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Show Re-cap For Thursday 2/7/2013

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A long long time ago, in a far far away place, on a Thursday too coincidentally, someone somewhere made a huge mistake, accidental genius one might say, and let some Aussie washed up skate boarder hop on a microphone and riff.  I don’t think it was Birdman he was referring too, and sharp things fucking suck dude.  Drama nearby the swing-house studios.  Cop cars and ghetto birds flying around, apparently looking for some former cop who went AWOL and started killing other cops n shit, fucking gnarly shit bro.  Awso equawwy as fucking gnarwy, check out who’s in the Huffington Post sewwing his super accurate fortune cookies.  Did you know when Ellis works out, Fionna Apple is too little, and Sepultura’s 1st album is too much.  You can thank Rawdog for that first artist being on Ellis’s ipod.  Speaking of Rawdog, he’s getting all cut up, well not yet but he is working out and getting into it, you go girl!  Did you know phones make us bad parents?  But not Tully, superdad got his twinkle twinkle skills down.  Bindi Irwin, daughter of no longer with us superdad Steve Irwin, told Hillary Clinton to shove it, yo also go girl!  She also is apparently in Bindi’s Boot Camp, but it ain’t no JewManji so I ain’t checked that out yet.  Oh shit, how could I forget, Ellis was working the heavy bag when he felt something happen, possibly a slipped disc, or displaced rib, that or he’s pregnant, and the baby collapsed his lung, something like that….

 

Hey Hey it wasn't my fucking idea!

     Hey Hey it wasn’t my fucking idea!

 

Self proclaimed ledge Steven Seagal has a new posse to teach front kicks to while overlooking the Arizona public school system.  I wonder if Seagal uses the same facial creme Ellis got in the mail today?  Whateves right – Remember DirtShark from DirtShark.com fame, if you don’t he came on the show a while back with a moto dude, and personally it was some of the shittiest TJES I’ve ever heard, still better than 96% of the shit out there though.  Anyways, this dude seems to get sweeter by the minute, starting with his Sharklets he’s bringing by later to play a game, kinda sweet huh.  So the game has some questions that need to be answered ahead of time, and Rawdog Ellis n Tully were the first to go.  Short n sweet, Ellis fucks like he plays rugby, while Rawdogs a sorta table tennis kinda guy.  While Tully’s Mom’s best feature is her smile, Ellis’s has to be her tits. Tully refuses to fuck hatians, Ellis wont do a Nazi, and Rawdog is against slamming any retards.  Women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, drive or play basketball on TV per Ellis.  About then Tully committed to a plan to go softy McFrostington on ’em saying women shouldn’t cry without a shoulder to cry on, PFFFfag.  And how much on a first date should you spend?  Rawdog calculated the average over his last few dates, he spent 70 bucks.  Ellis was willing to spend whatever it takes, while Tully would pay whatever she costs…..kinda the same thing idn’t it?

 

This is why Rawdog will Never go to jail!

This is why Rawdog will Never go to jail!

 

Bitch Had It Coming News is just fucking nasty, and sounds like a NoYouAre joke to me.  What would happen to your ass in jail?  Well we all remember that Rawdog is doomed as a drug mule so there goes his ass.  Ellis thinks he’d be raped for sure, or shanked, or both, at the same time.  Wonder if Rawdog would get shanked, possibly Tully thinks somebody would have too even if just cause they finally can kill someone.  And what if you fuck a dude in jail, do you come out of jail with a totally different outlook on ass and whos it is?  This and more on The Jason Fucking Ellis Show Barry Damn It!  So yesterday I told you not to quote me on the email address for Unsigned Farts, and hopefully you didn’t.  If you have an Unsigned fart, email it to jellis@siriusxm.com.  Shout out to all you muthafuckers who sent in farts n burps for today’s vulgar display of awesomeness.  Truth though, if your gonna make one of these, you gotta try to get the vocals and the fart/burp together at the same time.  Except for that dude who said “I cum under it from under” you keep doing what you do homie!  Aussie News is just lame man, fucking pussies.  If Ellis were president, he’d not only ban birthday singing at restaurants but set a minimum grade for all meat.  This of course doesn’t apply the Bee restaurants and their famous Honey Burgers, I mean really.  Mexicans Am I Right?  So did they take all the shitty jobs from the 14 year old white kids, or are today’s youth just too lazy or good for working the drive through at Burger King?  Who knows, but they got cool cars and their chicken is pretty fucking slammin’ too.

