Show Re-cap For Tuesday 7/17/2012

More than meets the brown eye, fear the fabulousness!

Hey, hey, AD from Houston here with another re-cap. Seriously though, who the fuck is AD? Why is he in Houston, what the fuck is there? Does he do anything besides Faction updates? Is AD even a real human or is it a computer? Questions like these are what made Arsenio Hall go “hmmmm”. Jude came on to talk about how pilled out he was during the first part of EllisMania 8 and how he had a great time hanging out with Ellis fans. And there was more talk about Rawdog potentially being known as “Fag-a-tron” since his Shade 45 rap debut, which of course he isn’t, just as long as you don’t ask Jude’s listeners. Ellis’ knee is all filled up with fluid and looking pretty gnarled, that’s gotta feel great, shout out to Mayhem – ya dumb shit. He also took the liberty of steeling the motorcycle helmet that Chad Reed (the guitarist in D!D!D!) wears during shows, and won’t give it back. Props again to that dude for upping his douche level on the market by a solid 3 points.

As we age, we all get to a point where we just don’t care about some things anymore.

Ellis wants to make EllisMania 9 even bigger, but he knows that the bigger it gets, the more stressful things will become and more chances of pissing someone off. But, like a lot of people, he’s always striving for more, so much so in fact that he tends to never be satisfied with what he has recently accomplished. That spawned some interesting conversation from the guys concerning their own work ethics, how they feel about where they’ve come from to where they are now in their lives, etc. Tully talked about how while working for Carson Daly, his highlight was getting Carson to read something he wrote. A very familiar feeling for some of us who tweet the show like we’re mute and suffer from tourettes syndrome, I’m sure most of us enjoy hearing our tweets get read on the show. I don’t know if it’s so much for the recognition as it to just hear something you’ve created be good enough to be repeated to listeners. The whole conversation was actually pretty interesting, maybe more so to the older crowd versus the younger crowd, but it had some pretty good insights and retrospectives for everyone.

AIDs sandwich: Bread, mayonnaise, cheese, and extra AIDs.

Some dude was eating airplane food and got stabbed in the mouth with a needle, and now he’s on AIDs medication. Nope, that’s not a joke, it’s for real. Where’s the fuckin’ TSA on that one? Probably busy putting AIDs infected needles in airplane food. Take that TSA! Internet balls are all swollen! The Boy Scouts are still banning homosexuality, shocking, I know – a religion based group against homosexuality? Some listener called into say he was once a Boy Scout and that they are some hardcore brother fuckers. I can only assume that is very true. Speaking of AIDs sandwich, your mom used to employee of the month at Subway for several years running. Not because she did a great job at making AIDs sandwiches, but because she was the one that came up with the $5 footlong specials, and as you might have guessed, it wasn’t about sandwiches at all. She was the talk of North America and doing great until it was revealed that instead of using mayonnaise, she would regurgitate all the loads she swallowed into the dispenser – essentially baby birding everyone with cum. At that point, Jared broke up with her and began his new diet. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 7/16/2012

DanOD5 getting his interview on after some thuggery

Holy shit, I’m still reeling from @DanOD5 winning his fights! That had to of been one of the bigger surprises that night, I think, maybe, or maybe not. I dunno. I know I was floored. Rawdog officiated a marriage between two lesbians while they were in Vegas, and according to Cullen, he then promptly started trying to sleep with one of them but he got cock blocked by smooth operator Jude. Or maybe it was just the massive zit embryo he had festering on his face. Ellis couldn’t take it anymore and cut the umbilical cord on that sucker for him today on the show. After knocking Gay Bruediger out in the second round, while Ellis was celebrating his victory, he got a little surprise. He got kicked in the leg by Forrest Griffin and then Mayhem got him really good in the knee and fucked up his PCL. Congratulations on your win, now find a wheelchair and fill up on the pain meds! I guess that’s how some MMA guys like to congratulate each other.

MMA Sasquatch lurking and rubbing his jerky in the background

Dingo started one of the rounds in his fight on the top turnbuckle, what a fucking champ! Both he and Danny (not OD5) had been drinking before & during their fight and mysteriously after their fight, there was a vomit trail leading down a set of stairs. I’m guessing that could have been a combination of Jack Daniels, being out of breath, and getting socked in the stomach by MMA Sasquatch. Ellis was awarded the MVP trophy and promptly gave it to @FaceplantLauren and @Shanwize1 for their epic battle in the ring during the “Humongous Bitch” fight, in which Lauren won. By most accounts, it was the best fight of the night and deserving of the MVP trophy. And now seems like a good time to give you a re-cap of the rest of the fights and the winners: Cumtard defeated @shit_toboggan, @Dutch_RDS ended up winning the blindfold shock collar fight, some dude dressed as a belly dancer beat out @Cogdeth in the musical chair fight, and @TheRealRubyR defeated Rawdog.

