Tag Archives: Anderson Silva

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/14/2014

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yeah-hilarious

No. Yeah! That’s totally art. You did a… umm… good!

Hello my pretties! It’s big daddy bitPimps filling in for that one dude that plays with Triscuits all day long, CrackerStacker6. Time to get it up ya! Everyone got their art on last night (or maybe this morning if you’re name is Jetta), Ellis painted some shit with his dumb fingers, Tully glued some shit with his dumb fingers, Will smoked with his dumb fingers, Jetta stroked his ding-a-ling with his dumb fingers, & Cumtard fingered his dumb butt with his dumb fingers. This is all allegedly of course. Not everybody can produce art, just because you wiped a booger on a wall, doesn’t make you an artist, it makes you a disgusting child. Anyway, everyone did a self-portrait. Tully’s was a collage that featured his cannon dick. Cumtard did a sketch, but of course he’s color blind and used a red pen for part of it. Will drew triangles to represent hair on his chin, even though he has no hair on his chin or shin. Jetta made a little flip book style so the viewer of his masterpiece can change his shoes and such. Ellis painted a Jewish wolfman wearing a yarmulke with a head tattoo. I assume they will be showing these renditions to Justin Bua, an artist that will be on today’s show. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night, and now they want him to do Dr. Drew’s podcast too to fill in for Adam Carolla. All this after he just filled in for Psycho Mike on Loveline. Dude’s been gettin’ busy with Dr. Drew – if you catch my drift. Alec Baldwin was arrested for riding his bike the wrong way, fucking rebel. There was talk about maybe doing a show at night and recording it and playing some time in the morning. This was all talk that including an actual “Ellis Channel” (The Baby?) where Tully could do a night show, Jude could do a show, etc. Sounds like contract negotiations are looking pretty good. You can take a picture with your Wolfknives membership and then tweet the show a song you want in rotation for a day! Everyone discussed possible names for the new channel, it was a real hoot.

uhh-yeah

Georges St. Pierre AND a Kickboxer remake you say?

The show is looking for a man or woman (let’s face it, it’s gonna be a man) that can build a ramp for Ken Block RC cars to jump 6′ at a low height. Or in other words, 2 bricks and a piece of plywood. Hey, you can see Ellis when he races this weekend on livetrackfeed.com. MMA News, Georges St. Pierre is said to be in a remake of the movie Kickboxer, but he’s not playing JCVD and also nobody cares. Brock Lesnar called Dana White to ask if he would call Pat Barry and tell him to retire. He may also have asked Dana if he could call Bisping to find out where to get a good steak, allegedly. Justin Bua came in bearing a gift, a painting – of something, I’m not sure what it was. Anyway, he’s doing some kind of show for the UFC, he’s been a longtime fan and used to call up Art Davie and pretend to be a reporter just so he could pick his brain. He says that MMA fighting is a lot like art for him, saying, “You and your canvas, one on one.” ~ Kid Rock. He gave a painting to Anderson Silva and it made him cry like a little bitch. So besides being an artist and bringing in a painting, he brought in a bottle of water called “raw water” and swears it tastes better than you know, plain old water water. It’s not his water, it’s just a water he really likes. Did I mention he also makes superfood drink mix stuff called Immortal Machine with some infomercial dude named David Wolfe? Well I just did. Did I mention he’s vegan? Did I also mention he raises his daughter as vegan? Well I just did that too. Go me! He also said Cumtard has a woman-like mouth in real life, as opposed to his self portrait.

is-anyone-looking

Is anyone still reading this? I don’t blame you.

Next up, “What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life?” segment. Callers inundated us with their stories of some of the stupidest things they’ve done. Several were good enough to win themselves some Red Dragons gear. If you get a chance, give it a listen – because I’m not recapping all that, especially about the guy that shot his girlfriend / wife. Total accident. I will tell you about one of them though. Tully was with Cullen, celebrating his birthday. Both got really drunk, Tully went to bed and Cullen ended up having to puke. The next morning, Cullen told Tully about him throwing up, said he went to the bathroom puked, but it was cool because he cleaned it all up. Turns out Cullen passed out on the bathroom floor, Tully’s mom woke up at 5 AM to get ready for work & found Cullen passed out on the floor. Tully’s dad had to carry him to the couch and Tully’s mom cleaned up Cullen’s puke. Tada! In fire news, it sounds like the Four Seasons is on fire in San Diego. I take it you can find some… hot room deals! Or maybe it’s just that someone got… fired! At least it didn’t… spark much debate! HEYOH! I’m sure this is all old news to Wilson and his police scanner.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/6/2014

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back_up_in_this_bitch

We’re back up in the heezy.

