Welcome to another fabulous Monday on The Jason Ellis Show! Ellis is sick and therefore not live today, so you know what that means… You get a gander at an artist’s rendition of what Rawdog might look like after a few months at the gym!
Dicks, piss, diarrhea welcome to another average Friday here on The Jason Ellis Show. Do you hate other peoples annoying habits like shaking their leg, cracking their knuckles, masturbating in public bathrooms? Tully does and he’ll kick you in
The Sham Wow can soak up nearly a pint of blood after being beaten by a hooker!
the cunt if you annoy him too much. Focus and motivation will make you strive even during a recession because people with that will not settle for anything less, like the Sham Wow guy. Ellis was saying that he wants more actors on the show so we here at NoYouAre are reaching out to all the celebrities that read this blog and ask them to go on The Jason Ellis Show, if you won’t do it for us, then do it for yourself. Kim Kardashian made a quick in studio appearance and said that Khloe has better looking vagina and that hers looks like a roast beef sandwich that was run over by a train of hatchets.
The geniuses in the porn industry have developed porn that reacts to your physical
One out of three has shit their pants.
movement and emotions. It will finally be nice to have someone still trying to blow you while your curled up in the corner crying into an empty tissue box. Speaking of porn, the Nuclear Cowboys have a special EllisFam section at their shows and the only way to get a ticket in that section is to use the super secret code “Ellis.” Kevin presented his comic book quiz today. He worked very hard to make this quiz and spent countless hours making every question perfect. It sucked. The Unsigned Bands segment will be on Monday with a super secret special celebrity guest. My guess is McConaughey.
In today’s Hollywood News, Lindsay Lohan is filming a movie called Canyons or something where she is naked most of the time. This I might actually go and see. Except that according to the panel of vagina experts, Irish chicks have oddly colored and wrinkly pussies. Some drug dealer is suing some other famous dude for stealing his name to become famous, Charlie Sheen is trying to buy himself some Karma points. Taylor Swift got dumped again, but my sources say that it is because she doesn’t have a vagina. My sources are idiots and they drink too much. Quentin Tarantino got pissed at reporter because he kept asking the same shit everybody always asks him, see for yourself.
My plan is working perfectly.
Today was the debut of the never heard before segment, Get The Clit Off Your Chest, where girls can call in and talk about all the shitty things guys have done to them in the sack. Some of the things mention were unintentional ass stabbing, small dicks, two pump chumps, uncoordinated ground n pounders, torn foreskin maguillacuttys, apologetic fucks, premature ejaculating hobos, more tiny dicks. Final calls were mostly about dicks, then my app cut out and the heavens smiled on me so I didn’t have to listen to the rest of the nonsense. But what I did have to listen to was yer mum bitching about how long it takes for her to get her tampons shipped to her since she has to get them specially made, OH!
Extra super absorbent for those loose leaky vag caverns, OH!
No Shit!
Ghosts aren’t real, wind is real, your mom loves anal, and people are dumb. Now that’s outta the way, let’s welcome and old and new friend to the show, Rude Jude and Brockalina. More to come on our new friend, but first lets get to the Pill Mix master and how he still ain’t got his $100 painting from back in like ’98. He also used to know a dude that went to Old Country Buffet, ate a whole bunch of food n threw it up so he could eat more….which means nothing, but it did bring out Tully’s admission to being bulimic in 7th grade, and that he can fit a microphone knob in his mouth. Anyways, let me introduce you to our newest friend Brockalina and how he she it can help you. Next time you in the Hollywood area, you can feel free to blow Brockalina for cash prizes or maybe rent or money for meth, whatever ya need. Of course no puking or no deal. And what about the radio gold it may bring us? But what if the radio was just mysteriously gone one day, well what would they do then? Rawdog would just fall back on his trust fund, probably bang out a few podcasts to keep himself busy. Tully is back to waiting tables and would try to co-write some more shit. Jude’s just bummed about washing windows n selling shit. And for Ellismate, well besides an announcing gig or some shit, its porn….with Dingo!
Brockalina bitches!
