Wanna know why the whole “Women, Am I Right?” bit is completely not offensive to anyone? Cause that shit is true! Case in point to all my feminists out there, this morning when I left the house to drive to work, I pulled out of my parking spot and turned the corner and about halfway up the block a lady flagged me down. Now, I don’t live in the ghetto, but the one house at the bottom of the hill I’m on looks like it may have been transplanted from one of America’s many fine ghettos, and I’m not a completely soulless individual, so if someone might need protection from the 7 AM meth lab crew that allegedly could be residing a stone’s throw away from my back porch, I’ve got enough compassion to remove them from the situation so they can seek proper assistance. I stopped, and this bitch hops in the passenger seat and says “Hey, I need a ride, and I got $10, or maybe I don’t, anyways whatever, let’s go.” First off folks, I’m not a morning person, and I know enough about the city of Oakland, CA to know that this lady is obviously either a hooker or a cop, and considering she just told me she needs a ride but wouldn’t say where to, I’d be more inclined to believe hooker, plus I may not be in the ghetto, but I’m relatively close to it, so there could be some outlying street love sales representatives wandering around. So I promptly tell this girl “I’m on my way to work, so get out” and this bitch has the nerve to start playing dumb and acting like she cant operate a car door and put her fucking feet back to the pavement so I can resume getting 3 miles to the dollar with my vehicle in motion, rather than paying $0.40 per minute leaving it idling in the middle of the road, reminding some lady that just cause I haven’t planted a footprint on her ass doesn’t mean we’re about to go on a fucking adventure or some such shit. Let’s just say I can’t wait to move to Canada, where the hookers have enough common courtesy to ask before they try to get a mother fucker hemmed up for some dumb shit. AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?!!?!?! Anyways, enough about my day, how are all of you? Good, shut the fuck up, collaborate and listen, cause it’s time for my favorite part of the day, the Jason Ellis show! Today’s show started with some talk about Chad Reed, cause he kicked some ass in Supercross this weekend and Jason is a huge fan, so he got to have his geek session and fantasize about blowing him for a while. Tully had a dream that he was bragging to Steven Tyler about some girl he almost had sex with, but then got struck with the realization that Steven could fuck anybody he wants, even that fine piece of ass Liv Tyler. Aside from the good times at Supercross, Jason had a rough weekend due to his lack of sleep aids and staying up too late at a porn convention, and that sounds like the kind of thing that would have pretty much anybody running a little ragged. But despite all that, Jason got the first class treatment at the races and so did the kids, and that’s what it’s all about. There was some talk about how the races went, and I didn’t watch cause I bought Gran Turismo 6 on sunday and did a little bit of racing of my own in a 1988 Volvo station wagon, cause nothing is funnier than a video game where you can spank a slew of rice rockets one after another in a Reagan-Era Swedish land-yacht. Some racer this weekend was throwing punches on his bike at the starting line this weekend, and somehow that has reversed Jason’s opinion on KTM making a shitty dirtbike. If you remember the Episode of Top Gear where the British hosts faced off with the Australian hosts, you’ll remember that KTM’s are great for sheep herding, as are Australians, so maybe they’re not completely worthless. All in all though, it sounded like a great show for everyone involved, and Ryan Villapoto is the Darth Vader of motocross and will strangle a mother fucker with his thoughts, if that’s what the race conditions call for. And Bubba Stewart kicked over Poto’s bike, so surely the Death Star is charging the main cannon as we speak. Chad Reed won though, so the joke’s on both of them. All of this has inspired Ellis to get back on the Dolce Diet and wants to fight at 170 in his next bout, which in this reporter’s opinion, will make Jason so incredibly pissed off from lack of cheese and free time that he will actually snap a mother fucker in half Hacksaw Jim Dugan style. There was more moto talk, including phone calls and stuff, it sounds like everyone was enjoying the whole topic. Ryan Dungey may not have won, but he was a super cool guy the whole time, all signing autographs for the fans and not swearing in front of kids and shit. DISRESPECTFUL TELEMARKETING CUNT! Sorry, they get me at the worst times, and that was two in a row. Rude Jude stopped by to hang out for a bit. Jude apparently has some really fantastic cologne and Tully couldn’t give a fuck less, cause he’s a dad and his wife is Japanese, and in her culture, scents and perfumes are a practice reserved for whores. Tully