If you’re not familiar, 中Jersey Mike中 (@jerseymike334) made quite a few parody songs for TJES, most (if not all) have been featured on the show – some are still in use on the show to this day. And he was kind enough to send them over to us so we could share them with the rest of you! Enjoy, this guy made some legendary shit – show him some love!
As she stirred in the morning hour barely awake, she felt it, that familiar feeling down there. Down between her thighs she felt the usual and rather expected feeling, the wanting of touch. Still a little groggy from the nights sleep she reached her hand down and felt it. Yearning for her delicate and soft fingers, she touched it, and the more she touched the more she wanted. First one finger, then two, and then her entire hand was petting, rubbing, feeling, loving. Soon she was rubbing faster, harder but she wanted more. She was insatiable, still wanting, and so she gave, more and more. Soon time had passed without recognition and she realized that she must rise from her bed, but she wasn’t done. “Another couple minutes,” she told herself. She felt the affection that ran through her body, her love for her touch. In this instant, it happened, she stopped petting Sandy, her cat, and got ready for work.
THE END YOU PERVERTS!
I’m going to tell you a story about me, a man, and a dog. I know how that may sound. But this isn’t your typical story about me, a man, and a dog. This one is different.
I had just gotten home from work, I was outside setting up sprinklers to water my lawn when I noticed someone walking down the street with a dog in front on a leash. The owner was tugging back and forth and scolding the dog the entire way. Clearly this dog did not want to listen and just did whatever it wanted, the owner was just along from the ride. As the man and dog kept walking and approached closer, I realized he and the dog seemed familiar. My mind raced to place the face with a name, but I was drawing a blank. I remember thinking, “It’s just a neighbor, neighbor’s friend, or a family member I just haven’t noticed before.”
As I stayed busy adjusting the sprinklers for optimal coverage, I kept an eye on the semi-familiar man and his dog walking down the street. As they came closer, the dog was straining to get to me, not in a “I want to bite you” sort of way, but in a playful and curious sort of way. I was not frightened. I bent down and held my hand out as the owner let some slack out on the leash to allow his dog to come closer. “Don’t worry, he won’t bite!”, shouted the man. I could tell this just by the dog’s attitude and looks, and trusted the mans words. The dog instantly approached me and began to push his wet snout into my hand. “That’s a good boy! Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy, that’s right!” I repeat.
The man catches up and starts to make typical, friendly chit-chat. “How are you doing? It’s pretty hot out here isn’t it?” I exclaim, “No doubt! It hot enough to make me consider quitting smoking!” We share a small laugh as the dog has become increasingly infatuated with me and had gone from smelling my hand, to licking my hand and using his nose as if he was showing me how he wanted me to pet him. I pet the dog, gave him a few “that’s a good boy” slaps on the ass and he was instantly my best friend. As the man and I continue to make small talk, the dog rolls over on his belly and starts motioning with his paws, as if to be saying “Hey, come on man, rub my belly, please!” He was so cute, I couldn’t bare to disappoint him, so I obliged and began to scratch his belly, chest, and armpits. We was in heaven.
The man continues, “Wow, he’s really taking a liking to you. Tell ya’ what. I’m getting ready to move for work and I can’t bring the dog with me. He seems to really like you, would you want him?” Perplexed and caught off guard, I began to fumble my words, almost just blurting out the stream of conscious racing through my head. “Well… I don’t… What does he even… How would I… I guess, dude.” Did that just come out of my mouth? Yes. Yes it did. I just agreed to take this familiar looking stranger’s, familiar looking dog, as my own. What the fuck was I thinking?! I didn’t know, I felt numb. The man can tell I’m scrambling to think, he interjects “Tell you what. I’m going to go get his papers to show you and while I do, why don’t you take this leash and keep on eye on the dog. I’ll be right back.” I’m instantly thinking this guy is just leaving me with his dog and is never returning.
I’m waiting. each minute feels like a half hour. As I’m looking at the dog and trying to think of what the fuck I’m supposed to do, I realize I’m gazing at the dog. He’s licking his legs, his ass, his balls, and now he’s concentrated on his little doggy dick. “Dude! What the fuck?! Stop! You sick fucker! Your pink thing is out now, you moron!” I yelled. His tongue is still going a million miles an hour and I’m thinking that I’m about to watch this fucking dog climax. I don’t know if I should smack him with a shovel or just leave and abandon this fucking dog. Suddenly I hear a shout “STOP THAT! STOP! STOP IT!” The man is running down the street, shouting at this fucking dog to stop giving himself head. I’m still in shock, a dog is leaning against my legs and ready to climax, and a strange man with a faux-hawk hair style is running towards me. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.
