Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up feeling like you got hit in the face with a sock full of shit? I’m asking for a friend you guys, let’s not go making assumptions about the homeless people I may or may not be paying in copious amounts of drugs to fight in hilarious ways for my amusement. Anyways, while you ponder that, you can feed your brain with more of the most low-brow shit ever by reading my recap of the Jason Ellis show! The show started today with Ellis giving us a quick synopsis of how the show is gonna be awesome and some people have always got it worse than you, so you gotta be grateful for how things are sometimes. And sometimes you gotta call people on their shit too, and be willing to accept it when someone does it to you. Ellis has been working on making himself a better person lately and he’s feeling pretty good about how it’s going. He’s been bringing back those slapping videos he has been known to do on Vine, only now they’re TWO AND A HALF TIMES LONGER ON INSTAGRAM!!! And people are accusing him of animal cruelty for it, but apparently they’ve never heard the Death!Death!Die! song “A is for Anal.” Ellis has been enjoying spending time with his kids a lot more lately, the only time it bums him out is when he’s got them over and the man wants to make him do some dancing monkey type bullshit for his daily takings. Tully was able to chime in on this and say that he also loves kicking it with the McGook baby, but sometimes it can get a little old just doing kid shit. But the payoff is way better than the cost, so hang out with your kids and enjoy that shit everybody. It’s like going to the gym, sometimes you don’t want to, but once you do it you’re gonna feel great about pissing blood cause you tried to lift way too much in hopes of catching some girl’s eye. Ellis talked about how his ex is telling the kids they shouldn’t Google him, but forgot to mention that you can Gizoogle anybody and it all becomes fun and kid friendly. Jason has been thinking that the show is degrading to women, and what better person to bounce that off of than Rude Jude! Jude has also felt like he’s not giving the ladies a fair break, so from now on he’s gonna be talking to his hoes a lot more respectfully and not exercising the pimp hand quite as hard. Jude is also looking for a therapist cause we’ve all got some shit we need to dump and out on the radio isn’t always the best place for it. And of course we all can’t help but turn into our parents at least a bit, so once again, be good to your kids or else they’ll grow up to be assholes like you. The guys all had a pow-wow with Jude and put him on the road to not being a doped up womanizer, and that’s not a bad thing to strive for. But on a lighter note, when you donate to a charity, make sure they feed poor people caviar. That crazy shirtless DJ from Bar Rescue hit up the show on twitter and was acting a god damn fool, so no word yet on whether or not he’s gonna be a permanent installation on the show. Jude has known one of the founding members of Filter for a long time and Jude didn’t even know it, but the guys were happy to make him feel humiliated for not kicking that dude in the cunt years ago. Pendarvis came into the studio to try and play Tarzan off Filter’s nuts for a bit, but it didn’t work and Filter continued to suck. Pendar wouldn’t commit to telling anybody what bands he doesn’t like though, being that he probably needed to take a conference call or catch up on some old Saturday Night live episodes. But we can all agree that Incubus might as well just be a shitstain on the CEOs hands. Some people called in to let Ellis know that the show is not as degrading to women or gays or any other group as Jason seems to think, and if you’ve read any of the recaps on NoYouAre.lixlink.com you know that we’re way more offensive than the Ellis show would ever allow themselves to be, but we don’t get paid for any of it so we don’t have to worry about anyone cutting us loose except for our family and friends, and their opinions aren’t that important in the first place. The guys all kicked around how they feel about how gay people and women are inferior to heterosexual white men with money, but no seriously, they don’t do that kind of shit, that would just be uncalled for. Ellis is mostly on the topic of women because Jason looks at his daughter and can’t help but wonder if the stuff he does on the show now is gonna give her a complex later. That’s a hard one to rationalize, so I’m not gonna try and state what anyone’s opinion on the matter should be. Personally, it’s all about what kind of an example you set at home, cause most people are way different when they’re on the clock. Like me for instance, I fucking despise 80% of humanity from 8am to 5:30 pm monday through friday, but on my own time, I’m probably one of the friendliest people you’re gonna meet. And skanks aren’t all a product of shitty parents, some of them are just born to get fucked, that’s just who they are, that’s just how they want to be. And if they can’t take a joke, well then fuck ’em. Ellis promoted Jetta from intern to phone screener/whipping post. A lady called in to let Ellis know that the show is not degrading to women any more than normal guy stuff, and it’s actually really helpful to her cause she’s had alcohol and eating disorder issues in her life. I remember that’s one of the things that made me really like the show in the first place, that past all of the physical abuse of the less capable (like Rawdog blowing a massive strap on or a porn star shoving a cell phone in her ass (which never allegedly happened even though I remember it really clearly)) that Ellis really does want to do something good for the world by way of his radio show. One way to be better to the ladies, learn how to cook, cause they’re not all gonna like your shitty band, but every lady likes a hot load of something in their mouth (AAAOOOHHH!!!). The guys had a discussion about how the fans aren’t always firing off very well and can’t seem to understand that when an Australian man says “Jason Ellis Show” that means that they have gotten in touch with exactly who they were trying to contact. Some dude got another Rock-topus tattoo and had to call in and share about it. There were some more calls and some of them made absolutely no sense and a couple people brought up Horse Force and we all wondered if Jude slipped us something from the top shelf of his medicine cabinet. And Rawdog doesn’t believe that sluts will sleep with quite as high a percentage of men that most people would think, but that doesn’t make sluts any less wonderful. After all that I think it’s a perfect time for some Alice in Chains and Aerosmith while we all ponder whether or not a cartoon about alcoholic super horses led by a mouse who fight against a cybernetic Robert Redford should actually exist.
