I never met a Frenchman that I didn’t eventually come to despise. I suppose that has nothing to do with anything, but it just needed to be said. Anyway, it’s time for more adventures in passive entertainment by way of Sirius/XM satellite radio and Jason Ellis! Jason started the show talking about all the different things he may start trying in order to pick up on chicks as his therapist advised him to do, and it all basically boiled down to being as creepy as society will let you. Rawdog was a hundred percent in favor, as it’s kind of his style as well, and since he is slamming two ladies at the moment, he might just have a half decent strategy. Josh then had to start really backing that lurking on people is totally OK and this started a little bit of a disagreement among the guys, since it’s entirely possible to break a law or two while lurking on someone, and not one of the stupid laws like all those old blue laws people hear about, one of the legit ones like conspiracy to commit murder. I just hope they can sort it all out so that I can FINALLY have a nice peaceful thanksgiving without the cops getting involved JUST ONCE GUYS!!! YOU’RE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY, PLEASE STOP YELLING!!! Whoops, anyway, Rude Jude stopped in to shoot the shit for a while. They talked about tattoos and how to convince people of shit that may or may not be true, like “Thug Life” or “Together Forever”. And they made fun of hipsters, which always makes me happy. Rawdog is allegedly a hipster in Jude’s opinion, which prompted a bunch of really racist and hilarious vocal impressions. Jude accidentally called out Rawdog for correcting ladies when they say angry hardcore shit while they’re blowing him. To be fair, he would wait until after they’re done before fact checking them. Jude O.D.’ed last Sunday on some Russian mind control stuff, and it wasn’t as bad as everybody might think. This got Jude to start explaining his scientific method for all the new drugs he tries. Long story short, don’t do Ketamine to try and cure a case of the hiccups. You might end up losing five days and pissing off a bunch of relatives. Tully explained how he’s tried but just can’t get addicted to drugs. He’s got a nice case of Vicodine enthusiasm and that suits him just fine. Rawdog thinks his music is best when he makes it while high, but he also listens to it while high, so the jury is still out for the rest of us. Juder McDuder is pretty much the undeniable proof that the drug war is over, so whatever you want to roll up, chop up or shoot up, go on ahead and get a whole bunch of it up ya. And don’t go cussing anybody out in flip-flops at a Wendy’s drive-thru, even if they did put cheese on your burger. It’s just sad and everybody’s got a camera and will make you look like a dumbass even if you’re right. Tully stepped his game up and threatened to call the cops on the Red Cross after they kept harassing him for a blood donation. After hearing that Jude revealed that he used to be a telemarketer and if anybody ever gave him shit he would immediately put their name right back on the list as a silent fuck you to that ornery mother fucker that didn’t want his time wasted on some stupid overpriced pyramid scheme crap. Ellis got caught buffing the pig because he left his curtains open and a bunch of girls were watching him through the front window and he didn’t realize it until he was cleaning up. Jude used to walk around Korea town with his blood covered dick hanging out. Lemme rephrase that, he’d walk around IN HIS APARTMENT in Korea town with his blood covered dick hanging out after some period sex. Then he talked about shooting up some shit that made him really tan and horny with some rich guy, once again proving, the war on drugs is a losing battle. Don’t forget to follow Juder Mcduder on Instagram and check out the new Rude Jude podcast Forreally or however it might be spelled. Now let’s get some Akka Dakka going and settle in to this nice afternoon.
