I just want to preface this post with a congratulations to our good friend and old school EllisFam member @emilyinSD who recently became pregnant with the second coming of Christ, which I have affectionately nicknamed the #SanDiegoSaviour, AND ALSO has kicked methamphetamines for good. Shout out to you, Emily, now go make that baby free some Jews and turn lake Tahoe into wine so us Nor-Cal folks can have a fuckin’ rager that’ll make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a coma ward. While we’re all making completely unfounded rumors about things and stuff just cause it’s funny, let’s have some fresh Jason Ellis show in the background! Today’s show started with fourteen minutes of Pink Floyd and I demand they refund my time for listening to that crap, and then Jason started talking about what a weird and overly depressing guy Will Pendarvis is to be around. But then, it’s kinda great cause he’s an endless source of entertainment in his own way. Jason is riding a wave of letting himself be a little fatter and this time he seems to be enjoying the shit out of it. Tully was kind of doing the same thing recently, but had to pull the plug on it when he started eying the snacks that were set out for the guests of his son’s birthday party, and he realized they were eating all the sub=par day old shit that him and the wife would never keep around, so he went and got some fresh top quality junk food for himself the next day. Jason has been trying to take all of life a little more easily these days. The neighbors he would normally be ready to grapple with over blocking his driveway, he’s just letting those guys slide. It all just kind of depends how stressed you are, really. Tully made the great analogy of some guy he saw losing his fuck mind on the freeway in traffic, white knuckling the steering wheel like he was about ready to suck a dick for some heroin, and how if you’re day isn’t quite as jam packed you can laugh at that guy, but just as easily turn into him if you end up having a bunch more things fill your schedule later on. There was some more talk about appreciating the journey and some shit, I was slightly distracted by some tasty ass birthday cake so I kinda missed it, but it sounded like something I’m sure someone needed to hear today. Might have helped Billy Corgan get over the crippling emotional trauma of going bald. Jason fell asleep watching episode after episode of Teen Wolf last night to try and get a better understanding of the show’s new friend Tyler Posey. It’s too far removed from the original for me to give a shit, but if you’re the type of Twilight-ey, sparkly vampire obsessed teenager that inhabits most of the young population these days, you should stop reading this and go to bed. There’s probably gonna be adult language that you’re not ready for in this recap. The guys talked acting and movies and TV for a little bit, with special guest WILSON! Long story short, Tyler has a new stalker named WILSON! and he may also be the newest member of Death!Death!Die! Jude stopped by to listen to an aircheck of WILSON and make fun of him with the rest of the guys, but that ended up not happening till later. Jude has been steering clear of all the wonderful substances that give him some of his best stories, but that’s never a bad thing. Jude tried to make it to Tully’s son’s birthday but missed it, and we would have loved to hear the recap of this. Linsanity has been all about Thomas the Tank Engine lately and Tully is convinced this shit is basically crack for children. Jude may not be doing drugs right now, but he’s back on the ho train, which Thomas could never be a part of cause he’s British and a wanker, but he could at least carry around all the schrapnel. Jude is thinking of getting into working out a little more, and Jason was happy to pass along his tips for keeping it from getting boring. Jude kept trying to scare Tully into staying out of the pool though, cause poor people make them way too contaminated with fecal matter. Jude couldn’t sop saying cunt hair so Ellis declared him an honorary Australian and we all have to get #CuntHair trending on twitter. The guys played WILSON’S aircheck from 1995 and sweet shit of Christ it was hilarious. He was basically the announcer for some radio station called “The Edge” and it sounded like that was the one part of his life when he actually might have gone ahead and hung himself on some basement plumbing. AND IT JUST WENT ON AND ON AND ON AND DIDN’T STOP BEING AWESOME HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! Oh, Will. We love you dude. Even if you are shitty at butt judging and make everything way more sad and creepy. Will left to go turn up the internet so the EllisMania feed would work again, and the rest of the guys gave their critique on all of Will’s undocumented talent for radio. There was some talk about ending the Sasquatch debate permanently by sending the Illuminati out to wrestle him into submission and then have him rip a guy’s face off live on the internet. Some dude says he’s already got one, but he’s been revealed for having a fake Sasquatch corpse in the past, so unless you can examine it yourself, don’t go wasting your money at the gift shop in the back of his house. Besides, we all know that Sasquatch is essentially the Canadian Jesus, so after Emily’s done giving birth to the #SanDiegoSaviour, Sasquatch is headed north for some poutine and a Leafs game and maybe a little rapture after all that’s over with. Somehow the conversation turned to Jesus being an ass baby, and I think that’s just rude cause I’m pretty sure Emily isn’t into that kind of thing and the #SanDiegoSaviour deserves a little more respect than that. Jude’s book has been selling like hot cakes and he wants to thank all the EllisFam that bought one, from the bottom of his twisted fucked up heart. Let’s take it back to the early 80’s and regroup after hearing about Prince wanting to fuck us until dawn.