Welcome back, our only friend! First recap of 2014 is about to be all up inside of you. All. Up. Inside. Up in ‘dem guts, naw I’m sayin’? So here we are, inside the hole radio. Ellis’ eyes have been opened, he now knows Canada is all Asian, even the white people. Ellis also went to see some moto this past Saturday, he didn’t like the common people seats (nose bleed seats), but he hung in there. Dingo pretended to see some moto this past Saturday, from his sofa – but that don’t stop the Dingo from bringing in some moto gossip. Apparently Twitch had a video on his Instagram of Alessi crying, but now that’s been reported and removed for some reason. Ellis missed that, the GOAT doing hot laps, fireworks, etc. while he was meeting Grant Cobb in the parking lot to get him in to the common people seats. Speaking of Grant, Ellis finally finished up his head tattoo last night. And speaking of Ellis, he will be on Dr. Drew’s TV show tonight. Speaking of Dr. Drew, it’s tickle time because Broc Tickle got 8th or some shit. Lumpy Ellis has officially moved on to greener pastures, he was removed from his host face two weeks ago before the trip to Canada – hence no third seat needed on the plane. Speaking of money, Dingo feels like this is his year, he’s gonna be rolling in the dough and hanging out with more famous people. Speaking of dough, Wilson is thinking about starting to self-medicate for diabetes. Speaking of diabetes, you can join the Faction Board of Directors to help change what music is played on the channel.

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CPR used to begin with smoochies, not handjobs!

Kenda Perez called into the show to talk about New Year’s and MMA. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva failed his post fight drug test and got stripped of his $50k bonus, which I assume was going to be put to good use for a specially modified pillow for that massive Omnimax dome of his. Anderson “The Spider” Silva (The Spider and Bigfoot are not related) snapped his leg like it was a #2 pencil in the crack of a stripper’s ass. It looked like it didn’t tickle. Like, at all. Ronda “Rowdy” Rousey won her fight with Miesha “Cupcake” Tate and riled a bunch of people up after refusing to shake hands with her opponent. Tito “Ouch, My Neck” Ortiz crashed his Porsche today and was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Breaking MMA news, Dominick Cruz has pulled out of his fight with Renan Barao due to a groin injury and will give up his title – and now Urijah Faber will be fighting Barao. Guess where Dingo’s never been, Africa – but he’s been to Spain, and he still knows more about Africa than you. But that’s neither here nor there, we’re talking about South African CPR. Apparently they have some kind of indigenous fight club and when a dude got knocked out, they splashed water on his face – oh, and jerked him off. Know what else Dingo has seen? Shaun White’s erect pecker, because, you know, kids and stuff. He say’s Shaun’s packing a big ole ginger dick. So, perfect segue time, the Ellis kids got some crazy carts for Christmas and anytime Tiger gets passed by his sister, he gets possessed and drives straight into rage world. He started ramming the shit out of sissy, spinning out, and crashing into everything.

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NOBODY PASSES EL TIGRE!

Fuck snakes on a plane, and fuck dogs on a plane. And fuck dogs in restaurants. That’s Wilson and Tully’s position on the matter, unless of course you’re a god damned, bat shit crazy asshole – then you may be excused depending on how mentally disturbed you really are. Speaking of offensive, while flying back from their holidays, Tully’s son vurped (vomit burp) right into Tully’s crotch while on the plane. He tried to clean himself up as much as possible, but ended up having to sit in with his barf moistened balls, stinking like rotten milk barf. Then they land in Denver, the plane’s delayed, so he’s still just chilling with vomit balls, get’s on the next plane and has to sit next to a stranger. Talk about an awkward flight, how do you even begin to explain throw-up sack? Awful. Just awful. Hey, Piers Morgan accepted a challenge to receive 6 cricket pitches from Brett Lee and earned himself a cracked rib for his troubles. I don’t care about Piers, cricket, or some dude named Brett Lee – but I do support anyone beaning Piers by throwing balls at him.