finished Jude’s book over the weekend and ranked it far above the caliber of Morrissey’s cunt session on paper. Tully’s wife is really into Jude’s story about eating the miscarriage. Just had to relay that, it doesn’t stop being funny. Jude said the whole experience didn’t bother him nearly as much as it should have because when he was growing up, his dad would get super pissed if you wasted food, so anytime Jude didn’t finish a sandwich and threw it out, dad would come in and feed it back to him straight out of the can. The only story Tully has about dumpster diving is one time when his sister got caught in one and he had to climb in and save her (AM I RIGHT??!?!?!? *ahem*). FUCK YOU WE DON’T NEED TOP PLACEMENT ON GOOGLE AND YOU CAN’T MAKE IT HAPPEN ANYWAYS!!! (Sorry, telemarketers again. They’re really breakin’ that ass open for our dollars today. Straight up beggin’ for the dick). Jude was equally inspired after Ellis explained the Chad Reed moto warlord comeback from this past weekend. And WILSON is incredibly creeped out by Jude’s existence, mostly for the fact that the stillbirth he ingested may have given him special black man illegitimate baby powers, like making great ribs and not needing current stickers on your license plate. But Jude still is super powered in his whiteness cause he’s seen the absolute worst that cunnilingus has to offer, so you can show up pissing battery acid and he’ll still nibble that cookie. The guys talked instagram for a bit, apparently Jude is working on getting a massive following and then getting kicked off again, while Ellis still has to check his @-mentions really often to try and keep track of what the fans/anti-fans are arguing about in the comment section of photos of hairless cats and his kids. Somebody brought up drugs in relation to Peet’s Coffee (which is both an accurate assessment, and a delicious brand of coffee) and somehow this made the conversation steer towards how much fun hallucinogens are. As a guy who was pretty much the only person in my high school who had the balls too try it, I gotta say I’m glad I “tried” them all those times, that shit was classic. Except that one time when I ended up paralyzed, lying on the floor in the hallway at that weird rich guy’s house that my brother was house sitting for and all his friends were there and a guy was doing coke and got some phone call that pissed him off and he went and smashed a bunch of shit while I was having a catatonic hardwood floor session for a couple hours. Jude has already gone way beyond that level, he erased his memory for the better part of a week using some Russian truth syrum and snorting massive amounts of ketamine, but that’s just cause he is a mother fucking champion. Jude once was hanging out with a girl who accidentally dosed herself with 30 hits of acid that she thought was liquid breath mints and she lost her shit for a few days, but what kept her going was the comfort of the fact that she might never come back and if this is a party then partying forever must be a really good thing. Ellis knows that he can pretty much never even attempt any of it again, cause some people have a shelf life for their drug use and once you reach it, you gotta cut it the fuck out. The guys kicked around the idea of which you would pick at this point in the game, having a finger smashed under a rubber mallet, or getting dosed. Tully is kind of on the fence, but definitely leaning more towards not having a finger smashed, cause it still feels like there could be some good times to be had with the acid, just that one last go round. Jude wouldn’t even resist taking the acid, just not while he’s on the clock. He’s a true professional, god dammit. Jude spotted Ellis’ bottles of Pedialyte and cough syrup, BUT WAIT THERE’S SPRITE TOO!!! So all the hype is bullshit, cause The Wing is sippin’ on some sizzurp, and not only that, but Justin Bieber is on some super high class $800 a bottle sizzurp like the shit was coming out of his faucet. Jude had to clear up some misconceptions about sizzurp by reminding the kids that you can pop a couple Vicodine and drink a Dr. Pepper and get way more fucked up, way cheaper. Interesting fact, mixing opiates and caffeine will get you fucked up like the highest high grade peyote. We could go on like this for hours, or you can go to Amazon and get Rude Jude’s book Hyena and have yourself a giggle anytime you like. Hey, it’ll keep you from getting your face worn out like a flight attendant. Some lady called in to explain sizzurp, and then explain that she didn’t know what sizzurp is, and then look like a complete idiot for calling in about sizzurp and not knowing shit about it, but another guy called in to clarify what the last lady might have meant and now it’s a dead issue. While we contemplate how we’re gonna allegedly start mixing household substances and medical compounds for spiritual enlightenment, let’s have a little Metallica to fuel our imaginations. After that, let’s head on over to Crue town.