Such a sexy bitch that Brockalina – It was almost known as “Oh-Gay Simpson” but the condom didn’t fit, zing! Yeah that’s about as funny as the shock collar pictionary the fellas played. Cumtard and Tully, who wrote the game and studied the cards beforehand, took on Ellis and Rawdog in a battle to the death…..just about, loser has to blow Brockalina, and were all ready benefiting from this fine specimen. Can’t really recap the game in words, but I can tell you it was pretty fucking hilarious, and Tully shocked the shit out of Rawdog, to the point of near tears. Rawdog was pissed, and obviously flustered and he and Ellis got their asses handed to them. It was all suspect since Cumtard wrote the game, which involved pictures such as Jesus, shit, a guitar which wasn’t a fucking guitar, a Red Dragon and more. But a loss is a loss and time to pay the piper, except that Rawdog weaseled his way into making Ellis face the same task, which kinda sounds fair when you think about it. Ellis, being the fucking warlord he is, popped a cherry-mint rubber on ol’ Brockalina and took the whole fucking thing, lips to balls ya’ll, Red Pandas to you my friend!
While visiting dirtshark.com
Hometown News time fuckers, and whats Hollywood without Justin Timberlake droppin some fresh new shit? Destiny’s Child is dropping some stale old shit. Elton John‘s having another kid as is Rosie O’Donnell, too bad not with each other. The Oscar Nominees are out and Big Fucking Mega Boat didn’t make anything this year, so I’m boycotting personally – you do what you want. Check this shit out, Piers Morgan and Alex Jones having a good ol’ tea party type altercation. Finally in Hollywood News, it’s time for Rawdog to take his turn pleasuring the beast. Remember that time in band camp, when Rawdog fucked Sparky (Red Dragons) and used the same rubber twice? Yeah well damn if he didn’t try to do it again and jump on the rubber Ellis was slobbing on. Damn Rawdog, just damn. He got a freshie on, and away young Josh went. Not too bad this go around, better than the Reckoning thats for sure, but certainly a far cry from Young Wing’s earlier effort. Then Josh Hill and Dirt Shark stopped by the studio….check out dirtshark.com I guess, and shout out to Ricky Carmichael the GOAT.
Pest control down south
Austin Lee Westfall, a.k.a Chester Cheetah, is the fucktard of the week! A close second was Byron, a fan of the show who stopped in to meet the crew. Hi Rawdog, n Tully, and Mr. Ellis and holy shit who’s that? Ah yes, Brockalina how could I forget. Bryon will probably never forget today, but gotta give him credit as he took it like a fucking champ…and even made eye contact you creepy bastard. So he got his little trip through the prize chamber to grab what he could and we all got to hear the wonderful stylings on Jizz Cult and his quiz on The South. You just gotta go back and listen if you missed it, skip the moto dudes and jump straight to this. From head cheese to carpet baggers, and lazy man loads to lube sandwiches, Tully just thought they all meant in the butt. I mean really, doesn’t courting a coon’s ass sound like in the butt. Or what does it mean to put goobers in your mouth, in the butt. Pee-Wee Herman is the only person not born in the south apparently, which again in the butt just seems to be the right answer. Did you know that Jizz Cult used to hunt gators n snapping turtles? Anyways the winner was of course, Tully and his ‘in the butt’ strategy, go ahead champ! I personally am going to adopt Tully’s strategy tonight and use the ‘in the butt’ strategy with your mom….and her mom, OH!
Get It Up Ya!
Edward “Ned” Kelly (June 1854 or 1855 – 11 November 1880) was an Irish Australian bushranger. He is considered by some to be merely a cold-blooded killer, while others consider him to be a folk hero and symbol of Irish Australian resistance against the Anglo-Australian ruling class, and it’s Wednesday! Dude died trying to do it his own way, and when that time finally came, said “Ah, well, I suppose it has come to this” – No not Jesus, Ned Kelly. All this from a picture Ellis has and his quest to gain Instagram followers, oh and @wolfmate on Instagram! You do know he is the Vegemite of radio, and Chad Reed is a fucking sick cunt ledge, check him out. Ellismate picked up Rawdog a chocolate covered Oreo cause he loves the little guy, and Tully is infatuated, I mean fucking twisted stuck on the Fist of Adonis. He’d love to pop one on the hood of his car and road trip it, or at least give it to Ellis to put on the coffee table when any boys come over to date his little girl. That should deter those little fucking punks, unlike the measly parking ticket fines that apparently everyone on the show has gotten recently. Tully, Rawdog and Ellis all have had their share of parking violations in the past week or so. What if their were tiers to your fines, stay with Tully, so based on your income is how much your fine would be. The poor would have small fines, the rich would pay millions, and strippers would just have to fuck whomever they owe…..hey its that or a new AIDS for meter maids (Shit that rhymes)! Don’t think it’ll work, here’s a real life example for about $103,000. So good old Rawdiggitydog does embrace his cock suckerness, but is so obscure he can’t admit it – Just see any New Music Tuesday, and any of Arnold’s new movies such as Last Stand or the new Conan.
