarzana style. Moto news, Ellis’ bad motorscooter has given him purple dick again, along with a new taint injury. You ever had a deep fried turkey? You ever burnt your fucking face off trying to make a deep fried turkey? If you’ve answered no to both of those questions, you are probably not a proper shit-kicker. Hey, you wanna be a part of a colony of 80,000 people living on Mars for the low-low price of $500,000 smack-a-roos? Yea, me neither – so fuck that dumb shit. Moving on to the “Unsigned Bands” segment, and you know pretty much all submissions are getting made fun of, so no real change this time around – minus a shout out to the dead drummer of one of the bands and another band called the Dirty Orleans River Band.

Who says The Jason Ellis Show isn’t multicultural?

Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber got booed, and Halle Berry has her own personal fight club consisting of all the men in her romantic relationships. This sparked a conversation about who’s fault is it, when she keeps getting into relationships with all these abusive men. Is she abusive? Is she dumb? Or is just the unluckiest person in the world when it comes to picking a man to have a relationship with? Nobody really knows, but one thing we can all agree on is that the kid from Two and Half Men has found Jesus and coincidentally turned fucking bat-shit crazy at the same time. On the brighter side of Hollywood news, Larry Hagman (aka J.R. Ewing) has died. Final calls time, a black guy called into the show and said Ellis and Tully are his “niggas” and in turn, he is theirs as well. He called in to “holla, holla, dolla bill y’all” about the Mayweather / Pacquiao fight stuff. So there it is, the show’s street cred stock just rallied and is now up a few points on the “my nigga” index. In other financial news, your momma’s so poor, I saw her doing headspins on a Cheerios box in front of Goodwill for a piece of Wonder bread. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 11/21/2012

Posted on November 21, 2012 by wiz1010

If you take anything from todays show…

So its Who Gives A Fuck Wednesday, since this is the last show of the week, so that we Americans may celebrate the slaughtering of Native Americans, by killing turkeys and watching some football, Truck Yeah! I mean, it was the man who killed the Indians, right? Ellis says “Fuck the man” and that’s the truth. After all, it was the man who set Rawdog up at Coachella. You gotta stay on your toes peoples – if you fall back on your heels, that’s when you get caught. Basically, you can’t just say yes to everything the man asks you to do. Breaking News, the Wing Home Gym is officially in operation, and just in time for Ellis to buff up and beat the living shit out of some 5 year old kid who flashed Snookie. That reminded Rawdog of a time when he was conned into letting some kid wrap an extension cord around his neck, but thankfully his mom caught them in the act before it could go too far. Speaking of moms, no not your mom for once, Ellis’ mom has been talking to Snookie, which Ellis didn’t know and may explain why Snookie wants to go back to Australia for vacation. Also his step-mom has been dying for a year to be able to tell Jason all this other shit she knows. Tully’s advice to Ellismate, try the talks with them sober first, and if that don’t work try it with volume. Finally, if none of those work, pop a few ecstasy and get on with it. That last one could work for Rawdog with that hot chic he’s been trying to bang, but she ain’t texted back yet. Tully’s advice to Doc Banger, just wait – it looks cool. He’s right, and Bubba The Love Sponge was wrong back when he said Ellismate’s ‘Most phone calls in an hour’ award was total bullshit. But in came JizzCult to save the day, showing a paperwork that said: March 23, 2011 in the 13:00 hour – 74,316 calls – RED DRAGONS! Tony Hawk’s Stand Up For Skateparks foundation sent Ellismate a Nixon watch, Steve-O has stolen the reptile biting karaoke bit from Ellismate for his new show but its cool, and Tully saw Ron Livingston grocery shopping, no shit!

NUKINFUTS is a Sick Cunt Mate!

In Hollywood News, Kim Kardashian has a really fat ass. Kesha has a new bra made from her fans teeth, which reminds me, if you have any shark teeth send ’em in to Ellismate for his new sick chain he ain’t going to make. Jesse James has found love with Paul Mitchell’s daughter. Birdman of Cash Money handed out some turkeys, but Lil Wayne couldn’t attend due to his seizures. Hector Macho Camacho was shot in Puerto Rico, and sadly it ain’t looking to good for his chances of making it. Justin Bieber isn’t being charged for not beating the shit out of the paparazzi. Finally, and most important of all, ~~Rihanna is to no longer be mentioned ever again~~, never mind. Some dude scored 138 points in a college basketball game. Meanwhile, at the burn out track, we had some issues with NuckinFuts. Seems that crazy fucker didn’t want to listen to the man……’Fuck the man’. Finally, in Shark News, some dude speared a 9 foot shark just off the shores of Carlsbad, and ate that shit yo!