HEY WANNA KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN AUSTRALIA?!?!??!! WELL GET A LOAD OF THIS SHIT!!! On the Australian incarnation of the Today Show, some dudes dropped their buddy in a fucking ridiculously flimsy cage into shark infested waters, cause that’s just how Aussies roll. Now, as you might assume, the sharks basically viewed this party animal like one of those rice candies where you eat the candy with the paper still on it, and promptly attempted to treat him like belated Christmas candy. And the guys who made this whole stunt happen gave some of the most ridiculously Australian commentary on the planning and execution of this event which was thoroughly entertaining to hear. They even invited the news caster to come by for a beer after the one guy renno’s the doghouse his wife has put him in. Some Australian kids made a YouTube video about how to resist peer pressure, cause nobody knows how to make responsible decisions like kids do! And man, these kids really know how to turn down massive amounts of cocaine like they’re trying to avoid dairy for 30 days or something. And the clip with the girl trying to convince the kid to get high is absolutely perfect, because we all know that one teenager who always turned down the chance at a hot girl showing them the slightest sign of affection in exchange for free drugs. It just keeps getting better too, there’s one bit where they think one of their friend’s has overdosed and the most intense reaction is one guy who just says “ah, shit.” If I had time to play on YouTube, I would find a way to make this my desktop or something, cause just the sound track is hilarious. Wilson came in to help Jason do a few Wolfkinves names, today we welcome to the ranks our newest brethren Robo-Whipped, Evil Worshiper, Street Ball, The Long Island Lolita, Buster Brown (which actually is the guy’s real name, so no nickname for him), Blood Goblet, Satan’s Ball Bag, Spermophobe, Gutter Eagle Stab Master, and Diamond Republican! We salute you, you fuckin’ wankers!!! Professional skateboarder Chris Cole stopped by to hang for a while. If you don’t know, he’s pretty much the new Ryan Sheckler, just not quite as southern Californian. I’ve seen quite a few contests and demos that feature him, and he is the fucking real deal when it comes to four wheels on a piece of wood going far beyond what anyone ever thought they could. Chris talked for a while about all of what he came up through to become the grand master that he is, and how it’s great to have a tight group of friends when you’re a kid, but it shelters you from having to learn how hard real life is cause you never get the joy of having your spirit crushed and having to duct tape the pieces back together to drag your sorry ass through another day. Chris has been lucky enough that he still gets to be a kid to some extent, but can handle the grown up responsible stuff when he needs to. And his wife doesn’t say dude, which is one of those really true marks of success. The guys talked for a while about the progression of skate boarding and how just cause you’re successful doesn’t mean you have to be a total prick or a sellout when you’re grown up and have more than one thing to do in your day besides riding that curb at the liquor store. Chris is proud of one particular high point of his skills, he’s definitely good at correcting mistakes. The guys talked a bit about the dynamics of sticking a good run and how Chris knows he’s not robotic and the real world doesn’t allow for perfectly repeatable circumstances every time, so it’s good to be able to adjust when shit isn’t going exactly how you were hoping and also makes for a great looking athletic spectacle. There was talk about skate contests, and stuff, and things, and that’s all well and good. I’m recovering from a wonderful pizza lunch, which is starting to feel like deja vu since I remember writing about pizza last week, and something about it makes me a far less hateful person for just a few minutes of the day, and that’s also how I feel about skateboarding, cause that shit is therapeutic. While Chris was still in studio, Dana White called in to chat with everybody for a while about UFC stuff. Long story short, there’s gonna be some more fights and another UFC real soon, but in breaking news, Dana is gonna be starting a new Ultimate Fighter type show, but this one is boxers only, so if you’re not into all that 5% gay shit that happens in MMA, you can stick with the tried and true brutality that is boxing! There was a little more bro session with Dana then he had to go back and continue mafiosoing his fight organization, so back to Chris Cole. One time, Chris met a gas station attendant who wanted to be Jason Ellis for Halloween, which would be weird if there wasn’t already a Jason Ellis impersonator roaming around Las Vegas trying to be everybody’s friend. This gave Ellis the idea to make a latex skull cap so you could mimic the head tattoo, and those lycra tattoo sleeves that are copies of his own tattoos, then all you need is an RDS T-shirt and a Dodge truck and you too can be Ellis for Halloween!!! The guys talked music for a bit cause Chris is a pretty varied guy musically, but Jason had to cut Katie off all the heavy shit cause her black metal doesn’t mesh well with the fact that she has road rage. There was some interesting talk on music, since music and skating go so well together (i.e. Steve Caballero and Agent Orange, to name one) and Tully thinks Chris Cole’s wife is weird for being into hardcore cause he’s never been all that into any music scene where he needed to worry about dropping his guard at a show. But it was interesting nonetheless hearing about everyone’s experience going to shows and fighting security guards and whose fingerwork they pay attention to when they’re watching somebody perform. The talk turned to parenting for a bit, cause as we all know, Jason is a dad and so is Chris, and Tully is the fucking super dad of a McGook baby who will stomp out the city of Tokyo with a handle of Johnnie Walker in his hands at all times one day in his not so distant future. There was a quick return to moto talk cause Chris is planning on going to Supercross this soon, so coordinating with Ellis about meeting up and being awesome with their kids seemed like it was worth planning, plus Ellis had to give Chris a bit of shit cause he’s too scared to try and jump a dirtbike but he’ll skate his balls and shaft off all day and night. And Chris can’t surf either cause he’s got shit for lung capacity, so it’s just one more strike against him being an awesome athlete, even though it’s been proven time and time again that he is. Surprisingly enough though, his punching skills landed him a spot on the wall just above Dr. Drew and just below Mike Jasper, so not all too terrible really. All this from a guy that doesn’t train in the slightest, just shreds all day and hangs out with his family when he’s not on tour, which is kind of everybody’s dream to some degree, I think. Shout out to the Cobra, let’s take a few minutes to regroup and have a bicycle race with Freddie Mercury.

