Welcome to the recap live from the Staple Center and the X-Games! Okay, you’re not really at the Staple Center and this recap isn’t live but who gives a fuck, it’s Friday. Remember that time Tully almost killed Johnny Moseley (1) at his first X-Games by driving on the wrong side of the road? Tully does, and Johnny probably does too. Be prepared folks, that’s only the first of many many name drops today. Bob Burquist (2) did some gnarly trick and broke his nose or something, ask Tony Hawk (3), he was there. Elliot Sloan (4) did a golden 720 pipe grab and won whatever he was in. Ramona Brewland (5), Jake Brown (6), Mitchie Brusko (7), and Jagger Eaton (8) to also namedrop a few. Ellis took a ride in Ken Block’s (9) car today and if you were looking forward too Ellis’s go pro video then your shit out of luck. But the other guys in Ken’s crew took care of it so you’re back in shit luck. Speaking of shit, Nick Swardson (10) almost crapped himself, not on purpose this time. I guess he was a bit scared to ride in a $750,000 death machine. Pussy. Last night Tully went and saw Joan Jett, Rawdog went to a comedy show, and Dingo was texting Ellis how great of a time he’s having and that he should be there instead of going to bed. Josh Hansen (11) took gold in Best Whip and Twitch (12) took second and that one chick went home because boys don’t play fair. Ellis talked about the movie he watched about Nazis and Jews and drugs and Robocop and giant alien bugs and a girl with three boobs. Wolfknife Cat Bathtub, who works for the X-Games, stopped by and reminisced about the days Ellis was a contestant and how pleasant it was to work with him.
In Aussie News a defense attorney warns that there may someday be an infiltration of shitty poorer countries because Australia is so sweet. Speaking of Aussie News, the club that Dingo went to had a live kangaroo, the club that he didn’t invite Ellis to. But he did invite Ellis to the kangaroo less club tonight, but who the fuck wants to go to a club that doesn’t have a kangaroo! I guess this party was done by some big shoe designer friend of Dingos. Tony Hawk twittered a video of a police officer hitting a kid with his car intentionally, allegedly. Elliot Sloan won the Mega Ramp. The entire thing, he’s gonna have a hell of a time getting it home. Cue the snare drum and symbol. Then they stared talking about the UFC Tito, Rampage, Dana, Bellator, live from the X-Games in the Staple Center. Josh Hanson and Twitch took a moment from their practice to hang out and talk moto and shitty penis tattoos. And balls, moto dudes and moto announcers love to talk about balls! Hanson thinks the one chick has a tidy ass but not the other chick, he doesn’t know about that other girls ass. They all talked a lot and on top of each other but it was entertaining as fuck.
Jack Whites ex wife filed a restraining order against him because she’s a cunt and he’s an asshole. The guys took a few calls and they sounded like shit. Not because of the constant revving of the dirt bikes but because the callers suck. Some lady with cows thinks aliens cut off their tits and did burn outs in her pasture. A 22 yer old Missouri man is the first person to be proven to be turned on by farts. Back to the live X-Games practice coverage. A dude on a gold bike did this one trick and did awesome then stalled it. Another dude did this one thing that kicked ass. One guy on an orange bike got laughed at, and everything sounds like farts. Shawn Malto (13) stood the guys up like the hot chick on high school that you finally got the nerve to ask out and meet up at the pizzeria and you wait there all night until they close and she never shows up only to tell you the next day that she forgot. Bitch.
Maricopa County is the hotspot for an outbreak of bloody diarrhea. The eleven people that have been admitted all know each other. Josh thinks they were using glass dildos way too roughly and as everyone knows, rigorous masturbation with a glass dildo can be dangerous. Ronnie Renner (14) joined the dildo discussion. He is competing in the Step Up competition, which I picture is something like Super Mario on a motorbike. Surprisingly enough they didn’t talk about moto. Okay I’m lying, they only talked about moto. Even the part about his kids and finishing early, still moto talk. Except when they talked about surfing which was equally exciting.
Breaking news, the bloody diarrhea has been tracked to the Fredericos in Litchfield Park. If you have eaten at this restaurant and are now shitting blood (shitting blood is metal) please call the authorities immediately. Thank you for reading today’s recap live from the Staple Center and the X-Games, I have a phone call to make. Tell yer mum I’ll see her later, OH no!