I won’t tell if you won’t tell

Woman, Am I Right? Some lady in Florida was doing 100mph in a 30mph zone while honking her horn, cause God said so. A different Florida based chic crashed her Thunderbird while shaving her Thundercunt. Some lady in Sweden is being charged for having sex with skeletons. Apparently she also sells them on e-bay, and just in time for the holidays. Remember that bitch that looks just like a Barbie doll, well she’s pissed at comments from her recent photo shoot. That’s about it for Women, Am I Right? and just in time for one of today’s guests, BBW porn star Kelly Shibari. She got here a little early for today’s game (you’ll see), and she loves playing with balls and teaching Tully all about boobies. She also broke the news to Ellis that woman have an extra rib, which is why they can’t drive. Kelly also has a new porn out titled Overloaded, check it out!

Just making the top 5 of WGW

Malice made it to the show, to join Katie and Kelly Shibari for today’s game “Kiss Ass”. Three teams of two were formed, Ellis and Malice, Cumtard and Kelly, Rawdog and Katie, and the idea is for the female teammate to get lipstick on her male teammate’s lips as best she can. Of course she has to use her ass, and he is blindfolded, all this in only 30 seconds. Just before we got going, Malice dropped the bomb she had this burrito still floating inside her from last night, ready to expload at anytime. First team up was Cumtard and Kelly, and just like that Kelly was naked, Cumtard was puckered up like Mic Jagger, and we got action. 20 seconds in and the lipstick broke, but Kelly got it back in her ass and overall they did a pretty good job. Next up was Rawdog and Katie, and they dove right into it. From Ellis angle, it looked like Rawdog was eating her ass out, and from JizzCult’s angle, he saw Rawdog touch her vagina! Sounds like they did a good job too, but now lets get to our 3rd contestants….only their not ready yet, cause Malice is in the bathroom, oh shit! Turns out she was changing into better underwear for this game, and her and Ellis were ready to go. It took them quite a while to get started, but well worth the wait as they turned out to be the winners, helluva job Ellismate n Malice! Did you know Malice performs at Cheetahs, and will be there for ‘The Reckoning‘, so I ask, will you? I also ask you what is the World’s Greatest porn name for a Native American? Some of the losers in this were ‘Hung Like a Horse’, ‘GeroniBone’, “NavaHo’, ‘Fucks With Fists’ and ‘Scrotem Pole’. The top 5:

Chief Penis
TomaCock
Runs With Sexual Intercourse
Spread Eagle
Crazy Whore

Straight into Final Calls, and we heard from Zenu, not to be confused with Enu, whoever the fuck that is. We also got a late entry for WGW, ‘Dick Hitler’, but thankfully we can save that for if Ellis wants to start his career as an insult comic. Also, if Canada can get any Death! Death! Die! album to have the numbers 1-5 tracks on itunes, Ellismate and the band will head up to Vancouver for a show. Its up to you Canada! Ellismate copped a nice feel on Kelly Shibari and also joined Katie in offering Rawdog some good advice for getting laid, lower your standards. My advice for Rawdog is better than that. I’d just tell him to call your mom and she’d gobble gobble gobble his dick up within minutes, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/20/2012

Posted on November 20, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a young Paul Newman & Clint Eastwood. It’s a young Peter Newman & Carl Eastwood. They were made in Nigeria.

You know it’s Tuesday when I say it is. You can trust me. Ellis has been watching a lot of porn lately and noticing a plethora of weird dicks, testicles, and vaginas running around out there in the wild. He’s also made a decision that he has to stop running and hiding by watching porn, he has to go to Australia and face some demons. Ellis is 41, Faction is on channel 41, and George H. W. Bush was the 41st President – and numbers don’t lie! No idea what that means, but it’s gotta be something, right? Tully always got the cheap shit version of toys, like Transform Bots or GI Jerry (Rawdog got GI Jew, The Great American Hebrew), and staying true to form, Jude used to sharpen popsicle sticks into daggers. Why can’t Ellis just push a “Simulcast” button that automatically patches Jude and his show into TJES? I’ll tell you why, because Swinghouse, that’s why. And why doesn’t Jude have his own show without Lord Sear, called “Rude Awakening” (title courtesy of Tully)? I’ll tell you why, because Lord Sear would smother Jude with cotton candy and gravy and eat him. Rawdog can’t say black names without Jude pissing his pants in laughter, come to think of it, Rawdog can’t say much without somebody laughing until they puke. Jude enjoyed his day off yesterday with some new designer drug that isn’t illegal yet, it gave him a whole body buzz, the lights twinkled, and it gave him the urge to eat butthole – which he did.

