Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/25/13

Lets talk about our emotions, and how they effect us each and every Thursday. If your getting high to hide your emotions, well that’s not good.  If your using music to feel your emotions well that’s fucking sweet.  Therefore if your high and listening to music, you’ve figured out the meaning of life.  And welcome to today’s show and straight into how Jersey Shore is expanding like Wu-Tang, everyone’s getting their own show on MTV, but not Ellis, FUCK!  No one wants to pick up ol’ MC Hollywood for a season or two?  Not Rawdog, who claims to be from Hollywood but really is better know as Mr. Marina Del Ray, but Ellismate, who is not from Hollywood so could claim to be MC Hollywood, is better know as MC Sanderingham.  Mr. New Jersey, who claims to be Mr. New York, and better know as Mr. Oxford as far as I’m concerned, had to roll the fuck out for a few to get Ellis some Codeine for his Aids he’s getting.  Without Tully in studio, talk went to washer’s and dryers, and of course Rawdog’s dick.  Oh, let me explain that…..you see Ellis just moved in so he needs a new washer and dryer, and Rawdog could use one but doesn’t have the cash for it allegedly.  Oh, and Rawdog is going to his gay roommates party and is figruing out his best lines for getting some stank on his hang down.  So far, Rawdog’s best bet is to quote the average dick size of 5 1/4″, and immediately notify them he’s packing a clean 7″ of Taint Stick.

 

...if your under the magic 5.25 inches!

…if your under the magic 5.25 inches!

 

Apparently all people in South Korea look the same, even in beauty pageants, or so I learned on TJES!  I also learneded that Mike Jasper is pretty fucking gnarly too.  If you don’t recall Mike is the dude Ellis was sparring a few weeks ago on EllisMania.com, the cool one who didn’t beat the shit out of him too bad, much respect.  Dude is a perfect 6-0 in professional fights, but said he did have a fight in Vegas that didn’t technically count in which he did get knocked out, and that’s one he remembers.  Dude’s a warrior, and practices the Dolce Diet too so get it up ya if ya haven’t yet!  I missed about 10 minutes of the interview, only to come back to Joe Rowe using some training mask in preparation for this year’s Bong Olympics, Red Dragons to you my friend!  Back to Jasper the Angry Ghost, and shout out to him for bringing tickets to give to #EllisFam for his upcoming fight May 11th in Woodlands Hills, CA.  He’ll be beating the shit out of Lee Chapman who is 4-8 for another couple of weeks.  So wonder what this mutha fucker here can do on the punch machine?  Well not sure what happened really, maybe he was psyched out from Branden Schaub’s score was less than Ellis’s, or maybe he just missed that stupid fucking star in the middle, but he topped out at a 56.  Hey dude, at least you beat Rawdog!  In MMA News, Anderson Silva could beat Rawdog too, even after his new contract extending him for 12 more fights in all.  Crazy Bones Jones said he’s got some record to set first before fighting in another weight class, in case you were wondering.  Kimbo Slice still exists, knocking MoFo’s out in Australia!  Finally, and most improtantly of all, it was rumored that Ellis’ next fight at Ellismania may be a rematch with Gay Bruediger, but kickboxing this time!

 

Sorry Kimbo, I wasn't saying you didn't exist...

Sorry Kimbo, I wasn’t saying you didn’t exist…

 

It’s that time of year again folks, time to vote for your favorite to be the 2013 Twisty’s Treat Of The Year.  Say hello to Spencer Scott and Karlie Montana, two of the contestants for this contest I speak of.  Apparently the winner gets some money, a diamond necklace, and one grand for a charity of their choice.  Wonder what that charity would be?  “Um, I don’t have a clue, maybe Um animals?”  Let me ask you this EllisFam, do all the dumb bitches come on the show on Thursday’s?  Here’s what you didn’t miss, a four part contest to see who you should vote for.  In round 1, Spencer is proud of her blow job accomplishments, is best at everything in bed, and fucks like Bill Clinton.  Karlie spits load of 34 story buildings in Canada, wishes she had no tonsils to get the dick in further, an thinks squirting is the greatest thing achieved of the last century – guess who won!  Round 2 was phone sex with callers, using voice altermacation of course, but only Karlie was down to phone fuck, Spencer pussed out.  Round 3 was the punch machine, Spencer 36, Karlie 39.  Round 4 was for Ellis to sniff a line of their pussy and judge.  Karlie’s was like America and Monster Energy in one.  Spencer’s, besides not even being in the competition, apparently smelled all fruity and shit, so again guess who won.  4 – 0 sweep, bottom line folks, don’t waste your time on this shit and just enjoy your weekend!