Chris Cole mentioned that he knows a girl who’s awesome at moto, and this prompted the guys to bring up a video of a little Russian girl who is absolutely adorable, but she’s also a ridiculously high level boxer for someone who’s not even out of kindergarten. And much like the whole theory of EllisMania, we do love an underdog, and if there’s ever an underdog, it’s children. Tully knows that one day he’s gonna get some equipment around the house and maybe slap the pads with Linsanity, and that one day he’s gonna catch a hot one full of the combined geneoligy of drunken bar brawlers and centuries old martial artists, and on that day, Tully will murder his son, but not before casting a hex that will revive him to be a five year old abuse victim for all of eternity. And while that’s going on, the Russians are still being anti gay assholes and the Olympics are only getting closer, which means the figure skating couples is gonna get really awkward for Vladimir Putin when somebody gets hoisted in the air by the dick with the other skater’s mouth during a triple axle. Jetta put together a game for the guys to play, but not before Ellis and Pendarvis hammered out an idea for Chad Reed’s new signature cereal, Speedie Reedie’s, cause even pro motocross riders need breakfast, and you can be a sick cunt too kids, just stay focused, wide open, and eat your Reedie’s. The guys also kicked around the idea of making a Monster energy cereal too, but that might be a bad move cause they’re kind of getting looked at sideways lately cause they’re marketing to kids almost as hard as big tobacco used to do. So, the game, it’s the Etsy game again, if you don’t remember last time, Jason did all his Christmas shopping on Etsy cause people sell some wacky shit there and Katie really needed some taxidermied animals and a fox tail butt plug. The game is to guess how much stuff is selling for, like pornographic press on nails with cocks on every single one which are going for $25 a set, or a black tar foetus sculpture, roughly one foot tall, complete with dirty needles and broken glass, which you can own for a respectable $185 out the door. Or even a dissected unborn mummified baby pig, which you could accent your entertainment center with all for the low price of $67.99. And how can we forget to mention the Victorian Steampunk bustier, cause the steampunk thing refuses to die and there’s money to be made on this crap, specifically $125 for this poorly facelifted Victoria’s Secret gem. And no wall treatment is complete without a plaque of dead baby arms! Add style and disturbia to your home decor for only $20 and not a god damn penny more! What else could we try to top that with? HOW ABOUT REUSABLE WOOL MENSTRUAL PADS!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!! LEMME CLEAN UP THIS VOMIT ALL OVER MYSELF AND THEN I’LL TAKE YOUR $13.50 AND YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF! And how about a snake vertebrae bracelet? It actually sounds like a half decent gift for a few people I know, and if I felt like getting those freeloading mother fuckers anything, it would only cost me $45. Next up, we’ve got some howling wolf pasties, for the classy stripper who works at a go-go bar and sometimes doesn’t feel like displaying all her emotional trauma every night of the week, and now she can keep that under wraps, for a paltry $12 of denial! And coming out of the gate next, we’ve got bright red finger shaped soaps that would almost certainly look like bloody turds as soon as you get them wet, and you can own them for just $6 and have all your friends think you’re an idiot! And if that’s not enough, you can get a moving blinking eye rig for your finger so that you can creep out anybody watching you while you play sudoku on your phone on the bus, and what’s more you can get this anti-poon device for a mere $32 and use the savings on porn. Next up, we have a piss and turd Christmas ornament, cause sometimes you need to leave a reminder for your family of why you never fucking visit, and it’s perfectly attainable at a squalid $6.75. After that, we’ve just gotta show you the maggot infested hair ties, so that you can look like a high class hipster hobo, and like you can’t see far enough in front of your face to notice how fucking ridiculous this shite is, and you can have it for just, well fuck I don’t know cause WIIIILLLLL interrupted to let the guys know that he’s been writing down all the really memorable stuff from the show today and started reading it, poetry jam style. And with no context, it sounds much deeper than it probably all really was, but if someone felt like recording and picking out all these lines, I’m sure it would be far less serious. Then he started ranting about a dead fetus and a toenail with a dick on it, and that shit just felt right coming out of Will’s mouth. And then for absolutely no clear reason at all, the last half hour turned into dead air on the on-demand, so fuck everything, I’m gonna have some ice cream and maybe get to bed at a reasonable god damn hour, so that tomorrow I’ll be clear headed enough that when a stranger tries to get in my truck that I’ll just sidestep the clutch and rooster the bitch.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Before we begin, let me take a moment to congratulate friend of the show and obviously huge NYA fan @emilyinSD A.K.A. Sexual Bowling Ball on the bun of Will Pendarvis bread she is currently cooking in her oven. If you are having trouble coming up with a name, might I suggest this handy dandy name generator?

