Wanna know why the whole “Women, Am I Right?” bit is completely not offensive to anyone? Cause that shit is true! Case in point to all my feminists out there, this morning when I left the house to drive to work, I pulled out of my parking spot and turned the corner and about halfway up the block a lady flagged me down. Now, I don’t live in the ghetto, but the one house at the bottom of the hill I’m on looks like it may have been transplanted from one of America’s many fine ghettos, and I’m not a completely soulless individual, so if someone might need protection from the 7 AM meth lab crew that allegedly could be residing a stone’s throw away from my back porch, I’ve got enough compassion to remove them from the situation so they can seek proper assistance. I stopped, and this bitch hops in the passenger seat and says “Hey, I need a ride, and I got $10, or maybe I don’t, anyways whatever, let’s go.” First off folks, I’m not a morning person, and I know enough about the city of Oakland, CA to know that this lady is obviously either a hooker or a cop, and considering she just told me she needs a ride but wouldn’t say where to, I’d be more inclined to believe hooker, plus I may not be in the ghetto, but I’m relatively close to it, so there could be some outlying street love sales representatives wandering around. So I promptly tell this girl “I’m on my way to work, so get out” and this bitch has the nerve to start playing dumb and acting like she cant operate a car door and put her fucking feet back to the pavement so I can resume getting 3 miles to the dollar with my vehicle in motion, rather than paying $0.40 per minute leaving it idling in the middle of the road, reminding some lady that just cause I haven’t planted a footprint on her ass doesn’t mean we’re about to go on a fucking adventure or some such shit. Let’s just say I can’t wait to move to Canada, where the hookers have enough common courtesy to ask before they try to get a mother fucker hemmed up for some dumb shit. AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?!!?!?! Anyways, enough about my day, how are all of you? Good, shut the fuck up, collaborate and listen, cause it’s time for my favorite part of the day, the Jason Ellis show! Today’s show started with some talk about Chad Reed, cause he kicked some ass in Supercross this weekend and Jason is a huge fan, so he got to have his geek session and fantasize about blowing him for a while. Tully had a dream that he was bragging to Steven Tyler about some girl he almost had sex with, but then got struck with the realization that Steven could fuck anybody he wants, even that fine piece of ass Liv Tyler. Aside from the good times at Supercross, Jason had a rough weekend due to his lack of sleep aids and staying up too late at a porn convention, and that sounds like the kind of thing that would have pretty much anybody running a little ragged. But despite all that, Jason got the first class treatment at the races and so did the kids, and that’s what it’s all about. There was some talk about how the races went, and I didn’t watch cause I bought Gran Turismo 6 on sunday and did a little bit of racing of my own in a 1988 Volvo station wagon, cause nothing is funnier than a video game where you can spank a slew of rice rockets one after another in a Reagan-Era Swedish land-yacht. Some racer this weekend was throwing punches on his bike at the starting line this weekend, and somehow that has reversed Jason’s opinion on KTM making a shitty dirtbike. If you remember the Episode of Top Gear where the British hosts faced off with the Australian hosts, you’ll remember that KTM’s are great for sheep herding, as are Australians, so maybe they’re not completely worthless. All in all though, it sounded like a great show for everyone involved, and Ryan Villapoto is the Darth Vader of motocross and will strangle a mother fucker with his thoughts, if that’s what the race conditions call for. And Bubba Stewart kicked over Poto’s bike, so surely the Death Star is charging the main cannon as we speak. Chad Reed won though, so the joke’s on both of them. All of this has inspired Ellis to get back on the Dolce Diet and wants to fight at 170 in his next bout, which in this reporter’s opinion, will make Jason so incredibly pissed off from lack of cheese and free time that he will actually snap a mother fucker in half Hacksaw Jim Dugan style. There was more moto talk, including phone calls and stuff, it sounds like everyone was enjoying the whole topic. Ryan Dungey may not have won, but he was a super cool guy the whole time, all signing autographs for the fans and not swearing in front of kids and shit. DISRESPECTFUL TELEMARKETING CUNT! Sorry, they get me at the worst times, and that was two in a row. Rude Jude stopped by to hang out for a bit. Jude apparently has some really fantastic cologne and Tully couldn’t give a fuck less, cause he’s a dad and his wife is Japanese, and in her culture, scents and perfumes are a practice reserved for whores. Tully finished Jude’s book over the weekend and ranked it far above the caliber of Morrissey’s cunt session on paper. Tully’s wife is really into Jude’s story about eating the miscarriage. Just had to relay that, it doesn’t stop being funny. Jude said the whole experience didn’t bother him nearly as much as it should have because when he was growing up, his dad would get super pissed if you wasted food, so anytime Jude didn’t finish a sandwich and threw it out, dad would come in and feed it back to him straight out of the can. The only story Tully has about dumpster diving is one