 

Sham-WOW!

 

Hollywood News anyone?  Cops in Stockholm, Sweden say Justin Bieber was rolling with weed and a stun gun, but arrested him only because he was hanging with that Lil Za fucker again, damn Biebs!  Bieber was also late to some photo shoot and another concert, but fuck off ok!  Some dude from the Nappy Roots got beat down by Po Po Mo Fo!  Remember that whole “Don’t you know who I am” from Reese Witherspoon the other day, turns out someone looked up other times that shit happened and Bob’s Your Uncle.  In other Hollywood News, Ellis say’s don’t watch The Crow cause it fucking sucks now, and some dude did a ton of blow in it and got all sleepy n shit, and that doesn’t really happen.  I kinda sorta missed a little more of the show, only to come back to Beanie Sigel, Memphis Bleek and Ellismate all in a cab, shooting it out with Jay Z, all inside of some chics carnival…..but I never did find out her name!  Bruno Mars says fuck Joe’s Crab Shack.  And finally La Toya Jackson says Michael Jackson’s ghost tap dancers in her house, never mind!  Teen Advice, need some, get some – well ok maybe not really, but if you’ve ever questioned whether Ellis, Rawdog or Tully would fuck a clone of them self, No Way for Tully, Why Not for RawDizzle, and Yes For A MTV Show for Young Wing.  For the rest of them, I think Tully put it best when he suggested ‘move to the sewer and become lord of the underground’.  Except for that one 17year old lesbo who’s gonna eventually fuck her teacher, good luck!  And as far as any suggestions for your grandmama, how about five and a quarter inches is all I’ll put in if you don’t shut the fuck up, OH!

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/1/2013

too_bookoo

First time we banged your mom, she said we were too bookoo. But we all knew that was bullshit & sure enough, she took every inch of the entire NYA platoon.

Wassup bitches!? It’s April 1st and that means I’m gonna go full on douche and play an April Fool’s joke or 3 on your asses. Better be on your toes, sisters! So with it being Monday, guess whose in studio today? If you said Uncle Mayhem, you’d be wrong because that ship sailed awhile ago, and Dingo has been coming in on Mondays for awhile now. Ellis was hanging out with old people while looking at a house, the old lady was cool, but the old guy was shaking his head at Ellis. Ellis was all like, “your pants, your belt buckle is on your belly button and I haven’t shaken my head at you in disgust.” He didn’t say that out loud, but he was thinking it – so maybe that old man got the telepathic message – or maybe not. Do you know what ghost hunters wear when they go out hunting for ghosts and other apparitions? Affliction Clothing. Ellis went running for his workout, Dingo has been running, but also skipping the running and instead eating, oh and Rawdog got invited to and participated in an orgy! April Fools, he is still in the friend zone.

missed_payments

In this monetary based world, if you’re not thinking about money, you’re either rich or dead.

Ellis has been worrying about money, so like anyone suffering through tough economic times, he bought 3 motorcycles over the weekend. But hey, he’s looking to move, maybe he’ll be without a pool, a smaller house, and maybe the kids will have to share a room, but things will work out and the kids seem to really like the idea of it all – so that’s what counts. Rawdog had a pround “big brother” moment yesterday. He’s little brother MC McJewyPants started spitting his flow and impressed his big brother with how much better he’s gotten in the past 6 months. Hey, how do you wanna die? Viking style on a flaming boat? Buried in the ground in case you can become a zombie? Burned into a pile of ashes in a crematorium? All this death talk spurred some pretty upbeat conversations, such as family members dying far too soon and supposed crematories that actually just give you a sack of ashes from a month’s worth of smoking in a dive bar. And with that, Tully tried to steer the conversation to a brighter side by mentioning it’s opening season for baseball and some dude in the NCAA broke his ma-fuggin’ leg. When it first happened, everyone was pissing their pants about how bad it was, but that really doesn’t compare to Clint Malarchuk’s accident.

spider-man_tuna_can

Just watch Spiderman or something, you’ll be much happier.