AUSSIE NEWS FROM A COUPLE YEARS BACK, YA CUNTS! So, apparently Chopper Reed did a public service announcement a couple years ago about not beating up your wife, and it is probably the best PSA ever for anything. The only problem is he might have been a part of this kind of behavior, so it is a little hypocritical, but at the same time, he’s Chopper fucking Reed and he is trying to turn his life around, and telling the public that an Australian murderer is gonna go full sick cunt on you if you beat up a woman or, god forbid, rape somebody, well I think that should put just enough of the fear of god into people that they’ll think twice before they act, and god dammit that’s a Mitzvah! Also, some radio shithead said that prime minister Huge Tits needs to wrap those jugs up cause it’s “improper” or some such shit, but I tell you what, I’d actually enjoy hearing about politics if there were some titties involved, so I say let them fun bags BREATHE!!! To support commander Milk Mounds, ladies across Australia are tweeting cleavage shots and hanging big posters of them in a show of solidarity for General Sweater Puppies. Then some afternoon interview guy accused her husband of being gay, and she said that was a load of crap and he kept stabbing at her because the guy is a hairdresser, but it’s still bullshit. So, throughout history lots of people have died in some pretty fucktarded ways. Currently, Rawdog might be facing a pretty fucktarded death for not mentioning his diabolical schemes for this new segment to anybody else before jumping right in to it, but that’s probably just a side note to this wonderful taste of strange history we’re all about to be witness to. Anyways, there was philosopher who was looking for a way to preserve meat and ended up trying to stuff a chicken full of snow, but ended up freezing to death in the process. Next, an astronomer with a bladder the size of a hummingbird got wasted as a mother fucker at a fancy dinner and died after his bladder exploded because he didn’t want to excuse himself from the table, and the real kicker is that it took him ELEVEN FUCKING DAYS OF INTESTINAL AGONY before he finally kicked the bucket. After that we heard about Attila the Hun who died on his wedding night after he got stuffed full of vittles and booze and drowned on his own nosebleed. Next up was a Greek playwrite who died from an eagle dropping a tortoise on his head, like a fucking boss, seriously, I need to suffer a comical death like that. If that wasn’t enough, the king of Sweden from a couple hundred years back ate his fucking fat ass to death and fucking exploded like a pigeon full of Alka-Seltzer. Jason got sick of all the historical lies at this point and Tully came to ease the tension by telling us the story of a lady who had a whole pack of stray kittens living in a wood pile at her house and when she called animal control, the asshole that showed up told her that the shelters were full and blasted five kittens in front of this poor fucking woman and her kids, like an absolute bastard. AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE TOO!!! I bet he didn’t even clean up that shit either, fucking public works, making everything someone else’s problem yet again. And if you didn’t hate your kids enough, Sesame Street has introduced the first character who has a parent who is in jail. They created this Muppet that would probably turn Jim Henson in his grave due to the fact that one in 28 kids have a parent in jail. And of course, it’s so they can be a good influence for other kids who may be going through the same thing, and Sesame Street isn’t the Westboro Baptist Church or anything, but it is still a hard pill to swallow for all of us who remember numbers and letters and nothing else being taught on Sesame Street. There’s some viral video going around about some metal head kids and they’re dreaming big and they’re WAY in to it with their band, so if you’re holding out hope for the future of metal, these kids may be it. Also, some girl in Vancouver, WA wanted really badly to go on a spiritual quest in the woods, so she stripped down to nothing but a fanny pack and waved goodbye to her friends and family and has not been seen since, so keep your eyes open for some especially well fed coyotes in that area. Unless she’s become the bride of Sasquatch, in which case you should probably stop looking for her or else Bigfoot is gonna use his retard strength to make a Barca-Lounger out of your carcass.