time when his sister got caught in one and he had to climb in and save her (AM I RIGHT??!?!?!? *ahem*). FUCK YOU WE DON’T NEED TOP PLACEMENT ON GOOGLE AND YOU CAN’T MAKE IT HAPPEN ANYWAYS!!! (Sorry, telemarketers again. They’re really breakin’ that ass open for our dollars today. Straight up beggin’ for the dick). Jude was equally inspired after Ellis explained the Chad Reed moto warlord comeback from this past weekend. And WILSON is incredibly creeped out by Jude’s existence, mostly for the fact that the stillbirth he ingested may have given him special black man illegitimate baby powers, like making great ribs and not needing current stickers on your license plate. But Jude still is super powered in his whiteness cause he’s seen the absolute worst that cunnilingus has to offer, so you can show up pissing battery acid and he’ll still nibble that cookie. The guys talked instagram for a bit, apparently Jude is working on getting a massive following and then getting kicked off again, while Ellis still has to check his @-mentions really often to try and keep track of what the fans/anti-fans are arguing about in the comment section of photos of hairless cats and his kids. Somebody brought up drugs in relation to Peet’s Coffee (which is both an accurate assessment, and a delicious brand of coffee) and somehow this made the conversation steer towards how much fun hallucinogens are. As a guy who was pretty much the only person in my high school who had the balls too try it, I gotta say I’m glad I “tried” them all those times, that shit was classic. Except that one time when I ended up paralyzed, lying on the floor in the hallway at that weird rich guy’s house that my brother was house sitting for and all his friends were there and a guy was doing coke and got some phone call that pissed him off and he went and smashed a bunch of shit while I was having a catatonic hardwood floor session for a couple hours. Jude has already gone way beyond that level, he erased his memory for the better part of a week using some Russian truth syrum and snorting massive amounts of ketamine, but that’s just cause he is a mother fucking champion. Jude once was hanging out with a girl who accidentally dosed herself with 30 hits of acid that she thought was liquid breath mints and she lost her shit for a few days, but what kept her going was the comfort of the fact that she might never come back and if this is a party then partying forever must be a really good thing. Ellis knows that he can pretty much never even attempt any of it again, cause some people have a shelf life for their drug use and once you reach it, you gotta cut it the fuck out. The guys kicked around the idea of which you would pick at this point in the game, having a finger smashed under a rubber mallet, or getting dosed. Tully is kind of on the fence, but definitely leaning more towards not having a finger smashed, cause it still feels like there could be some good times to be had with the acid, just that one last go round. Jude wouldn’t even resist taking the acid, just not while he’s on the clock. He’s a true professional, god dammit. Jude spotted Ellis’ bottles of Pedialyte and cough syrup, BUT WAIT THERE’S SPRITE TOO!!! So all the hype is bullshit, cause The Wing is sippin’ on some sizzurp, and not only that, but Justin Bieber is on some super high class $800 a bottle sizzurp like the shit was coming out of his faucet. Jude had to clear up some misconceptions about sizzurp by reminding the kids that you can pop a couple Vicodine and drink a Dr. Pepper and get way more fucked up, way cheaper. Interesting fact, mixing opiates and caffeine will get you fucked up like the highest high grade peyote. We could go on like this for hours, or you can go to Amazon and get Rude Jude’s book Hyena and have yourself a giggle anytime you like. Hey, it’ll keep you from getting your face worn out like a flight attendant. Some lady called in to explain sizzurp, and then explain that she didn’t know what sizzurp is, and then look like a complete idiot for calling in about sizzurp and not knowing shit about it, but another guy called in to clarify what the last lady might have meant and now it’s a dead issue. While we contemplate how we’re gonna allegedly start mixing household substances and medical compounds for spiritual enlightenment, let’s have a little Metallica to fuel our imaginations. After that, let’s head on over to Crue town.
HEY WANNA KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN AUSTRALIA?!?!??!! WELL GET A LOAD OF THIS SHIT!!! On the Australian incarnation of the Today Show, some dudes dropped their buddy in a fucking ridiculously flimsy cage into shark infested waters, cause that’s just how Aussies roll. Now, as you might assume, the sharks basically viewed this party animal like one of those rice candies where you eat the candy with the paper still on it, and promptly attempted to treat him like belated Christmas candy. And the guys who made this whole stunt happen gave some of the most ridiculously Australian commentary on the planning and execution of this event which was thoroughly entertaining to hear. They even invited the news caster to come by for a beer after the one guy renno’s the doghouse his wife has put him in. Some Australian kids made a YouTube video about how to resist peer pressure, cause nobody knows how to make responsible decisions like kids do! And man, these kids really know how to turn down massive amounts of cocaine like they’re trying to avoid dairy for 30 days or something. And the clip with the girl trying to convince the kid to get high is