Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up feeling like you got hit in the face with a sock full of shit? I’m asking for a friend you guys, let’s not go making assumptions about the homeless people I may or may not be paying in copious amounts of drugs to fight in hilarious ways for my amusement. Anyways, while you ponder that, you can feed your brain with more of the most low-brow shit ever by reading my recap of the Jason Ellis show! The show started today with Ellis giving us a quick synopsis of how the show is gonna be awesome and some people have always got it worse than you, so you gotta be grateful for how things are sometimes. And sometimes you gotta call people on their shit too, and be willing to accept it when someone does it to you. Ellis has been working on making himself a better person lately and he’s feeling pretty good about how it’s going. He’s been bringing back those slapping videos he has been known to do on Vine, only now they’re TWO AND A HALF TIMES LONGER ON INSTAGRAM!!! And people are accusing him of animal cruelty for it, but apparently they’ve never heard the Death!Death!Die! song “A is for Anal.” Ellis has been enjoying spending time with his kids a lot more lately, the only time it bums him out is when he’s got them over and the man wants to make him do some dancing monkey type bullshit for his daily takings. Tully was able to chime in on this and say that he also loves kicking it with the McGook baby, but sometimes it can get a little old just doing kid shit. But the payoff is way better than the cost, so hang out with your kids and enjoy that shit everybody. It’s like going to the gym, sometimes you don’t want to, but once you do it you’re gonna feel great about pissing blood cause you tried to lift way too much in hopes of catching some girl’s eye. Ellis talked about how his ex is telling the kids they shouldn’t Google him, but forgot to mention that you can Gizoogle anybody and it all becomes fun and kid friendly. Jason has been thinking that the show is degrading to women, and what better person to bounce that off of than Rude Jude! Jude has also felt like he’s not giving the ladies a fair break, so from now on he’s gonna be talking to his hoes a lot more respectfully and not exercising the pimp hand quite as hard. Jude is also looking for a therapist cause we’ve all got some shit we need to dump and out on the radio isn’t always the best place for it. And of course we all can’t help but turn into our parents at least a bit, so once again, be good to your kids or else they’ll grow up to be assholes like you. The guys all had a pow-wow with Jude and put him on the road to not being a doped up womanizer, and that’s not a bad thing to strive for. But on a lighter note, when you donate to a charity, make sure they feed poor people caviar. That crazy shirtless DJ from Bar Rescue hit up the show on twitter and was acting a god damn fool, so no word yet on whether or not he’s gonna be a permanent installation on the show. Jude has known one of the founding members of Filter for a long time and Jude didn’t even know it, but the guys were happy to make him feel humiliated for not kicking that dude in the cunt years ago. Pendarvis came into the studio to try and play Tarzan off Filter’s nuts for a bit, but it didn’t work and Filter continued to suck. Pendar wouldn’t commit to telling anybody what bands he doesn’t like though, being that he probably needed to take a conference call or catch up on some old Saturday Night live episodes. But we can all agree that Incubus might as well just be a shitstain on the CEOs hands. Some people called in to let Ellis know that the show is not as degrading to women or gays or any other group as Jason seems to think, and if you’ve read any of the recaps on NoYouAre.lixlink.com you know that we’re way more offensive than the Ellis show would ever allow themselves to be, but we don’t get paid for any of it so we don’t have to worry about anyone cutting us loose except for our family and friends, and their opinions aren’t that important in the first place. The guys all kicked around how they feel about how gay people and women are inferior to heterosexual white men with money, but no seriously, they don’t do that kind of shit, that would just be uncalled for. Ellis is mostly on the topic of women because Jason looks at his daughter and can’t help but wonder if the stuff he does on the show now is gonna give her a complex later. That’s a hard one to rationalize, so I’m not gonna try and state what anyone’s opinion on the matter should be. Personally, it’s all about what kind of an example you set at home, cause most people are way different when they’re on the clock. Like me for instance, I fucking despise 80% of humanity from 8am to 5:30 pm monday through friday, but on my own time, I’m probably one of the friendliest people you’re gonna meet. And skanks aren’t all a product of shitty parents, some of them are just born to get fucked, that’s just who they are, that’s just how they want to be. And if they can’t take a joke, well then fuck ’em. Ellis promoted Jetta from intern to phone screener/whipping post. A lady called in to let Ellis know that the show is not degrading to women any more than normal guy stuff, and it’s actually really helpful to her cause she’s had alcohol and eating disorder issues in her life. I remember that’s one of the things that made