Andrew W.K. is about to try and pound the skins for 24 solid hours in Times Square!!! And no, I don’t mean jacking off, I mean drumming! And while it may be a few decent drum solos broken apart by a whole lot of filler, it’s hard to see where the party is happening when that is going on. But more important than all that other shit, it’s fucking Tuesday, and that means it’s FUCKING NEW MUSIC FUCKING TUESDAY!!! Starting off, we heard one of the new singles from Kanye West and while I’ve never really liked his music to start with, and if it weren’t for the Gary Glitter sample, it might have been listenable. But hey, Kim did just give birth to Armageddon personified, so he’s still kind of winning. Next was the solo project from Phil Anselmo and it was pretty fucking savage in all the best ways, so go get it when it comes out as a full album. After that we heard Kelly Rowland from Destiny’s Child, and while she isn’t devoid of talent, but I know Beyonce’s dad sure as fuck didn’t finance Destiny’s Child to help Kelly out for a second, but if you wanna hear some real shit about how it all went down, you can cop this album and hear all about it. Next was Jay Kohl featuring Miguel (yes, the guy who jumped on some chick and crushed her spine at a show about a month ago) and it was more of the same shit that makes top 40 worse and worse every few months. Next out of the gate we heard Valiant Thor and they were raging like it was 1996 all over again, but we’re all allowed to wear better clothes, so fuck yeah. After that was the new one from 3OH3! and it was just as fucking ridiculous and terrible as the bleeding cum shart that their last album was. Phish dropped a 6 CD live box set, so if you haven’t seen them live but you don’t want to “get a contact high, bro” you can buy that and be a lame dying worthless hippie in your fucking living room where I don’t have to see it. Next up was the new one from Kalma and they were doing pretty good, just long enough to be cut off before we found out if there was cookie monster voice or not. Some new shit from Mac Miller came out today and it was definitely not the same shit you always hear, but not something I can get into. After that was Sigur Ros and it made me want to stab my eardrums with an icicle. Next we heard some other band that I didn’t catch and then Rawdog’s pick of the week was our old friends The Mowgli’s! And I actually really like them, and their new album waiting for the dawn is gonna be a fucking masterpiece that you should all get before it’s cool so you can shove a hipster’s face in it while you’re cutting his fixie bike in have with an acetylene torch and stealing that sixer of PBR he had stuffed under his arm to try and use for inspiration to write poetry for his hairy vegan girlfriend. This was a great opportunity to play the only song by Machine Head that I could probably ever play for my mom while the guys collected themselves for a bit.
I don’t know about you guys, but I love hearing what celebrities are sticking in their asses and freebasing, which is a perfect time to get a little HOLLYWOOD NEWS all over that glass dick and take a big old toke of. Lil’ Wayne has told everybody that he doesn’t hate America, but his statement doesn’t really make any good points to defend it. Alan Iverson returned his kids to their mom and told that lying bitch of an ex-wife that they were on vacation, as previously planned, and that she could have come to see them anytime, so she can drop the bullshit kidnapping accusations that that fucking cunt nursery known as TMZ has been spreading. Rhianna had to get some stalker shithead off the roof of her house (to be fair, he got lost and just wandered up there completely by accident), but worse than that she’s been raging just a little too hard and needs to rein it back in cause she’s starting to get a case of party face much like Kat Von D. She’s also got an appointment booked at a live-in women’s only sex addiction treatment facility as soon as her tour is over cause she’s having trouble getting over Chris Brown, even though he’s worth more as a sack of loose organs than he is as a musician. JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER can fuck off and die and may be the only reason America ever declares war on Canada, but recently he ran over some dude in his car in front of a bunch of paparazzi, and the guy with the camera light in his face who was blinding him was the asshole who got hit. Johnny Depp allegedly got close to being trampled by a horse, but the video shows that he just kind of fell off to the side of the horse and he wasn’t in as much danger as people think. Bradley Cooper was photographed eating ice cream, cause apparently that’s worth taking a photo of like somehow there’s some contribution being made to the world by some shithead eating ice cream. Katy Perry got served divorce papers from Russell Brand on New years eve 2011 via text message, and my respect for him grew three sizes that day, even though his comedy annoys the living shite out of me. But the joke’s on him, cause she’s apparently got some juicy bit of gossip about him locked away for a rainy day. Finally, Bruce Lee has finally been given a proper memorial by the City of Los Angeles: A GIANT FUCKING STATUE OF HIM WITH A PAIR OF NUNCHUKS!!! The only problem is that they haven’t built it quite yet so they’re trying to raise money to get it done. In an odd bit of things that the rest of us born after the fifties probably don’t care about, the search for Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse is back underway, cause after all this time there’s not too many places to look, right? So some field in Detroit is getting dug up like that’s gonna make a shitload of difference, and the teamsters are patiently waiting to get closure on their greatest organizer. The Chinese have invented a type of stocking that will hopefully prevent rape, and it almost looks like it could work. Some guy rolled past my work in a pair of fruit boots and I wanted him to die. Twitch called in to jaw jack with the guys for two seconds and let Ellis know he got him a room near Pala raceway for the weekend. The guys had a quick match the crime to the picture session and there was a lady who was convicted of death by unlicensed ass injections! Cause, you know how people just love sticking things in their ass.
