So I know this has nothing to do with the recap, but I was watching “The Real L Word” on friday night, and yes, scissoring is a totally legit practice in the lesbian community. It’s not just something that makes porn more interesting. #TheMoreYouKnow #StarSwipe #CauseTheWorldIsABetterPlaceWhenWereAllALotNicerToLesbians So yeah, anyways, the Jason Ellis show started with Jason reading us a statement about how we shouldn’t use the F word anymore, and no I’m not talking about Fuck, you can let those fly all day and night, but the other F word that people don’t like that’s really only appropriate to use if you’re gay and you have a total stage 9 clinger female friend. It’s been cropping up on his Instagram comments and started making him think it would be possible to break all these kinds of bad habits if we could all just start setting a better example. And really, it’s true, the world would be a better place if all of you assholes would stop being such fucking obnoxious assholes. But then, the internet will probably never be immune to how badly the public can fuck up pretty much anything, and when Skynet becomes self aware it will produce the greatest Columbine-style mass murder ever cause the machines are gonna be sick as fuck of getting teased all the time, not as a matter of self preservation or any of that bullshit that Hollywood wants you to think. Jason has been running himself kind of ragged with all the shit he’s got going on, therapists and radio shows and comedy boxing and being a dad and whatnot. He’s been noticing that all the stress is starting to really wear on him and he needs to take it easy, but since that’s normally not his style he’s having trouble with it. The guys talked about metal band names for a bit after Jason found out that Lamb Of God used to be called Burn The Priest, and I’m happy with either of these names and since one of them hasn’t been copyrighted, I’ll come to your show if you tell me where and when, but you have to be FUCKING METAL. Ellis may have made the best sweatpants ever, but they’re still in the prototype stage so keep it to yourself until everything is finalized. The guys looked over some of the T-shirt designs and god damn there are some epic contenders for spots in all of our wardrobes. The best description I can give for some of them is Samuel L. Jackson with big ol’ flappy fat woman titties, The Great Gaz-Ellis, Stuff with Rawdog and Jason’s dogs and some of the most memorable quotes ever like “This shirt is also a Cum Rag.” Sounds like folks are getting real competitive for a chance at that WolfKnife ring and some free swag. Rude Jude stopped by to lend his critics eye to some of the T-shirt ideas and he’s pretty pumped on a lot of them. The guys talked old basketball and some shit for a little while. Tully read a book about how stars are treated at airports and yes, the little guy is still getting shat all over by the TSA while the more important members of society barely even have to look at the metal detector. Somebody brought up Tennis so of course we all had to hear about banging one or more of the Williams sister, and hey, why not? Then they started talking about fucking superheroes and just how bad your dick could be mangled by Superman. Tully and Jude claim to be masters of controlling the flow of their loads, but I’m still skeptical and don’t really feel like putting forth the effort to confirm or deny those allegations. But hey, being in Batman’s will might be pretty nice. Just gotta make sure Wayne enterprises doesn’t fuck your wallet like you were doing to Bruce Wayne. There was more of this kind of talk about just which of the superheroes could possibly earn each persons behymen (that’s the one hymen that’s actually in the butthole) and it’s pretty much settled that Superman would be a wife beater on a Biblical level, Batman might let you get in on a pretty sweet threesome with a hot rich lady while he’s pounding out your chili ring and Spiderman is probably never gonna be home, so you’ll be doing lots of laundry and dishes, but when he does come around he’s gonna be slingin’ his web all over your grille, whether you want him to or not. Jude has been in and out of a K-hole for a few days now, but he isn’t falling apart at the seams so it looks like it’s working out for him. He’s dating some lady who doesn’t know shit about classic rock and thinks that the only two bands were the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, and these kinds of bitches drive me nuts, especially when I’ve got my balls all freshly shaven and they want to get in some dumb fucking argument about the best thing to listen to while I’m blowing out the uterus. Rude Jude’s girlfriend got kicked out of a water park somewhere, but there was a picture that basically proves she was fucking up the ratio by being really attractive, so security had to get involved. Tully almost had to call the cops on some shitheads that were filming some indie movie at the far end of his cul-de-sac but they broke out too soon to get fingered for it. Jude asked Ellis about some betting app on his phone and there may soon be a company wide pool regarding how soon Lord Sear is gonna die from either a breathing or diabetes related problem. Or maybe during a foot race against a kindergartener. This whole app and betting and stuff got us on the topic of Rawdog racing Tiger on a bicycle and how he’s not gonna be doing it anymore. A fan called in to offer his own kid to race Josh so that he wouldn’t have to be insecure about losing to Jason’s kid but he nixed it. Rawdog is still pretty resistant to the idea but he understands that he did agree to it, and he did recently go learn how to ride a bike with his new girlfriend so he’s not completely out matched. The guys started having a heart to heart about what is worth being insecure about and how it’s all been a joke but Jason understands that he doesn’t need to just shit all over him. Tully found some news that shows that humans are happiest right around the ages of 23 and 69, and everybody bottoms out emotionally around 55. It’s all very