As the man is getting closer, he pulls out brownie and the dog starts kind of sitting / laying on the ground and dragging himself forwards. “Dude! Is this fucking dog jizzing all over my grass?” I exclaimed. “Man, I’m real sorry about that. It’s gross, but he does that sometimes. Usually I can give him a brownie and he chills out and won’t do that.” the man explains. He continues to show the dog this brownie, the dog has finished and is now lumbering towards his treat. I don’t know if it’s telling the dog “good job” or if it’s to calm this fucker down. The dog gobbles up the treat and is soon sprawled out and napping right where he was. “Here man, I brought over his papers. I swear that doesn’t happen often. Just give him one of these brownies right when you see him getting worked up and he’ll pass out instead.” says the man. I some what reluctantly go along with all of this for some reason. I’m still in shock of what just happened to my life in the span of 10 minutes.
The man continues to rattle off things about the dog, his eating habits, what to do, what not to do, etc. I’m trying to let all this sink in as much as possible. I felt like I was being given keys to safe that I never knew existed and it was filled with gold. As the man continues blurting out all sorts of information to me, my mind starts to slow down. In a split second, I’m thinking “Brain! Don’t do this right now, you can’t shut down on me! We really need this information!” My brain isn’t responding. it’s slowing down no matter what I want. Another thought pops into my head. I know this man! I know this dog! I’m filled with clarity now, I realize everything in a flash. I’ve got it!
As the man hands me a pack of rolling papers, I realize the bag of brownies he gave me are pot brownies. I look down at the dog and mutter, “I’m on to you!” and quickly turn to the man and say, “Look dude, I’m taking these pot brownies and these rolling papers, but the dog goes back with you! I hadn’t realize it before, but I now know exactly who you and your dog are.” The man looked shocked, even his dog looked shocked. They were busted, and they knew it. As I turned to go back and continue watering my lawn, as if to tell the pair that I was on to them and they should’ve known better, I said my final words to them before they walked off down the street. I said, “See ya Pendarvis, and stop cumming on people’s shit, Rawdog! Love the show, by the way!”
BOOM!
Here is another round of asking my wife shit. As some of you may remember, I previously asked all you mofo’s “If You Could Ask My Wife One Question, What Would It Be?” and everyone really seemed to like it, even my wife – and she’s no fun. Just kidding honey, (but not really) the questions and answers were pretty funny last time, so let’s see how this round turned out. And as before, I let her pick the questions she wanted to answer and didn’t alter anything.
@CptnSparky: how old is @bitchPimps?
@bitchPimps: Lets just say bitchPimps robbed the cradle.
Brought to you by, CougarLife.com!
@steveanonymus2: take his fucking account away from him lol
@bitchPimps: Noway. Then we’d actually have to talk and spend time together and shit.
Where would I find the time to post smut?
@CptnSparky: If it were to go down, who would join you two, if a celebrity would join you in bed for a threesome? #OutOfLine #IKnow
@bitchPimps: Couldn’t we just make it a foursome, one for me and one for him?
Could we do it in separate rooms? I don’t want to be anywhere near Paul Walker.
@CptnSparky: Have you ever attempted any of @EllisMate‘s ‘reverse’ sexual positions? i.e. reverse chicken wing bowl, ect..,
@bitchPimps: I may not be up on the latest sex lingo but I’m pretty sure a reverse chicken wing bowl is not in my near future.
Looks like it’s going down prison style!
@CptnSparky: Have you witnessed @bitpimps do any illegal shit?
@bitchPimps: Oh yes. I had the great pleasure of hitting up the ATM at 4am to get money to bail him out of jail. Ah, memories.
That was some bullshit too!
@bwstrangler: ok back to that magical night in that sketchy hotel room, what was it that got things Hot and heavy? #Part1
@bitchPimps: My mouth and his bit.
I was gonna say when Jackie Gleason appeared in the movie.
@CptnSparky: what is a guilty pleasure of @bitPimps music wise, that he loves but would probably rather no one else knew?
@bitchPimps: I do remember having a conversation with him one time about Madonna.
Look, that was back when she was do-able.
@tank_yanker: what’s the weirdest, most disgusting thing you’ve ever caught him doing? #TopFive #IfYouCantDecide
@bitchPimps: Wow, you just want me to list one? Honestly, he doesn’t hide the disgusting things he does. He does that shit right out in the open. Should we talk about him playing with and being so proud of the 4 inch nipple hair he had or the cutting of his toenails on my back porch?
Dead sexy. I’m a lady killer!
@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite position?
@bitchPimps: Sitting.
I forget the name of the position, but I like when you’re shutting the fuck up. HEYOH!
@mrsjessliv: Name 3 things that make you horny.