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                           Tara

Gemma

                     Gemma

        

So remember that game and those Sharklets that DirtSharks bring by, well he brought ’em by, say hello to Gemma and Tara.  One’s from Australia the other New Zealand, and both looking for that guy whos a FGC (Future Green Card).  They also both sweat Dingo, but then again it is fucking Dingo right!  Ellis had to school ’em on who was the first to make it America, really just revealing he’s getting up there a little in years.  Turns out these two chics live a few blocks away, and are willing to stop by everyday if the show just provides beer.  You thinking what I’m thinking…..Dingo’s fucking really cool huh.   One of them’s sponsored by Monster n one hosts something on Fuel TV, blah blah blah blah.  Look they’re pretty fucking hot, and if you ran the show you’d be sweatin’ this opportunity, plus we got a game.  Today’s game is brought to you by DirtShark Wednesdays  so get it up ya!   So you remember earlier Tully n freinds answered a few questions, well apparently so did Will Shindarvis, Cumtard, and the intern guy, and the Sharklets had to answer them.  Winner gets a date, loser got off lucky cause there was no penalty this go around.  First off, these chis are a lot of fun I’m sure, so Tully’s romantic soft thought out shit just didn’t cut it.  The fucking intern don’t really matter yet, so theres that.  Rawdizzle did ok, since he does draw the line at sticking shit in his ass without asking if you wanna a piece of the Dog.  Will read the questions and sabotaged Ellis’s answers, so The Wing was fucked from the start.  Despite Will’s antics, he still fell short with his chess like fucking skills, and his answer that practically begged for a date with these chics.  So would I leave out, oh shit Cumtard from sector Cumtard of Planet Cumtardia, well despite his bull riding skills in the moon bounce, he got stiffed on the date he won, and instead was jsut offered to take His Shirt off in front of them…..he respectfully declined.

 

Fucking Oath Mate – Just Like Me Mum

 

Coming soon Im sure, Ellismate approved pasties.  They’re just stickers, but they work like a champ, and damn near were tested live in the studio.  Its not insertion so its mellow, much like final calls were.  Anyone could have called in to talk to these chics, or DirtShark even, but nope they were just about all for The Wing.  Hey Ellis, whats it like for you and your chic to wanna fuck everyone all the time?  Yo Ellis, tell me more about old man balls on your chic at swinger parties.  Ellis, Ellis, did Rawdog microwave anymore cum?  Dirtshark did let us know to look for the possible ‘Chad Reedets’ coming soon, allegedly maybe?  Ever wonder what its like to watch TV with Ellis?  Poto, Pussy, Poto, Punching, Poto, Pussy, Punching, Pussy, Poto!  Glad to not the The Hills in there, cause everyone knows Josh Hansen is a huge start in Australia.  Its weird I know, much like Americans and their fascination with wallabies as pets.  Not as weird as Ellis’s nickname with his real friends – Bubbles!   Yeah but I don’t know him that well so I ain’t calling him that, ya didn’t heard me.  I am however calling your grandma after i wrap this recap up so I can stick skittles up ass, fuck her, and let her taste the rainbow, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 2/6/2013

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Wednesday is known as hump day, as its right in the middle of the work week. At work, you often have vending machines.  Sometimes, you just really need that zagnut bar, but it gets stuck…..and to those who die from vending machine accidents, today’s show is for you!  You dumb lucky fucks got a good one too, so lets roll.  Shout out to SuperCrossDragon and his bad ass cricket concentration camp.  Also shout out to magnets, fucking love those things however they work, and lets hope they do work to hold up the wolf knife banner which just fell down.  If your pants just fall down, and your iphone falls out yo pocket, just let your ass rip and record that shit fart – send it to I think ellisparodies@gmail.com but don’t quote me on that shit fart.  Ellis played a new one of his own to get us started, and Tully had a few that had been sent in including a sweet 20seconds from Brandon, and the guy who asked Kobe how is ass taste, literally!  Sorry to that one lady with the 28 G’s who wants Ellismania to be in June cause it can’t, but Rawdog mania is anytime you want, Hey Lady!  Titties like that will probably knock you out worse than that dude from Ultimate Fighter last night.  They’d probably make you cum like a mother fucker too, and microwave that shit like Rawdog did, but thats later in the show.