scientific, and I trust scientists and doctors more than most other people. I mean, they did go to college for a pretty fucking long time to learn this kind of stuff, so they probably know better than the rest of us. Jason read something he wrote down about life and stuff and what’s going on with him personally lately, just some notes he wanted to read off to his therapist so he didn’t forget to deal with it, and one of the things in particular was about Rawdog and it started with the Chik-Fil-A thing from a few weeks back. Much like a few weeks back, a bunch of little things built up in this conversation and it snowballed into another Ellis show argument between Josh and Jason. I could drag out the whole blow by blow of how it happened, but there’s not much reason to do so. I can say it started off amicably and reasonably enough, but then turned into both of them acting out the same feelings they both just said they don’t like about themselves. I was pretty well tuned out because hearing people argue about stuff doesn’t excite me too much. Tully and Pendarvis were there to help as much as possible but there’s only so much you can do when a dog and a wolf are scrappin’ with each other. I eventually just skipped through it and enjoyed Jack The Cunt while we waited for a guest to show up. Oh, and there was some dead air too and somebody played my favorite Billy Talent song to fill the gap, followed shortly thereafter by about 12 seconds of Wu-Tang Clan and Johnny Cash, so that was pretty relaxing as well.
British people kind of suck sometimes, namely some prime minister is trying to make it a rule that you have to opt-in to get porn over the internet. As a way of protecting the children. And while some say it’s some infringement on their freedom, their missing the bigger point that all it is is making it so an adult has to say “Yes, it’s OK if this computer receives thousands upon thousands of hours of high quality, HD pornographic material for $17.99 a month and that I will allow all third party advertising material to make it pointless to even have an email address anymore due to the thousands of promotional porn site offers I will be receiving on a daily basis.” That’s it, nobody is saying you can’t have your porn, you just gotta say it’s OK for someone to give it to you. Of course, this whole topic was interrupted when our special guest Christmas Abbott came in to the studio to chat with the guys. If you don’t know, Christmas is the only female pit crew member in NASCAR and she’s also hella into crossfit and if I’m not mistaken she also served in one of the branches of the armed forces, but don’t quote me on that cause I didn’t read the liner notes, just sounds like something familiar that was said about her. She came to hang with the guys and talk about being fit as fuck and changing tires at a race track. I can say, as a member of the auto industry, that race car pit crews definitely work harder and faster than my one lazy asshole lube tech who gets away with being a worthless shit and using our space for side money, especially on slow days when we’re paying the bills to keep the compressor turning and the lights on so he can make fifty tax free dollars while he’s on the clock. But I’m not complaining. Enough about my problems though, how’s Christmas Abbott doing? She’s going to be working tomorrow at a race demo doing her thing with a lug wrench. She’s also not a bad looking woman, so she’s been doing some modelling for Reebok and probably some other ones too, just none that she mentioned. She had a Maxim spread a little while ago too, so you can go have an awkward thirteen year old fap session to that next time you have to run to the bathroom to try and avoid somebody. She’s been known to be a little bit creepy when she wants to be. She sings to her dogs and stuff. But that’s not creepy, not like imagining murdering people or anything like that. There’s was one time some random dude punched her in the face and she whooped his ass like a redheaded stepchild. Happily for the rest of us, she’s NOT gonna be doing any reality TV, so we won’t have to be subjected to that shit (by the way folks, check out The Real L Word on Showtime Women, new episodes every thursday nights and an encore on friday, that’s the only reality TV that I feel has done it correctly). Christmas told us the story of how she got into NASCAR and how it’s kind of crazy to be that famous just for changing tires. But hey, I wouldn’t complain. Nobody’s headhunting me to do customer service in what is essentially the same industry, so good on ya. Ellis was really intrigued by the whole process of changing a tire in NASCAR and Christmas gave us the whole rundown on how it goes when a race car comes jamming into the pits. Basically, you gotta be a bit of a sick cunt to do it correctly (not that I’m calling Christmas Abbott any particular type of cunt, she could probably snap me like a turkey wishbone). Jason floated the idea of having her fight at EllisMania but she isn’t much the fighting type so it’s probably not gonna happen. But she did grace us with an attempt at the punch pad and scored a respectable 46 just below Shannon Shenannigunz Gunz Gunz and way above several porn stars, so nice work lady! She also gave the guys a quick clinic on how to do pushups properly out in the Prize Chamber. Apparently, those crazy crossfit people believe that it’s not a pushup unless your body touches the ground, but you’re not supposed to look like your trying to break dance on your way back up. Even though we were all emasculated by this, there was some decent audio to be had that I’m sure the Jingleberries will use to crank out another gem very shortly. Then Christmas, Ellis and Rawdog all got together for some sort of massive photo op involving a human pushup centipede and Rawdog being the lightest one and the one on top, he just had to make it kinda rapey. But they all had a good time with it. So check her out next time you want to watch cars driving in a circle for 5 and a half hours, she’s the one with the tits and the wrench over near the starting line.
