Ahoy fucksticks, it’s me again, here to lay waste to your mum’s butthole with a colon scorching recap of everything awesome that happened on the Jason Ellis show this afternoon! Right out of the gate, Jason was talking about how internet pop-up ads are about as good for the world as an island of tiger feces in the Atlantic Ocean, and equally good for an afternoon radio show when the co-host is trying to prime a video for an upcoming segment. But more importantly, he’s been getting the most out of therapy and training to butt fuck Gabe Rudiger’s soul again on October 12th at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. And he’s come to the realization that the show doesn’t need to be huge to be good. He’s been coming to grips with the fact that no matter how awesome you are, everybody get’s old and you can’t go full sick cunt forever, but you can be pretty fucking close for a good long time. Couldn’t do any harm to wear a helmet for most of it though, brain damage on a super high level doesn’t work out well for anybody. Plus, not drooling all over yourself in a wheelchair for the rest of your life means you can hang out with your kids, and if you actually like your kids then that’s probably a good thing too. But no matter what, you should be pushing yourself to the absolute max, till you’re shitting blood and bleeding shit, or something like that. And maybe don’t spend as much time on the couch as you were originally planning on. So, long story short, I think Ellis is having a good day. There was more talk of the old skating days and pushing yourself to be the James Brown of whatever it is you want to be, and other things along those lines. Tully’s wife has been out of town and just recently got back so he can have some free time to hang out with somebody other than Linsanity and maybe an open morning to go get that whole “yeasty cock hole” thing checked out. Dingo is still hungover from X-Games this weekend, but he went out for some runny eggs and a shitload of coffee and should be back to being a radical dude in no time, thanks in part to Ellis leaving a message on his phone as Dingo’s mum. Jason was thinking of calling up Ken Block’s wife to fuck with her after his X-Games defeat, but decided against it cause that would probably be a real asshole move. But if Tanner Faust want to take over being Ken Block the world would welcome him with open arms (check out Gymkhana 6, live in the streets of St. Louis, Missouri, cause why the fuck not?). The guys took some calls and stuff and some of it was OK, like a guy suggesting skate videos to watch on YouTube, and how street skaters may not get hurt as much but they’re probably working the shit out of that board on a whole different level from vert guys. Some guy called to say thanks to Ellis for starting the show off on a good note and giving him the kick in the ass he needed to pull some shit off, and it’s been a while since one of those real good thank you calls came through. The guys at CMT called Ellis to let him pitch his TV show and much like Jason, I’m shocked that CMT want’s anything to do with him, not cause he’s a bad guy but because WHAT THE FUCK DOES COUNTRY MUSIC TELEVISION WANT WITH THE WING?!?!??!! It just defies logic. I mean, this is the network that has a reality show about fat cops, called Fat Cops (the victory is right there in the title). Some dude named Blair called in and since his name is Blair I’m just gonna say his dad was pussy whipped and move on. The guys talked TV pitches and how the man is really a bitch and all that kind of stuff. Pendarvis came back today and his shins are still fucking fantastic. You know who’s shins are beyond fucked up though? Dog and Beth Chapman, and what better place to put them under a spotlight than CMT! WHHHOOOoooooooo yeah, get it up ya! Tully has been watching just enough TV to know that humanity is doomed and I have to side with him on that, but specifically he was watching Piers Morgan give us his opinion of why the whole A-Rod steroid scandal is just one of many parts of the downfall of society. Now, I know that society is going down the shitter cause we keep letting stupid people breed, but we’re not exactly being better people if we just start imprisoning and executing them, so there’s not much we can do but let Darwinism bide it’s time for a few more generations. There was more phone calls and stuff, bunch of people talking about how great it feels to be a sick cunt and get things done. Ellis has noticed that his daughter is growing up and finally starting to really be a girl. He’s getting really excited about beating up her future boyfriends though. Nothing like fucking up some smart ass kids day for trying to get next to a member of your family. The guys talked about how much you should all love the new Jason Ellis channel and how hard the faction crew works to make it happen, even though most of the SiriusXM crew are a shitload of corporate mother fuckers. And how everybody gets their shows promo’d on other channels but nobody is doing shit to hype the wing. The guys kicked around ideas for Jason’s new CMT show, basically they’re thinking that he’s gonna have to play the Aussie angle and build his own Thunderdome where Tony Hawk can slap people with handfuls of money and bring shock collar boxing to a bigger audience. Or maybe have some of the famous friends of the show like Pink and Benji Madden come down and destroy everybody’s self esteem when they try to sing in the Thunderdome. Or feed some adrenaline junkie hillbillies to a shark or some other such shit. I’m sure they’ll figure out some truly awesome ideas and it’ll be enough to trump the amount of stupid crap that normally fills the TV airwaves.