Mayhem Bot making his rap debut with Death! Death! Die!

Apparently Mayhem was pretty blasted after the fights, but I guess he deserved it after his performance the previous night at the Death! Death! Die! concert. Tully said there were quite a few people who said that was probably the best show the band has put on. So congratulations to everybody in the band as well as the guest stars, everybody in the bikini contest from Friday, and everybody that participated in the fights on Saturday night! And shout out to all the other peeps who got to go to Vegas to experience EllisMania 8 in person! Even though the entire weekends worth of shows put on by EllisMania were probably wicked sick yo, I’m willing to bet if you were to ask everyone who went “what was the best part”, most would answer “meeting everyone” – but since I didn’t go, I can only speculate. At any rate, I’m glad to see you all had fun and all (or most all) have made it home safe sound. I mean shit, just think of how horrible it would be if something bad had happened to you there? Who knows, maybe you would’ve never gotten the chance to kiss your mom’s jizz covered face ever again. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 7/13/2012

Danny O’Donnell vs Alicia Leii

Welp. It’s Friday the 13th, and a lot of you lucky mofo’s are already in Vegas for EllisMania 8. Nobody even invited me. So here I sit, writing a re-cap for your asses, clicking furiously on tweets tagged with #EM8, and getting my box of tissues ready for the bikini contest. But guess what? I lied to you guys again today. But it was a good lie, I swear it! I started shouting out @emilyinSD, @tank_yanker, & @mike_in_canada, claiming it was all of their birthdays. I saw several re-tweets and happy birthday wishes flying. It was glorious! Even though it may not have been their birthdays, just think of how good you made them feel by wishing them one! And guess what, you made my day that much more awesome too by perpetuating my lie! I’ve told you before, I’m a pretty fucked up individual. So see, it wasn’t a bad lie. We got to hear the usual suspects being introduced at the start of the show from Vegas. @DanOD5 turned up as JagerBeard, already drunk and high and sitting on Uncle Mayhem’s lap and semi-chubbed up. And that’s when the real JagerBeard came on the scene to take a large shot of Jager and it sounded like he almost hurled.

Dead Acid Cunt vs Some Hot Readhead in the “Yo Momma Round”

Weigh-ins sounded pretty hysterical with Alicia pushing Dan around and Rawdog telling Ruby that he’s ready to kick her 111 pound ass. Gay Bruediger weighed in at 190 pounds while Ellis weighed in at 198 – let’s just keep in mind that Mayhem was working the scales. Gay started acting a fool almost immediately and ended up threatening to beat up Tully and Rawdog if they played the Jingleberries song about him for his walkout music. There was a quick “Doing stuff with Rawdog” segment, which is always a pleasure to hear and very informative, especially the “how to put on a condom correctly” and “how to insert a tampon correctly” pieces.

Bikini contest winner showing one of her techniques

Rawdog’s go to foreplay move is “necking” and aggressively playing with “titties”, I’m ready for love just typing that shit. The bikini contest was next up on the list of show segments, there were 10 fine ladies who entered the contest and was almost widdled down to 9 after one of the contestants flashed her titties at the crowd. After security talked to her and saw her tits up close, she was allowed to stay and the competition continued. The entire contest was broadcast for free, in streaming HD on Ellismania.com. Shout out to Dead Acid Cunt (@freedrose) for being the runner up and Dead Acid Balls (@hendro9364) for banging that shit!

Your mom’s motto

The remainder of the time was spent with Ellis walking through the crowd taking final calls from fans in the crowd. There were quite a few people who apparently purchased their Wolfknives membership at the show, and they all got their gang names. Mayhem will be debuting his newest career skills tonight as a rapper, and I’m guessing Katie is getting banged in the butt later in the night. And that pretty much wraps up this re-cap, I hope everyone in Vegas for EllisMania 8 is having a great time and staying frosty! I have one last question for you. You know how sometimes when you see really, really, morbidly obese people and you aren’t sure if they’re a man or a woman? Wait, of course you do – you’ve seen your mom lots. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 7/12/2012