OLD SCHOOL!!!
Remember that scene from Pulp Fiction with the Bad Mutha Fucker wallet, yeah well this dude is the real owner of said wallet, and trying to be the next President of the Czech Republic, despite not having any political or video gaming background….which would serve him little help in Rawdog’s quiz on, yup you guessed it, video games. Are you curious the game Mario first appeared in, or what IPS stands for, and who is the bad guy in Resident Evil? Or when you fag another player it means you killed them! And you must know the best time to use your shell in Mario Kart. Can you recite the Play Station controller layout by heart? From Zelda to Angry Birds and back to Zelda, you feel a hell of a lot cooler listening to this quiz of Josh’s. While Tully outscored Ellis like 5 to 2, no one was a winner here, not the fans not Rawdog, NO ONE! And if you can’t find a way to listen to a replay (Which are on Friday mornings and on Sundays too on Faction!), then your not trying hard enough you pussy.
Then shit got serious. Look kids, your uncle Ellis has had a hard couple of days lately and just needed to get some shit of his chest. So Tully played shrink while Ellis got it out, fucking no replays since canning Stars 2 (Which had to be done no question!), childhood issues still bothering him as it would anyone, just life ya know. Well of course this concerned Thomas Haden Church who called in on the spot to cheer up and advise his good buddy. It shows man, Thomas is gay for Ellis, I mean gayer than you and i are for him, and thats gay! Of course no call from Thomas goes without some jewel, i give you Tully the “iconic pillar of entertainment”. It was meant for them all, but too bad THC its Tully’s now. Not too bad is the possibility that Thomas has something lined up for the crew in an upcoming horror whore movie. Tons of other callers showing their support, but not the Fake Ellis. That dude is so mysterious, and we got more confirmation this dude is real, well you know what i mean. Callers have seem him in person, tattoo’d n all with beanies n chains on, eating vegemite n all that shit yo! Fake Ellis has been spotted at Ceaser’s, The Riviera, The Wynn, etc. etc. The only way you can tell the two apart is one is a dick, and the other is the sweetest dude ever. Well that and the ink is real on one, and apparently done by magic marker for the other – really dude? Fake Ellis, if your reading this, please PLEASE call the show and rejoice us with your stories and shit, and you’ll be put in the prize chamber.
Will’s Shiny Calf?
Is Steven Spielberg’s mom still alive? Actually yes she is, BOOM! So you know how Tully likes to help give teen advice, well he took it a step further and answered some Q’s from Mrs. Manners. More variety in these questions kids, and Ellis really had to ‘be the bitch’ on this one. What advice would you give a 60year old dude who offered, his niece and her girlfriend, his sperm for a future baby…and was upset when they had a child on their own using a different donor who was NOT in the family tree? Doesn’t matter, just reassure Rawdog you’ll be glad to donate your sperm to him and his future wife, ya know! I must of tuned out for a second cause the show went to a bad place with Will blowing everyone at the Faction Holiday party. Raunchy sex, ball grabbing, Freddie Mercury, and hand twisting BJ’s were the topic of discussion until Rawdog admitted he hates cunnilingus. Despite him being the Master of Oral, and his numerous encounters with Joanna Angel, its just not his thing. Staying out of jail just ain’t Katt Williams thing these days either, as he was arrested again…..in Hollywood News, fuck yeah! What else, ok, Kat Von D bought future ex Deadmau5 a sweet new ride besides herself. Charlie Sheen parties with everyone and anyone, including the mayor of LA. Nothing much in the way of Final Calls, except that Ellis has never had a gerbil in his ass, which is nice to know. However, its not nice to know that I can’t unlive that one night your mom decided gerbils just weren’t doing it for her anymore…..poor Spot hasn’t been the same ever since, OH!