A silky smooth good evening to you, mongrels. Dudes, have you ever shaved your legs? Jason did this morning and he’s got his leggings on and he is feeling fast and free. I shaved my balls once, and when it grew back the next day it felt like my dick was wearing a cactus for a scarf. Ellis says he thinks Tyler Posey being on the show got him more followers on twitter than any person who has been on the show before. I have to say Tyler was a pretty cool guest, and if you haven’t heard that show I recommend it for On Demand or catch it on Best of.

Piranhas are bullshit! The King and Queen of the West are calling out Piranhas on being the savage creatures who tear apart cows and will rip you to shreds. But upon further interweb investigation, it turns out Piranhas aren’t worth a damn unless you want to slowly pick apart a frog. Tully figured out the myth around Piranhas is because the world was never as connected as it is today, and stories about monsters in the river used to be believed because nobody could prove it. Speaking of piranhas, and pulling legs off of frogs for that matter, Tully used to have piranha and he was told to feed goldfish to it to make them aggressive. Ellis and Tully exchanged stories of having mice and gerbils who ate each other and fucked each other and ate the babies. Tully says he is surprised his parents didn’t think he was a serial killer. Fun Fact: when I was a kid I collected as many salamanders as I could in this little yellow plastic box. I must have had 40 of them in there for about 3 days. I left them outside and when I went to check on them in the morning, and they were eating each other’s tails and feet and stuff. I wanted to put them out of their misery, so I boiled some water and brought it outside and dumped them in it. They went stiff as a board instantly, and I dumped them in the creek behind my house. Ahhh, memories. I was a good kid.

Ready for my first day of school, Mom!

One of my favorite guests of all, Frank Decaro stopped by the show today. They caught up a bit on the state of their dogs, and shot the shit before they got into the heavy stuff. They started talking about the Razzies before they got off on a tangent about Frank fucking a desk chair when he was a young boy. Through organic conversation this brought back the fabled “What Have You Fucked?” segment of the Jason Ellis show. And I would never suspect for a moment that you twisted sons of bitches(yes coming from Salamander Hitler over here)would disappoint me. You, the Jason Ellis fan base are associated with champions who have fucked such things as a honey ham, bologna held to look like a vagina, the quintessential pool jets and couches, a snowman and a can of biscuits. The one that took the cake though was a guy who called in to say when he was 13 he had cancer and had a catheter in, so he couldn’t whack it. Then one day in the hospital, they took it out to change it and he wasted no time in grabbing the IV bags and squishing them around his cock and fucking it. When the nurse walked back in, he didn’t even stop and she said a nice “God Bless You.” Red Dragons to him and the nurse. Fun Fact: Fuck Biscuit is my pet name for your mom’s neck fat.

They played some game where they had to guess if something was a dating site or not. I didn’t listen because I got distracted by children. Not in that way. It’s my kid. Not that that would make it less creepy. Stop it. My kid demands attention and wants to be fed and shit so I had to turn off the show. No, you’re weird.

After the break, the guys talked Razzies for a minute, and realized a lot of it is just head hunting bullshit. Like constantly ragging on Nick Swardson and Adam Sandler because they don’t go outside the box any more. Razzies are lamer than the Oscars. Sandler rules. new movies kind of suck but Sandler rules.

*Update: I listened to it, and it was totally funny. On Demand because I’m lazy!

*Update: I listened to more and thought of a joke. One of the dating sites Tard brought up was SuperiorRace.com and Tully said it would be funny if it was some other race than white people, like they were just taking the throne. All I’d have to say is THANK YOU for the weight off my shoulders, other race. Oh!

So there was a song idea Jason had for Death Death Die! and he and Tully wanted to work it out on the show. The basic idea is that he wants it to be a metal song about doing crunches and burpees and eating celery. Tully fucked around with the guitar and the sound was all screwed up thanks to Cumtard and Will. QUIT SULKING AND START WORKING PENDARVIS!

Segways somehow got brought up according to my notes. And then it got onto golf carts. Golf clothes and golf culture are perfect for midgets incidentally. Golf as a physical game though, is probably not a lucrative career for a midget. There is no way a 3 foot dude is getting par, nor are they capable of climbing out of a sand trap. They’d just scramble on all fours while the earth around them just slipped away from them because they can’t grasp the needed amount friction to get out with their tiny sausage fingers.

Tully says hovercrafts aren’t really hovering. Yeah. But with help from Ellis, and a caller, Tully was proven wrong. Let me say on behalf of NYA: YOU SIR, ARE A MORON. How does it feel Dummy McDumbfuckberg? I bet you still sing the rabbit ears song when you tie your shoes you dumb, dumb Oxford graduate. Sorry Tully, but we don’t get the chance to do this very much. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.