Jon Jones has pulled out of his fight with Chael Sonnen, he just found out he has AIDs and the athletic commission will not allow him to fight due to the potential threat of other fighters contracting HIV. April Fools, the fight is still on. Georges St. Pierre has to back out of fighting Johnny Hendrix because he wants to be in a movie. Chris Weidman is preparing for his fight with Anderson Sliva, while Anderson is busy picking his balls, and learning how to speak like Steven Seagal. Hollywood news time, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers have tried to get her to go to rehab and then I trailed off because I’m so sick of hearing about her that I could literally puke, eat said puke, shit that puke out, eat the puke I just shit out, and then shit it out again and slather it all over my body. And that is no April Fools joke. Kim Kardashian is a big fat whale and her stupid shit sisters have all come out to defend her gargantuan structure and say that she is really pregnant, not just eating ice cream sandwiches. Rawdog can’t pronounce Liev Schreiber’s name, we shouldn’t be surprised. Halle Berry wants a law passed where you can’t photograph the young children of celebrities. Justin Bieber got confiscated in Germany. April Fools, it was his pet fucking monkey. Is this dude turning into Michael Jackson or what.

neighbelline

Is Rawdog going to start wearing make-up now too? Come on, buddy! Confront your roommate, if not for your own sakes, for all of ours!

And with that Rawdog brought out a new segment “See It Or Fuck It”, where Rawdog tells you about the movies coming out and Ellis says if he’d see it or not. First up, GI Joe. Survey says, go ahead and see it. Next up was another fucking Tyler Perry piece of shit. Survey says, if you’re black, you know you’re gonna go see that shit, if you’re white, come on. Next was The Host, it sounds horrible. Survey says, avoid that shit like you avoid family functions. Let’s just skip the rest, they’re all shit. Speaking of shit, Rawdog’s gay roommate clogged the toilet with his massive gay turds, and left that shit there for him to deal with. So what’d Rawdog do? Went to Jack In The Box to go potty. What. The. Fuck. Dude gets steamrolled by women, and now by his roommate too? Confrontation is not in Rawdog’s vocabulary, he just got friend zoned by shit. Pretty much everyone is ready to fly across the country to tell Rawdog’s roommate that he’s a dumb motherfucker and he better cut the shit plunge the shit or next time he’ll be eating it. A university study of people in different phases of sexual activity say that the more sex you have, the bigger your brain swells and throbs.

biotics

Gonna go on a date with a porn star? Both of these are going to be your friends.

This leads us into Eva Lovia (thanks @cogdeth, I didn’t hear who it was), who visited the show today. She’s an astrophysicist who proved the Virial theorem in stellar astrophysics. April Fool’s, she’s a 23-year-old porn star. Her and Ellis were supposed to go out one night and he opted to stay home instead, so they smoothed things over and told each other that they look better in person. Then they talked about when she started fucking, who she started fucking, why she started fucking, and other fucking related topics. She does other stuff too, like having fun and activities. But mostly of the fucking activity variety. Ellis wants to pump her for 6 seconds, she’ll let Rawdog pump her for 6 seconds as long as they’re both clothed. Rawdog claimed he could pump more than 4 times in 6 seconds, completely missing the joke Ellis made about him blowing his load too early. It was Dingo, pound-for-pound today’s funniest guest, who jumped on the opportunity to explain the joke to Rawdog. Poor guy.

suprise_patrick

Why didn’t The Lord take the uglier ones first?