me really like the show in the first place, that past all of the physical abuse of the less capable (like Rawdog blowing a massive strap on or a porn star shoving a cell phone in her ass (which never allegedly happened even though I remember it really clearly)) that Ellis really does want to do something good for the world by way of his radio show. One way to be better to the ladies, learn how to cook, cause they’re not all gonna like your shitty band, but every lady likes a hot load of something in their mouth (AAAOOOHHH!!!). The guys had a discussion about how the fans aren’t always firing off very well and can’t seem to understand that when an Australian man says “Jason Ellis Show” that means that they have gotten in touch with exactly who they were trying to contact. Some dude got another Rock-topus tattoo and had to call in and share about it. There were some more calls and some of them made absolutely no sense and a couple people brought up Horse Force and we all wondered if Jude slipped us something from the top shelf of his medicine cabinet. And Rawdog doesn’t believe that sluts will sleep with quite as high a percentage of men that most people would think, but that doesn’t make sluts any less wonderful. After all that I think it’s a perfect time for some Alice in Chains and Aerosmith while we all ponder whether or not a cartoon about alcoholic super horses led by a mouse who fight against a cybernetic Robert Redford should actually exist.

DOLPHIN NEWS TIME GUYS!!! FROM A DOLPHIN WHO SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO AND WHO MAY ALLEGEDLY BE ONE OF THE MANY DOLPHINS WHO IS IN FACT A RAPIST!!! Starting August first, there’s gonna be a new channel on SiriusXM online that will be ALL JASON ELLIS! So if you miss it live, you can catch as many replays as it takes to put NoYouAre.lixlink.com out of business! But we’ll always gonna be around guys, jerking off in the corner of the room no matter what you’re doing, just biding our time until we can all collectively Spiderman you at the least convenient time. Jason is gonna be at the X-Games on Friday and is gonna be taking a ride in Ken Block’s rally car to give us a first person experience of just what a sick cunt he is behind the wheel. And just to throw him off his game, Jason may do some semi-homoerotic shit in the passenger seat to really put the fear of god in old K.B. Or just punch him in the face or grab the steering wheel or some low level prankster shit like that, cause nobody’s trying to get killed out there. The guys took some calls on how people tend to listen to the show and whether or not internet is gonna work for them, and it sounds like it should be relatively successful as long as the internet doesn’t turn into a whiny bitch and start making it some sort of a problem. Rawdog watched Sharknado over the weekend and as pretty much everyone else can confirm, Tara Reid may not be dead but her career sure as fuck did, and the guy from 90210 who also did a bunch of cartoon voices and was in that movie Domino about the contract killer where we all got to see  Kira Knightley’s tits, that dude held the whole Sharknado together. But what’s more important is that for the first time in a long time, there’s been a movie that is such a staming bowl of elephant piss that is still successful and awesome in it’s own way. Last one I could think of is the Evil Dead trilogy, and that’s been over twenty years now since the last one. Rawdog played some new video from Beyonce and as much as I try I can’t bring myself to give a fuck, much less like, anything she does. She wasn’t even that good in the last Austin Powers movie for cunt’s sake. The guys brought back the argument of whether it’s lame to have a girlfriend or wife that makes a lot more money than they do, and quite frankly, it’s one of those things that’s only a problem if you make it one. Sure it may bum you out for a while, but once you learn to accept the fact that your dreams are less profitable than others and be happy to have the opportunity to pursue them, than what the fuck have you really got to complain about? Besides, I’ve always been told that you can’t argue with free, so if she offers to cover the bill, fuck it man, go enjoy that shit. Some of it is affecting people’s kids though, and it always sucks when your kid calls you a bitch cause mom is the one bringing home the bacon, but you can always say to that kid “I might make less money, but I can choke you out a lot easier than your mom can” and that’ll keep a healthy level of respect going for everyone in the house. Just as long as you don’t let your wife start treating you the way you would have treated them back in the 1950’s, shit could work pretty well. But don’t worry fellas, we’ll always be better drivers. A few people called in who actually have this dynamic going in their relationship and it seems to be working just fine. But then, not all of them. Cause money basically just makes everybody start keeping it as real as real can get, and if we remember how it went on the Dave Chappelle show, keeping it real can go horribly horribly wrong. While we’re on the topic of keeping it real, Yoko Ono is evil and definitely crazy, but she did say that John Lennon was a racist and gay, and she probably knows better than the rest of us……Just stew on that for a minute guys….She also said he was a wife beater……ponder and discuss, everybody.