Buy Rude Jude’s book here

Pre-Order Jason’s next book here

I just want to preface this post with a congratulations to our good friend and old school EllisFam member @emilyinSD who recently became pregnant with the second coming of Christ, which I have affectionately nicknamed the #SanDiegoSaviour, AND ALSO has kicked methamphetamines for good. Shout out to you, Emily, now go make that baby free some Jews and turn lake Tahoe into wine so us Nor-Cal folks can have a fuckin’ rager that’ll make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a coma ward. While we’re all making completely unfounded rumors about things and stuff just cause it’s funny, let’s have some fresh Jason Ellis show in the background! Today’s show started with fourteen minutes of Pink Floyd and I demand they refund my time for listening to that crap, and then Jason started talking about what a weird and overly depressing guy Will Pendarvis is to be around. But then, it’s kinda great cause he’s an endless source of entertainment in his own way. Jason is riding a wave of letting himself be a little fatter and this time he seems to be enjoying the shit out of it. Tully was kind of doing the same thing recently, but had to pull the plug on it when he started eying the snacks that were set out for the guests of his son’s birthday party, and he realized they were eating all the sub=par day old shit that him and the wife would never keep around, so he went and got some fresh top quality junk food for himself the next day. Jason has been trying to take all of life a little more easily these days. The neighbors he would normally be ready to grapple with over blocking his driveway, he’s just letting those guys slide. It all just kind of depends how stressed you are, really. Tully made the great analogy of some guy he saw losing his fuck mind on the freeway in traffic, white knuckling the steering wheel like he was about ready to suck a dick for some heroin, and how if you’re day isn’t quite as jam packed you can laugh at that guy, but just as easily turn into him if you end up having a bunch more things fill your schedule later on. There was some more talk about appreciating the journey and some shit, I was slightly distracted by some tasty ass birthday cake so I kinda missed it, but it sounded like something I’m sure someone needed to hear today. Might have helped Billy Corgan get over the crippling emotional trauma of going bald. Jason fell asleep watching episode after episode of Teen Wolf last night to try and get a better understanding of the show’s new friend Tyler Posey. It’s too far removed from the original for me to give a shit, but if you’re the type of Twilight-ey, sparkly vampire obsessed teenager that inhabits most of the young population these days, you should stop reading this and go to bed. There’s probably gonna be adult language that you’re not ready for in this recap. The guys talked acting and movies and TV for a little bit, with special guest WILSON! Long story short, Tyler has a new stalker named WILSON! and he may also be the newest member of Death!Death!Die! Jude stopped by to listen to an aircheck of WILSON and make fun of him with the rest of the guys, but that ended up not happening till later. Jude has been steering clear of all the wonderful substances that give him some of his best stories, but that’s never a bad thing. Jude tried to make it to Tully’s son’s birthday but missed it, and we would have loved to hear the recap of this. Linsanity has been all about Thomas the Tank Engine lately and Tully is convinced this shit is basically crack for children. Jude may not be doing drugs right now, but he’s back on the ho train, which Thomas could never be a part of cause he’s British and a wanker, but he could at least carry around all the schrapnel. Jude is thinking of getting into working out a little more, and Jason was happy to pass along his tips for keeping it from getting boring. Jude kept trying to scare Tully into staying out of the pool though, cause poor people make them way too contaminated with fecal matter. Jude couldn’t sop saying cunt hair so Ellis declared him an honorary Australian and we all have to get #CuntHair trending on twitter. The guys played WILSON’S aircheck from 1995 and sweet shit of Christ it was hilarious. He was basically the announcer for some radio station called “The Edge” and it sounded like that was the one part of his life when he actually might have gone ahead and hung himself on some basement plumbing. AND IT JUST WENT ON AND ON AND ON AND DIDN’T STOP BEING AWESOME HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! Oh, Will. We love you dude. Even if you are shitty at butt judging and make everything way more sad and creepy. Will left to go turn up the internet so the EllisMania feed would work again, and the rest of the guys gave their critique on all of Will’s undocumented talent for radio. There was some talk about ending the Sasquatch debate permanently by sending the Illuminati out to wrestle him into submission and then have him rip a guy’s face off live on the internet. Some dude says he’s already got one, but he’s been revealed for having a fake Sasquatch corpse in the past, so unless you can examine it yourself, don’t go wasting your money at the gift shop in the back of his house. Besides, we all know that Sasquatch is essentially the Canadian Jesus, so after Emily’s done giving birth to the #SanDiegoSaviour, Sasquatch is headed north for some poutine and a Leafs game and maybe a little rapture after all that’s over with. Somehow the conversation turned to Jesus being an ass baby, and I think that’s just rude cause I’m pretty sure Emily isn’t into that kind of thing and the #SanDiegoSaviour deserves a little more respect than that. Jude’s book has been selling like hot cakes and he wants to thank all the EllisFam that bought one, from the bottom of his twisted fucked up heart. Let’s take it back to the early 80’s and regroup after hearing about Prince wanting to fuck us until dawn.