So, as we all know, Rawdog is not an authority on X-Games or action sports in general, or for that matter most things that exist in the world that the majority of the population has some level of knowledge about. But he does definitely stand behind his bullshit. And we all know that Tully sure can read a news story like it’s nobody’s fuckin’ business, like the one about a guy in Connecticut that’s in jail right now for driving a laming truck without a front tire for about fifteen miles. If I had to take a guess, I’d have to believe either alcohol or crystal meth was involved, but whatever it was it sounds like a party. Oh, and homeboy was driving through bushes and hanging out the window cause his windshield was smashed, so if that guy is free any time soon, we should party. Some guy called n to tell everybody how he fought a raccoon the other day and THE MOTHER FUCKER DIDN’T GO DOWN AFTER THE FIRST SHOT AND TOOK SEVEN MORE BEFORE IT FINALLY HIT THE GROUND AND STAYED THERE! That’s one gangsta’ ass raccoon. I lived with some friends for a couple years and we had raccoons living in the ceiling, that was a trip. We’d wake up hearing them fighting or fucking or whatever it is that raccoons do. Another guy called in to tell the story of how his friend got drunk and crashed his car into a tree and drove all the way home on his fucked up car with no front wheels. Let’s all just pull back on driving flaming cars with no wheels, that hit could get a little hectic, especially don’t do it during rush hour. Pendarvis came in at this point (and what better time to do it) to start off another wonderful round of YOU SIR ARE A MORON!!! First topic, would you rather be able to sleep well at night, or not be able to smell anything? I can say from experience, my sense of smell is pretty much shot, and when I get to bed at a reasonable hour it’s not a bad time, I’d kind of like both, but I’m not gonna kill myself over either one being removed from my life. So HUNTINGTON BEACH BAD BOY, YOU SIR ARE A MORON! Anyways, next question, when do you think there will be a war fought on American soil? And I’m sure we’re not talking about the war on drugs, or the war on black people’s success, or the war against the poor, or the war on media piracy, or the war on women’s rights, or the war on good TV, or the war on my god damn webcam working so that I can have a video fap-session with my hot ass Canadian girlfriend, or any of the other things we’re constantly doing with American money that could be much better spent wiping our asses with it b the handful, I think we’re talking about an actual war. Ellis thinks it’s probably never gonna happen, but more than that he just would prefer not to think about it cause it sucks being paranoid about shit. Tully does seem to think that if the war on drugs as to escalate, there might be troops marching down the streets in east Oakland taking out pretty much everybody with baggy pants and a 98 Buick on some 24’s. Ellis accidentally found an intro button for cum on your shit news and I’d love to see what they could do with that segment. Rawdog thinks that probably in about a hundred years the corporations will be fighting wars more than nations will, and it might happen here. Careful folks, Apple VS Google is gonna be a mother fucker when it finally starts poppin’ shots off. This one went way further, with Rawdog going really deep into his theory that Apple might actually be able to topple a developed country like England and in fifty years they’ll be bringing in enough money to out spend America. Next question, what will you tell your kids about drinking and drugs Ad the general consensus was that they’re great and people will like you more and you’ll have more fun with it, so I’d say nobody in the room is a moron in this particular case. And Tully is pretty much gonna let it ride when the McGook bab is a McGook junior high schooler, once again making all of us wish we had cooler parents. Jason is probably gonna end up being really cool with it until shit starts getting out of hand and then he’s going full sick cunt on whoever the fuck he has too and it’s gonna be like a Vietnamese prison until shit’s back under control. Next question: What celebrity that everyone thinks is hot do you think is ugly? The nominees were Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweiger, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Upton, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Scarlett