So, good friend of the show and one of the founding members of NoYouAre.lixlink.com, BitPimps sent a news story in to the show and the guys were pretty in to it. Basically, there’s a town somewhere out in the midwest that has a bunch of stuff named Hitler, like a road and a public park and some other shit. Turns out they were an actual family who lived there since the 1700’s. And they were really good people too, they made lots of charitable contributions and such, one of them was even the town dentist during the 1940s. And his name was: DOCTOR GAY HITLER!!! I know, we’re all writing a campy B-movie sexploitation horror flick in our heads just hearing it, just please folks, lets not go jumping the gun to get it made until we can scrounge up the perfect cast for it. Somehow Jason came up with the Idea that poor people should move back in to the ocean and evolve into fish people and then they can wage covert operations against the rich every time a fishing boat that goes to catch their caviar accidentally gets one of them in their nets. I gotta say, it’s a real incentive not to be poor if you’re not much of a water person. But fuck all that, cause I think we’ve just added a surprising twist to the Dr. Gay Hitler movie series, Gay Hitler VS. The Fish Hobos!!! It’s gonna be indie movie gold people, and I hereby declare it my own intellectual property so you have been warned that I will sue you for a case of DVD’s if you do in fact make this movie (cause I don’t have the free time or startup capitol to make it happen, so please go make my movie so I can sue you for a crate full of DVDs). But hey, why are we jaw-jacking about all that bullshit when we could be enjoying NEW MUSIC TUESDAY??!?!?! Well, it’s probably because most people don’t enjoy New music Tuesday, me personally I just kinda hate most new music, but sometimes Rumble McTumbleBlumpkin does dig up a gem, so let’s see what he’s got for us this time. And we got three weeks of it today, cause of all the times they nixed it recently, so get yourself ready to crank the “suck” up to ELEVEN!!! First out of the gate we heard the new single from Everlast and I’ve always appreciated his style and this little bluesy number was pretty catchy, so keep an eye out for the album when it drops next month. After that was the new one from Backstreet Boys and if you liked them before, you’ll probably like this one, but if you’re anything like me you’ll wish there was a fast forward button on the SiriusXM internet player (Get on that shit, SiriusXM, seriously). Next up was a new project from Tech9 and a whole bunch of other guys, and it was not too different from a lot of stuff you might hear today, but that doesn’t mean it was bad and the first verse was a banger, so give it a try and decide for yourself. Then we heard the new one from Phil Anselmo and his side project, and it was fast loud and angry, so if that’s your thing and you don’t think Anselmo is a sell out then give that one a listen. Next up was the latest from Chamillionaire and much like most of the pop-rap-dance-crossover shit that somehow makes platinum albums, it’s really obvious that some people couldn’t give a fuck about their fans as long as the check doesn’t bounce. One Direction sucks like a Dyson power ball and is basically a waste of time to mention or listen to but they dropped a new album this week. Then we heard Five Finger Death Punch and like all the stuff they made before, it was a warm, slightly firm turd that took at least seven flushes worth of paper to wipe off completely. After that was Aluna George and I’m sure Rawdog was jamming the fuck out while the rest of us started planning his assassination. Next in line was Serj Tankian doing something a little different than his normal stuff, he’s got a new album that’s all jazz and mostly instrumentals. We heard the opening bar of the song but not enough to judge whether or not Serj should go back to his roots and stay there. Next up was an album I’ve actually been waiting to check out, the new one from Against Me! featuring the now transgendered lead singer Laura Jane Grace (previously known as Tom Gabel) and it was in line with the acoustic stuff they’ve put out in the past and the lead singer’s voice hasn’t changed much, so still worth hearing a few other tracks from it to see if it’s worth buying. Coming up next we heard the new chart topper from Robin Thicke and if I was a fifteen year old girl snorting adderall in my parents’ bathroom while making an appointment to get my fake ID so I could hang out at the club, I’d probably be into it. Then we got a taste of some new metal from the band Mercenary and it had a great opening that was fucked in the ass with a broken champagne bottle by the lead singer. Next track was the new tune from Gogol Bordello and although it’s not the normal stuff you hear being called punk, I like it a lot and Eugene Hutz is actually a decent actor too, so go get a copy. The Hieroglyphics dropped a new album that was a refreshing return to when hip hop was good and didn’t require a pitbull and an AK-47 to be sold in the mainstream. Then we heard a band that I’ve actually seen live called Hunx and his Punx, and yep, you guessed it, it’s full on homo-core (I’m not being a