Nigeria is kind of a fucked up place, a funny fucked up place.

Now that Jude’s sister has moved in with him, he’s got a new masturbation rig all set up. He props his iPad up on some crumpled up blankets and pillows, proceeds about his business until he starts getting a neck cramp from looking off to the side and that’s his cue to hurry up and bust his nut. Meanwhile, Ellis (aka Dr. Dick) has porn going all the time because if he doesn’t fuck Katie until it changes the way she smiles, she’s not happy. Jude claims that science says that semen makes women happy and I have to agree, haven’t you noticed how your mom comes home in a great mood every night? Dustin called into the show to say he’s fucking his lesbian cousin’s wife, and he’s also living with them. His carpet munching cousin knows they’ve been cuddling and kissing. And who is Dustin you ask? He’s the dude that got shot and hung up on because he wouldn’t turn down his radio and kept giggling like he was in a tickle fight in the green room with Will Pendarvis and Cumtard. Do you have a flesh zipper in the middle of your balls? You should, or you’re a goddamned freak of nature. Scientific proof came in that fat people are not only stupid, but are also happier in general than skinnier people. Which makes sense, if a bag of chips makes your big ass happy, then think what 87 bags of chips could do for you! In Nigerian news today, click-pop-clickity-click-aids-pop-poppity-click! Click-click-pop, clicky-aids-poppy-clickity-pop. The only thing not completely accurate about that last bit was the American accent on the clicks and pops, other than that, it’s spot on.

Not a lot has changed in Nigeria over time, but one of the biggest changes was AIDs.

Who’s ready for a massive burnout? Kranky is and you are too, right? Note the fist and the “we’re number 1” finger in the air – fuckin ledges, mate. Let’s watch another burnout, shall we? Whiteboy Pee (aka Rasta Mayhem Miller) stopped by the show, he’s dyed his hair & facial hair black like Hollywood Hogan and is wearing a new shirt. Mayhem’s been getting bored lately, so he offered Rawdog to put on the Hulk Hands and give him a pop in the face every now and then, so naturally Rawdog put the Hulk Hands on the wrong hand and then proceeded to punch Mayhem as hard as he could in the most friendly way possible – so basically a love tap. Hollywood news time, that umm, guy that does the voice of Elmo? Yea, he’s now resigned after having a second alleged incident with another tight, young, underage boyhole. Jackie Chan’s old and tired and said he’s not going to risk his life anymore to sit in a wheelchair or risk his life to get a disease from having poop in his dickhole. I missed whatever else was said here because bitches be trying to make me work and shit, yo. When I came back, Wayne Coyne, the singer from The Flaming Lips, shut down an airport by packing a fucking grenade in his luggage, which went over about as well as a turd in a punch bowl or a genocide in some poor country. Nas hasn’t been paying his taxes, and so his wages shall be garnished. And like Fletch, you just know he’s going to hate the idea of garnishing his wages. I missed some more of this segment when bitch-ass ass-bitches wanted me to do more work. How dare they!

Today was of course NMT and I know you couldn’t be more excited about it! That’s why I’m going to be a total poop-dick to you and say absolutely nothing about it. Now is about the time I’d ask you something like “what is the different between an abortion and sand?” and tell you that you can’t eat sand. But I’m not going to do that today. No. Instead I’m going to tell you how I normally do my laundry. Step 1: Fill bathtub with warm water. Step 2: Add laundry detergent. Step 3: Place your mother in the bathtub and shoot her up with a nice speedball. Step 4: Wait until your mom starts convulsing in the bathtub. Step 5: Throw my dirty laundry into the bathtub. OH!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Jason Ellis

Oxy John, The Complete Story (History)

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/27/2012

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/26/2012

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 11/21/2012

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/20/2012