Since nobody is listening to the Ellis show then nobody is reading this. Now I finally feel free to let loose my deepest darkest secret, I once rode a Moped. Wow what a relief, I am finally free. Thanks to modern and future modern medicine we might start living until we’re about 100 years old! That’s a long fucking time, I’d rather live to 80 and never know the joys of shitting into a plastic bag. Ellis got the call that the A6K is fixed, again, and Katie is going to drive it back to LA from Vegas. Some people have been bitching about Ellis selling things like the Wolfknives, Ellismania.com, Ellismania, and other stuff. I agree, what a bunch of bull, what gives someone the right to make money where money is to be made. This is ridiculous and Unamerican. Fuck off you pompous pricks who bitch about this, next time go to your favorite sports team and bitch about the stuff they’re trying to sell you. There was a MMA fight and they talked about it, someone one. That’s all I remember. More MMA news though, Shane Carwin and Roy “Big Country” Nelson will be the coaches of next seasons The Ultimate Fighter.

EllisFam in Vegas, there will be Monsoons and for those that aren’t Desert Rats, this means rain and lightning, but you’ll be drunk and won’t give a fuck. Somebody wrote something about Swamp People being a bad show, that guy can fuck off also. Don’t bitch about something until you fully know the reasons behind it, not to mention that is a great way to look into the lives of people with a very different culture. The Wolfknifes are NOT a motorcycle club so no worries about other clubs gettin’ all up in our turf, we can just get back on our scooters and ride away.

Hey guys, Propecia will fuck up your junk, just get a hat. Tully is 35 today, so happy birthday you sarcastic fuck. Ellis brought in a giant dick cake that Tully couldn’t resist deep throating, up to the balls I heard! Rawdog bought him that book about some Burping kid who died and saw his salamander sister in heaven and then came back to life. Also for his birthday he brought us yet another new episode of Women, Am I Right? and again, I am memorized at all the crazy shit women do. Please ladies, just stop, its for your own good. One of the stories was about a middle aged lady, naked and spread eagle, passed out in her front yard. This reminds me of the time yer mum passed out naked in my yard, the grass still won’t grow in the spot where her crusty jizz catcher was, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 7/11/2012

Welcome to the Dog Center Re-Cap, and now fuck that shit. Ellis was a little late this afternoon but he got in and that is what counts. Ellis was late I assume because he was sparring Mayhem and he said that he is faster, stronger, and has more stamina than he has ever had in his life. As Ellis arrived he noticed that something was wrong with the console, his headphones and everything else in the studio. It would seem that Shoebox is throwing one hell of a party in there after the show ends. Some exciting news for the EllisFam that are to broke to go to Ellismania, the bikini contest on Friday will be aired live on Ellismania.com for FREE! That’s right folks, listen to scantily clad women tell you what Mr T means to them.

The worlds heaviest woman, 643 pounds, got so fat because she got dumped and started eating but when she got famous for being a tub of lard her ex-boyfriend came back. Now because he is such a chubby chaser they are bumping uglies seven times a day and she has now lost a whoppin 100 pounds. Way to go champ and thanks for taking one for the team. Mayhem came in about midway through the show and recanted his epic tale of danger and excitement from his recent camping trip to Yosemite National Park. Sometime during the trip his girlfriend managed to wander off and get lost. She ended up spending the night snuggled up to a rock in near freezing temperatures. If this chick can hang with Jason then this night in the woods was probably a walk in the park. Doc Banger made his debut on Shade 45 with Rude Jude and unfortunately if you didn’t change the channel, all you would have heard is New York screwin the pooch again. Tully called them, gave them some strong words, talked about their mommas, and BOOM the show was back just in time for the Love It or Hate It segment. Surprisingly enough, they hated it. I would love to tell you what all was said, but this is the part where I direct you to our friend, @Cobratitis, who has it here.

I want to crawl inside your butt hole and live there like a gerbil.

Daniel Tosh made some chick mad for making a joke about rape or something, apparently he didn’t yell surprise so she got all butt hurt and now he had to apologize. The biggest crime in this is that he has yet to apologize to the millions of others that he constantly rapes in the ear holes with his TV show. Shannon Gunz came into the Swing House today to get things ready for Friday and Ellis called her into the studio. After some friendly banter they started talking about the bikini contest and then asked Shannon some sample questions. The biggest shocker in this entire thing is that she doesn’t know who Mr. T is, doesn’t know at least one racist joke, was a taco slammin cookie licker in college, and she doesn’t know any “Yo Momma” jokes. Tully, Jason, and Josh really had some good ones, but do you know the true origin of the “Yo Momma” joke? They’re all about yer mum, except the one about shitting in a toilet, we all know she just shits her pants, OH!