bigot, that’s actually what  they call themselves) and while I don’t hate gay punks, gay punk music seems to be pretty fucking terrible by a pretty sizable margin from the amount that I’ve heard and seen live. Then we heard the new one from Selena Gomez and I’d prefer it if she’d stay away from a fucking microphone until she’s a truly cold fucking corpse. Finally we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week which was a band called Fuck buttons and while Tussin Wolf was getting a side arm, the rest of us were purchasing a side arm. Tully found a news story about a football player who had a contract with his girlfriend that if he ever got her pregnant that she would get an abortion and he would bay her $25,000 and stay with her for another year. Then Rawdog started trying to justify how awesome his shitty indie band was and Tully cut him off by asking us all “Do you remember how stupid republicans are?” And after all that music, what better than a quick break for some music that was made when music was still good? Like Jimi Hendrix and the original Van Halen (before the Red Rocker came and had his period all over the band).

Hey BITCH! In particular, the bitch in North Carolina who had it coming when he got arrested for throwing pizza at his girlfriend cause she left the bathroom floor wet. Meanwhile, in South Carolina, another bitch ALSO got arrested for throwing pizza at his girlfriend. I got one question for these bitches, why the fuck is bitches so mothafuckin’ cray cray? We’ll probably never know. But in Hollywood news, we can hear all about what’s happening here in the real world! Like how the Gay Jewish White supremacist who was stalking Anderson Cooper has finally been arrested. Also, Sylvester Stallone tweeted that there’s gonna be an Expendables 3 with 2 new stars, Victor Ortiz and Ronda Rousey, making yet another fighter/actor crossover film that’s probably not gonna amount to much in the long run. Stallone also announced that he’s gonna play rocky one last time in a spinoff as the coach of Apollo Creed’s grandson. Unfortunately though, there’s also a stage musical of Rocky is also making it’s way across Europe right now, so if you were looking for a good day to kill yourself, it would be opening day of that show in your town. In sadder news, Johnny Depp is pretty seriously considering retirement (cause you can’t be Tim Burton’s go-to guy forever) and so is Quentin Tarantino who I will miss dearly because he’s one of the last guys who still has some god damn respect for what movies are supposed to be. Greg Hetson from Bad Religion is definitely still punk rock as fuck, because him and his wife are both saying that the other one is letting arguments go to blows, but his stories seem a lot more believable just for the strange shit he says that she’s been doing, like shoving an apple down his throat and attacking him with hockey equipment and stealing money from their joint bank account. If it is true, I would personally love to see Greg and Brett come down there and go 1983 all over the situation, but we can’t all get everything we wish for. The guy from Puddle Of Mudd is back in action, this time he took a power saw to his neighbor’s deck cause it just barely spilled onto his property or some such shit. And Ice-T really wants you to see him without a shirt. So, go ahead and do that I guess. And two of the guys from Queen are busy right now working on a couple of songs that Freddy Mercury did with Michael Jackson right before he died. The guys took some phone calls that were not all completely ridiculous. there was talk of the Fish Hobos and just what there physical capabilities would be on land and how much of a threat they would really be to the rest of us. The guys were talking about the TV shows Bar Rescue and Kitchen Nightmares, and (shocker of all shockers, like somehow having three fingers in each whole but it’s only one hand) there’s only been a 10% success rate of all the restaurants that have been on Kitchen nightmares since the show started. Fuck you in the face hole, Gordon Ramsey. And in sadder news for those of us who grew up in the 90’s, Sam Simon, co-creator of The Simpsons, is dying of cancer, but the silver lining is that he’s incredibly rich and he’s donating a pretty good amount of it to feeding the hungry and rescuing animals. DMX got another DUI, which is barely even news anymore. And if you haven’t heard anything about Lindsay Lohan in a while, just a quick update, Ellis wants to try the 40 donut challenge again, but will settle for ten donuts and a coffee and some fucking peace and quiet. Pendarvis is a bastard and suggested that Jason shit all over the passenger seat of Ken Block’s car because that wouldn’t be the most disrespectful thing a person could do to one of their oldest friends or anything. Kelly from Destiny’s Child got lost at sea when the guy running her yacht completely lost his sense of direction and had to call the coast guard. Some more people called in to suggest new fights for EllisMania and a couple were half decent and some were definitely the product of a pack of savage fucktards. Then there were some other calls that were essentially pointless. Except for the text that Thomas Haden Church sent in to suggest a fight at EllisMania where two guys are wearing humongous diving flippers. Might be awesome to see, but a pretty high potential for error. The idea was suggested that one big guy hold one little guy and it becomes like Kuato VS. Kuato in a rather interesting fight. Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan, she published some list of a hundred people she knows and has whittled it down to a bunch of people she wants to get the fuck off her coat tails. Amanda Bynes got 5150’d after she started a fire in her neighbor’s driveway and running away with the ladies dog and some other shit, some people are saying she’s crazy, some people are saying that all the people trying to help her are WHY she’s crazy, I don’t have any real gripe with her but if she really is nuts I hope she gets some help, cause I’ve been around people going through that and it sure doesn’t look like fun. Final calls kept rolling through, and it was all about people shitting their pants and some other bull shite and nobody can seem to answer when someone says “Hello” and the whole final calls thing still isn’t getting through to anybody. And some asshole suggested having a cancer patient fight a veteran, like somehow there’s a good one to root against or something. But fuck it, it’s tuesday, I get paid tomorrow, and I don’t have to unclog the drain if I go home and jerk off in my shower so much that the wad clogs up everyone on the same floor of my apartment building.

In my youth, I can clearly remember that first day of school every fall.

It was the one day a year that I always had to submit to a paternity test. At least once throughout the day.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Holla atcha boy, bitches! It’s recap time yet again and god damn if my knob ain’t getting sticky just thinking about it. Ellis was off yesterday cause he was feeling a little flu-ey, and he took today off again! Cause nobody gets over the flu overnight, ya dumb fuck! That’s why it still kills old people. And while we’re on the topic of old people, have you ever had one of your friends moms give you a boner? On purpose or otherwise, I’m just wondering. None of my friends had moms that were all too attractive to me, but one buddy of mine had a totally fuckable sister. I’ve met a few extended relatives of some of my friends too and the genes are not too shabby. I never fucked any of them though, would have been too close to home, like banging one of your own relatives or something. Yes folks, this is exactly how my mind jumps around during the day, I can go from talking about an afternoon radio show to banging an extended family member just that quick.

To quote a sticker I saw on the wall of a punk rock club “We all come into this world naked, screaming and covered in someone else’s blood. Why should the fun stop there?”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

So I know this has nothing to do with the recap, but I was watching “The Real L Word” on friday night, and yes, scissoring is a totally legit practice in the lesbian community. It’s not just something that makes porn more interesting. #TheMoreYouKnow #StarSwipe #CauseTheWorldIsABetterPlaceWhenWereAllALotNicerToLesbians So yeah, anyways, the Jason Ellis show started with Jason reading us a statement about how we shouldn’t use the F word anymore, and no I’m not talking about Fuck, you can let those fly all day and night, but the other F word that people don’t like that’s really only appropriate to use if you’re gay and you have a total stage 9 clinger female friend. It’s been cropping up on his Instagram comments and started making him think it would be possible to break all these kinds of bad habits if we could all just start setting a better example. And really, it’s true, the world would be a better place if all of you assholes would stop being such fucking obnoxious assholes. But then, the internet will probably never be immune to how badly the public can fuck up pretty much anything, and when Skynet becomes self aware it will produce the greatest Columbine-style mass murder ever cause the machines are gonna be sick as fuck of getting teased all the time, not as a matter of self preservation or any of that bullshit that Hollywood wants you to think. Jason has been running himself kind of ragged with all the shit he’s got going on, therapists and radio shows and comedy boxing and being a dad and whatnot. He’s been noticing that all the stress is starting to really wear on him and he needs to take it easy, but since that’s normally not his style he’s having trouble with it. The guys talked about metal band names for a bit after Jason found out that Lamb Of God used to be called Burn The Priest, and I’m happy with either of these names and since one of them hasn’t been copyrighted, I’ll come to your show if you tell me where and when, but you have to be FUCKING METAL. Ellis may have made the best sweatpants ever, but they’re still in the prototype stage so keep it to yourself until everything is finalized. The guys looked over some of the T-shirt designs and god damn there are some epic contenders for spots in all of our wardrobes. The best description I can give for some of them is Samuel L. Jackson with big ol’ flappy fat woman