MMA NEWS! Meisha Tate is gonna be back in the octagon on April 19th fighting Liz Carmouch, and since there’s almost no other women in professional MMA, it’s fair to say that this isn’t the last time these two will be squaring off against each other. There was some more talk about women’s mixed martial arts and unfortunately it doesn’t equate to gay female porn the same way men’s MMA does, so I kinda went glassy and contemplated the pizza in my stomach slowly digesting itself into poo and also setting off a wonderful rush of endorphins from all that delicious mozzarella and garlic that went into making it, but Tully read some article about how women’s bodies top out a lot younger than men’s do, so even the fittest of the fit aren’t performing as well at 30 as they did when they were 18. On a sad note though, Cat Zingano’s husband passed away yesterday and there’s rumors it was a suicide, and since that shit is a fucked up ride no matter who you are, we here at NYA extend our condolences cause nobody deserves to go through that. Somebody’s alleging that they want to crank out 57 babies with Ronda Rousey, but she would probably snap the poor fucker in half in a hormone rage while giving birth to number 7 or 8. Just my opinion, if we’re taking educated guesses and making hypotheses or Vegas odds about the whole idea. Ellis wouldn’t let that shit happen though, he’d have those kids living in dog crates and foraging the wilderness for food by the time they’re old enough to crawl. But fuck all that, cause if you haven’t heard, Jason has a second book and it’s getting closer to hitting the shelves every day. He’s gonna be hitting the road promoting the fuck out of it like some old timey medicine salesman too, y’know, like before big pharma took over the medical industry and raped it’s entire customer base, selling you diseases that don’t exist so you have to take medications that won’t cure anything and have side effects that make you need more medication. But Jason would really love to do more TV spots this time around, and not just from people that he already knows, big time people like Conan and that obnoxious bitch Chelsea Handler. The guys kicked around some ideas and turned to twitter and the phones for ideas on how to help market the book and it all boils down to making it more female friendly, cause us men really do need you ladies more than you’re ever gonna need us, so it’s not a bad idea to get in your good graces before the vaginal uprising of 2029 that will certainly be the downfall of anything with a penis. There was one idea to go on a late night talk show tattoo tour and have every single talk show host tattoo Jason’s ass, but the hosts are likely too squeamish to go through with it. Or possibly Joe Rogan choking him out on TV and then having Donald Schultz come in and fire snakes out of a t-shirt cannon at him or some such shit. A girl suggested stealing the social media move from Betty White that got her a guest spot on SNL, but Tully knows from radio experience that the same trick has been used for years by band with fan clubs and doesn’t always guarantee quality of product so most people don’t pander to it. Someone else suggested having a Taintstick Reunion tour, complete with Hologram Tony Hawk and absolutely no music from the later “Triple D” years, but of course that guy is a god damn moron and probably doesn’t realize that all of the same members are in D!D!D! as there are in Taintstick, not counting the guest vocals that are on few of the tracks from the later releases. The Tom Green podcast was suggested as a possible show to guest on, as well as going on Conan and titty fucking that porky bitch Andy Richter. Tully suggested going on the price is right and plugging the hell out of the book every chance he could get. There were suggestions for racing Jimmy Fallon in the crazy carts, or eating a slurry of fear factor-esque disgusting animal parts, or starting your own late night show and interviewing yourself. The guys took a break to try out some undiscovered Johnny Cash tunes fresh out of the archives of some shit he wrote back in the 80’s way before he was dead. If you like Cash, you probably enjoyed it, but if you don’t like Johnny Cash well then I invite you to throw yourself into traffic and maybe it’ll learn you something.
A guy who may or may not be what is classically known as a “pimp” has filed a lawsuit against Nike for not suitably disclaiming that a pair of shoes could be used as a deadly weapon, after he may or may not have been involved in some sort of physical altercation where an old school Mexican child rearing session took place involving a Nike shoe. WILSON knows plenty about frivolous lawsuits, cause one time he got in a car accident and the lady who hit him sued him for being in her way, cause y’know, women, am I right? The crew was about to take some time to assign a few new Wolfknives names, after listening to a classic WILSON aircheck of him giving birth to a baby live on some top 40 rock station he used to work for that probably canned his ass afterwards for making a mess in the studio and refusing to pay for a carpet shampooer rental. Not long after, Ellis and WILSON had a little marital spat that even the #SanDiegoSaviour wouldn’t have been able to resolve. While WILSON took a few minutes to change tampons, Tully read off a news story about some hillbilly hunting group that was auctioning off a trip to go kill some super endangered rhinos, TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT ENDANGERED RHINOS AND DONATE THE PROCEEDS TO PROTECT THE RHINOS FROM STUPID FUCKING HILLBILLIES! Cause I guess it’s in their best interest to make sure they’re still around for future generations to kill. Makes enough since, I suppose, and they’re only gonna kill one of the over the hill, out to pasture, on his way out rhinos, not a spry young breeding grade rhino. Perfect fucking logic, like making birth control harder to get AND refusing to teach people about safe sex and using protection. Some guy who’s done a bit of hunting in Africa called in to try and defend it, but was quickly shut the fuck down cause rich assholes are really bad at trying to be worldly and need to knock it the fuck off. A girl with a humongous clit called in to say she’s done beating herself up about her micro penis and has even gone as far as decorating it for Christmas and making the best of what you’ve been given. She even woke up to a birthday hummer from her boyfriend, who has never had an issue with her monstrous happy switch and is happily turning it into his own personal doom spigot.