@bitchPimps: A clean house, laundry done and my fucking car washed.
I’ve done all that shit before, she’s lying.
@mrsjessliv: Does toothpaste or cough drops irritate you vag? #Random #IHateIt
@bitchPimps: What the fuck kind of question is that?
She’s married to a bubble wrap strangler, go figure. lol
@CptnSparky: Have you ever encorporated a little strip tease into an evening of seduction at home with @bitPimps?
@bitchPimps: Hell no, we’d be so busy laughing there would be no boner.
We did bang while she was doing a Splash Dance routine once!
@CptnSparky: Has Twitter had a positive or negative effect on your relationship?
@bitchPimps: If he’s happy, I’m happy.
Lies! Outright lies! You’re not happy unless I’m miserable.
@CptnSparky: How do you feel about Canadians, in general?
@bitchPimps: I love them! That’s my homeland bitch! Ok, they talk a little funny.
Pft! Pshhh! A little?
@bwstrangler: Do u feel like u posses the strength to rip out a mans testical? Have u ever urinated in the back of a cop car?
@bitchPimps: Absolutely and Absolutely not.
Take a walk on the wild side, add that one to the bucket list.
@AZ_RedDragon: If you woke up as a dude, would you jack off, pee on something, or do the helicopter in front of @bitPimps?
@bitchPimps: I would immediately fondle my wife’s boobs.
I like your style.
@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite scary movie?
@bitchPimps: I’m a huge chickenshit. I don’t like scary movies.
Verified. She also cries at commercials.
@bwstrangler: U have the chance to date master P’s son, some jerseyshore dickhead, or some shitbag named Jeremy, who do u pick? #FuckINeedCable
@bitchPimps: Nice choices. I think I’d rather play a game of Kill, Fuck, Marry.
I hope you’d kill the jerseyshore dickhead.
@Truk_Norris: Is it true that @bitPimps #LovesTheCock
@bitchPimps: Only his own.
My cock is pretty fuckin’ awesome.
@AZ_RedDragon: Is @bitPimps allowed to go to Ellis Mania with me next year? #BetterAskTheBoss #Pleeaaaasssseeee
@bitchPimps: He’s a big boy, he can make that decision all on his own. The real question is, would he want to go with you?
You have no idea what you just agreed to.
@AZ_RedDragon: If @bitPimps nuts were really nuts what kind of nuts would they be?
@bitchPimps: Are there real nuts that big?
BOOM!
@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite nickname for your vag? Does Bit call it something special? #JuiceBox #CreamPie #Swamp
@bitchPimps: bitvag.
I’m a gentleman, I usually call it a gash.
@mrsjessliv: How do you feel about anal sex?
@bitchPimps: NO. Simple.
You can scream and cry all you want, that just makes it hotter!
@itswillbitches: if your pink taco aka vagina was a real taco, would it be a soft, hard or doritos taco?
@bitchPimps: Holy shit dude, if there is seriously someone out there that could compare their vag to a hard or doritos taco, they’ve got serious problems.
So… soft taco?
@itswillbitches: if you chose a life of crime, what would be your path chosen? (mob, drugs, fraud, hooker etc.)
@bitchPimps: Assassin. Wait, make that a very hot, sexy assassin.
I’d give you your first contract, a hit on the entire Offspring band.
@mrsjessliv: What’s more funny… Chest or vag farts? #IPreferChest
@bitchPimps: WTF is a chest fart? My boobs must not be big enough.
Christmas is coming up!
@mrsjessliv: spit or swallow? #DependsWhatHeDrinksHuh?
@bitchPimps: Never waste a good thing.
‘Atta girl!
@itswillbitches: if you were held hostage and your captors were to rape you with an animal, would you choose a mouse, snake or horse?
@bitchPimps: Wait, is bitPimps sharing our bedroom fantasies again?
I swear, I only mentioned it once, and that was in passing!
@mrsjessliv: Beatles or Stones?
@bitchPimps: Both.
Tom Cruise.
@itswillbitches: what flavour of cake would you most prefer to be eaten out of your vag?
@bitchPimps: There would be no cake. bitPimps doesn’t have a sweet tooth.
Fuck a bunch of candy, gangster.
@itswillbitches: out of all the soda flavours available, which do you think would be the bully, the emo, the jock and the nerd?
@bitchPimps: Pespi. It has multiple personalities.
Why the fuck are we talking about soda?
@mrsjessliv: How did you meet the man of your dreams? And how did Bit steal you away?
@bitchPimps: When you can’t have Paul Walker you settle for second best.
You know I could beat the life outta that little bitch.
@itswillbitches: if you were at a disney theme park, whom would be the first character that you would hug?