 

 

MyFreeCams.com get it up ya!  Ol’ Uncle Ellis got it up him, and watched some ladies get all kinds of shit up them, and all free too.  Well not really, you need tokens for some private shows, but some chics just go for it without tokens, i say fuck tokens!  Kinda creepy to hear Ellis Tully n Rawdizzle each watch chics on cam, and give us the play by play, but also kinda funny too.  They saw someone requesting a chic play with her belly button, some Amish Milf lady, and even got a Red Dragons in a room.  Ellis says its fun to watch n see bitches just get pissed and yell at their computers, and others pulling a dildo out their ass, sniffing it and deciding blowing it ain’t a reasonable option anymore.  The real questions is how much money can be made doing this shit?  Enough to possibly get Cumtard to become Camtard, and put the World’s Smartest Box to use for a true greater good.  Considering he called his mechanic while in the studio, and dropped a over 5-grand bill, he may be looking to more than just one website….so try out StreamMate.com or Chaturbate.com.  Also he could try to cum and microwave that shit like Rawdog did, of course thats later in the show.

 

Happy Birthday @AZ_RedDragon, and Will too I guess.

This Muthafucker here said he was Obama, tried to kidnap some kids, and got the shit beat out of him.  No its not Will Pendarvis III, but today is @AZ_RedDragon‘s birthday so shout out to yo sexy ass, #FullHomo!  Oh, its Will’s too but I only mention that cause it led to a game that got playeded by the fellas.  Yeah remember how last week ol Jizz Cult thought it be a good idea to put Cumtard and his hard earned money on the line……Win Will Pendarvis III’s Money.  If you don’t remember the game, it pits Will against a caller, and Tully asks a question.  Will writes his answer down, then the caller shouts their answer, and if he’s wrong plus the caller is right, Cold Jizz Cult Cash You Cunts (Album droppin’ this September)!  Look, I ain’t gonna sit here and write each question, cause honestly what the fuck dude.  I Will Pendarvis III tell you the tibia is known as the shiny shin bone, and made some dude $23 richer.  BJJ stands for Blow Job Jason, and to be correct it is Anderson “The Man” Silva who is a master of BJJ if you didn’t know!  Last year’s super bowl champs were in fact the Tamp Bay Lighting.  If you knew that, then I’m sure you knew Lebron James and Toby Bryant are two players from the Miami Heat.  And while no one got the quarter of a million dollar question, some dude did get the $4,300,000,000,000 Q when he recited the Green Lantern Oath, while Cumtard jerked it in a near by Green Room, coincidence – I think no you are!  I wonder if he microwaved that shit like Rawdog did, but can’t think about that now since thats later in the show.

 

Damn Right It’s Britney Bitch!

So Postal workers will still be going postal, but just not on Saturdays, and no link you can just look that shit up.  Remember when Rawdog almost went postal yesterday on salads, and Ellis almost went postal on him – you remember right?  Well they kissed n made out up n Rawdog got nuggets and lived happily ever after.  Remember that dude Sean, that doesn’t have a dick yet but wants one, and beat the shit out of Rawdog in EllisMania.  He stopped by the show with his chic to put some Hard Pussy On Your Ass.  But before he could do that, Ellis Tully and Rawdog had to play Name That Pussy.  If your interested in hearing about how the boxes  of say Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian or Kate Moss look, well fucking On Demand it Barry Damn It.  And if your really tweaked, make sure to listen for how Paris Hilton, Helen Hunt and Sasquatch Demi Moore.  Oh shit, and I almost forget, It’s Britney Bitch!  The game wasn’t all that riveting really, but it was a close one that came to the last question.  Rawdog n Tully got it right, Ellis got it wrong, so Hard Pussy On Ellis’s Ass and Rawdog microwaved his own cum, but thats not until later in the show.