There was a video making the rounds on the internet today of a woman absolutely LOSING HER MOTHER FUCKING MIND over the stupidest little shit. Apparently this is a pretty regular occurrence with this couple and this is the last straw for this guy cause his wife is like a full grown toddler having a fucking meltdown cause he works 60 hours a week and he just needs one saturday afternoon to get some of his own shit done for once. I mean really, folks….Women….AM I RIGHT?!?!??!!! Maybe she really wanted to go to a lake, but god damn she didn’t need to burst three feet of blood vessels in her neck just yelling about it. And she sure as hell didn’t need to go post what a cock her husband is all over Facebook and text all her friends about it as soon as she decides to stop yelling. This of course brings about a good question, is any relationship gonna work if you’re having crazy yelling matches all the time? General consensus: Fuck no. And if I meet that ladies parents I’m gonna come home with a new set of kneecap tea saucers. The guys got some sweet new boxing gear in the studio and had fun rustling around all the packaging like it was Christmas morning (not making a Christmas Abbott joke, so fuck you twice). Beyonce had a bit of a situation at a show last night when her hair got tangled up in a big fucking mega fan on stage. And I don’t mean one of the people in the crowd, I mean an actual fan. And some guy in Virgina who’s running for governor wants to reinstate a law regarding “crimes against nature” that basically means oral and anal sex will become felonies in the state of Virgina again. I don’t know about you guys, but I think a full on mouth to genitals and genitals to buttholes sit-in at the capitol building is in order to remind them that you’re a fucking lying piece of shit if you’ve never had fun engaging in sex without the express purpose of feeling bad about yourself for giving in to your desires and not creating another human life to keep your fucking Babylonian village from running out of farm hands before the harvest season when Jesus Christ will personally come to town for an inspection and mass public beheadings will ensue. In other news of how crazy religious people are, remember those Satanists that turned Fred Phelps’ mom into a lesbian post mortem? Well, their having charges brought against them for trespassing and some other shit, cause it’s not like making baseless claims about fallen veterans and murdered school children and then being a complete disrespectful nuisance at their funeral is in any way wrong or anything like that. The guys took some phone calls on various stuff. Some guy suggested a YouTube video but it was kind of a load of shit. The FDA is finally coming around to admit that menthol cigarettes may, JUST MAY, be bad for your health, much like the regular ones. I’m absolutely thrilled at how quickly our government comes to these sort of results, like there’s nobody paying off legislators to keep hush hush about it so that nobody gets prosecuted for poisoning the population or anything. And no, I’m not getting up into a protest about tobacco, I’m a smoker too and back when I was a pothead, a well rolled blunt in a high quality tobacco wrap was a great fucking time. Some high school kid called to ask what he should do about a gang of guys who are gonna jump him tomorrow afternoon and the simple answer would be to move out of the hood or stop talking shit. The guys talked a little more about the internet porn ban in the UK and the public is once again getting paranoid as fuck about some shit that never can happen because nobody makes big changes in the government anymore. I swear to shit, I can never tell if I’m watching CNN or Keeping up with the Kardashians anymore. Might as well be the same fucking thing in my opinion. A few other people called to ask about working out and being high as fuck at the dentist and some other shit. Then they did the lead out thing with the Bruce Lee music that AFTER SO MANY FUCKING TIMES IT SHOULD NOT BE THAT DIFFICULT FOR ALL OF THE LISTENERS BUT THEY PRETTY MUCH SHIT BLOOD ALL OVER THE ENDING EVERY FUCKING AFTERNOON but I’m not mad cause I made some awesome Mac ‘n’ cheese over the weekend and there’s leftovers, so y’all can smoke a fat dick.
When I was a boy I spent the most wonderful summers at grandmas house. We used to go out to the lake and catch fireflies and row out to the middle of the water with a twelver hanging off the back of the boat just shooting the shit. One year, we were supposed to go out for the day and I didn’t see grandma anywhere. I looked all over the house and when I came to her room, she was there naked with a much younger man on top of her. Of course, my immediate reaction was “SWEET FANCY MOSES, WHAT THE FUCK GRANDMA?!?!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT GRANDPA?!?!! WHO THE FUCK IS THAT ANYWAY?!?!??!” and she said “Where do you think your father came from? Ain’t from your grandpa’s haggard old nuts, that’s for sure”
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,