MMA NEWS! Meisha Tate is gonna be back in the octagon on April 19th fighting Liz Carmouch, and since there’s almost no other women in professional MMA, it’s fair to say that this isn’t the last time these two will be squaring off against each other. There was some more talk about women’s mixed martial arts and unfortunately it doesn’t equate to gay female porn the same way men’s MMA does, so I kinda went glassy and contemplated the pizza in my stomach slowly digesting itself into poo and also setting off a wonderful rush of endorphins from all that delicious mozzarella and garlic that went into making it, but Tully read some article about how women’s bodies top out a lot younger than men’s do, so even the fittest of the fit aren’t performing as well at 30 as they did when they were 18. On a sad note though, Cat Zingano’s husband passed away yesterday and there’s rumors it was a suicide, and since that shit is a fucked up ride no matter who you are, we here at NYA extend our condolences cause nobody deserves to go through that. Somebody’s alleging that they want to crank out 57 babies with Ronda Rousey, but she would probably snap the poor fucker in half in a hormone rage while giving birth to number 7 or 8. Just my opinion, if we’re taking educated guesses and making hypotheses or Vegas odds about the whole idea. Ellis wouldn’t let that shit happen though, he’d have those kids living in dog crates and foraging the wilderness for food by the time they’re old enough to crawl. But fuck all that, cause if you haven’t heard, Jason has a second book and it’s getting closer to hitting the shelves every day. He’s gonna be hitting the road promoting the fuck out of it like some old timey medicine salesman too, y’know, like before big pharma took over the medical industry and raped it’s entire customer base, selling you diseases that don’t exist so you have to take medications that won’t cure anything and have side effects that make you need more medication. But Jason would really love to do more TV spots this time around, and not just from people that he already knows, big time people like Conan and that obnoxious bitch Chelsea Handler. The guys kicked around some ideas and turned to twitter and the phones for ideas on how to help market the book and it all boils down to making it more female friendly, cause us men really do need you ladies more than you’re ever gonna need us, so it’s not a bad idea to get in your good graces before the vaginal uprising of 2029 that will certainly be the downfall of anything with a penis. There was one idea to go on a late night talk show tattoo tour and have every single talk show host tattoo Jason’s ass, but the hosts are likely too squeamish to go through with it. Or possibly Joe Rogan choking him out on TV and then having Donald Schultz come in and fire snakes out of a t-shirt cannon at him or some such shit. A girl suggested stealing the social media move from Betty White that got her a guest spot on SNL, but Tully knows from radio experience that the same trick has been used for years by band with fan clubs and doesn’t always guarantee quality of product so most people don’t pander to it. Someone else suggested having a Taintstick Reunion tour, complete with Hologram Tony Hawk and absolutely no music from the later “Triple D” years, but of course that guy is a god damn moron and probably doesn’t realize that all of the same members are in D!D!D! as there are in Taintstick, not counting the guest vocals that are on  few of the tracks from the later releases. The Tom Green podcast was suggested as a possible show to guest on, as well as going on Conan and titty fucking that porky bitch Andy Richter. Tully suggested going on the price is right and plugging the hell out of the book every chance he could get. There were suggestions for racing Jimmy Fallon in the crazy carts, or eating a slurry of fear factor-esque disgusting animal parts, or starting your own late night show and interviewing yourself. The guys took a break to try out some undiscovered Johnny Cash tunes fresh out of the archives of some shit he wrote back in the 80’s way before he was dead. If you like Cash, you probably enjoyed it, but if you don’t like Johnny Cash well then I invite you to throw yourself into traffic and maybe it’ll learn you something.