 

Cover artwork for said album

Ok Ok it’s later in the show, so its time for Hard Pussy On Ellis’s Ass.  Turns out Sean just got a hormone shot, and had his Rock Hard Clit (Thats the band name for said album due out in September) was ready to go since he left the Dr’s office.  So he put it on Ellis has literally, and got a well deserved Red Dragons for his sportsmanship.  He also played a little What Do You Boys Think Of These This, but off Ellismania.com cameras and just out of the eye sight of Tully conveniently as well.  Breaking News – false alarm just good ol’ Hollywood News.  Bieber banged Rihanna while he banged Selena, but not at the same time which would have been Red Dragons Story Of The Week.  Remember Lil’ Kim, well not by this picture you won’t.  Remember Allen Iverson, yeah well apparently the bank don’t when his mortgage was due.  Remember Fergie, yeah me either but sounds like she’s pregnant.  Oh and Barney’s kid murder some dude too, and of course Rawdog microwaved his cum, but will get to that later later on in the show!

 

My Cum Pockets Never Look That Good

Don’t be stupid, be swimmingly…and check out this picture of I don’t fucking know what just check it out!  Also, check out Ellismania.com soon for the video shot today of Rawdog rolling his r’s, blinking with a shake weight all shock collared up!  Speaking of Rawdog, the manboy, the mythical fairy, the ledge – Dude fucking microwaved his cum.  Its later later in the show, so lets get to it.  Remember yesterday some dude called in, said his boy microwaved his own load, and gave it to a buddy in place of crystal meth for dude to snort?  Rawdog tried it, well not the snorting part, or at least he didn’t tell us that much.  He did tell us he did this while he “thought” his roommate was asleep.  He told us it does become a white residue passable for a powder after about 20 seconds in the microwave, so dude’s story checks out.  He said he used a plate, paper towels and he called it a recon mission.  He told us much much more, but you have to go back and listen for yourself to get the full MadDog experience.  And if your whining about replays, you can either get it On Demand, or trust me this will be in a Best Of real soon!  And if your whining about what the new Monopoly piece is, its your grandma doing a pterodactyl with Professor Money Bags, Hitler and Flip Rippington, OH!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Show Re-cap For Monday 1/28/2013

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Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Will Rawdog have a similar conversation one day in the future?

Welcome, are you ready to fucking fuck? How about just find out what the fuck went on with the show today? Okay, cool. You think you’re tough? Like shark tough? Well wrap your gills around this shit, a killer whale will come up from under your shark ass without you knowing it and ram your shit, and you will explode! So you ain’t so tough. Remember that fucking shit, fuck. Rawdog’s wearing a shirt with a tiger on it today but says he’s a lion, even though when he goes home, he puts on his Burger King crown. Sounds like Ellis’ head tattoo guy isn’t calling him back, so the bear head, head tattoo might already be history. A drunk Dingo opened up to Cullen at the X-Games about that new announcer chick, Ramona Bruland. I don’t know exactly what was said, I’m not sure he knows either – but the gist was that he thinks X-Games fucked up by replacing Sal Masekela with that chick, and saying it makes everyone look bad. Josh Hansen called in, so naturally, talk instantly turned to moto and how he got ejected from Supercross and how they want him to pay a $4,000 fine for taking some dude out in a turn.

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Mr. Easter Bunny likes that crack rock too!

Exciting news for Rawdog, he will be going back out with that new chick he recently met online and jacked off to last week! He also signed up for some sketch comedy classes over the weekend and is still hitting the gym as well, so things are looking up for his Jewish ass! Go get ’em tiger lion! Dave Mirra called into the show all excited, Ellis had to hush him up real quick and told him not to talk about anything they’ve recently been texting each other about. Could this mean a possible Mirra presence at another upcoming EllisMania? If you’re on that crack, cocaine, or a crack cocaine cookie, you ain’t hiding that shit from nobody – no matter how good of a lie you think up. Have you been wondering how to make crack? Maybe you’re having guests over for a dinner party and are looking to impress them with your cooking skills? Well good news, you can listen to E-40 – The Recipe to find out how!