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Canadian customs or football coach?

So on the way to Vancouver, Canadian Customs called Ellis off to the side and asked him if he was mad dogging one of the customs agents. Dingo thinks the head tattoo is to blame. For all the talk about how nice Canadians are, their customs agents really would make you think differently, I’m not sure I’ve ever run into one that wasn’t power tripping on something or another. While Tully was in Wisconsin, he ran into the ass patched jeans and gathered some evidence to help prove his point to Ellis that True Religion / Affliction style jeans are still alive and kicking. So while pushing a stroller through the mall with his is mother-in-law, he tried to snap a few pictures of Milwaukee locals’ asses without being busted by people or mall cops for it. Dedication and hard work, kids, that’s what gets the job done. There’s a dude with 2 cocks who did a Q & A on reddit.com. I’m not really sure what else to say about that other than, “huh.” Speaking of dicks, it took 15 cops to get some dude wigged out on meth to stop masturbating, remember the talk about dedication and hard work, kids? Speaking of tards, sounds like it is official, the newest member of TJES is Cumtard, as a producer. Welcome back you pube eating / smoking / bro-cone / baby bird / champion! And there you have it, the first TJES recap of 2014. I mean, a real recap, not a phoned in, 30 second, hodgepodge of words. OH!
(Disclaimer: That’s a joke. That’s what we do. Make jokes.)

kill_me

Just sayin’

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/13/2013

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I came in a little late and Ellis was talking about rubber on fire and smoking in the yard burning kids and the only thing I could think was, “I didn’t think he wore condoms.” And then I realized that he’s talking about doing burnouts. If you are doing burnouts or having sex you have to stop when the cops show up. You gotta respect the police for putting up with your stupid ass. El Diablo Blanco is fighting this weekend, that’s The White Devil for all you people not fluent in Messican. Some how talking about the Devil Blanco Ellis shat photo (9)out this pearl of wisdom, “When you get to the top you’re competing with natural ability.” Which pretty much means that you already beat out all the people without the dedication and drive as you and are on a level playing field of learned skill. Just like Deathbone McGee on the mega ramp. I’m not sure what that means but I just wanted to write Deathbone McGee. Ellis got five pairs of Metallica tickets to give away, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry. Ellis sang his song last night called My Blood. The main lyric is “My blood is out to get me” and he said it’s a dark metal song about, well, his blood i guess. What do you expect, I haven’t heard it yet, get off my back! Ellis had Katie sing it too so we will eagerly wait for that EP to come out.

A black man in Union Square yelled I’m gonna punch the next white man I see, and he did. Then the guy hit his head on the sidewalk and went into a coma and died. Ellis recalled the night coming out of nightclub when some fucking asshole punched him square in the pace while he has his arms around two ladies. The same thing happened to another dude the next nite but the dude died and that could have been big daddy Jace cakes and then this recap would make no sense at all. He remembered that when he was a kid fights were scary and ugly so he never really wanted to be in a street fight which is a good idea because it’s stupid and you never know, you might die. On a lighter note they played, You Sir Are A Moron, they talked about Astrological signs, ghosts, going to space, being a hitman, fucking Larry King and dying with Joan Rivers bloated skeleton in your bed every week.

196_29735630096_7290_aRoger Black, aka Yucko The Clown, came in talked about his new show Brickelberry about park rangers and people and trees and a talking bear and bestiality. Sounds like everything a cartoon about a sadistic bear cub can ever be. He also talked a little about being on Howard and being a part of the Wack Pack and some other shit about this one cunt who played him to get herself famous and broke his heart and is hopefully currently in a pit of snakes that have herpes and syphilis. Yukko also said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” Anderson Silva did an interview about his front kick the he has been doing since his days as a wee youngster and how Steven Seagal is full of shit.