A guy who may or may not be what is classically known as a “pimp” has filed a lawsuit against Nike for not suitably disclaiming that a pair of shoes could be used as a deadly weapon, after he may or may not have been involved in some sort of physical altercation where an old school Mexican child rearing session took place involving a Nike shoe. WILSON knows plenty about frivolous lawsuits, cause one time he got in a car accident and the lady who hit him sued him for being in her way, cause y’know, women, am I right? The crew  was about to take some time to assign a few new Wolfknives names, after listening to a classic WILSON aircheck of him giving birth to a baby live on some top 40 rock station he used to work for that probably canned his ass afterwards for making a mess in the studio and refusing to pay for a carpet shampooer rental. Not long after, Ellis and WILSON had a little marital spat that even the #SanDiegoSaviour wouldn’t have been able to resolve. While WILSON took a few minutes to change tampons, Tully read off a news story about some hillbilly hunting group that was auctioning off a trip to go kill some super endangered rhinos, TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT ENDANGERED RHINOS AND DONATE THE PROCEEDS TO PROTECT THE RHINOS FROM STUPID FUCKING HILLBILLIES! Cause I guess it’s in their best interest to make sure they’re still around for future generations to kill. Makes enough since, I suppose, and they’re only gonna kill one of the over the hill, out to pasture, on his way out rhinos, not a spry young breeding grade rhino. Perfect fucking logic, like making birth control harder to get AND refusing to teach people about safe sex and using protection. Some guy who’s done a bit of hunting in Africa called in to try and defend it, but was quickly shut the fuck down cause rich assholes are really bad at trying to be worldly and need to knock it the fuck off. A girl with a humongous clit called in to say she’s done beating herself up about her micro penis and has even gone as far as decorating it for Christmas and making the best of what you’ve been given. She even woke up to a birthday hummer from her boyfriend, who has never had an issue with her monstrous happy switch and is happily turning it into his own personal doom spigot.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS! Justin Bieber had the cops show up to his house and there was a bunch of yayo right the fuck out in the open, just proving that he’s well on his way to either joining the 27 club, or becoming a 400lb white supremacist’s concubine in federal prison. Luckily that shithead Lil’ Za is under arrest for narcotics related stuff after this incident, and since the Biebs is retired, he no longer has pop star diplomatic immunity, so he should keep the pipes clean for a while unless he wants to eat jello out of a serial killer’s rectum for five to ten. Kanye West got into some shit with some guy who was trying to help Kim into the hospital while the paparazzi was swarming her at the door, but then the guy started shouting N-bombs and gay slurs at everybody involved and being a general asshole, even going so far as to call Kim a N-bomb lover. The guys kicked around the idea of having angry voyeuristic talking cabbage patch kid dolls and I for one think that it’s pretty much the next sort of evolution in the whole furrie/bronie/bear-and-twink/watch-me-fuck-your-girlfriend-while-you-chain-smoke-and-ream-your-ass-with-a-crown-of-broccoli scene of people who have weird sex that really isn’t as strange as your average person is taking part in cause we’re all kinda fucked up nowadays and want to put our parts on and into things that we wouldn’t have thought to put them on and in way back in the day. TECHNOLOGY!!! Fuck yeah! Making normal people have sadistic sexual urges!!! Doug Benson was supposed to stop by today, but Cumtard forgot to pass along the address to the new studio so it’s unclear if he’s gonna be showing up. To make up for this, the Tard had to spin the wheel of doom and landed on the shock taco, which involves eating a taco while being electrocuted, which is that much worse for Kevin because his body doesn’t react well to onions, and a really well made taco is gonna have at least some onions somewhere in the mix of everything inside of it. Kevin tried to get out of it by offering to piss into his own mouth every day for a week, but WILSON decided that somehow the logistics of that weren’t acceptable for SiriusXM’s insurance, so back to electrocutions and vomiting. If you like hearing Kevin scream in pain and dry heave over shit that really doesn’t phase anybody else, then you probably enjoyed hearing it just as much as I enjoy fucking with recording assisted telemarketing calls regarding top placement for my company on Google, as though that were actually something that could be purchased from any company other than Google. The guys took some phone calls for a bit and they didn’t really pan out to anyone actually responding to anything but SparkleHorse called in and it’s always nice to here from the gay motorcycle mechanic mascot of the Wolfknives. Jason took a little time to rattle off ideas for some of the on air ads for his book and since it’s gonna be on every other channel on SiriusXM, it was a real challenge trying to keep a promo G-rated when a big percentage of the book is all about smashing the gash and shitting in people’s holes, or something like that. But it’ll teach you what haircut goes best with dropping a splattery deuce all over someone’s ovaries, so there’s that. WILSON tried to help with this, and that seemed to streamline the process of coming up with advertisements for a book about defecation into people’s orifices, but still kept it all pretty light hearted and informative for some of us who might not know all the ins and outs of what Jason does to be the guy he is. Jason is gonna become Miley Cyrus for some portion of the book advertising campaign, cause apparently she’s got an album coming out ten years ago in two weeks last month in the distant future a long time ago in a galaxy far far away tomorrow nine and a half weeks from now inside of Mother Theresa’s mummified nasal cavity where the wild things are, and in channeling this Disney star turned pop culture shill, Jason is gonna hopefully get a couple more views on Amazon which should help cover production costs for the new book. Considering how badly Cumtard fucked most of the plans for the show today, the guys were very happy with the outcome of events today and were happy and jovial in the last half hour. Tully had a really surreal moment over the winter vacation where he was listening to the Jason Ellis channel and got an email from Jason and saw his name appear twice on his home screen and slipped into a K-hole of wonderment over the fact that he knows the guy he’s listening to on the radio, and in this particular case he’s not talking about himself. There were some final calls on a whole range of topics like the German language, Cumtard drinking obscure bodily fluids, vomiting while playing the drums, the great new directions the show is taking, Sasquatch being the real president of Canada as well as their Messiah and everyone’s personal confidante and little league football coach, ripping off Tim the Toolman Taylor, and after a long pouty delay, WILSON came back in to do Wolfknife names. Today we got to salute the newest members President Squatch, The Shit Man, Inspector Log, Shit Warrior, ConstiPeyton Manning, Darryl Shitberry, Shiny Horse Log, Alanis Morrishit, The Exfoliator of Shit, Turd Gurgler, Shit Kicker, Kyron Pepper, and Zeus God Lord. The recap guy called in to be dry and boring and that was annoying, but luckily it’s over andeverything before that was pretty goddamn fantastic, so we can just move on and enjoy the rest of whatever the day holds for us and count our blessings if our Wolfknives name doesn’t have the word shit in it…

the way mine does…

Son of a bitch.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,