@bitchPimps: Could we invite Buggs Bunny? Don’t really have a fav Disney character.
I’d go for the one with the biggest tits.
@itswillbitches: would you rather be bit by a swarm of mosquitoes nonstop 4 a week, a giant spider 4 a day or bit’s dad 4 3 hours?
@bitchPimps: OMG. And yet another fucked up image of my father in-law. Thanks.
HAHAHAA! That’s awesome.
@itswillbitches: do you prefer to use ketchup or catsup?
@bitchPimps: Ketchup, the way normal fucking people say it.
Yea man, down with catsup! Fuck the man!
@itswillbitches: do you know how awesome it is to lay down in the middle of a street? #drugquestion
@bitchPimps: As a matter of fact, I do.
You know how awesome it is to be tripping on ‘shrooms and going to the cereal isle of the grocery store? Let me tell you, really fucking awesome!
@AZ_RedDragon: Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Better have your camera ready! #GreatViewFromTheTop
@bitchPimps: Is that your way of asking if I’m fat?? And yes, I can.
Big deal, so can I. You ain’t so special!
@Truk_Norris: Have you ever gaped @bitPimps with your lady fist?
@bitchPimps: Wow.
I know, right? That was an great time! I had no idea a chair leg would fit.
@bwstrangler: If u had one song to take a shot and or have a drink too what is that song?
@bitchPimps: Anything by Jack Johnson or Maroon 5. Depends on what drink I’m on.
That has to be the gayest possible answer.
@AZ_RedDragon: Do you get annoyed with @bitPimps obsession with the show as much as my wife does?
@bitchPimps: Not really annoyed, just uninterested.
You liked when callers had to sing to R. Kelly’s Ignition.
And that’s a wrap folks! Give yourselves a round of applause. And give me all your lovin’, ZZ Top style! Until next time.
Preface: This was supposed to be published last Friday. It would have been funnier because the joke would have been more clear in everyone’s memory. However, as you can see, it was not published Friday – so just try to remember…
Born just 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds after his famous older twin brother, Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber’s life was tough from the very beginning. His beady-eyed Canadian mother Patricia Lynn “Fucktard” Mallette, was just 18 years old when she became pregnant with the Devil and his twin. The family soon realized just how “special” Nicholas was soon after delivery, he looked as if he had fallen from Heaven because his face was so fucked up. While doctors feverishly tried to mash his pliable forehead back into shape, they had forgotten about his eyes, and therein lies his signature look. A look that has only recently come to light and has also come to define him. Not much is known about Nicholas partly due to the families secrecy and the poor recording of medical records by the Canadians due to their beady eyes and lack of lighting in their tunnels. Other than a couple of alleged sightings, the Bieber family has kept this secret well hidden.
As Justin gained recognition and popularity with his first full-length studio album “My World 2.0”, Nicholas, who had always tried to emulate his twin brother, had planned his own studio album called “Uhhnnngg Cream Corn 18.11.042” which was really just his family’s attempt to please Nicholas and his fits of rage, but was never really intended to be recorded or released. During one of these fake recording sessions, tragedy struck as Nicholas started biting everyone in the home studio that was setup for Justin and Usher to record and make out in. By this time, Nicholas was already a “family secret” and was never in the spotlight much less revealed to the public. Fans were shocked to even learn of his existence. None the less, Nicholas had actually managed to mash buttons until several songs were recorded and uploaded to YouPorn by accident. The songs, “Cream-Cream-Cream In My Corn” and “The Fart Dance” were used in conjunction with a 34 minute cumshot compilation featuring an unknown penis ejaculating into a bowl full of corn and a series of shots of anuses farting with cum squirting out. Not long after breaking into the mainstream world, Justin would start forming a relationship with Selena Gomez that grew as the days went by. Nicholas had watched this relationship blossom and along with feeling neglected and in the shadow of his twin brother, he felt it was time for him to start his own relationship. That is when he made Katrina Slowmez, a cardboard cutout of his famous brothers girlfriend. Nicholas proclaimed to his family and dolls that Katrina was pregnant and that they were expecting their first cardboard box, who was tentatively named “FedEx”.
A self-proclaimed fan of Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber, going by the name of @MumTard, who also claims to have a son named “Kevin” who is a fan of Nicholas as well, brought all of what is known today to light. To this day, this is as much as the world currently knows about Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber. It has helped to create as much controversy as it has brought information to light. It is also speculated that Nicholas may have been contacted by several groups in an effort to further his career. However, the Bieber family has denied all of these claims and to this day say nothing of Nicholas’s previous contributions or even his existence, citing “It is not a topic of discussion.” Will the world one day finally witness the genius of Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber or will he be a forgetten story in the Bieber history, only time will tell.