Why shouldn't get Rawdog get a tattoo that says "I love my sister"?

Why shouldn’t Rawdog get a tattoo that says “I love my sister”?

Rawdog lost his bet over the weekend concerning the UFC, now he has to get a tattoo while he and Grant Cobb are both wearing shock collars, or eat salad for an entire week. You know he’s not going to be eating just salads for an entire week, so time to start brainstorming tattoo ideas for Rawdog! It was at this point that I missed the next 45 minutes or so of the show and have no idea what went on. I came back in with Rawdog and Tully reading what I assume was Hollywood news and then they went to break with some Michael Jackson. Sweet news for you Soundgarden / Ellis fans, the new video for “By Crooked Steps” by Soundgarden, featuring Ellis & Katie, and directed by Dave Grohl, is out today. Even though Ellis didn’t get paid in money to appear in the video, apparently Dave had asked Ellis when he wanted him to go on the show! Brand new game today, “Win Kevin Kraft’s Money” which is odd because that dude has about as much money as that homeless guy that sleeps under the bridge. His whole $11 is on the line here, if you can guess the correct answers to the questions, you can really put Cumtard in the poor house. Perhaps not so surprisingly, the callers didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground so the guys had to resort to cheating to get people to win Cumtard’s money. Hopefully next week, we’ll have a “Win Will Pendarvis’s Money” game where the tables will be turned.

Overly attached listener's can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

Overly attached listener’s can be scary. Trust me, I am one.

There’s a website that Dingo frequents quite often, it shows registered molesters that are living in your area. It’s weird too, because those red dots just seem to keep following Dingo around, no matter where he moves. HA! (see what I’m insinuating there) There was a dirty cock sock smell in the studio that everyone but Rawdog could smell. That might lead you to believe it was Rawdog that was stanking, but remember this too – Dingo just left your little sister’s house and socks come in handy when you’re tying down the unwilling. OH SNAP! (Ooops I did it again) Some dude called in to get permission to name his bulldog after Tully. I didn’t even know that was something that needed to be asked? Some chick called in about indecent exposure and distributing drugs, but nobody really took her seriously because, well, she’s a woman. BA-ZING! And then a copper from Oklahoma called about humping on kids, said it was pretty cool (no he didn’t) and that people are given different levels. You start off as a novice and can work your way up to Phil Donahue status, which is considered the highest level of wizard. And with that, we end the re-cap with your dad, the ultimate kid toucher, the ding-a-ling put to his mouth and sing cowboy, Phil Donahue. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/24/2013

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Yet another Aids Thursday at The Jason Ellis Show, but today was just a little feminine, well more than usual.  In fact, we all had vaginas before we were born, which probably explains why Rawdog knows the words to TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’.  Yes he did sing it for us, but wasn’t near as gay feminine as the dong Tully played from his personal library.  Enough with the pussy talk, did you know Tiggy has butt cheeks in his feet, named Bill and Ted.  And even more manly than that, Rawdog fish tailed in his car the other night,   and almost kept it on the road.  Even more manly than that, is keeping civil conversations with yo’ baby mama’s so you don’t fuck the kids over.  Also important to never trust a Catholic Priest for the same reason really.  Of course if he’s just a priest from another Christian religion, just keep an eye on that dude aight!  As much as we hope there’s a ghetto in heaven, we equally hope hell’s got something righteous for these kid fuckers.  Of course, if hell is like Tully seems to recall, then were just in a constant state of fire, which Ellis wouldn’t mind too much.  Jerk his fire dick and shoot his fire load, Red Dragons!  More on Catholics, Jizz Cult sent a link to Tully about how they conveniently said fetuses aren’t people when being sued, but they are when it comes to kicking your chic down a flight of steps if she’s gained a few pounds, ya know for added insurance.  Sure that might make for a bad first date, sure glad Rawdog didn’t use those tactics for his 1st date with this new short petite chic.  No titties or BJ’s for the Dog, just back to the house to jerk it to Sonic Youth and celebrity porn.