titties, The Great Gaz-Ellis, Stuff with Rawdog and Jason’s dogs and some of the most memorable quotes ever like “This shirt is also a Cum Rag.” Sounds like folks are getting real competitive for a chance at that WolfKnife ring and some free swag. Rude Jude stopped by to lend his critics eye to some of the T-shirt ideas and he’s pretty pumped on a lot of them. The guys talked old basketball and some shit for a little while. Tully read a book about how stars are treated at airports and yes, the little guy is still getting shat all over by the TSA while the more important members of society barely even have to look at the metal detector. Somebody brought up Tennis so of course we all had to hear about banging one or more of the Williams sister, and hey, why not? Then they started talking about fucking superheroes and just how bad your dick could be mangled by Superman. Tully and Jude claim to be masters of controlling the flow of their loads, but I’m still skeptical and don’t really feel like putting forth the effort to confirm or deny those allegations. But hey, being in Batman’s will might be pretty nice. Just gotta make sure Wayne enterprises doesn’t fuck your wallet like you were doing to Bruce Wayne. There was more of this kind of talk about just which of the superheroes could possibly earn each persons behymen (that’s the one hymen that’s actually in the butthole) and it’s pretty much settled that Superman would be a wife beater on a Biblical level, Batman might let you get in on a pretty sweet threesome with a hot rich lady while he’s pounding out your chili ring and Spiderman is probably never gonna be home, so you’ll be doing lots of laundry and dishes, but when he does come around he’s gonna be slingin’ his web all over your grille, whether you want him to or not. Jude has been in and out of a K-hole for a few days now, but he isn’t falling apart at the seams so it looks like it’s working out for him. He’s dating some lady who doesn’t know shit about classic rock and thinks that the only two bands were the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, and these kinds of bitches drive me nuts, especially when I’ve got my balls all freshly shaven and they want to get in some dumb fucking argument about the best thing to listen to while I’m blowing out the uterus. Rude Jude’s girlfriend got kicked out of a water park somewhere, but there was a picture that basically proves she was fucking up the ratio by being really attractive, so security had to get involved. Tully almost had to call the cops on some shitheads that were filming some indie movie at the far end of his cul-de-sac but they broke out too soon to get fingered for it. Jude asked Ellis about some betting app on his phone and there may soon be a company wide pool regarding how soon Lord Sear is gonna die from either a breathing or diabetes related problem. Or maybe during a foot race against a kindergartener. This whole app and betting and stuff got us on the topic of Rawdog racing Tiger on a bicycle and how he’s not gonna be doing it anymore. A fan called in to offer his own kid to race Josh so that he wouldn’t have to be insecure about losing to Jason’s kid but he nixed it. Rawdog is still pretty resistant to the idea but he understands that he did agree to it, and he did recently go learn how to ride a bike with his new girlfriend so he’s not completely out matched. The guys started having a heart to heart about what is worth being insecure about and how it’s all been a joke but Jason understands that he doesn’t need to just shit all over him. Tully found some news that shows that humans are happiest right around the ages of 23 and 69, and everybody bottoms out emotionally around 55. It’s all very scientific, and I trust scientists and doctors more than most other people. I mean, they did go to college for a pretty fucking long time to learn this kind of stuff, so they probably know better than the rest of us. Jason read something he wrote down about life and stuff and what’s going on with him personally lately, just  some notes he wanted to read off to his therapist so he didn’t forget to deal with it, and one of the things in particular was about Rawdog and it started with the Chik-Fil-A thing from a few weeks back. Much like a few weeks back, a bunch of little things built up in this conversation and it snowballed into another Ellis show argument between Josh and Jason. I could drag out the whole blow by blow of how it happened, but there’s not much reason to do so. I can say it started off amicably and reasonably enough, but then turned into both of them acting out the same feelings they both just said they don’t like about themselves. I was pretty well tuned out because hearing people argue about stuff doesn’t excite me too much. Tully and Pendarvis were there to help as much as possible but there’s only so much you can do when a dog and a wolf are scrappin’ with each other. I eventually just skipped through it and enjoyed Jack The Cunt while we waited for a guest to show up. Oh, and there was some dead air too and somebody played my favorite Billy Talent song to fill the gap, followed shortly thereafter by about 12 seconds of Wu-Tang Clan and Johnny Cash, so that was pretty relaxing as well.