Is this what you imagine when Rawdog is just about to climax and his gay roommate comes home?
It’s Tuesday and so far Sirius XM Online player is working! Yay! Ellis still might have worms, he went to the doctor today to get his blood tested, only time will tell. He’ll either shit out some worms, chew someone’s face off, spew chunks, or none of that. Tully has his own porn viewing standards, and those standards do not include annoying porn dudes that look like jerks, loud, obnoxious bitches that yell a lot while getting banged, etc. Jude stopped in to give his feelings on pills, slapping bitches, and making them eat off the floor. He told us of having a chick over that wanted to get spanked, but he wanted her to do chores, so he took it easy on her until she finished doing his laundry. Now that’s one classy motherfucker! He says he (and she) feel a little dead inside after their done with the humiliation session, but one has to imagine that going into a k-hole takes all that away. The guys moved on to rub-n-tug massage parlors and the various experiences they’ve had. Jude is on a first name basis with most of the bitches working those joints, Ellis has only done it a few times, Rawdog would rather have someone touch his dick that is in love with him, and Tully found out he likes to Yelp rub-n-tug massage parlors. Hey, ladies, good news according to a female caller! Sounds like you can get happy endings from massage parlors as well, you just gotta get so wet you leave visual evidence so the masseuse can tell what kind of mood you’re in.
Canadians don’t lock their doors, American’s didn’t lock their doors until the lock was invented.
We got a “Canadians Am I Right?” segment today, topping the scales was a story of a stolen outhouse with a $500 Canadian Tire reward for anyone with information on the severely missed shit hut. There were some more stories, but no pictures, because Canada doesn’t have camera’s. People draw on the walls of their igloos and inside caves. Did you know Rawdog used to hitchhike in Santa Cruz? He’s been in cars with “some guy” that would take him home from school, sounds a little suspect and a whole lot of crazy. Since you didn’t know that, I assume you also didn’t know there are 17 billion planets similar in size and shit to Earth, just in our solar system! “DANG!”, said Jebus. Does that mean life on Earth is an accident? Does it mean that there is for sure got to be more life out there than just us? Or does it mean that Rawdog does indeed hear his father’s speech impediment and is just bullshitting everyone when he says he does not hear it. Guess what else the Lord gave us today? That’s right, NMT. Word (bullshit or not) is that David Bowie was a nobody until the moon landing and his manager convinced someone that British TV should play his “Space Oddity” song during the televised moon landing, and then Bowie blew the fuck up. Well Bowie released some piece of lullaby shit and we got to hear part of it, and just before everyone fell asleep, Rawdog introduced some Dropkick Murphys. Word (bullshit or not) is that Cullen instantly got a boner and went straight into the bathroom to take care of it. Jason Newsted has a new album out with his band, either the album, the band, or both are aptly and creatively named, “Newstead.” If you wanna check the rest of NMT out, you can go to The Ultimate Playlist.
Just calling it like we see it.
Kevin Garnett allegedly said Carmelo Anthony’s wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. I’m not so sure that was meant as an insult, them bitches are pretty fuggin’ tasty, jack. Now let’s calm it down and release some of that angry frustration that just got dropped on us by the Honey Nut Cheerios remark. It’s MMA trivia time, with Ellis reading the questions and Tully and Rawdog trying to answer correctly. Tully eked out a narrow victory over Rawdog, and all was right in the world again. Speaking making things right in the world, your mom was feeling sick and one of her hooker friends suggested she gargle with mouthwash to help kill the germs, problem was, you’re mom is so poor she can’t afford mouthwash. In her quest for mouthwash, she finds this broke ass Eskimo lady that’s always sitting in the park drinking Listernine, because she can’t afford real alcohol. She asks the Eskimo lady if she have just a shot, the poor lady says, “I’m sorry, but I’ve drank it all already, but I drink enough that I bet I’ve got something that will work.” Excited, your mom responded, “That would be great! What is it?” The Eskimo lady hands her a cup of what looks like coagulated blood and tells your mom to just gargle and then slam it real quick, and she does. Your mom gagged and nearly puked all over the place, she asked, “What the hell was that? That was horrible!” The Eskimo lady says to your mom, “What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can’t gargle with sand.” OH!