 

Watch out for those waterfalls Rawdog!

 

What is The Jason Ellis Show without a dose of Hometown Hollywood News?  Probably a reply, but today we found out that Justin Bieber is a funny muthafucker, and told this Colette bitch to shut the fuck up.  Kris Jenner used to beat her kids, and a lot of other dudes off, so says Bobby Kardashian’s journal.  If you were curious what that “chic” Manti Te’o had a false crush on sounds like, Bobs your uncle!  Sylvester Stallone paid his half-sister off, either for abusing her back in the day, or most likely cause its easier to pay the crazy pill popping bitch off than put up with it.  Halle Berry is seriously selling the shit out of Tostito’s, check her guacamole titties out!  Lindsay Lohan’s new movie The Canyons Movie was rejected from both Sundance and South By Southwest citing its lack of quality in a movie.  Good Grief, Charlie Brown was arrested for stalking, which just reminds Tully with today’s technology, stalking is as easy as its ever been.  It didn’t take Tiger too long to get some new snatch, check her out.  And it didn’t take Tiggy that long to drop another #FuckTullyHellYeah.

 

I knew something was up with that dude

I knew something was up with that dude

 

In STD News, those sick cunts may have found a cure for Aids.  Then we played a game, and shout out to @mike_in_canada for this one……Ultimate Survival Tactics with Rawdog as your host.  Well, the game was a great idea, but having Rawdog be the voice of reason made for some radio gold.  Here’s the setting, Donald Schultz flies Ellis, Tully and Cumtard out to Africa, to get away from any Blick Dragons and back to nature.  Only the helicopter crashes, Donald burns up with it, and the 3 are left to fend for themselves.  So hotshot, what do you do?   Despite Tully’s ideas of killing Cumtard, you basically just put a stick in everything and you will survive.  Here’s the best I can tell you to do if ever lost in the Savanah of Africa, first you gotta find shelter, and tie shirts around your legs to soak up water from the grass.  Then, you just set the whole fucking place into a wildfire to stay warm, of course if the helicopter’s explosion hasn’t already achieved this goal.  Then you take an air bath using dirt for soap, clean your teeth with a stick, and lock your hands together when crossing a river.  Oh, don’t forget to throw a rock in the river, so you can properly gauge the depth, that’s key!  If you get a tick, just shoot your jizz over him to suffocate him.  If your foot hurts, just harden the fuck up.  Oh, and last but certainly not least, if your ever in a snow storm, in Africa mind you, just take a shit in the coroner and let the heat and smell waft your way to keep you warm.  This is all true!

 

What do you do hotshot?

What do you do hotshot?

 

Woman Am I Right?  So this Portland lady got stuck in between two buildings, and this is the 3rd story like this  in months.  This lady in Washington smothered her man to death with her huge knockers, again another instance of this but resulting in death this time.  Curious to see the world’s widest hips, check her out.  In Juno, Wisconsin at ‘Silk Exotic’, these two bitches fought over a dollar, despite one of them being with child.  Women in Vancouver have started their own fight club, Woman Am I Wrong?  Nope, its a pillow fight club, check it out!  Some girl bit her mom’s thumb off during an argument, but couldn’t find that link.  I did find this link, to these two bitches at their holiday party, and the bitten off finger nail that transpired.  In Scotland, this Chinese lady stole this other Chinese lady’s valuables, cause the other lady is a dumb bitch.  I also tried to find the story about the lady who stole a 40pound dildo, but every key word just found me tons of porn.  OK, I’m back!  Just in time for this lady, who got out of 6 speeding tickets, by calling in a fake nearby emergency to 911.  This Swedish woman stole and crashed a fucking train into an apartment building, which ain’t that easy to do.  From there, just a Reno woman who killed her man over porn, some lady bit her mans ear off for her 19th offense since 2003, we heard about the lady who drove 900+ miles instead of 90 cause she’s a moron, and some lady got her 5 dead cats names tattooed on her back.  Woman Am I Right?