DOLPHIN NEWS TIME GUYS!!! FROM A DOLPHIN WHO SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO AND WHO MAY ALLEGEDLY BE ONE OF THE MANY DOLPHINS WHO IS IN FACT A RAPIST!!! Starting August first, there’s gonna be a new channel on SiriusXM online that will be ALL JASON ELLIS! So if you miss it live, you can catch as many replays as it takes to put NoYouAre.lixlink.com out of business! But we’ll always gonna be around guys, jerking off in the corner of the room no matter what you’re doing, just biding our time until we can all collectively Spiderman you at the least convenient time. Jason is gonna be at the X-Games on Friday and is gonna be taking a ride in Ken Block’s rally car to give us a first person experience of just what a sick cunt he is behind the wheel. And just to throw him off his game, Jason may do some semi-homoerotic shit in the passenger seat to really put the fear of god in old K.B. Or just punch him in the face or grab the steering wheel or some low level prankster shit like that, cause nobody’s trying to get killed out there. The guys took some calls on how people tend to listen to the show and whether or not internet is gonna work for them, and it sounds like it should be relatively successful as long as the internet doesn’t turn into a whiny bitch and start making it some sort of a problem. Rawdog watched Sharknado over the weekend and as pretty much everyone else can confirm, Tara Reid may not be dead but her career sure as fuck did, and the guy from 90210 who also did a bunch of cartoon voices and was in that movie Domino about the contract killer where we all got to see Kira Knightley’s tits, that dude held the whole Sharknado together. But what’s more important is that for the first time in a long time, there’s been a movie that is such a staming bowl of elephant piss that is still successful and awesome in it’s own way. Last one I could think of is the Evil Dead trilogy, and that’s been over twenty years now since the last one. Rawdog played some new video from Beyonce and as much as I try I can’t bring myself to give a fuck, much less like, anything she does. She wasn’t even that good in the last Austin Powers movie for cunt’s sake. The guys brought back the argument of whether it’s lame to have a girlfriend or wife that makes a lot more money than they do, and quite frankly, it’s one of those things that’s only a problem if you make it one. Sure it may bum you out for a while, but once you learn to accept the fact that your dreams are less profitable than others and be happy to have the opportunity to pursue them, than what the fuck have you really got to complain about? Besides, I’ve always been told that you can’t argue with free, so if she offers to cover the bill, fuck it man, go enjoy that shit. Some of it is affecting people’s kids though, and it always sucks when your kid calls you a bitch cause mom is the one bringing home the bacon, but you can always say to that kid “I might make less money, but I can choke you out a lot easier than your mom can” and that’ll keep a healthy level of respect going for everyone in the house. Just as long as you don’t let your wife start treating you the way you would have treated them back in the 1950’s, shit could work pretty well. But don’t worry fellas, we’ll always be better drivers. A few people called in who actually have this dynamic going in their relationship and it seems to be working just fine. But then, not all of them. Cause money basically just makes everybody start keeping it as real as real can get, and if we remember how it went on the Dave Chappelle show, keeping it real can go horribly horribly wrong. While we’re on the topic of keeping it real, Yoko Ono is evil and definitely crazy, but she did say that John Lennon was a racist and gay, and she probably knows better than the rest of us……Just stew on that for a minute guys….She also said he was a wife beater……ponder and discuss, everybody.