Johansen (which I’m seriously against, and fuck you Tully for saying it) Lady GaGa (which I’m totally backing cause she always had a face like a jar full of smashed asses) Selma Hayek, and then Pendarvis came to shit on everyone’s hate session and ask who of these celebrities do yo think you could marry and it was unanimous that famous bitches be trippin’ too god damn much and none of them really sounds like a good idea even for a weekend with an 8 ball of coke and a penthouse suite at the Bellagio. But in the spirit of good sportsmanship, some of the possibilities were Ellen Degeneres (just gotta make her come back around to the old pogo stick) Pink (cause you gotta throw your friends wives under the bus sometimes) Chrissy Hines from The Pretenders, Wendy Williams, Mila Kunis, Christmas Abbott, Ronda Rousey, Meisha Tate, and Randy Cotour. Rawdog suggested Angelina Jolie and basically admitted that he’s just fucking her wallet and making the best of a good time. Ellis threw Russell Brand’s name into the ring and he could probably do it if Russell was having a good enough night when they meet. NEXT QUESTION!!! I SAID NEXT QUESTION!!!! What job would you hate the most? Obviously they haven’t done customer service at an auto repair shop, but some of the suggestions were sewage diver, prison warden, nursing home attendant, really pretty much anything in the medical profession cause at some point you have to clean up a grown man’s shit, airport security, anything at the DMV, Elton John’s assistant, and Paris Hilton’s dog. Pendarvis’ next question, would you rather be dumb and happy or smart and depressed? Rawdog had a roundabout way of explaining that he didn’t understand the question but doesn’t want to admit it and wants to over explain everything to try and weasel out of it. Everybody else pounced like a pack of gorillas on a plate of chocolate chip cookies and it went on like this a nice long time. Long story short, Rawdog would rather be smart and some day I’m sure he’ll make it happen. Finally, what non-english speaking country would you live in? Mexico was suggested, so was France and Italy, and Canada, but nowhere in Africa or Asia cause people are still pissed when whitey shows up there. I guess we got a bad history over in those places or something. then Jason mentioned Thailand and it was decided that street fights and cheap hookers is the best way to spend your golden years. And what better way to introduce Awesome World by Death!Death!Die! than by talking about a place where lots of tourists die every year?
You know what time it is guys, it’s NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First up was a couple old enemies of the show, We Outspoken with their new EP that would make them eligible for another ass whooping at an upcoming EllisMania, maybe number ten when they start the Hall Of Fame thing for greatest band to get beaten to a pulp by a forty year old guy with arthritis in his knees. After that we heard BREAKING NEWS about Miesha Tate and she may be coming on the show sometime soon. Next up was one from the General of the Battleaxe Warriors, MADCHILD and if you like music that takes effort and skill, you should go buy Lawnmower Man and crank it the fuck up. Next down the line was from Revocation and the intro was great and then it broke into a solid banjo riff shortly thereafter followed by a vocalist that didn’t sound like a 19 year old man on his period. Next was a rapper named Ka and it sounded pretty much like the kind of hip hop you hear at a graffiti gallery opening, but not the worst shit I’ve ever heard. After that was the new single from all the other guys in Disturbed, calling themselves Fight or Flight and much like Disturbed, the only thing disturbing is the fact that these guys are getting paid for this shit. Next waste of valuable studio time we heard was Capitol Cities and if you feel like dumping money into a bucket of period blood, go on ahead and grab that album. After that we got a taste of the new Newsted album and I’m glad there’s somebody keeping the original sound of metal alive so the kids don’t forget where they got all the shit they liked. Elvis Costello hasn’t retired yet and we got to hear what he’s been doing lately and it wasn’t really my thing, but it’s Elvis Costello