 

 

Remember when Will notified us that Woman are now allowed in combat?  Well, that was the rest of the show.  Woman are fucking awesome in war, woman fucking suck in war.  Period blood attracts bears so that’s not good at times of war.  You can leave a dude to die, but you can’t leave a bitch to die.  Callers Am I Right?   Brand new for today,  EllisMate is posting a photo on Instagram, and reading the comments at the end of the show….so be sure to follow @wolfmate on Instagram, and get some better shit for him to read or its over.  Also, don’t forget to check out the Roast of Dee Snider tonight, with Jim Florentine, Jim Norton and many others, all on AXS.tv.  I personally won’t be able to catch it, as I will be knee deep in your mom’s snatch, looking for shelter like Rawdog told me too.  But not until I first throw a rock in that pussy to see just how deep it is…..still waiting for a ‘Ker-Plunk’, OH!

 

 

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/22/2013

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This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

Wassup you filthy, shameful, fuckers of mothers and fathers? Let’s see what today’s show has in store for us. We got a new old show intro, the Taintstick Balls version made a comeback and I think that makes everyone happy. The guys took a little time to perfect their “balls” screams. Apparently there were a few people who were pissed that they weren’t live yesterday, and they’ve been invited to come to EllisMania and each of them get 1 minute to fight Ellis. In awesome news, Vitor Belfort knocked the shit out of that turd faced, neo maxi zoom dweebie, Michael Bisping! Jude came in with his shiny ass shoes and multicolored striped socks to lay his two cents on the table about MMA, and how he has yet to be jacked off by the girl who cuts his hair. Ellis went to the AVN awards over the weekend, and realized that porn stars on the red carpet aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. Who knew? Since Ellis was there with Katie and Malice, dudes were thinking he was banging both of them by himself, so there was no shortage of creepy dudes coming by fist bumping and trying to hang at their table in hopes of at least getting to watch them and jerk off or something.

Grab your soup and smokes, it's NMT.

Grab your soup and smokes, it’s NMT.

Wanna go see some acoustic metal? If you said yes, then check out Machine Head dates: Riverside, CA 1/23; San Diego, CA 1/24; Anaheim, CA 1/25; Fullerton, CA 1/26. This brought us to an early version of NMT, but before that, Tully saw an increasingly rare sight, some dude wearing a jean jacket with Agent Orange and rocker clothes and shit. You thought they were extinct, but oh no, there are still a few that exist. We got to hear some of that outlaw country stuff Johnny Knoxville was telling us about when he was on the show, and then a bunch of other garbage – with the exception of Adam Ant. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog makes a weird “I’m giving an amateur blowjob” face when he’s grooving to music. Coming up next was America’s favorite (after Rawdog’s mother) paper champ porn star, Belladonna, showcasing her deep throating skills on a massive dildo. She also provided some helpful information, if you purchase any toys (like a massive dildo), make sure it doesn’t smell or it’s going to burn your asshole.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

Then we got some shock collar movie review with Cumtard reviewing the movie “Dredd” that stars nobody you fucking heard of. Of course he got the shit shocked out of him, but the real twist here was that Ellis made him another bet, if Ellis watched the movie and thought it sucked, Cumtard had to suck a dick and get shocked during his oral performance. The twist? Ellis said he already saw the movie and thought it sucked! Enter Brockallina and a shock collar while Belladonna gave dick sucking advice to Cumtard, you know, to really spice things up and make everyone that much more happier. The movie sounds like it could be a pretty big piece of shit, but according to Cumtard and the Twitter-sphere, it’s a good movie – so IBM presents, you make the call. Belladonna stayed in studio to administer some excellent advice to a bunch of a different callers about all their different sexual questions. And I’ll tell you what, she’s way better than a Dr. Ruth. People used to think your mom, given her chosen profession as sex worker, would be good at giving sexual advice. Turns out her answer to every question was, “just close your eyes and try not to think about the fact that you’re eating shit covered in jizz.” Needless to say, most people didn’t take her advice and chose to just puked in her mouth, fuck it, and then left. OH!