There were more fight submissions for Ellismania 9 and if you want to participate, send your submissions to radiofightclub@siriusxm.com or fightclub@siriusxm.com or something, I don;t really know, I just pretend to know. Apparently the monkey cats that shit out the monkey cat shit coffee are kept in bad conditions. So if you are an animal lover that loves monkey shit coffee you are really bummed right now. A video of a store owner that

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

knocked out a robber with baseball bat was played today, so I found it for you too because I’m nice and shit. Fredericos is giving away free burritos on Monday now E.coli free! To be honest I was really stoked about this but then I found out that it’s only at the location that was serving the “shitting blood special” and not the one by me. I love me some free burritos. The Titanic Heritage Crusty Dusty Box Committee is mad at Redbull because they made a commercial that if the people that were on the Titanic had Redbull they would have been able to grow wings and fly to safety. This is bullshit, all that would have happened is the band that stayed on the boat would have played something more awesome like the Mexican Hat Dance or Breadfan. Also the Titanic committee said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” If Josh gets knocked out and jacked off by Nick Swardson after his fight, he’ll let Ellis put it on YouTube. I don’t know if Nick will knock out the bush baby but I do know that if you want to see someone jack off unconscious dudes you can go to YerMum@YouTube.com, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/8/2013

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writing_re-caps

Here’s me writing today’s re-cap and not giving a fuck.

It’s Mungday, you filthy animals and like sands through the hourglass, so are the graves of our wives – or something like that. Jumping right in, the UFC and MMA, Ellis says some people are saying the Silva vs Weidman fight was a setup and those people are just fucking wrong. Rawdog isn’t on the show today because he has a girlfriend, but Dingo is on the show today because he does not have a girlfriend. One of the interns apparently had a great weekend at Mission Beach and was telling Ellis & Dingo about it like they needed to cancel today’s show and get there right away. Basically he got laid and finger banged a chick until she peed. And then walked in Rawdog after giving blood at the doctor’s office, looking for STD’s. He also had an envelope waiting for him from Canada, it was disguised as shake powder, but was more likely anthrax considering it was the mole people. Apparently his girlfriend (who also fucks other people) tweeted about getting bent over, hair pulled, and being fucked from behind – but he doesn’t want to talk about if he’s done her doggy style, though, clearly he has now. He was also on someone else’s Internet radio show / podcast with his girlfriend, it sounded pretty horrible and boring so if you missed it, don’t fret. Sounds like he also rode a fuckin bike over the weekend. It’s like that whole “race against Tiger Ellis” really got to him.

merm

Instead of Hollywood news, I give you… THE MERM! A perm with a mullet!

Hollywood news time, George Clooney is single again, doesn’t that make your dick moist? 50 Cent sent some shitty text messages to his 15 year-old son, doesn’t that make your dick dry again? Lauryn Hill is starting her 3 month prison sentence for not paying her taxes, doesn’t that make your dick not care? Jay-Z’s favorite cereal is Cap’n Crunch, Dingo doesn’t eat cereal, doesn’t that make your dick shredded? More important than Hollywood news, Tully flushed his flip cam down the toilet over the weekend, shit got real. There was some more shit, I mean Hollywood news, but who really cares. Time for Rawdog to do his workout and make those sexy grunts of his as a precursor to his even sexier barfing noises. You can tell the testosterone is kicking in because he was telling Dingo to basically fuck off right after his workout. Then he took off his shirt so he could flex and show off all his newly grown stud muscles. One day, I picture Rawdog coming in all jacked up and ready to punch everyone in the dick.

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A man’s breakfast, because we’re manly men!

Holy shit, some soccer referee stabbed a player during a game, then the players beat the shit out of the referee, stoned him, quartered him, behead him, and put his head on a fucking stick. That just upped soccer’s stocks in my book. Planes, trains, and automobiles. All them shits crashed over the weekend, which the only thing more surprising would be that them shits don’t crash more often. Moto news time, some people rode their bikes, someone one, someone else came in second, and some other people crashed and shit. If you haven’t been able to tell by now, I had a busy day at work, missed pieces of the show and am too tired to go back and jot down anything I’ve missed. Sorry ’bout that. Maybe this will help make up for it. KFC might be suing a restaurant in Thailand for replacing Colonel Sanders with Adolf Hitler and calling their shit-kickin’ chicken shack “Hitler.” Ellis bought Rawdog a present, it’s a stamp, of the Jewish star. It’s for when Rawdog does something good, Ellis will give him a little stamp. I can tell you’re still upset about the re-cap today, aren’t you? I know. I know. I’m trying to make it up to you. I mean, it’s not like I’m some kind of monster. Maybe this will make you feel better. A man is walking through the woods in a cold morning when he spots a little girl crying. He approaches her and asks “whats wrong, why are you crying?” The little girl looks up, tears glistening in her eyes, and says “My puppy went into the pond and couldn’t get out, so daddy went to get him but the water was freezing and they both drowned, leaving me alone and lost in the woods!” The man further approaches the little girl reaches to touch her shoulder while undoing his fly and says “Well, today just isn’t your day is it.” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/1/2013

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the_eh_team

Not even the “Eh-Team” could stop me!