Now is when the show moved to “Women, Am I Right?” and we were blessed with a plethora of even smarter women who do things like; blame trained squirrels for destroying their garden, fall out of their vehicles while reversing, along with many other stories, and why you should spill your man nectar on their outsides, not their insides. This brought a single, mini whorecaine into the studio, or better known as Katie. But she’s not stupid, ugly, or dumb. She is a little weird, but fuck it, she’s hot and has nice titties – you’d totally let her walk over your ass if she was yo baby momma, admit it. While we’re at it, I know you’ve been wondering why you cry so much during sex, it’s from the pepper spray, man. OH! Sorry, I know that’s a touchy subject for you. I also know what’s long and hard on you as well. The fourth grade. OH!OH! Which is also the sound your mom made upon her first double penetration. OH!OH!OH! And that’s what dyslexic Santa says. FUCK IT, I’M OUT!

Show Re-cap For Monday 7/9/2012

Guess who… it’s me, bitPimps! I’m back and ready to lick you where you shit, you motherfuckers! Did you all miss me? You better have. EllisMania 8 is this coming weekend, some of you will be there in Vegas, some of you will be watching on PPV on Ellismania8.com, and some of you will be living vicariously through others. The god-damned A6K is being worked on again, one can only hope that means that it is being turned into a port-a-potty. Ellis has been looking at places to rent and is pretty much letting his 7 year-old daughter pick out the place, so most likely it’s going to have some kick ass shit that kicks all kinds of asses. Rawdog is still putting his penis inside of a girl’s vagina on a pretty regular basis, so shout out to that stud muffin. Ellis still has a hole in his dick from blue balling a whore about a month ago, before getting back with Katie. And dry hand jobs are fucking 6th grade bullshit, and that’s all there is to it.

If you watched the UFC this weekend, you saw Chael lose to Silva. I’d feel like a fucking moron if I talked as much shit as Chael and then lost. Equally, I’d feel the same way if Steven Seagal was part of my fucking entourage and shit. Speaking of Steven Seagal, he looked like Steven Van Zandt, he looked fucking ridiculous. This was Tito’s last fight before retiring, and looks like he made the right choice because he lost his fight against Forrest. In other fight news, a rapper beat up another rapper, amazing right? The Game apparently threw fists at 40 Glocc, and there were a lot of n-bombs thrown as well – but nobody got shot son, so according to Ice Cube, it was a good day. Canada is banning foreign strippers in favor of home grown, beady eyed, whiter than rice on a paper plate in a snow storm, women. I predict the one strip club in Canada will be going back to trading furs and pelts within the next arriving Nor’easter. Oh, and in preparation for his fight with Ruby Renegade, Rawdog will not smoke any pot until after the fight, he’ll just eat pot. Way to put the hammer down and take thing seriously, my man!

Apparently some softballers are into TJES, a whole gaggle of them are listening at any given time so just be aware of that. Some dumb bitch with big tits from Australia turned herself into authorities after trying to commit robbery. I’m not sure why I even repeated that, it’s not news or noteworthy, I mean besides her having big tits. I guess what it boils down to here is that if you have nice tits, I’ma talk about ya. Why do I get the feeling that watching the Playboy channel is like watching Cinemax? Neither have money shots, so basically it’s like going to a strip club and getting a boner and leaving with blue balls, only a lot worse. Would you blow your best friend if they really, really, wanted it and begged you for it, and they were in a really tough spot? I didn’t think so, by the way, I’m not sure our friendship is working out anymore. Just kidding. We’ll always be more than friends, we’re digital lovers. One thing that is no joke, it’s the meat curtains your mom has for pussy lips. They starred in the movie Rocky, in the meat locker scene, getting punched by Rocky. OH!

Ellis on Ferrall with Anderson Silva – 3/5/08 (History)

Ellis mentioned meeting Anderson Silva on The Scott Ferrall Show – 6/26/12

Download (link to MP3)


Ellis got it mostly right, but it was after Silva beat Dan Henderson. Here is the audio from The Scott Ferrall Show where J.Ellis, Anderson Silva & Antônio Rodrigo “Big Nog” Nogueira sat in.