HOLLYWOOD NEWS! Justin Bieber had the cops show up to his house and there was a bunch of yayo right the fuck out in the open, just proving that he’s well on his way to either joining the 27 club, or becoming a 400lb white supremacist’s concubine in federal prison. Luckily that shithead Lil’ Za is under arrest for narcotics related stuff after this incident, and since the Biebs is retired, he no longer has pop star diplomatic immunity, so he should keep the pipes clean for a while unless he wants to eat jello out of a serial killer’s rectum for five to ten. Kanye West got into some shit with some guy who was trying to help Kim into the hospital while the paparazzi was swarming her at the door, but then the guy started shouting N-bombs and gay slurs at everybody involved and being a general asshole, even going so far as to call Kim a N-bomb lover. The guys kicked around the idea of having angry voyeuristic talking cabbage patch kid dolls and I for one think that it’s pretty much the next sort of evolution in the whole furrie/bronie/bear-and-twink/watch-me-fuck-your-girlfriend-while-you-chain-smoke-and-ream-your-ass-with-a-crown-of-broccoli scene of people who have weird sex that really isn’t as strange as your average person is taking part in cause we’re all kinda fucked up nowadays and want to put our parts on and into things that we wouldn’t have thought to put them on and in way back in the day. TECHNOLOGY!!! Fuck yeah! Making normal people have sadistic sexual urges!!! Doug Benson was supposed to stop by today, but Cumtard forgot to pass along the address to the new studio so it’s unclear if he’s gonna be showing up. To make up for this, the Tard had to spin the wheel of doom and landed on the shock taco, which involves eating a taco while being electrocuted, which is that much worse for Kevin because his body doesn’t react well to onions, and a really well made taco is gonna have at least some onions somewhere in the mix of everything inside of it. Kevin tried to get out of it by offering to piss into his own mouth every day for a week, but WILSON decided that somehow the logistics of that weren’t acceptable for SiriusXM’s insurance, so back to electrocutions and vomiting. If you like hearing Kevin scream in pain and dry heave over shit that really doesn’t phase anybody else, then you probably enjoyed hearing it just as much as I enjoy fucking with recording assisted telemarketing calls regarding top placement for my company on Google, as though that were actually something that could be purchased from any company other than Google. The guys took some phone calls for a bit and they didn’t really pan out to anyone actually responding to anything but SparkleHorse called in and it’s always nice to here from the gay motorcycle mechanic mascot of the Wolfknives. Jason took a little time to rattle off ideas for some of the on air ads for his book and since it’s gonna be on every other channel on SiriusXM, it was a real challenge trying to keep a promo G-rated when a big percentage of the book is all about smashing the gash and shitting in people’s holes, or something like that. But it’ll teach you what haircut goes best with dropping a splattery deuce all over someone’s ovaries, so there’s that. WILSON tried to help with this, and that seemed to streamline the process of coming up with advertisements for a book about defecation into people’s orifices, but still kept it all pretty light hearted and informative for some of us who might not know all the ins and outs of what Jason does to be the guy he is. Jason is gonna become Miley Cyrus for some portion of the book advertising campaign, cause apparently she’s got an album coming out ten years ago in two weeks last month in the distant future a long time ago in a galaxy far far away tomorrow nine and a half weeks from now inside of Mother Theresa’s mummified nasal cavity where the wild things are, and in channeling this Disney star turned pop culture shill, Jason is gonna hopefully get a couple more views on Amazon which should help cover production costs for the new book. Considering how badly Cumtard fucked most of the plans for the show today, the guys were very happy with the outcome of events today and were happy and jovial in the last half hour. Tully had a really surreal moment over the winter vacation where he was listening to the Jason Ellis channel and got an email from Jason and saw his name appear twice on his home screen and slipped into a K-hole of wonderment over the fact that he knows the guy he’s listening to on the radio, and in this particular case he’s not talking about himself. There were some final calls on a whole range of topics like the German language, Cumtard drinking obscure bodily fluids, vomiting while playing the drums, the great new directions the show is taking, Sasquatch being the real president of Canada as well as their Messiah and everyone’s personal confidante and little league football coach, ripping off Tim the Toolman Taylor, and after a long pouty delay, WILSON came back in to do Wolfknife names. Today we got to salute the newest members President Squatch, The Shit Man, Inspector Log, Shit Warrior, ConstiPeyton Manning, Darryl Shitberry, Shiny Horse Log, Alanis Morrishit, The Exfoliator of Shit, Turd Gurgler, Shit Kicker, Kyron Pepper, and Zeus God Lord. The recap guy called in to be dry and boring and that was annoying, but luckily it’s over andeverything before that was pretty goddamn fantastic, so we can just move on and enjoy the rest of whatever the day holds for us and count our blessings if our Wolfknives name doesn’t have the word shit in it…
the way mine does…
Son of a bitch.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,