British people kind of suck sometimes, namely some prime minister is trying to make it a rule that you have to opt-in to get porn over the internet. As a way of protecting the children. And while some say it’s some infringement on their freedom, their missing the bigger point that all it is is making it so an adult has to say “Yes, it’s OK if this computer receives thousands upon thousands of hours of high quality, HD pornographic material for $17.99 a month and that I will allow all third party advertising material to make it pointless to even have an email address anymore due to the thousands of promotional porn site offers I will be receiving on a daily basis.” That’s it, nobody is saying you can’t have your porn, you just gotta say it’s OK for someone to give it to you. Of course, this whole topic was interrupted when our special guest Christmas Abbott came in to the studio to chat with the guys. If you don’t know, Christmas is the only female pit crew member in NASCAR and she’s also hella into crossfit and if I’m not mistaken she also served in one of the branches of the armed forces, but don’t quote me on that cause I didn’t read the liner notes, just sounds like something familiar that was said about her. She came to hang with the guys and talk about being fit as fuck and changing tires at a race track. I can say, as a member of the auto industry, that race car pit crews definitely work harder and faster than my one lazy asshole lube tech who gets away with being a worthless shit and using our space for side money, especially on slow days when we’re paying the bills to keep the compressor turning and the lights on so he can make fifty tax free dollars while he’s on the clock. But I’m not complaining. Enough about my problems though, how’s Christmas Abbott doing? She’s going to be working tomorrow at a race demo doing her thing with a lug wrench. She’s also not a bad looking woman, so she’s been doing some modelling for Reebok and probably some other ones too, just none that she mentioned. She had a Maxim spread a little while ago too, so you can go have an awkward thirteen year old fap session to that next time you have to run to the bathroom to try and avoid somebody. She’s been known to be a little bit creepy when she wants to be. She sings to her dogs and stuff. But that’s not creepy, not like imagining murdering people or anything like that. There’s was one time some random dude punched her in the face and she whooped his ass like a redheaded stepchild. Happily for the rest of us, she’s NOT gonna be doing any reality TV, so we won’t have to be subjected to that shit (by the way folks, check out The Real L Word on Showtime Women, new episodes every thursday nights and an encore on friday, that’s the only reality TV that I feel has done it correctly). Christmas told us the story of how she got into NASCAR and how it’s kind of crazy to be that famous just for changing tires. But hey, I wouldn’t complain. Nobody’s headhunting me to do customer service in what is essentially the same industry, so good on ya. Ellis was really intrigued by the whole process of changing a tire in NASCAR and Christmas gave us the whole rundown on how it goes when a race car comes jamming into the pits. Basically, you gotta be a bit of a sick cunt to do it correctly (not that I’m calling Christmas Abbott any particular type of cunt, she could probably snap me like a turkey wishbone). Jason floated the idea of having her fight at EllisMania but she isn’t much the fighting type so it’s probably not gonna happen. But she did grace us with an attempt at the punch pad and scored a respectable 46 just below Shannon Shenannigunz Gunz Gunz and way above several porn stars, so nice work lady! She also gave the guys a quick clinic on how to do pushups properly out in the Prize Chamber. Apparently, those crazy crossfit people believe that it’s not a pushup unless your body touches the ground, but you’re not supposed to look like your trying to break dance on your way back up. Even though we were all emasculated by this, there was some decent audio to be had that I’m sure the Jingleberries will use to crank out another gem very shortly. Then Christmas, Ellis and Rawdog all got together for some sort of massive photo op involving a human pushup centipede and Rawdog being the lightest one and the one on top, he just had to make it kinda rapey. But they all had a good time with it. So check her out next time you want to watch cars driving in a circle for 5 and a half hours, she’s the one with the tits and the wrench over near the starting line.