absolutely perfect, because we all know that one teenager who always turned down the chance at a hot girl showing them the slightest sign of affection in exchange for free drugs. It just keeps getting better too, there’s one bit where they think one of their friend’s has overdosed and the most intense reaction is one guy who just says “ah, shit.” If I had time to play on YouTube, I would find a way to make this my desktop or something, cause just the sound track is hilarious. Wilson came in to help Jason do a few Wolfkinves names, today we welcome to the ranks our newest brethren Robo-Whipped, Evil Worshiper, Street Ball, The Long Island Lolita, Buster Brown (which actually is the guy’s real name, so no nickname for him), Blood Goblet, Satan’s Ball Bag, Spermophobe, Gutter Eagle Stab Master, and Diamond Republican! We salute you, you fuckin’ wankers!!! Professional skateboarder Chris Cole stopped by to hang for a while. If you don’t know, he’s pretty much the new Ryan Sheckler, just not quite as southern Californian. I’ve seen quite a few contests and demos that feature him, and he is the fucking real deal when it comes to four wheels on a piece of wood going far beyond what anyone ever thought they could. Chris talked for a while about all of what he came up through to become the grand master that he is, and how it’s great to have a tight group of friends when you’re a kid, but it shelters you from having to learn how hard real life is cause you never get the joy of having your spirit crushed and having to duct tape the pieces back together to drag your sorry ass through another day. Chris has been lucky enough that he still gets to be a kid to some extent, but can handle the grown up responsible stuff when he needs to. And his wife doesn’t say dude, which is one of those really true marks of success. The guys talked for a while about the progression of skate boarding and how just cause you’re successful doesn’t mean you have to be a total prick or a sellout when you’re grown up and have more than one thing to do in your day besides riding that curb at the liquor store. Chris is proud of one particular high point of his skills, he’s definitely good at correcting mistakes. The guys talked a bit about the dynamics of sticking a good run and how Chris knows he’s not robotic and the real world doesn’t allow for perfectly repeatable circumstances every time, so it’s good to be able to adjust when shit isn’t going exactly how you were hoping and also makes for a great looking athletic spectacle. There was talk about skate contests, and stuff, and things, and that’s all well and good. I’m recovering from a wonderful pizza lunch, which is starting to feel like deja vu since I remember writing about pizza last week, and something about it makes me a far less hateful person for just a few minutes of the day, and that’s also how I feel about skateboarding, cause that shit is therapeutic. While Chris was still in studio, Dana White called in to chat with everybody for a while about UFC stuff. Long story short, there’s gonna be some more fights and another UFC real soon, but in breaking news, Dana is gonna be starting a new Ultimate Fighter type show, but this one is boxers only, so if you’re not into all that 5% gay shit that happens in MMA, you can stick with the tried and true brutality that is boxing! There was a little more bro session with Dana then he had to go back and continue mafiosoing his fight organization, so back to Chris Cole. One time, Chris met a gas station attendant who wanted to be Jason Ellis for Halloween, which would be weird if there wasn’t already a Jason Ellis impersonator roaming around Las Vegas trying to be everybody’s friend. This gave Ellis the idea to make a latex skull cap so you could mimic the head tattoo, and those lycra tattoo sleeves that are copies of his own tattoos, then all you need is an RDS T-shirt and a Dodge truck and you too can be Ellis for Halloween!!! The guys talked music for a bit cause Chris is a pretty varied guy musically, but Jason had to cut Katie off all the heavy shit cause her black metal doesn’t mesh well with the fact that she has road rage. There was some interesting talk on music, since music and skating go so well together (i.e. Steve Caballero and Agent Orange, to name one) and Tully thinks Chris Cole’s wife is weird for being into hardcore cause he’s never been all that into any music scene where he needed to worry about dropping his guard at a show. But it was interesting nonetheless hearing about everyone’s experience going to shows and fighting security guards and whose fingerwork they pay attention to when they’re watching somebody perform. The talk turned to parenting for a bit, cause as we all know, Jason is a dad and so is Chris, and Tully is the fucking super dad of a McGook baby who will stomp out the city of Tokyo with a handle of Johnnie Walker in his hands at all times one day in his not so distant future. There was a quick return to moto talk cause Chris is planning on going to Supercross this soon, so coordinating with Ellis about meeting up and being awesome with their kids seemed like it was worth planning, plus Ellis had to give Chris a bit of shit cause he’s too scared to try and jump a dirtbike but he’ll skate his balls and shaft off all day and night. And Chris can’t surf either cause he’s got shit for lung capacity, so it’s just one more strike against him being an awesome athlete, even though it’s been proven time and time again that he is. Surprisingly enough though, his punching skills landed him a spot on the wall just above Dr. Drew and just below Mike Jasper, so not all too terrible really. All this from a guy that doesn’t train in the slightest, just shreds all day and hangs out with his family when he’s not on tour, which is kind of everybody’s dream to some degree, I think. Shout out to the Cobra, let’s take a few minutes to regroup and have a bicycle race with Freddie Mercury.