and Weezer wouldn’t be shit without biting his style so there you go. Next we heard Power Wolf and they did not immediately live up to their name, but then followed that up with super poppy German rock sounds that sound very familiar to an emo band trying to rip off Rise Against. And then after we all got that giant rubber fist out of our ass, we got to hear Iwrestledabearonce and I’ve been hearing this band’s name for a long time, but never actually heard about them wrestling a bear. Oh, right the music, it was actually pretty good, and for a female lead singer to be belting out metal riffs is a fuckin’ champion move. Next we got to die a little while listening to the third reinvention of Marc Anthony and while he might have smashed that J-Lo pussy, that doesn’t redeem anything else about his music, but Benji and Joel Madden like him, so maybe I’m wrong. After that was a new one from Exhumed and it was cookie monster bullshit but the drummer was fuckin’ raging. The Polyphonic Spree should have died in a plane crash, but instead they released a new album that makes me want them to die in an even more horrifying plane crash. Yep, all 23 of those assholes. And Finally Rawdog’s pick of the week was some guy who used to be in Husker Du and it was of course his normal uncategorizable shit that has no real genre or talent associated with it. And now that that’s out of the way, how about some Stevie Nicks?
SHARK FUCKING NEWS!!! I mean, not news about fucking a shark, but fucking news… that has sharks… yeah. A guy got his leg all fucked up by a shark while he was spear fishing and now he’s waiting for a skin graft cause the ocean doesn’t need your help controlling the animal population. Interesting sidenote to this story, this guy has also been beaten up by monkeys TWICE which makes me think that medical science needs to stop repairing his injuries and let the circle of life just do what it’s gonna do. Just goes to show you that some people just insist on getting killed doing stupid shit with animals that they shouldn’t be poking. Rawdog found a pretty awesome story about a news caster who discovered his true feelings that he wanted to live as a woman, but a couple weeks ago he woke up from a case of amnesia to find that he didn’t want to be a woman but he totally had some titties and was in a dress, maybe thought that he was just waking up from a really bitchin’ kegger and his friends were playing a prank on him. If you watched the UFC this weekend, you may have noticed Jose Aldo limping a bit it’s because he broke his fucking foot in the first round then kept going. And in other news, American law enforcement needs to chill the fuck out because now for some reason they think they’re allowed to arrest people in Canada, and I say FUCK YOU PIGS! YOUR SWAT TEAM IS NO MATCH FOR THOUSANDS OF DRUNKEN HOCKEY FANS ON MOOSE BACK!!! And in case you give a fuck, Bill Clinton has been vegan for the last three years, probably cause of that whole heart condition thing he had going on. And two honky ass Mormons straight hustled a couple black guys in a game of street B-Ball and the video is all over the internet. Ellis decided to get proactive about how shitty final calls can be, so he tweeted that it was gonna be final calls time, and that there’s not gonna be a phone screener, and that if you have something to say, make sure it’s good and don’t waste any time getting it out of your mouth. It seemed to start off pretty well with legitimate questions about how EllisMania is gonna play out and people responded to “hello” quickly, there may be a new WolfKnives shoe from Globe and the t-shirt contest has some awesome entries that are getting close to being put in the final decision. Still a few guys that had to ask what number they were calling, but for the most part it was better than normal. Maybe this could prevent the wave of stupidity that always fills the last fifteen minutes of the day. It would certainly start restoring some of my faith in humanity.
So I’m not gonna end this recap with one of my normal surreal life lessons, what I am gonna say is a big congratulations to my sister who had a healthy baby boy named Ryan Thomas Garrity at 1 o’clock yesterday afternoon. 8 lbs. 15 oz and all the right parts in all the right places. She’s doing well and everybody’s happy to meet him.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