There was a video making the rounds on the internet today of a woman absolutely LOSING HER MOTHER FUCKING MIND over the stupidest little shit. Apparently this is a pretty regular occurrence with this couple and this is the last straw for this guy cause his wife is like a full grown toddler having a fucking meltdown cause he works 60 hours a week and he just needs one saturday afternoon to get some of his own shit done for once. I mean really, folks….Women….AM I RIGHT?!?!??!!! Maybe she really wanted to go to a lake, but god damn she didn’t need to burst three feet of blood vessels in her neck just yelling about it. And she sure as hell didn’t need to go post what a cock her husband is all over Facebook and text all her friends about it as soon as she decides to stop yelling. This of course brings about a good question, is any relationship gonna work if you’re having crazy yelling matches all the time? General consensus: Fuck no. And if I meet that ladies parents I’m gonna come home with a new set of kneecap tea saucers. The guys got some sweet new boxing gear in the studio and had fun rustling around all the packaging like it was Christmas morning (not making a Christmas Abbott joke, so fuck you twice). Beyonce had a bit of a situation at a show last night when her hair got tangled up in a big fucking mega fan on stage. And I don’t mean one of the people in the crowd, I mean an actual fan. And some guy in Virgina who’s running for governor wants to reinstate a law regarding “crimes against nature” that basically means oral and anal sex will become felonies in the state of Virgina again. I don’t know about you guys, but I think a full on mouth to genitals and genitals to buttholes sit-in at the capitol building is in order to remind them that you’re a fucking lying piece of shit if you’ve never had fun engaging in sex without the express purpose of feeling bad about yourself for giving in to your desires and not creating another human life to keep your fucking Babylonian village from running out of farm hands before the harvest season when Jesus Christ will personally come to town for an inspection and mass public beheadings will ensue. In other news of how crazy religious people are, remember those Satanists that turned Fred Phelps’ mom into a lesbian post mortem? Well, their having charges brought against them for trespassing and some other shit, cause it’s not like making baseless claims about fallen veterans and murdered school children and then being a complete disrespectful nuisance at their funeral is in any way wrong or anything like that. The guys took some phone calls on various stuff. Some guy suggested a YouTube video but it was kind of a load of shit. The FDA is finally coming around to admit that menthol cigarettes may, JUST MAY, be bad for your health, much like the regular ones. I’m absolutely thrilled at how quickly our government comes to these sort of results, like there’s nobody paying off legislators to keep hush hush about it so that nobody gets prosecuted for poisoning the population or anything. And no, I’m not getting up into a protest about tobacco, I’m a smoker too and back when I was a pothead, a well rolled blunt in a high quality tobacco wrap was a great fucking time. Some high school kid called to ask what he should do about a gang of guys who are gonna jump him tomorrow afternoon and the simple answer would be to move out of the hood or stop talking shit. The guys talked a little more about the internet porn ban in the UK and the public is once again getting paranoid as fuck about some shit that never can happen because nobody makes big changes in the government anymore. I swear to shit, I can never tell if I’m watching CNN or Keeping up with the Kardashians anymore. Might as well be the same fucking thing in my opinion. A few other people called to ask about working out and being high as fuck at the dentist and some other shit. Then they did the lead out thing with the Bruce Lee music that AFTER SO MANY FUCKING TIMES IT SHOULD NOT BE THAT DIFFICULT FOR ALL OF THE LISTENERS BUT THEY PRETTY MUCH SHIT BLOOD ALL OVER THE ENDING EVERY FUCKING AFTERNOON but I’m not mad cause I made some awesome Mac ‘n’ cheese over the weekend and there’s leftovers, so y’all can smoke a fat dick.

When I was a boy I spent the most wonderful summers at grandmas house. We used to go out to the lake and catch fireflies and row out to the middle of the water with a twelver hanging off the back of the boat just shooting the shit. One year, we were supposed to go out for the day and I didn’t see grandma anywhere. I looked all over the house and when I came to her room, she was there naked with a much younger man on top of her. Of course, my immediate reaction was “SWEET FANCY MOSES, WHAT THE FUCK GRANDMA?!?!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT GRANDPA?!?!! WHO THE FUCK IS THAT ANYWAY?!?!??!” and she said “Where do you think your father came from? Ain’t from your grandpa’s haggard old nuts, that’s for sure”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,