So, good friend of the show and one of the founding members of NoYouAre.lixlink.com, BitPimps sent a news story in to the show and the guys were pretty in to it. Basically, there’s a town somewhere out in the midwest that has a bunch of stuff named Hitler, like a road and a public park and some other shit. Turns out they were an actual family who lived there since the 1700’s. And they were really good people too, they made lots of charitable contributions and such, one of them was even the town dentist during the 1940s. And his name was: DOCTOR GAY HITLER!!! I know, we’re all writing a campy B-movie sexploitation horror flick in our heads just hearing it, just please folks, lets not go jumping the gun to get it made until we can scrounge up the perfect cast for it. Somehow Jason came up with the Idea that poor people should move back in to the ocean and evolve into fish people and then they can wage covert operations against the rich every time a fishing boat that goes to catch their caviar accidentally gets one of them in their nets. I gotta say, it’s a real incentive not to be poor if you’re not much of a water person. But fuck all that, cause I think we’ve just added a surprising twist to the Dr. Gay Hitler movie series, Gay Hitler VS. The Fish Hobos!!! It’s gonna be indie movie gold people, and I hereby declare it my own intellectual property so you have been warned that I will sue you for a case of DVD’s if you do in fact make this movie (cause I don’t have the free time or startup capitol to make it happen, so please go make my movie so I can sue you for a crate full of DVDs). But hey, why are we jaw-jacking about all that bullshit when we could be enjoying NEW MUSIC TUESDAY??!?!?! Well, it’s probably because most people don’t enjoy New music Tuesday, me personally I just kinda hate most new music, but sometimes Rumble McTumbleBlumpkin does dig up a gem, so let’s see what he’s got for us this time. And we got three weeks of it today, cause of all the times they nixed it recently, so get yourself ready to crank the “suck” up to ELEVEN!!! First out of the gate we heard the new single from Everlast and I’ve always appreciated his style and this little bluesy number was pretty catchy, so keep an eye out for the album when it drops next month. After that was the new one from Backstreet Boys and if you liked them before, you’ll probably like this one, but if you’re anything like me you’ll wish there was a fast forward button on the SiriusXM internet player (Get on that shit, SiriusXM, seriously). Next up was a new project from Tech9 and a whole bunch of other guys, and it was not too different from a lot of stuff you might hear today, but that doesn’t mean it was bad and the first verse was a banger, so give it a try and decide for yourself. Then we heard the new one from Phil Anselmo and his side project, and it was fast loud and angry, so if that’s your thing and you don’t think Anselmo is a sell out then give that one a listen. Next up was the latest from Chamillionaire and much like most of the pop-rap-dance-crossover shit that somehow makes platinum albums, it’s really obvious that some people couldn’t give a fuck about their fans as long as the check doesn’t bounce. One Direction sucks like a Dyson power ball and is basically a waste of time to mention or listen to but they dropped a new album this week. Then we heard Five Finger Death Punch and like all the stuff they made before, it was a warm, slightly firm turd that took at least seven flushes worth of paper to wipe off completely. After that was Aluna George and I’m sure Rawdog was jamming the fuck out while the rest of us started planning his assassination. Next in line was Serj Tankian doing something a little different than his normal stuff, he’s got a new album that’s all jazz and mostly instrumentals. We heard the opening bar of the song but not enough to judge whether or not Serj should go back to his roots and stay there. Next up was an album I’ve actually been waiting to check out, the new one from Against Me! featuring the now transgendered lead singer Laura Jane Grace (previously known as Tom Gabel) and it was in line with the acoustic stuff they’ve put out in the past and the lead singer’s voice hasn’t changed much, so still worth hearing a few other tracks from it to see if it’s worth buying. Coming up next we heard the new chart topper from Robin Thicke and if I was a fifteen year old girl snorting adderall in my parents’ bathroom while making an appointment to get my fake ID so I could hang out at the club, I’d probably be into it. Then we got a taste of some new metal from the band Mercenary and it had a great opening that was fucked in the ass with a broken champagne bottle by the lead singer. Next track was the new tune from Gogol Bordello and although it’s not the normal stuff you hear being called punk, I like it a lot and Eugene Hutz is actually a decent actor too, so go get a copy. The Hieroglyphics dropped a new album that was a refreshing return to when hip hop was good and didn’t require a pitbull and an AK-47 to be sold in the mainstream. Then we heard a band that I’ve actually seen live called Hunx and his Punx, and yep, you guessed it, it’s full on homo-core (I’m not being a bigot, that’s actually what they call themselves) and while I don’t hate gay punks, gay punk music seems to be pretty fucking terrible by a pretty sizable margin from the amount that I’ve heard and seen live. Then we heard the new one from Selena Gomez and I’d prefer it if she’d stay away from a fucking microphone until she’s a truly cold fucking corpse. Finally we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week which was a band called Fuck buttons and while Tussin Wolf was getting a side arm, the rest of us were purchasing a side arm. Tully found a news story about a football player who had a contract with his girlfriend that if he ever got her pregnant that she would get an abortion and he would bay her $25,000 and stay with her for another year. Then Rawdog started trying to justify how awesome his shitty indie band was and Tully cut him off by asking us all “Do you remember how stupid republicans are?” And after all that music, what better than a quick break for some music that was made when music was still good? Like Jimi Hendrix and the original Van Halen (before the Red Rocker came and had his period all over the band).
