Show Re-cap For Monday 11/12/2012

Mom, Dad… One day I’m going to grow up and become the Tsar of Candyland!

It’s Monday and the only thing that could be worse would be if your wiener was so chapped, it just kept flaking and peeling until you were left with a nub. You on your ass game? Keeping that shit smooth and buttery? No? Ellis is. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog is looking mello today, like a smooth criminal. His beauty secret? He’s tired and didn’t use any product in his hair. It’s finally starting to sink in, Rawdog is going to have to suck on a dead horse’s dick – and it’s starting to trouble him. Especially when he thinks about his parents seeing pictures of him suck on said dead horse’s dick, and how he’s going to have to explain that to his parents. How will this happen? Because he’s friends with his parents on Facebook. What’s more? They hate Ellis, allegedly. He’s asked them at times to not listen to the show, but sometimes they still do. One way that was discussed to get them to butt out of his work life a little… take pictures of himself fucking his mom’s underwear and send her the pictures. Tully was name dropping some big guns, speaking of him walking / talking with Cameron Crowe, only to end up walking into a room only to see some other famous person and Elton John playing The Bitch Is Back. Ellis went to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, said they sucked and Axl Rose sucked, but has stage presence, and I don’t think any of us listeners were surprised by that news.

One of the bigger differences between men and women?

Here we go, Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up, but wait! There may still be hope for the two forlorn, star crossed, lovers. Prepubescent teens and grown ups everywhere are devastated, but hopeful. Elmo of Sesame Street fame, actually the man (Kevin Clash) that does Elmo’s voice, is denying that he molested a 16 year-old boy. Instead, he waited until the boy was 18, and then fucked him senseless. Something again about Lindsay Lohan and a Barbara Walters interview. I don’t know, I’m still puking / making jokes about Elmo molesting children. Matthew McConaughey has looks like he has AIDs, it’s for a role in some new movie he’s doing – I think it’s called Elmo Strikes Again. The Mowgli’s (of Death! Death! Die! fame) will be on Leno sometime in the upcoming days, so shout out to those happy indie pop-rock artists of the future.

If robots want to become women, this is how it can be done.

CIA Director David Petraeus resigned amid an extra-marital affair and people are full on circle jerking about his judgement and decision making. But what women and their decision making, am I right? HA-HA! There was some kind of big brawl in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup race over the weekend. Some feller crashed into another good’ole boy, who later crashed into that first daggum sunnuva-gun too, then there was some bull malarkey in the gal-durned pits, dude ran to a NASCAR trailer and by golly if other dude didn’t trot on over to fight that dude, but then all these other dudes from dem der pits startied fighting other pit dudes, and then everyone high fived, drank beers, hit women, and shit ike-at. YEEHAW, YOU SONS A BITCHES!!! Do you know the secret to a longer, healthier, and happier life? No, it’s not NASCAR, it’s sex bots! Except the big problem with that is, they don’t actually exist yet so until I get to fuck a sex bot, I’m calling bullshit. However, I will fully back a US Rapebot for freedom and democracy across the globe, and until every man, woman, and child has been raped by a robot until they are free – I will not rest. Bad news on the home front today, your mom got stuck in a tree. But it’s okay now, the noose was cut and she is now out of the tree and tied to a bumper. OH!

VH1 Behind The Music: Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber

Preface: This was supposed to be published last Friday. It would have been funnier because the joke would have been more clear in everyone’s memory.  However, as you can see, it was not published Friday – so just try to remember…

Born just 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds after his famous older twin brother, Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber’s life was tough from the very beginning. His beady-eyed Canadian mother Patricia Lynn “Fucktard” Mallette, was just 18 years old when she became pregnant with the Devil and his twin. The family soon realized just how “special” Nicholas was soon after delivery, he looked as if he had fallen from Heaven because his face was so fucked up. While doctors feverishly tried to mash his pliable forehead back into shape, they had forgotten about his eyes, and therein lies his signature look. A look that has only recently come to light and has also come to define him. Not much is known about Nicholas partly due to the families secrecy and the poor recording of medical records by the Canadians due to their beady eyes and lack of lighting in their tunnels. Other than a couple of alleged sightings, the Bieber family has kept this secret well hidden.

As Justin gained recognition and popularity with his first full-length studio album “My World 2.0”, Nicholas, who had always tried to emulate his twin brother, had planned his own studio album called “Uhhnnngg Cream Corn 18.11.042” which was really just his family’s attempt to please Nicholas and his fits of rage, but was never really intended to be recorded or released. During one of these fake recording sessions, tragedy struck as Nicholas started biting everyone in the home studio that was setup for Justin and Usher to record and make out in. By this time, Nicholas was already a “family secret” and was never in the spotlight much less revealed to the public. Fans were shocked to even learn of his existence. None the less, Nicholas had actually managed to mash buttons until several songs were recorded and uploaded to YouPorn by accident. The songs, “Cream-Cream-Cream In My Corn” and “The Fart Dance” were used in conjunction with a 34 minute cumshot compilation featuring an unknown penis ejaculating into a bowl full of corn and a series of shots of anuses farting with cum squirting out. Not long after breaking into the mainstream world, Justin would start forming a relationship with Selena Gomez that grew as the days went by. Nicholas had watched this relationship blossom and along with feeling neglected and in the shadow of his twin brother, he felt it was time for him to start his own relationship. That is when he made Katrina Slowmez, a cardboard cutout of his famous brothers girlfriend. Nicholas proclaimed to his family and dolls that Katrina was pregnant and that they were expecting their first cardboard box, who was tentatively named “FedEx”.

A self-proclaimed fan of Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber, going by the name of @MumTard, who also claims to have a son named “Kevin” who is a fan of Nicholas as well, brought all of what is known today to light. To this day, this is as much as the world currently knows about Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber. It has helped to create as much controversy as it has brought information to light. It is also speculated that Nicholas may have been contacted by several groups in an effort to further his career. However, the Bieber family has denied all of these claims and to this day say nothing of Nicholas’s previous contributions or even his existence, citing “It is not a topic of discussion.” Will the world one day finally witness the genius of Nicholas “Cream Corn” Bieber or will he be a forgetten story in the Bieber history, only time will tell.