Chris Cole mentioned that he knows a girl who’s awesome at moto, and this prompted the guys to bring up a video of a little Russian girl who is absolutely adorable, but she’s also a ridiculously high level boxer for someone who’s not even out of kindergarten. And much like the whole theory of EllisMania, we do love an underdog, and if there’s ever an underdog, it’s children. Tully knows that one day he’s gonna get some equipment around the house and maybe slap the pads with Linsanity, and that one day he’s gonna catch a hot one full of the combined geneoligy of drunken bar brawlers and centuries old martial artists, and on that day, Tully will murder his son, but not before casting a hex that will revive him to be a five year old abuse victim for all of eternity. And while that’s going on, the Russians are still being anti gay assholes and the Olympics are only getting closer, which means the figure skating couples is gonna get really awkward for Vladimir Putin when somebody gets hoisted in the air by the dick with the other skater’s mouth during a triple axle. Jetta put together a game for the guys to play, but not before Ellis and Pendarvis hammered out an idea for Chad Reed’s new signature cereal, Speedie Reedie’s, cause even pro motocross riders need breakfast, and you can be a sick cunt too kids, just stay focused, wide open, and eat your Reedie’s. The guys also kicked around the idea of making a Monster energy cereal too, but that might be a bad move cause they’re kind of getting looked at sideways lately cause they’re marketing to kids almost as hard as big tobacco used to do. So, the game, it’s the Etsy game again, if you don’t remember last time, Jason did all his Christmas shopping on Etsy cause people sell some wacky shit there and Katie really needed some taxidermied animals and a fox tail butt plug. The game is to guess how much stuff is selling for, like pornographic press on nails with cocks on every single one which are going for $25 a set, or a black tar foetus sculpture, roughly one foot tall, complete with dirty needles and broken glass, which you can own for a respectable $185 out the door. Or even a dissected unborn mummified baby pig, which you could accent your entertainment center with all for the low price of $67.99. And how can we forget to mention the Victorian Steampunk bustier, cause the steampunk thing refuses to die and there’s money to be made on this crap, specifically $125 for this poorly facelifted Victoria’s Secret gem. And no wall treatment is complete without a plaque of dead baby arms! Add style and disturbia to your home decor for only $20 and not a god damn penny more! What else could we try to top that with? HOW ABOUT REUSABLE WOOL MENSTRUAL PADS!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!! LEMME CLEAN UP THIS VOMIT ALL OVER MYSELF AND THEN I’LL TAKE YOUR $13.50 AND YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF! And how about a snake vertebrae bracelet? It actually sounds like a half decent gift for a few people I know, and if I felt like getting those freeloading mother fuckers anything, it would only cost me $45. Next up, we’ve got some howling wolf pasties, for the classy stripper who works at a go-go bar and sometimes doesn’t feel like displaying all her emotional trauma every night of the week, and now she can keep that under wraps, for a paltry $12 of denial! And coming out of the gate next, we’ve got bright red finger shaped soaps that would almost certainly look like bloody turds as soon as you get them wet, and you can own them for just $6 and have all your friends think you’re an idiot! And if that’s not enough, you can get a moving blinking eye rig for your finger so that you can creep out anybody watching you while you play sudoku on your phone on the bus, and what’s more you can get this anti-poon device for a mere $32 and use the savings on porn. Next up, we have a piss and turd Christmas ornament, cause sometimes you need to leave a reminder for your family of why you never fucking visit, and it’s perfectly attainable at a squalid $6.75. After that, we’ve just gotta show you the maggot infested hair ties, so that you can look like a high class hipster hobo, and like you can’t see far enough in front of your face to notice how fucking ridiculous this shite is, and you can have it for just, well fuck I don’t know cause WIIIILLLLL interrupted to let the guys know that he’s been writing down all the really memorable stuff from the show today and started reading it, poetry jam style. And with no context, it sounds much deeper than it probably all really was, but if someone felt like recording and picking out all these lines, I’m sure it would be far less serious. Then he started ranting about a dead fetus and a toenail with a dick on it, and that shit just felt right coming out of Will’s mouth. And then for absolutely no clear reason at all, the last half hour turned into dead air on the on-demand, so fuck everything, I’m gonna have some ice cream and maybe get to bed at a reasonable god damn hour, so that tomorrow I’ll be clear headed enough that when a stranger tries to get in my truck that I’ll just sidestep the clutch and rooster the bitch.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,