Ellis started using the shower as another of his main places to slap the ham and he found that, in stark contrast to Rawdog, just hot water will not get a load off of your hands or feet or walls or prostate or wherever it is that you happen to leave it. Rawdog accidentally reminded Ellis that he does have his girlfriend’s number and could FINALLY get the inside scoop on whether or not the Dog has gotten to hit it doggy style yet. But that’s not important, what’s really worth knowing is that New York magazine put out an article about the mistakes men make when texting shit to their ladies. Number one, emoji’s. They are the font of gay sex and 13 year old girls, cause if you text tell a girl “I (heart) you”, it’s like saying “Let’s go get shoes.” Instead, if you’ve already dropped the L word on your girl, from then on out you can say “I love you, homes” cause then it’s like a permanent bro-type bond and we all know bro’s before ho’s. Net mistake is using too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but that’s just a load of bullshit, in my opinion, no on has ever had a problem with me using a shitload of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And dot dot dot at the end of everything is pretty poor form as well, and I can verify this because my boss does it all the time when it should be actual complete sentences that contain information that people can use instead of us wasting our time trying to read his mind and the mind of the customer who just spent 20 minutes explaining some shit to him that somehow got converted to four or five words and…
…See what I mean? Anyways, next big mistake is going on Wikipedia for pretty much anything. But the good news is, if you’re subtle about it you can make up all kinds of shit just to fuck with people and the webmasters won’t catch it. Using hashtags in a text message is also a big no-no #SoDontDoItYouBastards #Seriously #ItsNotCool #LOLwinkyFace #WhoWantsToGoOutAndTearUpAllTheClubsAndMaybeEndTheNightWithAnAngryHandjobInTheBackOfMyCarForAFairTradeOfSomeRussianMindControlDrugsAndAWholeBunchOfKetamineCauseYouKnowHowIAlwaysGetHiccups but if you place it correctly it can be good for comedic effect. So, elephant in the room, Jason has been having a bad day and it’s pretty obvious to the rest of the guys and a lot of the listeners, and it seems like for the most part the fans are trying their best to cheer him up and Tully and Rawdog are doing all they can to help keep him in a better mood. Near the end of the show, Jason seemed to be feeling better but probably not completely fixed overnight. Then again, we’ve all seen him bounce back from this kind of thing before and when he does he comes out swinging like a penis that weighs six pounds soft. Some more final calls came in that were just more examples of why we need education reform. Some people were playing around on Jason’s Wikipedia page and some of the edits put a smile on his face for a bit, so that’s always good. Some dude called in to be an asshole and make WAAAAA noises at Ellis and that brought everything to a screeching halt when it was just starting to get better again, so fuck that dude with a broken stick and we hope the wing is doing better tomorrow.
When I was just a wee lad, I used to go on such amazing adventures, without ever having to leave my house. I could imagine that I was the greatest king in the land, or that I could shoot across the stars in an instant, or that I could create mountains and forests just by waving my hands…The only problem with all these wonderful experiences is that crack wears off really fast and the hook up isn’t always home when you need him to be. Reality is a dick sometimes.
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,