Okay, okay, I’m back, it’s great to be back and I couldn’t think of a better way to come back than on Canada Day – especially after infiltrating the land of the mole people the week before. Hold the applause, please. What was my mission, you ask? Well, this was an operation with several missions, some of which I can tell you after being debriefed, and some of which I cannot tell you – unless you have the proper security clearance. First, I located and GPS tagged as many entrances to underground mole tunnels as possible. Then I found a crude cell built to hold one Mike Tully. Soon after, I found evidence that the Richmond family may have been involved in treason. And finally, I was to find a cure for moliosis – a disease that causes some Canadians to lose their sense of humor, especially in cases where jokes mention Canada. Oh yea, and the show is back too, after an impromptu cancellation of last Friday’s show. I have no idea what that was about, some say it was punishment, some say it was sickness, and yet others say it was Dom’s fault. Speaking of which, he seems to be missing from today’s show. Did he get 86’ed while I was away? I didn’t hear anything about it when listening to OnDemand.

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Everything except hand jobs.

Did you know woolly mammoths are Jews? They have curly hair coming off the sides of their ears, like Jewish people. “Bleeding” Burger Ellis is in studio today, farting and bleeding all over the place and in a diaper. Rawdog hasn’t told his mom that he’s dating a porn star. Actually, he hasn’t told any of his family, but it’s mommy that’s the big one that might have an issue with it. The other girl he was sliding his dick into, right to the top? Yea, he dumped her non shroom sharing ass to the curb. But only after he pummeled that pussy like trout meat one more time. Here’s something. Tiger got to meet Shaq! And here’s something else. Tully was an honorary Girl Scout for 10 years, sitting in on brownie meetings and shit, poor bastard. Sounds like Shannon Shenanigans Gunz will be doing the workout with/against Rawdog on Wednesday! Which makes me wonder if she’ll accidentally queef while doing burpies. Jesus, what is wrong with me. Hand jobs aren’t sexual intercourse according to someone from some where. Sounds legit. Also, hand jobs make the world go ’round, along with loads to the face.

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Slave to the McNuggets.

Chris Weidman called into the show today. A lot of people seem to think that he has the tools to beat Anderson Silva and end Silva’s reign as the middleweight champion. He (and other’s) say he’s better than Chael Sonnen and that he will make Silvia look human in a stand-up battle. He seems super laid back and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be mentally broken before the fight. Guess we’ll all find out this weekend when he fights Silva and UFC 162. If you don’t remember, Weidman was on the show before while they were in New York and had his house destroyed by hurricane Sandy. This led us into Rawdog’s workout. Rawdog says that Ellis picking on his shoes fucks up his workouts. So instead, Ellis will sing a song about how awesome Rawdog is while he’s doing his workout. It seemed to help get him focused and motivated, but it didn’t stop the after workout vomit session that he always has.

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Fuckin zippit bloopity shiggy doo a shoopa doopa appah clappah whoogly

The X-Summer X-Games were in Munich, X-Germany over the weekend and blah, blah, blah X-who gives an X-shit. A woman from Arizona was arrested for smuggling drugs from Mexico in her vag. She had a long, thick, chunk of meth in a condom that was so big, it had to be surgically removed. Something about Robin Thicke and dirty words, don’t care. Alec Baldwin got mad at some assfuck who tried to disrespect at his wife and then apologized for it because he tweeted some shit about the gay guy being a queen or something. Pendarvis realized that in the past few weeks, he’s called a straight man a queen – and I think he meant it maliciously and should publicly apologize. Wait. No. I don’t think he should apologize for that actually. J-Lo sang a few songs and some dude died. I don’t know, that’s as much Hollywood news as I’m willing to hear. More importantly, I really want one of those old school pudding pops. Chocolate banana to be precise. Bring that shit back Cosby! And with that, I leave you with this… A priest, pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink. OH!