The Anderson Silva interview – 3/5/08

Download (link to MP3)


The full Ellis appearance – 3/5/08

Download (link to MP3)


Show Re-cap For Tuesday 6/26/2012

I speak the truth! Just kidding

Holy shit! Did you guys hear the news that rocked the world today? Rawdog is now engaged to that chick he’s been dating and they plan on moving to Rhode Island because that’s where her family is from, so no more Rawdog on the show and Rude Jude will be taking his place! Fucking huge bummer, but could be kinda cool having Jude on, right? Well that would be some shocking Asia news if I wasn’t totally lying my ass off right now. Really though, he hates hot chicks just as much as he hates MMA fighters, but loves a chick that can twirl a baton. As Tully has speculated before, Rawdog really does enjoy when he gets punched in the nuts with the Hulk hands. This was confirmed today when Rawdog punched himself right in the dick, harder than Tully has ever punched him. In other, actually truthful news, Ellismania8.com is now online and ready to siphon the money out of your pockets. You know how Ellis ran into Big Black while he was in Miami doing the Hooters judging shit? Yea, well now Big Black wants to help judge the bikini competition at Ellismania 8! That’s motha fuckin’ dope, y’all! Do work, son!

MMA makes you gay

Ellis got his A6K back after West Coast Customs had finished fixing it up, the inside looks brand new, has a navigation system for dumb dumbs in it, all the electronics work in it without breaking all the other shit, and now he’s in love with West Coast Customs. Rightfully so I assume. They offered to fix up the outside of the truck as well but he declined, probably a wise choice or it would’ve come back with massive wings and glitter on it or some shit. All kinds of trash talk flying between Anderson Silva and Chael Sonnen, sounds like Anderson is finally losing his shit and says he’s basically going to ruin Chael’s face for all his trash talking. We all know a lot of fighters do this to help sell tickets, but Anderson has never really gotten into the whole trash talking game so it is rather odd to hear him go off like that. Sad vegetables aren’t as good as happy vegetables, which makes total sense when you think about how they were raised. I mean, if the vegetables’ parents were abusive or addicts, one would expect life to be much more difficult for the young vegetable.

Facts about your mom

Good news for @Dutch_RDS, he’s getting his shot to fight at Ellismania 8 in the blindfold shock collar fight – so congratulations to him! Ellismania 8 is getting bigger and bigger by the fucking day with guests such as Kit Cope, Danny Martinez, Kenji Gallo, Gabe Ruediger, Forrest Griffin, Stephan Bonnar, Big Black, Mayhem, and more! You shitheads that get to go to Ellismania 8 are lucky as fuck. I hope you all enjoy yourselves and you better take a metric shit ton of photos and videos so the rest of us can live vicariously through you! 50 Cent got in an accident when a Mac truck rear-ended his SUV, sources say the Mac truck is now in hiding after receiving death threats. Today was new music Tuesday, and fuck all that noise, we ain’t talking about it. That Laura chick that gave Ellis his current voice altimication machine was on the show today to give him another fuckin’ TC-1000 Boner Jam Fucker Upper v2.74 altimication machine that has a touch screen and shit. I want one so bad but I ain’t got $800 to be pissing away just so I can call my wife with a creepy voice.

I got the magic stick

More Wolfknives members called in to get their names today, and according to my accounting records there is currently $2.4 million dollars worth of memberships. Also, I am not an accountant and I keep no records – for legal purposes. Some dude who has at least two ex-wives and is an investigator, watched his first ex-wife have sex with some dude. I’m guessing the whole trust issue thing came into play while he was practicing his Magnum PI skills on her. Speaking of practicing, your mom has been going to the gym a lot lately. After all the dudes are done working out and smooching themselves in the mirrors, they all got in a circle with your mom in the middle and took turns shitting in her mouth. You thought there was gonna be a circle jerk story there, didn’t you? Don’t lie! But seriously, she has been going to the gym and putting the 25 pound kettle bells in her snatch. You have to tell her to stop, people are complaining. OH!