I’m going to tell you a story about me, a man, and a dog. I know how that may sound. But this isn’t your typical story about me, a man, and a dog. This one is different.
I had just gotten home from work, I was outside setting up sprinklers to water my lawn when I noticed someone walking down the street with a dog in front on a leash. The owner was tugging back and forth and scolding the dog the entire way. Clearly this dog did not want to listen and just did whatever it wanted, the owner was just along from the ride. As the man and dog kept walking and approached closer, I realized he and the dog seemed familiar. My mind raced to place the face with a name, but I was drawing a blank. I remember thinking, “It’s just a neighbor, neighbor’s friend, or a family member I just haven’t noticed before.”
As I stayed busy adjusting the sprinklers for optimal coverage, I kept an eye on the semi-familiar man and his dog walking down the street. As they came closer, the dog was straining to get to me, not in a “I want to bite you” sort of way, but in a playful and curious sort of way. I was not frightened. I bent down and held my hand out as the owner let some slack out on the leash to allow his dog to come closer. “Don’t worry, he won’t bite!”, shouted the man. I could tell this just by the dog’s attitude and looks, and trusted the mans words. The dog instantly approached me and began to push his wet snout into my hand. “That’s a good boy! Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy, that’s right!” I repeat.
The man catches up and starts to make typical, friendly chit-chat. “How are you doing? It’s pretty hot out here isn’t it?” I exclaim, “No doubt! It hot enough to make me consider quitting smoking!” We share a small laugh as the dog has become increasingly infatuated with me and had gone from smelling my hand, to licking my hand and using his nose as if he was showing me how he wanted me to pet him. I pet the dog, gave him a few “that’s a good boy” slaps on the ass and he was instantly my best friend. As the man and I continue to make small talk, the dog rolls over on his belly and starts motioning with his paws, as if to be saying “Hey, come on man, rub my belly, please!” He was so cute, I couldn’t bare to disappoint him, so I obliged and began to scratch his belly, chest, and armpits. We was in heaven.
The man continues, “Wow, he’s really taking a liking to you. Tell ya’ what. I’m getting ready to move for work and I can’t bring the dog with me. He seems to really like you, would you want him?” Perplexed and caught off guard, I began to fumble my words, almost just blurting out the stream of conscious racing through my head. “Well… I don’t… What does he even… How would I… I guess, dude.” Did that just come out of my mouth? Yes. Yes it did. I just agreed to take this familiar looking stranger’s, familiar looking dog, as my own. What the fuck was I thinking?! I didn’t know, I felt numb. The man can tell I’m scrambling to think, he interjects “Tell you what. I’m going to go get his papers to show you and while I do, why don’t you take this leash and keep on eye on the dog. I’ll be right back.” I’m instantly thinking this guy is just leaving me with his dog and is never returning.
I’m waiting. each minute feels like a half hour. As I’m looking at the dog and trying to think of what the fuck I’m supposed to do, I realize I’m gazing at the dog. He’s licking his legs, his ass, his balls, and now he’s concentrated on his little doggy dick. “Dude! What the fuck?! Stop! You sick fucker! Your pink thing is out now, you moron!” I yelled. His tongue is still going a million miles an hour and I’m thinking that I’m about to watch this fucking dog climax. I don’t know if I should smack him with a shovel or just leave and abandon this fucking dog. Suddenly I hear a shout “STOP THAT! STOP! STOP IT!” The man is running down the street, shouting at this fucking dog to stop giving himself head. I’m still in shock, a dog is leaning against my legs and ready to climax, and a strange man with a faux-hawk hair style is running towards me. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.
As the man is getting closer, he pulls out brownie and the dog starts kind of sitting / laying on the ground and dragging himself forwards. “Dude! Is this fucking dog jizzing all over my grass?” I exclaimed. “Man, I’m real sorry about that. It’s gross, but he does that sometimes. Usually I can give him a brownie and he chills out and won’t do that.” the man explains. He continues to show the dog this brownie, the dog has finished and is now lumbering towards his treat. I don’t know if it’s telling the dog “good job” or if it’s to calm this fucker down. The dog gobbles up the treat and is soon sprawled out and napping right where he was. “Here man, I brought over his papers. I swear that doesn’t happen often. Just give him one of these brownies right when you see him getting worked up and he’ll pass out instead.” says the man. I some what reluctantly go along with all of this for some reason. I’m still in shock of what just happened to my life in the span of 10 minutes.
The man continues to rattle off things about the dog, his eating habits, what to do, what not to do, etc. I’m trying to let all this sink in as much as possible. I felt like I was being given keys to safe that I never knew existed and it was filled with gold. As the man continues blurting out all sorts of information to me, my mind starts to slow down. In a split second, I’m thinking “Brain! Don’t do this right now, you can’t shut down on me! We really need this information!” My brain isn’t responding. it’s slowing down no matter what I want. Another thought pops into my head. I know this man! I know this dog! I’m filled with clarity now, I realize everything in a flash. I’ve got it!
As the man hands me a pack of rolling papers, I realize the bag of brownies he gave me are pot brownies. I look down at the dog and mutter, “I’m on to you!” and quickly turn to the man and say, “Look dude, I’m taking these pot brownies and these rolling papers, but the dog goes back with you! I hadn’t realize it before, but I now know exactly who you and your dog are.” The man looked shocked, even his dog looked shocked. They were busted, and they knew it. As I turned to go back and continue watering my lawn, as if to tell the pair that I was on to them and they should’ve known better, I said my final words to them before they walked off down the street. I said, “See ya Pendarvis, and stop cumming on people’s shit, Rawdog! Love the show, by the way!”
BOOM!