Hey BITCH! In particular, the bitch in North Carolina who had it coming when he got arrested for throwing pizza at his girlfriend cause she left the bathroom floor wet. Meanwhile, in South Carolina, another bitch ALSO got arrested for throwing pizza at his girlfriend. I got one question for these bitches, why the fuck is bitches so mothafuckin’ cray cray? We’ll probably never know. But in Hollywood news, we can hear all about what’s happening here in the real world! Like how the Gay Jewish White supremacist who was stalking Anderson Cooper has finally been arrested. Also, Sylvester Stallone tweeted that there’s gonna be an Expendables 3 with 2 new stars, Victor Ortiz and Ronda Rousey, making yet another fighter/actor crossover film that’s probably not gonna amount to much in the long run. Stallone also announced that he’s gonna play rocky one last time in a spinoff as the coach of Apollo Creed’s grandson. Unfortunately though, there’s also a stage musical of Rocky is also making it’s way across Europe right now, so if you were looking for a good day to kill yourself, it would be opening day of that show in your town. In sadder news, Johnny Depp is pretty seriously considering retirement (cause you can’t be Tim Burton’s go-to guy forever) and so is Quentin Tarantino who I will miss dearly because he’s one of the last guys who still has some god damn respect for what movies are supposed to be. Greg Hetson from Bad Religion is definitely still punk rock as fuck, because him and his wife are both saying that the other one is letting arguments go to blows, but his stories seem a lot more believable just for the strange shit he says that she’s been doing, like shoving an apple down his throat and attacking him with hockey equipment and stealing money from their joint bank account. If it is true, I would personally love to see Greg and Brett come down there and go 1983 all over the situation, but we can’t all get everything we wish for. The guy from Puddle Of Mudd is back in action, this time he took a power saw to his neighbor’s deck cause it just barely spilled onto his property or some such shit. And Ice-T really wants you to see him without a shirt. So, go ahead and do that I guess. And two of the guys from Queen are busy right now working on a couple of songs that Freddy Mercury did with Michael Jackson right before he died. The guys took some phone calls that were not all completely ridiculous. there was talk of the Fish Hobos and just what there physical capabilities would be on land and how much of a threat they would really be to the rest of us. The guys were talking about the TV shows Bar Rescue and Kitchen Nightmares, and (shocker of all shockers, like somehow having three fingers in each whole but it’s only one hand) there’s only been a 10% success rate of all the restaurants that have been on Kitchen nightmares since the show started. Fuck you in the face hole, Gordon Ramsey. And in sadder news for those of us who grew up in the 90’s, Sam Simon, co-creator of The Simpsons, is dying of cancer, but the silver lining is that he’s incredibly rich and he’s donating a pretty good amount of it to feeding the hungry and rescuing animals. DMX got another DUI, which is barely even news anymore. And if you haven’t heard anything about Lindsay Lohan in a while, just a quick update, Ellis wants to try the 40 donut challenge again, but will settle for ten donuts and a coffee and some fucking peace and quiet. Pendarvis is a bastard and suggested that Jason shit all over the passenger seat of Ken Block’s car because that wouldn’t be the most disrespectful thing a person could do to one of their oldest friends or anything. Kelly from Destiny’s Child got lost at sea when the guy running her yacht completely lost his sense of direction and had to call the coast guard. Some more people called in to suggest new fights for EllisMania and a couple were half decent and some were definitely the product of a pack of savage fucktards. Then there were some other calls that were essentially pointless. Except for the text that Thomas Haden Church sent in to suggest a fight at EllisMania where two guys are wearing humongous diving flippers. Might be awesome to see, but a pretty high potential for error. The idea was suggested that one big guy hold one little guy and it becomes like Kuato VS. Kuato in a rather interesting fight. Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan, she published some list of a hundred people she knows and has whittled it down to a bunch of people she wants to get the fuck off her coat tails. Amanda Bynes got 5150’d after she started a fire in her neighbor’s driveway and running away with the ladies dog and some other shit, some people are saying she’s crazy, some people are saying that all the people trying to help her are WHY she’s crazy, I don’t have any real gripe with her but if she really is nuts I hope she gets some help, cause I’ve been around people going through that and it sure doesn’t look like fun. Final calls kept rolling through, and it was all about people shitting their pants and some other bull shite and nobody can seem to answer when someone says “Hello” and the whole final calls thing still isn’t getting through to anybody. And some asshole suggested having a cancer patient fight a veteran, like somehow there’s a good one to root against or something. But fuck it, it’s tuesday, I get paid tomorrow, and I don’t have to unclog the drain if I go home and jerk off in my shower so much that the wad clogs up everyone on the same floor of my apartment building.
In my youth, I can clearly remember that first day of school every fall.
It was the one day a year that I always had to submit to a paternity test. At least once throughout the day.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,